ADAP: A Battle For Life - Friday, Jaunary 28, 2011

How utterly ironic that I am writing sucha piece as this one, especially since I came home sick from work earlier this afternoon after another one of those lovely ER visits which I abhor so very greatly; but, I've been wanting to write this piece since yesterday. Last night while at work, as well as when I came home from work, I was simply more overtired than usual and I just did not feel right, which in turn shoulda tipped me off about what I'd be experiencing today. Oh well, like with everything else in life you gotta roll with the punches and tis far better to get plenty of rest mixed with intervals of healthy mind activity versus laying around and feeling frustrated about things which we have no control over, things such as the common flu. By the same token, there are also times when we need to take such frustration and fight like a major bat outta hell. This is one of those times.

Starting tomorrow morning and straight thru till late Sunday afternoon/early evening, an Emergency ADAP (AIDS Drug Assistance Program) Conference will be taking place down in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. For those of you who are unaware of what it's all about, here's the skinny in a nutshell - there are THOUSANDS of people all across the United States who cannot afford, nor have the means to afford, their badly needed AIDS medications and are currently on waiting lists to receive medications that are crucial to their very existence. The clock is ticking. Their time is running out. This conference will be addressing, as well as pushing for, the actions needed to prevent such lunacy from going any further than it already has. Hiv'ers and those suffering from AIDS need their medications in order to combat and prevent future illnesses and/or infections from taking place; we need our medications if we want to be able to function as normally as is possible considering the various medical circumstances of this disease; and, quite naturally, we need our medications if we wanna survive. When the individual states of this nation do not do enough to assist in providing people with their badly-needed medications they more or less are signing people's death warrants and this is not only an inexcusable crime against humanity, it is both committing and condoning outright murder and it needs to be stopped ASAP before THOUSANDS of peoples lives are put at even further stake than they already are.

I commend all the Hiv & AIDS activists, those who are infected with the Hiv virus and who have AIDS, their friends, family, supporters, and everyone who is able to make it to that meeting in order to do what they can to help save the lives of countless others. I hope-n-pray that this meeting is quite productive and that there are positive results at the end of it when all is said-n-done. Dealing and/or combatting any kind of illness and/or disease without the proper tools, more specifically the right medications, is like playing Russian Roulette with one's life. Of course, that's if one has a choice - the THOUSANDS of people who are on those ADAP waiting lists for their medications do not, in most cases, have a choice and any state government which chooses to stand by and not do anything to help these people in sucha horrible plight is comparable to standing by and watching someone else drown right in front of your open eyes without doing one goddamn thing to help save them. Scenarioes such as this truly do demonstrate the dividing lines between what is human and what is not. This is one of those times in life where making a difference for the safety & welfare of others is not just essential, it goes way beyond extremely crucial. There is no negotiating on the value of even one single human life, let alone THOUSANDS.

So in the meantime while the many fine men and women who are attending the Emergency ADAP Conference in Florida this weekend are fighting with all their might to help save the lives of THOUSANDS of others, I suggest that those of us who are not able to attend keep all of them in our utmost thoughts and prayers for what I personally hope will be a very successful and victorius win in yet another key battle on the AIDS warfront. Thank you for reading.

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Some Kind of Spectacular - Monday, January 24, 2011

Ever since this past spring, 2010, thanks to many of my friends on Facebook, I have been exposed to some of the most famous, prolific and internationally well-known as well as rare art images known to mankind via many of the art albums that several people I know have both passionately and painstakingly put together and shared with countless others. I've always been appreciative of fine art but without shame or embarassment I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the most educated person on the planet when it comes to such things! That is not to say that I am a complete and utter moron when it comes to this subject but if you asked me "What's the difference between a Renoir and a Monet?" I would probaly nonchalantly respond "Good question, Sparky, why dont you tell me?" However, as much as I do love the various art forms out there, none taps directly into my inner soul more than the artwork and/or illustrations of one of my life's greatest passions - my beloved ships, most notably, the numerous famous ocean liners of the world, particularly the classic liners from the early 1900's onward. Hell, those ships were floating artistic masterpieces themselves, minus the exquisite paintings, sculptures and bas-reliefs that were central themes to the majority of their vast interiors.

So, with a grain of salt - sea-salt, naturally! - I've reviewed and flipped through every single art album that has come my way in the open newsfeed of my Facebook homepage the past several months, every single time hoping and praying, as well as muttering to myself "Oh gawd, please, PLEASE, a ship please! Just one single ship! Even a friggin sailboat or cargo freighter would be enough to titilate my senses at the moment!" But alas, very rarely, if at all, did such images steam into my view. Albeit, one or two friends did do their best to include them whenever they possibly could, which to this day I thank them greatly for, but like a French legionaire searching for drops of water in the Saharan desert in a Laurel & Hardy feature, it simply was never enough. 

That was, until I began talking to someone who is now a very dear friend and close confidante, Mr. Adam Scott Crispo, proprietor of A Fine Madness Collectibles. This past December, 2010, prior to the Christmas holidays, Mr. Crispo created the most wonderful and impressive art album of martime illustrations, which includes some of the most prolific advertisements & illustrations of some of the world's most famous liners ever created within it, and aptly titled it "For Spice: Ships That Do Not Merely Pass In The Night." Let me tell you, whenever I view this album, which is quite often by the way, I not only fall in love with my most beloved ships that are closest to my heart-n-soul all over again - yes, every single time I view it - but I also fall in love with the passion, the thoughtfulness and the keen eye to detail which Mr. Crispo put into choosing every single image in that album. If there are any of you out there who are even mild ocean liner afficiandoes, or the more contemporary politically correct term of "ship buffs," I strongly advise all of you to go to Mr. Crispo's Facebook page and check out this extraordinary album. If you love ships even one quarter as much as I do, I guarantee you that you will fall in love with this album as quickly and as deeply as I have. Even within the past several days, Mr. Crispo has added even more photos to this album, each one a more unexpected surprise than the previous, and it just amazes me the way he zooms in on the most appealing images from each era of the great greyhounds of the seas, from pre-1900's right through to the 1960's.

Better yet, all of the images in the album "For Spice: Ships That Do Not Merely Pass In The Night" are at the time of this writing currently available for purchase. Mr. Crispo himself is a very successful business entrepreneur in his own right and certainly doesnt needa sales pitch from me, but it gives me great honor to give worthy mention to the many unique and fantastic wares of his shoppe. Lord knows if I could afford it myself this very moment, I would purchase every single image in this album for there isnt one sampling of it that doesnt literally sing love songs to the heart of any true ship-lover out there, especially myself. Though I thoroughly enjoy every bit of this album, yes, I do have my favorites.

It's not just the list of liners that are covered in the album that are beyond magnificent for the sheer glory and splendor they evoke in the hearts and minds of many a ship buff, liners such as le NORMANDIE, ILE-DE-FRANCE, the REX and her equally gorgeous sistership CONTE DI SAVOIA, Cunard's famous twins CARMANIA and CARONIA, QUEEN MARY, ANDREA DORIA, the American sisters CONSTITUTION and INDEPENDENCE, and the list goes on and on(!) but it's the representations, the colors, the textures, the views that made each and every one of these liners common household names that literally exasperates the most discerning of ocean liner afficiandoes! I must admit, I have more than a few favorites which are included in this album but it would literally take writing an individual book about each liner to merely get across to all my readers what I adore about each and every one of them. Since that is not possible via one blog entry, allow me to elaborate on at least a few.

My first favorite, is not the illustrations of my beloved NORMANDIE and QUEEN MARY as would naturally be expected of me by my fellow ship buffs, but rather the illustration of the Clyde-Mallory Line, at one time one of the most affluent smaller American steamship lines ever. The ship depicted in this particular piece is none other than the IROQUOIS class of liner, with the specific liner represented being the actual IROQUOIS herself or her equally popular sistership SHAWNEE. Both were very popular smaller liners (those under 500 feet long) on the American and Canadian coastal waterway systems. The IROQUOIS has earned a permanent place in both U.S. History as well as World War II history for in reference to the latter, in those early, bleak, dark days of September, 1939 as the entire world was entering into the Greatest War of All Times, this smaller coastal liner was requisitioned by President Franklin Delano Roosevelt himself (one of my personal heroes dontcha know) to rescue stranded Americans who were stuck in Europe during the opening days of what would eventually turn out to be World War II. Not only did the IROQUOIS make the trip there-n-back safely, and in one piece, but the tales of famous passengers on board her for that most hurried of all Transatlantic crossings, such as cosmetics queen Helena Rubenstein are well-renowned in shipboard histories the world over. FDR even had 2 American destroyers escort the small ship into the safe waters of New York Harbor once she entered the American coastal waters zone pre-established by International Maritime Law. It was quite a feat for sucha smaller-than-average ocean liner but she made it and the success of her mission was a great boost to American morale during those early days of the war.

My 2nd favorite is of none other than one of my most favorite ships of all time, the Canadian Pacific liner and flagship, EMPRESS of BRITAIN of 1931. She was the largest Canadian ocean liner ever designed and built in the history of that nation and was an extremely beautiful liner with the most widest, yet prolific funnels ever designed for a ship, perhaps even greater than the extremely single exta-broad funnel installed on the Cunard liner CARONIA of 1949. The EMPRESS of BRITAIN was larger, heavier and faster than most battleships of her era and was so streamlined that her beauty and grace has never been duplicated since then for one very simple reason - it simply cannot be. The sharpness of her bow, the smooth curves of her yachtlike stern - never, never before or since has such an example of maritime artistry ever existed. Her interiors were the most ornate and immaculate of any liner on the Canadian route and like many of her generation, she too was a victim of Hitler's Third Reich. All that power, all that strength, all that beauty laid-waste by the contemptous wheels of an evil world-wide war machine. So very sad. As with many of the liners I have fallen in love with over the years, I will always keep her memory close to my heart.

In fact, on a personal note, I dont have any tattoos at all but I've always said that someday should I decide to get some, there are two ocean liners that I plan to have on my person - one will be of my most favorite Cunarder, the AQUITANIA (1914-1951) and the other will be of my beloved EMPRESS of BRITAIN (1931-1942). I believe that all ocean liners of the past and present should continue to be immortalized in one or more ways so that future generations will know of them, know of their stories, know of their lives but out of all of them, these two are the ones I choose to hold forever close to me. The pride of Canadian Pacific Line's pre-war fleet will always always be precious to me.

