This piece regards something I've never written about before, let alone talked about to anyone in the 11 years since it happened. Just when I think I've bared my soul unequivocally in this blog, I simply turn the corner and usually find yet another ghost of the past staring me directly in the face. Only this time there is no ghost, nothing that has happened to influence me writing this this afternoon, only the past, the somewhat lingering past. Lingering because in the last few days I've thought off-n-on to myself "Should I or shouldnt I?" Naturally when that happens to me, the justice-seeker side of my personality eventually kicks into gear and tells me "C'mon, you need to do this." For the few times that my subconscious voice has failed to prevail, the words of reassurance my friend Ramone's Mom once said to me do indeed prevail, "Do not hesitate. Every time you've done so and then jumped right in, taking that chance has given birth to some of your best writing." I definitely do not expect to win any accolades or literary laurels from writing this one piece because it's definitely gonna be an exercise in personal soul-cleansing more than anything else.
The reason I didnt give this piece a more specific, descriptive title it is because I simply couldnt decide on what would be the most appropriate title for it, especially in correlation to the piece itself. My original title choices were "A Witness To Murder," "Murder of the Most Nontraditional Kind," and "Murder Untraditional" to name a few. Some of you are probaly thinking this very moment "Oh my gawd, what kinda shit did he get himself into this time??" None, none whatsoever for not only was I not directly connected to or an accomplice in the possible act itself (I say possible because I'm not 100% certain it actually happened) but in all honesty I do not know or have any factual proof whatsoever of what did or did not transpire after I left the scene of the incident.
In mid-January, 2000, a coupla friends whom I had met online in the previous year and myself decided to get together and meet in person for the first time ever. Due to my crazy work schedule at the time, as well as theirs, we couldnt decide when or where to meet so they suggested that we meet at one of the bars in downtown Boston. Hey, no big deal there, alotta folks go to the bars for a drink and to chat, though in most cases we all know what else they go there for too. In fact, I had such reservations of meeting that way in the first place and as the evening played out, I realized rather quickly once again that when my instincts tell me "No, no, no Spice!!" I really do need to listen to them and take their warnings totally to heart. Besides, I'm the type of person who'd rather meet someone for the first time over something like a cup of coffee or tea, or perhaps for a lite luncheon, or maybe on a sunny day in the park, that kinda thing. They decided they wanted to meet at the bar called "The RamRod" and over the phone I said "Yeah, sure, no problem" but inside I was totally cringing and thinking to myself "Oh great, Meat Market City, couldnt they have chosen a place less sleazier such as Club Cafe or some place like that??" That right there shoulda tipped me off that something later on in the evening just would not be quite right in Denmark.
We all got together around 9:30 p.m. or so that evening and the two men I met appeared to be very nice genuine people whom I found it very easy to sit down and have a conversation with. Plus, with the fact that we all were Hiv'ers, well, that made it feel even more comfortable and at-ease to speak with them. By the way, these two men were a very nice couple who appeared to be quite happy together. Appeared being the key word. The 3 of us probaly woulda hadda an hour long chat and then parted company for the evening, but there were several friends they saw that night at the Ramrod which they apparently hadnt seen in awhile, so it was quite an evening of socializing thats for sure. I didnt notice it until the 11 p.m. hour approached but one of the two men had a major MAJOR drinking issue - anything alcohol-based he saw, he drank. Of course, there was something else he couldnt keep his hands off of either - yep, you guessed it, they may have been a couple but they also liked to do very naughty things with other people, if you catch my drift.
In fact, halfway through the evening they even invited me to go home with them for "some fun" but I politely declined and said I was seeing someone. Although that was a downright lie at the time, as expected I heard the usual line, a line that if I coulda collected a quarter every time someone has said it to me in the last 20+ years, I wouldnt be currently struggling to survive in Boston, I'd own half the damn town(!) "Oh we get it, you're one of those "Good Girl" types!" followed by the usual salacious cackle that has always accompanied that particular phrase. Of course I just laughed back, smiled and naturally mumbled under my breath "You gotta problem with people like Annette and Sandra, motherfucker?" Seriously though, if people, whether they are couples, singles, etc., etc. wanna do something like that, hey, more power to them, but this is one Spice who isnt gonna add to anyone's variety of life in that manner. I'm a one man-man Babies, as a matter of fact, I'm proud to be considered a "Good Girl" type, it aint nothing to be ashamed of. Back to that evening.....
Around 11:35 p.m. or so, about 10 minutes before we left the Ramrod, one half of the couple was hitting up this very good-looking young man at the other side of the pool tables, you know, telling him how hot he was (which indeed he was, whew!) and invited him to join him and his lover over at their place! I thought to myself "Oh damn, I definitely do not like where this is going." So the two came over to the other side of the pool tables where I was sitting at the bar with his lover and they all huddled together to discuss their "plans." Naturally, I just smiled and played coy, something that has saved the sanity of many of us blondes in all kinds of situations I might add. Then we all decided to leave the bar. And yes, I did play dumb about us all walking back to their place because I knew what those two were up to and was totally kewl with the fact that I would be disappearing before the evening became "too intimate", as they say.
When we arrived back at their place, naturally they invited me to join them for a nightcap. My natural instinct that night was to say "G'night" to them at the front stoop of their apartment building but there was something about the entire situation that just did not sit well with me. The young man they brought home with them was totally drunk off his ass, so I dont know what it was but something inside me told me to just stick around for a little bit. I'm glad that at that juncture of the evening I most certainly did listen to my instincts after all.
After the drinks were served (I think they all had something with Vodka in it, whereas I just hadda Pepsi. Yeah I know, normally I wouldnt drink that crap unless someone paid me to do so, but when you're a guest in someone's home, it's always best to be proper-n-polite) the 3 of them all sat down on the couch and started to get, how shall we say, "playful" with each other. It was at that point that I said to myself "Okay Spice, time to blow this popsicle stand and get back to Dodge." So I commented that it was getting really late and I probaly should head for home and just as I was getting my coat on, something like a giant hammer figuratively hit me in the back of the head, and I said to my 2 hosts "He does know about you guys, right? You've told him about being poz, right? and they both said to me, practically in unison, "You need to leave" to which I said "Oh no, no, no, not so fast." Instantly I barged past both of them, and I went up to that young man and I looked him right in his overly-intoxicated face and said "Look, I know we dont know each other and that you're majorly plastered, but you need to listen to me. I do not think you should be doing what you're thinking about doing with these two guys. Please, dont, just come with me and we'll talk about it" but the young man would not listen to me. He, as drunk as a skunk as he was, knew exactly what I was trying to say but rather than acknowledge it, he laughed in my face and said "Fuck you, it's none of your goddamn business what I do, you dont even know me!! You're just jealous that they're gonna have me and not you!" I told him point blank "No, no that's not it at all, that's not what this is all about, you need to listen to me, you dont know a thing about them, you need to trust me on this, please." But, he would not listen.
One half of the couple grabbed me by the arm and told me "You need to get the fuck outta here right now" but I shook myself away from his firm grip and told him to get his his hands off me, that I was leaving AND that they should NOT go through with what they were thinking of doing, that it was wrong. He told me to mind my own business and to leave, and as I was walking out the door he said to me "Besides, no one told us when they infected us, so what does it matter anyways?" and I turned around and told him "You two have no right to endanger another person's life, no right at all" to which he told me to "Go fuck yourself!" and slammed the door behind me. So, I left but the horrible feeling that I had in the pit of my stomach and the thoughts that raced through my mind all the way home on the T that night kept gnawing at me and saying "You shoulda done more, you shoulda done more." I kept thinking of what may very well have happened to that young man after I left. Not just unprotected sex with strangers, but unprotected sex complete with a first-class Hiv+ transmission on top of it. I was so shook up that night, I just could not get what happened offa my mind. I kept thinking to myself "Damn, I was his age when I found out and I wouldnt want anyone to go through what I went through." After the drinks were served and prior to the heated exchanges, I did find out some things about him, though I for the life of me did not even catch his first name - he was 24 and a grad student over at Harvard University, though he didnt say which school he was a member of, Medical, Law, etc., etc.
The first thought that came to my mind when I opened the door to my own apartment was "Murder, those dirty rotten sonnsabitches, just committed murder!! If they did indeed have sex with him, they willingly and knowingly infected another human being without any remorse or regret whatsoever!!" To say I was beside myself that night woulda been the understatement of the new milennium. All kinds of thoughts continued to race through my head, to the point where I was nervously shaking, it was justa terrible state to be in. Even back then I knew how precious life is and I didnt care if it was any of my business or not, when it comes to protecting another human life, it's everybody's business.
The next morning I got on the phone with the GLBT crisis hotline over at the Fenway Community Center in downtown and I told them everything, without naming names of course, because as much as those 2 nasty dingleberries did not deserve any fairness towards what they did I was honest and told the 2 counselors I spoke with that I did not have actual proof that they did indeed infected the young man, only that they had serious intentions of having unprotected sex with him and that they themselves were indeed Hiv+. Even as honest as I was with the 2 counselors all they told me was that because I did not have any actual proof that the 2 men did indeed have unprotected sex with the young man, without disclosing their Hiv+ status, there was notta damn thing I could do about it. They both told me that it was commendable that I tried to warn the young man in question, but aside from that, the situation was totally outta my hands. Maybe back in 2000 it was but even now, I still feel that such actions could definitely be classified as some degree of attempted murder.
I was a witness, a bystander, to what I felt was and still is an act of criminal nature but according to those I sought help from, I was totally defenseless to do a damn thing about it. After all these years, I still cant help but wonder whatever happened to that young ma. I just pray that his young life, even as drunken and irresponsible as he was being that night, was not halted in any manner, that he was fortunate enough, by some strange twist of fate, to not be infected with Hiv. I'll never know, but I sure as hell can hope that somehow, someway, he woke up one day and got help for his apparent drinking problem before it was too late, and went on to finish his education and lead a very successful, happy life. But what still drives me to think about him is if he did indeed become infected, it could have been prevented by him merely changing his own behavior - that, or listening to someone who did sincerely try to save him, not tell him how to live his life. I suppose that's exactly how I came across to him that night too, and I wouldnt blame him for feeling or reacting the way he did; but, what I was telling him was for his own good, I certainly had no ulterior motive, that's for sure.
Those monsters, those monsters who didnt give a damn about infecting him - oh my fucken gawd, what if he wasnt the first, nor the last? Did those two continue to go to the Ramrod after that one January night and repeat their actions over and over again? How many more people did they infect? I definitely do not agree with the bullshit argument the one half of the couple used on me "Well, nobody told us when they infected us, so if people dont know better, it's their own damn fault!" Like fuck it is. Yes, every one of us on this planet does need to be totally responsible for our own decisions and actions - but to actively and consciously infect another person? I'm sorry, but THAT is committing murder, there are no two ways about that. I dont care if a person has a fancy law degree from Harvard or Yale, or is a Law-n-Order afficiando - when you consciously choose to go out and carelessly infect other people, you bet your sweet ass you're a murderer. Every Hiv+ person on this planet needs to hear the following loud-n-clear from this fellow Hiv+ person - just because you got infected by someone who did not disclose their Hiv+ status to you, that does NOT give you the divine right to commit the same exact crime towards other people. For those of you who did become infected via those circumstances, why on earth would you ever ever wanna force someone else to go through what you went through? What in the hell could you possibly gain or prove by doing that to someone else? It's wrong. It's inexcusable. It's unacceptable behavior. Most of all, it is without a shadow of a doubt, murder, pure and simple.
Let's call a spade a spade here, okay? After reading this blog entry, some of you out there are gonna commend me for doing what I could do to save another human life, to prevent one more person on this planet from becoming Hiv+, whereas some of you are gonna think it was none of my business to tell others how to live their lives. Whatever your opinion is, hey, that's fine by me, all I can do is share what I have to say and let the chips fall where they may. But I do want to make something extemely clear here. God forbid there ever is another situation like this that I am exposed to, next time I'm dont think I'm gonna be so nice and play it all by the book.
This is a very special warning to all my fellow Hiv'ers out there, not just in this country but everywhere else on this planet as well. If I ever come across another Hiv+ individual(s) who is going to carelessly and/or intentionally infect another human being with this disease, I just wanted to let you know that I will do everything in both my intellectual and physical power to stop you. Whether it takes verbally confronting you and/or physically apprehending you in public or private, you are gonna stop what you're doing because if need be, I will personally haul your ass down to the local police station and turn you into the proper authorities. I'm not kidding. Forget civilities, forget human dignity, if you're gonna endanger another human being, you're simply not gonna get away with it. I may not be God, but if any of you out there think you have the right to play God by infecting others, then I have just as much right to play God too, and if necessary, I will literally stomp the living crap outta you. I pray I will never be put in that position but if so, then so be it, because there is not one single thing in this world to be gained from one more person on this planet becoming Hiv+, not one single fucken thing. If you're not going to adhere to logical reasoning, then brute force it shall be. Keep in mind though, that I too am an Hiv'er and if by physical confrontation I accidentally infect you with my strain of the virus, oh well, I guess you shoulda thought about that first, huh?
This piece was extremely lengthy but I had a lot, a whole helluva lot, to say. Granted, I feel better having written about this secret that I've kept hidden from the light of day for so long but all of you out there should know me well enough by now to know that I'm not into keeping things swept under the rug. I firmly believe that the truth always, always eventually surfaces. I truly dont know how people are gonna view me after reading this piece but I'm not gonna worry too much about that because this is one of those issues that I refuse to budge on - purposely harming, or putting in danger's way, another human being's life is wrong, regardless of the circumstances. It is wrong. It needs to be stopped, as much as any of us can stop it. I cant police the entire world by myself but when any of us sees one of our fellow human beings about to go down the wrong path, I'd like to suggest that we need to warn them, even if they dont wanna listen, even if they end up despising us for what we have to say; we must, in good conscience, at least warn them. You know how I'm always saying that part of the reason we're here on this earth is to help others along the way? Well, please reread all of the above if you need to because I rest my case on this one. Thank you for reading.
Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo
