Some of My Personal Thoughts on Relationships - Sunday, August 30, 2015

The subject of interpersonal relationships is notta new subject for me to broach in this blog. As a matter of fact, I've previously written on the subject several times in this blog. But, now that everyone out there can see the real me, the man behind this name, in a way it changes everything because I no longer have to wonder "Well, golly-gee-whillickers Batman, what will they think of the real me??" With that being the case, here are my thoughts on the subject of "meeting" and getting to know someone online, and seeing where (if at all) things may go....

The issue of pictures/photographs. Hey, I think that's a great idea, letting others see the real person they are typing to, makes perfect sense to me. BUT, here's where I personally have a problem with that - aside from the photo posted on my real account, which the only difference between the way I look in it then and now is that I've lost about 17 to 20 lbs since that photo was taken, there won't be any new pics of me anytime soon and here is why - because I was forced outta the closet as an Hiv'er by Facebook itself and since I had no choice in that matter, I'll be damned if I'm gonna surrender anymore choicemaking decisions in the near future. I'm still dealing mentally with all of this and the last thing I wanna do at this particular point in time is say "Hey everybody!!! Look at me!!! 5 to 7 new photos of the artist formerly known as HivSpice, all for your viewing pleasure!!!" Point blank, I don't think so motherfucker. However, when I'm ready to post new pics of myself online, trust me, y'all will be the first to know, okay?

Speaking of selfies and what-not, that is something that I've noticed moreso now than ever before when it comes to being online - people are STILL fairly obsessed with what other people look like. And that just blows my mind, it really does. You would think that in the age of Hiv/AIDS which we're currently still living in, people would FINALLY realize that yes, physical looks may play a role in how 2 individuals relate/connect with each other BUT THAT should be a very minor part of any relationship, it's a person's personality and strength of character that should be the crowning prizes of the overall individual. But, it just ain't so. And that's okay, but let's get something straight right away with anyone who may consider approaching me for an interpersonal relationship....

....I am NOT a gym clone, I'm extremely lucky to be alive(!)...I'm not in my 20's, they are far behind me...I am NOT a trophy husband, those days ended way back in the late 1980's for me, kids...what I am is justa nice, decent, average-looking, honest, hardworking individual who happens to be gay, who happens to be a 26 year survivor of being Hiv+, and who would LOVE to find that special someone, especially since 50 looms closer and closer with each passing day! lol...seriously though, there is nothing fancy or extravagant about me, I'm probaly the most simplest (and perhaps even dull in some cases, I suppose)and down-to-earth person you will ever wanna meet. And that about sums it up. So if you not interested or can't handle what I am, then please, by all means, you know where the curb is. I don't need anymore bullshit in my life than I am already contending with and I'd almost bet my bottom dollar that you don't either.

What do I want most from that future special person in my life? It's rather simple and just like me - be real. All I want is a real person. Don't think of ways to try and impress me because quite frankly, my ability to be impressed by anyone out there died a long, long time ago. Just be yourself, keep it real, be honest and all that other good stuff and chances are that those things will make more of an impression on me than anything else.

I mentioned in my previous blog entry that there hasn't been any majorly negative fallout from me revealing - more like being coerced - my real identity; but, there's something that no one has bothered to take into consideration regarding me and I think this needs to be addressed right away - IF any of the media demons from my past stumble across me from here on out and attempt to make contact and/or start "shit" with me, you better make certain that THAT kinda scenario isn't gonna make you flip out and run away. I've dealt with them in the past and already know how to deal with those characters (actually, the more proper word would be "bastards" no lie), but if you're not sure, then you gotta speak up and keep your cards up on the table, where they should be anyways, know what I mean Sparky? I'm not saying any of this is gonna happen BUT I've been around long enough as well as been through enough things in my life to know that rather than be positive, negative, or whatever, it's best to be prepared, just in case. So please take this cautionary stance as just part of a mere reality check should you and I find ourselves bonding with each other.

No, this post is NOT directed towards any individual in particular, it's simply my stance on this whole relationship business since people can now see the real person behind HivSpice and that really is basically about it. I guess maybe we could even call this little essay a disclaimer in regards to my stance on interpersonal relationships, but hell, even I don't need to be that dramatic. I am who I am and hopefully you will like me and get to know me better; but, if for some reason you choose not to, oh well, que sera sera, because when it really boils down to it, I plan to keep on keeping on either way. And you should too. Thank you everyone for taking the time to read this.

Justa Few Reflections - Saturday, August 29th, 2015

It's been a little over 2 months since I've written in this blog and this past week I've had so many thoughts running through my mind that I felt compelled to write today so that I can get them all down in black-n-white so to say. In other words, even though I don't need the "writing bug" to bite me square in the ass to get me to writing, it actually did this time!

This probaly goes without saying for most of you who are still keeping up with me, BUT....I still haven't gotten my HivSpice account reinstated at Facebook and yes, I realize that most folks woulda given up by now when it comes to making that a reality but I refuse to do so. I'm not going to give up, not ever, because as much as HivSpice and the real me are indeed the same exact person that we've always been, I still feel like one of my arms has been cut off and that STILL rubs my rhubarb the wrong way. There is one more process I need to attempt and as soon as I do, whatever the outcome, I will definitely share it with you.

Over the years, I've always been extremely worried about what revealing my real identity could do to the rest of my life and as it stands right now, as to this day, none of those worries have become reality - thank God. My two foremost concerns were if anyone at either of my workplaces would find out that I'm an Hiv'er and how that would affect both my positions and my 2nd concern was if anyone from my past, most notably the years I was with my partner Jack, would appear from outta nowhere and attempt to cause great havoc in my life. On the 1st concern, nothing - and I emphatically say that with great relief! - has happened and I hope it stays that way. True, true, Boston is an extremely liberal place to be but be that as it may, shit still happens here, laws or no laws regarding us Hiv'ers. An employer can state to you "No problem, no problem at all" and then before you know it you can end up on the unemployment line because you didn't wipe your ass the right way in the employee restroom. I've seen it happen to many times to too many people in the years since I have lived in this great city.

The 2nd concern has not "yet" happened and I pray it doesn't; BUT, if it does, well then, God help anyone who tries stirring up this hornet's nest known as HivSpice. I've come too far and survived too many things over the years to allow myself to be kicked down and shit on by anyone. The only thing that has happened but yet is so distant from what I went thru with Jack that I can't technically quality it as a ghost-from-the-past is that 2 of the people on my current Friends List at my real account are actually friends (online, yes, in-person, I dunno)with one of my old foes from the old days in California. Yes, I will admit, it does make me feel uneasy and it does make the hair on my back raise up a few inches; but, right now, with all that is going on in my life, I just don't have time to worry about that. And for what it's worth, the one person is a Sister of Perpetual Indulgence and she probaly has so many damn friend requests flying at her that she may not even realize who she's friends with. The other is one of my most trusted and true friends of all time and I WILL be discussing the matter with her as soon as we we have the opportunity to meet in person - uh huh, for sure.

Oh damn, I just realized something as I'm writing this...I've always been longwinded when it comes to my paragraphs but it's actually part of my writing style, believe it or not; but, I just realized that when this blog was written from the old Posterous.com website, it evened out the paragraphs rather nicely, whereas here at blogspot.com it actually makes them look like they never will stop! Oh well, y'all are just gonna have to bear with me until I get the blog going via WordPress.com - and hey, thanks for your patience with ALL of that.

Ah, the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, which I just mentioned 2 paragraphs ago. I just wanna say a few things about them. I think they are simply one very fucking amazing group of individuals, their stances on the numerous LGBT and Hiv/AIDS issues out there, their commitment to various fundraisers towards helping others, etc., I could just go on and on with the accolades that I have for each and every one of them for they truly are some of the most profound, most creative and most unique individuals I have ever had the good fortune of running across online. They really are. In fact, some folks have wondered why I have sucha great proliferation of them on my Friends List at my real account and all I can say to that is this - because there are SO MANY of them, I truly don't know how to keep up with them all at once! I'm very honored to be on their Friends list as well and I do look forward to keeping up with their happenings as much as possible; amazing, that's the best word to describe them.

Because of the fact that I have not written regularly in this blog in a few years and also because the HivSpice FB account is currently shut-down (temporarily I still say) there is a whole array of new readers, new friends, etc., who have no fucken clue as to who or what HivSpice is. Rather than rewrite from my much earlier postings in this blog, I'd like to try to give a summarized synopsis of what I am all about. Trying to make a long, long story short has always been a major pain-in-the-ass for me, but here goes...this name was created in the mid 1990's as a stable, committed voice in the battle against Hiv/AIDS, someone who has, and always will, stand up and fight for the little guys in life, not just on the Hiv/AIDS fronts but as the years have rolled by, on many other fronts too. We all matter, we all count, and we all need to be heard. The name, on a more personal level, was created as a memorial to my deceased partner Jack, who died of AIDS back in 1989 (I was diagnosed 3 months before he died). He always told me "Don't ever give up, keep on fighting and whatever you do, make your voice known, make them listen if you can." Am I famous for anything? No, but my Jack was - he was one of the bevy of trial lawyers who made sure that Dan White ended up in jail - yes, that Dan White. And now you know why I've kept anonymous all these years behind the name HivSpice - to protect both Jack and myself. There's so much more to say about all of this, but the synopsis is over. If you wanna know more, just travel back to my previous blog postings and/or ask me personally. Thank you.

In closing, has any good come of the HivSpice name currently being stuck in internet-limbo? Probaly just one thing and I suppose it could be considered minor to some out there - all the years I had the HivSpice account, I could NEVER turn on my FB chatbox and just visit with friends in a very relaxing, nonchalant way - the second I'd turn that damn thing on "BOOOOMMMMM!!!" an instant 35 to 55 conversations would begin, horrendous to say the least(!!), even as much as I love talking with people. Now, even with all the newer friends on my real FB account, I get maybe 2 to 5 requests to chat per night, even if that. It's different, I'll say that much for it, it's probaly that damn circle-of-life bullshit that everyone is referencing these days....lol. Anywho, I'm gonna close for now and I intend to write another piece before the end of the weekend, time-allowing. Take care everyone and as always, thank you for reading.