My 3rd favorite is the artistic postcard of the Cunard twins CARMANIA and CARONIA(1905), two of the most popular Cunarders in the pre-World-War-I years. Though both were some of the most notable and fastest liners of their generation, the CARMAINA earned her rightful place in World War I history from her famous duel at sea that took place between her and the Hamburg South-America liner CAP TRAFALGAR. The latter was trying to avoid getting captured by the British Navy so she literally disguised herself to look like the CARMANIA; BUT, unbeknownst to the Germans, the British had the same exact idea with the CARMANIA!! In other words, here were 2 famous ocean liners, disguised exactly like each other, battling each other for their very lives with the guns mounted on both their bow and stern sections. In the end, it was the CARMANIA who won the battle and she went down in maritime history as "one of the toughest liners to ever sail the Seven Seas." Yes, she truly was representative of her generation at a time when the great ocean liners were more than just a mode of transportation but were also symbols of national pride. Incidentally, the latter accolade would be echoed years later on the eve of World War II in September, 1939, right before France fell to Germany when the managing directors of the Compagnie Generale Transatlantique stated during a secret meeting pertaining on what the line should do with the NORMANDIE, keep her in France or send her to the safety of American waters, "...but the NORMANDIE IS France!!"

Whew, like I said in a previous blog entry or two, you get me going on my ships and watch out! All my ship books are stuck in storage somewhere in the Midwest but because I dont have the space here in Boston to have them with me at this current time, whenever I get lonesome for them, all I have to do is look at the album created by Adam Scott Crispo and their histories, their memories, their very spirits come back to severely haunt me and in every instance, a much-appreciated and most enjoyable haunting. This album, "For Spice: Ships That Do Not Merely Cross In The Night" has captured my heart unlike any other. Everyone else can enjoy their unique paintings, their modernist sculptures and their minimalist wall-reliefs but me? Give me my North Atlantic Greyhounds and that truly is all I need to keep myself happy and totally sated. You wanna see what real artwork is? Look at all those massive castles of floating steel with brightly colored interiors going at about 35 m.p.h, across the sea, slicing through 15 to 25 foot waves like a warm knife through butter - now THAT is poetry in motion, as well as grace and beauty in the world of artistic expressions.

This is not gonna be the last time I write about my ocean liners in this blog. In the future, I have 3 ship-themed ocean liner entries I will be writing about - why I love ships; the REAL truths regarding the sinking of my beloved TITANIC; and, a special dedication to the Cunarder AQUITANIA in commemoration of her maiden voyage in May of 1914. As for Mr. Crispo, like an eager student, I look forward to any future additions he may add to the album "For Spice: Ships That Do Not Merely Pass In The Night" but even if he were to stop one day and say "This is complete" or "Enough now" I still will always treasure and keep close to my heart the images he gathered for an album I will never ever forget. I not only thank him for his artistic creativety and choices in producing the album, but I thank him even more for his warm friendship and for tapping into my soul in a way that no one has done in a very, very long time. Whether you truly appreciate the world of the great ocean liners as much as I do, or if you simply like to leaf through images of them, I encourage everyone out there to patronize Adam Scott Crispo's special ocean liner album, as well as explore what other fine curiosities he has in his shoppe. Both he and his exquisite tastes in collectibles are beyond extraordinary. Thank you again Adam, from the bottom of my heart and a special thank to all of you for reading.

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Selfishness and Status Disclosure: From An Hiv+ Standpoint - Saturday, January 22, 2011

About a week ago the concept of selfishness in a certain context was brought to my attention and since I've taken some time to sit back and really think about it this weekend, I feel I'm ready to write about it. Dont get me wrong, the specific statement that compelled me to write about it this evening did not anger me per se but it did make an impact on me. The gest of what was stated/implied is this - anyone who is Hiv+ and is not 100% totaly open about it with the entire known universe is selfish, for whatever underlying reason(s), such individuals are 100% totally and undeniably selfish. What I actually wanted to say to the person who made this statement in reference to all Hiv'ers who are somewhat closted about their status, myself included, was this - "Who the fuck died and made you the god of Hiv/AIDS etiquette, Sparky???" But, since everyone is entitled to their own opinion, even when it is based on irrational, biased reasoning, I thought it best to simply bite my tongue. Well, my tongue has been hurting alot this past week, to the point where it's actually throbbing, so I must formally register my disdain with that statement, and the assumptions that accompany it, here-n-now.

But before I jump in, I wanna make something very clear to all my fellow Hiv'ers out there, but especially you newly diagnosed Hiv'ers. Please remember this above many of the things you have heard about being Hiv+ thus far - what works for one Hiv'er does not necessarily mean it will work or be appropriate for another Hiv'er. Whenever you question anything, especially whether how public or private to be about your Hiv status, remember, every situation is different and regardless of what I or any of the other Hiv'ers tell you, please keep foremost in your mind that you should do whatever you personally feel is best for yourself, your circumstances and your survival in this sometimes crazy, topsy-turvey world which we all live in. Yes, if you have any doubts about status disclosure, seek assistance for it, whether talking to a fellow Hiv'er, your medical and/or moral support teams, a trained professional counselor and so on and so on. Do not be influenced or coerced by anyone on sucha a very sensitive, private matter. Process all the information that you choose to gather on the issue of status disclosure and then make the most rational, logical decision for yourself.

There's a breed of Hiv'er out there who believes in 100% full disclosure in every single friggin scenario/situation in life and even with my being somewhat closested regarding my Hiv+ status, I most certainly do not have any problem with this type of Hiv'er. In fact, one of the many people who I admire most in the Hiv/AIDS world is such an individual and being open about his status every single which way he turns does indeed work out for him perfectly fine 101% of the time. However, be that as it may, he will be one of the first people on the planet to tell any and everyone what both he and I learned over 25+ years ago - what works for one person doesnt always mean it will work for everyone else. One should follow their gut instincts and take it from there. I agree with him wholeheartedly. However, there are others who think exactly like my friend does but they are not anywhat like him because they take the open-disclosure-of-status to a somewhat unnerving new extreme. It's that type of Hiv'er I have an issue with.

Their kind believes in shouting it from the friggin roof-tops, which is perfectly fine if that is how you the individual chooses to disclose your Hiv+ status. However, what makes their concept and the rationale behind it so unsettling is that this particular breed of Hiv'er will tell you how wonderful it was for them to do so or how much it literally saved their lives and how EVERYONE else on the planet should make the same exact decisions they did because there is no other way to live life as an Hiv'er or PWA, except their way. Uhm... I dont think so. I'm not saying that because I'm not totally out about my status as some others are, I'm saying that because following an example set by several or more folks could lead many people into making illogical decisions that could actually negate almost every other angle of their lives, again, depending on their individual circumstances because realistically speaking, we ALL have different circumstances. Now if any of you other Hiv'ers out there dont agree with me on this, fine, but for myself, I'll be damned if I'm gonna make such crucial, personal decisions about my life based on one or more person's personal experiences. Yes, I am more than open-minded to reviewing other peoples stories and making notes if I felt it was necessary to do so before making my ultimate decision but in the long run, just as you live life for yourself, you also wanna make your decisions based for yourself, not for anyone else.

Dont take the context in which I use the term "circumstances" lightly because I personally feel it is the key issue on whether or not determining when or how you disclose your Hiv+ status to the world. In a small-town or a major metropolitan city? Single or with someone? Working or close to being on disability? Barely making it or independently wealthy? The list goes on and on - the reasons why not to tell? Most certainly not - just a list of the factors that you need to take into consideration before making the decision that is not only the best decision for yourself but the right decision for yourself. Dont stress out about it, you'll know what the best thing to do is and remember, it's your life, if you wanna change your mind about this-or-that part of the decision-making process, that's totally up to you. As it should always be, after all, you're the one who has to live with yourself when all is said-n-done at the end of the day, not those other people who want you to live your life the way they see fit. Personally, I say look out for #1 regarding this issue because it's one of the most personal decisions you will ever make in your entire life.

Although we Hiv'ers are like everyone else out there on the planet - we come in all shapes, sizes, professional backgrounds, ethnic backgrounds, religions, etc., etc. - I've noticed that there is a predominant personallity makeup with these self-righteous, glorificating Hiv'ers as I'd like to appropriately call them. Such individuals will swear up-n-down "Well you know, it was the best friggin thing I ever coulda done with my life and because I did it and that was my experience, then goddamn it, you need to do it too!" Of course, such people who so fervently claim such a stance always always fail to factor in the circumstances of their particular life situations at the time of doing so. Did they do so totally on their own, or were they involved in a relationship at the time? Was their one or two revenues of income/financial stability at the time of their open disclosure? Did they happen to be barely making it or totally financially secure when disclosing their status? Do all these factors make any difference in the world? You goddamn bet your sweet ass they do. Because I'll make you a bet this very moment that if you, as an Hiv'er or any other Hiv'er you know, were to personally sit down and discuss with such individuals the circumstances at the time of their various public disclosures, and then compare your current situation with theirs, whether or not to disclose, with them knowing full-well the end results would be totally different when comparing the two scenarioes, nine times outta ten, such know-it-all-expert-Hiv'ers will tell you almost instantly "Oh well, this-or-that doesnt matter, you just need to do it, just do it!" Yet if you then ask them "Well, what do I do if this-or-that happens?" rather than be realistic and tell you that you need to have a back-up plan in place regarding practically every angle of full public disclosure, they wont tell you that. They are so consumed in their own personal, raptuous fantasy, they will say shit like "Oh, well, dont worry about that" or "Oh, well, that won't happen."

I dont know about the rest of you out there, but there is no fucken way I would allow anyone, including myself, to play Russian Roulette with my life, especially when it's something that may or may not very well affect my basic, daily survival. If you ask anyone else out there, Hiv+ or Hiv- or whatever, they will tell you the same exact thing I have shared with you in this piece. I'm serious. Anyone who states that being Hiv+ has become their personal savior is not dealing with a full deck of cards. Please dont misunderstand me, if being Hiv+ has indeed changed your life for the better and has influenced you to take the best damn care possible of yourself, as well as helped you grow and mature regarding life in general, then hey, I'll personally join you in shouting "Halleleujah!!!" from the mountaintops; but, for those people who literally overly-gloat about being Hiv+ as well as glorify this goddamned disease way above the welfare and safety of their fellow Hiv'ers, to the absurd level where they are putting the lives of their fellow human beings at risk, well, quite frankly, there is somethiing very VERY disturbing as well as mentally unbalanced about such behavior. Don't allow anyone to challenge you on your convictions because there are some people out there - such as the type of Hiv'ers I just mentioned to you - who there is no rationalizing and/or reasoning with. Their tunnel vision is something they have to live with, but it most certainly is not something you have to live with, unless you yourself make that decision.

I'm not gonna lie to anyone about this or any other angle regarding being Hiv+ and/or having AIDS - I dont have all the answers, but then again, I dont think anyone else does either. That too is yet another difference about the breed of Hiv'er that I have discussed in this piece with you, they think they have all the answers but they dont. They just might when it comes to their lives, but not yours. Actually, I should come up with a specific name for them because they are unlike any other variety of Hiv'er I've ever come across. Trust me, after living with this disease for almost 22 years, I've seen many different types of Hiv'ers come-n-go, let me tell you. So whoever you are, whatever you do, when it comes to being Hiv+ and who to tell and who not to tell, please, do yourself a favor, process all your informantion and then make the most positive beneficial decision(s) for yourself and again, remember, it's totally up to you, you're the one who calls the shots, no one else. Being a braggart is something I have never been, nor ever will be, but if you wanna go tit-for-tat on this selfishness/disclosure angle, look at it this way - aside from being fortunate enough to still be alive after all this time, long-term Hiv'ers such as myself havent survived this long by following other people's advice but by following our own instincts and being true to ourselves. If you can do those two things, you'll get much further ahead with your Hiv status and your life than anybody else, including yourself, could ever possibly imagine. Just remember, you're never ever totally alone. Thank you for reading.

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Personal Thoughts of a Personal Page - Thursday, January 20, 2011

Looking at that title I still feel a bit uneasy entertaining the thought of starting my own "personal" or "fan" page as people call them, but a few close confidantes of mine have made the suggestion to me and after giving it a great deal of thought, I'm leaning more towards creating one. But I will admit, I feel kinda funny doing so not just because I'm modest (that's what others tell me) but because I've never been very big into self-promotion to begin with. I mean, I do have something to offer others - my friendship, commaraderie, compassion, someone who will always be there to listen and offer moral support whenever I possibly can. Perhaps even the morsels of wisdom I have learned over the years when it comes to life in general; but, like everyone else, I still have more growing to do too. I woulda entertained the thought of a personal page months ago but it's taken me awhile to step up to the plate of self-promotion due to the fact that I've always viewed myself as the average gay guy, like I always say, I'm just a very simple person, nothing fancy or glamorous about me. But if I do indeed make a positive difference in the lives of others as much as people have told me I do, then damn, I do need to put myself more out there.

Of course, you know with me, there's always a flip side to everything. I've always viewed tooting ones' own horn as a form of vanity and/or conceit, two words that have never been used to describe my personality, both online and offline. But if you have something to offer others, something you strongly and firmly believe in, even if it is just you, then you do need to get yourself out there. Then again, when you look at it that way, it almost sounds like you are prostituting yourself, a concept I've never been too keen on! Maybe that's too strong of an analogy to use in this context. I guess what I'm trying to say is that as indecisive as I have been about the personal page thing, that definitely is not the case regarding my self-confidence and self-esteem as an individual because if you can't love, as well as like, yourself, how can you expect others to?

In the past, a few folks have told me "Get your brand out there, Spice!" and I can see their point but even describing my person in that context almost makes me feel like I am detracting the human side away from HivSpice, as if I'm making myself into something plastic, a bankable commodity or what have you. I know to some out there my way of thinking on all of this may come across as extremely polyanna but people need to understand that I'm just one of those people who is extremely careful in not wanting to lose the real me, my inner essence in all this modern-day, self-promotional society stuff that some folks do indeed lose themselves in. That's never a good thing, cause if you lose yourself then you lose your sights on your purpose for being. Maybe I do think about things too much sometimes but I just wanna always be careful about staying true to myself.

As miniscule of a decision as it may be to most, creating a personal page is something that I think deserves a great deal of thought. HivSpice as a brand. I gotta admit, when I created him years ago I did actually daydream about the possbilities. T-shirts, bumper stickers, guest spots on this-or-that tv and radio programs, and the creme-de-la-creme of it all - sharing a speaking stage with some of the folks I have always considered the greats - Bobby Campbell, Vito Russo, Cleve Jones, Larry Kramer, and the list goes on and on. Okay, maybe I am daydreaming a bit too much on all of that but still, it never hurts to dream. Plus, all of it would be an extremely memorable tribute to the young man from Cape Cod/fellow Hiv'er who designed the logo that everyone sees on my Profile picture on Facebook. He was a good kid, a great guy and what better way to show him eternal gratitude, great respect and profound reverence, you know? I'm sure some folks may not think much of stuff like that but when someone has created something personally for me, I cant help but be genunitely moved by both the person and their talent. I suppose anyone coulda created that logo but the fact that it was created specifically for me is something I will always be in awe of. It's the thought, the principle, as it befittingly always is for me.

If creating a personal page is gonna promote awareness in the battle against the AIDS epidemic, as well as focus necessary attention on the other causes I personally believe in and support, then a personal page it will be. I realize that creating one is suppose to be mainly for the person who creates it but I dont want it to be all about me, I want it to be a mixture of all kinds of things, all good things. I probaly will put one together in the next several days or so. A few friends have also suggested that I do so since both the readership on my blog is increasing as are the amount of people who have been thoughtful enough to friend me. I guess it is a good idea but I really dont know how well it will take off as they say. I suppose it's worth a try but there still is that tiny bit of apprehension deep inside me. Naturally so too because as great as it all sounds in concept, everyone knows that the actual process of putting it all together is gonna have a rough spot or two in it for me due to the abscence of a certificate of computer saviness in my life! One thing's for sure, it'll definitely be a learning experience, without a doubt, that's for sure.

I'm still not 100% comfortable with considering or labeling people who would visit the page my "fans" because I just dont view myself as some famous luminary-like person. If one must use labels at all, I'd like to consider anyone who would visit the page as "acquaintances" or "friends" because doing otherwise would be implying that I am above or better than other people, of which I am neither, that is something I will remain adamant about till I breath my last breath. We're in this world together, we are all equal, at least in my eyes. And unlike several of my activist contemporaries I am definitely not out to win or compete in any popularity contests. I'm just here to be me and let's face it, we all cant be liked by everyone, there will be those out there who simply dont like a person for whatever reason. Oh well, at least I have a realistic, down-to-earth approach to all of this. Perhaps I do have a tiny bit of vanity in one angle of this personal page business - it sure would be a good opportunity to prove to those doubters still out there that you can be respected and/or like for simply being yourself, not because of some over-run publicity mill or because of knowing this-or-that person. Who knows, maybe it'd even be chance to prove that nice guys dont always have to finish last after all. Yes, anything that might be even remotely challenging is worth exploring.

So, I'll do it, I'll create a personal page in the near future, but only under the premise of unselfish benefit, in other words, attention and public awareness towards the various battlefronts in the war against AIDS and whichever other issues I feel are 101% worthwhile. If it will help educate others, then it'll be worth it. If it doesnt work, then I'll just delete it. Who knows, perhaps it will even be a page for people to exchange thoughts and ideas too. As long as it's all good, I'm all for it. Thank you for reading, as well as for listening everyone. Have a pleasent evening everyone. 

 

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

In Defense of Larry Kramer - Monday, January 17, 2011

Due to the fact that AIDS activist Larry Kramer is considered too "old school" for a good many my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists that are out there these days I'm confident that some of my readers will most likely skip over this particular blog entry of mine and that's fine because even though I do write to every member of my reading audience in mind, this piece in regards to all the critics of Larry Kramer, specifically those who have been ripping him apart since the publication of his most recent article "AIDS is a plague allowed to happen" as well as his volatile critique of Anderson Cooper's 360 program on CNN, "Hope Survives: 30 Years of AIDS" which aired this past Friday evening, January 14th, 2011. Unfortunately, I did not get the opportunity to view the program due to the fact that I failed to program the recorder before I left for work that morning; however, I do assume that CNN will rebroadcast it at some point in time so I do hope to view it in the near future. But I did happen to read Larry Kramer's article - several times as a matter of fact - and I found it extremely strong and powerful, shooting directly from the hip as Mr. Kramer has always done without fail for the past 30 years. Oh I know, alotta people complained about how negative, depressing and dismal the article was but I think it totally depends on what perspective you're viewing it from - from a realistic standpoint or from the ostrich-head-stuck-in-the-sand standpoint. Personally, I choose to view it from the former.

But before I go any further with my impression of Mr. Kramer's article, I just wanna state upfront right away that even though I have not viewed Mr. Cooper's AIDS special on CNN, I do not doubt for one second that Mr. Kramer tore his way in-above-and-around it with the fine-toothed, razor-edged thoroughness that he is so well-known for. It really pains me to say this but it still blows my mind that so many of the generations that came after his still do not grasp the power of his deep-seated anger and vehement diatribes, they still do not grasp the concept that it was these very same battle tactics taken by Mr. Kramer that not only set the world on fire, but literally changed the Hiv/AIDS world for the better. Not all anger is negative. It may start out that way but whenever something positive, something good for the sake of all others is born from it, then that is truly something wonderful to behold.

Am I gonna go ahead and lecture everyone about how much the Hiv/AIDS world owes a great deal of respect and reverence for the extraordinary contributions Mr. Kramer has made to it? The painstaking hours, weeks, months, and years of his life that he has sacrificed fighting for it? No, because as much as has given - and still continues to give - there are many many others who have also sacrificed of themselves for the welfare of others too. The only thing - and it's a very big thing - that Mr. Kramer has given of himself that no one else has is that he sacrificed his time, energy and efforts in the form of being a major catalyst for change. Nowadays we still hear that one person can indeed make a difference in the world and he is a prime example of that. You may not agree with his vicuous rhetoric or his wave-making philosophies but he has nonetheless made an irrefutable impact on the Hiv/AIDS world. Someone like Larry Kramer definitely does not need someone like me defending him, but it is both an honor and a pleasure to be able to do so.

But I wanna get to the heart of the matter of this piece. I wanna ask this question - exactly what is it really that pisses so many people off about Larry Kramer? I dont buy this bullshit that alotta my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists have been peddling about him lately - that he's too caustic, he's too angry, he's too demanding, he's too judgemental, he's sucha major pain-in-the-ass and the perennial "Who the hell does he think he is?" Just like the rest of us, Larry Kramer has every god-given right to be as upset, as angry and as volatile as he damn well pleases when it comes to the way that society and the world in general has regarded and treated us Hiv'ers and those with full-blown AIDS. There's alotta you out there that keep asking why, what is so goddamn good about that man's short-fuse, his quick temper, and his knack for jumping down both the medical world's and the government's throats on the drop of a pin? That's very easy to answer - because he and his tactics have always been a catalyst for positive change. That is something we all need to be extremely thankful for.

I think there is a lot more to people despising Larry Kramer and not just because of his attitude, his anger or his actual person. No, I think it goes way way beyond those things and do you wanna know what I think the problem is? Jealousy. One-hundred percent purely unadulterated human jealousy. Look, each and every one of us has our own distinct, individual voice, that is something that cannot be denied of any of us, not even Larry Kramer. Yeah sure, I'm more than certain there are also alotta folks out there who wish their voice was as influential and as often-consulted as Mr. Kramers is; BUT, just because CNN isnt contacting the rest of us and asking us "Will you give your take on this?" or "What is your take on that?" doesnt give anyone else the right to lose control of themselves and bash the fucking hell outta Mr. Kramer just for the sake of soothing the obviously-bruised egos that I see a TON of you out there exhibiting. I wanna get something straight here with all of you goddamn whiners out there - Larry Kramer may not have solely created the world of Hiv/AIDS activism, even as much as he still is a central part of it, but I've said it before and I will say it again - A LOT of you out there would not be where you are today if he himself had not laid down the foundation for many of us. Oh I know I know, you all have justfiably and legitimately busted your asses to make as much of a diffference as you do, but I also know for a fact that if any of you out there encountered the tremendous amount of mudslinging that has flown Larry Kramer's way, while you were reaching for the same goals and end results that Mr. Kramer has reached for, I would be very curious to see just who's scores would be better.

In fact, that's a damn good point right there. If any of you think you can do a better job than Larry Kramer has done, then why dont you stop your goddamn bellyaching, get off your friggin asses and start making a change? C'mon, step up to the plate, if any of your methods are allegedly so much more better than Larry Kramer's then please, by all means, put your money where your mouth is. Allow me to rephrase that - IF any of you can do a better job at it, knock yourselves out.

Here's another part of the real problem that many of you have with Larry Kramer. Reality. Each and every time any one of you chooses to read or listen to anything he has to stay, it just bothers the living fuck outta you and you wanna know the real answer why? Because he forces you to pause the pansy-ass dancing around ritual of attending this-n-that fundraiser and being photographed with this-n-that notable personality to face the cold, harsh realities of what it means to be Hiv+ and to have AIDS. His actions literally knock the living fuck outta the horrendous foundation of make-believe and pretendom that so many of you perpetuate and you all just cant handle it. Oh it's not that Larry Kramer cant handle his own anger or cant conduct himself properly in the eyes of the world - it's the rest of you out there, many of my fellow Hiv/AIDS activisits, that cant handle either of those things. None of you out there want the real world to see what a rough, frustrating, severely depressing, and in some cases, severely dehabilitating disease that being Hiv+ and/or having AIDS really is. In many of your minds it's like "Oh no, we cant let everyone else see what it's really all about, we have to make our public appearances, we have to be dressed to the nines for this-or-that photographic opportunity, we have to flaunt that we look like everyone else, that our lives are great and we basically have no problems whatsoever!" Not only is that type of attitude in the Hiv/AIDS worlds unrealistic as well as extremely misleading, it's also downright dangerous. Face it, the only reason a helluva lotta you are slinging mud at Larry Kramer is because he obliterates every single fake glorification of this goddamned disease that many of you out there perpetuated. It's pathetic, it's disgusting and you all should be ashamed of yourselves! Keeping it real folks, that's what it's all about and Larry Kramer knows that, he has always known it and let's call a spade a spade here - you abhor him because of it.

Frankly, it also literally blows my mind that I of all people have to even put forth the energy to explain to all of you not only how Larry Kramer's mind works but one of his true secrets in engaging people to get off their asses and do something about this horrible situation that most of us Hiv'ers and those with AIDS are in. Actually, for all the tauts that I've gotten because of my anonymity and for all the HORRIBLE things people have said about me, specifically several of my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists, I should let all of you morons fucking figure it out for yourselves. However, unlike several of you, I'm not shallow like that. I have heart, I have compassion and I have a genuine drive for making a positive difference. By the way, those are the same exact things that set HivSpice apart from the rest of you self-proclaimed AIDS Guru wannabes out there. Here's why Larry Kramer painted sucha bleak, dismal, depressing epitaph on the Hiv/AIDS world most recently, both via that article and his knock-down-fight-offa-critique of Anderson Cooper's AIDS program - and it's for the same exact reason that great man has always picked up the pen and written - to GET PEOPLE TO THINK. TO GET PEOPLE TO GET OFF THEIR ASSES AND TAKE ACTION. There ya go. Every one of you who has constantly pissed-n-moaned and literally lost all senses of rationale and logical reasoning in your continous condemnation of Larry Kramer within the last 48+ hours simply can not, will not and do not comprehend that by spewing such flagrant venom all over the place, Larry Kramer is in essence the greatest and most effective motivational speaker in the Hiv/AIDS world. Yeah, it's that simple, that basic and again, you all should be ashamed of yourselves, of your substantial ignorance in not realizing this.

Dontcha guys get it at all? The very same exact things that you are castigating Larry Kramer for are the very same exact reasons of why he not only has been so successful as a catalyst for change in the Hiv/AIDS world, but also why he still continues to be an effective catalyst for change even in today's Hiv/AIDS world. Face it, Larry Kramer has more than secured his mantle, his belonging, his prescence, his whatever-you-wanna-call-it in our lives, in our world. He and what he stands for will ALWAYS be relevent in the Hiv/AIDS world and face it and many of you out there simply cannot handle that. You simply do not wanna accept what Larry Kramer has accomplished thus far and you wanna know why that is? Guess I'll have to be the one to spell it all out again - because there is NOT ONE of you out there (with the exception of myself and the people who know Larry personally) who has come to grips with the fact that Larry Kramer has accomplished all that he has via methods that many of you do not personally approve, as well as methods that you yourselves could never have the slightest notion on how to even begin to fathom. Backbone. Insufferable Backbone. Real. Reality. Nothing fake. No glitter. No glamour. Nobody comes as close to being a real man when it comes to all this bullshit except for Larry Kramer. And each and every one of you feels extremely threatened by that. I say again, shame on you. Shame on you for your extremely feeble attempts at stomping on a strong man who changes the world by simply opening his mouth and shooting out a 2 or 3 sentence disertation. Jealousy. Hypocrisy. Insecurity. Larry Kramer is none of those things, but I'm really curious, how many of you out there can claim as much?

And another thing. I've been wanting to nail folks to the wall on this one for a long, long time. Although I have no idea on how he personally has felt in the past regarding this, did you know that the term "AIDS Guru" originally comes from back-in-the-day when Larry Kramer co-founded ACT-UP? It was meant as a sign of deep respect and reverence for him, and it still is. However, I've noticed - actually, a day doesnt go by that it's not shoved in many peoples faces - that some of my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists out there cast the definite impression that they should be considered America's next AIDS Guru. Oh really? I gotta little newsflash for you folks out there who think that way - until any of you out there decides to really grow up and take the bull by the horns like Larry Kramer has, you might as well put your heads between your legs and kiss your asses good-bye on that dream. You're never ever gonna be as influential as Larry Kramer is until you can start being honest and real like him. Doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.

When I've written about Larry Kramer in the past a coupla folks wrote in to me and asked me "Well, you say all this now but what would YOU do if Larry Kramer came after you?" First of all, Larry Kramer does not now, or ever will, have a reason to ever "come after" me and if he did, naturally, I would stand my ground just as he stands his - with backbone. Not publicity mills, nor photos with this-or-that self-proclaimed-AIDS-Guru-wananbe, but with backbone, with my own person, just as he would. Second, and even more importantly, Larry Kramer doesnt pick petty shit-fits with people like some of you out there do. He's all about utilizing his life energy, not wasting it on prepubescent behavior. Yeah, really.

Though no one is perfect, though we all have our good and not-so-good qualities about ourselves as people, I, HivSpice, as well as I, the person behind HivSpice, will never turn my back on Larry Kramer. I've said it before and I will say it again - that man has done so much good for my generation and has made sucha positive, profound impact in the Hiv/AIDS world that to give him anything other than basic respect is just totally unacceptable in my eyes. If you dont agree with me, if you wanna hate the man all you want, that is your choice as well as your opinion. However, allow me to ask one more question before I close this piece. I dont know about everyone else but I treat others the way I'd like to be treated. With that being established, I'm curious, for those of you who so vehemently disagree with Larry Kramer, let me ask you this - how would you like it if everyone treated you the way you've treated him?  What's that you say? Somewhat of a different story when the shoe is on the other foot, isnt it? Yep, that's exactly what I thought. As much as I dont care to end my pieces with a cliche, just remember guys, people in glass houses should never throw stones. Thank you for reading. 

 

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Angels of Death - Sunday, January 16, 2011

I gotta be honest, I really dont wanna write about this right now but Lord knows if I dont, no one else will because unlike myself, there are a great many Hiv'ers, their friends & family, their physicians, their nurses and even their basic caregivers, who already know that the type of individuals I am about to discuss with you in this piece are indeed a reality in the Hiv/AIDS world. It's just that alotta people dont wanna talk about it, they wanna continue to pretend that they dont exist, but they most certainly indeed do and people need to be made aware of them so that their loved ones do not fall prey to being victimized by them in any way, shape or form. This issue really upsets me.

As I mentioned in my tiny preview note earlier this morning, I didnt want to ever have to write about it but some situations which I rather accidentally stumbled upon within the last 48 hours have not only sent actual shivers up-n-down my spine, but have sent up a red flag from my psyche which I simply cannot ignore. As I write this piece I have so many mixed emotions, so many things I wanna say. Part of me just wishes with all my might that I could literally reach through other people's computer screens, specifically these Angels of Death, physically grab them by their throats and say "Look, I know exactly what you motherfuckers are up to and none of you are gonna get away with jackshit!" True, I do not advocate physical violence of any kind, but when innocent people are at stake and are in great danger of being harmed in any way, let's just say I get angry, very angry, just like anyone else would (and does) in such circumstances. 

I'd like to include some kind of disclaimer in this piece, just so that everything is out on the table so to say. Everything that I am about to share with my readers is based strictly and totally on my personal first-hand experiences as well as the experiences of several very dear and treasured friends whom I have been fortunate enough to know over the years, some now deceased, some still with us, thank goodness. I am not a licensed psychoanalyst or psychotherapist so I will not be making any type of official diagnoses regarding the individuals, the Angels of Death, of whom I will be describing to you today in this piece. If you are a psychological or psychiatric professional and are inclined to assess the information I will be sharing with you today, please feel free to do so. For myself, I'm just sharing my personal experiences regarding it with others.

Naturally, I need to provide a definition for the term "Angels of Death." Basically what they are is simply this - they are individuals who for whatever psychological reasons, feel that they need to be a part of other people's dying process. I know, if I was reading that for the very first time I too would exclaim "What the hell are you talking about??" I'll give you a classic example of this. An Angel of Death is someone who would do something like the following - they're volunteering at their local AIDS hospice and alla sudden you'll see them literally climb into bed with a dying Hiv'er and when you ask them what the hell do they think they are doing, do you know what they will tell you? "Well, I wanna be part of what they're going through, I want to experience their death with them, so I'm just gonna stay really close to them and share this with them." Excuse me? EXCUSE ME??? There's something extremely important and crucial that I need to share with all of you when it comes to death and the dying process because Lord knows I've seen enough of it in my lifetime to definitely qualify writing about it. Here's the deal - when a human being is dying, the last thing in the world they want during their final hours, their final moments is some stranger crawling into their friggin hospital bed and embracing them! Not for a bucket-of-ice-water-in-Hell would anyone, regardless of what they're dying of, want something like that taking place in their final hours. During such times, you want your loved ones, whomever that may be, around you and that's it. Yeah, it's really that simple.

But not with the Angels of Death. They feel it's their divine right to intervene with the attitude of "Well, you need to share your experience with me cause it will help you feel better." Feel better? People who die in hospitals, hospice centers, their homes, etc. etc, aren't gonna feel better sharing their final moments with someone they dont even know! In fact, they arent gonna feel better period because they are friggin dying! I just cannot fathom what people, even the Angels of Death, do not comprehend about that. Now if it's the scenario of clutching the railing on the aft deck of the TITANIC with 1,512 of your fellow passengers or perhaps jumping outta the left Promenade deck windows on the HINDENBURG, those scenarioes I could see as realistic for feeling totally comfortable dying with strangers. But while you're laying solitarily on your deathbed? I dont think so. Look, death and dying are very very personal and private experiences. Those self-proclaimed Angels of Death who still exist out there need to realize that not only is their behavior unacceptable but if they wanna experience death so friggin bad, they need to do that when it's their time to go, not other peoples' time to go.

But now here's an even more disturbing facet about all of this. Over the last coupla decades, the Angels of Death have evolved from being the somewhat unbalanced individuals whom I just described to you to the totally Grade-A whacked-out individuals they are today. Only these days, instead of just wanting to be a part of other people's dying process, they now, with the advent of the internet, and much to the horror of myself and many of my contemporaries, want to be a part of other peoples thought patterns, as well as part of how people feel about everything in their lives. Here's how the Angels of Death operate on the internet. They become a part of (or infiltrate) any certain group of people, in this case, Hiv'ers and those with AIDS. Then they psychologically acclimate themselves to the Hiv/AIDS battlefront mentality. Then they insulate themselves with all the players they will intentionally draft into their warped mindgames. Finally, if their victims are fortunate enough, they will show their true colors once their walls of patience disintegrate. I'll give an example. Let's say there is some Hiv'er who's very very sick and needs an extra bit of compassion, an extra bit of guidance, an extra bit of hand-holding to get through some of those rough spots we all encounter. An Angel of Death will be there totally 100% for their intended victim but then the first time - and only the very first time - the sick person even slightly disagrees with their theories and/or philosophies on life, BAM!! they go in for what they consider their kill. They will figuratively smack their victims with things like "Well because I experienced it this way, it is this way, there is no other way" or "Well, what you're experiencing isnt right, you should only look at it through my eyes, the way I see it." Their bottom line is this - they mistreat people strictly for the extremely charged mindrush it gives them and nothing more. That one deplorable action of theirs alone should indicate to others that such people are undeniably 4 oars short of a Cambridge-side rowing team!

Look, I too am 100% for everyone out there, regardless of their circumstances, communicating with others, sharing their life experiences, comparing notes and all those extremely positive, enriching, bonding experiences which we all are entitled to in life; but, to tell someone else that what they are feeling, how they are feeling, what they are experiencing, is "wrong" because it's not identical to your experience? That is just totally unimaginable to me. Where does anyone get off treating their fellow human beings with such disregard? But that's exactly whatta Angel of Death does and figuratively speaking, they need to be done away with.

With cyber-universe after cyber-universe springing forth from outta nowhere, the worst fears regarding the Angels of Death have come true. They are now on the internet, and what better way to fool others than by sitting behind a computer screen where their psychological aberrances are not obvious, not visible to the human eye? Worse yet, and this breaks my heart to even say it, but sometimes they are even Hiv'ers themselves. I get livid when I think about that because I cannot fathom anyone dealing with the health issues that myself and thousands of others out there deal with, yet behaving so cruelly and irrationally towards others. There are a couple of tip-offs to watch out for. First, they have no major opportunisitic infections and/or secondary diseases as a result of the Hiv virus and this can be considered a major tip-off because if they themselves or no one close to them has experienced either, how can they in good conscience even consider counseling others regarding such matters? How they interact with their friends. That's another big tip-off. It's hard to detect this right away after encountering an Angel of Death but if you watch closely, let's say for a week or two, you'll notice right away that they consider their friends "disposable." You'll discover them shutting down friendships for irrational reasons as well as appearing to have many, many friends but when you notice that they communicate with very few of those friends, you'll know right away that something just isnt totally right in Denmark!

Angels of Death exist in both our real world as well as in the internet world, but naturally due to not being able to read their facial expressions and/or body-language, it's actually much more difficult detecting their prescence online, but definitely not their intentions. The ones I stumbled across this weekend really startled me, they actually almost escaped detection but while I was sitting in front of the computer, I accidentally came across a few exchanges here-n-there and then when it hit me what I just discovered, I literally jumped up off my computer chair, exclaiming to myself "....Houston?....I think we we have a problem Houston....."

I cant tell anyone what to do when it comes to encountering these Angels of Death characters but I'd like to make at least a coupla suggestions. First, if you run into anyone with that type of psychological make-up and you catch them in the act, you may want to report them to the proper authorities. By that I mean let's say you're visiting friends or family atta hospice center and you see a volunteer or hell, even a nurse, behaving that way, you need to report them because that's just not right when people do shit like that. Second, if you somehow encounter Angels of Death on the internet, be very aware of it and depending on the circumstances, you need to report them as well because whether in-person or via the internet, these people are definitely psychologically aberrant to some degree and can be harmful towards others. With the internet, it is indeed harder to prove that another person is an Angel of Death unless you yourself are the one being victimized. If for some reason you dont have enough sufficient evidence to blow the whistle on these types of individuals? Rest assured, sooner or later one or more of their victims gets hocked off at them and they blow their cover and the truth usually prevails. Regardless, always be aware of those around you and your loved ones, whether in real life or on the internet.

As for myself, last night I detected 3 such individuals who I have very sound and firm reason to believe are indeed Angels of Death. None of them are victimizing me personally but I see they have put their wheels in action towards several other people, but unless the potential victims were to choose to come forward in the near future, there's notta damn thing I can do about it and I find that extremely frustrating. Sure, I could try saying something to the involved parties but in cases such as this, I would most likely be considered a troublemaker and either be politely or rudely ignored by others. Hell, that wouldnt bother me since it does involve looking out for the best interests of my fellow human beings but this is one of those scenarioes where it will most likely take people finding out for themselves to know the truth. I just hope by then it's not too late. In the meantime all I can do is sit back, observe and sincerely pray for the best. 

Looking back on this piece, I realize that people may very well divide themselves into two camps on this issue - those who realize that I am very serious and those who may not put any stock in everything that I have just shared with you. Whichever side of the fence you choose to stand on regarding this issue, it is my sincere hope that you will at least allow yourself to be aware of this issue and act accordingly in the best interests of yourself and those around you. Trust me, if I didnt think it was something to be concerned about I woulda never even bothered writing about it. Most of you out there know me pretty well by now - if people stand the risk of getting harmed in any way, then I'm the type of person who will always do what I can for the sake of protecting others.

In regards to the preview note I wrote prior to this piece, I never knew Paul Monette personally, but what I have read about him via his books, such as "Borrowed Time: An AIDS Memoir"(1988) and "Becoming A Man: Half A Life Story"(1992), he was quite an extraordinary human being. I remember after he died, the mutual friend of ours regaling me with stories of what it was like to know him in person and I wish I would've had the honor of doing so. In reference to these Angels of Death, I can truly understand how Mr. Monette and I would've indeed shared the same perception of what negative, detestable human beings (if such individuals should even be classified as such) they really are. Looking back on the last 21+ years of my life as an Hiv+ individual it still amazes me what kinds of people are born out of something like the AIDS epidemic, some great, some not so great. Either way, as long as folks try to look out for each other, as long as their is hope, I know that we will obtain victory both over AIDS and the Angels of Death. I'd like to dedicate this piece to Mr. Monette, a gifted writer and a wonderful human being. Even though we never knew each other personally, I hope I have done justice to an issue that has made an impact on both of us. Therefore, I'd like to close this piece with a quote by Mr. Monette himself, a quote that until now I never realized really is a tenet of both HivSpice and myself - "Go without hate, but not without rage. Heal the world." - Paul Monette (1945-1995). As always, thank you for reading.

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

1:09 A.M. - Preview Note - Sunday, January 16th, 2011

I know, I usually dont write so darn late at night but there is something I needed to get off my chest, because when I sit down to write about it either tomorrow or in the next day or two, it's gonna be a subject that I never ever thought I'd ever have to write about. Yet, ironically so, some of the Hiv'ers who have gone on before me told me before they passed away that when I encountered what I will be writing about tomorrow, I will know it without even the slightest hint of a doubt. Well, they were right. I have encountered it and the "it" is a type of individual who infiltrates the Hiv+/AIDS community and literally preys on it, not literally, but rather psychologically. These types of individuals started showing up on the scene around the late 1980's to early 1990's and they were, and still are, appropriately called the "Angels of Death" not because they literally murder Hiv'ers or those with AIDS, but because they attempt to do so mentally. I know, you can just imagine what I have to say about all of that, cant you? Trust me, if I wasnt so exhausted at the moment, I'd be primed to pounce, but it will have to wait till tomorrow.

The person who first brought this to my attention a few years after I had been diagnosed was someone who was also a friend of author Paul Monette. I've never written about Monette previously in this blog but the friend we shared suggested that if I ever did tackle the subject of the Angels of Death, to please feel free to go ahead and mention Mr. Monette for he too so very much abhorred such individuals. So tomorrow when I tackle yet another piece of new territory in the writer sense, I will be taking the liberty of dedicating it to Paul Monette. My only hope is that I will do the subject justice the way Mr. Monette would've wanted it. I guess we can only hope and pray, heh? Sleep well everyone. Thank you for reading.

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

A Message To Newbies - Thursday, January 13, 2011

In all the times that I've written about being Hiv+ there's always been a little sidenote that I kept forgetting to tack on to those previous entries of mine but in spite of my unintentional forgetfulness towards it, it's still a very extremely important message to get across to everyone out there, especially those who have been recently diagnosed. Please do not allow anyone to negate, degrade or humiliate you in any way, shape, or form just because you were diagnosed years after what has been considered some of the roughest years of the AIDS epidemic, the early to mid-1980's. I'm very serious about this. More than several of my readers have recently written in to me voicing their genuine concerns and fears that the stigma levels that old-time Hiv'ers such as myself have experienced over the years is vastly becoming minimal when compared with the degree of increased stigma that those who have been recently diagnosed have been encountering. Without intentionally making myself sound like a dinosaur, which I suppose in a way I am for as long as I have been living with Hiv, if there is indeed a rising incidence of this form of harassment and/or discrimination taking place, then I'd like to say something about it right now.

In my opinion, it is TOTALLY IRRELEVANT on when a person contracted the Hiv virus. I dont care if it was several years before I was infected back in August, 1989, or if someone received their results just this morning - any person who is diagnosed with any form of chronic disease and/or terminal illness deserves nothing but unconditional moral support and abundant compassion from anyone and everyone they come into contact with. They do not deserve to be belittled, jeered at, judged and/or condemned by others. Such behavior is inexcusable in my eyes and it should not be tolerated regardless of what anyone's circumstances regarding their infection entails. Yeah, it's really that simple.

Though some people out there will ask "Well how, how could they become infected after all the education and prevention efforts that have been poured into fighting this disease???" that too is something I personally feel is irrelevant. Beating oneself over the head and people damning themselves for becoming infected is extremely unhealthy and does not accomplish a damn thing; but, taking extra good care of yourself and educating yourself on how to take better care of yourself, those are the positive, productive things everyone should be doing. As a veteran survivor of this disease, yes, it does shock me when I read about the rising Hiv infecton rates in the various factions of the world we live in today, but for me or for anyone to scrutinize the recently infected is just plain wrong - we need to continue to help others, not be their jury-n-judge. In addition, as a collective community, we all should continue to work at improving Hiv prevention education and making certain that everyone out there knows the facts about this disease, as well as having the tools to make the right decisions regarding their personal choices.

My only concern, or perhaps it could even be considered a friendly and well-intended suggestion, is that those who are recently or newly infected do not fall into a false sense of security if they dont have any major-major medical situations in the first few years after diagnosis. Living life day-to-day is the best way to approach dealing with this disease, but living by the seat of ones pants, being an irresponsible party animal, thinking one is invincible, attitudes such as that are foolhardy. People need to just not take better care of themselves but they need to immediately start educating themselves on what to and not to expect regarding the disease once they are diagnosed. Dont get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that all the newbies instantly start immersing themselves in reading and viewing every book, magazine article, medical journal update and/or film regarding Hiv/AIDS that's been produced in the past 30 years, but rather when their healthcare professionals and specialists make suggestions on what they can do to improve their daily-life experiences, that they listen and think about what they've been told versus going with the attitude "Well, I feel great, I am perfectly fine, I dont need to know any of this." Yes, yes you do for one day it may very well save your life. Just some food for thought.

As for the term "newbies" that's what us old-time Hiv'ers use to call folks, from around the mid 1990's up until now, where the newer politically correct terms of "newly infected" and/or "recently infected" are now the new norm. Actually, if I had my way I would do away with all 3 of those terms because I dont want anyone else getting infected with this damned disease. Yes, I have been extremely fortunate in dealing with it thus far but you will never find me glorifying it because frankly, I dont think it deserves that, I think it deserves to get as knocked on its ass as much as is humanly possible. Either way, the bottom line is that people need to stop giving shit to newbies. Dont drill others with "When did you find out??" or "How on earth did you get this now???" rather ask them how they are doing, ask them if there is something you can do to help and try to be there for them in some way if you truly care about them. Remember, whether you're an Hiv'er or not, we're all in this world together and should do what we can to embrace and help others, not make their reality any harder or anymore difficult to deal with than it already is. Thank you for reading.

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

A Touch of Herpes - Wednesday, January 12, 2011

This past weekend I was talking with my cousin in Florida over the phone and we had one of the best conversations we've had in years and we actually had a few laughs here-n-there, particularly over something that I thought I would never ever laugh about - my Gential Herpes. I know I know, some of you out there may think "That's not one bit funny. How could you laugh at something like that?" That's very easy to answer - because I needed to. Yes, you read correctly, I needed to. I think one of the most crucial parts of the process in coming to full terms and total acceptance with any type of chronic condition/disease is to be able to take a step back from it every-now-n-then and just laugh your ass off about it! And guess what? It worked, it really worked and I cant thank my cousin enough for that.

Don't get me wrong, there are some medical conditions/diseases that should never be laughed at, especially when it comes to being Hiv+ and/or having AIDS. Yet, even in those 2 examples, there are comediennes who do include such jokes in their routines and I suppose if they are non-offensive and aid others in the acceptance process, then I guess it's okay. But not really, because I've never found any of those jokes funny unless they are the personal jokes shared between others who are battling this disease, you know, the kind about how ironic we share some of the same infections and stuff like that.

Anyways, what my cousin and I found so funny was the way in which I described to him how ironic it was regarding the way I contracted the disease itself. Those of you who are my regular readers have most likely read my previous pieces regarding my Genital Herpes infection so if any of this sounds like a repeat to any of you I promise I wont be offended if you choose to skip over this piece.

So I told him how it all happened. How I became involved with a Rabbi and how during the 3 months that we dated (I believe that might even qualify as a short-term relationship for some people) I kept saying to myself, in a self-joking way mind you, things like "Oh I just know that someday I am gonna pay for this, I just know it! Someday I'm gonna get punished for sleeping with a Holy Man!" and "I'll betcha I'm gonna get one of those "Bad Girl" diseases!" You know, those kind that we saw in those 16 mm Health Class films in high school, the ones where slinky-looking Bad Girl types were hidden beneath darkly colored trenchcoats, kerchiefs on their heads, Rayban-like looking sunglasses and were walking down the street while that perennial deep-voiced narrator would say things like "To the average streetgoer this young inconspicous-looking woman may look like the girl-next door but BEWARE!!! Beneath her casual attire lurks another young soul tortured by... THE CLAP!" or "See that attractive young woman about to cross the street corner to fetch herself a cup of coffee? The one who is now sitting down with that nice-looking chap at the local diner? Little does he know, what lurks behind her titilating smile, her graceful table manners, her invigorating personality is....THE CLAP!!!" Little did I know how prophetic and ironic those words, those jokes of mine would be for they did indeed come true. Or as I have said ever since February, 2010, when I was diagnosed with Genital Herpes, "I've heard of giving Sylvia Browne a run for her money, but this is ridiculous!!" It's true, all of it so very true.

You see, the main reason I really REALLY needed to laugh about all of this was to help give myself final closure to the anger that was at one time very deeply associated with the circumstances regarding my contracting of the disease. Shock, anger, resentment, I went through every heated emotion possible over that situation. I told the man who gave me the disease right upfront, less than 24 hours after we met, that I was Hiv+ and that we needed to practice safe-sex only, that it was totally non-negotiable and if he couldnt handle that, then it was "Seeya Sparky!" I was honest with him, 100% honest with him yet he obviously wasnt honest with me and I guess to a much smaller degree now, it still angers me a little bit from time-to-time that I really let down all my walls for him but he obviously didnt do so for me. He lied to me - before we ever had sex, during the time we were together, and even afterwards. Hey, he was my most recent sexual partner at the time and I felt I owed him the knowledge of the situation. I dont feel bad or wrong for doing so but with the way he treated me regarding it all in the first place, sometimes I wonder why I ever wasted my breath. I mean c'mon, this guy knew that with being Hiv+ I was dealing with an unstable immune system to begin with, how could he in good conscience endanger not just someone in my situation, but anyone in any situation?

Did I have any clues or tip-offs about the Genital Herpes? No. You see, that's one of most extremely tricky aspects about Genital Herpes - one person can infect another even when at the time they are not experiencing an actual breakout of the disease. There was not one single bit of physical evidence on that man's body to indicate that he had any type of veneral disease whatsoever. Plus, he was an extremely clean person, had excellent personal hygiene, nothing visible that woulda made my subconscious scream out to me "Danger Spice Robinson, Danger!!!" Oh sure, your local health department or local vd clinic personnel will tell you that there are no safe-sex guidelines for Genital Herpes, that your best bet is to use a condom, use a condom, USE A CONDOM!!!! BUT, in the same breath, they will also tell you that there is no guarantee that you wont become infected even when using a condom for it merely has to do with skin-on-skin contact, whether in the groin area or the anal area. And here comes the irony of it all - WE DID USE CONDOMS!! How could we not? I didnt wanna give him the Hiv virus and I know he didnt want it either, quite naturally!

So yes, I am living proof that you can use condoms and still contract certain veneral diseases. Yet in the overall scheme of things, how do I really feel about it now, as my one-year anniversary of having it approaches? Without being bitter towards the man who gave it to me, as well as towards life in general, I think it was merely a very bad stroke of fate. I really do. I mean, I ask anyone out there, what are the chances of being Hiv+ all these years, and doing the best I can to lead a normal, happy life, only to find out last year that I have yet another friggin sexually-tramsmitted disease thrown on top of it all? Personally, I'm by no means a mathematical statistician but I would like to venture, truly, one-in-a-million. Of course, the real kicker is how the damn disease is reacting inside my body. Unlike most folks with this type of Herpes, my body will never ever (unless one of my doctors discovers a new breakthrough on it) getta break from taking the Acyclovir that at this current point in time I am most certain I will be on for the rest of my life. Seriously. Most people take the Acyclovir in cycles, the breakout goes away and they may not experience another breakout anywhere from 3 months to 3 years (I'm using those figures as an example). Once the breakout is over with, off of the medication they go and they do not have to take anymore, not ever again, until they physically sense another breakout beginning. But, that's not the case with me. Irony steps in once again.

For some still-unexplained reason, something inside my body is continously triggering the Genital Herpes virus to reactivate itself over and over again. Constantly. Oh dont get me wrong, I show no physical symptons of the disease, nor do I have any pain whatsoever; BUT, that's because I'm constantly on the Acyclovir and like my doctos, I assume that eventually my body will become immune to that medication. Should that ever ever happen I dont know what I'll do but I'm hoping there will be a new answer, perhaps a new piece of the puzzle that was previously overlooked. No, I'm not worried, not really, I'm just gonna use the same approach and attitude with the Genital Herpes that I use with the Hiv virus - remain calm, take it one step at a time and live with it one day atta time. As long as you approach this kinda stuff with a rational yet good attitude, trust me, it makes it more easier to accept and live with.

I won't lie to anyone. Yes, there still is a part of this situation that bothers me from time to time but I take that one step atta time too. The part of how others perceive or view me, epsecially when it comes to the world of dating. I'm 100% honest with anyone whom I go out with about my Hiv+ status as well as the Genital Herpes because I simply could not live with myself if I ever ever infected another human being with either disease. Oh I know there are safe-sex guidelines and other alternative methods of being intimate with another person so as to not infect them with either but still, worrying about it in the back of one's mind is always a daily reality that folks like me will have to live with for the rest of our lives. I know alotta folks out there rarely say that but I think it needed to be said out loud because it is so true. Sometimes I think to myself "Gee, maybe I should just date guys who are in the same exact boat as I am - Hiv+ w/Genital Herpes - that almost sounds like a fast-food drive-thru order doesnt it? "Uhm yes, I'll have...a Steak-n-Mushroom burger, a chocolate milkshake and a fresh side order of Hiv+ w/Genital Herpes please, thanks!" And you wanna know something else? I do not blame, fault or would even think of chastising to any degree any man out there who would turn to me and say "I'm sorry, you're a real nice guy but I just cant handle all of that." No, no, no, for another individual to be that honest, that respectful, that decent towards me, I wouldnt blame him and you wanna know why? Cause let's face the truth here guys, if the shoe were on the other foot, how would you feel? I'd much rather encounter a guy who respected himself enough to be that honest with me versus the opposite extreme, a guy who says "Whoah! Get the hell away from me."

Dont get me wrong, I truly and firmly believe that any two people should fall in love and become involved with each other only if they truly care about each other and share a special connection together. In other words, because they fall in love with the other person for who they are, not based on what diseases they have or dont have. After all, why would anyone even think of considering those who are not romantically interested in them as the scourge-of-the-earth just because they cant handle one's health issues? No way, no fucken way would I treat another human being that way because all that would mean is that they are looking out for their best interests at heart and c'mon guys, how can we judge any of our fellow human beings when they are trying so hard like the rest of us to do what they feel is personally best for themselves? For myself, I personally choose to do what I've done since day one back in August, 1989 as well as back in February, 2010 - I'm going to continue to be upfront, honest and direct about all my medical conditions with anyone whom I choose to date and if they cant accept all my truths, well then, at least I know that for myself I did the right thing and I therefore have nothing to be ashamed of. To do otherwise would be both unconscionable and unacceptable for me. Just remember everybody -  before you can live with and go to bed with someone else, you have to first be able to do both with yourself. Make sense? I sure hope so.

I truly appreciate the laughs I had over the phone with my cousin in Florida this past weekend. He helped me contend with the Genital Herpes issue so much better. He helped aid me in feeling more "okay" about it and he reminded me that no matter how unimaginable or frustrating some of the things that life throws at us are, we truly can find humor in everything. Do I still harbor any resentment towards the man who infected me with the Genital Herpes? No, not really. Hey, he didnt force me to sleep with him, I did that on my own accord, so no, it's not totally his fault. The only thing I wish regarding him specifically is that he would've respected me enough to have been as honest with me as I was with him, that's all. Oh well, you live and you learn, you know? Honesty. Respecting others as much as you respect yourself. Friends. True Friends. Those are some of the things that I wish for all of you out there, both now in the near year of 2011 and for many, many years to come. Thank you for reading.

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Whole Wheat Pasta: When Nutrition Goes Awry - Saturday, January 8, 2011

Last night a friend of mine decided to give whole wheat pasta a try for dinner, as well as mentioning his personal experience of doing so online and let me tell you, his reaction to the experience did not surprise me one bit. In many cases, most pasta products made with or consisting of "whole wheat," "whole-grain" and/or "multigrain" ingredients in them taste sorta off. Whole Wheat pasta especially is very true to form on this factor for one simple reason - it simply tastes downright nasty!!! Dont let those health-food-foodies or Vegan folks out there inform you otherwise because if they tell you "Oh, we think that stuff is soooo yummy!!" you have my full blessings to literally tie them to a chair, present them with a Big Mac from Mickey-D's and instruct them to tell the truth or else! Trust me, they'll fess up instantaneously because there is not one single person on this planet who doesnt know the difference in texture and flavor of whole wheat pasta, as well as it's horribly, wet-cardboard-like, grainy aftertaste! Or, simply put, "Bleecchh!!!" Just because a food product is suppose to be healthy for you doesnt necessarily mean that it's gonna taste delicious. No pasta product out there presents a better illustration of this fact than whole wheat pasta.

Now that I have just said this, I'm sure there may be some professional cooks, experienced chefs and even simple home cooks such as myself who will say "Well, you're making it the wrong way, if you make it this way or that way, it is delicious!!!" Oh please, those people are so fulla shit! It doesnt matter how you make it, regular or al dente, with a bolognese, marinara, alfredo or garlic/butter sauce, there is only way that whole wheat pasta of any variety can be made to even taste remotely delicious and that's via one thing - improvisation. There are two ways to improvise to make that kinda crap taste better.

First, do what the North End Italians do in Boston and not just beause they are from my beloved Boston but beause they know exactly what the hell they are doing when it comes to pasta. Whenever you make whole wheat pasta, the secret to making it taste good is the following - dillute it. Yes, simply dillute it. Like this. No matter how much pasta any recipe calls for it, use 1/2 cup of whole wheat pasta within 1 cup of regular, normal pasta. In other words, let's say you're making HivSpice's Baked Ziti Casserole, which calls for 2 cups ziti or penne pasta. Use 1 cup regular, normal pasta and 1 cup whole wheat pasta. Yep, it's really that simple. Whole wheat pasta is good for you and yes, it can be delicious; BUT, the only way to achieve that is by mixing it together with regular, normal pasta because if you eat it full strength, God help you.

Now if for some reason the half to half ratio still is not palatable enough for you, then cut it back down one more notch, go 1/4 cup whole wheat pasta within every 1 cup of regular, normal pasta.

Second, should you not exchange notes with anyone about the evils of whole wheat pasta or read the warning I have included in this piece before preparing it, there is one way that you can salvage post-prepared whole wheat pasta. Simply add sliced cherry tomatoes, chunks of feta cheese, sliced black olives and your favorite Italian Dressing or Balsamic Vinegarette to your drained, cooled whole wheat pasta, mix well, chill for about 2 hours and throw some chopped fresh Basil on before serving and you're good to go. Also, should you ever overcook pasta, which happens to all of us from time to time, the above method can also be utilized to salvage that as well.

Whether it be a coupla pieces of whole wheat toast buttered with low-fat margarine or even some of the newer bagel varieties out there that are made with various multi-grains, I do thoroughly enjoy some of whole-wheat/whole-grain/multi-grain food products that are available on the market these days; but, what I dont like, is when some of the major food companies out there tamper with, as well as screw up, something as simple as your average pasta product with ingredients that simply arent suppose to be there in the first place! Hey, what good is nutition if you cant eat the product itself? It ends up being a waste of both money and time for the everyday consumer and that's simply not right. And if you wanna go tit-for-tat on this issue, then look at it this way - if pasta was intended to be made any other way than what most of the entire world has experienced thus far, dontcha think the great chefs of Italy, Tuscany, Sicily, and the like woulda altered their recipes thousands of years ago? Finding new ways of eating old-time favorites in a much healthier way is a fantastic idea; but, if anyone is gonna do any new pioneer work in that field, please do your best to make it edible, okay? Chef Boyarddee my ass. Thank you for reading.

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Regarding NYC's "It's Never Just Hiv" Ad Campaign - Wednesday, January 5, 2011

This is my first-ever attempt at trying to post a link within one of my blog pieces and I guess I wont know if it has truly been successful until after I have published this piece. With that being said, here is the link to the currently controversial video created by New York City's "It's Never Just Hiv" ad campaign - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0ANiu3YdJg. I suggest that everyone views this video as well as reads the article attached to it before reading my take on the entire issue. If for some reason this link does not come through in this piece please feel free to go to YouTube.com to view the video or simply Google "It's Never Just Hiv" and it should take you to the direct link of the video. If my attempt at posting the link here has indeed been successful, then hot damn, I just moved up 10 to 12 notches on the "Computer-Savvy" charts!! Okay, onward with the piece....

Late last night before I went to bed, I happened to view the video created/sponsored by New York City's "It's Never Just Hiv" ad campaign, accompanied by a well-written, indepth article written by Poz magazine founder Sean Strub, which was co-posted at both Poz.com and HuffingtonPost.com. This particular video has come under a considerable amount of public scrutiny, both by Hiv'ers and non-Hiv'ers alike due to its graphic content and it's scare-tactics approach regarding Hiv education and prevention. Personally, I've viewed the video several times and most likely will view it again should I need to do so for reference purposes. Yes, it is indeed extremely graphic in one of its segments and yes, it does indeed use scare-tactics to get it's key points across but I will ask the same question I have asked since the early 1980's when the first cases of Hiv/AIDS surfaced here in America - scare tactics or not, if such methods are effective, what is the big deal? We are talking about saving people's lives here - does it really get anymore simplified than that? I think not.

Medical facts, statistics and/or projections aside, I did indeed find this 31 second-long video quite intense and right-in-your-face. The bottom line is more or less what it's always been - it's a known fact that if you do indeed contract the Hiv virus, you are indeed setting yourself up and increasing your chances of coming down with other diseases, regardless of what medications and/or treatments you are on. This is a basic fact folks, there is no reason to candycoat it or downplay it in regards to educating the general public out there. Granted, this is true of many other diseases out there too, such as various forms of cancer, osteoperosis, diabetes - you name it, 9 times outta 10 there are always "side-effect diseases" that can and do form as a result from having the "main" or "central" disease. Yes, it's downright frightening and there is no guarantee that you will or will not come down with any of the other diseases mentioned in the video; but, if there is a possibility, no matter how great or small, wouldnt you yourself want to know what you're up against so that you can educate yourself about it as well as have some type of treatment plans in place, just as a mere precaution? Prevention, that's what it's all about, plain and simple.

Graphic? Yes, extremely graphic, but only in one single regard - the issue of anal cancer. Sure, it's very mortifying to view that segment of the video but it's my impression that it was included in the video strictly to raise public awareness to one of the fairly remote possibilities that can indeed happen should you contract the Hiv virus. Do I think that kinda thing is appropriate for audiences of all ages to see? Hell no, I would make sure there is a "Parental Advisory" warning issued every single time that video is viewed by those under the age of 18. I've read more than several viewer's comments on the entire video, but especially that one particular segment of it and most reactions were folks being grossed out and stating how offensive it was to see that. Being offended is one thing, but if that one segment alone influences people to definitely slip on a condom rather than not doing so, exactly what is so damn offensive about that?

The general arguments against this video include not only the issues of stigmatization and using scare-tactics but also people - both Hiv'ers and non-Hiv'ers alike - are claiming stuff like "Well it's implying that Hiv+ people cant lead full, normal productive lives like everyone else" or "It can really scare people and really affect them in a very negative way, it robs them of their hope to live as normal a life as is possible considering the circumstances." In regards to all of that I think people need to get a hold of themselves and calm down. When you take a step or two back from this video, all it's really doing is attempting to give people a wake-up call to the possible realities of what can happen. Sure its frightening in certain regards and perhaps even ludicrous in other regards but you wanna know what I think the real problem is regarding all this? I think some, but not all, of those who so strongly object to the video do so because they want to continue to live in the denial that any reality outside of the glamourous Hiv/AIDS fundraising events and photos snapped with this-n-that self-acclaimed Hiv/AIDS guru is not what the Hiv/AIDS is all about. As a person who lost the love of his life from AIDS I can tell you that the real world of Hiv/AIDS is NOT about fancy fundraisers and publicity whores. It's exactly what has been depicted of it for the last 30 years via testimonials, movies, books, magazine articles, etc.,etc. It is about dealing with various illnesses and doing whatever you possibly have in your power to do to prevent yourself, if you even can at all, from going into full-blown AIDS. That is the factual harsh reality of it all and yeah, thinking or wondering about that can be downright dismal but damn, you pull yourself up by your bootstraps and you deal with it.

Anyone's best bet in life regarding the Hiv virus is this - don't get it. Avoid it with every ounce of common sense and strength that you have in yourself cause trust me, all it takes is that one single encounter and BAM! you're in trouble. If anyone from here on out does contract Hiv, even after viewing this video or any other videoes out there that are like it, then you do what you gotta do to survive - you take as best care of yourself as you possibly can, you make sure you have an excellent support system of medical professionals and loved ones around you and you fight the battle one day atta time, always always giving it your best shot each single day. 

Without intentionally sounding cruel or incurring any personal offense towards anyone out there, I actually have laughed at some of the comments made against this video, especially those made from some of my fellow Hiv'ers. Their attitude comes across as "Well, that's preposterous, we shouldnt have to look at that, we shouldnt even have to deal with that." I gotta little newsflash for all my fellow Hiv'ers out there, especially those of you in the under 45+ age range. With all the medical advancements of the last 30 years, especially regarding medications and/or medical research, dont worry your little heads, you probaly wont even have to deal with the majority of the medical bullshit that my generation had to deal with. It was my generation that didnt have even one-quarter of the drugs that y'all have now to treat Hiv and therefore knew what the phrase "getting sick" really meant. It was my generation that watched thousands after thousands drop dead like flies. It was my generation that always heard that damn perennial hospital room proclamation "I'm sorry, there's nothing more we can do for him..." Real fighting in the dreadful trenches of the Hiv/AIDS battlefield is usually about feeling so sick that you actually wonder if you'll ever eat normal again, or wondering if that ambulance you're currently riding in will be your last final trip to the hospital or not. Its not about figuring out what to wear to that next big fundraiser or pondering on who or who not to have one's photo taken with. I hate to break it to some of you guys & gals out there who still dont have a clue, but being Hiv+ is anything but convenient, trust me. I'm very worried about alotta the others who are fighting this disease in our current time period. Some of you gotta great head on your shoulders about battling the disease and living your lives as best as you possibly can (which everyone should be doing in the first place anyways) while others of you have alotta maturing to do regarding your situation. I'm not intending to intimidate or judge any of you, I'm just trying to give you the reality wake-up call that video obviously failed at providing some of you with. However, this piece is not about my personal attempts in getting through to people in order to influence them in making the right decisions about something that may very well save their lives. Only they themselves can do that. I just hope they can do so before it's too late.

Sean Strub did indeed write a beyond fantastic article regarding the video and even included some of the reactions of various folks in his piece. Though everyone is most certainly entitled to their opinion on both the video and the article, I'm extremely pleased that he mentioned activist and ACT-UP founder Larry Kramer's reaction/response to the video because I must admit, I do agree with Kramer's assessment of the video. Totally. Some of the younger Hiv'ers out there are too young to even know who Kramer is (y'all need to Google him sometime, an extremely extraordinary individual to say the least) but most folks do know of him because of his reputation for transforming things like anger and get-in-your-face public demonstrations into great milestone accomplishments regarding the rights of both the Hiv/AIDS and GLBT communities. True, Kramer does have a reputation for being one very hard-assed tough bastard when it comes to Hiv/AIDS activism but it's his very own personal brand of resilience that has set such a profound example of what scare or fear-tactics are capable of producing - results. Yes, when it comes to jumping onto any bandwagons for Larry Kramer out there, I will be one of the first people onboard but not just because I believe in his scare tactics, but because his tactics do work. Yes, I do indeed think that if it hadnt been for Larry Kramer, Hiv/AIDS activism wouldnt be where it is today but that's my personal opinion.

Sean Strub is definitely entitled to disagree with Larry Kramer's brand of activism and though I do agree with both Strub's viewpoint on tactics as well as Larry Kramer's viewpoint, I still tend to lean more towards identifying with Larry Kramer's tactics and not just because they are effective but for yet another reason - personal history, personal experiences. I dont know how else to describe it but when ACT-UP was formed decades ago, it gave alot of us who were either Hiv- or newly infected at the time of its inception a tremendous sense of empowerment and a great fostering of hope. When it came to the Hiv/AIDS battlefront that organization sent out the message "We are fucken sick-n-tired of this horrible situation and we want some action on it NOW, not today, not tomorrow, not next month or next year but NOW!!" For those of you who werent even alive at that time, the feeling that gave to all of us who didnt think we had any other options but to go curl up somewhere with our infected partners and die, was totally life-altering. We found a champion, someone to look up to in a dire time of great need and even if he didn't have all the answers, he and his group busted their asses day-n-night to help find the answers. True, change is progress and there have been alotta good changes on the Hiv/AIDS activism front since the old days but one thing that hasnt changed is Larry Kramer's tireless devotion to making a change for the better in the lives of others. I dont mean to sound like I am endorsing him for some political office but I simply dont agree with the fashionable attitude that some people, perhaps even Sean Strub to a degree (I dont know him personally so I cannot say) have towards Larry Kramer's overly-aggressive temperament, as the press use to describe him back in the day. All of you out there please keep in mind that it was Larry Kramer's occassionally explosive temper and ferocious attitude that played a major role in helping alotta us Hiv'ers in the old days and in alotta cases, to this very day.

In addition to viewing the video several times now, I have actually reread the article that Sean Strub wrote about 4 times now and each time I read it I do find it more and more brilliant - I mean that, sincerely. In fact, I may continue to repost his article from time-to-time from here on out because he has indeed presented a realistic, viable approach on how we all can better improve certain tactics regarding Hiv/AIDS education and prevention. But by the same token I hope that he and the rest of the world realize that just because Larry Kramer's tactics are different from his it doesnt mean they are any less effective, it just means that there is more than one way to handle the situations at hand, that's all. Sean Strub is a pretty smart cookie to begin with so I think he already knows that but either way, I do have (and always will) a great deal of both respect and reverence for his keen awareness of the full picture on this subject as well as many others.

Regardless if NYC's "It's Never Just Hiv" latest video is pulled from public viewing or not, and whether or not anyone was offended by it or approved of it is not the issue. It obviously was a forthright attempt to promote Hiv prevention and as controversial as it was at least it is a clear demonstration that what is needed are even more effective Hiv-prevention campagins not just in the NYC area but both nationwide and worldwide. Exchanging ideas, kicking around new concepts, that's where some of the greatest new approaches come from and as long as we reach out and connect with each other in pursuing that goal, I do think there will be some new inroads on the horizon on this front. August, 2011 will mark my 22nd year of being Hiv+ and although I for one can truthfully attest that we definitely have come a long way since the early/mid 1980's when it comes to finding new ways of getting the extremely crucial message of Hiv prevention out there in the world, we still have much more work to do; but,I have alotta faith that we will succeed. After all, it's like I'm always telling people, if you got hope and a good attitude there really isnt much that you cant accomplish. Thank you for reading.

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo