It's notta major secret amongst those who know me that on my day job during my lunch-hour, as well as during those moments of sheer boredom that commonly take place while I wait for this-or-that vendor, supervisor, etc., to show up, that I do go online while at work. For the fussbudgets out there, don't worry, it's not on the company computer, it's on my very own portable laptop. Regardless of how you view my occassional lack of work ethics while on the clock, that's not what this piece is going to be about. Actually, I shoudn't even be writing this right now, since I will be getting off-duty in the next 15 minutes, but that's why autopost comes in handy.
It's gonna be tricky writing about it too because I definitely dont want to draw extra attention to that one particular angle of my internet existence; but, for some unexplicable reason, it simply feels right for me to talk about it right now. And, as eternally grateful as I will always be now and forever to the faithful readers of my blog, I personally don't think anyone is gonna make a big to do about what I am about to say. It will surprise even me if I am mistaken about any of this.
It's finally happened, the first time it has ever happened up until this day. I have received an invitation to attend a certain event, but, not as HivSpice. I know I know, I shouldnt have typed that because now there may be a possible furor of "Omg!! His real identity is out there, who is he, who is HE???" Oh please, just calm down, the events of your daily lives are much more meaningful than who I really am in real life. And, as I have mentioned more than once previously, when y'all do finally see what I really look like, you're not gonna think twice after the first intitial view, seriously. In fact, I can practically bet each and everyone of you out there that your main reaction will be "That's who HivSpice is? He's just an ordinary-looking guy, nothing to write home to Mother about" and you will be 100% correct in your surmising of that fact. But, this too is not why I am writing this piece this very moment. Here's why I'm writing...
It abhors me that after the last several months of being myself as a real person and baring my heart-n-soul via the written word; and, being as consistently honest and open with practically each and every single individual that I have come into contact with here on the internet, that there are still a few remaining folks who consciously refuse to validate me as a 100% real human being. It just blows my fucken mind. I just dont know how else to describe it.
Do you know what I did after I clicked on that invitation to check it out? I sat here at my beloved laptop and cried, I cried for about a good 15 minutes, I shit you not. My thoughts turned to Jack once again and I said to him in my mind "Honey, can you believe that after all these years, some of them still don't get it?" We all know how priceless validation is to me but this goes way beyond that. When I created the name HivSpice I intended it to be synonymous with the word "unselfish." It's the truth - not once, has any random act of kindness and compassion, or any "good deed" I have accomplished via this name been done out of selfishness. Not once. I'm not perfect, nor a saint, but damn, I've poured my heart-n-soul, the real essence of who I really am in my heart as a breathing, living, walking human being into this name and receiving that invitation was truly the equivalent of someone physically spitting in my face. For me it wasn't like any petty chickenshit, it was monumental.
Those of you who are my friends and really know me, already know that this kinda thing doesnt make me quiver and dry-up, it just increases many-fold my desire to continue forging onward - and I will. Oh and I know that I cant expect everyone to like and/or accept HivSpice, I realized and accepted that many, many years ago but I guess in my mind I thought to myself that maybe things would change in the last 15 years or so. In some ways they have and in some ways they havent but you know me, that's certainly no excuse to just give up. And I'm not going to.
There are two very important things that mean a lot to me, both in real life and on the internet. First, that I make a positive difference in the lives of others. Second, that I know who my real friends are and that they are all that really matters. Beyond these two things, as I've told myself, and as others have told me too, so what? Worrying about anyone or anything beyond these 2 things is what can be called petty chickenshit. I'm gonna continue to leave everything just the way it is, cause I think that's what is best for me and for others.
For the last 3 or 4 months I've been tossing around ideas and basically brainstorming on a piece that I have aptly pre-titled "The Ultimate Challenge." I dont know how or when I will write this piece but allow me to share with you what it's intention will be - to for once and for all put all this pseudo-negative bullshit that others have attached to my Spice name to rest for good, by challenging every naysayer and hater out there who has ever snickered and/or indirectly challenged me. I've wrestled with it for an extremely long time and it needs to be written, it really does. It's funny how there actually are some very sick, twisted minds on the internet who take great personal pleasure at taking jabs or throwing rocks at others; but, what those very same people fail to realize is that attached to every single name you see on your computer screen is a real-life human being. I assure you, the person behind my name isn't any less human than you are. Think about it. Thank you for reading.
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