Shaved or Unshaved? That Is The Question - Thursday, December 30, 2010

Another nice thing about having a vacation is that you get to watch what you wanna watch on tv when you want to watch it. The other night I was flipping through the channels, around 1:30 a.m. in the morning or so and I stumbled upon the latest special by former porn star Katie Morgan. The program was like a variety show - comedy, sex tips and porno clips and personally, I thought she was very funny with some of her jokes! Of course, being a gay male, I wasnt too thrilled about watching her prance all over the place totally naked with her shaved oonie on show for the entire world, but I've noticed over the years that that's how she does all of her specials that show up on many of the HBO chanels out there - totally in the buff. Hey, more power to her I guess, after all, she is a former porn star so it makes sense that she'd be 101% totally comfortable with showing everyone her business whenever she pleases. However, be that as it may, there's something I noticed about her that I have noticed not just about porn stars in general these days, but about alotta everyday folks too - people really get into shaving their genitalia!

Now, right off the bat (no pun intended), I have been wanting to write about this type of phenomena since around 1994 or '95 and after all these years I finally have the opportunity to do so. Most people probaly consider shaving oneself down you-know-where a preference or a habit or a form of personal hygiene. Actually, I think it can be any or all of the three, but regardless of the reasoning of why people do it, I think preference is probaly the main reason. And I think that's important because something as personal as that should strictly be a matter of personal choice.

In fact, I dont have a problem with anyone who wants to shave whichever parts of their bodies they want to, that's totally up to the individual. However, what I do have a problem with are the folks out there who insist that EVERYONE should shave their gentitalia because it's more cleaner that way, it's better personal hygiene. That's where this subject falls into the realm of personal opinion. That's fine but my opinion is different. Again, if a person wants to do that, great, I'm happy for them but just because this-n-person does it doesnt mean that I or anyone else has to do it. Let's disect this subject a bit further, beginning with the various reasons of why people do it.

For starters, some folks will tell you they do it because it feels good and it's "hot" to them. If it makes you feel good, hey, I'm happy for you but I for one know for a fact that it would not make me happy because I'm one of those more all-natural folks when it comes to body hair, regardless of where it's located. Would it make me personally feel good to caress or rub someone's bare areas around their genitalia? Quite frankly, I dont know because all the men I've been with have been quite endowed hair-wise in that area of their bodies. I guess I'd have to give it a go before I can form an opinion on it either way. As for "hot?" That too is totally a matter of personal conjecture. For myself, at least from viewing it on a screen or in a magazine, it doesnt do a damn thing for me. Hot for me is someone simply being all-natural, they either have a little, some or a lot of hair down-you-know-where and that's perfectly fine with me, no complaints here. 

With regards to the above I guess this is one of those times when I am actually thankful that I usually avoid one-night stands for the most part. Those of you who have read my previous pieces already know that I'm one of those rare types of people who actually finds sex funny and/or comical at times!  I mean, can you imagine me having a one-night stand in this day-n-age? So I'm getting hot-n-heavy with the guy, ya know, smooching, touching, all that serious foreplay stuff which most people find titilating but which I am always giggling during(!), and alla sudden he starts to unzip his pants. We get closer. Closer. And then he mumbles something semi-sexy/smart-ass like most guys do such as "Here it is, Baby..." so I look down, and see a totally shaved crotch!! Now, most people would think to themselves "Oh, hmm, that's nice" and keep right on going. Not me. The first things that would come outta my mouth would be "Oh my God, what happened? Are you okay!?!?! Where is it!?!?!" Of course we all know what would happen next, I'd be getting my clothes on and the guy would either be driving me home or giving me fare for the T because let's face it, most people have no sense of humor when it comes to sex! And that's okay, I'm not judging anyone, I just know myself well enough to know how I personally would react in that scenario,

The issue of it being "more cleanly." With the way the human body sweats, I can see other peoples viewpoint from that angle; however, here's where I have a problem with that line of reasoning. Unless you're one of those people who gets into what they call really REALLY nasty, raunchy, dirty sex (which by the way, I do not, it's not my preference), most people do like to be intimate with someone who is pretty much a very clean individual. Also, for the most part, alotta folks dont like sweat smells of any kind and that is fine too. But guess what? Whether you have hair on or near your genitalia, the human body is gonna sweat anyways, it's inevitable. Especially during times like intimacy. Now there's a few guys out there who have told me that "I like guys who are shaved, because it always smells so clean down there." Hey great, I love clean too but what about that slight odor that (I''ll admit, I'm blushing as I write this section because usually I'm not so graphic in my pieces) is often referred to as "cock smell?" Is that there when someone is shaved down there? Cause let's face it my fellow gay brothers, most of us do love fellatio (both giving and receiving) and sorry, but when I'm down there giving a guy a profound sense of Heaven, I dont mind that kinda scent. I sure as hell dont wanna be smelling Dial Soap or one of those Phoenix spray mists, I wanna experience that man in every sense of the word. But again, my personal preference.

If you're a person who actually has to shave your genitalia for whatever medical and/or dermatalogical reason, hey, that cant be helped. And no, I'm not saying I would not become involved with a shaved person (that way of thinking is extremely ludicrous, if you ask me) it's just that because I have no expeirence with anyone who does that, I can only rely on my own personal experiences. I most certainly wouldnt judge or make fun of someone because that was their choice, though I will admit that in certain circumstances if it was a big surprise I might accidentally chuckle or perhaps even have a small guffaw!

There are even some folks who claim that having shaved genitalia actually heightens the senses of sexual arousal. I suppose that could be true but I have no way of knowing. What I do know is that for the most part, the hair located above or around a guy';s schlong, as well as his balls, really doesnt have a damn thing to do with how aroused or how intense his orgasm may be. At least that's been my experience, I'm open to any other opinions on this matter but again, for me, I dont totally buy that argument that sex is better when one is shaved. Maybe it might be in the sense if you're doing somethig like frothage or other forms of stimulative caressing but that's the only arena in which I think that would make common sense.

Do you know what I loved best about that Katie Morgan special? There was a clip in there about that one mouth-like masturbatory toy that's been around for ages, where some naked guy was allegedly demonstrating on how to use it and trying to prove whether or not it worked for the audience. Hell, that toy has been around for years - I remember in the early 90's when they use to constantly advertise it on the back pages of The Advocate magazine. I thought it looked interesting but no, I've never tried it. But what impressed me most about that part of the program is who I'm pretty sure the demonstrator was - none other than former porn star Rick Donovan! No shit, I'm pretty sure it was him! They said he hadda younger brother who followed him into the porn industry, so perhaps it could've been him too but I dont think so. I mean, you couldnt see his schlong or what he was doing with that toy, but it looked an awful lot like him. And yes, what I noticed most was that he was not shaved down-you-know-where. so I did find that very interesting. If it was indeed Donovan, he was unshaved and I was impressed. But like I said, I was surprised to see him on that special cause I havent seen or heard anything about him in years and in the 80's let's just say he was quite well-known for obvious reasons.

Would I myself ever shave down-you-know-where? No, absolutely not and not just because it's not my preference but I know what it's like to be unshaved and not having any say about it whatsoever. Yes, naturally, when I went through the surgery for the Testicular Cancer (an orchiectomy is what they call it) I was totally shaved down there. Then just when I thought it was about to grow back, the oncology nurses warned me that I may or may not lose the rest during my chemo cycles. As fate would have it, the rest did indeed fall out during the cancer treatment period and yes, it did grow back, but not all of it. No, I dont dislike my body because of it but if I hadda choice, I would have the normal, average amount of hair down there that I had right up until the time of the surgery, but I'm thankful for what is there because the main thing is that I'm so lucky to have survived it and still be alive.

Whether you are a former porn star or just your common-average-person such as myself, if you wanna shave every single hair off of your body and basque in that accomplishment afterwards, I'm all for it if that makes you happy. But for me, I'm perfectly content with things just the way they are. Does that mean as a gay male I only like men who are hairy all over the place? No, I'm not saying that at all, I'm one of those love-the-whole-person-inside-n-out types but for myself, unless it's for a surgery or a skin condition, my crotch is staying as is. A few of my closer friends still tease me and say "Oh Spice, you like all that pre-1990's porn!" which is true I do, but it has nothing to do with whether or not condoms were being used, it was because of the way people looked back then. Back in those days the men, not just the porn stars but the rest of us too, were in their natural state all the way. But, that's just my preference, you're certainly more than entitled to your preference too. Thank you for reading.

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Absolution - Wednesday, December 29, 2010

That one single word has so many varied degrees of its meaning that I truly dont know if its even the correct word to use in the title of this piece let alone in the piece itself. Either way, I think absolutions come with the various milestones of our lives, or in the way in which I would like to utilize the term, in regards to things we eventually realize we cannot change no matter what we say or do. Such is something I learned earlier today. I realized that the old addage to never give an old dog (me) a bone (the issue that was once at hand) because it's just notta good idea. Not good in the sense that when I encounter an injustice, I surround its entire circumference with an unquenchable thirst for vindication. In other words, I can be a very stubborn, muleheaded person. Does that make a person bad? No, not really, unless of course innocent people get harmed along the way, then it's wrong. Just my opinion. Then again when the innocent bystanders are also feeding the flames while nonchalantly standing on the sidelines watching the maelstrom, it does make one wonder.

Yes, for the 2nd time this week I will be rehashing a fairly aging subject but not because of newfound angers and/or frustrations, but because I think it would be extremely healthy for myself and those around me to be given final closure to it all. For the most part, I mean, at least for them. As for myself, I can forgive and forge forward but I very rarely ever forget. No, I'm not talking about grudges for I feel those are a waste of time and energy, plus such negativity has no place in my life. But as for a safety precaution against allowing something horrible ever being allowed to repeat itself, I think it's just a good idea to never forget.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            This piece I am writing at the moment could more or less be classified as an amendment (for lack of a better description) to my previous piece "Like A Kick In The Stomach" because it interconnects directly to it. What has happened between the writing of these two pieces is simply this - this morning I became extremely frustrated by the residual hurt I was still experiencing from the incident which took place a few weeks back in one of the internet groups I belong to and I acted on it by posting my apparent frustrations. This in turn escalated with words and opinions flying amongst myself and several other individuals. No need to rehash the hurts and angers of today, because that's not productive for myself nor anyone else involved in the discussion of the matter. However, the end result was the death knell of one of the groups I belonged to which was very saddening. But what it all should've led to are two things it didnt even touch - some degree of retribution regarding the issue that sparked the entire situation as well as some type of reprimand against the individual who cast the first stone. It's so ironic, after almost 3 weeks of off-n-on dealing with this purely unadultered bullshit, what in the hell did it all really accomplish, ya know?

Let me tell you, there were some lessons learned today on the internet that's for sure. For starters, on the internet, just as in real life, there's always gonna be someone who you not only disagree with, but who just majorly pisses you off by something that flies outta their mouth. It's unavoidable. In other words, yes, there's an asshole in every crowd. Come hell-or-high-water on that you may always depend. Do you go after the person or keep your mouth shut? That all depends totally on what the issue is. I chose to go after the individual in question because of the issue at hand; but, that doesnt mean that you have to do what I did. Feel the situation out and go with your instincts because 9 times outta 10 you are gonna be right on target.

When you believe in something that someone has attacked and made a personal affront towards, and you feel you are standing up for what is right, no matter how many people tell you otherwise, you stand strong and stick to your guns. Like myself, you may be told by those around you "Oh, you're taking it outta context" or "You're overreacting" but if you know for a fact that you are 100% correct in your convictions, then dont you dare for a second back down. Even if you're the only one in a group of many, stand tall as they say because when all is said-n-done at the end of the day, you're the one who has to sleep with your conscience, not those around you. Dont ever attempt to preserve the peace of many by discounting the significance of one because when you do that, you're flirting with disaster major big-time. Always be true to yourself.

Retribution was not obtained in this situation. Sure, I as an Hiv+ individual stood up against some very derogatory, hurtful things that were said about us Hiv'ers as a whole but did it do any good? I like to think it did, but in the long run? No, absolutely not. If anything, I learned that sometimes people have an excruciatingly difficult time telling the difference between an opinion and what can be considered extremely morally offensive behavior. Trust me, that angle alone wowed the living hell out of me - and I think it always will. I know another thing for sure - if I ever hear or see anyone in public insulting any Hiv'er because of our disease, I'm gonna nail their little asses to the sidewalk right then-n-there. There will not be one fucken ounce of what I put up with these past few weeks online regarding this issue ever ever happening to me again. I could give a rat's ass if that's someone else's opinion or not - one does not pass judgement on another because of a disease they have. That's just totally preposterous. I could imagine something like that happening in the early 1980's but in the year 2010? Uh-uh, no more, not to me at least.

Resolve with the individual who started it all. That's probaly the most ironic aspect of this all - he got off scott-free. Literally. He shot off his mouth and literally got away with it. Some of the people I know would actually egg me on and say "Go get 'em Spice!" but I choose to not do that for two main reasons. First, what is my verbally accosting him going to accomplish? It's not gonna change his past actions, its not gonna undo any of the damage that's already been done. I know, because I've already talked to him. Second, why should I waste anymore precious time and energy on that individual when the people who shoulda brought justice to the situation chose not to? I've already spent enough time and energy standing up for what is right and if others did not see that, well then, damn them all to hell because there's only so much one person can do.

I guess the power of the written word is a power that too many people underestimate nowadays, yet another lesson learned. Hey, I'm pretty outspoken myself but I think we all need to realize that sometimes what we write and share with others has a trickle-down effect that we all need to be made aware of. Its virtually identical to that old addage of thinking carefully before you open your mouth. Heck, even like that old saying from WW II, "Loose Lips Sink Ships." You get the picture. I'm sure alotta the stuff I have written over time has offended folks here-n-there but one thing is for certain - if you tell me about something I've said that has offended you in any way, shape or form, chances are 99 to 100 that I am either gonna apologize and/or make amendz with you. That's easy to understand, it's one of the golden rules I try my hardest to live by - people are NOT for hurting. Nor are animals either but you should already know that by now.

Yeah,  there was more than one absolution or lesson learned by me personally throughout this all. God forbid if I ever run into a person or group of people who is knocking Hiv'ers the first thing I am gonna do is say "Excuse me? What did you just say?" The second thing I'm gonna do is tell them to piss-off and then walk away. When it comes to standing up for what is right, I'll do it a few times in a row and then that is it. Cause otherwise it's simply too emotionally/mentally draining. It was a shame, a downright filthy shame that I literally had to explain my actions to people on 15 to 17 different occassions and each time I thought to myself "Where the fuck do these people come from???" It's simple guys. I'm Hiv+. Chances are that if you're shooting your mouth off about how or why I got this disease, I'm most likely gonna reem you an entirely brand- new asshole before the night is out. In fact, I think that's a pretty safe bet. Oh, and when you say you're my friend, even though you didnt stand by me when the going got tough? No, I wont hate you, I wont disregard you, I'll do my best to still accept you but I'll always cry deep inside whenever I come into contact with you because I know if you had been in the same exact shoes I was in, you woulda wanted me to stand beside you too. That's probaly the thing that hurt the most throughout all of this, second only to the Hiv'er angle.

Groups. Oh I'll stick with the two groups I am still a member of but no more after this. Groups are actually evil when you think about it. I mean, it's like they allow a certain number of people to get together and say whatever they want about anyone or anything, things that you would very rarely read in open newsfeed and for what? You cannot tell me in any given group at any given time that 1 or 2 people per 10 to 15 members isnt gonna get majorly hocked off at by what someone else says. It's virtually impossible. Therefore, in a way it's almost totally mute in point for me to remain in either of the groups I belong to. In the one group, where the residue of today may still rest, I'm certain I've already been branded a troublemaker or "too sensitive" so that discounts me in that one. As for the other group, designed especially for us Hiv'ers and those with AIDS, I'm considered "inconsequential" because of my anonymity, so that puts me off the Top 10 List in that one too! Actually when you think about it, it's kinda funny yet sad in a way - the non-Hiv'er groups dont know how to deal with me and the Hiv'er groups, whose strict standards I could never meet, at least not in their eyes, dont wanna deal with me! So basically, we're talking about me being pretty damn near screwed in either scenario! Oh well, that's just the way of it sometimes. Whatcha gonna do, ya know?

I dont wanna talk about this stuff anymore. Aint wasting no more time nor energy on it. If any of you out there gleam any degree of wisdom from this piece, please let it be this - if you dont meet the criteria of any group that you're invited to join, or if you're expected to be a part of a group where only certain factions are respected and/or revered, here's what you do - you tell them "Thanks but no thanks!" Because let's face it, being in a true group is being with others who are like-minded like yourself, as well as providing an atmosphere of moral support and commaraderie. If either of those things are not going to be positive, but rather negative in nature, why in the hell would you ever even think of associating with individuals like that? Besides, remember what I told you earlier - people are not for hurting. Doesnt matter who or what people are - Hiv+, Hiv-, Lou Gehrig's Disease, Spinal Bifeda, Red, Black, White, Plaid, etc., - everybody deserves to be treated with kindness and compassion, not disrespect and judgement. So stay true to yourself and if you ever have to stand alone, dont worry about it, cause you'll never ever really be by yourself on that one my friend. Thank you for reading.

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Like A Kick In The Stomach - Monday, December 27, 2010

I suppose perhaps when one has too much time on their hands, thinking about things we stumble upon on the internet is not always the most healthiest thing in the world for anyone. Granted, I'm having a wonderful holiday vacation and am throroughly enjoying time spent with my loved ones here. It's not that I really actually do have too much time on my hands because trust me, this time off was long overdue in every sense of the word in regards to my workaholic habits. After all, such ample free-time gives a person time to reflect on this past year's events and time to contemplate plans for the future and therefore is extremely healthy. 

However, today, much in the same vein of shock-n-rage in a scene from the film "Mommie Dearest" (1981) in which Joan Crawford (Faye Dunaway) stumbles upon those wire hangars hidden deep within her daughter Christina's (Mara Hobel's) bedroom closet, I stumbled upon something online that extremely startled me. At first I thought to myself "Now now Spice, just calm down, surely you are seeing things, this simply cannot be." But then, when I checked things out further, I went from feeling extremely startled to feeling as if someone had physically kicked me right in the stomach. I'm not kidding, you know that horrible feeling of having all the wind literally knocked out of you? Well, that's what I felt like. I didnt overreact, I naturally calmed myself down and reviewed what I saw and as I'm certain most of you out there can imagine, that feeling of getting kicked in the stomach as well as the after-pangs which occur afterwards are not very nice things to experience. In fact, I wouldnt wish them on anyone. But after I simmered down and collected my composure, the first thought that came into my mind was this "Well, Merry Fucken Christmas to you, HivSpice."

I never ever try to rehash things in this blog unless I feel it is blatantly relevant to the piece I am currently writing at the time. Like everyone out there, yes, I do have times when I get upset, hell, even downright angry, but the anger comes, lasts for a few minutes and then subsides. Once in a very very great blue moon there are both principles and issues that I simply cannot let go of, I'll admit it. Hey, I'm human just like the rest of y'all out there and yeah, it really is that plain-n-simple. So please allow me to share with you, without naming any names out of respect for any and all individuals connected, both directly and indirectly, the matter at hand.

Since it didnt happen all that long ago, do any of you remember the piece I wrote regarding Facebook Groups? Well guess what I found out today? That a handful or more of the people who claim to be my friends are also friends with the individual who caused not only a great personal offense towards me, but towards all Hiv'ers. Yes, my fellow Hiv'ers, did you know that each and every one of us has no one to blame but ourselves for being Hiv+ and/or having AIDS? Did you also know that we are considered "the unlucky ones?" Uh huh. Fancy that. In the year 2010, those of us who are Hiv+ and or have AIDS are expected to accept and respect those who preach such heinous, archaic rubbish and sentiments identical to what those of us who have been around long enough to know better, experienced in the mid-1980's onward. I betcha didnt know that either, did you? But that's suppose to be okay, we Hiv'ers arent expected to react to such purely unadulterated bullshit because when we are confronted with such horriffic statements, guess what? We are merely over-reacting and taking things out of context. Now I dont know about the rest of y'all out there but when anyone comes across such offensive garbage I think it's pretty damn difficult to turn the other way and not have a reaction towards it, dont you? No, allow me to rephrase that - wouldnt you too?

Hey look - and this too is directed towards my fellow Hiv'ers as well as those afflicted with AIDS - we are not strangers to condemnation nor negative, hateful diatribes from society-at-large; but, from people who are supposedly our own fellow GLBTQ brothers and sisters? Sorry Ladies & Gentlemen, that is totally unacceptable behavior. In my book, that is the last and final straw to end all.

Oh but it gets better. Guess what other little holiday surprise was waiting for me during this discovery? Do you recall that special Christmas dedication that I wrote a couple of days/nights ago? Well, wait till you read this. The person who it's dedicated to? Guess what? Yes, you guessed correctly! That person is ALSO friends with that self-proclaimed Guru of Hiv/AIDS Etiquette! Or, as the character of Joan Crawford (Faye Dunaway) also said in that aforementioned scene in "Mommie Dearest" (1981) as she viciously stared at those fucken wire hangars that she held in her hand "Ohhhh.....this is just WONDERFUL!!!!" No, I am not becoming unglued people, I am just literally genuinely mortified over all of this. No shit. Even as I just wrote the last two sentences my chin is still resting on the floor from my mouth dropping it and hitting it. Oh thank God to high Heaven that my cousin and her family are visiting her in-laws tonight and that the roads here in the stix of Michigan are too damn ice-covered and slick for me to hop in their Suburu and go down to the local party store on the corner to getta pack of cigarettes! Livid is the understatement of the century.

Now, allow me to take a step or two back from all of this and put it all into perspective, okay guys? Here's the deal. No shit. Believe it or not, I am not petty like alotta folks here on the internet are. Seriously. I will not do what some people would do in a scenario such as this one. I will not make referendums or demands that my friends drop the Hiv-AIDS Guru and/or any of his cronies from their friends list or anything prepubescent such as that. I wont even leave the groups that these friends of mine as well as the Guru and his friends belong to either. Nope, for right now, no one connected with any of those individuals is gonna hear a peep outta this mouth. Do you wanna know why? It's simple. Because by condoning such inexcusable behavior as they all have condoned, they all will figuratively slit their own throats. Oh yes and I'll tell you why and how. Because it will only be a matter of time before the Hiv/AIDS Guru and his cronies start judging and condemning those alleged friends of mine for something about themselves that he and his like-minded contemporaries dont like. Then when those friends of mine come to me crying and boo-hooing about what's happening guess what I'm gonna do? Treat them the same exact way they treated me. Regard them in the same exact way that they regarded my feelings. I'm gonna tell them exactly what I was told when the situation first took place "Oh, surely you must be over-reacting" and "Oh, you're just taking it all out of context."

Wow, does this hurt. It's not that these alleged friends of mine have backstabbed me or lied to me, but by them turning their heads the other way and pretending what happened did not happen, in the process they not only have railroaded me as an individual, they also are more or less saying to me "Hey, we dont have one ounce of respect for you." If that's the way they feel, fine, but I gotta admit that does make me wonder though - what are they gonna do when someone regards them the way they have regarded me?

And yeah, knowing that that special someone I wrote that Christmas dedication to is also friends with the Hiv/AIDS Guru? Oh my God, yeah, honestly, it slays the hell out of me. I've always cared about the guy so much, have always believed in him - hell, I was even ready to actually say "Enough of HivSpice, I need to be the whole me if I ever wanna have even the remotest possibility of being with a wonderful guy like that." It's funny, and this is really evil of me to say this, but earlier I kept thinking to myself "The next time that sonnuvabitch has a public appearance I hope he has a technical malfunction, then trips and lands flat on his fucken face!" But, in all seriousness, I cant wish that on him because not only do I care about him deeply but I have to be as realistic as is humanly possible when it comes to dealing with matters as volatile as this one - he, for all I know, may not even know who and what he is friends with, nor what the Hiv/AIDS Guru and his cronies even did. I cant be unfair to him, I just cant. Somewhere in my heart the only thing I can do is believe that if he knew what happened he would choose to stand by my side on this one, versus turning the other way like so many others did.

So, there's the full skinny of how and why I felt as if someone had kicked me in the stomach. I have reviewed everything repeatedly, with both my eyes and my mind, as well as my heart. No, this isnt what anyone could classify as "internet drama" of any kind. A personal affront towards every Hiv+ person and every person suffering from AIDS was made. It was wrong. Wrong that it happened and wrong that others attempted to sweep it under the rug. I keep asking myself, "How could they, what the hell were they thinking??" That much of it, the horror and shock of it all, yes, I do admit that I need to let that part go. But the injustice of it? Never. So for now, with the exception of what I have written here this evening, I'll be a good little Spice and be very very quiet. But I will wait, and I will do so patiently because sooner or later the pendulum will swing the other way and as they say in the movies, "Justice will prevail."

Looking back in retrospect, I actually was forewarned about the things I wrote about in this piece. My one friend told me that I should stay away from internet social groups because I'm the type of person who usually gets shafted in such groups because I am simply too real for most people to handle. Well, after I what I found out today, damn, I'd have to say I think she was right. No, I need to admit that she was right. Another friend told me to be extremely careful about writing an anonymous love letter to anyone, that nothing at all may come of it. Well, I'm still holding out on that one because I still do believe (maybe even blindly and foolishly but I pray neither is the case) in the person for whom it was written for. I care about him so deeply though finding out what I did today almost did make me choke up when I saw it. It's funny, some folks over the last seveal months have labeled me a toughie, a wavemaker, and that may be true to a point but I think what I have shared this evening is yet another example of proof that I am a human being like everyone else and I have feelings too. I get hurt too.

I guess what is true in the real world is equally true in the internet world as well. Sometimes your own best friend is yourself. I think this is one of those times. Don't get me wrong, I wont turn my back on my true friends but I also cant turn my back on myself either. And because HivSpice is an extension of myself, like a proud parent dilligently watching over the safety and welfare of their precious child, so must I be the same exact way with HivSpice. Or as any good mother or good father are with any of their children "If you're gonna hurt my Baby, I'm gonna hurt you, really really bad." Yes, indeed, HivSpice and I are the same exact person but by the same token, I think ole' Spice has been through alotta crap the last several months here on the internet. So I think it's time for some reinforcement on his part, I think he's more than earned it. From this day forward (dontcha just love how melodramatic that sounds? I love it! lol) let's just say that Spice and I are gonna be doing some extra-special bonding. After all, if there was a war going on and if you were a parent, would you allow your only child to pick up a weapon and go off to battle? We all already know the answer to that - absolutely not. So if folks wanna raise their hand against HivSpice, that's fine; but, please be gently forewarned - unlike him, I wont bite or slap your hand, I'll fucken break it. Naturally, I mean this all figuratively but I think folks get the picture. Thank you for reading.

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Contemplating Pozland..... - Sunday, December 26, 2010

One of the nicest things about being fortunate enough to have sucha nice chunk of time off for the holidays is that when it comes to writing in my blog, there are no time constraints whatsoever and I just totally love it! No rushing to get a piece written in this-or-that timeframe, no proof-reading at supersonic speeds; and, for those times when I do write at work, no worrying about a supervisor or co-worker walking into my office unexpected. It just feels so free right now. Granted, I do have commitments with my various family members and have thoroughly enjoyed the time I have spent with them thus far (knock on wood, or Sarah Palin's brain, whichever one you happen to be closest to at the moment) but it's also so very wonderful to have those lee-way time periods where one can just chill and/or vegetate. And write. Honestly, I didnt think I'd be writing in this blog at all till after the New Year but like with almost everything else in life, I am just gonna continue to go with the flow on all of that.

Speaking of which, I wasnt even gonna write about my old chatroom that I use to have on ChatUniverse many years ago, Pozland, but today it feels right to address the subject. Not just because it has to do with Christmas or holiday memories, but because when we do remember people, places and things at this time of the year, it makes me smile profusely when I think of Pozland. Granted, some folks pooh-pooh the chatroom circuits these days but back in the day as they say, Pozland was anything butta normal chatroom. I created/registered it in early 1996, either February or early March, and it was in existence until late 1998, when I was diagnosed with the cancer. Like so many other aspects of my internet existence back then, most of it, including my beloved Pozland, fell to the wayside because quite frankly, I had to concentrate on winning that battle as well as keeping my non-internet life together and running as normally-functioning as was possible at the time.

What set Pozland apart from all the other chatrooms out there, not just the Hiv'er/AIDS chatrooms but all chatrooms, is that it really was a total and complete safe haven for all those Hiv+ and/or who had AIDS, their partners, their families, their friends and any and everyone who felt affected by the AIDS epidemic in any way, shape or form. Let me tell you, if there is even the most remote chance that a chatroom could be described in the sense that it really shined, then Pozland truly shined. It really did. On any given night of the week, from the time I opened that room up when I got off of work (back in those days I usually got home by 6 p.m.) until I would go to bed late at night, usually by 1 a.m., or on the weekends, even later yet(!) that place was like a gigantic Hiv+ version of Cheers! I'm not shitting you one bit. It was nothing to have between 60 to 75 people chatting non-stop till the wee hours of the morning. During those weekends, none of us gave a second thought to staying up all night talking till 3 or 4 a.m. just talking and sharing with each other, until it was time for me and/or the CSA's to call it a night and close it down for the evening. But it was more than just people chatting, many of us would exchange phone numbers and set up our own personal off-line support systems too, for that chatroom really did foster a sense of what the term "extended family" is all about. After all, whether you are Hiv+ or are battling any other disease out there, it's always good to know - actually, more like a profound relief - that when you have those lonesome or frustrating moments, there is always someone right there to talk to about it - always. Making certain that no one ever ever felt truly alone, that's what the original Pozland was originally designed for.

Dont get me wrong, sometimes bigots, haters and rednecks would crash it but if not myself, there was always a CSA closeby to give any individuals such as those the good ole swift kick right outta the room, as well as the permanent ban. Yes, one of the things I truly loved about Pozland was that - the safety, the privacy, the extremely high comfort level that most folks felt when coming there, comfortable enough to simply let down their hair and be themselves. In fact, at one time I almost did change it's name to "Hiv+ Safe Haven" but that name simply didnt sound the greatest to me, kinda dorky-sounding in a way, so Pozland it stayed. Would it still be around had I not lost all my internet connections during the few months I was laid-up due to the cancer? I'd like to think it woulda but I really dont know. And quite frankly, if I ever were to attempt to revive it I dont know how all that would go. With the exception of this current holiday vacation that I am on, when would I ever find the time to manage something like that? I simply dont think I could devote the time and energy that would be required for it, at least not right now. Now maybe something like an internet social group would be something I could handle time-wise but I just dunno. Guess I would have to give it a try and see what would happen.

Yes, creating a Facebook version of Pozland is something I have been thinking about for the last month or so. I know first-hand what its like to be an openly Hiv+ person in groups that are both insensitive as well as indifferent towards people like me. In fact, I did have a negative experience in one such group not too long ago and although I have put it behind me, the resentment and hurt that it personally caused me is something that I just cant seem to shake. I dont think I ever will. It's one of those emotionally traumatic experiences that can continually resonate in the most hardened of shells, even my own. But, rather than dwell on something such as that, you got two choices - either deal with it and try to forget about it OR deal with it and take that hurt, that pain, that anguish, convert it into positive energy (no pun intended) and learn from it. Take action. Do something about it.

When I opened the original Pozland so many years ago, I made a promise to myself and to others that I would never ever allow anyone to denigrate those who are Hiv+ or have AIDS in any way, shape or form. No exceptions whatsoever. Debates and disagreements of any degree?Perfectly fine. But making a personal affront towards someone because they are Hiv+ or have AIDS? I dont think so. Without sounding martyr-like to any degree, I vowed that if any such people even considered penetrating the double-hulled walls of Pozland I would figuratively grab them by their throats and instantly throw them to the curb where such trash belonged. Fuck civilities, fuck good manners, fuck allowing the little guy to be harmed just as long as the greater majority are not in the least bit affected. Anyone out there who is foolhardy enough to fuck with me or my people will figuratively be knocked down to the cement and they will not be getting back up, on that they can most assuredly count on. 

Now I'll admit, there is much more for me to learn about starting a group on Facebook and I'll admit, I'm not as computer-savvy as some of my contemporaries are, but I think now is the time to recreate Pozland in this final week of the old year so that it will be in full operation in time for the New Year and beyond. People who identify with others who are going through the same daily, as well as long-term, challenges that are part of the full picture of what its like to be Hiv+ and/or have AIDS do need a fortress of commaraderie and solitude away from the unfathomable cruelties and harsh realities of the outside internet world - and in Pozland they will have just that. I may or may not succeed in my efforts, but anything that is challenging is usually always worth it in the long run, especially if you give it your heart-n-soul. I'm gonna do it. Tonight. Right now. As soon as this piece is published, Pozland once again becomes reality. Thank you for reading.

 

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

A Christmas Dedication - Friday, December 24, 2010

I know I know, if anyone had told me that I'd be writing in my blog on Christmas Eve I woulda said to them "Are you totally whacked outta your friggin mind!?!?!" But, sometimes truth can be stranger than fiction and I think this is one of those times. Hey, it's Christmas Eve and I most certainly do not expect anyone out there to be interrupting their holidays plans just to read this blog. In fact, that's probaly one of the reasons why I am writing this right now, because while everyone else is celebrating, I need to let my guard down just a little bit more than I usually do in order to write this. Besides, all my relatives are at church - or "that nasty little bastion of organized religion" as I so aptly refer to it as - and I have some time to myself. Some time to breathe. Some time to think. I'm really not sure how this is all gonna go but it actually feels right to put what I wanna say into words. I dont even know if what I am about to say is even going to get through to the individual whom I will be addressing this to but being a giant believer in the magical aspects of Christmas, as well as a sane, rational adult, I'd like to look at it all this way - when you send out something good, something pure, something totally unselfish, to the Universe, it's extremely difficult to imagine that what you hope to receive in return, if anything at all, would be something bad, you know? In other words, this is one of those times when I'm gonna be taking a chance and hoping that what I say will make a positive impact in the life of another. Just this once, for him, for me.

This one single time, it simply has to. I cant imagine the person whom I will be speaking to directly in this piece, or any person for that matter, having any type of a negative reaction toward it. I mean, if the guy was married or involved with someone else (in either case I then wouldnt be writing this to begin with!) I could imagine him feeling uncomfortable to an extent, or perhaps even somewhat embarassed I suppose; but, if he's even a quarter of the real person I believe him to be, he will have some kind of a positive reaction. Or at least one would hope. No, I've thought about this for quite some time now and I must say that when it comes to him, the man whom this goes out to, I will tell him upfront, right now, simply this - I've gone through too much in my life to not say how I feel about you. Too many times in my life, hell, in everyone's lives, we say to ourselves after connecting with another person "Oh, if only I had told him this or that, what if I had told him this or that? Maybe things woulda turned out different. Yes, they woulda turned out totally different." I'll tell you right now, I'm not one of those people who gets into second-guessing life because I know all too well how extremely fast it can flicker by you. And you see, I just cant do that anymore with you, I dont wanna waste valuable-life-time pondering any and all "What If's?" when it comes to you and I. You need to know now exactly how I feel. You need to know now.

Quite awhile back, a very close friend and I hadda conversation regarding my lovelife - more like, the lack thereof! - and I told her there were a few guys out there who caught my attention but no particular prospect at the time of our conversation. We even talked about infautations and things like that and I told her that I suppose I could always write one of those anonymous love-letters that you see or hear about in movie plotlines and the like and see what happens. But she cautioned me and told me something that no one else has ever told me regarding that subject. When you write an anonymous, bubbly, mushy love-letter to someone, naturally because of the anonymous angle they dont know it's you, what good does it accomplish? I thought about it back then, just as I am thinking about it this very moment and I'd have to say, she's right, there probaly isnt any good it can accomplish except for one thing - it does, via the writen word of course, validate the feelings that you have for the other person. However, this is not that type of scenario because the person whom I am writing this to will know it's me because he does read my blog, on quite a regular basis. So, what may or may not end up being something that closely resembles a love-letter to any degree, will definitely be received by the person for whom its intended for.

On that note, now that the groundwork has been laid, allow me to begin. But, just one more thing before I proceed, just one more thing I need to say, one more thing I need to make totally clear to the recipient of this blog entry. I realize that after reading this dedication to you, you may not even be the least bit interested in anything I had to say; BUT, at least I took the time to say it, I gave it my best shot and even after all is said-n-done if you still have no desire to take this further with me, it's okay. It doesnt make you a bad person, it simply means you're a human being and there certainly is nothing wrong with that. At least you will have taken the time to read what I had to say and hopefully somehow respect me for doing so, even if you dont see eye-to-eye with me. Okay, time to bring this Baby in for a landing..........

I know that sometimes when you look at me all you see are all these people fluttering about demanding my attention here-n-there and I gotta admit, there are times when I look at you in the same way but there's something I think you really need to know. While those whirlwinds of activity are enmeshing both of our lives, dont think for one second that I'm not thinking of you, because I am. We could be in a cross-fire hurricane, a thronging mass of thousands of people or perhaps viewing one of the 8th Wonders of the World, and there is no way on this earth that I would ever lose focus on all that is you. It's like one of those extremely rare real-life moments where all this noise-n-clutter is going on all around you and then your eyes meet each others and its like the entire world stops. For those few fleeting moments of that kind of visual contact it truly is like everything is suspended in time and you whisper to yourself "Oh God, please dont ever let this end....let it go on and on...".Yes, that's the type of impact you've had on me ever since we first connected and started communicating with each other.

I wil admit, it's hard sometimes to know how two people feel about each other, even as well as they may communicate with each other, especially when it's not possible to read each others facial expressions and body language. But, when there is that unexplainable, almost spiritual-like connection that exists between two people, it causes you to think to yourself "Wow, this is real, this is not part of my imagination" and it makes you wanna say to the other person "I feel you, I feel you so close." Whether in real life, on the internet, or any other medium, that's called a person's essence and when you pick up on it and begin to sense it, it can be as addictive as any other drug out there. Sure, it can be sensual, it can be erotic, it can be any and everything you feel, but when you discover it you find yourself drawn to it over and over again. Very soon after, you find yourself wanting more, wanting to learn more about the other person, as well as fine-tuning any near-psychic antennae you may have about that person. Obsession? No, most certainly not, it's just that when you find yourself wanting to get to know a person better, sometimes that's all the magic you need.

Sometimes I do wonder what it would be like to hold you in my arms. I think of all the things I'd want to tell you, not just the loving, romantic things that are shared between two people who really rock each other's worlds, but sometimes I imagine holding you and not saying a single damn word. I know, with my mouth, can you believe that? Trust me, it shocks me to even be writing that to you but it's true. I imagine just holding you, and not saying this-or-that to entice and/or capture your heart, but rather holding you close, feeling your chest pressed against mine and feeling your heart beating and simply absorbing the solitude and infinity of sucha moment as that. Whenever I get nervous I tend to laugh - okay, laugh a lot, depending on the situation- and I cant help but laugh this very moment for I wonder to myself "Is he asking himself whether or not I have gone totally loco or what??" Hey, it's very hard to write about such emotions for the first time, especially when one does have to realistically contend with the possibility of flat-out rejection but that is one area of all of this that I refuse to leave to conjecture. With all due respect, I've gotta a very good handle on how I feel about you as well as how to approach things with you - hey, I'm ready to take a chance and get to know you better. The only thing now is that I dont know if you are ready. You've been giving me an awful lotta mixed messages the last couple of months but what to do next, well, I cant decide that for you, only you can make that decision. I can tell you one thing - you know all those hurdles in life that we've mutually experienced? Taking a chance on you and I is alot less threatening and alot less unpredictable than those things because quite frankly, I dont think you'd ever lose on me.

Don't be afraid to take a chance, I mean, c'mon, what does either of us have to lose? What are you so afraid of? Whatever it is, I wanna be there for you to help pull you through cause the only way I would ever in a million years shut the door on you is if you asked me to. If you were to tell me pointblank "Uh, look Sparky, this aint gonna work" then I would accept and respect your feelings; but, I wont know how you feel about anything until you simply take that chance and open up to me. Maybe in that one regard we are different from each other - I throw my heart on the table and say "Let's get to being real Baby" and maybe that frightens you about me the way it has several others. It's okay, I'm not judging you, I just wanna get through to you and then after that happens, if you dont want anything to do with me, fine. But, I feel I deserve the chance, I feel that I am worthy of your time. Trust me, if I didnt, I wouldnt be sitting here writing this to you right now - I'd actually be rummaging through the cupboards looking for those homade Date Pinwheel cookies Aunt Nanette made for Christmas!

I really dont know how else to get through to you, which is perhaps another reason I chose to write to you via my blog. I've been direct, honest, upfront and consistent and if you dont know by now that I do indeed have (or at the least, feel I have) some fairly profound feelings for you, then maybe it really is me, maybe I do have a problem after all! But Sweethaht, ya cant blame a guy for trying. You may think I'm a pretty tough act to follow but I think it's more the other way around. Oh Hell, let' face it, when it comes to personalities as headstrong as your's and mine, it'd be a miracle if there werent some kinda sparks either way. I'd love to say to you this very moment "Can you imagine how unbeatable we'd be if we were together?" But then I immediately think after writing/saying that "But this isnt about the worlds we frequent, it's about us." Then I take it just one more tiny step further and realize that it is you and I that I am talking about. With our honesty, our passion for life, our strength of spirit against all kinds of adversities on the road of life that exist out there, Hell, we really would make a good team. Right now as I write this I just wish I could hold you close to me and whisper in your ear "C'mon, open your heart to me, I wont hurt it, I promise....."

It's funny, figuratively standing naked before you (in the literal sense, oh that's another blog entry unto itself) it's not any easier than when I sit down to write about the variety of topics or subjects which I normally cover. But please know right now that you're more than just the words I write on this computer screen, you're more than just what those words mean. Gee, maybe I should stick to being the hard-assed bastard I occassionally come across in my writing but I cant, not when it comes to you. Its like that giant wall that I've purposely built between HivSpice and the real me starts a-shaking and a-rattlin and acts like it's gonna come tumblin down every single instant that the real me wants to meld with the real you. I know, that's not exactly waxing poetic but I dont know how else to describe it.

It's Christmas Eve and though I am anticipating the quality time that I'll be spending with my Grandma and several of the relatives I actually get along with while here in the Midwest for the holidays, in my heart-n-soul its you that I'm thinking about. I wonder what you're doing this very moment. Are you looking out the window, watching the snowflakes falling and smiling at the blinking Christmas lights, and thinking of me as I am thinking about you? If you could only imagine how much I'd wanna be sitting next to you, holding you in my arms so close to me, looking at the Christmas tree lights as the flickering of the lit candles nearby makes the shadows on the wall dance like they've never danced before; and, telling you how much you mean to me and how much I would like just one chance, just one single chance, to be able to love you. When you actually sit down and take a moment to think about all the shit that goes on in both of our lives, that's not really asking too much is it? It isnt, is it? Then again, I cant make those decisions by myself, you need to make those decisions too, as it should be. So thank you, thank you for finally listening to what I had to say. Selfishly, I'm hoping you'll lean more in my favor but either way, just wanted to let you know, I am very proud and thankful to even be considered your friend. I hope that's something we never lose. 

Chrismas-time truly can be a magical time of the year because it's one of those rare times during the year where if anything good, anything great, anything even with the slightest hint of being considered a miracle, can happen, the possibilities are greater than on any other date of the year . Or so we've been told via the stories and legends that are handed down to us over the years. Yeah, I feel very confident and very good about writing what I did tonight because as I mentioned when I first started this piece - everything I have written comes from the heart and there is nothing wrong or negative about. Perhaps on a personal level it could be considered somewhat selfish but I dont think so. Not when you see the beauty and awe of another human being's psyche in front of you and you find yourself so damn entranced by it that you want to learn more about that person and possibly become part of the bigger picture of their life. Maybe I have made a fool of myself this evening, I dunno but one thing I do know is this - I will always stand true to myself and to those who are or become a part of my life. To anyone who may have taken the time to read this entry, a very special Thank-You and Best Wishes for a very Merry Christmas & A Happy New Year to you and all your loved ones. Thank you for reading.

 

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Christmas With The Relatives - Monday, December 20, 2010

As some of you may or may not recall, I'll be leaving Boston to head back to the Midwest to spend the holidays with various family members this week. For any of us who live far away from the regions where we were born, returning for a holiday visit isn't always the Norman Rockwellesque Christmas scene everyone else envisions it to be. It some cases it can be filled with an entire sleigh-full of anxiety and apprehension. Hell, the pangs I feel in my gut about leaving Boston on Wednesday morning are similiar to the discomfort a good mother or father feels when they drop their 5 year-old off at school for their very first day of kindegarten - you know it's all gonna turn out in the wash but in the meantime you continuously say to yourself "Oh, I hope I'm doing the right thing, what if this-or-that happens???" Suffice to say, Boston will survive my abscence, I just hope I do too.

Dont get me wrong, I'm already very excited about the thought of seeing my Grandma and spending time with her. I love her and miss her dearly but quite frankly, she really is the main reason I make this trek every year. With being 88, as much as I want her to live forever I know that that simply is not realistic, so anytime I can afford to go back for Christmas, I will. As for the rest of my family members, well, let's just say that when it comes to ole' Spice here, you're always gonna get the truth about any and every aspect of my life. Bottom line is this - when my Grandma is no longer alive, I will not be making these Christmas trips anymore. Oh, I'll go back to visit the area where I was born-n-raised every now-n-then but it's not going to be a #1 Top Priority like it is now. Because when my Grandma dies, the main family support I have shared with her and been blessed with because of her, will be gone. Yes, it will live on in the memories I have of her, I'm not saying that, but when that time comes it's gonna be a very different world for me.

Though I did come out at a fairly early age, 16, even with my family knowing that I have been openly gay all these years, as well as open to them about my Hiv+ status, those arent the reasons why I have tensions with various family members, but I'm sure they compound the real reasons. No, I'm not gonna go on a diatribe about how much I despise the Midwest either because let''s call a spade a spade here - just because I have a very negative relationship with several of my family members does not mean that every family in the region where I come from is the same exact way. In other words, the way a group of people behaves has nothing to do with the geographical location where they reside. I'll admit, there have been times when I've made it sound that way but that's only because of what I like to appropriately call "the family bullshit." Such bullshit doesnt have to happen just at Christmas-time, it can happen on any given day of the year. Yeah, actually, looking back even further in retrospect, I can see how who I am could add to their personal conflicts with me.

When it comes to my family, I am what is considered the dirtiest of the infamous "black sheep syndrome", as I prefer to call it. For some unexplainable reason - though I'm sure that Freud or Jung would have a heyday with the people I'm related to! - their mentality is this - IF you choose to leave the Midwest and you go out and live your own life and are truly happy, that makes you bad, you're a bad person and you need to be punished because goddamn it, you had the nerve to get the fuck outta there and make a life for yourself WITHOUT their help, their approval and/or their stamp of approval! In addition, if you go back there for anything else outside of a visit, then you need to be punished, even annihalated mentally because you are bad, goddamn you, you are bad AND on top of it, you better sacrifice everything to the Church and its concept of what is God because your life wouldnt be in the state its in if you would go to Church every goddamn Sunday and worship God for the horrible, nasty, rotten fucken sinner you are! Goddamn you to fucken living hell for even entertaining the thought of thinking with a free mind, a free heart, a free soul! Yeah, it most sincerely is THAT bad back there. Therefore I ask any of you out there this - is it really any wonder why my contempt for my family sometimes breeds contempt for the area where they live? Quite frankly, I can't imagine anyone not feeling the way I do about it, especially if they woulda lived in the same identical environment that I did so many years ago. My Grandma was the only shining light I had during those formative years - and even beyond.

Alotta people dont know this, but after I went through the cancer I was just too damn sick afterwards to go back to work immediately, so I took several months off, and went back to a place where I knew for a fact I could heal myself and rebuild my inner strength to take on the world again, literally - my Grandma's house. Someday I must write an entire piece dedicated to that one single place because a lot of who and what I am as a human being originated in those very walls. A rather modest, simple-looking older home to others but for me, it truly was a magical, safe haven where I could literally stabalize and re-energize my psyche. My Grandma knew all of that which is why she welcomed me there, because like myself she knew if I was ever gonna pull through all the way, it was because of the unconditional love and acceptence I received from her, ever since I was a small child, that was gonna recharge my inner spirit. It worked too. In less than 8 months I was back home in Boston. Of course, I also had to contend with a tremendous amount of naysaying from my other family members who would visit there.

I remember all kinds of things that were said but they werent much different from what I described two paragraphs up. Oh, the purely unadulterated bullshit I heard! Things like "Well you know, you wouldnt be going through these hard times if you woulda given yourself totally to God." Totally give myself to God? What the fuck is up with that pseudo-psycho Children-of-the-Corn-like crap they peddle back there? Whoever or whatever is responsible for creating me, made me with a set of brains to use and a heart overflowing with compassion; brainwashing had nothing to do with it whatsoever. Those people back there are absolutely right - I am different from them. But different in the sense that I learned a long time ago that if you wanna succeed in life you gotta get up off your ass and make it happen cause Honey, no one is gonna friggin hand it to you, I'll tell you that. Unless, of course, you marry rich, but that's never been the case for me! Whether you belong to any certain religion or not, going to church never ever solved any of my problems, I had to learn to do that on my own.

Of course, being Hiv+ has always made me an even more "bad person" in my family's eyes because that's what I get for "being gay" and loving another man. "Being gay" is okay but now that I am Hiv+, well, that's God's personal reaction to it all. No one knows how many times I've watched that one episode of "Designing Women" where the exact same issue was covered and thought to myself "Oh, if people only really knew." But bless my Grandma throughout it all. Any time anyone would (or still does) make comments about it, that dear sweet woman who never swore a word in her life will let out one helluva string of words for all ears to hear "Knock it off with that bullshit! You people are cruel, sick bastards!" No shit! You'd walk by her, see her sitting in her rocker and would never in a million years expect someone as meek and demure-looking as her to use such raucous language, let me tell you!

Unlike some of the other Hiv'ers I know, I'm not gonna candycoat any of this stuff for anyone out there, because it's the reality I live. Do you know what my family told me when Jack died? "Oh, gee, we're sorry to hear that. How's your job? Have you found a church to go to yet?" That's it. No moral support, no sympathy cards, nothing but a loada coldhearted, unfeeling gibberish - and that was it. Do you wanna know the only time I hear from or see any of immediate family members? When I am close to death. During the cancer, sure, I saw my Mom and one of my sisters - once - but that was it. Wait, there was one other person, the only person in my entire family that has always, continuously been there for me - my Grandma. When Jack died she not only called once a day, she gave me comfort, she sent a card and she even sent flowers. And, when I went through the cancer, guess who was waiting for me once I came outta recovery from the surgery? Guess who went with me and held my hand through a few of those long chemo sessions? You guessed it, good ole' Grandma. A person can't putta pricetag on something like that but if I had to, I could truthfully say that that dear woman is worth every single penny I spend on those trips to go visit her; and, so much more.

I dont think I need to go any further in my description of what kinda people my family members really are and besides, I dont want this piece to be about me pissin-n-moanin about those scallywags. All I wanted to do is give the full scoop (more like a load or two) of what it's like to deal with them during the holidays. Be that as it may, I'm not gonna let any of them ruin my Christmas spirit for I intend to have one helluva great Christmas this year. Looking so damn forward to spending time with Grandma, as well as several of my cousins too, two of which I'll be staying with while I'm there. Usually I getta rental car and stay in a hotel when visiting my relatives but this year I simply cant afford it. Oh well, now you at least know why I wanted to win big at Foxwoods this past Saturday night! I'm gonna have alotta fun once I get there - visiting with folks, doing a bitta shopping here-n-there and sleeping-in as late as I possibly can every single day!

Yes, I know I'll survive the visit back there just fine but still, I do envy all those people out there who have the picture-perfect "Twas The Night Before Christmas" holiday season with their family members. It must be nice though I suspect everyone out there has a certain degree of family friction to contend with during the holidays, it's just that there are some folks out there such as myself who are more open and honest about it. Whatever your holiday plans are, I think that staying true to yourself and keeping it real are the only two essential components that you need in order to contend with whatever family crap that may come flying your way. Like so many others out there, I truly wish the holidays could be a time of utter and complete peace but no matter how unrealistic that may be to expect in certain families, there's certainly nothing wrong in striving for it, just as long as you dont lose yourself along the way. Thank you for reading.

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Thoughts On Fourty-Five - Monday, December 20, 2010

This past Friday I hadda very nice birthday day & evening, thanks to all the friends and family who sent me some of the best Happy Birthday wishes I have ever recived in my entire life - wow! I kept saying that word over and over again, so I think it's extremely fitting that I send a special Thank You to everyone out there who thought of me on that day. 45. Wow. I truly never thought I would ever live to see this birthday, like so many other people who I knew way-back-when, I thought I woulda bit-the-dust by now but thank God (in all His/Her incarnations) I'm still here. It's funny, but that's probaly one of the very few things that I have in common with one of my music idols, Ronnie Spector - I probaly look back on the summer of '83 the same exact way she looks back on the summer of '63 - wow, that was so long ago but damn Ronnie, we still gotta lotta livin' left in both of us. At least that's how I feel and I hope that wherever she is at the moment I am writing this, she feels the same way too. After all, what better attitude to have?

Right before I close a piece, in most cases a paragraph or two before the final paragraph, I'll usually discuss one of those "Hey! I learned something about all of this" angles which I feel might have enough relevance to share with my readers, but because I doubt that many folks are gonna wanna hear about what I did on my birthday (nothing fancy, just so you know), I wanna cover one of those self-realizations right now. I suppose that writing about one's birthday could be a lesson in vanity but you know me, I'm too simple to be concerned with such superflous things.

In several of my earlier pieces I've mentioned that I couldnt understand this one pattern which I keep encountering here on the internet, where people say they really REALLY wanna get to know me better and then the instant they realize that I'm justa normal, average person they become uninterested or even bored, and then they gradually fade away from me, some to the point where it's like we never even hadda conversation with each other to begin with. Personally, I think that's sad, just very sad. However, a few folks have shared with me (volutarily as well as when I have personally inquired of them) their theories regarding this pattern, such as the issue of my anonymity as well as the fact that I have no real profile pic but rather a logo. While their theories do make perfect, legitimate sense to me, I dont buy into any of that and I'll tell you why.

Point bank, my consistency. Like anyone else out there I have given myself reality checks here-n-there and I have come to this conclusion - it really is other people that are causing this pattern, not me. It's not me. The way that I talk with others, reach out to them, you name it, has not changed one single iota in all the years that I've been online. Granted, the majority of my Facebook friends dont know that about me because I've known most of them less than 1 years time, but still, that is the truth, Therefore, again, it can't be me. Logical, human reasoning dictates as well as substantiates otherwise. Consistency. Being yourself. Without those two things there is no way that you can be anything but yourself. So that's what I'm gonna continue to do - just be myself, continue to be consistent and let the chips fall where they may, as they say.

As I was saying earlier, my birthday was very nice this year, but as can be expected in life, it didnt exactly turn out the way I expected it to. Usually, wherever I am, whatever I am doing that day, if I happen to be alone I try to have my very own tiny little celebration, which generally equates to buying myself a nice little dinner (I hate cooking for one, just hate it), then either a piece of cake from the Cheesecake Factory restaurant or one of the bakeries in the North Shore area and then coming home and watching something good on tv or hanging out online, nothing too exciting by any means! 

But this year was different. I was suppose to get off work early on Friday night but that was shelved when one of my co-workers called in sick so all I did that night was just come home and relax online. Saturday, a former neighbor and her family invited me over for dinner as well as to celebrate my birthday and it was very nice. She made her world-famous Lasagna which was outta this world (boy, I really oinked myself through that meal, damn) and for desert, homade Carrot Cake, decorated birthday-cake style - it was so pretty! As for the flavor, let's just say that I think my stomach actually hadda orgasm over it, regardless of whether or not that is even physically possible! It was a very nice birthday celebration and then after afterwards as we were sitting around having coffee, the big question popped outta my neighbor's mouth "So, it's your birthday, do you wanna go?" and I turned and looked at her and her niece and said "Oh, what the fuck?" So, as my friend Jed would say, I went "gambilizing" on my birthday!

It was fun and I'm not complaining guys, but that too did not go as I expected. In the first place, as much as I love playing the slots, that night was the 1st night ever that I bombed out on my birthday! No shit. Granted, I took only $27 with me but I couldn't win to save my friggin life, not even on my most favorite of machines, "9 Suns!" When you go to a casino you gotta go with the attitude that you're there to have fun and I did, but I gotta admit, it was a bit depressing not winning on my birthday this year. Last year I took a miniscule $10 and turned it into $180, thanks to "Neptune's Kingdom II." But oh well, gambliing is like everything else in life, you're always taking a chance, plain-n-simple.

Secondly, something else happened that night which taught me a lesson, a lesson I've encountered a few times before in the last several years or so, but something that really hit home Saturday night. When friends, family, or anyone, invites you to go to any casino, make sure BEFOREHAND that you establish some mutually agreeable time-frames with all parties involved. Please allow me to illustrate what happens when one doesnt do that. We arrived at Foxwoods at 7:30 p.m. and by 9:10 p.m. I was out the $27 I brought with me. However, my former neighbor was on a major winning streak (yeah, she put $21 into a "Bombay" machine and turned it into $418 by the time all was said-n-done), so guess who ended up walking around the casino and stopping at every other casino eatery for coffee most of the evening? You guessed it. We didnt leave the casino till 2:45 a.m. that morning! Yes, I did let her and the other folks we went with know that I was done gambling for the evening but when someone else invites you to go somewhere, you dont say "Okay, I'm done, let's get the hell outta Dodge" not even under those circumstances, so I just hung in there. Times like these are when I wished I did have my own car, let me tell you. When I got home, I crashed so fast I dont even remember my head hitting the pillow!

So all-in-all, I did have a pretty good birthday this year. Like with everything else in life, it certainly was better getting out and doing something with others than doing something by myself, not that I dont value solitude when I need it, but you know what I mean. Am laughing right now as I look back on what I've written in this piece cause if you attempt to read in-between the lines, one might come up with the impression that for my 45th birthday all I did was become a major loser atta casino and attempted to reflect on someone else's life (Ronnie Spector) and trust me, neither could be farther from the truth. I went to the casino with my friends to have fun and that's exactly what I did. Sure, it woulda been nice to come home with a bit of a profit but oh well, that's just the way it is sometimes. As for Ronnie Spector, please, as much as I have always enjoyed her music, let's face it, she doesnt even know who the hell I am. I guess what I'm trying to say is this - it doesnt matter who you are or how old you become, when it comes to life, just give it your best shot and roll with the punches because none of us truly knows how it's all gonna turn out in the long run anyways. Thank you for reading.

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

My Christmas Wishlist For 2010 - Thursday, December 16, 2010

One of the greatest things about a wishlist is that the wishes on them can be as realistic or unrealistic as you damn well please them to be, or they can be a combination of both. Usually when folks think of a wishlist they automatically assume that you are making a list of gift items that you'd love to get for Christmas or for any other occassion; however, this is not that type of wishlist. This particular wishlist is a list of things that I'd like to wish for the world, for my friends and for myself. Albeit, I already know that some of them may be down-to-earth, way-up-above-the-clouds or perhaps a mixture of both, but since they do come from the bottom of my heart-n-soul, I personally think that's what matters most. In addition, I not only wish these things for Christmas, but for the New Year and beyond because no matter whenever a person makes a wish that comes from the heart, it's something that is real, something that can even be eternal. Damn, now I'm beginning to sound like Jane Seymour for Kay Jewelers!

My 1st wish is, naturally, the total and permanent eradication of AIDS, followed by every other disease on this planet. This year, and every year, I have a lot to be thankful for, especially the fact that I am still alive. There isn't any greater gift than that, the gift of life and Heaven knows I thank my lucky stars for that one. No matter how many ups-n-downs I've personally experienced, I know it could always be worse, so I am thankful for what I have. But I want more. I dont wanna live like this anymore, never being able to plan too far into the future because as much as I know how important it is to take it one day atta time and live life to the fullest each day, there's always that lurking "What if this-or-that happens?" in the back of mind. Dont be mistaken, we long-term survivors of Hiv arent the only ones who think that way, ask anyone else dealing with a major chronic and/or fatal disease (Cancer survivors especially know what I am talking about and I'm not saying that because I happen to be one of those too) and they will tell you the same exact thing. Even with all the medical experiences I've had over the years, yes, I have still been able to do everything I've ever wanted to do with my life, I have still been able to accomlish all the things I would've accomplished had I been Hiv- all these years. Except for one.

I've always wanted my own kid. Okay, maybe 2 or 3, but still, just one woulda been so great. Oh I know, there are a ton of Hiv+ parents out there and they are doing just fine (much love to each and every one of them and their families this holiday season and beyond) but with being a single person and with my medical track record, there is no fucken way in Hell I could do that to a child - bring them into this world, only to run the extremely high risk of having to say good-bye to him/her due to one-of-a-zillion medical scenarioes that could go severely awry. No way. No way would I put the life and well-being of a child in the way of something as probable as that. Children, for the most part, need a parent(s) who is in good health and who will always be there for them come hell-or-high-water. If things change somewhere down the road then I'll always be open to becoming a parent but until any of that happens, I shall have to keep that on the backburner for now. So yeah, basically I wanna cure for AIDS not just because I'm sick of being Hiv+ (no pun intended) but because I wanna chance at being something I've wanted to be all my life - a parent.

My 2nd wish is that I want that terribly horrible war-crap in Afghanistan, as well as the pressure-points in the MiddleEast, Northern Korea and the world over, to end. Now I do realize that the USA and its allies are fighting this war as a means to diffuse the situation from getting worse but guess what? It's not getting any better. Personally, I think it's time to call it quitz, get all of our armed forces back home, throw a gigantic party for all the proud women and men who risked their lives for this country, as well as pay a special homage to all those fallen, and simply forget about it. Let those bastards over there slit their own throats, ya know? Maybe, just maybe if America and her buddies would back out of that atrocious mess and allow those countries over there to just literally exterminate themselves, maybe the world would be a better place and not only that, think of all the money that would be saved. Think of all the money that could be used for finding cures to diseases, food, clothing and shelter for the homeless, taking better care of the elderly and so much more. Hey, no bitching about this either you political aficiandos out there - it's a wish, remember? So it can be anything I desire.

My 3rd wish is for my Friends. Aside from my daily wishes of as-gooda-health-as-possible and good fortune for each and every one of them, I want to wish them all great prosperity now and in the near future because there's several of them who have been going through some very borderline-desperate times and I truly worry about each and every one of them. Everyone tells me that I should just be thankful for what I have and not worry about anyone else but I'm not built that way. Besides, anyone who would be as selfish and self-centered as that doesnt deserve to have Friends. For my Friends who are currently going through extremely difficult times at the moment, oh I wish there was so much more that I could do for every single one of you but since I can't all I can do is assure you that if you needa Friend for an ear or a shoulder, consider me there. It will get better, we must have Hope because remember, it's when we give up on Hope that everything is truly lost.

My 4th and final wish is somewhat selfish, not because it's soley for myself, but because when you expect someone else to be a certain way, that is very selfish; but, this is just a dream. Dreaming can break your heart but it cant kill you. My wish is to not only find someone special to love and be my life-partner, but for him to tell me things that I only dare daydream about when I'm having a rough day at work, a lonesome moment in my tiny little apartment, or for those times when I have turned in for the night and then find myself awake at 2 or 3 a.m. in the morning, hoping and praying that that inner restlessness would just fly outta me, open up my bedroom window and get the hell away from me. Perhaps this wish is more unrealistic versus any of the others I've listed thus far because who wouldnt want a personal savior these days? Actually, that's not what I really want from a man, but if, just if it were possible, here's the words I'd want to hear from him.....

'You know Spice, you've been working hard bustin your ass all your life, always living from paycheck to paycheck, living in one tiny hole-in-the-wall studio flat after another, having half your things with you and the other half in storage in the friggin Midwest, and always always trying to keep your head barely above water, this time working 2 jobs back-to-back. Well today is your lucky day Kiddo cause all that bullshit is done with. You're coming to live with me and not in an apartment, but inna house. No more working this-n-that job to pay the rent and the bills, you're going back to working just one job. Your nights are gonna be free, for the first time in a very long time, you're gonna be able to breath Kiddo. We're gonna get all your shit outta storage and bring everything you have to one single permanent location. No more moving here-n-there, you're gonna have a real home, a real home where you can breath and live, a real home where you can settle down and grow some mighty fine roots with me and the local community, and most of all, a real home that has a fireplace where you can burn those gypsy shoes you've been living in for the last 20+ years. Here's whatcha gonna do Spice. You're gonna stop motion itself right now. You're gonna breath. You're gonna inhale and exhale slowly, not rapidly. No more rabid-dog-like survival for you ever ever again. Relax. You're finally gonna relax and finally gonna enjoy life for a change. No more worries, just live Spice, just live."

That's what I would want my dream guy to say to me and I know, I too am not gonna ever hold my breath on this one because I'm more than certain that there are a billion or more of my fellow gay brothers out there who most likely dream the same exact dream I do, if not something closely resembling it. Of course, there might even be a few folks out there who might throw in "Make the dream guy rich too Spice, make him filthy rich!" but whether a dream or a reality, I dont needa rich man. I just need someone to love and who will love me back, someone who will treat me with simple respect as I will him; and, I need someone whom I can look over at during the night while he's sleeping and mumble to myself "You're so damn lucky. You finally have the ultimate dream come true. Dont ever lose him Spice, hold onto him for dear life." That's the kinda man I really wish for.

So those are my wishes for Christmas, 2010, for the New Year of 2011 and for beyond. Every year for Christmas, at least since I've been single (and yes, damn, that is a long time! lol) I go out and buy myself something nice as a treat for myself, whether it be a book, a piece of music, whatever, something stricly for me and me only. No, that's not selfish, I think every year, not just at Christmas, we single folks need to treat ourselves to something special because like everyone else out there, we deserve it. We need to remind ourselves that even if there isn't someone special curled up next to us in bed, or sitting across the kitchen table from us while enjoying a nice cup of coffee and some good conversation, that doesnt mean we should love ourselves and foster our self-esteem any less. Loving yourself, yes, that's a wish I didnt list but it is an extremely important wish nonetheless, as well as something I wish for everyone out there. Whatever your Christmas, Chanukah or holiday wishes are this year, I hope every single one of them comes true - and then some! Happy Holidays everyone and as always, thank you for reading.

 

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Barebackers & BugChasers - Wednesday, December 15, 2010

When one throws their imagination to the wind, I suppose if the AIDS crisis had never taken place, one could conjure up images of people who go rollerblading without wearing their shirts and entomological geeks chasing after various species of cockroaches with tiny insect nets when thinking of those two terms; but, sad to say, that is not the case. I've very briefly touched on both of these terms and their definitions in several of my previous pieces but with the holiday season in full gear, I thought it would be more than appropriate in both timing, as well as content, to discuss them both in greater detail. Actually, I probaly shoulda done so several months ago when I first began writing this blog but as they say, better late than never. I wont lie to any of you, my discussing these two subjects, which go very closely hand-in-hand together, is like repetitively opening a giant can of worms but who better to cover these subjects than someone who is both Hiv+ as well as an Hiv/AIDS activist?

"Barebacking" as the majority of the world knows, but especially us gay men, is the practice of having sex without using a condom, and more or less is the bastard child of the term "unsafe sex." Actually, it's more like the other way around for it is the practice of barebacking that defines what unsafe sexual practices are. Simply by writing this you will now hear the low-grade yelps of several million or more gay men across the globe you will emphatically claim that "Condoms still havent been proven 100% safe!!!" Hey, I may not be a scientist but I will say this much, whether condoms are 100% safe or not, it sure makes me sleep a helluva lot better at night knowing that there is at least something that can be used to prevent more and more people from contracting the Hiv virus. Statistics are not what it's all about people - a more than fairly reliable form of prevention and saving lives is what it's all about. Bottom line, no if's, and's or but's.

Whether you are gay, bisexual, lesbian, transgendered or heterosexual, the most common complaint - more like convenient excuse - why people hate and even refuse to use condoms is the following - "Ewww, it just doesnt feel natural, it doesnt feel right." Well guess what I have to say to that? Dying a good 35 to 50 years ahead of your natural life expectency is not natural or right either, but I think this is one of those times where people need to know and need to learn that if they do not utilize any and all forms of safe-sex guidelines available out there, it's gonna cost them their lives. Getting sick. Getting very sick. And depending on the hands of fate, in many cases losing control of your mental senses, your bodily functions, even your limbs - all these things are not only possibilities but probabilities in a good many cases out there, not just to the point of mild disability but severe disability. Total incapacitation of your body and therefore your entire life. These are the realities of contracing Hiv, which in turn can and does develop into full-blown AIDS. If you think that having one fucktastic night of deep meaningful sex with someone who is the idealistic universe of all your sexual fantasies wrapped up into one single individual is worth risking your very life for, you are totally whacked out of your head! I dont care how wonderful and breathtaking it can be - having sex, getting laid, bumping uglies, doin' the humpty dance, porking someones brains out, knockin' da bootz - the bottom line is this, sex is NEVER worth dying for. Not ever.

The next argument against everything I have just said is another one of those humdingers that makes me just wanna incessantly bitchslap the majority of the GLBTQ and non-GLBTQ communities at large - "Well you're using fear tactics to scare people into listening to what you have to say, oh my fucken God, that is soooooo wrong!!" Let me tell you Sparkies and Sparkarellas out there something - if striking fear into the minds of others is all it takes for people to wake up and use their brains, then so be it. Besides, it's not striking fear, it's telling the truth, it's helping educate people so that they make the wisest and best choices for their lives. Life is so damn precious but in order to preserve it sometimes ya gotta do whatever works to get through to people. And, even if it were really a fear tactic, if it saves lives, it's more than worth it.

BugChasers. Well, that term is definitely one that can be blamed on several of my contemporaries, you know, those Hiv/AIDS activists out there who keep jamming the concept into everyone's face that "Oh, look at me, I'm Hiv+ or I have AIDS and my life is sooooo fucken kewl!! Oh, you know, you need to go out and get infected and then you too can lead the fabulous, publicity-reeking, glamourous existence that I do!!" But just as with Barebackers, this isn't an issue of blame, it's an issue of educating people and hopefully saving lives. Actually, yeah, the blame is also an equally important issue to be very concerned about (more like extremely worried) but first things first.

BugChasers are people who actively seek out dating, having sex or becoming involved with Hiv+ people because for some unknown, inextricable reason, it's a real rush for them to become infected with Hiv because their ideology is "Well, you know we're all gonna get it sooner or later, so might as well thrown all caution to the wind and jump, ya know? Plus it's kewl to be connected with someone who is Hiv+." Whatta load of purely unadulterated bullshit! Why of course your chances of becoming infected are even greater yet if you have unsafe sex with an Hiv'er but this decades old warped philosophy that all gay and bisexual men (as an example) are automatically going to become Hiv+ is totally ludicrous. There is not even one single shred of scientific and/or sociological evidence that even supports such sheer lunacy. The Hiv virus does not discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation, race, creed, culture and so on and so on - it is an Equal Opportunity Killer - got it? I mean, what does it take for people to wake up and smell the friggin coffee? Damn. It just blows my mind that after 30 years into this epidemic, there still is so much widespread ignorance rearding this issue. It's true, those of us who are members of the Hiv/AIDS community still do have our work cut out for us.

As for that loada crap about it being cool and en-vogue to be involved with an Hiv'er? Well, in all fairness to both sides, let's put it this way. If you as an individual truly do care about and even fall in love with someone who is Hiv+, and you are totally genuine and sincere about it because of the person's person, not their disease, well then, hey, I'm happy for you both, that's great because no relationship should be based on whether a person has a certain disease or not, but rather who they are in your life and what they mean to you. However, and this is a big HOWEVER, if you think it's cool being Hiv+, oh God, you need at least a minimum of a six-week evaluatory period at your local mental health facility. There is nothing "cool" about being Hiv+ and if you dont believe that, ask any of us who are Hiv+ and we'll be more than happy to educate you on the subject. Dont get me wrong, that's not to say we are uncool or need to be treated like shit by society (even though there's not one of us who hasnt been treated as such in one or more ways since our initial diagnosis), but there is no special personality trait designated to those of us who have this disease. The majority of us are just common, simple folks like the rest of y'all, we have our ups-n-downs just like everyone else and yes, because we have this disease we do at times have more to contend with than others, but that is equally true of anyone with any disease, not just with Hiv and AIDS. I dont know how much more clearer I can make myself on this subject. Oh, there is one way.

There is nothing cool about being so damn nautious that you find yourself uncontrollably tossing your cookies up several times throughout the day-n-night...nothing cool about being so sick to your stomach that you cant even walk a straight line but are only able to crawl at an extremely slow pace between your bed and your toilet and yes, sometimes you dont even make it that far....nothing cool about having an outbreak of Kaposi's Sarcoma so severe on your body and face that no amount of covering up makes you feel confident enough to leave your home and be seen in public...nothing cool about having diarrhea so bad that what use to take you 15 minutes to do in the morning before you became Hiv+ now takes you 1 and a half hours to do....and most of all, as many of those of my generation can and do claim, there is nothing cool about watching the person who love the most in your life slip away from you while you're holding onto them as tightly and fervently as you possibly can.

Oh, it's true you Barebackers and BugChasers out there, the above scenarioes that I just presented to you may not happen as often as they use to back in the mid and late 1980's but dont any of you who glamourize this disease kid yourselves for one second - they can and still do happen. Yes, it is your blinded rationale that influences each and every one of you to be so misinformed, so uneducated about the not-so-glittery angles of being Hiv+ and/or having AIDS. But it's not totally your faults for thinking and believing the way you do. Now do you finally see some of the things that my fellow Hiv/AIDS activist contemporaries havent been telling you? Doesnt that even in the slighest sense make you feel at least a tiny bit resentful for being misled in sucha major way? I know if I was in your shoes, I'd be royally hocked off, let me tell you. Being misled to the point where you could even lose your lives over it? If any of you out there really truly feel that way, then I suggest you pick out some new role models. 

Dont get me wrong, there are many, very many of my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists who do take the most important messages of all - education and prevention - and get the word out on a continual, daily basis and it is those very same individuals who deserve every single iota of notable acclaim and positive reinforcement that they have justifiably and rightfully earned. As a matter of fact, those very same people and I share something else in common aside from a disease - the practice of trying to make a difference in the lives of others so that we can help educate people and prevent others from risking their lives to this deadly disease. We do not do what we do so that people who are avid Barebackers and BugChasers can infect more and more people. Quite the opposite. We do what we do because point blank, carnal gratification does not do one damn thing in preserving and enriching a person's life, having the information and tools readily available to make the healthiest choices possible does.

Maybe, just maybe, some of you out there can now finally see why I've been so damn adamant at condemning some of the ways my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists present themselves to the general public. Yes, there are some rather brilliant, extraordinary people out there who are doing a beyond-mindblowing job at getting the word out, as I just mentioned in the previous paragraph. However, there are also several out there who have been so goddamn misleading towards the younger generations that that is something that truly worries me. Misrepresentation is one thing, but to the point where one is leading our youth in the wrong direction, even possibly down the path to self-destruction? Now that's downright inexcusable as well as unacceptable.

I also realize that nowadays there are tons of Barebacking and BugChasing organizations and websites out there too but my going after each and every one of them isn't going to stop their founders and leaders from doing what they are doing. I'm very much against waiting for anyone to test Hiv+ in order for them to find out that everything I have spoken of in this piece is the absolute truth but maybe those people who dont listen to me will realize it all once they discover that only they can save themselves. I just pray it's not too late for them when they finally realize it. I wouldnt want anyone to go through even a quarter of the medical situations I've gone through and true, that doesnt mean that they would because it is true that every person's body is different from another; but, I dont even want them to expose themselves to that possibility in the first place. It's all so pointless when you really think about it, ya know? We Hiv'ers do lead just as full and long lives (if not longer depending on the circumstances) as the non-Hiv'ers do; but, if you are Hiv-, please, be proud of that fact, congratulate yourself, celebrate life and simply be thankful for what you have. 

Trust me, regardless if one is leading the glamourous life or the simple life, if you ask any Hiv'er out there what they want most out of life every one of us will tell you the same exact thing - to not be Hiv+. Oh you may run into some Hiv'ers who will jump up on top of a soapbox and proudly claim "I'm Hiv+ and it empowers me! It is my strength! I love it!" but that's only because they are only doing what the rest of us are doing - trying to give special meaning or special significance to something of which they have no control over. They too are the making the best of a very very horrible situation. They'll tell you that's not the way they look at it but dont let them fool you. They have yet to realize that we're all in the same boat together, but they'll get there, eventually.

As I close this piece, I'm sure there will be some folks out there who didnt like to hear what I had to say but try to think how I felt about writing all of this. It's 2010, I should not have even had to have written any of this. After three decades into the AIDS epidemic it still amazes me that people still do not comprehend the following concept - that sex can and does kill. Do I think that people should stop Barebacking and BugChasing? Hell yes I do, but if people arent gonna listen to the truth then I guess they are gonna have to find out the hard way. The only thing worse than the hard way though, at least in this particular scenario, is finding out you have a horrible disease, and that is an eye-opener that I wouldnt wish on anybody. So as the Christmas holiday and the New Year looms closer, I would like to say to all of you what I've been saying for many years now (many years - now THAT'S a phrase to celebrate) - please be safe and if you're gonna play this coming holiday season, please do so responsibly. After all, it could save your life and that alone is something worth celebrating. Thank you for reading.

 

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo