About 4 or more days ago, my blog account here at Posterous.com was hacked and I must admit, whoever my hacker was, they definitely accomplished what they set out to do - throw me into a tizzy of sorts. Within the last 48 hours, after dealing with the powers that be of posterous.com, I got the entire problem straightened out; however, they informed me that there is no guarantee that it wont happen again. All thats left for me to do now is just keep a steady eye on everything and hope that this doesnt happen again; but, the worst thing about dealing with hackers is that you're contending with someone who is an unseen, unknown force in the internet world. I'm a fighter, always have been, but I guess this is one of those times that all there is left to do is just remain aware and alert of the situation and contact the proper channels on an as-needed basis.
None of us likes to feel like we have no control over any given situation in our lives but the particular scenario of getting hacked in any manner online compounds that feeling of helplessness to an even greater intensity. They say thats one of the many reasons people become hackers, for the sheer power-play high from it all, which I personally think is sick. I mean, if a person wants to create power-play struggles, let them do it to their own lives, not in other peoples lives, including mine.
So in the last month, I've had my Facebook account hacked and now, of all things, this blog account and I personally dont get what the hell anyone would have to gain by attacking me in either medium. I mean, if anyone out there thinks they are gonna stop me from being myself or writing in my blog just because they've hacked me, they have another thing coming. Trust me, it'd take a helluva lot more than that to silence my voice. I guess that's another pseudo-psychotic angle to this entire hacking business - people do it safely and comfortably behind the comfort of their own computer screen because they know for a fact they'd never ever get away with it in person.
It's also a bit ironic in a way. Anytime something bad like this happens to me online, many of my friends will rally around me and say "Oh, but everyone just loves you Spice" or "But you're so well-loved" to which I am always flattered by but let's call a spade a spade here, if that were true, do you think people would go around hacking me and others? I appreciate the kindness and the moral support of my online friends and my readers too, but let's face it guys-n-gals, regardless of what we think of others, bad things happen to everyone out there whether we wanna accept that fact or not. I'm no different nor any better than anyone else out there.
Awhile back I vowed that if the Spice name ever got into a major scuffle with anyone for whatever reason, that I'd drop my mask and step in as the real me because even though HivSpice is a mere extension of myself, I wont have anyone slinging mud at him just for the sheer hell of it. But, I cant even do that if I wanted to because again, I dont know who it is I'm dealing with. They are invisible, undectable (at the moment) and I'm for the most part, powerless, just sitting in the water drifting, not being able to raise any steam whatsoever. Oh well, at least now I know how the captain of the French liner FLANDRE felt when his ship lost all power on her maiden voyage back in the summer of '52, not that I needed to know how he felt but you get the picture. Oy.
I havent included any images in this piece because I still dont know if it will even post to publish when I am finished with it. The testing piece I did yesterday tells me that everything here at Luctor Et Emergo has returned to normal but I still wont have any way of really knowing that until I click "Publish" at the bottom of this page.
So before I close this piece, I just wanted to extend a very special Thank You to all my readers, both new and regular, for your patience regarding my not being able to write and publish for the last week or so. I actually did write a piece a coupla nights ago, which took me about 2 and a half hours to write, but when I went to publish it, it was lost, it couldnt get published. It was then that I truly realized there was definitely something not quite right in Denmark. Should this piece post, I do plan to try to re-write the piece that was lost and publish it sometime tomorrow night, Sunday, February 26th but again, only time will tell. And as always, thank you for reading, everyone.
No, I'm not being malicious nor mocking by penning that title. Once Whitney Houston arrives in Heaven and has taken some time to heal herself spiritually after every single rotten trial-n-tribulation she experienced during her earthly life, I want her to stand up in Heaven and sing. I want her to sing like she's never sang before. I want her to belt out every song she ever recorded over the last 30 years and I want her to utilize her strong, rich, velvety voice with every iota of brighteness within her spirit and knock every single chorus of angels off their friggin asses, because I know if anyone can do that, it's definitely Miss Whitney Houston. And when she's done, I want her to look God straight in the eyes and say directly to Him/Her "You may have perfected my soul but you certainly havent refined it. That's something I did on my own. This is who I am. Thank you very much!" Afterwards, I want Whitney Houston to continue to sing for forever and a day because in my heart and soul, that's how she'll always live on within me, doing what she did best.
I'm still in a state of deep shock over the death of Whitney Houston and as I shared with friends online last night and earlier today, I dont know when I'll ever get through that because Whitney Houston was - and still is - someone whom I have a great deal of profound respect and personal reverence for. Sure, I could go on and on about the positive impacts that woman had in my life over the last 30 years but no matter how much I would write, no matter how many adjectives I could use to describe what she really meant to me, I still dont think I could ever adequately cover all those accolades by mere written word. But, I'll try to give it a good old-fashioned summarized college try.
No matter what I have gone through in the last 30+ years of my life, Whitney Houston's voice and her songs carried me through. Whether I was happy, sad or simply pondering life, her music continously reached out to me and sent shockwaves into the heart of my soul because no female singer could meet or exceed the range of her vocal talents, nor the emotions and untamed vibrance that she put into every single song she recorded. She made alotta #1 hits over the years and I loved every single one of them (yes, every single one); but, I also enjoyed her less-than popular songs too. Why? Because it was her who was singing them. 
Since last night, several people have asked me "Well, which song is your ultimate favorite?" When it comes to Whitney Houston, that is an extremely impossible question for me to answer because I have more than one ultimate favorite song of hers that I totally adore. However, be that as it may, if I were to make a list of my favorites, they would be the following, not in any particular order: "I Wanna Dance With Somebody," "One Moment In Time," "I Will Always Love You." "Run To You," and "I Believe In You and Me." Oh, and then there is "So Emotional," "I'm Every Woman" and see what I mean? The damn list goes on and on and on.
If I were to wittle it down though, could I come up with an ultimate favorite? Well, okay, I'll give it a try but the specific version of this particular song, especially locating it, might give music historians a run for their money. Less than 2 months after "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" (1987) hit the charts, Arista released what was called back in the 1980's a "Cassette Single" or "Cassette Maxi-Single" with 4 different versions of the song on it. The true, full-length version of that song IS my ultimate favorite Whitney Houston song. Lemme tell you, I can still remember how many times I drove my partner Jack crazy with how often I listened to that song! It drove that man to beyond distraction but I loved every single second of it because that was always my favorite song by Whitney.
Now, there's alotta folks out there who will refer to that version of the song and say it's on her Greatest Hits 2-cd set but uh-uh, those folks are wrong. The true version of "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" does not have all those breaks and pumped-up bass splits like the Greatest Hits version does. That one Cassette Maxi-Single that Arista released in the summer of 1987, THAT'S the true original version of that song. I still have it too, but it's in storage, totally worn out, barely playable but you guessed it - I'm not parting with it. That song meant the world to me when it first hit the airwaves and it never stopped meaning something to me. Nor has Miss Whitney Houston. Nor will she ever.
Whenever someone we care about dies, whether they are someone we personally know or are related to, or if it's someone prolific and famous like Whitney Houston, we instantaneously and automatically start looking for the prime scapegoat, that particular somneone who influenced the individual in very personally destructive ways, which in turn eventually resulted in their untimely death. Anyone who knows anything about Whitney Houston's life knows exactly who I'm talking about and yes, I'd love to go into a vehement written tirade against that individual, with every might of my strength; but, I'm not going to, at least not yet, because right now I feel the best thing that any of us who loved and admired Whitney can do is send only good thoughts and heartfelt prayers to her directly, as well as to all the family members and loved ones she left behind during this awful, tragic time of sorrow.
At the time of this writing, officials still do not know what caused the death of Whitney Houston but whatever was indeed the actual cause, and regardless of what any of us thinks was the cause, one of the most healthiest things I think any of us can do right now is look back on and celebrate the life of Whitney Houston as well as the music she personally brought into all our lives. And I dont care what anyones spirutual beliefs about death and dying are, I still say that sending her all the prayers of love and good thoughts in her direction is probaly the best thing we can give back to her for all she gave to us. Thank you for reading and remember Whitney, we will always love you.
I'll be the first to admit, I never ever thought I'd be writing about the subject of news reporters, especially after all the significant experiences I've had with them in the past via my relationship with my deceased partner, Jack; but, here I am, 23 years after his death, battling those old demons all over again. It sucks. It sucks having all my old inner defense mechanisms flickering back on to full alert, not just because I never expected to be in sucha position again but because I thought that after all these years, those old sensor buttons were all tuckered out, totally disabled and a thing of the past. Thank God, thank God for things such as the powers of ones memory banks because without those, dealing with such paparazzi-like characters is virtually impossible. But I'm okay, I'm gonna be okay. Giant jolts to the trigger region of my adrenalin gland, but my sanity still intact, as well as my sense or humor - or so I hope.
Let me start out by saying that I dont have a problem with ANYONE who does not agree with the viewpoints, opinions and subject material that I address in my blog entires. As a matter of fact, I wholeheartedly welcome people to actually disagree with me, or voice whatever their comments and viewpoints are at the end of each blog entry. Even when it comes to something such as constructive criticism, that too I do not have a problem with either. I'll listen to and discuss whatever anyone has to say on that count, but whether I agree or disagree with it, I will respect the rights of others to share their voices with me. Talking about and sharing different ideas - if this blog in any way can get people to communicate in such ways with each other, then I think that's just wonderful, that is something I would greatly enjoy as well as appreciate.
However, by the same token, if ANYONE out there is going to attack anything I say or write about in this blog and then take it to the next level, most notably character assasination of myself, then that's where I have a problem with it. I mean, if you dont like what I write and dont have the least bit of respect for me as writer, then please, by all means, stop reading Luctor Et Emergo. This blog is like everything else in my life and your lives too - not everyone is gonna like it and I'm okay with that; but, again, to lecture, chastise, insult and denigrate my strength and integrity of character because of that, well hells bells, pardon me, but that's just downright fucken wrong.
A few days ago, in one of the Facebook groups I belong to, I was very thoroughly - and maliciously I might add - critiqued and attacked for a piece I wrote regarding the Criminalization of the Hiv disease and an individual who allegedly intentionally infected others with the disease. I knew before I even sat down to write that piece that it would be controversial in doing so but I had to take a chance and write it anyways because I needed to get how I felt inside off my chest. Well, there was indeed someone out there who didnt like what I had to say and he let me know it in no uncertain terms. That's fine, as one human being to another, that was his perogative.
However, what followed in the wake of all this literary critiquing was a series of critical, negative judgements against my person - the way I write, the way I think, and everything else in-between. I was told how much of a stupid ignoramus that I am as a human being, that I live in a fantasy world, and that I have no credibility as a writer AND a human being because of my anonymous identity as HivSpice. In other words, I was pretty much dragged thru the friggin mud back-n-forth a few times or more and trust me, every single word that that individual wanted to convey to me, I got it, loud-n-clear. I think we all know that not everyone out there is gonna like us for who we are or what we have to say but to encounter someone who viciously and relentelessly attacks our person over and over again, well hells bells again, that's just downright mean and hurtful.
But that wasnt my only immediate reaction. When he started going after me because of my anonymity and taunting the fucking hell outta of me because of it, I wish I woulda been able to climb through my computer screen and smack the living hell outta him for treating me that way. It was like all my old defense mechanisms sprang back into full operational mode. Then all the bad memories of my previous experiences with news reporters came instantly flooding back - that meeting in '88 when Jack, several of his associates (including that reporter from the Bay Area Reporter) and myself got together with the hopes of implementing a fully operational GLBTQ organization, including services for those of us who had Hiv/AIDS; the countless times they heckled Jack and I after he got sick and advanced into full-blown AIDS; and, lastly but definitely foremost in my mind, the several reporters who barraged me less than two hours after Jack had died in my arms as I was exiting out the backside of the hospital with "Is he dead?? Is he dead yet???" Wow, it's hard writing about that day even now, though I would like to add that Ray-Ban sunglasses may be able to hide tear-soaked eyes but they sure as hell didnt do a damn thing for a broken heart, that's for sure.
It's kinda funny in a way - if that reporter from a few days ago woulda taken some time to get to know me as a person before judging and figuratively executiing the living hell outta me as a human being, maybe he woulda felt differently about me overall in the long run. But, I doubt it. For those of you who know of my disdain and contempt for certain states in this great land of ours, you're never gonna believe this but yes, he hails from one of the states I despise the most. Kinda ironic, dontcha think? He hails from an area of the country that I fought tooth-n-nail to get away from in my early years and when I look back on those yesteryears, as well as what has transpired between him and I the last few days, am I ever still thankful that I did.
I'm not gonna name this thing - I'd call him a human being, but hell, he lost that classification the second he started ripping me apart - because apparently I can get legally sued for any and all of my blog entries, or so I was informed. I'm not saying that couldnt happen to me, or to anyone else for that matter, but here's my take on that - this blog is my sole property. I own it, I write and talk exactly the way I damn well please in it and I'll be damned if anyone is gonna defy my First Amendment rights in doing so. Yeah, imagine it - a sue-happy bastard that has it out for both Luctor Et Emergo AND HivSpice - what are the chances, ya know? Well, one thing is for sure, no one can ever say that my existence as HivSpice has ever been boring because it most certainly hasnt, that's for sure.
As to where does this all lead next? I really dunno. The fierce attacks I've been experiencing the last few days have finally subsided; but, that's not to say that they wont happen again. After all, there is more than just one nosey news reporter out there in internetland, folks. I gotta admit, I never in a million years imagined this would happen to me, not this many years after Jack's death. Even a few of my closest confidantes reassured me over and over again over the past coupla years that most people by now wouldnt even remember who I really was; but, I'm not so sure anymore. I plan to keep my eyes peeled, both in front of me and in the back of my head, because my red flags are all up and I think they're probaly gonna stay that way for awhile. I think that's an awful shame and I'll tell you why.
Because for the last coupla years that I've been interacting with so many extraordinary people online, so many people whom I truly consider real friends, I've become more and more lax about sheddiing my skin as HivSpice and stepping out as the real me. I'm serious, I'm not pulling any of your legs. There are so many of you out there who have personally reached out to me and have told me "Hey, we like you for who you are, doesnt matter if you're Spice or not." Wow, y'all just cant imagine what that kinda thing means to me - you like me because of me. You're not liking me because of who I use to be, but because of me, because of who I am right here-n-now. That right there is one of the more personal reasons why this name was created - so that I could prove to myself and others that I can do things on my own, I am totally self-sufficient as a human being in every sense of the word, I dont need to rest on the laurels that Jack worked hard for and fought for when he was alive or the fact that I was his life partner - I can do everything myself. That goes way beyond a feeling of independence folks and trust me, it's a very damn good feeling. And I have a lot of you to thank for that, not just myself.
With all this being said, no, I'm not gonna step out into the light as my real self anytime soon. I wanna wait until I feel more confident in doing so because the experiences of the last few days have really thrown me for a loop. Was I considering doing so in the near future? Yes, actually I was because personally, I feel that I've accomplished everything I set out to do under the auspices of HivSpice. I think it's high time that the real me starts getting credit for all his hard work and accomplishments, dont you? I mean, wouldnt it be nice to just be able to drop the gawddamn mask and step out into the real world as the full, total, real me? I think it would be. But, again, I'm gonna wait a bit longer because quite frankly, just as in real life, those bullies we encounter along the way are always gonna be around and there's nothing that HivSpice, the real me and the rest of you can do about that - it's a part of life we just have to live with.
I wanna give all my readers out there an extra special Thank-You for taking the time to read this extra-lengthy piece because it was more about my experiences and a form of therapy for myself more than it was anything else. I know that we're all just names and personalities on a computer screen but I know that I am real and I also know that for the most part, so are the rest of you too. I dont know if my most recent bully will surface again or not. I kinda think he will cause you've never seem someone that hell-bent on spite like he is. Like, wow, double-major-wow. But thats okay because sooner or later we all learn that the best way to defeat any bully is stand up to them and stand strong. Thank you for reading everyone.
Note: I've taken the liberty of including various images from Northern California and my beloved Boston in this piece, in honor of Jack and me, our lives together and our lives apart. Seeya in Heaven, Kiddo.