Nuts - Tuesday, October 26, 2010

No, this isnt gonna be a piece about nicknames I have for Republicans nor an admonishment about that particular part of the human body that most of us gay men out there do sincerely and wholehearedly appreciate. This is gonna be about nuts, the food, and why even though they are high in protein and one of the best nutritional foods out there, they can equally be one of the most dangerous foods for many of us. Anyone who has ever had any form or degree of diverticulitis and/or colitis and has gone to even a halfway decent gastroenterologist knows quite well that at the top of the "Dont Eat!" lists, nuts of any kind, followed by peanuts, popcorn and any foods with seeds in them,(such as strawberries, kiwis, sesame seeds, poppy seeds, etc.) are the natural enemies of those of us who are plagued with either of the aforementioned medical conditions. I know firsthand about this because in July, 2009 I ended up in the hospital for a little over a week due to diverticulitis and let me tell you, it was notta fun experience by any means. Luckily I did not have to have surgery but I hope to never ever have to go through that pain again because the thought of it getting worse, with the risk of having to have a colostemy bag, scares the living bejesus outta me! So, I control the problem with proper eating precautions and so far so good.

Believe me, if someone woulda told me years ago that someday I'd never be able to grab a handful of mixed nuts or eatta a third of a bag of Betty Crocker's Extra Butter Pop Secret popcorn, I woulda told them they were nuts (no pun intended!) but for the safety of my health I am very pleased with myself that I did indeed give up those things, as well as many others. Yes, it was a very difficult and unnerving process, to have to constantly monitor every single thing that goes into your mouth but it's well-worth it. I realize that there are many medical condiotions which dictate whether or not a person needs to have a colostomy bag. I also realize that you gotta do what you gotta do to survive and millions of people live perfectly normal, healthy lives with them. However, with all the health issues I have that is the last thing I need in my life, so I choose to do my best to prevent it from ever happening. Just because a person has a bout with diverticulitis or colitis does not mean they eventually will have to ever consider the colostomy bag route but in some cases it does and I'm gonna do my damnest to prevent that from ever becoming a reality with myself. The best advice I can give anyone in regards to this is to follow your gastroenterologist's orders and suggestions down to a T and never ever hesitate to ask questions.

What I went through in July, 2009 was a terrible case of diverticulitis but probaly no different from what a lotta people have experienced with the same exact condition. I woke up one morning and was doubling over in pain, so much pain in my abdomenal area that I could barely walk. Luckily, a co-worker and I were suppose to go swimming at the sportsclub where she hadda membership to that morning and when she arrived I told her "Look, I think I need to go to the hospital." So, she helped me get into her car and away we went to the ER. Once I got there and they diagnosed me they told me "We're gonna have to admit you, we think there may be some internal bleeding in that area" to which I responded by looking up at the ceiling and saying "It's always something, isnt it?" They did an emergency colonoscopy shortly after admitting me and for the next 8 days I was laid-up in the hospital and wondering to myself "What if the two tears they found get worse??" For my first time dealing with that condition I found out via a few of the nurses on my floor that I had every right to be concerned. For what its worth usually if they find any tears in your bowel system they usually seuter them right up with one of those laser things but thank goodness mine didnt get that bad. After getting out of the hosptial all I had to do is something I still do - go to my gasteroenterologist for 6-month check-ups. Just as is the case with my post-cancer follow-ups, those 6-month checkups are essential for continued good care as well as prevention of future episodes.

So if what happened to me ever happens to any of you, don't panic, just be aggressive with your treatment and prevention options and you will be just fine. I always tell folks, if I can live through that kinda bullshit, anyone can. That diverticulitis episode really scared the shit outta me (no pun intended!). I kept thinking to myself, "How the hell am I gonna eat anything, how am I gonna live normally??" Like I said, it can be done. I'll give you a few ideas how.

Peanut Butter or whichever Nut Butter you'd like to try. If you love peanuts or nuts of any kind, you may just find yourself falling in love with these versions of them. Naturally, you'll want to go with the creamy version of either of these butters. If you dont like Peanut Butter, then try out the Nut Butter version of your favorite nuts. Yes, Nut Butters - and even some Peanut Butters for that matter - can be very costly, so here's what you do - that is, if you are as serious about this as I am. When you go to your local grocery store, ask one of the folks who work there if they give samples of any of the Nut Butters. If they dont, then ask them to give you a call when they know they are gonna have free samples available. Organic food stores such as Whole Foods, Wild Oats and Trader Joe's are really good at allowing you to sample certain products before purchasing them, so go with that option whenever you can.

Popcorn. Forget it, just forget it - unless you love eating the non-kernal part of it; otherwise, you're better off to just avoid it. Anyone who loves popcorn knows that there simply isnt any substitute for its flavor and it's true, there really isnt, I've looked!

I've already discussed nuts BUT avoiding them in everything we eat is a real pisser at times. Healthy salads - watch out for nuts in them. Cookies, brownies, certain cakes (all of which should be eaten in moderation or not at all, if you ask me) of all kinds have nuts in them but when it doubt just ask. All nuts are to be avoided but the ones I was told were the most dangerous are Walnuts and Pecans because whether in whole or chopped up form, they literally have the most potential to create tears in your bowel and intestinal walls. The nuts I miss the most? Pecans - my favorite nut of all. And Pistachioes, not the messy, nasty red ones but the all-natural, lightly salted ones. Oh I miss those terribly. Give me a cup or so of those and a Coke and I was in Heaven!

Seeds. Now some seeds are so damn tiny that they really dont cause a problem while others that are larger than a poppy-seed can sometimes be softer than other seeds. As an example, anytime you eatta sandwich, avoid the sesame and poppyseed breads and/or buns. Tomato seeds are the same size as Strawberry seeds but unlike those seeds, Tomato seeds are softer and will not harm you. Though fast-food is bad for all of us, period, you'd be surprised how much you wont eat at those places since 99 times outta 100 its impossible to avoid sesame seeds when dining out anywhere. And if you cant, yeah, do what I do, scrape as many of the little bastards off as you can! Also, seeds not only can cause tiny tears in the bowl/intestinal walls but they also have the potential to get stuck there and actually ferment - gross, I know - which in turn can cause both minor and major infections. When it doubt, like I said, always check with your specialist to be on the safe side.

Have I fallen off the nut-free bandwagon at all the past year or so? Oh yes, of course, but very rarely and very unintentionally. But, like with any goal, you dont give up and go back to your former ways, you get back on the saddle again. Since July, 2009, I have failed 3 times. First was when my Gram sent me her famous chocolate-walnut brownies, oh whatta religious experience those were! Like an oinker, just as I was about to inhale my 2nd one, it hit me "Oh fuck! Walnuts!! Rutrow!" So I gave the rest to the kids who live 2 doors down from me - easily solved. The second time almost made me cry - literally. I had ordered a take-out Thanksgiving dinner at one of the local eateries down the street from where I work and when I got home and opened it up, they gave me Pecan Pie instead of Pumkin Pie. Now I love both kinds of pie but Pecan Pie has always been my personal favorite - always. But, again, I wrapped it up and gave it to a neighbor lady. I wanted that pie so damn bad but I look at it this way - diabetics can still eat sweets BUT of all the forbidden ones, Pecan Pie is the most forbidden of them all because it is literally pure sugar all the way. The third and most recent time I failed was in April of this year when one of my cousins, who was on a business trip to the LA area sent me some pecan-flavored nougat candies from See's Candies. They were flavored and delicious BUT they also contained some actual nutmeats in them, so the neighborhood children got lucky again! Oh well, even for those of us who cant enjoy certain foods anymore, why deny others the choice to enjoy them, ya know?

So there's my take on nuts and why it can be extremely unhealthy to eat them. Last night on one of the nightly newsshows that was on in the lobby of my 2nd job, one of the experts said "Eat almonds, they are extremely high in protein and soooooo good for you!" Naturally I mumbled to myself "Yeah, I'm sure they are Sparkarella, but not if those sweet slivered almonds act like machetes in your intestinal system! No thanks!" Oh and I miss those too, those different seasoned almonds by Blue Diamond, so righteous! But I'm better-off simply avoiding them. And, should you be in the same shoes as me, you would be too. I love and miss the taste of many kinds of nuts, and yes, they are extremely nutritous but in many cases the damn things are just not fit for human consumption. As for those of you who can eat them, I'm jealous, yet wise, very wise about what they're capable of doing. Wishing you all great health. Thank you for reading.

 

 

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Dear Florine Mark, What The Hell Is Wrong With You? - Tuesday, October 26, 2010

While on my supper-break here at my 2nd job, I gotta phonecall from my Gram in Michigan and you will never believe who the hell is supporting Republican mayoral candidate Rick Snyder; actually, you will, just look at my title. Granted, look at any internet bio on this extraordinary woman (and I do mean that sincerely, really) and you will find that Florine Mark herself is heavily involved with several or more business and banking associations in the state of Michigan. Hey, I'm extremely proud of her for all the wonderful work she has done in getting America, as well as the rest of the world, to eat healthier and take better care of ourselves, a million or more kudos to her for that extraordinary feat. However, be that as it may, it's quite evident that she's also a staunch Republican who fully endorses Mr. Snyder. Hey, this is America, that's her choice; but, how anyone could support someone who could be instrumental in causing that states economic development to become severely impaired is well beyond my scope of human logic and reasoning as well as mere common sense.

Let's take this one step further. You do realize Miss Mark that as successful and effective as your beloved Weight Watchers organization is in giving people the necessary tools and support to turn their nutritional habits & health around for the better, that it is the American Heart Association that gives your company it's stamp of approval, not the other way around, correct? Do you also realize that any members of your nationwide chapters could very easily go to their local Barnes & Noble or Borders bookstores, pick up a copy of the American Heart Association's cookbook, read it from stem-to-stern, starting eating by the guidelines of that cookbook and end up with the same end results that your beloved Weight Watches promises, right? I dont care much money you have - well, actually I do, because we all know that's exactly why you are endorsing Mr. Snyder in the first place - or how much influence you think you have over the American public, your choice for Michigan governor will very likely lead to even more unemployment for the people of the state of Michigan. Therefore, isn't it a safe bet for the rest of us who know and realize this that like Mr. Snyder, you care more about yourself than the general public, more than all the people in Michigan who can't even afford to put food on their tables? Every single day both you and the numerous representatives of your company preach about how people need to eat healthier but I ask you, what if people cant afford the healthy food that your company recommends they eat, what happens then Miss Mark?

Since we are talking about food and nutrition here, I must say, this really rubs my rhubarb the wrong way. Do you realize that if your little buddy Mr. Snyder does indeed get elected to office that when - NOT IF - he impedes any of Michigan's industries from flourishing, the very same industries that do indeed help the residents of Michigan put food on their tables for themselves and their children, how the hell do you think that's gonna make you look Miss Mark? Where is your sense of devotion to the millions of people who supported you in your early years? Do you want people to start classifying you as the Leona Helmsley of the Nutrional and/or Dietary worlds?  If Mr. Snyder wins this election and does indeed bring about the demise of Michigan's successful industries, most notably it's automotive industry, which by the way would therefore raise Michigan's skyrocketing unemployment rates even higher through the roof, there are not only gonna be a lotta people pissed off at him, but guess who else is gonna be on the receiving end of that resentment? You guessed right, Sister. Keep in mind that the heart of the American automotive industry is right there in Detroit. I'm curious Miss Mark, what are all your chapter representatives gonna say to those members who lose their jobs and can no longer afford their membership dues, let alone healthier food, for themselves and their families? Will your company insure those members that they won't lose their benefits or do you have a fail-safe plan that the rest of us arent aware of yet?

Miss Mark, as an individual, as a human being,  and as a great woman, you have accomplished so damn much with your life, as well as with your contributions towards the better health of millions of people everywhere. You truly are one of those individuals who has literally changed the world for so many. However, what's going on in Michigan right now isn't about one's personal accomplishments, it's about the people and doing what needs to be done to improve as well as preserve their quality of life. This all goes hand in hand. Without jobs, people cannot purchase food, let alone healthy food, but guess what also happens? They can't afford to join their local Weight Watchers chapter, purchase the cookbook and eat & live healthier lives because in order to do that they need jobs, good jobs, secure jobs, jobs that help people try to survive in the state of Michigan. I mean, would it be really asking too much from you to take a step back from all of this and accept the realization that you've hadda grand life, your financial woes are all a thing of the past and that maybe, just maybe, you should consider making political choices that will benefit other people's lives, versus negating them? Not everyone in that state can accomplish or do what you did with your life and for those who arent as fortunate as yourself, dont you think they deserve an even break too? My dear woman, where is your sense of human compassion? And dont give me this song-n-dance routine that no one gave you any heart or compassion on your climb up the ladder either. Or perhaps this should be the real question - when the hell did you stop caring about the little guy out there?

We dont know each other personally  Miss Mark but there's something I wanna tell you about myself. One of my biggest pet peeves about life on this planet is this - when innocent people get harmed or taken advantage of, it really really bothers me. I realize that's my issue to deal with, not yours; however, for someone who has brought so much good into this world as you most certainly have, it just amazes the hell out of me that you would just stand there and support someone who doesn't really give a rat's ass about the little guy. After all, as long as Mr. Snyder's future financial security is insured, that's all that matters to him; but why would you, of all people, even think of alligning herself with something like that? Quite frankly, I'm notta giant fan of the state of Michigan myself, but even with being all the way over here in Boston, I still care more about the little guys & gals of Michigan more than people like Mr. Snyder do, and judging from your endorsement of him, obviously more than you do too. It's pretty rough out here in the real world Miss Mark and I think that if Mr. Snyder and yourself could even conceive what those words actually mean, I think you both would look at things in a more truer light.

I may not be wealthy, nor well-established like you and Mr. Snyder are Miss Mark, I may not even be able to change the world for the better like you have either, but like those little guys & gals in Michigan, I dont plan on giving up on attempting to do so anytime soon. Your health may be better than mine, you may even have more years left on your life than I do on mine, but I will be damned to hell if I'm gonna stand by quietly and keep my mouth shut while people like Mr. Snyder, and people like you who support him, make life even more harder on the little guys & gals of the world, whether in Michigan or elsewhere. Your money may supply the greed and contempt that allows Mr. Snyder's little political machine to run so smoothly but there's one thing that that money of yours cant buy - respect. Obviously that doesnt mean as much to you as it once did. How sad that is. 

If Mr. Snyder does indeed win this election and the same sinister methods that he used to destroy Gateway Computers, Inc. are used to impede the various industries now flourishing in the state of Michigan, and therefore make things worse for the people of Michigan, I have decided that I'm gonna come out publicly against you and your beloved little Weight Watchers world Miss Mark, not once, not twice, but every chance I get because there's something the folks over at the American Heart Association and I know about this world that you and Mr. Snyder obviously don't know - it's about all of us, not justa select few. 

Yet one more thing before I close this letter to you Miss Mark. Did you know that Mr. Snyder's current company, Discera, has one of the most successful training and employee placement programs ever created within a company? It's true, no lie. Oh, but have I failed to mention that that part of his company is located over in China, and is training only Chinese employees?  Yep, Mr. Snyder's business ethics sure would do a helluva lotta good in creating jobs in Michigan, wouldn't they? I don't care if its on the Weight Watchers plan or not, please wake up and smell the coffee Miss Mark, for pete's sake. 

To the voters of the state of Michigan, and to voters everywhere, remember, vote this coming Tuesday, November 2nd. By voting you can make a difference, not just for yourself, but for everyone. So get out and vote! Thank you for reading.

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

A Few More Notes on GLBTQ Youth Suicides & My True Identity - Friday, October 22, 2010

I contemplated writing this piece for a good 20 minutes or so before sitting down to do so because I'll be honing in on a coupla different subject areas, granted that Posterous does indeed autopost this for me correctly, which it most certainly has not done the last two times I have written. Oh well, life is all about taking chances so whatcha gonna do, ya know? Both subjects have one central theme in common, at least from my standpoint. They are both connected with the absurdity of human nature, one in both the humorous and tragic sense, the other in just the latter sense. When it comes to our life experiences in general, I think when you can sit back and find the humor in anything it's a pretty safe bet that you have your act together much more than you think, much more than those around you assume. However, there is nothing humorous to be found in something as needless and wasteful as suicide.

The current continous string of GLBTQ youth suicides that have been taking place across our great nation have upset me very very much. Millions of us out there are deeply horrified by the sadness and tragedy of these terrible events. Out of my own frustration and anger regarding the matter, I kept asking myself last night "Isnt there something we can do, aside from raising public awareness about this problem, as well as trying to work with our local school districts to make sure that no GLBTQ youths are falling through the cracks of the system??" I couldn't answer that question for myself, let alone anyone else, even after personally messaging or chatting with a few of my closest online friends. Face it, the majority of us are stumped on this one. But then I thought more and more about it and what, if anything, could I personally do to make a difference. An idea popped into my head, albeit an idea that I dont think will go much beyond the thought process but I can always keep it on the backburner should I deem it necessary to do so.

Our personal identities can be as simple or as complex as a boat sailing on the water or an overly-intense algebraic textbook question. For myself, although I am one single person, I have 2 identities, one of them being a mere extension of my full self. On one hand, I'm the average, mild-mannered Hiv+ gay guy busting my ass at work, trying to make ends meet and trying to enjoy life when I have the time to do so, like so many others out there are doing as well. On the other hand, I'm also HivSpice, a nice little Hiv'er who does his best to educate the public regarding issues that concern the Hiv+/AIDS world, as well as promoting public awareness on a host of other issues that directly affect the overall GLBTQ community. Trust me, I've thought intensely about both of my identities a lot this past month, especially on how as HivSpice I have not only made a positive difference (no pun intended) in the lives of others, but I'm reaching an audience that I never could as the whole me. Unlike a lot of the other Hiv/AIDS activists out there, although I'm not competing in any popularity polls like the majority of them are, damn, even my writing is getting more exposure than it ever has before. Don't get me wrong, I did not create HivSpice to be self-serving in any way but I must call a spade a spade here guys & gals - if I were to take and set aside all that is HivSpice and substitute him with my real identity, why I'd be addressing an elusive audience of humming crickets! It's true guys, I can do so much more as HivSpice than I can as the real me. Is that sad, perhaps even pathetic? Hell no, not when it comes to helping others. When it comes to that, you do what you gotta go cause as I always say, that's what it's all about Baby.

So last night I seriously considered taking this all one step further. What if I were to take my real identity and stand up as an advocate for the rights, safety and welfare of our GLBTQ youth? I mean, let's face it guys, no matter what I write as HivSpice and no matter how much I could extend my heart of friendship and compassion towards our youth, even if any of those youths were to read what I have written thus far on the suicide issue, do any of you honestly think any parent is gonna allow their children to confide in a person with an anonymous identity? Let's take it one step further - would YOU, if you were a parent, feel comfortable in allowing your children to speak to a perfect stranger without a face? No, and guess what? Me either, it'd send up a red flag for me too. It shouldnt matter if your children are gay or not, they should be your most important life treasures, regardless of who is attempting to help them. I thought about it some more. If I were to take and seperate Spice and the real me, and use the real side of myself to make a difference in the lives of these kids, I think it would work, I think it'd be worth a try. Spice can tackle the Hiv/AIDS issues, naturally as it should be, but the whole me would focus mainly on the GLBTQ youth issues. Plus, when it came to general issues, both Spice and the whole me could promote even more awareness because as we all know, two heads are better than one, so to speak.

But there's one major kicker in the above scenario. I dont think I could handle it - and I'll tell you why. Quite frankly, between working the long days-n-nights that I do and then shifting gears into HivSpice mode the second I get online at night, I can barely keep up as it is. There is no way in hell I could juggle this all - how on earth would I find time, moreso, when would there be time? I've already faced the reality of it all - I'm burning the candle from both ends as it is right now and there are some nights when I literally do fall asleep in front of this computer. Now I know some folks have personally told me how ridiculous that is and that I need to take better care of myself, but I do take good care of myself it's just that I work so much that I truly dont get the chance to make as much of a difference as I could if I had a more normal work schedule that would allow me to have a more normal life. Again, I'm not complaining, just merely telling it like it is. The solution? My goal in the not-too-distant future is to devote fair amounts of time to all my priorities but for right now, this is as good as it gets.

In all honesty, I do find myself chuckling somewhat about this identity business. As most of you know, I love to joke around and flirt with others online, I think we all do, though I'm more open and honest about it than your average internet junkie. In addition, I do live by the concept that if you are real and are gonna be part of my life, you need to be proud to be yourself, whether you are joking around or being deadpan serious. But there's one more component to this concept that many arent aware of. When people are that way with me, I in turn wanna give them the same respect. For all those people I associate with online, there are more than several of them that I'd love to be the whole me with. I'm serious, I feel extremely comfortable with many of you out there and there are some of you that I do trust to the point where I would feel comfortable with revealing my real identity with you on a one-on-one basis. So over the last 3 or 4 months, I've bolstered up my courage and experimented a little bit. I've actually sent out Friend Requests on Facebook under my true identity to about a dozen or so people but get this - no one has ever responded back! No shit. Maybe the following example will give you a more concrete realization of what I'm talking about.

I have - okay, technically speaking, HivSpice has - a very very dear friend who is a blast to chum around with when we're both online at the same exact time. Our work schedules are opposite of each others so whenever we get the chance to talk and bullshit online, we jump right in. But here's the kicker - in the last 2 months I have sent him a total of 4 Friend Requests via my real identity, even with a "personal note" such as "Hi, I'm a friend of Spice's, wanna be friends?" and not once - NOT ONCE - has he responded back!! And I keep wanting to yell out "Hello!?! HELLOOOOOO!?!?!?!" It simply blows my mind! You see, he's one of those several or more people who constantly say to me "When are you gonna have a pic online?? When do I get to see the real you???" But, he's not the only one - there are about 10 or more of you whom I speak with on quite a regular basis and when I have sent you a Friend Request from the real me, not one - NOT ONE - of you has ever responded back! No shit. I keep thinking "Well maybe it's me" but I dont think so. Without just coming out and saying who I am directly, I've been so honest with each and every one of you about my person, I've told you all the full truth about myself, perhaps even to broken record-like status. I'm a very simple, plain-looking person in real life, I blend into any crowd without anyone giving me a second glance, and it simply doesnt get anymore uncomplicated than that. 

This all makes me wonder, for those of you who are not yet my close personal friends, what is it that y'all expect to see in me should you see what the real me looks like? Someone with a gym-clone body and ravishing movie-star-like physical qualities? Sorry guys, that aint ever gonna happen. If that is indeed what any of you are thinking, I dont think any of you could ever view me that way, unless of course, you were to do so after downing a fifth of Jack Daniels or Wild Turkey and a bong or two of the good stuff! Granted, I'm notta mutt or an ogre by any means, I still do turn a head here-n-there; but, if anyone is expecting to view a gay Adonis-like creatue with drop-dead gorgeous looks and a rippling, glistening six-pack on his chest, damn, that's simply not realistic.

So unless something really majorly drastic happens to me in the next month or so, I have made the conscious decision to keep HivSpice and the whole me seperate - permanently. For one of the very first times in my life, people are actually listening to me, they are taking notice of my actions and they are eager to listen to what I have to say; and, the cherry on top of the ice cream sundae? They are doing so because of me. Not because of anyone else, not because of Jack and his accomplishments, not because of the Mystery Man and his current noteriety; but, simply, totally, and undeniably because of me. I may have reached my personal goal via an anonymous identity but I did it all on my own and no one can ever ever take that away from me. It wasnt my true intention to "come into my own" this way, but I'm extremely thankful that it happened this way because otherwise I would've never become acquainted with all the wonderful indivivduals I have met along the way as well as have been fortunate enough to call my true friends.

The real me is out there on the internet, alive and well, but I have come to the realization that maybe, just maybe, people for the most part finally do consider my true identity a non-issue. I'm not trying to toy with any of you, mess with your minds or to even draw attention to myself, but there are many of you who have had the opportunity to view what I the whole and complete person behind HivSpice looks like and I sincerely believe that if it was sucha huge issue, I woulda heard about it from you all by now. In a way I'm glad I havent because to me it means that everyone is finally comprehending the full picture about HivSpice - his ultimate purpose is what it's been since day one- making a good difference in the lives of others. Thank you for reading.

 

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

The Night We Met - Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I actually feel kinda awkward writing about the night Jack and I first met, especially since today is Spirit Day and all focus should be on the safety and welfare of all GLBTQ youth everywhere; however, by the same token, I have written on that subject previously and have been posting continuously on it for the last few weeks, as the majority of us have. Early this morning when I first got into work I commented on how extremely proud I am of each and every one of us for joining forces and unifying together for this extremely important cause. Be that is it may, a promise is a promise and I am not going to let my Jack down. Hopefully, perhaps somehow in some small way any GLBTQ youth out there who may stumble across this piece will gleam some degree of positive reinforcement from it, as well as an affirmation that gay people can and do indeed lead very normal, happy, meaningful lives.

In the summer of 1984, after my first coupla semesters in college, my Aunt and Uncle who were living in the Santa Barbara, California area invited me to come visit them during my summer break that year. Oh I was excited beyond belief because I had always dreamed of visitiing California someday and wanted to check out all the places and things that I use to read about in The Advocate magazine. After all, back in those days the majority of the major cities in California were considered the "Gay Meccas" of the entire known universe, especially in the minds of those of us who had constantly fantasized about what life was like there. Plus it was more than just a vacation, I was actually gonna meet up with some gay penpal friends whom I had written to over the previous year or so. Yes, friends, not sexual partners but friends - those 2 guys ended up being one of the first gay couples I had ever met and were some of the nicest people I had ever known. 

So a coupla days after arriving at LAX, and spending time with my Aunt and Uncle, my 2 friends suggested we spend the day together hanging out. Rick and John were 17 & 19 at the time and I wasnt quite yet 18 at the time, but they knew alotta people so I was told not to worry about getting into places, cover charges and the like. The date was June 17, 1984 and I'll never forget it because not only was it one of the funnest days of my life - ever - as a teenager, but that evening I would meet someone who would literally change my life forever. Anyways, we hadda blast! They knew how much I loved ships so late that morning we drove over to Long Beach and - you guessed it - toured the QUEEN MARY herself!! Omg, I was in friggin heaven!!! When I first laid eyes on that beautiful, floating mountain of steel I said to myself in my mind "Your Majesty, it is truly an honor to finally meet you. I now see that all my years of studying you has paid off!" And it did, it really did. We took the full tour, from the top of her bridge to the bottom depths of her engine rooms and not to brag, but our tour guide was genuniely impressed with my knowledge of the ship! It was so much fun, for a kid that grew up barely making it, always moving from military base to military base with my family, it was just like exploring a brand new world, it was so much fun being free and being able to enjoy life for a change.

Naturally, they also took me to a  few gay spots here-n-there. After we were done at the QUEEN MARY we went across the way to this one park that was located in Redondo Beach, California, a very well-know gay cruising area, so I was told.  With being in a place I had never been to before, I was somewhat shy at the places we frequented that day. While we were sitting outside on the beach near  where their car was parked, several guys did walk by and check me out so I just smiled and said "Hey, how's it going?" and little greetings like that. The realization that others did find me attractive made me feel good inside; hell, when you're a teenager and you get that kinda attention it can even make you feel downright invincible.

Before we left the park that afternoon, we all got back into the car and were having a cigarette when this really REALLY hot guy in a blue pick-up truck pulled up to my side of the car. He looked down at all of us and smiled and asked how we were doing and then he said to me "Hey Blondie, I got something to show you." With a cigarette hanging outta my mouth, I said "Yeah, I bet you do." He laughed and said "C'mon, I really do." So we all started laughing and Rick and John told me, go check him out, we'll be right here, it'll be fine. So, I got outta the car, walked over to this truck and said "So, what is it?" He motioned with his finger downward, I put my head a little ways through the driver side window and yelled out "Hello!! HELLO!!!! Whoooooahhhhh!!! My God, it's so huge!!!!" Being the mild smart-ass I was back then I said to him "Does your Mother know you are carrying something that large on you!?!?! Lord, have mercy!!" He just laughed his ass off and then asked me if I wanted to go somewhere and spend some time with him and I told him I'd love to but I really couldnt because I was meeting my boyfriend in a few minutes. Believe it or not, as horny as that man obviously was, he didnt make a fuss, he was very laidback and told me to take care. Trust me, I have never been the size-queen-type to begin with but it was very tempting for me to take him up on his offer but I couldnt, I just couldnt because even at that young age I knew the only thing he wanted was a good time and even back then, I wanted so much more than just that. Funny, I still do today, even in 2010...lol

Oops, forgot to tell you what the guy looked like - those of you before my generation, and perhaps a few of you from my generation, may or may not remember the 70's & 80's porn star Al Parker. Well, this guy coulda passed for a near-twin of Parker, only his hair and beard were jet black and he was about 5 to 6 inches shorter than Parker was - he was hot, smoking hot. And hung. Hung like a friggin donkey! I'm not kidding. I really shouldnt be writing this because I would feel kinda embarassed if anyone underage would read this but that guy had to have been at least 10 inches long, ya know, the kinda guy who's so huge and thick that if you were on a motorboat with him and it broke down you'd turn to him and say "Uhm, Sparky? Forget the oars, would you mind whipping it out and rowing us to shore? We'll definitely get there faster, for sure!!!" I probaly coulda gone with him and hadda great time but looking back I now know I did the right thing by declining his offer.

So after we stopped for a quick bite to eat Rick and John asked me if I wanted to go to a gay bar and I said "Sure, why not?" After all, I began going to gay bars around the age of 16. No, I wasnt one of those 1980's bad-boys, I just happened to be kinda smart for my age. I knew that if I wanted to explore places like gay bars in order to find out what the gay world was really all about, I needed to have dates or boyfriends that were of legal age or higher. After all, I wasnt a drinker so I couldnt get in trouble for that. All they woulda smelled on my breath was my beloved Coca-Cola! So we went to this gay bar in the Cherry Park area of Long Beach, California, called "The Inspiration."  I automatically fell in love with the place - it was so comfortable and charming, sorta like the local neighborhood gay bar - nice long bar counter, chairs-n-tables here-n-there, a pool table, and a pinball machine but I dont remember any dancefloor because I'm pretty sure it was not a dance bar back in 1984. Before I wrote this article I shoulda Googled it to see if the place is even still around. Anyways, the 3 of us walked in, John ordered a beer, Rick a strawberry daiquiri and me a nice ice-cold Coca-Cola and we sat down and lit up our cigs and chilled.

As I was putting my cigarette out I looked over in the direction the pinball machine and saw this guy playing it, only there was something different about him right off the bat - he was wearing a 3-piece business suit! Up until that evening I had never seen anyone in a business suit atta gay bar, not ever. That's not to say it has never happened or doesnt happen now but it struck me as kinda unusual. Rick and John saw that the semi-curly brownhaired guy caught my eye and instantly Rick needled me and said "Hey Girlfriend (he called everyone that) why dont you go approach Daddy Warbucks over there and see if he's looking for a hot, blonde boy to take care of!?!?" We all laughed at Rick and I said "Please, this is notta Eartha Kitt video!!" The three of us always busted a gut laughing together! Then John said "Hey, he looks like he isnt with anyone, why dont you go over to him?" But I hesitated and said "Oh I dont know" and then Rick, as always with his smart mouth said "Oh John, she doesn't want to, she's one of those "good girls!" Once again we all laughed and I said "Oh fuck you, let me light one up and I'll go over there, smartass!" As for those of you who may tease me about being a pollyanna, tease away all you want because that night it paid off, it really did.

So he was standing there playing the pinball machine and I was having a cigarette and when I walked up beside him I said "Hey, how's it going?" He responded "Oh okay, I was just....."and then he turned his head and looked right into my eyes and finished what he was saying..."....about to...ohhh, hello....hello Blondie, whatcha up to?" I smiled and laughed a little bit and said "Oh, just here with my friends hanging out, thought I'd see what you're up to." Then he said to me "Do you wanna play?" and I - I kid you not about this - responded back in the most sultriest, seductive-sounding way I possibly could, "Oh yeah, I'd love to play." Omg looking back I think the good-girl conscience in me was yelling "Slut! Slut!!!!!! SLLLUUUUTTTT!" the entire time I was saying that to him!  I really didnt know what else to say at the moment, I was so prim-n-proper, eve back then - well, except when it came to him - but I wouldnt know that till later. 

We played a coupla games of pinball and chit-chatted and then he started to laugh without reason and I said to him "Uhm you okay over there?" And he said to me "You have no idea who I am, do you?" With not being from the local area and not knowing the run-down of every single GLBTQ person of noteriety back then, I honestly yet sarcastically responded "No, I don't, are you related to the President or what?" He laughed and said no and then told me who he was. I really thought he was pulling my leg - one of the trial lawyers who worked on the Mayor George Moscone & City Supervisor Harvey Milk's murder trial several years back - so I shot back "Yeah right, and I'm Greta Garbo..." Instantly his face got red, which made me kinda nervous and he said "Well then Greta, let's go over to my table and I'll prove it." I shot back "Okay, if you say so." On the way over to his table he motioned the bartender to hand him something from behind the counter - it was a briefcase and when we arrived at his table, he opened it up and showed me all his professional and legal identification cards, as well as papers from two of the three law firms he was working with at the time. My mouth dropped instantly! I said, "Look, I'm so sorry, I didnt know, I'm just here visiting the area with my friends over there and..." He grabbed my right hand and held onto it and said "It's okay Blondie, just relax, here, let me light your cigarette for you..." and then he said "Now....tell me all about you..." So for the next hour and a half I told him about myself (I know, sickening, isnt it? lol) about going to school and what I wanted to do with my life and we just had an extremely good time together. It really was so nice talking to him and for the first time in my life, it felt like someone was actually listening to me, actually interested in my life, actually interested in my thoughts, my fears, my dreams. Magical doesnt even been to describe that first conversation. We really clicked with each other.

Around 7 p.m. or so, Rick and John had to leave since John had to work that night but before they did, I introduced Jack to them. They were all nice to each other but I respected John's actions just as much now as I did back then. He turned to Jack and said "Look, this is our friend, we know him, but we dont know you, so if he's gonna go with you, you need to give us your phone number and your address or he's coming home with us." At the time, I was just as taken aback as Jack was but yet at the same time I was genuinely impressed by the maturity and chivalry of John's behavior. Now THAT is what the definition of a true friend really is, someone who cares enough to stand up for your safety-n-welfare regardless of what others think. Hell, knowing Jack, knowing anyone, he coulda told John to fuck off and mind his own damn business; but, Jack was a gentleman, always a gentleman. So he said to John "I'll tell you what Buddy, you got yourself a deal. And if you want to call to check up on him (me) please feel free to do so. I thought to myself "Wow, this guy is very decent!" And he was, he truly was.

So I hugged Rick and John good-bye, thanked them for the wonderful day and told them I would give them a call soon before I headed back East. Then, Jack and I got into his car and we were just about to leave the parking area near the Inspiration when he turned and looked at me, deeply into my eyes and said to me "I dont know what's going to happen tonight with you and I, but if I dont ever see you again, I dont wanna leave you without at least having one kiss, just one single kiss." My heart jumped and flipped 100 times over in a row when he said those words to me. So I said to him "Well, that would be fine but...." and before I could finish my sentence he planted a kiss on my lips that I still havent forgotten about to this day. It probaly lasted for a good 2 minutes - no shit - but I wasnt keeping time, it felt so good, so right, that I simply didnt want it to end!

As he started driving he said to me "I dont want you to get the wrong idea, I'm notta rapist or an axe murderer or anything like that, but would you be interested in spending the evening with me?" My heart practically did somersaults when he asked me that. I hesitated for a moment and then said "Yeah...uhm sure....I'd like that, I'd like that a lot, but I'm gonna have to call my Aunt and let her know where I am at." He laughed and said "Oh c'mon, you were in that bar, don't tell me you're underage, oh man..." and I immediately piped in "Well, no I'm not underage, I'm 18 and I'll be 19 in a few months, it''s just that I've never spent the night with anyone before. I've gone out with guys and spent days or evenings with them but never an overnight." He then laughed and said "Well, I promise to be a gentleman and take very very good care of you" to which I responded "Oh, I bet you will, I just bet you will."

At that time Jack hadda apartment in the Laguna Beach area and that night was our very first evening together. It's a night I'll never forget. His place was very nice-n-clean and after he showed me around we sat on the couch in his living room and chatted for what seemed a coupla of hours. He asked if I wanted anything to drink and I said sure but then he said "All I got is Pepsi" and I said "Uhm can I have some ice-water instead?" Yes, I am a die-hard Coca-Cola fan, loyal and true...lol. Then he said to me "I think there's something in your eye, let me take a closer look" to which I responded "Now look, I have heard that line all bef...." and before you know it we were in a lip-lock that not even the LA Fire Department's jaws-of-life mechanism coulda unlocked! As things started heating up, I said to him "Look, I need to tell you that I don't usually do anything when I first meet someone, cause I'm not the one-night-stand type." He looked deep into my eyes and shot back "Who said anything about one-night stands, Blondie?" Once again I began to chime "Look, I realize that but...." but by then it was too late. That night, well, let's just say that it was like fireworks, I kid you not, cannons sounding off and everything! It was so damn intense that I swear I dont even remember my clothes coming off - yeah, really! Until then I never knew two people could experience such incredible, mind-blowing, ecstatic sex! Oh my God, when I think of that night I still cant help but blush! I said it before and I'll say it again, it's no wonder I still mourn that man after all these years! (this is meant in a humorous way, not a psychologically disturbing way thank you...lol).

Jack kept his word - that certainly wasnt the last night we would be together. For the remainder of my 2 week visit in California we spent as much time together as we possibly could. Every day-n-night we would take walks together along Venice Beach or Santa Monica, have romantic dinners up-n-down the California coastline and just simply be together. When it was time for me to go back, he saw me off at the airport, along with my Aunt & Uncle. After I had said my good-byes to them and they backed away from the gate, Jack came over to me and hugged me and kissed me - yep, right out in the open at LAX! It was one of those defining moments in life, let me tell you. What he said to me before I boarded that plane reassured me that the two weeks we spent together were not a passing thing. He said to me "I meant what I said about this not being a one-night-stand. It's not that I cant live without you Honey, it's that I dont want to live without you, not ever." We hugged one more time and then I boarded the plane. Whatta flight that was, inside myself I cried the entire way back East, mumbling to myself every now-n-then "I think he might be falling in love with me. I know I am him."

From that summer onward, we talked on the phone every single night and spent time together whenever he had business meetings or lectures throughout the country. Every time we were together it was like we had met for the very first time, as if it was that June evening all over again. On Christmas Eve, 1984, around 6:45 p.m., while my parents and sisters were frequenting their local bastion of organized religion for holiday services, there was a knock on our front door. I opened it and the delivery lady said "For so-n-so, Merry Christmas!" I took the giant package from her, opened it up and I almost lost my breath when I saw what was inside - a dozen red roses, surrounded by Baby's Breath (some folks call them "Raindrops" - or so I learned after reading the inscribed card) and a card that red "My Three Favorite Things - Roses, Raindrops and (my first name). I love you so much Darling, Merry Christmas!" That was the 1st time that anyone ever sent me flowers and I was totally elated! Deep inside I knew he was the one, my instincts told me that, but my mind kept telling me "Stay focused on your education." Less than 10 minutes later he called me and asked if I received my Christmas Surprise and I told him that I did and how much I loved it and loved him. He then said to me "I'm glad you do love me because I love you too. Can I talk to you right now?" And naturally I said "Sure Honey, is everything okay? You sound upset.  He responded back "No, everything is not okay. I know we've talked about it before but I just wanna say that I dont want you being there and me being here anymore, I want us to be together, always. I know you're planning on coming out next summer for a visit but I dont want it to be a visit. I want you to come back for good. Will you please come back for me?" At that moment I lost it and through my crackling voice I told him "Of course Sweetheart, I'll come back, I'll come back. Oh Jack, this is the best Christmas ever, ever in my life! I love you so much!" 

And the rest is, as they say, history. In June, 1985, after that semester of college was over, I moved to California permanently to be with Jack. It was a decision I never regretted making. Our romance was one of those whirlwind fairytale (no pun intended!) things that doesnt always happen in a lifetime and though we had our share of ups-n-downs like every couple does, I wouldnt trade in those 4+ years we had together for anything in the world. Trust me, there were alotta critics who always had something to say about our relationship, especially when it came to our age difference (he was 15 years older than me), but we held tight-n-strong together and never stopped believing in each other. In fact, I always use to say that chronological age has nothing to do with whether or not relationships work out, it has to do with how the two people feel about each other. My personal experiences dont define the standards of the universe but I think that's very true. My only regret is that we didnt have more time together but that goes without saying.

It's funny. When I began writing this piece I didnt think it would have anything to do with our GLBTQ youth of today but it most certainly does. The story of what it was like being a gay teenager in the 1980's and how my partner and I met does apply to them because it gives them an inside perspective on one person's experiences and what it was like. The youth of today need to be assured that yes, it can be rough at times but it not only definitely gets better, but you just never know what positive, enriching experiences are waiting for you right around the corner. All kinds of good things can - and will - happen to you. Just stay strong and know that we are here for you to help you along if we can because you do belong in this world, there is a place for you and you must never ever forget that. Dont ever allow other peoples bigotry and hatred to bring you down - you will make it through, you will survive and your light will shine. Everyone on this planet matters and you are no exception to this rule. Hang in there, stay strong and when you falter, someone will be there to help. Thank you for reading.  

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

For Jack - Sunday, October 17, 2010

This morning I woke up in tears, as I do every year on this date. The severe tossin-n-turnin I experienced about 20 minutes beforehand which also usually takes place on this date was there to greet me as well. Usually when I turn in for the night I lay on my left side and within less than 5 minutes I'm out like a light. When I awaken in the morning I'm always on my right side, without fail. But today, on this damn date everything is always the opposite of what it usually is. No matter where I am living, whatever I am doing, every morning and every day and every night on this date, no matter how busy, how active, how hyper-spazz I make myself become to take my mind off of this date in my life history, I can never escape the emptiness that permeates the air. You see, my partner Jack died on October 17, 1989 and though I have accepted his death and have since moved on with my life, even though he is in my thoughts on a regular basis. on this date I just cannot get him off my mind. It's not that I hate thinking about him and the wonderful memories of him that live in my heart-n-soul, but the memories of this date all come rushing back. Not glimpses, but every single detail - the sights and sounds of that day, the fragrance of the air, everything comes back to me as if it all recently happened.

It's kind of ironic in a way that I'm even writing this right now, well, sorta. You see, every year, either on his birthday or on the anniversary of his passing away, without fail I have sat down and written him a letter. When I attended a grief counseling group a coupla months after his death, a few of the counselors I worked with suggested doing this for theraputic purposes, sort of a cleansing ritual of the soul, as well as a way to spend some "spiritual time" with him. Personally, I've found it very psychologically healthy over the years and I plan to continue to do this for as long as I feel comfortable in doing so. But this year is different because, quite coincidentally, a very close friend of mine observed the anniversary of his former partner passing away only yesterday. This afternoon when I spoke with him I told him, in a consideate, respectful manner, that I knew our lives paralleled each other's in certain ways but I didnt realize that each of these anniversaries in our lives were so close to each other date-wise. I asked him what are the chances of that happening and he told me something that helped me deal with the emotions of today - everything happens for a reason, we connect with people throughout our lifetimes when those connections and/or friendships are meant to happen. He's right because I am extremely thankful to call him, as well as his partner, friends. They're both wonderful people.

Normally I have always written my letters to Jack on paper and then sealed them and put them away in a small, carved wooden box a former employer gave me years ago as a birthday gift. But, the last several years or so, I've taken the liberty of writing them and storing them online. So right now, I'm going to write a letter to my Jack. I realize that it's not the usual blog-fare that my readers are accustomed to reading, as well as the fact that this may end up being one of the most extremely personal entries I've ever written in this blog, but all of you are welcomed to read onward or if you choose not to, that's okay too because you see, I need to do this for myself, for my Jack.

Dear Jack....Happy Belated 60th Birthday Sweethaht!!! I'm still living in Boston, Hon, so I just had to leave out the "R" in the 2nd part of that word! Today is Sunday, October 17, 2010 and you've been gone 21 years now but I wanted to tell you how much I still love you and miss you with all my heart Honey! As much of an emotional wreck as I am on this date, I actually laughed a bit today, all in a good way of course, when I thought of how you would look today. Of course, no matter how you would look you know I'd love you no matter what but Honey, I think it's kinda safe to assume that that bald spot that was starting the year before you died would be much, much larger by now! I know you use to hate it when I teased you about it but dont forget that I kissed that area every night before you went to sleep. I could never not love you, silly. But then again you'd probaly still have more hair than me with the things I've gone through. As you probaly already know, I've hit the age of 45 now - I know, I couldnt imagine us at these ages either! Hell, the last time I saw you I was only 24 and you were 39. Ah, 39, that age seems young to me now..lol.

As you may recall from all my previous letters to you, I just thought I'd do what I do in all my letters to you - let you know what has gone on in my life this past year and bring you up-to-date with everything. As is usual, I always have so much to tell you, so get ready for an earful or two...lol.

But before I get started, I have one very important thing to tell you, something that I think will give you a very giant smile. Do you remember that trust fund you started for that one homeless family that you helped out that one Christmas, the family from outside of Watsonville? Guess what? Remember the little boy, the baby? You're never gonna believe this Honey but that little baby boy will be graduating from Harvard Law School next spring!! No shit! He started out at U.C./Santa Cruz but then after his dad died he took some time off to help his Mom out and then shortly after that he got accepted into Harvard!! Can you believe it?? I'm still in contact with his Mom, and next spring when she comes out for his graduation, she wants me to join them for the celebration! Oh Jack, I'm so proud of that kid and even more proud that your unselfishness made sucha huge difference in that kid's life. You always use to tell me that we might not be able to change the whole world all in one shot, so sometimes one life at a time is always the best starting-off point, and you were right Honey.

As for me, whew, I'm always keeping busy, busy. My health is pretty good these days, T-cells, viral-loads, you name it, things are very stable and I feel very blessed. Still cancer-free, knock on wood. And, get this - this past summer after my leg surgery and about 6 or more weeks of rehab, I finally began to walk normal again!! No more limp, no more cane, no more dreaming of running up-n-down my front stoop to fetch my mail like everyone else does, it's all reality now and it's wonderful Jack! I thought about you throughout the entire process Honey and yes, I did curse you here-n-there for those times when I would fall and couldnt get back up, for not being there, but I stopped feeling sorry for myself during those moments and I didn't give up. I kept right on getting back up, even through the terrible charley-horses and sleepless nights, I kept strong. You woulda been proud of me.

My ships. Yep, I'm still crazy about my ships and this past week the newest Cunarder, the QUEEN ELIZABETH, made her maiden voyage and you should see her Jack, she's just gorgeous! She's about the same length as the QE II, down to the exact inch even, but at least a near 30,000 tons bigger. And Honey you should see how they build ships these days - no more laying down the keel, the ribbing and then the skin like they use to do. Nowadays they actually build the ships in fabricated, welded sections and then piece them together, like they use to do with the oil tankers back in the 70's. You know me, I could go on and on about this and omg, the QUEEN MARY 2, oh I could write you a book about her, she's just out of this world, I wish we could see her together. I still havent gotten the chance to see the QE 2 though - they took her outta service and now she's docked over in Dubai but someday, someday I will see her. 

Guess who I heard from last week? Your cousin Virginia! Yep, we still talk a few times a year and she called to ask me if I still wanted her to send me some more walnuts from their trees out back but I had to tell her no and it really bummed me out. Since that damn diverticulitis put me in the hospital last year, the gastroenterologist said no more nuts (you pig! lol), peanuts or popcorn ever ever again. It's just as well Honey, cause I dont wanna be dealing with no colostomy bag, I'd rather not go down that road! Though I will admit, I miss things like chocolate-walnut brownies, pistachioes and simply grabbing a handful of mixed nuts here-n-there (I heard that!). As for the popcorn, eh, I can live without that too, it always use to get stuck in-between my teeth anyways...lol.

Guys. In all the years that I've been writing you these letters, year after year they still havent changed one damn bit. You would think as much as the world has changed since 1989, even with all the advanced technology we have nowadays, that men would change how they approach the word committment, but not so. It's just as it was before. Guys connect with someone real such as myself, they show some interest, then they think of the future, they get bored and they high-tail it away into the sunset. People nowadays dont realize what we realized years ago - a real relationship can be hard work but it's always worth it in the long run, if you want it to be. 

In fact, this should make you happy - even a coupla of the guys online who claimed to be interested in me, were actually jealous of you! No shit Honey. I'd be writing in this blog and I'd get comments messaged to me like "Well you could never love me like you loved your Jack" or "Are you sure you're over him, even now?" In each instance I merely rolled my eyes, laughed it off and exclaimed "Whatever." People still dont understand what love is Jack, they just do not get it. Of course, I could never love anyone like I loved you - they're not you, they're their own individual but most people dont look at it that way, they always have to do this comparsion-bullshit. If any of them had even half a brain and attempted to use some rational intelligence they'd wake-up and realize that anyone, myself included, would love them for them, not based on some imaginary comparison chart with a former partner. Yes, I am over you, over the heartbreak and the pain and I have gone on with my life, but yes, there are times when I still hurt, when I still cry over you but it's only because sometimes I get really lonely Jack and there are also times when I miss you more than usual but hell, I'm only being human.

Actually, there are times when I get really really lonely Jack, as well as times when I get so goddamn sick-n-tired of doing everything by myself and on my own, it'd be nice to meet someone special again in my life, someone to share my life with, but I really dont know if that's gonna happen or not. I'd very much like it to but I sincerely dont know if I will meet someone who will look into my eyes the way you did and see in them what you did. I do know if someone could, they'd instantly realize what you did about me - that I have so much love to give to the right person. Until that person comes along, I guess I will be scaring the living shit out of alotta people Honey! Oh Jack, it's so funny sometimes, I wish you could see how transparent some of these people are. They start talking to me, getting to know me and then an alarm goes off in them and they start scurrying away, only they think I dont realize what's going on yet I usually see the writing on the wall after the 2nd or 3rd round of communication. I guess it's better to laugh about the humor of it all rather than get depressed and teary-eyed...lol

Jack, I wanna tell you something, in regards to what I just wrote. Sometimes having all these diseases does make me feel extremely self-conscious about looking for someone special. I know that it shouldnt but in the last few months or so it has made me wonder if there's any validation to any of it. I have experienced or still have the following diseases: Hiv+, Testicular Cancer Survivor (minus one nut), Gential Herpes, Diabetes, Diverticulitis and MRSA - wow, I guess that would make me rattle in my boots a bit too! Damn Jack, I guess I do indeed sound like the Disease-of-the-Month posterboy after all! Still, there's so many ways around those kinda things and I've always looked at it from this standpoint - if you love someone, you love them for who they are, not because of what diseases they have or dont have. I guess what I'm trying to say to you is this Honey - I don't wanna spend the remainder of my life alone, I want someone to love, and someone who will love me in return; but, if for some reason that doesnt happen, oh well, what are ya gonna do, ya know? No matter what happens, I have experienced true love in my lifetime, some folks never get to know what that's like. Besides, I always got my memories of you to keep me warm, to give me strength and to give me hope.

Work and my social life, or lack thereof! Oh I've been working a lot lately Jack, more than I ever have in my entire life. I always thought things would slow down after I hit 40 but that pre-conceived notion we all had back in the 1980's is a thing of the past Honey. Things are kinda tight for me financially these days but I'm doing my best to keep my head above water. The Boston gays, as well as the Boston Hiv'ers, are somewhat different than the Northern California gays that you and I were accustomed to. They're not as friendly, they're kinda stand-offish, almost aloof. But then again, until my work situation changes and I can get out more often, perhaps I shouldnt bitch about it. But it does kinda hurt Honey, I think that's part of the loneliness problem too. I'm gonna try to change that in the next week or two, I'm gonna knock on their doors, figuratively, and let them know that they need to let me in. Regardless of that, I plan to stay in Boston for as long as I can but if that changes I'm sure you'll know before I do...lol.

Friends. Though a good majority of my close friends are mainly of the internet variety, I gotta tell you Jack, some of the folks I have met online are truly some of the most extraordinary people I've ever come across. Honey, they are so nice to me, some of them even shoot me a note or message just to see how I am doing - they may be on a computer screen but they really do care about me. I'm so blessed with them, I really am. In fact, next year, if the vacation-times for my work schedule will configure to it, I plan to make 2 major trips next summer - Northern California and Canada. A few of the guys from the last two law firms you worked for want me to come out for an informal memorial service they are planning for you. I think it'll be healthy for me to do this because it'll give me a chance to visit with the people and places we use to know. As for Canada, I've always wanted to go there but now even moreso now that I have friends there, real friends, I think it'd be a blast to meet with some of them, schedules allowing and all.

One last thing before I close this extra-long epistle to you. Remember that Harvey Milk Foundation thing that group of us were thinking of forming back in '88? Well, there finally is a Harvey Milk Foundation now and it's a wonderful organization Honey, you'd be really impressed, especially since Harvey's nephew Stuart is heavily involved with it. They stand up and support alotta the important causes out there and so far they are a pretty damn good success if I may say so myself. Thought you would wanna know.

I'm gonna close this letter to you now Jack. It may sound kinda silly but in a way I'm actually afraid to, can you believe it? I know you can believe it because right now you and I are the only ones who can see my tears falling. Oh I know, I can write to you or talk to you anytime I damn well please, I know you'll always be there for me, but it's just that I'm really really missing you something awful today Honey. I dont know if it's cause of all the things that are going on in my life right now or maybe it's because I'm older now, but oh Jack, I miss you so much. Even with feeling you so close to me at times and remembering how it felt to hold you and be held in your arms, you're a pretty tough act to follow Honey. Tonight I was gonna write about the first night we met but I know that you of all people will understand why I couldnt do that tonight, because Jack it simply hurts too much today. I'll write about it another night, I promise, cause I always loved that story. I'm gonna go now. I love you so much, dont you ever forget that.            Love Always, (Me)

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

To The Voters of the State of Michigan - Saturday, October 16, 2010

Yeah I know, most folks are very familiar with my contempt for the state of Michigan as well as the greater Midwest region of the United States of America so why would I give a personal shit about the political races currently taking place in any of those areas? Because of something called the "trickle down effect" which I will explain later in this piece. I also realize that some folks may think "Well, why should we listen to him, he's not even a resident of our state?" Because like many other people here in America the majority of us who do not live in Michigan are very well aware of how rotten things are in your state - unemployment, crime rates, you name it, your woes are not an elusive mystery to any of us outside of your state borders.

Here's the skinny - there is a Republican candidate by the name of Rick Snyder who is running in Michigan's mayoral race this election and I am here to tell you voters in Michigan this - do NOT vote for that man. Politicians are like hookers, they all got their good points and their bad points but when it comes to Mr. Snyder, one of his worst points is the role he played in the demise of the Gateway Computer Corporation, not just the thousands of jobs that were lost every single year he was in command of that company, but also his role in selling it to the Chinese. You people in Michigan are extremely foolhardy if you choose to place your trust in someone who will make unemployment in your state even worse should he be elected mayor. As if y'all back there don't have it hard enough as it is. Mr. Snyder will not bring jobs back to Michigan, nor will he reinvent the state and make it more prosperous. The state''s automotive industry is already doing that for the 1st time in decades and throwing Mr. Snyder's hollow promises into that mix could prove dentrimental to the regrowth that the industry leaders of your state are trying so damn hard to nurture and expand. Those of you who live back there know first-hand how rough things are in Michigan, why on God's green earth would you make a decision that would further impair your state's chances of full and total recovery from this awful economic depression that is plaguing all of us?

As a resident of the state of Massachusetts I know firsthand what Mr. Snyder's economic stimulus policies are capable of producing. Thus enters the "trickle down effect." Imagine my disgust several years ago while shopping at the Barnes & Noble store in the Shopper's World area of Natick, MA and looking up at the giant Gateway Computer store located 2 doors down from it, as workers were hauling the inventory, the shelves and everything else out of the store. That evening a few shoppers walking next to me stopped and asked one of the Gateway employees what was going on and you wouldn't believe the response I heard "Some asshole in Michigan sold us out to the Chinese!" Let me tell you, my mouth dropped!! And instantly in my mind I thought "My God, I'm almost a thousand miles away from that nasty place and STILL the evil, nasty little claws of some Midwest monster still reach out clutching for anything they can get their hands on!!" Oh I was livid, just livid!

But less than a minute later I laughed when I heard one of the shoppers say to two of her fellow shoppers "Michigan? Isn't that some hick place west of New York??" And ohhhhhh I wanted to say soooooooo badly "Hick place? You dont know the half of it children! Step out any backyard there and look in any direction and not only do you see nothing but mile after mile of flat farmlands and near-bare landscapes everywhere, but dont be surprised if you see a opossum or skunk roller-blading down the middle of the road, flipping you off the entire time!" All that night, all the way back home I was cursing and saying "Those goddamn sonnsabitches need to keep their shit in their own backyard and keep it away from my beloved Boston! Hmmmph!"

This all happened years ago but I still feel the same exact way now as I did then, if not moreso. The majority of the people in Michigan have no concept of how much more expensive it is to live and survive here on the East coast than back there. For the thousands of Gateway employees who lost their jobs from 2005 onward it was a giant blow to Massachusetts and naturally every single Gateway location in the Boston area and it's MetroWest suburbs closed. Even worse yet, there were no businesses that moved into those locations - those jobs were not only lost for good, there weren't any to replace them. But I'm more than certain that this did not concern Mr. Snyder, he probaly sat back in his home office - most likely on a Gateway brand computer no less - and thought to himself "Well, I'm rich, I belong to a certain class of people, I don't need to worry about those things." There were families here in Masschusetts that went hungry because of self-serving business decisions that you made Mr. Snyder and that didnt concern you? Yep, that's exactly what you voters in Michigan need right about now - a smooth-talking politician who will wine-n-dine you now but then purposely forget to leave his money on the dresser when he's done screwing the living daylights out of you. As the charcter Miss Julia Sugarbakker of the television series "Designing Women" would say - "Mr. Snyder? For Mayor?? I don't think so."

By the same token, am I suggesting to all of you Michigan voters to march yourselves down to the polls and vote for Democrat candidate Virg Bernero instead of Rick Snyder? Hell no. As devoted as a Democrat that I am, I won't tell you that and you wanna know why? Because even though I have researched Mr. Bernero's stances on various economic policies, I don't think he's the best candidate to govern the state of Michigan either. Granted, for me, living in a big city as I do now, he's extremely impressive because after all, he was the mayor of Lansing, Michigan, the state capitol, so chances are very very good that he know's what he's doing and he knows how to do it well - taking care of the people who vote for him. Now I realize that no politician is perfect but I think it's a pretty safe bet that Mr. Bernero will not take badly needed (as well as longly awaited) jobs away from the state of Michigan. He's not gonna stir up a mess that will impede GM or any other of Michigan's industries from making a long awaited comeback this year and in the next few years to come. Think about it - do you want to elect someone who could build up the power to sell-out even more of Michigan's industries or someone who's gonna putta stop to that kinda bullshit and in turn do his best to save the state of Michigan? 

All I'm saying is this - when it comes to politics and voting, you need to do two things. First, use common sense. Yeah, it's really that simple. Second, if you yourself as a concerned, educated individual feel that neither of the candidates who are running for the mayoral office in Michigan this year are worthy of sucha post, then you need to realize the following - when you have two evils in front of you, always, ALWAYS choose the lesser of the two. As I said earlier, as proud as I am to be a staunch and loyal member of the Democratic party, I can't tell you that Virg Bernero is the right person to head the state of Michigan but when you look at Rick Snyder's political track record, well, I think it's pretty obvious. 

Look, voters of Michigan, I wont lie to you, things are tough all over right now, not just in your state, not just in my state, but everywhere. It's quite obvious that the majority of political campaigns taking place all over America this year mainly center around economic stimulus packages and the neverending soaring unemployment rates. As sad as this situation is, it is the truth to face and deal with. I truly wish there was an easy answer or an easy suggestion to tell you which road to choose to travel down but since there isn't, allow me to at least say this to you - make the choice that is going to best benefit your lives and the lives of your children. Nowadays we are talking about survival, both the protection and preservation of it, so please make a careful, well-informed choice. Don't do it last minute, research each candidate's stances on every issue first and then make your decision. And whatever you do, don't refuse to vote because every voice makes a difference. Now more than ever, trust me on that one. Thank you for reading. 

 

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Telephone Line - Friday, October 15, 2010

No, this isn't gonna be about the 1976 hit song of the same name by ELO though I gotta admit, that song is definitely worth writing about if you like ELO, which I do!  But, I digress. Naturally one of the many ways that people love to connect with each other is by having a good telephone conversation and let's face it, it's not just one of the most widespread modes of communication with your fellow human beings, but it's so much more personable than talking via a text message or even here on the internet. For me personally though, with the anonymous angle and all, I must be extremely careful with who I consider talking over the phone with, and I dont mean this in a pompous, arrogant way either - by having phone contact with anyone whom I feel is not trustworthy, I run the risk of my accidentally revealing my true identity (why do I feel like Diana Prince every single time I use that phrase??) to the outside world and at this point in time, I just cant risk that, at least not yet. Eventually, yes, but not now.

Don't me wrong, I'm not writing this piece to tell people that I will never ever speak with anyone on the phone, quite the contrary; but, I do wanna let people know that I will be extremely cautious and careful in doing so because as we all know, people can portrary themselves however they damn well please behind their computer screens but in some cases what and who they say there are and who and what they really are in reality are two totally different things. For what it may be worth, none of what I am saying here is directed towards the people whom I consider my friends and family here on line - you know who you are and certainly by now you should know that I do indeed trust more than several of you. The sentiments contained within this piece are mainly directed at those individuals who are complete stangers to me, as well as those who still have a difficult time grasping the overall concept of my anonymity.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             Anyone who knows me or knows of me online knows that I really enjoy joking around and even overtly flirting with those who do the same with me, it's all done in fun and commaraderie, perfectly harmless. Myself, I sincerely have just as great a time with this as anyone else does, and along the way I've struck up some very good friendships too. However, I do need to address a coupla issues regarding all of this.

First, many people have been asking me what my first name is and though I dont feel that should be an issue to any degree, you'd be surprised how many people out there are adamant in knowing. I guess for some reason some people find calling me "Spice" or "Spicey" too much of an inconvenience, almost to the point of it being a mental roadblock. I'll admit, anonymity or not, I just don't get that, but I just go along with it because maybe this is one of those minute things in life that I'm not suppose to understand, ya know? It's possible I guess.

Second, I am truly flattered and honored (and I mean both in the most humblest of demeanors) that those whom I joke around and/or are my sincere friends do want to get to know me better, even moreso by the fact that several or more people have felt comfortable enough to give me their phone numbers, attached with the invitation to feel free to call and talk sometime. Seriously, I am so blown away by this because by doing this people are validating what they themselves and I already know - I am a very honest, trustworthy real human being. People do indeed assume correctly - I would never intentionally, let alone in a malicious manner, ever violate someone else's privacy. The only issue I have with this phone number business is that there are also a great deal of people I dont know out there who literally will approach me online and say "Here's my number, call me!" and I would love to call them because no one enjoys a good conversation with a good friend better than I do, but before I can do that, I have to get know someone better. 

True, there are a great deal of folks out there who dont have any problems whatsoever exchanging their phone numbers with other people online, after all, we're all mature rational adults, right? In the majority of cases that is true and for those who think it's no big deal, hey, more power to you. But myself, I'm still a bit cautious. I know people will tell me I dont need to be but those very same people have never walked a mile in my shoes. Most people dont know what it's like to run their garbage outside in the wee hours of the morning (looking one's worst I might add, but who doesnt at 5 a.m.?) only to find 4 to 5 reporters snapping photos and asking "How are you this morning? Hey, is he in there?" Most people dont know what it's like to go on a private weekend getaway to Lake Tahoe and as you're sitting in the lew, looking out the tiny window and seeing a few cameras poised in the pine trees and for that split second thinking "Dare I even attempt to wipe my ass, lest that appears on the front page of the Inquirer too?" But the one that majorly incenses me the most, even after these extremely long 21 years later, is walking out of the side entrance of that hospital, with eyelids almost swollen shut from crying for over an hour or more non-stop, and being greeted by clicking cameras and people yelling "Hey, how are you? Is he dead yet? Did they say exactly what he died of? Arent you gonna talk to us?" No, the infuriating anger and rage which was born on that horrible morning does NOT happen in everyone's lifetime, but it certainly happened in mine. I wouldnt wish that kind of unimaginable emotional hell on anyone, the mental shockwaves of the experience itself were deafening.

Up until the time of that last example, I have never had any problems trusting people - and I still dont - but I am a bit more cautious than your average person, naturally for obvious reasons. What do I expect from people out there in internet-land? Just to be a bit more understanding and patient with me, that's all. I dont think that's asking too much and if you do, then you need to walk away, because zero tolerance of bullshit is yet another mainstay of my life these days. As for the real people out there, the genuine ones who really do care, I very much look forward to speaking with you on the phone in the near future and yes, getting to know each and every one of you better. Thank you for reading. 

 

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

On DADT - Thursday, October 14, 2010

Once again there has yet been another twist-n-turn in the roller-coaster ride regarding this country's 17 year old "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy regarding gays and lesbians serving in the U.S. Armed Forces, with the latest development being an emergency stay against dismantling this age-old bastion of discrimination based soley on sexual orientation. Myself, I am so sick-n-tired of America's stance over this issue, especially because for the last decade or so there has been nothing but teeter-tottering and see-sawing back-n-forth on it - first this archaic, bigoted policy is banned, then it's overturned, then banned again, then overturned again. It's not only ridiculous, but it's undeniably ludicrous, for two very important reasons. First, it has been proven over and over again that gays and lesbians serving in the U.S. military has NEVER ONCE affected the morale let alone deterred the effectiveness of our armed forces during both active and non-active duty. Look at all the countries who do allow gays and lesbians to serve in their armed forces and NOT ONCE has it compromised the effectiveness of their military forces, nor the safety of their particular countries. Second, it costs Amercan taxpayers tens of thousands of dollars per each individual case when the U.S. Justice Department performs its witchhunts of gay and lesbian military personnel. This goes beyond preposterous - when a gay or lesbian individual makes the commitment to serve and protect the United States of America with their very own lives, it is not any different from their heterosexual comrades, the only difference being their sexual orientation - and that's all.

The United States of America is very much behind the times when it comes to the issue of gays and lesbians serving in the military. Take a minute or two to review the following list of countries who already allow gays and lesbians to serve in their armed forces. I think it's not only an extremely large list but guess what? It's growing. Each year it's growing and you wanna know why? Because military leaders the world over are realizing that it doesn't matter who you fuck in bed at night - or in this particular case, during your military leaves - if you're committed to serving your country with the best of your abilities, you're gonna keep that promise no matter what. Alotta people tell us that those of us in the civilian GLBTQ sector got it made when it comes to our civil rights and our anti-discrimination policies but if you compare what we have with those of our military service personnel, the vast differences are just too overwhelming. Our guys and gals all over the world deserve the same basic rights we all do and we need to fight harder on this front to get DADT abolished for once and for all.

The following list is a tally sheet of the numerous countries who allow gays and lesbians to serve in their armed forces: Albania, Argentina, Australia, Austria, Belgium, Canada, Colombia, Czech Republic, Denmark, Estonia, Finland, France, Germany, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Malta, The Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Peru, Philippines, Poland, Romania, Russia, Slovenia, South Africa, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, United Kingdom, Bermuda and Uruguay. Now if this list were maybe less than 5 countries, I could see where there is much work to be done on this issue, but 36 different countries and principalities?? Now if I was one of our U.S. military commanders in charge of keeping this country safe from harm and well-protected I'd be asking myself this "Do they know something we don't know?" Yeah, they do - they know that regardless of who you sleep with, if you wanna serve and protect your native homeland, the place of your ancestral roots, you should be allowed the right to do so without being treated as a subordinate, second-class citizen. It's funny, alotta of the world claims that America is the land of the free, the birthplace of Democracy, yet any casual observer couldn't tell that by the way gay and lesbian military personnel are treated in this country.

There are a few myths and fears that need to be demystified and debunked. First, having gay and lesbian personnel in the military is not going to compromise the safety and protection of this great land of ours. Again, these people are there to do their job just like their heterosexual counterparts, nothing any less than that. They will serve this country proudly to the best of their abiliites and will hold their heads high on a job well done like any other military service personnel. Yeah, it's that basic and simple.

Second, what's this bullshit about other military personnel being uncomfortable about them being in the same shower-rooms with gay and lesbian comrades? For pete's sake, if that's the issue, take all that friggin money that is wasted on those ridiculous witch-hunts and utilize it do away with communal shower-rooms if that's how irrational our military leaders are gonna be. My God, you'd think our armed forces were being governed by a bunch of hoodlums with 8 year-old mentalities. The next part of this argument of our military leaders is that they dont want the gay and lesbian personnel checking out the heterosexual personnel and having sexual thoughts about them. Excuse me, are we talking about the alleged "strongest military machine on this planet" or an adult version of Romper-Room?? So it's okay for heterosexual military personnel to have sexual thoughts about their fellow personnel, even rape and murder them, but it's wrong for gay or lesbian military personnel to think "Hey, nice package baby.." or "Hey, nice beaver Sister.." - now I'll be the one to ask - am I missing something here? Trust me, sexual thoughts are a part of human nature and when any gay or lesbian military personnel out there is involved with someone, they are gonna be thinking about their loved ones back home just as their heterosexual counterparts would do. Once again, I repeat - sexual orientation has nothing to do with how well your comrade is gonna cover your ass on the battlefield, nor who you do or dont wnat to shower in front of. Really, some of the U.S. millitary's tired rhetoric on these issues goes way beyond prepubescent gibberish.

Third, some U.S. military leaders have implied that they fear that gay and lesbian military personnel may fall apart mentally and fail their country in the line of duty because of their sexual orientation. Really? Mind explaining that one to me, please? The mental stresses/pressures and risks of losing ones life on the battlefield are no greater for one person than another. Gay and lesbian military personnel are trained in their fields the same exact way as their heterosexual counterparts and if they indeed were to bend under pressure in any way, shape or form, it would be no different than their heterosexual comrades, for again, who you sleep with has nothing to do with how well you will perform your duties anymore than the same warped rationale that implies civilian workers job performance is affected by who they sleep with. This all is nothing butta bunch of irrational and unfounded double-standards which should've been debunked decades ago. Bottom line is this - it's not who you are, but how well you perform your duties that dicates on whatta good soldier you will be - nothing more, nothing less.

Do you know what I think the leaders of the U.S. Military and U.S. Justice Department are most afraid of? I think they are running scared (like cowards) over this gays and lesbians in the military issue because it scares the living fuck out of them that not only America, but the rest of the countries who have the same discrimination policies in effect in their military sectors, will realize that once they see us gays and lesbians in a full, outward view, they will realize that we are no different from them. And that literally scares the hell out of them. The old addage that what people fear the most they tend to eventually hate and then want to destroy proves true, even in this scenario. They don't wanna see a U.S. Navy sailor being embraced and kissed by the man he loves once his ship arrives back-in-port following a 6 to 12 month tour-of-duty. They dont wanna see an Army or Air Force commander being greeted by her partner of 20+ years and their 3 teenage children when she gets to leave base to spend a long-deserved furlough with the only family she's ever known. Most of all, they don't wanna see a group of U.S. Marines being greeted by their drag-queen boyfriends once they come back from those shores of Tripoli. But, why? Didnt these fine, brave, exemplary men and women equally bust their asses and put their lives on the line like their heterosexual counterparts? Don't they deserve the same respect and same freedoms as all other U.S. military personnel deserve? The bottom line is this - the U.S. military forces do not want to acknowledge nor accept the fact there are gay and lesbian individuals who serve this country's armed forces, who serve it above and beyond the call of duty, and just like the civilian sector of this country they too do not want to acknowledge and accept any members of the GLBTQ community as part of this country, let alone the world at large. But there is one thing both America's military machines and its civilian population continue to underestimate - the GLBTQ community's will and deterimation to fight for and secure its basic civil rights. And we will never stop. 

I don't think there's any magic bullet answer or process to put this issue to rest for once and for all. True, though there is so much more to do, so much more to accomplish when it comes to acquiring our basic rights in the civilian sector, when I look at what's going on in the U.S. armed forces, damn, we still have great battles ahead of us. We need to continue to fight for our rights in both sectors, as well as show our military service members that we'll be there for them until this dreadful "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy finally becomes the outlawed piece of antique, inhumane legislature it's always been since day one of it's conception. It's about people. We're all the same when it comes to wanting to make a difference in our own lives as well as in the lives of those around us, regardless if one is an Air Force fighter pilot or a civilian. People do not need to be evaluated or judged based on their sexual activities, that area of their lives has nothing to do with what they can offer the world, whether serving in our armed forces or not. Thank you for reading.

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Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

National Coming Out Day - Monday, October 11, 2010

I've already written about my own personal coming out day back in the summer of 1982, when I came out of the closet as a gay teenager at the age of 16. Over the years I've noticed that everybody's coming-out experience has it's share of smiliarities and differences with everyone else's, no matter who you are or where you're from; but one universal bond of this experience we all share is the sheer relief of being honest and true to ourselves as well as those around us. No one can amply describe that feeling because in most cases the heightened sense of that relief is indescribable. For myself, it was as if I had passed a certain rite of passage, as if I had finally become a grown-up - and I did, we all did. We made it.

With everything that's going on in the GLBTQ world today, on this very special day, there is a poem that appeared on one of my posts on Facebook a day or two ago that I would like to share with all of you at the end of this entry. I found this poem extremely moving, yet right-on-target on every single one of its verses, especially when thinking about the numerous sucides of GLBTQ youths that have taken place this September and October. I've written on this very same subject a few times now and not only am I abhorred that the suicides havent stopped I still continue my stance that we need to do so much more to protect and ensure the safety and welfare of our GLBTQ youth than simply talking about it and getting them to open up about their feelings of what they are experiencing. True, that is the first step but we need to do so much more. I refuse to budge on this. I still say that beginning a nationwide (hell, even world-wide for that matter) mentoring program between those youths and the adult GLBTQ community is the best route to go - those children of all ages need direct, consistent, stable moral support from all of us on a regular basis and I still feel that will put an end to the rising suicide rates. Granted, perhaps not every GLBTQ youth can be saved, but it sure as hell is worth trying for, dont you think?

This past week yet another dear friend raised an extremely legitimate point regarding the current epidemic of GLBTQ youth suicides. He posed the very same question that I think most of us have been wondering about too - how do we know, without a doubt, that this hasnt been happening all along but is being mistakenly attributed to other factors? Are we finally learning more about this problem because the media is finally focusing attention on it? The possible answers to these questions is downright frightening. I may not have all the answers on this problem guys but I remain steadfast in my convictions on it - point blank, we need to find a legitimate, educated and legal way to step into the lives of our GLBTQ youth and save them, because let's face it guys, it's not like anyone else is gonna do it. Like they use to say in the Midwest when I was growing up - you either gotta piss or get off the pot. I suggest we start doing the former, and ASAP. How to exactly start the process is the hard part that needs to be figured out but like I said, we gotta do something. I'm sorry but continued complacency simply won't cut the bill on this one.

This poem was shared with me through my very good friend Morgan Reynolds, a woman whom I greatly admire as an individual and treasure as a friend. When I mention my friends who are also family to me, she is definitely included in that group. When I asked her who wrote it she told me the author is anonymous. Personally, I was saddened to hear that because I find it to be nothing less than a brilliant, heartfelt piece of literature. Oh I know, poems and literature are suppose to be two totally different things but when any of you read this, I think that you will agree with me that it's not just a poem, but literature too, literature of the heart, literature of the soul, literature that should make each and every one of us realize that we must spring into action in the battle against bigotry, hatred, and bullying, as well as our attempts to do what we can to prevent the suicide rates of all GLBTQ youths from rising any further than they already have. We're all in this world together, to help each other along, I suggest we start working much harder at that than we previously have - and then some - to win the battles on the road ahead of us. We're talking about saving innocent lives here, so not doing anything at all is non-negotiable. Did you hear me? Non-Negotiable. 

Due to the fact that this poem is a different font-size as well as the fact that I copied-n-pasted it in its original format, I dont know if this is gonna work or not, but if it doesnt once I autopost this piece I will attempt to re-configure it as soon as I get home from work late tonight. One other thing. If the author of this poem is somewhere out there and somehow reads this entry, please contact me so that I may give you proper credit for this astounding piece of literature that you wrote. The words, the emotions, the truths contained within it may have come from you as the author, but your overall piece is a living testament of the true sentiments of those of us who firmly believe that every member of the human race is worth saving - as well as worth fighting for. Your poem was written about the people, for the people, everywhere, and whoever you are, you will always have my eternal gratitude and respect for doing so. Thank you for reading.

 

Homophobia..is wrong
I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I did not have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.
I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parents he loves another male.

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo