Another Oilspill and Asian Carp - Saturday, July 31, 2010

With the Gulf of Mexico oilspill still being battled on both the containment and clean-up fronts, I was equally horrified when I learned this past week (via a good friend's posting) about another oilspill battle being fought in, of all places, the state of Michigan. Apparently what has happened is this past Monday there was a giant rupture in an oil pipeline in the vicinity of Battle Creek, Michigan, which ended up dumping over 800,000 gallons of oil into the Kalamazoo River, which in turn empties into Lake Michigan. When I saw the photos of this man-made disaster it just really hit home for me not just because I know the state quite well from visiting my family's relatives who have lived there over the years but also because of all the Great Lakes, my personal favorite has always been Lake Michigan. Each of the Great Lakes are gorgeous and a beautiful destination unto themselves, but some of my happiest childhood memories exist in that region of the state. I remember the summers of swimming in Lake Michigan at numerous locales (from the Holland area all the way up to Traverse City and beyond), looking for Petoskey stones on the shorelines with both my Aunt Elise and my Grandma, and of all things, a picture of myself, age 17, standing in Lake Michigan off the shores of Traverse City, wearing my Madonna sunglasses (ya know, the ones from "Desperately Seeking Susan") and a cigarette in hand, appropriately titled "(my real name) Smoking in Lake Michigan." And, I'll always remember those late night campfires along the shoreline, beautiful night skylines, with what seemed like every single star in the universe giving its clearest celestial show; the twinkling of the various harbor and inlet lights; and, the sense of sheer contentment and total peace with everything that existed around that single campfire crackling on the beach.

But, with what's going on right now in the Kalamazoo River as I write this, I truly shudder to think of what could happen if even 1/4 of those 800,000 gallons spill out into Lake Michigan and I hope that they get it cleaned up soon, not for the sake of my childhood memories but for the sake of Mother Nature herself and every single ecological environment/community that exists not just in the river regions but in Lake Michigan itself. You know, it really is true, it's not just global warming and erratic weather systems that cause natural disasters and harm both the natural environment and man-made environments, it's humankind's fault to blame for all these tragedies; plus, as many of us know, our civilizations have done nothing but stir up a lot of the problems and conditions that are blamed on global warming in the first place. Regardless of who's to blame, we all must unite in a formidable front, when we can and as much as we can, to both prevent and stop these man-made disasters if we are to save this planet - or what's left of it.

I'm sure most people are probaly looking twice at their screens this very moment in shock that I would even think of writing about any woes, man-made or otherwise, currently taking place in the state of Michigan. As much as I do admit that I have an endless amount of sheer contempt for places such as Michigan and Ohio, I've also realized along the way that neither of those places are responsible for all the awful things I experienced growing up and/or visiting those areas, they really aren't, I mean, no one can blame a geographical location for their life problems, ya know? On the other hand, yes, it's perfectly acceptable in rational thought to dislike a geographical location because of the bad and/or negative life experiences that you may associate with it. And I think that's what it is with me when it comes to Michigan and Ohio; after all, as much as I dislike both those places I'll be the first one to admit that due to the Great Lakes, Michigan is one of the most beautiful states in this entire country and I will argue with anyone out there who claims otherwise. As for Ohio, how could anyone hate a place that is the birthplace of the famous Cedar Point amusement park, located on the more cleaner and prettier shores of Lake Erie? Dont get me wrong you Ohioans out there, I know there is much more to your state than just some damn amusement park but you get the picture. But yes, too many bad memories to ever wanna live in those areas again; plus, I remember how hard my life was in those pre-college years - working 2 to 3 jobs non-stop, never having any money left over at the end of the week and doing nothing but living in a trapped existence. Whether it's the Great Lakes region or any other region in this great country, no one should ever ever have to live like that. Oh I know it's a reality, even for a lotta folks nowadays but it's a reality I could just no longer live with anymore. Thank goodness I got outta there when I did. Even though geographical locations play no active role in us humans pursing our destinies, I can't end this paragraph without giving a special thanks to both Northern California and my beloved Massachusetts for being as wonderful as they both are.

Getting back to Lake Michigan...every state and/or country that has ever bordered any of the Great Lakes has been (and still is in some cases) guilty of polluting and/or damaging the Great Lakes. I remember when I was growing up the Canadians on the other side of the Lakes were always blaming the Americans for screwing up the Great Lakes but that was so irrational because at that particular time the Canadians had just as many industries dumping their garbage into those Lakes as America did. As an adult I now realize that no one single country/place is to blame for decades of damage, point blank, every geographical municipality that is directly connected to the Great Lakes is to blame. Be that as it may, I hope that it's true that Chicago is cleaning up its act on the Lake Michigan shoreline. I'm quite sure that the Chicago area is a wonderful place to visit as well as live in for one always hears of good things going on there, even in the LGBT and Hiv'er communities. As a kid I remember how everyone use to poke fun at Chicago, calling it "The Bastard Lovechild of Detroit and Milwaukee" - it's true, kids can be so cruel! But, as an adult I realize how silly that moniker was; and, I personally want to give Chicago a giant pat on the back for it's crucial role in combatting the horrible Asian Carp crisis currently threatening the Great Lakes, more specifically in regards to that city's commitment towards protecting Lake Michigan's ecological communities.

What Chicago is doing with opening and closing the locks it has on Lake Michigan is somewhat controversial because some people are actually fighting that action by saying "Let Mother Nature take care of it." My response to that is this - "What?? Are you fucken crazy???" People need to realize that if that particular species of fish inundates not just Lake Michigan, but the other 4 Great Lakes as well, EVERY SINGLE ecological community will be affected if not indeed totally obliterated! Look, Mother Nature is one of the kewlest broads around but let me tell you this - if the Woman could speak, she would agree with what they are doing in Chicago. I'm serious. Asian Carp aren't even suppose to be living in our waters because they are not indigenous to this country. They are a result of ocean-going ships that fill up their ballast tanks with whatever water there is in their native countries and then dumping that very same water into the Great Lakes; and, therefore dumping that species of fish into the Lakes. Sure, the natural solution would be to ban such dumping but it's too late - after all these decades there are just too many of those fish already here; but, thank goodness dilligent work is being done to eradicate that species. Why eradicate an entire species? Because it we don't, it won't just affect any remaining fishing industries on the Great Lakes, it will destroy entire ecology systems. The explanation is quite simple of how. But first a little sidenote - both the Asian Carp crisis and the latest Michigan oilspill crisis are both man-made, Mother Nature didn't have a damn thing to do with either of them, just so that's on the record.

Asian Carp eat 2 to 3 times their body weight in a single day. They can grow up to 80 to 100 pounds in weight. They are fierce eating machines that within one to two summer seasons could ingest an enormous majority of the single frye of those fish species native to the Great Lakes - Salmon, Trout, every species of the Whitefish family you can name, Perch, Bass, etc, etc., the list goes on and on. And, whilst they are doing all that damn eating, they also will be doing a whole lotta humpty-dancing underwater, and therefore multiplying, not just like the regular American Brown Carp, but even worse. And though the following scenario should not be used as a determining factor in the battle against the Asian Carp, it still needs to be said - so you're with your family and/or friends on a vacation to one of the Great Lakes, Lake Michigan as an example - and all of a sudden you hear screaming coming from your nephews and nieces as they are swimming a tiny ways off-shore that a giant fish, maybe even a shark, tried chasing them and nudging them in the water, and literally scaring the shit out of them. You holler at them "Calm down! There's no sharks in the Great Lakes, it's all freshwater!" Less than 5 minutes later you hear more screams and one of your nephews hollers over to you "Hey Uncle Sparky, there are about 10 giant fish swimming around us, are you sure there's no sharks here??" No no no, the Asian Carp have got to be stopped and the waters of the Great Lakes need to be protected.

A couple of nights ago after dinner, when I was sitting on my loveseat having a cup of coffee and contemplating on how to solve the various crises of the world in general, what I thought was a possible solution to the Asian Carp crisis hit me. Why not do what those mad scientists in some of the modern horror films do? Genetically create a super-species of one or more of the more aggressive fish species already native to the Great Lakes; and, give it a genetic code that would predispose it towards eating Asian Carp and Asian Carp only - that would do the trick! And then EVERY species of fish and small water animals in the Great Lakes would be safe forever! Here's how it would happen - American scientists could go to the backcreek waters of the various Great Lakes river systems and round up a whole mess of Pike frye and also ask the Canadians to send their scientists over to those big lakes over in Saskatchewan and round up a whole mess of Muskellunge frye, and then each individual set of scientists would do their fancy genetic coding work and when the frye of each of the two species were big enough, they could be released into the Great Lakes and within less than a year, no more Asian Carp! Yes! Oh, and I chose those two species - Pike and Muskellunge - not just because of their fierceness in the way they fight BUT because each species has teeth. Just think, there isn't a fish in the Great Lakes, regardless of size, that would dare take on a hungry, pissed-off Pike or Muskie - why a member of either of those two species would rip apart any Asian Carp of any size in about 2 or 3 turns, if even that.

But, as some of us may already know, getting ideas from horror films featuring biological terrors in them is never a win-win situation. In regards to the above scenario, I already know what would happen. After a few years there would be no Asian Carp left and those Pike and Muskie would then need to find a substitute to fill their bellies with and before you know it, some night we all would be surfing through tv channels and see a film ad on the SyFy Channel for "Attack of the Killer Pike!" or "Revenge of the Malicious Muskies!" starring Carol Alt or Tracy Gold with John Schneider...you get the picture. 

As we all know, a poor movie theme filled with kick-ass special effects is something we definitely don't need when it comes to confronting issues such as marauding fish species from faraway lands, as well as oilspills. Like with everything else in this world, I only wish there were easier solutions available not just for these problems, but for the actual prevention of them in the first place. I think that all any of us can do is exactly what we are doing - attempting to come to an amiable solution to each problem where all parties involved are appeased. My only major concern to that scenario is this - how do you appease Mother Nature? The only way I can figure to do that is not just take an active effort in helping repair the fallout from the problems; but, also making a pledge that we humans will do our damnest to prevent them altogether. Remember, our lives may revolve around the existence of this planet we live on; but, our world's existence does not revolve around ours. It's up to us to make a difference on our end, not the other way around. Think about it. 

In closing, two special notes. First, I'd like to thank one of my good friends on Facebook for posting the newspiece regarding the Michigan Oilspill - I'd like to credit his full name but I didn't ask for his permission first, but he knows who he is and I will be more than happy in posting his full name at a later date, if he is comfortable with that. Second, for those of you who aren't familiar with Great Lakes geography, rather than Google it, I'll just give you a simple tip - drop the word "Lake" in front of each Great Lake and read their names the way you would a page in a book, from left to right = Superior, Michigan, Huron, Erie and Ontario. As always, thank you for reading.

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Target & Best Buy: My Viewpoint - Friday, July 30, 2010

By now I am going to go ahead and assume that many of you have viewed the internet video of that one grandmother who staged her own personal protest against the Target store chain in regards to the company's funding of an anti-gay political candidate in the Minnesota area, as well as the numerous posts that have been appearing in open newsfeeds on Facebook. That very same day I also noticed that Best Buy was also involved in the anti-gay funding activities which really surprised me because up until now I wasnt aware that the two companies were even associated with each other. I have been a Target shopper as well as a Best Buy shopper since the mid 1980's and I too am extremely infuriated that my partronage of both of those stores all these years hasn't meant a thing to their corporate leaders, more specifically, that apparently I and many other members of the national LGBT community don't count in those corporations eyes as legitimate consumers. Well, we will all see about that, that's for sure.

My first encounters with shopping at Target did take place when visiting my relatives in the Midwest more than 25 years ago. At that time I was impressed with the selection, prices and cleanliness of the Target stores I visited; but, when I moved to the Boston, MA area in the mid 1990's, boy, was I amazed at the differences between the Targets there and the stores in the Midwest, especially the size difference alone! In western Ohio, they were lucky if they had a maxinum of 6 to 10 checkout counters, whereas the ones in the 'burbs west of Boston, have like 22 to 28 checkout lanes - practically 2 to 3 times the size of their Midwest counterparts. Loving retail as much as I do, it literally blew my mind, especially at my "flagship" Target store, the one located on Route 30 in Framingham, Massachusetts. Whether it be for regular weekly shopping, picking up last minute items after work or even gift-giving, that store was a place I could always depend on. But the best part? Their prices!

You see, in the Midwest, it's a known fact amongst everyday folks like myself that Wal-Mart is the leader when it comes to prices and selection; but, on the US eastern seaboard, especially in Massachusetts and Connecticut, the exact opposite is true - Target actually has cheaper prices and their selection of various products is so good that most folks say "If Wal-Mart doesnt have it, you can bet that Target does" whereas, again, in the Midwest it's the exact opposite. All of this, of course, has been my personal experience and I'm not saying that this is the case in every area of the two geographical regions that I just mentioned but I think it's a safe bet that it pretty much well stands true in general.

Another thing that I've loved about my Framingham Target store all these years is the people. Don't get me wrong, I don't talk to every single sales associate on a personal basis in every store that I frequent but when more than half of the cashiers on duty any night of the week and/or weekend greet you by your first name or chuckle & guffaw about your prescence in the store, occassionally accompanied by the "What kept you? I was waiting for you to get here before my break!", well, in a way you sorta do feel like family with those people. And you know it's even more uncanny when you're in the store and one of the managers is not around and one of those very same cashiers says to another customer other than yourself "Follow that guy, he knows this store better than any of us do!" It's not that I actually do, it's just that when my grandparents were raising me my Grandma always taught me to have respect for people that you do business with and make certain you build a good repoire with them because that's always good when you are looking for a certain item or trying to get the best deal possible. And she's right. Albeit her advice may have come from the 1940's when people were not considered actual consumers but "those who traded at certain stores" it's not impossible for any of us to imagine the scenario - the local neighborhood grocery store or butcher shop where you went every week to shop, and knew the owners and their children and how things were going in their lives, simple salutations and civilities which now seem part of a by-gone era.

But, whether the 1940's or the year 2010, it's just good common sense for consumers and retail places such as Target to build good relationships with each other because when it really boils down to it, the bottom line is this - with the exception of the internet, without these places we wouldn't have any access to the latest necessary household items we need or the latest modern technology we desire; and, without us, they wouldn't be able to pay their numerous employees and make a profit; and, most importantly, they wouldn't be able to stay open for business. The same applies to every kind of store out there, even Best Buy is not exempt from this universal code of ethics.

I've had an off-n-on relationship with Best Buy over the years strictly because growing up my family moved around all over the country and even as an adult I've moved here-n-there. While living in the Midwest and Central areas of this country I always went to Best Buy when it came to cd's, videos, and dvd's. But when I moved to Massachusetts, when Tower Records was in business, that store was my "entertainment flagship" where I bought any and all such items. It was only a few years ago that they closed, but up until that time whenever I got the chance, that's where I would go whenever a new cd by a favorite artist was released, or when I needed to search for any hard-to-find recordings. Sure, there were places like Strawberries and FYI but they never had even half the selection of a Towers or Best Buy store, and their prices were always so much higher, every single time - and they still are, especially FYI, whatta stinker of a store that still is! Of course, nowadays alotta folks purchase their music via the internet from iTunes and even Amazon.com.; but, still, for the best selection and prices when it comes to cd's, videos and dvd's, in most cases Best Buy is the place to go when you're out shopping in person.

Where does my relationship stand with both Target and Best Buy, presently, in the year 2010? Quite frankly, hit-n-miss with the former and virtually non-existent with the latter. Before I moved closer to Boston city itself, I use to go to Target at least once a week to purchase stuff like personal toiletries, various appliances, miscellaneous grocery items and stuff like that; but, now my relationship has changed greatly with Target because it's quite a hike from here to the Western suburbs, especially when you don't own a car. So what I do now is whenever one of my former neighbors calls me up and says "Hey, ya wanna go?" I usually do jump at the chance because buying the same items I buy at Target elsewhere, like at lthe ocal grocery stores or even Walgreen's, there is a very BIG noticable price difference. As for Best Buy, hell, I havent bought a cd or dvd in months but that's strictly because those things are not only a financial non-priority for me right now but I couldn't afford them if I wanted to, especially with cut hours at my job. Trust me, it's not that I dont want to, I have a wish list of cd's that I just must have but those things are gonna have to wait until things get better for me as well as for this country's overall economy.

Do I believe in supporting boycotts of both Target and Best Buy? Hell yes, hand's down, 100% - but, will I still continue to shop at both or either outta necessity? A big "No" when it comes to Best Buy and as for Target, I'm not sure, I may still have to go there from time to time. Now I know that by writing that just now some people may start screaming and telling me how disappointed they are in me, but those of you who are rip-roaring mad over this issue need to calm the fuck down and listen to the little guy - that's right, cause I'm a perfect example of the little guy. I'm not saying that anyone should say "It's okay for Spice to feel that way" because I am no exception to any rule; but, I have reasons for my stance, not excuses - and there's a big difference between the two, people.

I've said it before and I will say it again - I'm not as well-off as alotta of my fellow members of both the LGBT and Hiv'er communities are. I'm on my own, single, I do not have a 2nd income to buffer me financially like the majority of the LGBT couples out there have; and, in regards to being Hiv+, I'm not living on disability, I am still working and again, I don't have a partner with a 2nd income like most of the Hiv'er couples have either. And after what I've been through this summer so far, even looking for a 2nd employment opportunity, I am still barely making it. I don't like to talk about that angle of my existence with anyone for I am not looking for sympathy or pity, it's just that this is my reality right here-n-now and if shopping at a place like Target will make a considerable financial difference for me, then I may have to consider still shopping there, because I will tell each and every one of you out there this right now - if any of you think I am gonna fork out more money for my daily needs and risk losing what little I have only to end up on the streets of Boston - or worse yet, back in the Midwest which I truly loathe with every single red and white blood cell in my entire fucken body - sorry, it aint gonna happen children, it just aint gonna happen. I''ve come too far in my life and have survived too much to gamble with my daily independence and my daily survival.

The solution? I think it's rather simple. We as a concerned community need to immediately start seeking out those stores - or even internet websites for that matter - which can meet our daily living need expenditures and start patronizing those places immediately so that it will allow those corporations to expand their product demand and hopefully lower prices in the near-future long run. If we can do this, I think we all will be much better off, myself included. But until then, I suggest that we all carefully look at the fliers that are in our weekly Sunday newspapers and find other places to shop other than Target and Best Buy; and, communicate with each other about these things, spread the word to each other so that we are just as united in taking care of ourselves and helping each other as much as we stand united against corporations like Target and Best Buy. Make sense?

So there you have it, my entire opinion. I cant even afford any cd's right now, so Kylie Minogue, the Black-Eyed Peas, the Scissor Sisters and Christina Aguileira (sp?) and countless others will have to wait till I can afford them at another location other than Best Buy. I have not shopped at Target since this has happened and I dont plan to anytime soon. When any of my former neighbors have offered to take me with them out to Framingham in the past, it's usually been about once or twice a month; but again, I don't see that happening any time soon and let's face it, it's not like I would announce that online anyways; however, I will say this - if I were to go to Target and mention it I better not hear one word outta anyone's mouth about it cause unless you're gonna start helping me pay my bills each month then you need to politely shut the fuck up. I don't mean to be so obnoxious and crude about that but damn, as much as I love living here in the Boston area, it hasn't been easy guys, not one bit, no pity-seeking here, just 100% real truth. Whatever happens with this boycott business, I hope that we all win out in the long run but in the meantime, I hope we all survive it too. Thank you for reading.

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Hunks On The Homepage - Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I really didn't know what to title this piece but the above sounded good enough for me because this is the first time I will be writing about this subject and perhaps the last as well since I don't think there will be a need to do so again. For those of you readers who are on Facebook, there is a reason why you will very rarily see any posts with provacative semi-nude photos of Hunky Hunks, Hot Studs, Beary Bears and the like on my Profile page and no, it's not because I'm the prudish Gidget-type that some people have labeled me as. It's simply because I as a gay man do not feel that I need to continuously illustrate my sexual desire for the male physique in all its various forms to validate my homosexuality. I mean, c'mon guys, anyone who knows a gay man pretty much has it figured out what we are attracted to and what we're not attracted to. It doesnt take a rocket scientist to call out the shots on that one.

A little disclaimer before I get started on this subject - this is in no way, shape, or form, directed towards any specific individual(s) whom I associate with on Facebook, my opinions and thoughts on this subject apply to everyone on the internet. Whatever section(s) of my blog that anyone chooses to read, I want people to feel comfortable enough to both read and have a reaction to it, regardless of what that reaction may be - any and all are welcomed.

What prompted this piece was that last night a Facebook friend (an extremely kind person) sent me a photo of a sexy, hunkish guy and although I found the photo to be quite handsome, I wasn't going to post it yet I accidentally clicked on the wrong tab and it landed right in the open newsfeed section. I thought to myself "Oh drats-n-drithers Batman!" but when I went to delete it and I could not! And, in a moment of irrational panic I sorta blew a gasket or two. I thought "Oh great, now everyone is gonna think that THAT is the type of guy I'm interested in!" Not that that woulda been a bad assumption on any viewer's part but that's not the message I wanted to get across to people - and, it infuriated me. Finally, after an entire half hour of figuring how to delete it and why everything I tried didn't work, a lightbulb turned on - I went to the person who sent it to me, to their Profile page and "Click" away it went. Whew, I felt much better after that. Now I realize that to some this probaly sounds like I was behaving irrationally and perhaps even overreacting to the aforementioned scenario but there is a rhyme-n-reason to all of this.

Like any other gay man out there, I like checking out guys too, in their many glorious variations; however, I refuse to be stereotyped into liking or disliking this-or-that kind of guy. Unlike many of the gay men out there, I find the shallow, narcissistic concept of desiring only men who look like bodybuilders and male models just as frustrating, if not more, as all the heterosexual women out there who are justifiably enraged that society dictates the ludicrous notion that all women should look like walking Barbie dolls. It's not me, it's not who I am as a gay man and I refuse to be lumped into that category. Personally, I am probaly one of the extremely few gay men on this entire planet that can truthfully say that I love men of all shapes, sizes and colors. Yes, everyone on this planet, regardless of sexual orientation, is definitely allowed their own personal preference as to whom they find physically/sexually attractive, hell it's everyone's birthright; however, this unwritten law that our own LGBT community, as well as the communities located outside of it, that states certain people have to lust after certain other people really is one of the most misguided and misconstrued generalizations attached to gay men that I have ever experienced in my entire life.

Now, let's take it one step further on the issue of stereotypes. If you're a gay man PLUS being Hiv+ such as myself, you already know what society says about us - that we are nothing butta horde of vampire-like, testosteronely-overloaded creatures with rampant, insatiable sexual appetites that instinctually compel us to have sex with as many men as we possibly can, who have little regard for safe-sex practices, and who want as much as we can get it when we can get it. With a majority of the folks out there who post all those sexy photos of other men their stance is "Well, this is what I like, what I desire and I need to share this with you. Oh c'mon, there isn't a queer out there who doesn't like to look at this stuff." Hey, you're absolutely correct, I like checking them out too; BUT, those of you who do this need to respect the fact that there are other people who do not share the same opinion as you do when it comes to this kind of stuff. Let's take it up to the next level....

Can any of you imagine the double-mixed message it would send out for someone to encounter an Hiv/AIDS activist who has pics of naked, sexy hunks plastered all over his internet homepage? You and I both know exactly what people would say - "Gee, he's on this giant bandwagon to stop one of the worst sexually transmitted diseases that has ever besiged this planet, yet he promotes the carefree, endless, sexually-based idol worship of numerous naked bodies???" As much as many of you out there may disagree with me, sorry guys, the two cannot go hand-in-hand because they are an illogical contradiction of the very causes we are fighting to educate about, as well as prevent from happening to countless others. No, I'm not saying that we Hiv'ers shouldn't be allowed to be openly visually mesmerized by whomever gives us a stiffy, nor am I saying that we need to give a rat's ass about what the bigots and hate-mongerers think or say about us; but, what I am saying is that a lot of us need to be just a bit more discreet about our public priorities when it comes to the battlefield of Hiv/AIDS activism. We dont want to send mixed messages because that not only confuses the general public but moreso it totally defeats our cause. It's okay for us to acknowledge, as well as for the world to know, what we find sexually arousing; but, let's not allow that freedom to denigrate the issues we are fighting for. 

In remembering the hundreds of pictures of revealing, scantily-clad men that people have sent to me over the last several months, I think what else I was trying to say earlier in this piece is this, point blank - I don't have any specific type of men whom I'm attracted to. Yes, really. Maybe I have become more mature and grown-up over the last 20 years or so because even though I get excited by looking at pics of naked men like every other gay guy does, I'm more sexually attracted to someone whom I view as an entire, complete person, not just their physical attributes alone. I just feel there is so much more to men, as well as to life, than drooling and going ga-ga over a picture of some naked hunk I will never have any form of interpersonal contact with.

One other thing I don't like about this sex-idol worship crap - the racism. Yes, you read correctly, Now I realize there are sexy pictures of every race known to gaykind out there; but, more than 99.8% of what is sent to me is white, totally white. It's more than just an issue of whether a person is physically attracted to this-or-that skin color - by promoting white bodybuilders and white male models only, it is most emphatically implying that Black, Hispanic, Asian, Middle-Eastern, etc., men are not physically attractive; and, I find that extremely offensive. It's actually frightening in a way, really. There's a vast majority of my fellow gay men out there who are more or less stating ""Oh yeah, look at him, just look at him, those thick rippling white muscles, bulging six-pack on that sexy white chest, oh he's so supreme!" Now I ask you, who the hell does that sound like? Yep, you guessed it, a gay twilight-zonish version of the KKK. Don't get me wrong, if you're caucasion and you are attracted and interested in white men only, fine, more power to you; but, please, don't automatically classify every gay white male as a member of that group, as well as disregard the millions of extremely handsome men of various colors/cultures who exist out there. Thinking outside of your own zone once in awhile never hurts anyone.

Do you know who I find the most sexually titilating? The average American guy, really - okay, yes, the Canadians really rock my world too but I talk about them enough as it is! As I said before, they come in all shapes, sizes and colors but you know what turns me on the most about them? Every single one of them is their own individual and no two are alike - if the thrill of discovery and exploring another human being's many facets, not just their sexual side, is something that turns you on, hey, I know exactly how you feel cause that's the way I feel too. Sure, fantasizing about getting it on with the semi-nude construction worker in the picture on my computer screen gives me a mischievous grin too; but, personally, I'd rather get it on with the guy who I just went to the beach with that afternoon who just asked me to put some sunscreen on his back for him. Maybe sexual fantasies of every kind to have their own individual place in our lives. But just keep this in mind - sex, whether real or imagined, isn't everything. I know some of you may never make it to that level of consciousness and acceptance in your lives but trust me, it is the truth; and, it's worth it getting there.

In closing, I'm not telling or asking people to stop sending pictures of Hunky Hunks and the like to me - all I'm asking is for those of you who do to respect my decision to not openly post them, that's all. It has nothing to do with our friendship or you as a human being. I consider myself extremely blessed to know of, as well as be a part of, each and every one of your lives. It's just that there is so much more to me than just my sexual desires and sexual fantasies. There's more to all of you than just that too, I already see it and for those of you who don't? I have complete confidence that someday you will too. Thank you for reading.

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Smoking Cigarettes - Tuesday, July 27, 2010

This is not going to be a dissertation on how bad and unhealthy cigarette smoking is for you because in reality, regardless of what the medical establishment thinks of the habit/addiction, I still think the jury is out on that one. Seriously. Yes, overall it is very dangerous to your health because of the carbon monoxide and other harmful carcinogens and toxins (I believe the last count on that angle was like 175 to 177 known toxins per cigarette) that are ingested into your body when you inhale - there is no disputing this fact. However, be that as it may, to say that cigarette smoking is one of the worst plagues to ever make its mark on mankind since the living world encountered its first dawn as many anti-smoking legions voraciously claim it is, well, I don't agree with that warped concept. I'm not telling anyone to reach for that next one and light it up with an air of anticipated frenzy, but let's take a look at this subject a bit closer, shall we?

Does cigarette smoking cause lung cancer, heart disease, empheyzema, asthma and all those other medical mysteries that we have yet to find a cure for? Yes, I believe it can and I believe it does; BUT, not in the way that the medical world and anti-tobacco experts have lead us to believe. Here's what I think is at the central core of the entire argument on the medical pitfalls of getting one's daily dosage of nicotine -  I don't think it's necessarily that smoking automatically causes the aformentioned maladies, I think its what is inside of the various tobacco products that sets off the markers and genes inside our bodies that makes us prone or more susceptible to contracting/developing those diseases. In other words, yeah, cigarette smoking does cause those diseases, but in an indirect route, not the direct route that all these alleged experts claim it does. I'll give you a couple of examples of what I mean.

Several years ago when I was working in one of more affluent suburban areas of Boston, the Sudbury-Wayland area, I ran across a local newspaper story about a woman who at that time lived in the Wellesley, MA area - her situation really caught my attention, due to the fact that I myself am a cancer survivor. Here's her scenario - the woman had been an extremely active athlete all her life, always watched her weight and ate the right foods, even took vitamins and had no known medical problems, plus she NEVER ONCE smoked a cigarette in her entire life, nor was she ever around second-hand cigarette smoke throughout her lifetime. You guessed it - she was diagnosed with not just lung cancer, but severe lung cancer in BOTH of her lungs at the same exact time! When her oncologist asked her "Have you ever smoked in your life?" she responded "No, not ever, not even once, why do you ask?" and he responded "Because judging from your x-rays and CT scans, I would judge that you smoke at least 3 to 4 packs of cigarettes per day." Hello, HELLO!!!  What happened to that woman is most likely just one example of thousands or more true life stories out there where a person who is a non-smoker, or someone who has never smoked a day in their life, is diagnosed with a form of cancer attribbuted mainly to cigarette smoking. Like I said, whatever it was that set off her genetic markers that automatically prediposed her for severe lung cancer was the culprit, definitely not smoking cigarettes, because not even one little stogie made it to her lips. Due to the natural inertia of my career at the time, I never did follow up on that article so I dont know what ever became of her but I truly hope she did beat it somehow, though at the time of that article things did look bleak for her. Smoking or non-smoking, I pray she knocked that cancer right on its ass.

Estelle Winwood, formerly of England and one of America's oldest living actresses at the time of her death in 1984 at the age of 101, is my other example. Several years before she died she was interviewed by a reporter who at that time worked on the staff of the Los Angeles Times. When she asked Miss Winwood what she attributed her long, full lifespan towards, she humorously responded "I don't have the foggiest notion" so the reporter said "Really, why do you say that?" and she said "Because Dearie, I smoke 3 to 4 packs of cigarettes per day, I eat nothing but sweets and junkfood for all three daily meals and I stay up tilll all hours of the night. Can you figure it out?" Yep, you read correctly - smoking 3 to 4 packs a day and living to the ripe old age of 101. Kinda puts it all into perspective, doesn't it? I realize that providing you, the reader, with just 2 examples out of the billions of smoking and non-smoking people who've lived on this planet doesnt necessarily mean that my theory is 100% correct but you gotta admit, I do have a good point here.

Cigarette smoking did not cause my Testicular cancer. I'm sure that having all those extra toxins in my body at the time didn't help matters but trust me, every medical test known to mankind was run on me and they could not find what caused it, but that's no surprise because to this day there is not one single oncologist or hematologist out there who has that answer for anyone diagnosed with this form of cancer, not just me. Granted, I for one am extremely thankful that as of last year they officially rated Testicular cancer as one of the most curable forms of cancer on the entire planet; but, there still are people who die from it because the diagnosis either came too late or it metastasizes at too fast a rate for some who are diagnosed with it. I count my blessings every day that I am still breathing and living as a cancer survivor and even though I have studied all the information out there and have medically calculated that IF it does return it won't hit me till I am at least 58 or 59, I pray it never ever returns. Any cancer can do sucha number on the human body as I'm certain all my fellow cancer survivors will attest to; and, I definitely don't wanna travel down that road again, that's for sure.

I started smoking when I was in 8th grade, no, not regular smoking as in a half pack or more a day; but, just "trying it" as most of my peers and myself did back in the late 1970's. From then until the time I was 15 I probaly smoked a grand total of 3 to 4 packs of cigarettes; but, when I turned 15, that is when I started smoking full-time so to say, usually under a pack a day but sometimes a pack and a half if I was really really stressed out about something or simply having a lousy day. Clutch or not, yes, there were reasons to smoke back then but at that time it was caused by my behavior versus being totally addicted to the nicotine itself. The stimulus that cemented my then-permanent relationship with my former lover, Mr, Nic O. Tine? Anger. You guessed it, back then I used my smoking as part of my own personal anger-management control system. The funny thing is, is that it worked, it really did. Anytime I got pissed off about something or even at another individual, I would just take a walk outside and after 3 to 5 in a row, whew, everything was okay, there was total calm and I would be more than ready for the next time. Incidentaly, this was also the same time period when I did become a drug addict for nicotine. Regardless of the circumstances, I simply fell into my own man-made trap of smoking whenever I was happy, sad, frustrated, angry, in heavy thought, you name it, there was never a bad time to not light up. I could experience any kind of peak and valley on the roller coaster ride of life, just as long as my ole' buddy Nic' was along for the ride.

A couple sidenotes about the habits of cigarette smoking - after all, we are on the subject so might I as well leave no stone unturned. Over the years people have really messed up the definition of the term "chain-smoking." The correct definition is a smoker who lights up more than 2 cigarettes in a row, one after the other, every time they smoke. I was not a chain-smoker. The only time I ever lit up one after the other is when I would get very angry about something; then and only then would I have a record 3 to 5 right in a row. Otherwise, I would just have one whenever I felt like it.

The best times to smoke? Right after a meal, whether it be breakfast/brunch, lunch(eon) or dinner/supper, that was always the best time - something about that first 30 minutes after ceasing eating that just made it almost magical, sometimes to the point where one would almost say "Ya know Nic, I really love you, just wanted to let you know."

Indoors or outdoors? Here's the funny thing, at least with me - I despised smoking indoors! No shit. Smelling raunchy can never be helped when you are a smoker, even though I have heard that certain "smoker's candles" and air fresheners do work, but I use to say to myself "I may smell bad when I am doing it and right afterwards but I will be goddamned if every single piece of clothing I wear and the walls and furniture in my home smell like fucken nasty cigarette smoke!" Yeah, and in cars? Sometimes Jack and I would but most times no and when we did we always had the windows rolled down but still, that stench would reek for months! I know a lot of folks out there say that when one is a smoker it doesnt matter how well you take care of your clothes or your home, once a smoker smell, always a smoker smell but I do disagree with that. In every apartment and/or home that I have ever lived in, never once did any friend or even when family members would make a rare apperance to visit, say "Oh your place smells." In my particular case I always heard "You can't be a smoker, I don't smell it anywhere."

Oh and by the way, just a little cleaning tip for those of you who do smoke. If you are a smoker who smokes indoors and you have wood-paneling anywhere in your home, wash it down with that Murphy's Oil Soap product and the end results will blow your friggin mind. How good does it work? You could be a full-time smoker and you will not smell that smell in your paneling for at least till a good week afterwards. It's true, give it a try. But, even more importantly, if you are a smoker who is planning to quit and you want that smell as much out of your home as possible? Wash the paneling, the walls, everything down with that Murphy's Oil Soap stuff and again, you will be pleasently surprised. Oh and don't use the lazyperson's version of it, the stuff in a spray-pump - use the bottled stuff, diluted in a pail of warm water and then wash/wipe down whatever you want to clean, let dry and presto. Incidentally, if you wanna clean your plastic indoor and outdoor garbage containers as well as recycling bins to get rid of the occassional bad smells eminating from them? Works perfect on that project too. Okay, enough of this, dont wanna do two posts at once....I heard someone in the back of the room mumble "Suzy-Spice-Home-maker" too...

Does the brand you smoke affect how or when you go about quitting? In my personal experiences, a most emphatic HELL YES! is required to answer that question because it's true, it's very true. It doesn't matter if the cigarette one smokes is regular, light, even ultra-light, they are all bad for you; but, get addicted to one of the few national ultra-light brands out there and watch what happens. For years I heard many a tobacco dealer tell me "If you get addicted to this or that one, you probaly wont ever be able to switch brands cause you will get very sick from it." I thought to myself "Hey, the perfect way to quit!" Not so, cause both your body and your psychological conditioning will make you crave that particular ultra-light brand all the more. I tried switching brands from the one I smoked for years - yep, Carlton 100's (non-menthol) - and every time I tried, I kid you not, those tobacco dealers were right! I would get headaches and I would get extremely nautious, almost to the point where I would toss my cookies. See, it's just not the addiction to the nicotine or the psychological habit of cigarettes that keep one hooked, in the case of ultra-light brands like Carlton's and Now's (which I dont know if they even make anymore, coulda sworn they took them off the market awhile back) no matter how much you desired to save money by trying other brands, once hooked you were hooked. 

Quitting smoking they say is just as hard to do, if not harder, as quitting heroin or alcohol and I believe it - after all, look how available all 3 vices are in our modern world. Nowadays there are gums, patches, even actual medications that your doctor can prescribe for you that can not only help you quit, but keep you quit - for good. Every person is different and every person's before-and-after quitting smoking story varies, there is no right or wrong on this one folks - just because your experience differs from any others out there doesnt make it any less valid or any less real. My suggestion? Talk to you doctor or medical team first and try to make the decisions together what is best for you. Oh and on a very special note - God and Universe forbid that you ever ever have to deal with the reality of a cancer diagnosis, no matter what kind it is, I implore of you to immediately ask your doctor/oncologist right away what is the best thing to do. Why? The majority of the general public isn't aware of this but depending on the person's individual health issue(s) at the time off diagnosis, your specialist may very well tell you "Yes, quit, but let's plan when." Yep, that one shocked the hell out of me too folks but it's true. When I was diagnosed, more than half of my oncology team came right out and told me "If you quit instantly, just like that, it could actually cause a counter-shock to her heart." I responded "Yeah, but what about the issue of quitting smoking alters your heart health dramatically after 24 hours?" to which they told me "It does, but combine something like that with the intense treatment your body will be going through and the results would not be good."

So yes, I was a smoker up until the time I was diagnosed, during the entire duration of my treatment and afterwards till about 2003. Looking back in hindsight I probaly shoulda quit during my treatment for I was lucky if I had 2 to 3 per day during those months but I wasn't worried about it too much at the time, my mind was on other goals quite naturally. Oh I'm sure there's gonna be a lotta folks that are shocked by that but you'd be surprised how many other cancer fighters continue to smoke right through it all and are still smoking to this day; but, I'm not one of them. The method I used to quit? The old-fashioned way - Cold Turkey. I'm not gonna lecture anyone which method to use but that one worked for me. Of course, reminding myself every single time I came up against a daily obstacle that I could handle it without smoking, as well as reminding myself how much money I could save from quitting - were positive, psychological buffers for me. Funny, when I first smoked back in the late 70's a pack of cigarettes cost about $1 - last time I was at Walgreen's I looked behind the cashier who was waiting on me and noticed that some brands today are at $9.59 per pack! That alone should be a good enough reason for anyone to quit but again, the choice is yours.

Every one of us who are former smokers have our own aftermath stories to tell or share when it comes to quitting and staying quit, and again there are no right or wrong post-experiences, whatever you are feeling, whether it be 2 or 20 years since you have quit, your experiences are valid. I cannot tell you how many people I have spoken to about this subject who have said "Well I never think about it, I never miss it, not one bit." That may be true but it's not true for all of us and if any former smoker tells you otherwise you need to tell them to go to hell in a handbasket. Just like with alcohol, nicotine is an extremely powerful drug and there is not one single friggin day that goes by that I don't miss it. In fact, in some cases, mine included, sometimes it's a daily battle to resist going back to it. You can tell I miss it even more when I mention it or make jokes about smoking in my blog entires as well as open newsfeed on Facebook.

As for being around people who smoke? Honestly, it doesnt bother me, just as long as they respect the fact that I do not allow it inside my home or inside any enclosed space I am in, such as a car or truck. I grew up in a family of smokers and unlike most former smokers, I can be around 20 people chainsmoking all at once and it won't entice me in the least. My secret? You already know it - the ultra-light addiction I went through. The only cigarette I would ever enjoy smoking is the only one I ever could smoke - those nasty, air-like tasting Carlton 100's because I know and my subconscious knows that even to this day if I were to ever return to smoking and smoke anything else other than that one brand I would get physically ill. And that right there is also the secret to staying quit - mind control, you are the one who controls the urges, not the cigarettes. For me personally, retraining my thought patterns to equate smoking with vomiting has worked perfect for me. The thought of it may be gross, but trust me, it is effective.

One more thing - there's a giant unwritten law in the Hiv/AIDS communities implying that no Hiv'er should be smoking due to their compromised immune systems brought on by the various infections that can hit us and that any Hiv'er who does is a pariah. A pariah? Who the hell made that fucked up rule? It doesnt matter what disease you have, if you wanna smoke, you go right ahead and smoke, just like with anyone, it is your personal choice and your personal right. Do I want you to? No, I don't, I want you to quit and stay quit but I will be damned if I am gonna march up to you or write you an email telling you that you are a bad, evil, worthless human being just because you smoke. That's just nothing butta bunch of poppycock and tomfoolery. It's extremely important for all of us, both Hiv'er and non-Hiv'er alike, to curttail any habits that are dentrimental to our overall physical and mental health; but, to replace that habit with the habit of being irrational, obnoxious and judgemental towards your fellow humankind? Sorry, but that type of behavior is just sheer lunacy in my book as well as a contradiction of every logical thought process that exists on this planet. I think that we, the human race, needs to stop beating each other up for simply being human, ya know? And, if you are gonna continue smoking? Frankly, I'd rather see you do that then the other 101 much worse habits out there today.

They say that quitting smoking automatically prolongs your life expectancy, and with the exception of the scenario of quitting one day and then 2 days later walking out in traffic and getting hit and killed by a runaway bus, there's probaly a good amount of truth to that. But whatever you do, if you are gonna quit, please, do it for yourself, no matter what method you use, because in order to stay quit you have to do it strictly for yourself. Right now I am a non-smoker and I intend to stay one for the rest of my life because I feel its the best thing for me; but, that doesn't mean that what I do is the best thing for you, only you can decide that. Thank you for reading.

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Touch of Drama, Facebook-Style..Oy Gevalt... - July 26, 2010

This past week I was talking with a fellow writer friend of mine and I told her "I love writing in my blog and all but what do I do if I run out of stuff to write about??" She laughed incessantly for about 5 minutes and then said to me "Are you kidding me? With the bullshit that has gone on in your life and continues to go on in your life?" She's right, just when I thought the ole' well was running dry, someone has gone and pissed me off into a bit of a tizzy and we all know by now what happens next - my mouth opens and it doesn't close till I've had my say. Be that as it may, what I am about to say in this piece towards certain individuals really does apply to everyone else out there, not just on Facebook but the entire world wide web - I will be there for any friend who needs me, whether they need a shoulder, an ear, or even both; but, please, to those who have a propensity towards internet drama, keep it to yourself, don't bring it to my platter of life cause I won't think twice about taking that platter and knocking you over the head with it. That's meant figuratively people, but yeah, it did upset me.

But before I get to the heart of the matter I just wanted to say that the piece I was debating about writing in my previous posting was indeed the posting before this one - Games on Facebook. I thought it was an interesting topic to write on but I also realize that perhaps it wasn't everyones cup of tea, but oh well. Onto more important things....

About several days to a week ago, some friends of mine and myself were commenting back-n-forth on one of the many postings we Facebookers run across in our daily newsfeeds. Everyone was laughing and having a gay ole' time of it until one of my friends - for some unknown reason which I am still unaware of to this day - decided to mouth-off or insult or however you wanna classify it - to another one of my friends. I did see it immediately and I watched the two individuals to see which one of them would deliver the next punchline, for that's indeed what I was expecting to happen, the next humorous quip. Well, I waited and nothing happened. Then I waited some more. Still nothing happened. So I mumbled to myself "Houston...? ....I think we have a problem....." My instincts told me "Maybe you should say something Spice" but then I thought to myself "Well, if I say something and put myself in the middle, wont that make it worse? After all, we are all adults surely they will work it out betweenst themselves, right?" Well, I am living proof, as of the last 3 to 4 days, that when it comes to this kind of situation, you should go one of two routes - jump right in and play Romper-Room-Referee, which by the way I shouldn't even have to think of doing because adults are suppose to act like adults and take responsibility for their own actions, correct?; OR, just delete any such "Friends" off your List and be done with it because you wanna know something? Honestly, it just has not been worth it. People who are suppose to be your friends, as well as mature, rational adults, are not suppose to castigate and/or punish you for situations that you yourself did not personally instigate.

Looking back on the aforementioned scenario, how do I really feel about it? That I shouldn't have had to waste one precious minute of my time for a problem I didn't create, as well as a problem that I was not responsible for. Yes, I suppose I could have jumped in the middle between the two individuals and maybe I should have because I truly have no problem defending a friend's honor, even if the other person doing the offending is also a friend of mine. One of the two parties involved did more then express the viewpoint that it was totally my fault. In fact, that person had the nerve and gall to insinuate that I was a wimp, that I don't have any backbone. I'll be the first person to admit that I am not a perfect human being, I make mistakes too, but implying or saying those words to me are what I call fighting words. First, because I know those comments are false and second, because I've been through and survived life experiences that woulda made the bones on the Angel of Death rattle back-n-forth. Yeah, really.

Back in 1995 when I first created this name, it would be an extreme understatement to state that it caused an internet furor here-n-there. I'd sign up to this-n-that website or enter this-or-that chatroom and BOOM! the verbal attacks against me would fly left-n-right. I gotta admit, for the first 3 months or so it was pretty intense but I held on pretty strong and survived it all. Keep in mind, we are talking about the internet here, the real life experiences are, well, a whole lot more real. But in time, people got over it and learned to accept me and those who didn't - well, their intentions backfired. The more heated debates and attention that you focus on something, the more and more it climbs the ladders of popularity. It is true what they say, both in real life and on the internet - when folks stop talking about you, that's when you really have to worry. Regardless, the positive attributes of who I am as a real life person do come through in HivSpice - which they should, after all, there is just one of me - but one attribute that will always surface above the rest is my resilience, both real-life-wise and internet-wise, towards the harsh periods that we all encounter on the pathways of lives.

I think that I've been given a really bad rap for again, something I had no direct bearing on. I'm not the cry-baby type but I think it's wrong that anyone, especially someone who has a compromised immune system, should even have to entertain the thought of dealing with such mental anguish because let's face it, when folks on the internet turn on you it's nothing butta truckload-after-truckload of mindgames scenario, no two ways about it. Like I wrote months ago, my T-cells and viral levels are far more important to me than any internet drama. And I defintely don't wanna go back to those early days of HivSpice where every single time I turned around I was fighting this-or-that battle, not that I couldnt handle it all over again because I know I could, it's just that I have grown more as an individual since those days and I am extremely confident that I dont need to prove anything to anyone, anymore, not even myself.

Usually I have some sense of direction on where this is all going and I usually end my postings with some positive, uplifting message but this time I don't. One thing I do know for sure, here's how I am gonna handle this awful, nasty, psychologically draining Facebook drama bullshit from here on out, bottom line, y'all ready?. I'm gonna continue being myself on the internet because I dont know how to be anything else but that. But, for now on, IF there are anymore insults or hissy-fits on my main page between other people, I will delete both the posts and any individuals involved in the situaiton. I mean it. Me taking the blame for what others say to each other is nothing butta banquet of bullshit and I don't deserve being treated that way, I dont think anyone does. Besides, your true friends will stay beside you through thick-n-thin and oh my God, writing this has helped me after all because it's made me realize that a coupla of you out there are extremely poor substitutes for someone who really cares. Ya know, it actually feels good to get my mojo back.

Actually, in closing, I do have something to say, as always. This last segment is directed towards one of the two people that this piece is dedicated to. Do you really wanna know why I didnt defend your honor and stick up for you? Simply, I dont wanna ever go back to who I use to be. We all have demons of anger that we need to conquer throughout our lifetimes and at this point in my life, I've conquered all mine, there's none left and personally, I chose not to create any new ones. I have a lot of life left in me and I think that energy needs to go towards preserving and/or improving my quality of life, as well as helping others along the way if I at all possibly can. These words that I just wrote directly to you do not make me the bad, heartless, thoughtless, selfish monster that you have painted me out to be, it just means that I am human and trying to look out for my best interests at heart. I've never once in my entire life claimed to be better than anyone else, but I will say this much to you - I am, even with all my medical defects, more of a complete person than you could ever possibly imagine being. And as hurt and angry as I currently am for the unjust, irrational way you have treated me these past several days, my only hope for you is that no one ever treats you the way you've treated me, it's not a very nice feeling and I hope you never experience it. Thank you for reading.

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Games on Facebook - Sunday, July 26, 2010

No, not the games that people play with other people's lives on Facebook, but the actual Games on Facebook, you know, like Farmville, Treasure Isle, that Vampire thing, Such-A-Ho, those are the games I'd like to talk about. I never thought I'd devote an entire blog entry to this topic but since it's so hard to address this subject material via newsfeed post, I thought to myself, why not? After all, whether you play any of the aforementioned games or not, the regular posts we see on them in newsfeed really are a part of daily life on Facebook. Internet games are nothing new to any of us, most folks do them either for fun or to pass the time when one is bored. For myself, there are a couple that I will admit that I do enjoy playing but for the most part I am always so busy trying to keep up with my Notifications, the daily posts in Newsfeed, writing in my blog and most importantly, talking with people online. In fact, that's why I am always lagging so far behind on a lot of those games because I'm so busy trying to keep up with everything else. Oh I have no problem multi-tasking, I do that on my job on a daily basis as well as when I'm not working; but, there simply isnt enough time in a person's day to keep up with all those games and I think that is the bottom line for me.

I'd like to go through the entire list of games that I either play or have had one or two experiences with. I'm certain there has to be at least 75 or more listed on the Games section of our Facebook main pages but there are only several that I am familiar with.

Farmtown...I didnt care too much for working on the farms that I did when I was a young kid and teenager but doing internet farming is actually kind of fun because you can see all the fruits of your labor without having to deal with the actual backbreaking physical work one does on real-life farms, plus you don't get dirty or sweaty doing it the internet way. For myself, I like Farmtown better than Farmville; but, I don't play Farmtown anymore because you'd be surprised how hard it is to acquire neighbors with a name like mine! No shit, I guess the HivSpice name does have its downsides too. Oh well, it's just a game and real life experiences are far more important and meaningful than working on an imaginary farm.

Farmville...it's an okay substitute for Farmtown but it just doesnt have the variety of choices that Farmtown does when it comes to products, buildings, etc. It also happens to be the only game where I have a large amount of neighbors on it so that does make it easier to play in regards to land upgrades and what-not. Right now it is the only game I am totally caught up with but soon it will be lagging behind again because the expansion on it is extremely slow, unlike Farmtown.

Treasure Isle....this one can be a lot of fun, when you're bored to death, but otherwise it just plain sucks. All you do is spend your time digging in the sand for crap and that's about it. Oh sure, you can help your neighbors here-n-there but who the hell has time for that especially when you can barely keep up with all that digging to begin with, ya know what I mean? Might as well be sitting on a Delta jet circling DTW over and over again because you will get further ahead doing that than playing this game. P.U., whatta stinker!

School of Wizardry...now I'll be the first to admit that I can be sorta dense at first when it comes to some of these games and this one is a prime example of that. I get to the main screen and I'm all ready to go and then just when I think something is going to happen - zilch - nothing at all. I mean I will sit in front of this screen waiting for something to happen, and nothing friggin happens. Then a little pop-up comes up and says "You are done playing this game" to which I usually bellow back "No shit, ya think Sparky, ya think???" There, I admitted it - I don't know what the hell I am doing nor can I figure out how to play the game. Yet, I will get TONS of requests from my friends (they mean well, I love every one of them dearly, really) to play this game, and after I accept the "Gifts" and go to the game, guess what? Yep, nothing happens! So what do I do? I just keep accepting their requests and when I tell people "Look, I dont know what to do, will you help me with this?" they simply respond "Oh yes you do, stop being silly, you know exactly what you're doing." Damn, I wish I did folks I wish I did.

Vampire Wars and then some Dragon game - those two are identical in regards to my experiences with School of Wizardry, yet I continue to get requests for them and when I message people and tell them I'm having problems with the games, they write back and tell me "Oh you know what you're doing" and I just wanna scream as loudly as I possibly can "No, no, no!!!! I don't know what I am doing, that is why I am coming to you for assistance" but people just dont get it, their reaction is that I am being some silly idiot who is bullshitting them and I swear to each and every one of you that that is not what's happening - people simply don't believe me and that is so damn frustrating, ya know?

Cafe World...pardon my French, but there's a fucken humdinger of a game! Get this, no lie - I get all these requests, TONS of requests for this item and that item so I click on them so that my friends whom are playing the game receive the requested items; BUT, here's the real kicker - those other folks playing that game don't realize that if I cant level up I cannot send them the items they request! So what do I do? I messsage them, every single one of them, and I tell them "Sorry, I cant help you" and do you know what their response is? You guessed it - "Oh sure you can, you know what you're doing" to which I emphatically yell, with tears almost in my eyes (yes, that's how frustrating some of this petty-ass bullshit is to me) "No, I dont know what I am doing!!" But, to no avail, no one believes me. It's just so sad because something as mundane as this kinda stuff has no place in my life, sorry. If I don't understand something, I ask questions for there is no such thing as a dumb question; but, if people aren't going to bother to take the time to explain it to me then I usually will try it a couple more times on my own and if that doesn't work, I simply walk away from it.

Fishville....oh my God, Heaven help us. I love aquariums and had several of them growing up and enjoyed them immensely; but, to try to simulate that online, yes, I guess they did pull it off without all the physical labor and mess of cleaning an aquarium in real life so I will give Zynga Games credit in that sense; but, as for the rest of it? It's simply not for me. I'm not going on this computer screen every single day to find out whether or not those little bastards need to be fed or not, shit, I can barely afford groceries for myself as it is, so why would I put any energy into feeding imaginary fish, ya know? I'd rather have the real thing anyways - I loved all kinds of aquarium fish but loved the ones that would eat Tubifex worms right outta my hand the best - the various Gourami's, simple Guppies and my personal favorite Cherry Barbs, for they not only were very tame but the only egg-laying species I ever had luck with in raising. Anywho....

So, there's my take on all the games. Like with anything else in this great world, if you get enjoyment out of it and it's fun for you, hey, that's great, more power to you; but, for myself the less complicated the better for me. I like to have fun too and I do, but I get more fun from interacting with my friends and other people here online, my writing and stuff like that. I'm not angry towards the people who treat me with disbelief and do not offer to assist me in understanding the Games here on Facebook; but, I am a teeny tiny bit resentful towards them because we all are adults here and when I tell you something in a serious, calm, rational fashion I am telling the truth - what reason would I have to misrepresent myself, ya know? After all, we're talking about some silly internet games here, bottom line. In the future, I will still try the new games that are made available but if I run into problems with them from here on out, I will just stop playing them and block the application on my mainpage. And tonight before I go to bed, I will be blocking all games with the exceptions of Farmville and Farmtown, and I will be ignoring all requests for all games except those two. Thank you for reading my take on this subject and Happy Gaming everyone! :)

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Updates & Notes on Previous Posts - Saturday, July 24, 2010

Probaly the biggest update is the most personally empowering one for myself - yesterday late morning, I passed every single test at my physical therapy appontment with flying colors! After a year and a half of walking gimp-legged with a cane, I can finally walk normal again - it's like the walls of a prison have come tumbling down and I love it. The sense of gratitude towards the universe as well as the tons of moral support and kind words received from all my friends on Facebook and the internet has simply blown me away. I just cannot thank everyone enough and don't let anyone tell you otherwise, there are people out there who genuinely do care. Needless to say I am somewhat physically out of it today for I truly did too much dancing last night in my tiny apartment! Oh but it felt good, there's a lotta good summertime music out there.

I have some tiny updates and thoughts here-n-there to share on the previous subjects I have written about so this piece is gonna be riddled with several mini-themes as I'd like to call them. In addition, for the 2nd time in about an entire month I have had an idea for a piece but for some unknown reason I am riddled with indecisveness regarding whether or not I should write it; but, I'm gonna take a chance and write it because the last time I was hesitant was when I wrote about my Aunt Elise and I received more than several nods of approval from my readers regarding that entry. Anyways, one step at a time, no pun intended....lol.

My Fellow Hiv/AIDS Activists....a few notes on that topic....the results are somewhat in regarding the several fellow activists that I had checked out - 3 of the 5 have totally checked out as clear and legitimate, even with the organizations and companies that sponsor them and that makes me happy, very happy, because when any individual is claiming to work on behalf of countless others and you have a good reason to question their integrity it can be extremely unnerving because above everything else you so want to believe that they are 100% sincere and genuine, that they indeed are doing exactly what they claim to be doing. As for the other 2, time will tell and I will keep you posted.

But, I'm becoming a little bit less concerned about 1 of the 2 because of his actions in the past couple of weeks. His actions are making him come across loud-n-clear - any moron living on this planet (with the exception of Sarah Palin, of course) can clearly see that his extremely flagrant self-promotion is so vigantly out there that he most likely will do exactly what I''ve been hoping he will do all along - slit his own goddamn throat. And he will. Forget about the issues that are most important out there, as long as his photo or his name is mentioned here-n-there-n-everywhere, that's all that fucken matters to him. And, that folks, is dangeous, just downright dangerous. Manipulation of publicity mills is one thing but as I said before, putting one's own self-serving egotism in front of everything else, especially above human life as we know it, is what I consider totally inappropriate and unacceptable behavior.

I think what's equally frightening is that there are people out there who actually put that schmendrik on a pedastal and part of me wants to scream out "Are you people fucken crazy??? Don't you realize what this guy is all about???" It totally dumbfounds me - they truly are blind towards and ignorant of what this guy is all about. Trust me, I do wanna cry wolf so badly on this one - hell, I wish I could scream it from the mountaintops if I could! - but without proof, no one is gonna believe me worth a shit. So, I shall continue to seek out both the proof and the truth. It's kind of ironic though - he and some of his buddies have discounted me as an individual - which is wrong, not just because it's me, it'd be wrong if it was anybody - yet I'm not the one who's being dishonest here. Yes, I do use HivSpice as my shield but with the exception of protecting my identity I have nothing to hide, I'm a very honest and decent person. Someone needs to take a really good long look at themselves in the mirror and that someone definitely isn't me.

In the meantime, I have figured him out psychologically. He's a very mentally and emotionally insecure individual and oh my God, you can see it on him from 100 yards away because it just makes me want to scream at him and say "Do you even know what the fuck you are doing???" I mean, golly gee whillickers Batman, he's out there just continuously and vainly trying to get as many people to like him as he possibly can, which is fine if you are a movie star who hasn't a hit at the box office in a few years, but an Hiv/AIDS activist? What about the people he's suppose to be fighting for? Where do their best interests lay when it comes to this warped popularity contest he is constantly hamster-cage-treadmilling himself on? This really does frustrate me and not out of anger, not out of jealousy, but out of genunine concern. Seriously. I just wanna go up to him and shake him and say "Snap out of it Sparky, just snap out of it! Come back to reality where the rest of us are!!" The saddest thing is that he simply doesn't have the maturity to realize that it doesnt matter how many friends you have or how many people you want to like you, first and foremost, you have to love yourself. It's that simple. Loving yourself, not streaking across the internet like some rabid dog trying to outdo Cujo when it comes to popularity. And as I have said so many goddamn times before to the point where I am gettiing sick of hearing myself say it - if you put your own selfish desires ahead of the greater majority of whom you are trying to help, you are bound to fail, failure is inevitable. It doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure that out.

Changing gears...at the same time I've also been paying attention to some of the other Hiv/AIDS activists out there, you know, the 100% legitimate ones? There are a couple that I would actually like to put my vote in for in regards to the next American AIDS Guru - oh my God, there's a reality show in the making isnt it?? Don't mention it to the guy I was just talking about, he'd have his lips on the ass of the producers faster than a comet speeding towards Phoenix, Arizona! The only complication with either of the 2 people I have in mind is that they both are the type of people who are extremely content with their lives just the way they are - both of them have made it very clear publicly that they have no desire to reach out beyond the circles of their current existences -  this is all wonderful, don't get me wrong, I am truly happy for them, but it's equally sad and frustrating because I know that both of them have what it takes to become a national AIDS Guru. To have that fierce dedication, the astounding charisma to reach out to others and the ability to stay focused, totally unselfishly, those are the requirements to be an AIDS Guru. Both gentlemen of whom I speak have all those qualities in spades but, in a humorously intended analogical way, they are like two giant jetliners circling the airport - one is saying "Duhhh, I'm just following my calling" and I wanna shake him and say so badly to him "Yes Sparky, we know you are but imagine your calling not just being in your own home state but the entire nation, what about that, doesnt that even appeal to you??" and the other one is "Duhhh, I'm in love now so I really cant focus on that right now" and I wanna shake him as well and say "Look Sparky, millions of people have amazingly high-profile, demanding careers and they manage to have a personal life too, so why cant you just do both?" Maybe I should have become a politician after all; that, or a Hollywood agent.

Grimsby, Ontario, Canada...there is a place called SuperStore there and that is where some of the best peanut butter and jelly on the entire planet resides! Yes, yes indeedy. Kraft Creamy Peanut Butter and Kraft Strawberry Preserves and Kraft Red Raspberry Preserves too! I just hope that whoever is the lucky guy I end up marrying doesnt get very cross with me when I throw a rope out of the hotel window on our honeymoon at Niagara Falls, Canadian side naturally, and make my way to that place of golden dreams at 11 p.m. at night to purchase gobs of the stuff! Oh whatta glorious night that will be, hmmmm!! Seriously though, now I know where to get the stuff. I'm sure it's available all over the Canadian provinces but that little scenario I just wrote should demonstrate to people how much I love those products! Oh rapture!

My beloved Canada, you have been rumbling through my thoughts once again. And judging from all the various internet newsfeeds, justifiably so. Now that I can walk normal again, I hope to spend time with you either late this fall and/or definitely next summer. Like with many other countries, your rates of Hiv infection are on the rise and I answered the question that came to my mind yesterday for myself - you as a country could indeed use yet another Hiv/AIDS activist or two, or even one thousand for that matter. Plus I love the amount of good, substantial work they are doing at that Casey House establishment - boy, I'd really like to work with those folks over there but alas, I have no medical training background to go with it. Even if I don't establish any permanent roots anywhere in the Canadian provinces, should I be an old spinster when I kick the bucket, my monies are going to both the Santa Cruz AIDS Project and to you Casey House - keep up the wonderful work everyone!

On an equally personal note, I'm very happy and content to be living here in Boston but even as much as I do sincerely love it as well as promote it, for what it's worth, if the right guy comes along and he and I find ourselves inseperable with each other, it's bye, bye Beantown. I'm serious. There are only 2 things that will ever pull me away from Boston - either a brand new job where I make tons of boo-koo bucks and/or love, true love. I think those two conditions are applicable towards a great deal of us but I needed to put that in writing because a coupla people, out of mere curiosity on their part - or so they told me! lol - have asked me that question.

The Mystery Man - yeah, I didnt think I'd write about him again either. I think it's wonderful that much positive, beneficial attention has been given to countless causes and charities on his behalf; and, I feel comfortable in saying on his behalf that he would be extremely honored and touched by such recognitions. However, in the last coupla weeks I've noticed that it's starting to get out of hand - to the point where it wouldnt surprise me if the next promotion is "Buy these flea collars for your pets, why they even work on Hermit Crabs too! Plus you know he would want you to purchase them!" Yeah, that's how absurd it is starting to turn. I still intend to keep my promise to both him and myself that I would never allow anyone to manipulate his legacy for illegitimate gains. Hopefully it will quiet down but if not, then I may have to consider speaking out on it. Time will tell.

I think that about covers everything I wanted to say today. For myself personally, my immediate goals are to get my body back to better physical shape now that I can walk again, ya know, tone down a bit, get a few muscley ripples back; find a 2nd job to make ends meet until I find a better full-time job altogether; and, do some traveling this fall and next summer too. There were so many Pride celebrations I missed this year, to the point where it almost sickens me, but I will make it next year - that's a definite on my end. And when it comes to finding that special someone (or him finding me), I wanna put myself more out there on the market so to say. Trust me, the best relationships I have ever had in my entire life were totally due to fate - in other words, there is a great deal of truth to the old addage that "you don't find love, it finds you." Thank you again everyone for your kind words and moral support through this most recent medical adventure of mine - I can truthfully tell you that it was so nice to not have to go it alone for a change. Thank you, as always, for reading.

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Porn: Epilogue - Thursday, July 22, 2010

Originally I wasn't going to write a 2nd part to "Porn" but as I mentioned in the final pargraphs of that posting, the circumstances regarding the eventual demise and death of Mike Henson are something that I've never been able to forget. As I implied towards the end of "Porn" I would like to personally take the porn director who played a heavy hand in destroying Mike Henson's life to task; but, I also realize that after all these years my launching a personal vendetta against the nasty sonnuvabitch isn't going to bring Mike Henson back from the dead. However, perhaps talking about what happened to him somewhat will prevent others from making the same mistakes he did as well as journeying down the road he did.

When Jack and I befriended Mike Henson that one evening (I would rather call him by his real name but out of respect for the memory of Mike and his lover, I choose not to) we both knew that things just weren't quite right in his life. As sincere and genuine as he was at that time, you could just sense by his actions that his life was somewhat of a roller coaster ride. That night when Jack and I drove home from that party I told him how worried I was about the guy and we had a very lengthy conversation in which I voiced all my concerns about him.

I kept thinking of something that is very commonplace in the porn industry, yet something very few people talk about - the way that porn directors and producers manipulate a great deal of the actors/actresses who perform in those films. Psychological manipulation, sometimes verbal and/or mental abuse, directing them to drug sources and sometimes even entering into relationships with them, all with the promise of "great stardom.' then only to discard and throw them away to the gutter like pieces of garbage when they no longer meet the rigid standards of near-physical perfection. And what alotta people don't realize, let alone even comprehend, is that it's virtually impossible for a person to make a full-time living in porn unless you're really, really successful. Most actors/actresses have to do other work on the side, and if it's not regular work like the rest of us do, they end up hustling and prostituting themselves, becoming escorts and/or performing on the striptease revues/dance circuits around the country. Don't let the glossy publicity shots or press releases fool you, there is no glamour in it, it's degrading not just to their bodies but also to their souls. Many of them will deny it and put on a fake, tough exterior but sit down and have a cup of coffee with any one of them and most will tell you that they would love to get out of it.

True, not every single person who works in the porn industry goes through every single one of the negative scenarioes that I just mentioned but in one way or another, most do experience at least half if not more of what I have just said. And in those most negative of scenarioes, it's not hard to imagine what happens - the raping and annihalation of a person's inner psyche and replacing what was ripped out from them with hollow promises and drugs. I ask you, who the hell would ever want to live like that? But for some it's their reality and it's not only sad, it's wrong and I think it can be prevented. Two suggestions. First, if you are consciously going to choose to work in that sexual arena, be aware of the consequences. Stay away from the drugs, stay away from the manipulators because don't fool yourself, they will throw you away when you're done because there's always gonna be someone else who has a bigger this-or-that or more sexual stamina to perform than you have. That is always a definite in the porn industry. Second, it's simple - don't do it. This suggestion has nothing to do with right-or-wrong, or what is morally and ethically responsible, just simply don't expose your life to that kind of existence. Now if you really really wanna do it and think it's gonna be so grand, and you know for a fact that you are strong enough to survive it then I guess I can't tell you what to do.

Actually, it's not that I want to tell anyone how to live their lives, I just want people to be aware of the pro's and con's of all of this. After all, no one can really tell you what to do with your life or tell you how to live it; but again, think carefully, very carefully before you would ever consider doing something like that. I'm not judging anyone for the choices they make, I'm just saying that if that's your choice then please be extremely careful and make certain that you take good care of yourself because it doesnt matter what kind of work you do, all life is precious.

Returning to that evening so many years ago, Jack and I actually had an argument over the Mike Henson situation before we even arrived home in Santa Cruz that night. I point blank told him that I was worried about the guy and discussed alot of the angles of that situation in the same way I just have with all of you; and, I told Jack that I thought we should try to do something about it. He told me that he really respected my concern and compassion for others but he put his foot down and said that there was no way in hell that he was going to get involved in other people's lives that way, and also that there was no way in hell that he was going to allow me to get mixed up in it either. Well you know me, big mouth and all, I retorted "Whoah whoah Sparky, what's this bullshit about allowing people to do this-or-that, what the hell is that all about??" He told me to relax, lit up a cigarette and handed it over to me and told me "I'll tell you why." I still remember every word he said.

He totally and emphatically explained to me his stance on the entire matter. I'll tell you, no one could speak about or explain situations more eloquently and passionately than my Jack. Here is exactly what he told me. First, you don't want to get involved with telling or suggesting or even indirectly guiding people on how to make their own decisions or run their lives because almost everything in life is a matter of personal choice; and, if someone chose to live that kind of life, it was their business, not mine. Second, don't let the terms of "directors" or "producers" in the porn industry fool you -- 9 times outta 10 most of the leaders in that industry have close direct ties to the world of organized crime as well as the world of drug kingpins. He told me that such people were capable of every form of human debauchery on the planet and that while I was brought up to use my intelligence and if necessary, my physical brawn, to fight my enemies, such lowlife scum like them used guns, knives and whatever else they could utilize to destroy their enemies. And on this point, he directly told me there was no way in hell that he was going to let anyone even resembling people like that getting within 50 miles of someone like me. God, that man always had my best interests at heart, he was so protective over me but in a loving way, not a selfish way.

I listened carefully to everything he told me and when he was finished, I thanked him and leaned over and kissed him on his cheek and told him how much I loved him. Jack was right then, and unless there have been developments within the porn industry that have caused positive change within it the last couple of decades, I think he's still right. Why challenge your own mortality by exposing yourself to that kind of world when you can simply avoid it altogehter and concentrate on things that are going to be better for you and your future in the long run?

My hope is that everything that I have just written in this posting will definitely, even if in a small way, make a difference for the better in someone else's life, especially someone who may be contemplating entering the world of porn. As I said before, I won't tell you what to do, I wont even judge you if you decide to go into it; but, I will ask this of you - please be careful to take care of yourself and use real common sense and stay away from those sometimes fatal illusions of grandeur. What happened to Mike Henson, and what still happens every day to this day in the porn industry, should never ever have to happen to anyone ever again. Looking back I'd like to think he too wouldn't want anyone else making some of the choices he did. His legend as a porno star may be unforgettable to most but I will always remember him for the sincere, genuine human being he was. Thank you for reading.

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Porn - Wednesday, July 21, 2010

My ability to brainstorm must be totally dormant tonight because I have debated for the last hour or so on what to name this piece. The reason being because the world of Porn has so many subcategories and angles from which to approach it that I'm finding it rather difficult to classify what I am about to write, even though this piece will cover my personal thoughts and opinions on the subject, as well as include my experiences with those porn stars whom I personally knew. There's also another reason I chose the title of "Porn."

In the civilized society of proper, politcally correct writing the author is not allowed to have a negative-sounding discourse with his/her readers but in this case since it is my blog I simply cannot resist. I've looked at the hits on my previous piece "Drag Queens" and the 2 pieces that preceded it and the numbers are interesting - both of those pieces received less than 45 hits whereas the aforementioned received 175+ hits. A few people have told me to ignore such scoreboards, that they are not 100% accurate, but still, it kinda bothers me. I'm no Hemingway or Faulkner but damn, I am a good writer and at this point, I am wondering, did folks read "Drag Queens" strictly based on its title? If that's the case, that's really not being fair to me as the writer or to all of you, my readers. Just sayin.'

I have a tremendous amount to say about the world of Porn and I have decided that I am not going to break this piece into halves or thirds like I have preveiously done with earlier posts. It may or may not end up being the longest piece I've ever written up until now, but it deserves to have its continuity unbroken.

No, I am not a porn star, nor have I ever considered becoming one. Do I like porn? Oh hell yes and most people, regardless of  their sexual orientation, do too but most won't admit it because they think it's something dirty that need not be discussed in polite society. All those people out there who will pay top dollar to see a porno flick or pick up a porno mag and just spend hours googling at both but then when asked about it point blank they deny even knowing the definition of the word are nothing but hypocrites. Hyocrisy is one of my biggest pet peeves. Worse yet, a lot of those very same people have the audacity to call porn stars "pure trash" yet when they are watching a flick or leafing through a mag and about to reach their peak, those very same porn stars they condemn as worthless, moral-less human trash are the gods and goddesses of their most secret desires and fantasies. Hey, just because a person does porn does not mean they aren't decent human beings with thoughts and feelings just like the rest of us. 

Yeah, I suppose in some ways this piece may sound like a "Porn Stars Are People Too" piece and maybe in some ways thats exactly what it should sound like because it's the truth - they are. In fact, I would stop using the "P" word and switch over to the more politically correct term of "Adult Film Actors/Actresses" because it truly is a more appropriate, correct term to use; however, I also think its redundant to use that title because if you've ever noticed whenever you hear someone say "Oh, he or she is an Adult Film Actor or Actress" 99 times out of 100 the other person always responds back "Oh, you mean a Porn Star?" In a way, sad but true, there's almost no escaping that labeling once you make a foray into that type of business.

Regardless of which term you use, Porn Stars are indeed human beings just like the rest of us. They have good days and bad days, they have bills like everyone else and not every single person who works in the porn industry is doing it for the same exact reason. They say most people do it to make extra money for drugs and perhaps that is true to a point but I've known a few folks who did so to pay bills and even help pay for their college tuition when things were financially non-existent. Some people even do it because they are not only constantly horny but are also exhibitionists. And some even do it simply because they can - they have the body for it and the sexual drive to reach orgasm at the hint of the slightest video director cue. But the thing is is that we as the public still have no right to judge anyone who works in that industry because in almost every case it is always a matter of personal choice, regardless if its out of financial necessity or otherwise.

Would I ever star in a porno flick? Please, I don't even have my real picture posted on friggin Facebook yet! Seriously though, we all have sexual fantasies we'd like to personally star in but the answer is no - and for good reasons. First; I don't have the body for it, even if I looked the way I did in my early 20's the answer would still be no (I'll substantiate that later on in this piece). Second, I have heard as well as been told personally by a few porn stars when I asked them exactly what it was like, their collaborated response equated to this - try to imagine having sex in front of your best friend while he/she is videotaping it WHILE you are sexually performing in front of 20 to 40 of their closest friends. Now I may be a guttsy guy but I'll be the first to admit that there is no fucken way in Hell that I could do that. Plus you all know from one of my previous postings that there are just too many sexual scenarioes that I find outrageously humorous! I can imagine it. Some porn director is telling me "Now Spice, right when you're almost there start saying "Oh yeah Baby!" to which I would just turn, look at him/her and say "You gotta be fucking kidding me?? I need coffee!!" That's one thing that "legitimate" clothed acting does have in common with porn acting - it's just so goddamn fake and if you don't believe me, ask your local porn celebrity and they will back me up. If they dont, they are the ones lying, not me.

Several years ago, a good friend of mine (now deceased) told me that he always wanted to be in a porno flick, just to try it, just to do it once. I told him "Okay but remember, you are an Hiv'er and you need to disclose that information to anyone you plan on interacting in, if you catch my drift" and he politely informed me at the time that there are porno flicks made by and for the Hiv+ community, so I said to him "Okay Sparky, if you say so." Well, he went ahead and did it, was actually quite good in it (or so I was told by some mutual friends, I never saw it myself) and when he got back to town a few days later I asked him "What was it actually like, I mean, how could you do that in front of strangers?" And he gave me his spiel on it - he said that it wasn't totally what he expected. He and 2 others guys did indeed do their business in front of a video crew, complete with condoms and all, and everything went fine and when I asked him "But what did it feel like?" he said "Like sex silly." I looked at him perplexed and said "No shit sherlock, but how could you, ya know, keep it hard and do your business?" He laughed and told me the following - "Look, it's like this - it's like any other job. You are paid to perform and do your job and when you are done you either go onto the next job or you go home. When you are getting paid to do something like that you stay focused on having sex with the other people there, you do not have time to worry about others watching, you just do it and when you are done, you are done." I gotta admit, his experience in the porn industry did answer alotta questions for me. Every person out there has their own story to tell so I won't use his experience as the norm by which to judge other peoples experiences, but I will say that he was an extremely honest person and what he told me was good enough for me.

When Jack was alive, being fairly notable in the gay public's eye at that time, we were invited to a ton of LGBT sponsored functions, fundraisers and even simple dinner parties. I did meet a lot of influential people at those soirees because one must remember that while he was fighting to put all the bad guys away in jail as lawyers do, I was still in college as well as working too - the only influential people I ever dealt with on a daily basis were professors and financial aid advisors. And at those parties, from about 1986 to 1988, is where I met all 3 of the Porn Stars I am about to tell you about.

Leo Ford. Yes indeed, I met Leo Ford and oh my God, I'm not usually attracted to other blondes but Leo was indeed the exception to that rule! Lordy, he was so incredibly handsome and I'll never forget the night I met him...Jack and I had been invited down to LA for one of those hoyty-toyty gay rich people's parties and as we were standing there mingling with others, one of his friends said "There's someone here I want you two to meet." I smiled and said "Sure." And, when he came up to us and held out his hand to shake mine I just looked at Leo, then looked at Jack and his friend and said "You've gotta be fucking kidding me!?!?" To which all 3 of them let loose laughing! He was very polite, very charming, very sexy and after Jack's friend left he asked us both what we did for a living, simple stuff like that and then he turned to me and said  "You know, you should consider going into films, cutie..." and I just laughed and said "Uhm...thank you, I'm quite flattered but I don't think so Mr.Ford, besides, I don't think Jack would approve!" All 3 of us laughed and then Jack excused himself to go get something to drink and the second he did that I yelled in my mind "Jack!!! What the fuck are you doing??? Get back here goddamn it!!! You're leaving me with one of the hottest porn stars in America, are you fucken insane or what???" Don't get me wrong, even on that night my heart, body-n-soul belonged to Jack, no two ways about it but if any of you fellow gay men out there coulda seen how extremely enticing Leo Ford looked that night, trust me, you woulda had thoughts going through your minds too! His handsome tanned face, his alluring eyes and oh my, that chest, that tanned chest...ice water please....I gotta go get some, be right back.....

Anywho, I didnt need to worry cause the conversation ended about 5 minutes later - he asked what classes I was taking that semester, and then he very politely excused himself when someone from the William Higgins studio - or so I was told afterwards - entered the room. We never saw him again after that night but I was saddened to hear of his death in 1991 from a motorcycle/car accident. All I know of him was from that one night and in the years since I've come across articles and interviews stating that he was one of the hottest, as well as most respected, gay porno stars of the 1980's. I believe it; but, I also know he was a very friendly, genuine, intelligent person who could carry a conversation quite well.

Jeff Stryker. I never thought I would ever ever write about him because the night Jack and I met him, he wasn't in good shape at all. In fact, that's exactly why I'm not too thrilled about sharing this experience but I always tell the full story. I'm pretty sure it was 1987 when we met him at another one of those hoyty-toyty LA parties that Jack and I were invited to. The best way to describe what it was like meeting him was that it was totally not what Jack or I had expected. He was a very good-looking guy back then, very nicely dressed BUT also 100% drunk and drugged up off his friggin ass! No one needed to introduce him to us because he did so himself in the most unsettling of ways.

As he was walking towards us, another party patron was telling him who Jack was and then who I was. When he staggered towards me, he put his arm around me and said "Ya know Blondie, I could fuck you really good right here-n-now...!" Instantly I became livid - the mouth opened and out it came "Oh yeah motherfucker, you even think of laying a hand on me and I'm gonna rip off that huge cock you supposedly have and shove it down your fucken throat!" At that moment Jack lurched towards me and restrained me and told me "He's out of it, just calm down Hon, just calm down." Dont get me wrong, I may use profanity in my writing but walking down the street, let alone at a public function, I very rarely use such bad language but that night, oh man...but that's not all. After I was calmed down, Coca-Cola in one hand and a cigarette in the other, Mr, Stryker, who was still standing there like some nasty numbnuts, made a very poor decision in his drug-hazed state - he hit on Jack. He put his arm around him and said in his ear, the entire time as he was looking at me "Why don't we leave this party and Mr. Frigid over there and go back to my place for some real fun....?" That did it. I totally lost it. I lurched and landed with my hands on his neck and once again the words just flew outta my mouth "You nasty motherfucker, you even dare look at him ever again I will fucken rip your throat out and use your fucken esophoghaus as my own personal jump-rope, do you fucken hear me you nasty fuck!?!?!?!?!" Needless to say, Jack and 3 other guys pulled me off of him and restrained me (I still dont remember what happened to my Coca-Cola and cigarette that night!) and then Jack and I got the hell out of there and went home - thank God cause that truly was a night I never wanted to remember again.

This happened many years ago and perhaps Jeff Stryker has changed his ways since then, I dont know and to be quite honest, I don't care. It was that moment in my life that I truly understood for the very first time that when a human being becomes extremely angry about something they can become quite strong physically, almost too strong. No, I would've never killed him but I sure as hell would have given him the ass-kicking of his entire life had Jack and the others not pulled me off of him. As I've always said, physical violence of any kind does not solve any problems but that night Mr. Stryker had it coming to him, fair-n-square. I'm not the possessive type who suffocates those I love but that night I felt as if my territory was being invaded and like a giant cat, I was ready to pounce. The mature thing to do woulda been to motion to Jack that maybe it was time to leave the party, but when your 22 and head-over-heels in love with someone, you don't always think of doing the mature thing.

Mike Henson. It's very hard for me to write about him because he was sucha good guy, a fine person, and even though I know he's gone, sometimes it's still hard to imagine someone so youthful and full of life is now nothing but a memory. Jack and I met him in 1988 at a giant dinner party in what was then the nicer part of Redwood City, in the Bay area. Needless to say, he was an exceptionally handsome man and very very sexy, but also extremely nice and at that time hadda good head on his shoulders. When he first entered the patio area of the private home where the party was being held, his appearance naturally lit the entire place aglow, and not just because he was a porno start but because of his striking good looks. He was also very polite and friendly and we hit it off right from the start, talking about the computer classes he was taking and the history ones I was taking and just simple good conversation. And when we all were filling our plates at the buffet table I accidentally dropped my napkin and he picked it up for me and said "Here ya go Blondie" and I musta blushed a dozen shades of red cause he was just so nice and sweet, and just so debonair. 

Jack and I talked with him off-n-on most of the evening and he said something very nice to me that I will never forget - "I like talking with you because you treat me like a person, not a thing, not an object." I thanked him for saying that and told him that if he ever needed to talk, he could always give us a ring. He really was a good person. But then not long after that evening we met I had heard he had gotten into the drug scene and I really never anything about him after that. Judging from what I did read about him after his death, that guy had gone through hell and back a few or more times and he ended up dying of AIDS in either 2001 or 2002. It is true that the world of porn can be a dangerous place and some folks don't survive it but dont anyone kid themselves, Mike Henson wasnt just a porn star, he was a good person, a real person and he did have hopes and dreams, he just ended up on the wrong road because of some of the people who took advantage of him by some of the not-so-good choices he made. I may write a seperate piece about what happened to Mike Henson, in particular, one of the people who aided in driving him to his death because it still makes me extremely angry after all these years. But, that is another posting.

So there you have it, my experiences as an indirect spectator in the modern world of gay porn. As I have stated several times previously, I don't believe in judging others but if any of us are to evaluate other people I think we need to do so based on who they are as a person and not what they do for work or in their free-time. It is so true what they say, that you can't judge a person until you've been in their shoes. We dont know the exact rhetoric and decision-making process that lures each individual into the world of porn but maybe it's good that we don't because for the most part I believe that people do make the best decisions they can with the information they have processed at the time of their decision. I dont think it's as complicated as all the theorists out there make it out to be. But, based on my experiences and the people whom I have met and spoken with, I can definitely say this to you - porn stars really are people too. Thank you for reading.

 

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo