Excelsior Pie, For Fourth of July? You Decide - Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I know, I know, I thought the same exact thing - what the hell is an Hiv'er publishing an ice cream desert recipe online for? Quite frankly My Dear, because it's damn good. Plus after that last piece, I think I needed (and I hope you did too) a milder change of pace for a moment. This recipe is gonna take some explaining before and after I list the ingredients because here's the trick of it - there are no measured amounts of the ingredients because it all depends on what size of pan or freezer container you choose to make it in.

It's called "Excelsior Pie" which is kind of a misnomer in a way because you couldn't make it in a pie plate if you wanted to, unless it was one of those deep-dish pie plates that you can find in the American Southern states. This recipe has got to be one of the most delicious dishes I have ever had in my entire life and I'm not even much of a foodie to begin with. It is rich and creamy and so damn good that I swear to you, it will literally give your stomach orgasms - yeah, really. In fact, when I use to make it for get-togethers with friends or for family holidays, more than one person would look at my face afterwards and say, seriously, "Oh my God, look at your face - you look like you're experiencing afterglow!!" It's true, it really is that good! I've never advocated food as a replacement for intimacy but if there is any food on this entire planet that could be the perfect substitute for non-culinary pleasures, this would be it.

It's origins...many many moons ago when I was working my way through college I worked in the pantry section of a local seaside resort and that is where this recipe comes from, in other words, a fancy desert for the rich folk. So it was on the menu a few years before I started working there so I'd say it's around 25 or 26 years old, again, if not older. But it's a classic. When I use a cookbook I always follow the recipe the 1st time I make it to the T; by the 2nd or 3rd time I start to alter or modify it to my own personal liking. With this recipe remember this - it may get a bit messy at times depending on how you make it: but, there is no way you can screw it up, just no way. Let's get started and then maybe more commentary afterwards if necessary.

Here's what you will need: Coffee flavored Ice Cream, Hot Fudge Sauce, Chocolate Wafer Cookies, Chocolate Syrup, Real Butter or Margarine and 1/4 cup of Grand Marnier Liquer.

For utensils and containers: Any size metal or stainless steel or any freezer-safe cake-pan-like container (I usually use a tin/metal 13 x 9 OR 15 x 10 baking pan), naturally, don't use glass. It can be as big as the 2 sizes I just listed or something as small as an 8 x 8 fudge/brownie pan - this totally depends on your own discretion, no worries whatsoever. As for utensils, whatever you prefer to scoop ice cream out with; a frostening knife or simple tableknife, to level off the Hot Fudge sauce layer; a microwave to melt the butter/margarine in; a freezer bag and rolling pin to crush up the chocolate wafer cookies in; and, a small to medium sized mixing bowl because you will be whisking the chocolate syrup and Grand Marnier together. I think that's everything, so let's get to the mechanics of this all....

1.  Pick out the size pan you want. Take the Chocolate Wafer Cookies and put them into a freezer bag and taking the rolling pin and crush the     wafers to your own desired preference - for this recipe I like mine semi-coarse but it's your judgement call, do them as coarse or as fine as       you want. Put the crushed wafer cookies into a mixing bowl and add 2 to 4 Tablespoons of melted Butter/Margarine to the crumbs and toss     all together, Then, just as you would when making a cheesecake crust, pour the mixture into the bottom of the pan, level them evenly in the     pan as much as you can; set aside.

2. Take whatever utensil you have chosen to use when working with the Coffee ice cream and layer the ice cream at least 1 inch high on top        of the crushed cookie layer.

3. Here's where it get's messy. Take the Hot Fudge sauce, spoon it out in gobs on top of the first ice cream layer and then take your frostening    knife and/or tableknife and try to spread the sauce out as evenly and quickly as is possible on top of the ice cream layer. Now we all know      how thick that sauce is and how difficult it can be to spread out but it's the only way to do it. You could take a chance and heat it up in the      microwave for a few seconds to make it a bit thinner BUT, if you chance that, be prepared to get the top ice cream layer on top of that as          quickly as possible or we are talking a major nasty mess as well as you cursing my name! Oh and rule of thumb, the layers DO NOT have to    be perfect when making this recipe - sure, presentation is always a good thing but trust me, the flavor of the end product will not be affected      in the least.

4. Repeart Step #2 - put another layer of the ice cream on top of the Hot Fudge sauce layer and smooth out as evenly as you can.

5. Take a piece of plastic food wrap and cover the entire top of the pan with it. Put into your freezer. Then, take the chocolate syrup and put         into a mixing bowl; add the Grand Marnier; whisk together, cover and store in your refridgerator until you are ready to serve the desert.

6. When serving the desert: take any type of knife and dip for a few seconds in a bowl of hot water and then slice the desert into square pieces     the way you would a cake. Cover each piece with some of the sauce and then if you like, top off with a dollop of whipped cream. The resort       where I worked it never served it with the whipped cream, friends and family added that years later; but, I personally like it without the               whipped cream.

And there you have it, Excelsior Pie. I just hope that everything will be spaced correctly once I post this but as we all know, whose life is never not ironic? You guessed it!

A few notes on this recipe....

First, if anyone who will be eating this dish is a recovering alcoholic or literally allergic to alcohol (as I am) you DO NOT need to put any booze in the chocolate syrup whatsoever - just serve it plain, the recipe is delicious. I have never tried it with the Grand Marnier in the chocolate syrup but those who can handle booze have told me it is fantastic. This really is an extremely easy recipe to modify. Plus, it's something that everyone can enjoy. Also, for those who do not have any issues/allergies with consuming alcohol, liquers such as Kahlua or Bailey's Irish Cream can also be substituted for the Grand Marnier.

Second, if you want to change the flavors of the ice cream - or even the middle filling between the ice cream layers - feel free to experiment. I've used French Vanilla or Chocolate ice creams as a substitute for the original Coffee ice cream and they are fantastic tasting, especially for those who do not like anything Coffee-flavored. I've never attempted a filling change but my Grandma did one year and it wasnt too bad - she did a fruit compote mixture of berries for the middle layer, vanilla ice cream on the top and bottom and for a sauce she used a homade Strawberry sauce and it was quite good. But, nothing compares to the original!

Third, this recipe was never stored for more than a 1 week period at the resort where I worked because they claimed it wasn't fresh after that time period but hell, I've stored it up for 2 weeks in the freezer and as long as the top layer didnt get freezer-burned, it was good to go. Also, if the amount you make is not going to be eaten in the first 48 hours, then please put a layer of aluminum foil over the plastic wrap layer when storing in the freezer.

Oh, and don't be afraid to add stuff to the recipe either. One year I added Heath Bar pieces for my Mom's birthday and another year I actually got guttsy and didda Oreo cookie version of it for one of my friend's daughter's graduation party.

If you have ANY questions regarding this recipe please do not hesitate to contact me. Feel free to pm me at Facebook anytime. Thank you for reading and whoever may try this recipe, I hope you really like it!

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

On Child Abuse - Tuesday, June 29, 2010

When I got back to my flat after physical therapy today there was a message from my Grandma in Michigan on my machine so I called her back and we had a really nice talk. We discussed the usual stuff like how we both were doing, the weather, how her beloved Detroit Tigers are having a good season thus far (!); and, then we talked about something that literally broke my heart and reduced me to tears.

She told me the story of a 4 year old little boy in the Flint, Michigan area who died in April of this year (from the conversation I gathered the court proceedings are still in progress) because he accidentally peed his pants while having breakfast so his mother's boyfriend literally beat the shit out of him and literally tortured the little kid to death. They rushed him into the Hurley Medical Center in Flint and I believe he died a day or so later after being on life support. His name was Dominick Calhoun and all you have to do is Google his name to get the full story on what happened to him. It's very difficult for me to write about this because when I think of the monsters out there that harm children and think it's okay to do that, I wanna track down every single one of them down and destroy them with my own two hands, and as I am bashing their heads into a brick wall I wanna say to them "There motherfucker, how does that feel?? Did you think how that innocent child felt when you were beating the living crap out of him/her??" Violence for violence? No, anyone who loves children will tell you that that is justice for sheer insanity.

This isn't the only child abuse horror story to come out of Michigan these past several months. The others my Grandma mentioned were one where a grandmother actually sold her 6 year old grand-daughter into prostitution so she could support her drug habit. Yet another true story was of how a young 19 year old nursing student's water broke and the baby was born alright but something was wrong with it, so when she couldn't take care of it herself, she let the baby die and then threw it into a grocery store dumpster. 

Michigan isnt the only state where these hideous crimes against babies and children (as well as animals) take place; but, it sure has had a bumper crop of these types of crimes this past year. It beyond sickens me. This type of crime and the type of psychologically aberrant behavior that sets it off needs to stop. These are inexcusable actions that every state in this country, not just Michigan, needs to monitor and enact legislature to get it to stop. Because no child, even Dominick Calhoun, should ever ever have to die for being a child; no child should even have to entertain one, tiny shread of the fear that little Dominick lived with up until the time he was attacked and murdered.

Oh, I agree with a lot of you - "Well the goverment isn't gonna do a damn thing about it, it'll be just like the stalking laws, the law won't step in till someone is half-way dead or nearly dead before they do anything about it." Well, then, I guess we as the little guys need to get off our asses and do something about it then, don't we?

Now I know there are a lot of you out there who think 'Well it doesn't concern me directly, so I don't need to do anything about it" or "Well, it's better to not get involved." I guess that's your choice. And if that's how you feel, please, do us both a favor and stop reading this blog, not just right now, but for good. Because this is one of those rare exceptions in our lives where you cannot in good moral conscience stand by and do nothing at all. I've said it before over the years and I will say it again - whether it be a man, woman or child, you cannot stand by and just watch people drown in both danger and horror and not do anything about it. On that note, to those that are still reading this, let's get a few things straight here.

First, and foremost, if you notice, or even slightly suspect that any child whom lives in your immediate neighborhood or in the businesses and places where you frequent appears to be in any type of physical or mental danger, you need to contact both your local social services organization and your local authorities (or better yet, your state police). What if you're wrong? Oh my God, it's a chance worth taking dammit. We're talking about children, innocent lives, little people who have never had the chance to grow and live fairly full lives like the rest of us. We are all here today, we have both lived and survived our lives, shouldn't they too have both the opportunity and basic human right to do that as well?

Still don't wanna get involved? Then do it this way - go to Walgreen's or CVS, pick up a 5 dollar phonecard, go to the payphone outside of the store and call from there - whatever you do, just do something about it, okay? And that one in a million chance that your suspicions are wrong, at least you should be able to look in your bathroom mirror before you go to bed that night and say to yourself proudly "Hey, I may have been wrong but at least I was thinking of someone other than myself, and I did try to make a difference for something good." If for some reason you still don't feel good, look at it this way - you still have the left-over minutes on your phonecard, right? Well, throw it in your wallet or your purse and use it next time your car breaks down and your cell phone battery dies, it's that simple.

Second, whether you are a friend or family member of someone whom you suspect is physically and/or mentally abusing their children, DO NOT let outer appearances fool you. Do not let the fact that the house is spotless and the fridge and pantries are overstocked with goodies fool you for one second into believeing that all is safe and well in La-De-Dah Land. Why? Because you don't know who's cleaning that house into a shinier-than-a-brand-new-sequin appearance, nor do you know if those children are being fed properly. There are many things in life that we adults take for granted, many "should-I-or-shouldn't-I?" scenarioes but this should not be one of them. 

And it doesn't matter who you are, what your health status is, how much you have in life or don't have in life, this is one of those issues that applies to each and every one of us. In addition, for those of us who love and adore animals, such as I do, the same rules apply. If you suspect that someone is physically and/or mentally abusing their pets (don't you dare laugh, animals have both feelings and psyches too) then you need to get out the phonecard that I suggested you purchase and call your local chapter of PETA and/or local animal shelters for guidance, as well as report them to your local and/or state police.

Third, and final, something crucially important. If you as a parent are experiencing any type of mental problems and are fearful of harming your child(ren) then the FIRST PRIORITY on your mind, IF you truly love your children as so many of your contemporaries have stated on many-a-witness stand, is to get your child(ren) to safety. I mean it. It doesn't matter if it's a family member, a friend or even a local shelter for abused/battered women and children, get your child(ren) to safety FIRST and then get yourself some help. The only explanation you need to give to whomever you go to for help is this - "Sparky, I'm having a lot of problems right now and I want the kids to be safe while I get help. Could they crash at your place for a week or two till I get some of this sorted out? Here's some grocery money." Yep, it's that simple. If you don't wanna go to a big fancy government agency, then grab the Yellow Pages and look for therapists who specialize in both Individual and what they call "Family Systems Specialist" therapy - that way you can get help for yourself and help for your family so that you and your children can be reunited.

Abused children, if they somehow survive it all, have a slightly different mindset than the rest of us. What goes through their little minds when they sense something terrible is about to happen? When the bedroom light is flicked on between 2 and 4 a.m. in the morning they don't say to themselves "What's the matter? Is everything okay? Is there a storm coming?" Yes, there's a storm coming alright. Rather, they say to themselves "Oh God am I gonna make it through this or will this be the night I get to see what angels look like?" And if they are lucky, and fortunate enough, some do survive. When they're older they get help to try and figure out how all the pieces of the puzzle fit together and if they are really, really lucky, they realize it wasn't their fault and they go onward to leading full, normal live. There are many kinds of heroes out in the world and the people who survive those childhood horrors deserve to be considered just that. Heroes. And, Survivors.

In closing this piece, I dedicate it to little Dominick Calhoun who will never get the chance to grow and experience the fun of winning his first baseball game, the thrill of going on a roller coaster ride and tearing into a giant bag of cotton candy, or the right to do what so many others take for granted - to breathe and live life. I'm just one person, I can't change the entire world but you have my word Dominick that I personally will do whatever I can to help prevent what happened to you from happening to any other child on this planet. Thank you for reading.

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

About Sex - Monday, June 28, 2010

I am laughing profusely as I sit down to write this piece because if you woulda told me that I would be writing about this topic a couple of months back I woulda exclaimed "Are you whacked??" No surprise, but I enjoy deep, meaningful sex just as much as the next person, especially when it's with someone you care about and/or love. Maybe I should switch to reverse and change the title to "Gidget Talks About Sex" for when I'm finished with this entry I am almost certain some folks might just exclaim "Pollyanna!" or "Oh, he's a "Good Girl!" Think what you will, but as much as I think good sex is wonderful, I think sex in general is over-rated.

On that note, this is also the juncture where some of the people I have openly discussed this subject with have actually had the nerve to tell me "Well you aren't a normal gay person at all!" or "Why aren't you promiscious like other gay men??" My response to both that statement and that question is this - I don't think our sexual drives have one goddamn thing to do with our sexual orientation. I think the stereotype that all gay men are sexually promiscious is nothing but a banquet of bullshit. And, I don't think I'm the only person on the planet who realizes that. I may be one of the extreme few who will admit that, but I think it's the truth.

Sure, I've had my fair share of sexual encounters with other gay men but I was never promiscious and you wanna know why? This one might knock some of you off your chairs - because I cannot stand one-night stands! Most gay men - hell, most breathing, walking, living human beings on this planet for that matter - think nothing of it. They get all fancied up, hit the clubs, hook-up with someone, go somewhere and do the humpty dance, then wake up and get dressed and both parties go on their own seperate ways as if they never laid eyes on each other. Oh really? Not me.

Gidget-labelers, get ready. The several (yeah, really) one night stands I have experienced over my lifetime have all been identical in one regard - in every single instance I woke up the next morning not only feeling dirty and cheap, but I coulda sworn "Will You Love Me Tomorrow?" by the Shirelles was playing very low in the background somewhere, every single friggin time. I am a sane, rational, intelligent human being but for some reason, when I have sex with someone it not only taps into my physical energy but my emotional energy as well. My reaction is this - we just spent (whatever amount of time) enjoying each other's bodies and now you wanna throw me away like a stale bag of Doritoes?? Sorry, Homey don't play that way. And I don't.

Don't get me wrong, we are all human, we all have physical needs that we feel we need to fulfill and maybe I will yet encounter another few one-night stands or so in my life; but, I would much rather share my body and my sexual energy with someone whom I care about, especially if there is a genuine possibility that it could lead to something more than just a slam-bam-thank-you-Sir experience. And I don't care how friggin Pollyanna that sounds and you wanna know why? Simple - because I am the one who has to deal with the mixed emotions after you leave, not you. I'm the one who has to wonder "Will he really call?" as I stay up till 2 or 3 a.m. in the morning waiting for the phone to ring and trying to diffuse my tears with a pint of Ben & Jerry's Dublin Mudslide ice cream, not you. And, I'm the one who has to wonder "Couldn't he see beyond what we just did, that there is more to me that just that?" I'm serious about all of this but I can't help but hear some of you in the background exclaiming "Oh Gidget! Get a hold of yourself!!" (figuratively, not literally, sorry! lol).

On the other hand, I also find sex totally hilarious! I'm serious, when I think of all the sounds, exclamations and what-not I have heard over the years and how some people are extremely melodramtic before, during and after intimacy, I just cannot contain my laughter! Where is the "America's Best Home Videos" production staff when you need them?? There are a few examples of this....

Guys who talk dirty to you before and during sex....I'm sure we've all heard the lines before but they are the men who say "Oh yeah Baby, ya know I wanna do this-n-that to your hard, throbbing.....or ....hot, tight,......" and every time I just wanted to say "Why do you feel the need to narrate what you're going to do to my body? Aren't we here together right now, can't you just shut up and do it and let it go???" I mean it's like "WTF Sparky, WTF??" Or the ones who say "You like it when I do this-or-that to your hot.....dont you Baby?" And again, every time I wanted to say "Well yeah, if I didn't I dont think I'd be here right now, do you??" It just amazes me that people lose all sense of common rationality when it comes to moments of intimacy, ya know? I figure, just enjoy it and play it by ear. If I wanted a friggin narrater I woulda sought out Tom Brokaw or Brian Williams years ago!

Guys who make those sex sounds - oh that subject is a hoot! The ones that go really REALLY loud and go "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" or the perenniel announcement "I'M GONNA CUM, I'M GONNA CUM!!! I mean it's like "Well what do you want me to do about that?? Do I call the radio station and let them know, even though I am certain they can hear you from 10 miles away? Shall I Twitter it?? I mean c'mon Sparky, share with me, share with me!" I'll admit, when people are in the midst of a sexual frenzy, sounds and words come twittering out and that's fine but please, does it have to be so melodramatic that even the tv show "48 Hours" wants to investigate too?? I don't know, maybe it's just me.

Guys who are even MORE melodramtic than the above example...once I was with this guy who I met at a club, He was from outta town and was staying at one of the nicer local hotels. As usual, I didnt know if I should do it or not but I was young and thought "Oh well." So we got together and after we were done making out, he stripped and got into the bed and while I was undressing, all of a sudden I heard these "Ohhhhhhh! " sounds and I turned and looked at him and said point blank "But I haven't even gotten my clothes off yet! Are you sure there isn't someone else in the room with us right now? It is kinda dark in here...!" and OMG, he about blew a gasket and asked me to leave! I laughed so hard that night that I almost didnt make it to the bathroom and I thought to myself on the way home "That's justa shame that people have to behave that way, it really is!"

Guys with those PRICELESS facial expressions! My favorite is the guy who looks like he's lifting a refridgerator all by himself in your grandmother's kitchen, you know, face all red, beads of sweat everywhere, bottom teeth baring and his eyes halfway rolled up into the back of his head! Every time I wanted to say "Oh my God, we're just having sex Sweetheart, no one is expecting you to swim the English Channel or climb the friggin Himalayas!!" But they do, they really do, some guys just feel the need to make all kinds of facial expressions and I'm just one of those people who just can't keep a straight face when people do that, I really can't!

Or the ones who purse their lips afterwards and are breathing really REALLY heavily and say "Ohhhhhh" or "Ahhhhhh" afterwards and you just wanna say to them "I'm sorry that you're going through so much physical durress at the moment, may I get you a glass of water, perhaps a bottle of Gatorade?" I mean I've heard of sex being a real physical workout, but c'mon, one doesn't need to pretend they're in a friggin Nike commercial before, during and after. Damn, that too is a shame.

Bottom Line (no pun intended! see what I mean? we blondes can always entertain ourselves!) is this - when it comes to even casual sex with another human being, all I ask, all I desire, all I crave is just one thing - please, just be yourself - okay? That's it. I'm not impressed by various sounds, someone talking dirty to me, outrageous exclamations. If you wanna do that, please, go make a porno film cause those things simply do not impress me.

Oh, one other one....guys who expect a gold medal afterwards....you know, the type who say "Hey Baby, was that good enough for you? Did I do it just right??" to which every time I wanted to say "Well, you're still here, I haven't kicked you out of the bed and chances are I will probaly make you a plate of scrambled eggs in the morning, as well as some rich black coffee, so chances are everything worked out just fine Sparky!" 

Make no mistake, I'm not the type of person who is impressed by a person sexually, or how they make love to me, or how well they get me off - all I want to be impressed with is who they are as an individual. It really is that simple and that non-complicated. So many gay men out there think "Oh I gotta do this" or "I gotta do that" - no, no, no, you don't have to do anything, just relax, be yourself and let things happen naturally. Since when does sex, let alone intense foreplay, have to be so planned, so intricate?

One last thing on this subject (at least for now) - communication. Communicate with the other person who you are planning to be intimate with BEFORE intimacy. If more people would do this, I think the majority of us would have more positive sexual experiences versus damning horror stories. And without going into my song-n-dance routine about how important it is for us Hiv'ers and you non-Hiv'ers to disclose any and all STD's we have, let me put it to you all this way - practice safe-sex and protect yourself as if every person on this planet is Hiv+. I mean it. Thank you for reading and remember, if you're gonna play, please play safely, responsibly and maturely, okay? Love, Gidge :)

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

If You're Too Sick To Eat, These Suggestions Might Help - Saturday, June 26, 2010

Hiv/AIDS medications have changed tremendously since the late 1980's when I tested Hiv+. They're improving the average Hiv'ers quality of life as well as allowing most of us to live longer and fuller lives. This is beyond wonderful; however, there may be times when a person simply has adverse side effects caused by their meds which doesn't allow him/her to eat due to nautiousness and in some cases, tossing your cookies. We all know that when a person doesn't feel good, they just don't eat. It is normal for this disease (and so many others), it can be expected and you need to avoid all the psychological self-drilling that sometimes presents itself when this part of the disease manifests itself - if that happens to you, ignore it with all your might cause my friends, it's not you, it's not anything you are or aren't doing, it's the disease and/or meds thats doing it to us.

Naturally, the best place to go for nutritional do's and don'ts and the general guidelines when living with Hiv is your medical team. They should be able to guide you safely in this area. But, there is something that I need to share with you all that I have learned in the last 21 years - unless you need to avoid certain foods/nutritional supplements because of their possibe negative interaction with your Hiv meds, when you are feeling that sick, anything is worth trying at least once. We're talking about sustaining your body during what may be some of the most intense medical battles its ever encountered - wouldnt you agree that it's best to build up your inner armies and keep them as strong as possible?

For those times - and I pray they are as few as possible for each and every one of you - when you simply can't eat and you're losing a bit too much weight a bit too fast, there are a couple of things that I have personally used in the past, even during my chemo periods, that worked for me, that really helped me. There is no guarantee that they will work for you but if you feel you've tried every resort and dont know what else to try, perhaps these suggestions may be worth checking out.

Apricot Nectar. Some people are grossed out by it's thick, pulpy, overly-sweet flavor but if you even remotely like apricots and want to attempt to fill your stomach with something that is somewhere between a thick juice and solid food, this is the route to go. Drink it whichever way you feel comfortable. Myself, I like it best with no ice cubes or water in it and chilled extremely cold. To achieve this, simply put it into a freezer-safe container and let it set for about 20 to 30 minutes. Try to drink at least 2 to 3 small juice-glasses of it per day. Even on the days you feel it's simply impossible to eat, try to drink as much of it as you can. Remember, in addition to wanting to sustain your body's strength you also want to keep yourself hydrated as much as possible.

Ovaltine. Yes, a good, old-fashioned piece of American ingenuity that has been around since the early 1930's - and it still tastes and works just as well as it did back then. Take a look at the vitamin and mineral content in it - it will blow your mind how good it is for you. You would not believe how many international marathon runners pump themselves with this stuff at least 2 to 3 days before a major run. Drink it whichever way you feel comfortable, whether in a glass of cold milk or warm/hot like you would a mug of hot chocolate. Try to drink at least 1 to 2 glasses of it per day; but, here's the trick - in order for it to make a difference inside your stomach, such as coating the inner lining, as well as for stabalizing the stomach and possibly helping to add calories to your weight, you need to drink it with the highest milk-fat content possible. Take me as an example - I can't drink milk unless it has a bit of cream in it so I drink 2% milk; but, in the past when I've been really sick, I try to go with Whole Milk, again, just 1 to 2 glasses a day but more if you can handle it.

I won't lie to you, alot of your friends, and maybe even one or two members of you medical care team will tell you to stay on skimmed milk only but I ask you this - who the fuck is fighting to stabalize your stomach and make your body a bit stronger? That's right, you are. If you want to go the healthier/vegetarian route and use Soymilk or Ricemilk, go for it - it's whatever you feel comfortable with. But if you do choose either of those, at least promise yourself that you will try to drink as much of it as you can, okay? I'm not saying to drown yourself in it to the point where Ovaltine comes flying outta every opening of your body every time you fart, but try to drink at least 2 glasses of it each day if you possibly can.

Ovaltine Flavors. Naturally, that choice too is totally up to you as well. Here in the States, last month when I bought some, I noticed 3 flavors that all seem similliar but they are not: Classic, which is the original, is great but be careful because the malt ingredient in it is so high that it could upset your stomach even more. Sample a small glass and see what happens; Chocolate Malt, which is identical to the previous flavor only their is more of a chocolate base and not as much malt ingredient; finally, Rich Chocolate which more or less is a lighter version of the aforementioned two and made to rival, at least in consistency and flavor, other Ovaltine knock-offs such as Nestle Quick. Personally, I like the latter 2 flavors best, but the choice is yours.

Carnation Instant Breakfast drink is also a good substitute for real food when you can't eat, plus it comes in a variety of flavors. I won't lie to you, it doesnt taste as good as Ovaltine (in my opinion!) but it's lighter in tecture and hey, if you wanna try it and it works for you, all the more power to you.

Just one more word of caution on all of this - if you have a few health-nut friends in your life such as I do, they may suggest to you to put this-or-that powdered or liquid health supplement into the above suggestions - please do not do so until you have checked with a member of your health team first. You'd be extremely surprised how some of that alleged healthnut crap can knock your electrolyte armies into a bizarre tailspin and trust me, that is the last thing you need when you are fighting for control of your body. 

And please, I implore of you, if you have any hesitations whatsoever on trying out my suggestions, please consult your medical care team FIRST. I mean it. I'm sharing these tips with you guys because I don't want you to be sick, I don't want you to go through any of the ups-n-downs that veteran Hiv'ers like myself have gone through - my main wish/goal for you is to keep your body and your health as stable as is possible for as long as you possibly can. When it really boils down to it, I think that's what we all want. Hope these suggestions work for you and as always, thank you for reading.

Posted via email from HivSpice

Summertime Skincare Tips - Friday, June 25, 2010

Yeah, I know, I thought the same exact thing too when I sat down to write this piece but hey, the summertime is here and the majority of us are gonna be spending a lot of time outdoors at the various Pride events nationwide as well as traveling this summer, so in addition to packing our beach towels and sunglasses, let's not forget about packing our sunscreen either.

There are a million and one various skincare products out there to choose from but whichever ones you chose, please read the labels and make certain that the product(s) you are using have one or more of the following ingredients: zinc oxide, titanium oxide, Tinosorb, avobenzone or ecamsule. You've probaly already outfitted yourself with the kewlest summer outfits and shoes, so why not give your skin the best possible sun protection you can? And remember, wrinkles are not just a result of the natural aging process, more than 85% of them are caused by continual yearly sun damage to our skin, so if you wanna look great this summer, next summer and beyond, use your sunscreen.

How often you apply it is equally crucial. Apply at least 20 minutes before you go outside and then a 2nd time a half hour after you have been outside. After that you should be good to go for the rest of the day but remember to reapply whenever you come out of the water, take a shower, etc. And when it comes to SPF levels and protection from both UVB and UVA rays, it's best to use products that have at least an SPF 30+ rating.

As for sunglasses, try to buy the ones that have both UVB and UVA protection because it's equally important to protect your eyes while you're out-n-about in the summertime sun. Unless you have prescription-strength sunglasses, your best bet is to replace your sunglasses every year, which knowing how much some of us like to try on new sunglasses wherever we go, that shouldnt be a problem! Believe it or not, the most economical way to do this is simply go to Walgreen's or CVS, getta good pair for under $7, and then at the end of the summer discard and then go back the following spring and start all over again, because after all, just as with your skin, you wanna take as good care of your eyes as you possibly can.

Naturally, try to avoid getting sunburned as much as possible. If you're unsure how badly sunburned you are and if you're in a lot of pain then of course, contact your local doctor or dermatologist and get it checked out. But for those minor sunburns, a couple of pointers. First, do not use vinegar to treat your sunburned skin. I don't care how long this old-fashioned remedy has been in your family or how much you claim it works, never put vinegar on your sunburn because it has natural acids in it that can shock and damage the hell out of your skin, even worse than the sunburn itself, even without you feeling it. Yes, you can damage your skin cells without even knowing it. Second, don't use anything with menthol in it, such as Noxzema because it may feel good going on your skin but again, the menthol in certain skincare products can be more harmful than helpful to your skin. What you should put on your skin instead is either or both of the following - Aloe Vera Gel or Cocoa Butter lotion/cream.

Aloe Vera Gel is one of the most gentlest, non-pore clogging products you can use on your skin, both after a sunburn and really anytime of the year. It not only soothes and cools the skin but is one of the best all-natural ways to go. A little trick on how to use it - if you know you are gonna be outdoors most of the day, before you leave your home, put a bottle of it in your refridgerator and then when you come back home, God forbid you have any degree of sunburn, put some of that on it and the relief will blow your mind. It's good stuff, plain-n-simple.

Cocoa Butter products have got to be one of the best and most healing of all skincare products, not just for summertime use, but every day of the year use. When you get a minor sunburn and put Cocoa Butter lotion/cream on it, not only will it feel better but guess what? It not only shortens the duration of pain and actual redness but 8 times out of 10 your skin will turn a natural brown color and not even peel - no lie. There is some debate still that it can clog your skin's pores but if there is any validity to that it's very very minimal; but, as with any of my suggestions, the choice is yours.

Certain Melanomas can be fatal skin cancers so if you are a sun-bunny or have a family history of this disease, please do the responsible thing and get yourself tested annually by your dermatologist. I cannot stress that enough, even if your appointment happens to be during the summer or off-summer months, please get checked regularly for it because as with any disease both precautions and prevention can make all the difference in the world. It may even save your life.

In addition, for us Hiv'ers and for those who are battling cancer or any chronic disease, follow the suncare exposure guidelines your ID doctor, PCP and/or dermatologist recommends to you. This could make all the difference in the world when it comes to taking excellent care of yourself during the summer months. Remember, you must avoid sunlight when using certain medications so check with your medical care professional and/or pharmacist for questions regarding that.

And did you know that you can get sunburned even in the winter-time? Yes, the reflection of both UVA and UVB rays off of snow can give you a sunburn too! This is true for everyone but especially for cancer-survivors during the first 2 years after chemotherapy/radiation treatments. I didn't believe it either until it happened to me. That first summer I did great, avoided the sun as much as possible and still applied sunscreen just to be on the safe side; but, when one of my oncology nurses told me to wear it in the winter months too I thought she was whacked. Not so. On a day during that 1st winter I spent an hour sledding with my nieces & nephews and when I came in their house I looked like I had spent an hour on some sunny Miami beach!! No shit. So in all reality, not just from my experience, but mere common sense, it is safe and actually a good thing to wear sunscreen year-round if you are so inclined.

Not to sound like I'm pissin-n-moanin but due to my current situation I wont be spending much time outside this summer, but you can bet that every chance I get to sit out on the front stoop and get some fresh air and a bit of sunshine, that's where I will be; but, not without applying sunscreen first. Try to get into that habit as much as you can this summer and every summer; after all, shouldn't taking care of ourselves be a daily commitment regardless of the season? Thanks for reading and have a fun, safe summer everyone :)

 

Posted via email from HivSpice

A Wonderful Discovery - Thursday, June 24, 2010

Tonight I wasnt even gonna write in this blog, I was actually going to sit in a dark corner of my tiny apartment and laugh silently to myself because when you have a day like I had today, baby, sometimes that as good as it gets. Really. Trouble in my Wanting-To-Walk-Normal Paradise. The last couple of days both myself and my visiting nurses noticed that my LEFT leg, not the healing RIGHT leg, looked kinda puffy. So this morning when I woke up and noticed it was downright swollen I said to myself "Rutrow." Got on the phone with my PCP and she said "You better get over to the ER" to which I responded "Okaayyyyy" and also, looking up at the ceiling "If this is your way of showing sarcasm, I really don't appreciate it!" So, off I went and I didnt get back here till around 4 p.m. or so - another whole day of my life spent in the friggin ER. But, at least there is something to be thankful for - no blood clots! Yes!!! I thought that since the last one was back in spring, 1999, in between chemo cycles 1 & 2 that I would never have to be concerned with that again, but not so. They still dont know what is causing the swolleness but IF it hasn't subsided in a few more days, then back I go for another ultra-sound. 

Naturally, my physical therapy was canceled for today but I didnt really mind because the weather here in Boston today was horrible! Felt like 100 out there and plus raining all day, off-n-on, depending on what part of town you were in. When I returned home, one of the other tenants in the complex, a nice elderly lady and her nephew were talking in the hallway and they asked how I was doing and if they could get me anything. I stopped and paused and thought for a moment. I'm not an anal retentive cleanholic but I do like to sort through stuff and organize it, pitch out the old, and keep the good stuff without becoming a major packrat. So I told them if one of them wouldn't mind grabbing a thing or two for me outta my tiny storage space, that would be beyond wonderful. Her nephew, a very nice 30-something man, retrieved a couple shoeboxes and an old round, skyblue Samsonite suitcase that my Great-Grandmother used in the 1950's and early 60's when she traveled between here and the old country, Sweden. It was given to me by my Grandma who had planned on throwing it out but when I saw it I thought "Oh I must have this!" That was back around 1982 or '83.

So he brought the items into my tiny living room for me and I thanked him for all his help and both he and his aunt wished me a good night and told me to give a ring if I needed anything. With the exception of medical appointments and neighbors from my old neighborhood visiting me, it's been really hard for me being housebound. I get lonely a lot. So I do what I always do in the face of any degree of adversity - I keep busy. It truly is one of the healthiest things in the world for a person. Hey, having a lazy day or two is healthy for the human soul too but 4 to 6 weeks worth of that? No way, not for me.

The shoeboxes had some old letters and cards from various family members in them, as well as teeny tiny mementos of places I've been, old Red Sox ticket stubs, and crap like that. Just as I was about to open the little suitcase I remembered that years before I had placed some old letters and old family photos in it, sorta like its own safebox but for personal memento stuff, nothing super super important - or so I thought. Because when I opened it, I not only found something I wasnt expecting, I also came across 2 surprises hidden within the treasures I found! It's actually difficult to write about this because I still can't believe it, I just can't believe it! I almost want to consider it a miracle...

Remember the mystery man from "Him?" I FOUND THE LETTERS, I FOUND THEM!!! The last 15 years or so I naturally assumed they were in my teeny, tiny, itty, bitty storage unit that I have in western Ohio. Not so. I feel so damn embarassed. Why if I had even one good leg right now I'd definitely kick myself in the ass for not remembering that they were even with me! I truly thought I had put those away last time I was back west; but, obviously I didnt. And it hit me why - these letters may be almost 20 years old but I kept my promise - I told him I'd always keep them close to my heart. And I did, I kept my promise. I could just pinch myself for not investigating all of this earlier, I really could. But that's not all.

For the last few months or so, I've been so damn worried in the back of my mind about anyone discovering the letters I sent to him. Reality hit hard, because the last time I wrote about him I actually did come cross a note stating this his papers had been located and people were going through them. The first 20 minutes after reading that note, I was a mess. Instantly horrible thoughts exploded in my mind and I thought to myself "Houston...? We have a problem....." A good life lesson we need to keep in our forefront thoughts regardless of the situation - never worry about things you have no control over, just go with the flow. Wish I had practiced that months ago versus waisting some valuable life energy worrying about those letters..

Surprise #1 - those letters were written in code. No fucken shit! I just looked through every single one of them that he sent to me and guess what? There is no frriggin way that anyone can trace those letters to me. And I dont mean secret code like the codes they used in WW II - the actual wording, things that only he and I would know about- and the best part of all - the name. My real name wasn't on any one of those letters. And I now, finally, remember why we wrote in our own secret code. We both knew that if our letters were intercepted by any of the nosey reporters that would lurk around the places he lived, people would really take everything the wrong way. When we knew each other and spent time together, our lives were very different - he was a nationally known person and I was in the process of finshing my education, dealing with the loss of Jack and so on. I remembered what was in the letters - it's all there - but I had literally forgotten about our code. 

I feel like shouting this all from the mountaintops! And not just for any selfish reasons on my part either - no one, not now, and not even way into the future, will ever be able to use what he and I had against his memory, whether to defame it or even to celebrate it, our private friendship with each other is not only safe, but it will continue to remain private because that's what we both wanted. It's totally safe. It's untraceable in every sense of the world. My real name isn't on the letters. And as for HivSpice, hell, the name wasn't created until a few years after he passed away. What about Jack's real name? That's covered too - do you know how many millions of men across this great country, hell, the entire friggin planet for that matter, share his first name? It's virtually fool-proof.

Surprise #2 - this one brings a combination of tears and laughter to me because it explains a couple of things about our friendship that I couldn't totally piece together until I discovered it earlier this evening. In one of the last 3 letters that he wrote to me before he died he told me something that I had totally forgotten about all these years. For months now I have read notes stating that this person or that person remembers doing this-n-that with him, or that this famous person and that famous person was part of his life. Well, I was right - he did tell one of those people about me! But that's not all - I won't say the guys name, but oh my God, when I read that name out loud to myself tonight I said to myself "No one is ever gonna fucken believe me." And, ironically so, maybe that's not sucha bad thing.

No, I won't reveal his friend's name either but now one more piece of the puzzle has come into full view. I'll reveal this much. I remember him telling me that if his friend ever needed help that he would like it if I would be there for him. A promise is a promise to me so I will keep that promise. But, I had forgotten - until I re-read it at least 7 times earlier tonight - he requested the same promise from his friend; in other words, if I ever needed him, I could go to him as well.

If you could just even hear my wheels turning right now. If anyone reading this blog now or a long time from now, even knew who the friend was, there would never ever again be one question in regards to validating who and what I man - not one. People would see his name and their mouthes would remain shut. I'm not kidding. And remember that one piece I wrote about how I think a couple of my fellow Hiv/AIDS activist contemporaries are nothing but publicity whores seeking fame and to line their own pockets? Let me tell you something - I always stand on my own two feet and fight my own battles, but when I think about how those hypocrites infuriate the living hell out of me, I would just love to ask this man to confront them! Isn't that evil? I'm sorry, but I have zero tolerance for arrogance and hypocrisy in any human being and boy, if anyone could knock down a couple of those people a few notches, he could. But, I refuse to be petty like that - besides, at the speeding rate a couple of my contemporaries are traveling at, they will slit their own throats in due time.

As for me, I'm gonna be okay. Let others make a profit off of the mystery man's name if they like, but I refuse to because I cared about him and respected him. Like I mentioned in a previous piece, he and I connected at a point in both of our lives when we both needed some private, unconditional friendship to pull us through. I can truthfully speak for both of us when I tell you all that neither of us had any regrets. But one other thing I need to make crystal-clear right here and right now - the love I had for Jack and the love I had for the mystery man may have been two different kinds of love, but my devotion and loyalty to both was and is the same exact thing. Just as I will not allow anyone to defame the memory of Jack, I will not allow anyone to defame the mystery man either.

Before I close this piece, I just wanted to say that yeah, maybe some of you already know who the mystery man is, fine, whatever; but, you gotta be able to prove and we both know you cant. The only way on this Earth anyone could do that is by matching up the letters I have with the letters that are in his papers and trust me, that's just not gonna happen.

In closing, I'd like to say that after tonight, I not only feel more secure about myself as an individual, I actually feel invincible about it in certain ways. As much as I do mention how often a word such as validation means to me, I'm not going to be concerned about what others think from this day forward. Oh sure, if someone blows smoke up my ass the wrong way I will blow it back, only twice as hard; but, no longer will I allow anyone to question my validity. As for some of the fears mentioned in previous postings, let me put it to you this way - HivSpice and I are one, and even though I can take care of myself, it's nice to know that like everyone else I have a special Guardian Angel too, someone who is never more than an email or phonecall away. And when I do finally reveal my true identity? Let's just say I'm never gonna be afraid again. Thank you for reading.

Posted via email from HivSpice

This-N-That: Thoughts & Reflections - Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Before I even get into writing this piece I will admit right upfront that I am feeling extremely awkward about it because it will be the 1st time that any of my blog postings will be "autoposted." Most people would think "Hey, no big deal, just do it" ; however, I do feel it's a big deal because the bulk as well as majority of the postings that entail some of the most pivotal periods of my life are located in my previous postings that haven't been autoposted. My hope is that my readers will not only continue to read my most recent entries but they will somehow be influenced to explore my previous postings as well. 

Perhaps there is a way to autopost the older postings, but I'll be damned if I know how to do it! This Posterous.com business is a neverending learning experience filled with great occassional frustration for me! And of course there is always someone out there who say's "Oh it's easy, no problem!" Well 'ole Spice has a few things to say about that. First, if it was that easy, dont you think I would have been able to load my Spice logo on this damn site by now? Second, if it's that "easy" then it should be equally "easy" for you to get off your ass, come over here and help me with it, shouldnt it? Third, if it were that "easy" dont you think every motherfucker (pardon me) on the internet would automatically be moving their blogs over to Posterous.com? There's this one guy, he's a real sweetheart (and really cute too, omg if he was single I'd tell him to bring it on home, baby...) who's been a tremendous help and who has provided me with a neverending wealth of information - this section of this post is NOT directed towards him, it's directed towards the 5 to 7 other people who have personally private messaged me about posterous.com.

Bottom line - and then I'll stop bitching about it, at least for now - I'm the type of person that if you are going to share a piece of helpful, valuable information with me, you need to SHOW me how to use that information. It really is that simple. But if you don't do that, guess who keeps circling the airport and never brings it in for a landing?? You guessed it, yours truly. Onto business.....

When it comes to humor, I've always believed in and practiced the theory that if you can't laugh at yourself, you can't laugh at anything. It's very true, but most people don't agree with that because they have this pseudo-1970's belief that by laughing at yourself you are making fun of yourself. Nothing could be further from the truth. If you have the maturity and security to laugh at yourself while others are laughing with you, what is harmful in that? And if people are laughing at you, oh my God, why is that sucha crime when your end result is to make people laugh anyways? The only time humor is "bad" is when people make fun of you in order to hurt your feelings or mock you as a person; but, in that case you dont keep telling jokes, you tell them to knock it off. Yeah, the distinction really is that clear.

Be that is it may, the English don't know what to make of me; and, I find that both funny and perplexing at the same time. As most of you know by now, I am not the missing Spice Girl; but, arent the Spice Girls originally from England? And since the English have dealt with names like PoshSpice (you're great Victoria but you will never beat Kylie Minogue, both fashion and music-wise, sorry Honey) and SportySpice, what's the big leap of faith to entertain the notion of HivSpice? Without sounding sarcastic, is there something I am missing here? And I realize that when people see this name, they quite logically don't know if I am an individual with a cause or a spice company that employs only Hiv+ individuals to process and market its products, I get all that, I really do, but there is one thing I don't like - being referred to as an inanimate object such as "it."

I do indeed have a sense of humor, I know that people will make fun of me because of my name just like they did back in the mid 1990's, and again, I can handle that; but, when you declassify me from human status into being non-human I consider that unacceptable behavior; and, I will not tolerate it. The same goes for people who make fun of this name just for the helluva it - by them doing that they are saying "It's okay that all those rotten things happened to you"; well, it's not okay and that I wont tolerate that either - trust me.

The other day, a very minute incident involving someone who didn't know who or what I was happened and though I highly doubt the other person involved will ever read this blog, I did not write this section in deference to her. I'm writing this all now because her innocence regarding the matter inspired me to set the record straight on this issue. I don't know her personally but she comes across as a lovely human being and I hope I have the honor of getting to know her better.

Let me see, what else..oh yesterday, a friend of mine messaged me and told me about some stuff he heard about Canada and naturally I said to him my classic "Are you fucking kidding me, for real??" As some of you may recall, in the last few months I've become somewhat fascinated by America's next door neighbor and have entertained the thought of visiting there regularly, hopefully starting towards the end of this year or early next year. Beyond checking that great land out, I haven't ever really thought of actually relocating there; but, if what my friend said is true, if I ever were to consider doing that I dont know if I would ever be in a position to actually do so.

Something to the effect that you have to have a ton of bookoo bucks, like around $40,000 (sorry, like every American, especially now, I have debts too) a good amount of education (that's covered, a double BA on my part) and you have to speak 2 languages, one of the two being English or French. Naturally, I'm well-versed in English and the only other foreign languages I know are bits and pieces of Swedish and Dutch from my family elders; so, I would have to learn French or improve my skills on speaking Swedish I guess.

There are 2 other avenues. You can have a group of friends who are already Canadian citizens petition for your citizenship but that can be a long, red-taped process. Can you just imagine how that would go down? I can see it now...we're all standing on the border and the Canadian officials are saying to my friends "You wanna petition who???"..."HivSpice"...."Oh, a musician??...to which I would then pull a kitchen spicerack out of my backpack and following the visual demonstration, I would most likely hear the words "What is THAT between Fennel and Marjoram??" Sorry, I just don't know how realistic that method would be in my particular circumstances. It's something I would have to research more in-depth, ya know?

The final option is - and I love this because I treasure Canada's liberalism - marriage to a Canadian. But even that route is something that would have to be handled delicately and with a great deal of patience. After all, you really don't get to know someone until you either have lived with them or have taken a 2-week road trip with them - the latter is always an extreme safe bet - if you both survive that without wanting to slamdunk each other onto the concrete then chances are it's gonna work. It's true, I'm not kidding you. Besides, at this current point in time (I mean that literally) there are only 3 men in Canada right now that I would even consider pursuing that route with - one still doesn't validate that I exist and the other 2 are happily involved/married to their current partners - and, I hope they stay that way because I want all my friends to be happy and in love; plus, HivSpice is not a homewrecker, never have been, never will be. 

In closing, I don't know the name of the person whom my friend spoke with about the Canadian immigration issue but I would like to offer a note of thanks for the information. Myself? I shall continue to keep an open mind about Canada until I have just cause to think otherwise. Besides, some of the Facebook friends I have who live there I already consider part of my extended family - and I don't think they'd ever mislead me. Thanks for reading these thoughts and reflections of mine. The next piece will have a more central theme - I hope :)

 

Posted via email from HivSpice

On Self-Defense - Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Yes, I too never thought in a million years I'd ever be writing on this subject; however, a fellow Hiv/AIDS activist posted a tiny snippet in regards to a growing increase of physical attacks/hate crimes against members of the Canadian LGBT community on his homepage yesterday and I felt compelled to write about this. God, I hope I am not the only person who saw that. I've been so intent on journalizing my own experiences, as well as trying to stay on top of the gazillion postings in regards to the Hiv/AIDS situation and international Pride celebrations that I haven't thought much about the issue of hate crimes lately. We all need to stay on top of this issue people.

I don't know what internet resources, magazines, organizations, etc., in Canada monitor this stuff but I do remember when I had an actual paper subscription to The Advocate, the editors at one time - back in the mid 80's or so - would report on any and all such incidences in almost every issue, i.e., continual updates in every single issue, no if's-and's-or-but's.

The source on that particular posting looked like Edge magazine out of New York. I realize that the Canadians are very taken with what goes on in New York City as much as the Americans are but c'mon, aren't there any Canadian watchdog groups keeping an eye on anti-LGBT violence over there? It's a big country, so someone has to be monitoring this kinda stuff, they just have to.

Regardless, here's what we're gonna do. I'm going to share with you one of the best self-defense actions on the planet and then explain the pro's and con's (there arent many on this one folks) of it with you. No, this does not mean I'm an expert, just sharing with you what I know and have experienced. My father was a US Marine, circa 1955-1956, and I don't know if they still teach this one in the Marines or not, but I've had to use it only twice in my life and it worked perfectly each time. Remember, I do NOT advocate physical violence of any kind, both towards others as well as the animal kingdom; but, when it boils down to it, if you're fighting against someone to preserve your life, this just might help you.

If someone is attacking you - to rob, rape or kick the stuffing out of you - you need to hit with your fists/hands - doesnt matter if its up, down, sidewys - their throat and neck area with as much might as is humanly possible from the strength of your own body. Doesn't matter what section, you hit their throat and neck area with everything you got - is this understood?

Do not think about how much or how badly you will harm the other person. Why? Do you honestly think they are worried about how much they are going to harm you?

The reason for this action of self-defense is this - you want to disable your attacker, if it means knocking the wind out of them, injuring their throat area, it doesn't matter - your goal IS to knock the wind out of them so that you can escape to safety. Dont you dare for one second think of the moral conscience issue when you are fighting for your life cause if you do you just may very well be pushing up daisies the next day. It doesn't matter how bad your attacker is injured, again, you need to disable the other person and do your best to reach safety. Remember, your attacker isnt going to be thinking about what the end result is from them harming you so why should you be concerned with harming them? You're not, you're protecting yourself - it's that plain and simple.

This method works. I've had to use it twice in my life - once during middle school when I was being bullied and a 2nd time as an adult when a couple of guys at a bar in Long Beach, CA tried cornering me in the bathroom.

I endorse this method because it worked for me based on my own personal experiences. In the event that you're attacker is armed or carrying a concealed weapon such as a knife or a gun, then I recommend you check with your local law enforcement center or local LGBT community center to see how those places suggest you handle the situation. Actually, I could even tell you how to handle those scenarioes too but in this instance, with my luck at least, I'd give you guys the advice, someone would attempt it and then some night while I'm writing in this blog an angel with wings would appear over my left shoulder and say "Spice, you fucker, look what happened!!!" Trust me, it could happen only to me people, only to me.

In closing, please, I implore of all of you this - if you're going somewhere by yourself or even with a couple friends, and the immediate vicinity is questionable in nature, please communicate with friends and family where you're going, what the game-plan is and arrange a time to communicate with each other, okay? We can't fight for all the causes we believe in or spend quality time with those we care about if we don't take care of our own personal safety first, okay? Thank you for reading.

Reflections On "Retribution" - Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Any experienced sea captain, of any vessel, of any waterway or ocean, will tell you one of the cardinal rules of safety-at-sea is to never, ever expose your broadside to danger. This applies to every vessel afloat thousands of years ago and even to those that have yet to be imagined and built into present and future reality. This is one angle where man-made objects such as ships and human beings actually have something in common.

When I wrote "Retribution" (Parts 1 & 2) I took a giant chance of risking a tremendous backlash from not just you readers but any members of the general public who might stumble upon it and read it. But now, looking back in retrospect, I still know in my heart and soul it was the right thing to do. Carrying that weight around me all these years, and on top of what I most recently went through with my health, it was just too much. We all feel on some level that we are invincible towards the harsh realities of life but not so - I needed to get rid of that baggage and am I ever glad I did.

It's only been several days now, there still could be some kind of backlash but I'm not afraid anymore because the truth has been recorded, it is validated and most of all, I received exactly what I was working towards via the title of the piece - retribution.

My reflections...a couple of readers have graciously messaged me directly and shared with me that the degree of love, as well as protectiveness, that I had/have towards Jack was just astounding, that those feelings of unconditional love really came through in the piece. I am both flattered and honored by such comments and if Jack were here, I think he would feel the same way. But I've also noticed that there is an Achilles Heel on this issue that needs to be addressed.

Yes, I did love that man with my entire heart-n-soul; but, everyone needs to realize that as much as I did (and still do) love him, that doesn't mean that I can't love like that again - I can and hopefully I will. That love that others have complimented me on is something that I can have for the next special guy that enters in my life. No one should make the assumption or mistake that I could never love anyone the way I loved Jack because not only would I never compare anyone to him, but every individual is different - and that truly is why the world is sucha fantastic place to be.

I will not become involved with someone and use Jack as a measuring gauge against another person because when I do fall in love, it's not because of "Let's see, Jack did this and you do that" or "I dont know, that's not the way Jack did it." Not only is that wrong and demeaning towards another individual but that kind of behavior undermines the whole purpose of a relationship - to love and care for someone because of the person they are. I, HivSpice, as well as I, under my real identity (in case you havent figured it out, it's just one person here folks, none of that Joanne Woodward/Sybil crap going on!) will only fall in love with someone because of who they are, and for no other reason than that.

I hope we're all clear on that now! Another reflection...what I went through doesnt make me a better-than-anyone-else person than any other LGBT or Hiv'er, or any human being for that matter, out there. It may make me a better and stronger person based on my own personal pluses/pitfalls as a human being, as well as validates both my existence and the truth of the subject material, but that's all. I'm sure there's many of you out there who have experienced just as traumatic or intense situations, if not worse, in your lives, than I have. I just happen to be one of those people who believes that by talking about it and sharing our experiences with others, we can make a difference in our lives as well as (hopefully) a difference in the lives of others.

Most people I know, both in real life and the internet, know that I am looking or hoping to find someone special again in my life. And though I do try to be careful to not overexplain myself, the bottom line is this - psychologically, yes, I am both 100% fit and totally capable of loving someone else.

As for my protectiveness over Jack, it wasnt just because of what we were going through as a couple, when I state that I am protective over those whom I love and care about, whether it be a life partner, a friend, a family member, I mean it. If someone looks at you a certain way or says something not-so-pleasent to you, will I flip out? Hell no. When I care about anyone, I respect their boundaries and their space; and, I figure - at least in most cases - they are old enough and mature enough to handle their own situations and/or battles on their own. But, unless I'm told specifically not to, if I'm hanging out with you and someone comes along and causes you an unmeditated personal attack, chances are I'm probaly gonna open my mouth, just so you know! I lived in so many different places across the country while growing up that you had to develop a tough shell if you wanted to survive; and, I guess that's what I did. As always, thank you for reading.

Retribution (Part 2) - Sun., June 13, 2010

It doesnt matter who or what you are as a human being, when you die, you have every right in this world to die at Peace. I'm serious, don't you dare ever let anyone tell you anything different. Total and utterly complete Peace and closure towards all the events of your life, both good and not-so-good. They say no one can ever take that away from you; but, I'm here to tell you that "they" are wrong. Just as we have no guarantees that our lives are gonna turn out great, there are no guarantees that our lives are going to end in total peace either.

"Jack" isn't his real name - that is something I will reveal when I personally know the time is right; however, for the prevention of confusion in this blog, I will refer to him as "Jack."

When someone you love is dying, especially when it's someone you originally planned to spend the rest of your life with and grow old with, you become extremely protective over the other person, over their basic human rights and especially towards their wishes during whatever precious time you two have left together. And you know in your heart that you are going to personally do whatever it takes to make sure they are comfortable, to make sure they know how loved they are because although you spend every day watching them getting sicker and weaker, and thinner, you can still make mutual eye contact with them and know that after all is said and done, you'd still conquer the world for them.

My Jack was denied the right to die in Peace because the horrible memories of that meeting haunted him till the day he died. Can anyone even begin to imagine the heartbreak it can (it did) cause to not be able to give the person you loved more than anything in the world their last wish? His right to die in 100% total piece was robbed from him. It was wrong. Nothing I could say or do could change that, all I could do was exactly what I did do - love him unconditionally.

What about my anger and resentment towards what happened? For those times when I get weak in my own life, I look back - once in awhile - and ask myself "What could I have done different? Was there anything humanly possible that I could have done better?" And I remind myself - even with being a very mature near-23 year old, I wasn't much older than a kid and I took on people who were much older and more experienced about life than myself, and I did the best I truly could. And I think it's true - I truly don't know anyone else who could've done a better job than I did in defending and protecting Jack. And the funny thing of it all is that none of it was planned, not even my speech that day - the adrenalin raised, my mouth opened and the words flowed out like manna from Heaven - no shit! All I was back then was a simple young man who happened to fall head-over-heels in love with a guy who blew my world right off the map, I had no idea that things would turn out the way they did.

Nothing I say or do can bring him back, but he will always live in my heart. That reminds me, I've been asked this question several times in the last couple of months so allow me to answer it with a story. In one of "The Golden Girls" episodes, Sophia is a real stinker and pulls a horrible joke on Rose when she receives a ring from her boyfriend Miles. Towards the end of the episode Sophia comes somewhat clean of her horrible prank and when Rose answers a question she more or less states that she thinks her deceased husband would want her to accept the ring because her boyfriend can love her in a way that her deceased husband cant right now. And that's exactly how I feel about Jack. He knows how much I still love him; but, I also know that he would want me to be happy and if that meant meeting someone special again in my life, I think he would be okay with that. I know he would. He was a good, decent man.

Is there anything I want from the world in regards to one of the most traumatic experiences of my lifetime? Not really. Wait. Yeah, there is one thing I would like to request. From this day forward, unconditionally, I want any and everyone who reads this blog to promise both me and themselves that the next time they read a story about this-or-that wonderful organization - regardless if it's in the mainstream press or gay press - that you have the intelligence and common sense to realize that not every story you read is the full story. That's not asking too much from anyone, is it, really?

Do I have any revengeful feelings today? Being venegeful means being hateful, at least in my book, and I dont know about the rest of you but I have no room in my life for hatred, grudges, any of that negative stuff. All I have room for is a good attitude, doing my best to make it through the not-so-good times and living life as fully as I can with the circumstances of my overall life situation. I'm not ever ever going to give up on life or fighting this disease, because I firmly believe that we all are here for a reason. Jack did too.

As for that reporter, the rage that his cruel, heartless affront against both Jack and I caused was something that took me years to get over. For the longest time I wanted to be like Sly Stallone in one of his Commando movies and track him down and rip out his esophoghaus with my bare hands and say to him as he was bleeding to death in front of me "Mind if I use this for a jumprope, Motherfucker???" Yep, that woulda been revenge alright but that would not have brought Jack back. As I said before, the best revenge is to live as happy and as full a life as you possibly can.

And if I ever ran into him today, in the year 2010 and beyond? Hell, to be honest guys, I don't even know if he's alive but that one-in-a-million chance I ever would run into him I think I know what I would say. "Remember what you said to Jack and I the last time you saw us two? Well, he couldn't respond to you then and he can't now. But I did back then and I will again right now" and I would do one of the most severe - yet most symbolic - acts you can do to another human being - I would simply spit on him and walk away. Immature? No, most certainly not - I was there, I lived it.

Now that I have revealed one of the truths of my real life existence, I can tell you right now, there will be some naysayers who will come out against me, or even people who will demonstrate the gall to say "You're making this up!" If after reading everything I have just said, if anyone out there feels that way about me, or even has the slightest nerve to insinuate such a heinous lie I have only this to say - thank God, thank the Universe, thank whatever you believe in that you are implying such unjustifiable slander from beind the safety of a mere computer screen. No one on this entire planet will ever again defame my deceased lover's name, nor mine, ever ever again. I mean it. Cause I'm not some scared, defenseless near-23 year old kid anymore, I've grown up. But I haven't forgotten.

Retribution is a very important word because it's meaning has so many different, varying degrees. This posting is a perfect example of that. Why? Because I've done it - by sitting in front of this computer screen and telling you the reader, whoever and wherever you are, you now not only know the full truth, but you know my truth. I have achieved retribution. And no one on this earth, ever again, will take that away from me. Throw any mud you want because it's just gonna roll off my back and you wanna know why? Because today I have cleansed my soul and guess what? It feels damn near spectacular! So much so that I wish I could share with all of you even a half of an ounce of the sense of the relief I am experiencing this very moment. Consequences and fallout are words meant to scare people and why in Heavens should I be scared? I told the truth - and that my friends, can truly set you free. I'd like to close now...

My name is HivSpice and my deceased lover who died of AIDS in October, 1989, was one of the many trial lawyers who did the best he could and his damnest to make certain that justice was served for the murders of both Harvey Milk and Mayor George Moscone, as well as making certain that Dan White was put into jail. This is his legacy and please make no mistakes, I will honor it and I will defend it, you can depend on that. Thank you for reading.

Retribution - (Part 1) Sun., June 13, 2010

It's strictly coincidental that I originally began writing this piece on the opening day of Boston's 2010 Pride festival. I've been debating about it left-n-right for almost 2 months now. A few people have told me "Don't do it, keep your mystique intact, you want people to keep reading." True, I do want people to keep reading my blog; but, by the same token, this blog is for me, it's very theraputic for me. Hopefully folks will be interested enough to keep on reading but hell, with every other Tom/Tamia, Dick/Delia and Harry/Harriet on the internet creating their own blog, well, it's understandable why and how folks lose touch with it. I have no hard feelings towards anyone who stops reading this blog, I only wish those folks well and hope that my experiences may have in some small way helped on their lifepaths.

No one has ever told me to reveal anything that I didn't want to. The best advice I have ever received from anyone was from an actual blog follower, Ramone. He said to just be myself and fuck what everyone else thinks. And he's right. I don't know how this piece is gonna turn out and though I usually don't dedicate my postings to any particular individual, I'd like to say this - I don't know what's gonna happen, if anything, after I write this but Ramone, this one is for you and for keeping the faith in me, especially when I questioned it within myself. Thanks.

Oh and one other thing - I am in total and full control of my mental faculties as I write this posting. Unlike some folks, even when I'm in severe physical pain I cant stand that feeling of being constantly drugged up, I'd rather be alert and aware of what's going on around me and deal with some of the pain/discomfort than be in what I call a drug-induced stupor.

The current Harvey Milk Foundation that has been very visual in some of our Facebook newsfeeds is a commendable, extraordinary organization that is making both an undeniable difference as well as a positive contribution in the lives of the international LGBT community, as well as with us Hiv'ers. I could never emphasize this enough, point blank, they do damn good work.

But long ago, many years before this current Harvey Milk Foundation was even born, an attempt at creating an organization virtually identical to it went very awry. In April, 1988, in the South San Francisco Bay area, a few of the trial lawyers who worked on the George Moscone/Harvey Milk murder trial, as well as several local philanthrophists, newspaper reporters and private citizens held a private, informal meeting to discuss forming an organization that would champion the civil rights - more like basic human rights - of all Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered people. The key emphasis here is the word "all."

But the meeting was very tumultous at best, as well as a disaster unto its own right. The entire group of (what was thought or presumed at the time at least) intelligent, rational, open-minded, even compassionate, ladies and gentlemen could not agree on one single word - inclusive. And here's where all the contention began. Some of those present at that meeting stated that the word "Transgendered" should be included; but, in name only. Their argument - more like absurdity when I look back on it - was this - how can we champion the rights of everyone when certain contingents of our various peoples are considered "freaks?" Freaks? No human being is a freak (well, maybe some of the Republicans are). That wasn't the point then and it's not the point now. Lesson #1: God doesn't create garbage. Lesson #2: God don't like ugly. Lesson #3: Inclusive means you accept EVERYONE, not just certain people. Oh but it get's better...

When one of the lawyers, as well as his life partner, suggested including a division of the organization which would specifically handle the needs and welfare of members of the Hiv/AIDS community, they were voted down. In 1988 the AIDS epidemic worldwide was still very overwhelming to say the least - how could any single person from that group of a dozen-some people even think of excluding anyone with Hiv/AIDS especially when a few of the people present at that meeting, as well as their friends, lovers and even family members, were directly affected by this disease was (and still is) beyond my entire human comprehension of the universe. How could any such unfathomable, inhumane sentiment exist in a group of people that contained some of the Bay area's most influential LGBT people of that era? Even to this day, in June of 2010, I still cannot fathom the depths of their hypocrisy and lack of compassion for their fellow humankind. Though I never knew either gentlemen personally, from what I do know about them, both Harvey Milk himself, as well as Mayor Moscone, neither would ever have tolerated such intolerance, this I know in my heart to be sound and true.

One of the reporters who was present that day had the audacity to say directly to the
aforementioned trial lawyer and his partner "What are you two? A couple of whores to the AIDS crisis?" Yeah, can you believe it? A few of those present who were allegedly the Bay Area's gay and lesbian movers & shakers of their time just stood there and did nothing. The soundwaves and mortal shock of that one single statement felt like a deep knife-stab directly into the human soul, there is no other way on this earth to describe it. But, it did prove an old addage true, that I personally never experienced until that infamous meeting - you could have heard a pin drop. Before I tell you what was said in return, I forgot to mention to you that that particular trial lawyer at the time of that meeting was suffering from Pneumysistis Carinni and Shingles, just to name a couple of his then current ailments. And, was also on oxygen because he could barely breath. Just the kind of thing that someone whom was literally halfway-dead and fighting for his life needed to hear, don't you think?

The partner of the lawyer, barely 23 years old, stood up from his seat at the elegantly, polished, oval mahoghany table and said very calmly, very emphatically and very firmly, "You bastard. You're lower than an animal because an animal wouldn't do to their own kind what you've done to me and mine. As God as my witness from this day forward I pray that every single human being who passes you on the street vomits at the sight of your face, that children in strollers scream at the sight of your presence and that everything you touch turns into dirt." There were mild gasps and clearly audible murmurs during the exchange, the rustling of loose papers being shuffled into leather briefcases followed by the laywer motioning to his partner that it was time to go. And that's exactly what they did, together, with dignity, they got up and walked out.

I still remember what the two were wearing that day...the lawyer with his light blue oxford shirt, navy blue sweater, beige Dockers, mahoghany penny loafers, thinning, semi-wavy, dark brown hair, green eyes that you could've sworn were personally created by some emerald miner, they truly shined through it all, they really did; and, that damned oxygen tank he carried around. I can still hear him saying in a low hush when his partner inquired "It's okay Honey, it's just part of my outfit." And the partner...I remember him very clearly too...a white Izod jersey shirt, navy blue Dockers, brand new shiny black penny loafers...and blonde hair, shoulder-length, not toe-head, not yellow-blonde, but the most complimentary hue between the two...and blue eyes that more than once saw the words mouthed "You wonder why I fell in love with you? It's those baby blues Honey, every single time, it's those baby blues." I remember.

Originally I didn't think this piece would be longer than one posting, but how could it not be? In telling their story, I am also telling mine. Thank you for reading.

Post-Surgery Post (Say Fast 5 Times In A Row!) - Friday, June 11, 2010

I did it. I made it through!!! My surgery was a success and though the pain is extremely intense and irritating a good amount of the time, I am so thankful to God and the Universe that I am here, this very moment writing in this blog! Before I go any further, I'd like to personally thank all the people who sent me good wishes during this very intense situation in my life and to let each and every one of you know that your moral support was greatly appreciated. I have been extremely blessed in that regard and I can't thank you all enough.

A special note of thanks to my cousin Darrell in Seattle for taking care of my messages for me, I can't thank you enough for you are more than a relative, you are my friend. I know it musta been somewhat awkward (to say the least!) for you to talk to people you didn't even know about my medical stuff and I appreciate both your sensitivity and dedication in keeping my friends updated.

In addition to my surgery being a great success (yes!!!), my hospital stay was quite nice. In that regard, I'm gonna break my own rule and openly give credit where it is due - kudos and hats off to Beth Israel Deaconess Hospital! Oh my God, everyone there was so kind and so supportive and the staff, was phenomenal! Downtown Boston is home to a TON of some of the finest medical establishments on this planet but Beth Israel Deaconess shines like a diamond when it comes to first-rate quality patient care, I cannot emphasize that enough.

How was my hospital stay? As wonderful as the surgeon, the nurses, and entire staff was to me, I gotta be honest guys, I was bored most of the time! Actually, my friend Percocet has been with me a lot of the time! From Tuesday afternoon when they wheeled me out of recovery and put me in ICU (guess I hadda irregular heartbeat towards the last half hour of surgery but you coulda fooled me, as out of it as I was) most of my stay was spent sleeping off-and-on. But they kept me very comfortable and I really can't complain.

It's funny, I haven't even begun to heal yet and already I have an insatiable drive to do so many things right this moment! The 1st thing I wanna do once I heal more and can walk normal - I wanna go get my mail and then run up the front stoop like everyone else does, really super fast without even thinking twice, just like everyone else does day-in and day-out. I wanna dance. I want to dance to Alicia Key's remake of Blondie's "Rapture" hopefully before the summer ends and it is considered an "old song." I wanna go to places like the Natick Mall or the Burlington Mall (hell, both of them!) and just walk and look in every single store window, like so many people do and stop and have a cup of coffee and just breath. I wanna get back into walking for exercise but not the old lame 3 times a week, 20 minutes a day - I wanna do what Gwen Stefani does - walk non-stop for 1 hour per day and sweat as much as possible, great for both daily toning and shedding too.

And then the bigger things. Getta second job to off-set my cut hours at my current job. Travel, when time and money allows (isn't that always the case for us everyday Hiv'ers/everyday folks?) I really should go see my cousin in Florida but I wanna be selfish. This is stream-of-consciousness taking place, but damn, it feels good, it feels so fucken good to be alive, with two normal legs! My selfish travel priorities, doesn't matter which one I do first - I must finally make it to Philadelphia - they say my beloved UNITED STATES is still docked there, and I must go see her, to pay homage to her. People have said there is a giant IKEA store down there (twice the fun, I know!) and that you can see her docked on the opposite side of the highway/roadway. There's an organization fighting to preserve her (as they justly should)and I just pray they keep her preserved and safe long enough for me to get there and look at her, take pictures, and just savor gazing up at her. Totally corny, isn't it?

Oh Canada, I can't wait to visit you, so much to see and do there. I wanna look up at Toronto's skycrapers at nighttime and say something really fucken corny like, "Well Toronto, there's a new Spice in town and it aint that slut Rosemary or her sleazy sister Marjoram!" So much I want to experience and learn about that country. First, I need to check out all the Hiv/AIDS organizations (both major and minor) and see what direction they all are headed in. Second, I need to find out firsthand why the Canadians are just as oblivous as well as unappreciative of their country's vast, rich maritime history as the Americans are towards theirs. I've never said anything bad about Canada but please mark that one down because they are almost as bad as the Americans when it comes to that. Why do you know that most of them don't even know of the EMPRESS OF BRITAIN (1931)? That's blasphemy. Why that's like being French and never knowing of the NORMANDIE or being British and not knowing of the QUEEN MARY.

And Friends. Above everything else, both in Canada and here in America, there are so many new friends that I wanna get to meet! I wanna be able to walk off the plane/bus, walk up to them - with two normal legs(!!!) and hug them and tell them how damn happy I am to FINALLY meet them! Ah, walking normal, back to reality...

It's not gonna be easy - I think I have about a good week or so at home just healing before they even start me on physical theray. I'll know more after my follow-up appointment with my surgeon and regular doctors next week. I am hoping to be walking normal in less than a month, but maybe because I'm so excited about all of this! My body's entire equilibrium has been off-kilter for more than a year - it's gonna take time for it to stabalize and it will. They've already warned me that the first few times I stand up and attempt to walk with both feet I will get extremely woozy, maybe even come close to passing out, but that it will get better each day. It has to and it will because I haven't come this far for nothing.

Oh my, I did another epistle didnt I? Oh well, for being non-existent the last few days, I have more than earned it. It's great to be back. And as always, thank you for reading :)

Pre-Surgery Post - Monday. June 7, 2010

I wasn't even sure whether or not I was going to write in my blog tonight because when I get hyper-nervous about anything I can't think straight, I can't eat or drink much and I literally toss my cookies off-n-on for a 24 to 48 hour period before I deal with and/or confront whatever the hell is making me nervous.

Originally I was gonna write about the first time I met my deceased partner Jack but when I talk about him, I want it to be coming from the bottom of my heart, not the bottom of my stomach. I wish he were here right now, he always did know how to soothe me and calm me down; but, I know he's here in spirit and that's all that matters.

In March, 2009, I had to have a tumor removed from my inner, upper, right thigh area. The doctors weren't sure if it was cancerous or perhaps an infected lypoma. A lypoma is literally a mass or ball of fatty tissue that has unexplainably formed in whatever area(s) of your body, it can be as small as an America quarter or as large as a medium-sized California grapefruit. Naturally, in my case, it was the latter! You don't have to be a certain age, suffering from a certain disease, fat, skinny, short, tall, like with Hiv, lypomas do not discriminate on any of those factors.

So it was removed and thank God it wasn't cancerous - yes! But, the bad thing about it was that it was much larger than they thought and they could not extract it totally without causing permanent damage to my leg muscles in my right leg. Soooo, they decided it would be best to wait a year, perhaps longer, to go back into the area and remove the rest.

And, that is what they are doing tomorrow morning at 9 a.m., EST, to me. I know I shouldnt be nervous but any type of surgery makes me damned nervous, even one that I've had before. Why? Because any time I go under anesthesia I think back to my cancer period where I literally lost 4 months of my life. I dont want to ever ever go through something like that in my life ever again, God willing. I know the last leg surgery was fine and it was a huge success, thank goodness it was; but, this is my body and I have every right to feel the way I do about the process I will be going through tomorrow morning, just as we all do.

And that's something everyone needs to keep in mind - doesnt matter how large or how small a surgery it is, or even what kind it is, when your body is being surgically operated on you have the right to be concerned about it and react to it any way you damn well please. Don't ever let anyone belittle or demean what you are going through because as a human being you have every right to feel the way you do.

Why is this surgery so important? Because for the least year I have not been able to walk normal, exercise normal, do nothing normal with my right leg like most people can do. I have had to walk with a permanent limp in my right leg, and on bad days, even with a cane. 44 years old and walking with a fucking cane, yep, that's my idea of the Golden Years! Once this surgery is done, I will be able to walk normal again - exercise normal again - and, even better, not only do all the things that normal people with normal legs do but I will be able to rebuild my body again and restore it back to what it was before all this crazy leg surgey crap began over a year ago.

So there you have it, the full story. I will be in the hospital for 2 to 3 days afterwards. When I finally return home I will begin what will hopefully be no more than a 4 to 6 week rehab period. Yeah, it will be a major bitch at first to get around but you all don't know how much I am looking forward to being able to walk normal again. It's gonna be great.

While I'm gone, my cousin Darrell will be handling the reigns of HivSpice. No, nothing melodramatic, I have always wanted to use that phrase "the reigns of HivSpice!" Sounds kinda kick-ass doesnt it? lol...seriously though, all that means is that he will be taking care of any messages that are sent to my Facebook account - the notifications, my beloved blog, invitations to various events, that all will have to wait until I return.

One last thing. Even though the visiting nurses association will be coming to check up on me after the surgery, I am doing this totally on my own. My family who lives out-of-state, hate to say this and maybe I will write about it someday, only comes to Boston when I am near death. And that's the truth. I'm not seeking attention or invoking pity by telling you all of this, but I just want to let others know that if you ever have to go through what I will be going through tomorrow by yourself, don't tell yourself you can't handle it because you can. I know you can. This is just one of those "things-we-hate-to-do-but-you-gotta-do-it-anyways" things in life, it really is. Oh yeah, don't get me wrong, who wants to deal with this kinda stuff alone? No one, not me, but you'd be surprised how tough your inner spirit is.

I'm gonna miss you all - I mean that sincerely. Now take good care of yourselves and know I am proud and honored to know or know of every one of you. Talk to you soon.