Mystery and Anonymity are extremely synonymous with each other because both can be used as your very own protection shield from the outside, negative forces that sometimes cloud one's daily existence. But they can also be used to spew forth venom towards those who anger you, sometimes almost to the point of disenchantment from the human race. Each and every one of us has an angry side to our personalities, sort of like a well inside us where angry, negative feelings towards others are kept firmly at bay and tightly under control, some moreso than others; after all, every human being is different. It's perfectly normal, perfectly human to become angry at both ourselves and others; but, as I mentioned in an earlier posting, when you become angry with others you need to know when to tighten down the clamps on your anger bay or simply walk away. Or simply let loose. Tonight, I choose to let loose.
For many years now, ever since I was diagnosed as Hiv+, I have been told from doctors, various healthcare professionals, Hiv/AIDS manuals, fellow Hiv'ers, friends, etc. that when battling any disease, but especially this one, that it's best to keep oneself as far away from negative, angry feelings as is humanly possible; and, that it's far more healthier to surround your life with positive energy as much as possible so as not to waste a person's vital life energy on malignant thoughts and people. I do believe this to be true for the most part; however, I don't think it's totally realistic. We all have our angry moments/times and it doesnt matter if you are Hiv+ or not, it's simply human nature, there truly is no way to avoid it. In other words, yes, HivSpice get's angry and hocked off at other people from time to time too. Well, this happens to be one of those times. If you're having a good night and you don't want to read someone else's personal venting, please do us both a favor and stop reading this very moment because tonight I am hellbent outta hell and once I start with these computer keys, I'm not gonna stop till I am done. I need to get everything off of my chest.
Tonight when I came home from work - I was suppose to get out at 3:00 p.m. but instead got off a couple hours later cause one of the supervisors called it sick and I was asked to cover her shift for a couple of hours, no problem, more money for me - I did what I always do. Slipped outta my work clothes, threw on a pair of shorts and a ratty cut-off t-shirt and went to check my notifications on Facebook, the people who were/are poking me (no pun intended!), the gazillion requests that always exist on the right side of my screen and to see if I got any messages. I also check the daily posts from each day just so that I keep up on current events as well as what's on everyone else's minds these days. As a matter of fact, that's why I rarely chat with folks when I first sign-on because 9 times outta 10 there are so many things for me to review that it's virtually impossible to keep even a half-way decent chat conversation going full-steam ahead. And, after catching up with everything I either exit and go write a piece in my blog or just stay put and engage in some good conversations with my friends. But that didn't happen tonight.
Very much in the same vein of anger sparks and infuriating thoughts similiar to Faye Dunaway's characterization of Joan Crawford in "Mommie Dearest" when she stumbled upon those wire hangars in Christina's closet, I almost jumped through my apartment roof; in fact, much to my own personal surprise I think I almost hissed a little. There it was, a post by one of my friends with comments made by one of the two fellow activist acquaintances that I have been having checked out. Speaking of which, one of them is in the clear, no dishonest dealings or misappropriation of funds, so that leaves only one left. Yes, you guessed it, the remaining one left and the person who commented on my friend's post are indeed the same exact person. Oh rapture...
Perhaps at this point I should stop writing this entry as is and make it more of a personal letter directly to that nasty knukschleb in question; but, I have tried getting through to this particular individual in a mature, rational, logical manner but to no avail. So I figure that rather than allow said individual to blow me off again, I'm gonna have my say. I choose to write the remainder of this entry as if I am speaking to him directly, because quite frankly, I need to direct all my aggression in his direction. Plus, I've never written when this angry before - not ever. Well okay, maybe once when I recounted the story of that nasty reporter from the nasty Bay Area Reporter who verbally attacked Jack and I so many years ago. Am I that angry right now? Pretty fucken close. Yeah, I like the first-person thing, it will make it more psychologicaly theraputic for me....and so it begins....
You nasty motherfucker, I just can't fucken believe the amount of unadulterated bullshit that you pull on so many people. When the fuck are you ever ever gonna be with satisfied, when are you ever ever gonna have enough? You are the most unimaginable, manipulative bastard I have ever ever known in my entire fucken life. You know, it's one thing when you and your little cronies are causing personal affronts against my person, but when you attempt to deceitfully insulate yourself with people whom I consider to be my friends, and attempt to take them for every bit of sleazy self-promotional gimmick that you can possibly get your grubby little hands on, then you have gone way beyond too far. There isn't one single cover-up that your greedy little hands havent been in that I haven't stumbled upon, it's all so putrid that you fucken reek of it. Cliche as it may sound, you think you have fooled everyone but you haven't fooled me.
You wanna know something? Time to call a spade a spade. I think you're a fake and I do not believe for one second that you are Hiv+. That's right, you read right motherfucker. There is no fucken way on this planet that any human being who is Hiv+ and has even one quarter of the integrity and goodwill that you so desperately claim to have could be so goddamn obsessed with being #1 at the popularity polls.Do you know what I think? I think you grew up in a family that didn't want you because they knew whatta evil, twisted little fuck you really are and I think you used your cowardly, sniveling, deceitful resentment to create a persona of something you definitely are not and never could be. The only thing sicker than your own egotistical, malicious thirst in your self-serving quest for your warped perception of fame is the fact that while you are doing this, thousands and thousands of good, decent people are trying to survive without their meds, their homes and the sincere compassion and assistance they most deperately need. I've called you out on this very same subject before but obviously parasitic pondscum like you has no conscience for his actions/behaviors.
I'm not through with you yet by a long shot. And if that one-in-a-million chance that you are indeed Hiv+ like you so raptuously claim every single fucken day of your sleazy existence, you wanna know what I wish? I wish you to be sick you nasty imbecillic fuck. Yes, yes indeed, a nice 4 to 6 week opportunistic infection that knocks you down to your fucken knees and makes you pray before you go to bed every night "Oh please God, take me, take me now!" I'll tell you this much, your fellow may not be able to get through to your nasty, warped brain, but a higher force certainly can. Oh dont worry, lottsa people will say "Spice!!! Shame on you for wishing that on another human being!" Shame my fucken ass, the evil bastard isn't an Hiv'er to begin with. And you people are worried about someone like me with a made-up internet name?? Trust me, you got much bigger things to worry about than someone like me, the aforementioned prick is the perfect example of what I am saying.
So many times over the years I have said to myself "I would never wish this disease on anyone, not even my most worst enemy" but tonight you are the justifiable exception. You read correctly. I may not be a god, not even a minor Greek deity for that matter, but I do assure you of this - for your connivering attitude, for your vigilant egotism and for all the innnocent people you have deceived and misled along the way, I truly wish this disease on you because you, you nasty little fuck, you deserve every fucken ache-n-pain, every nasty infection and every major off-shoot of it that exists out there on your own self. Being a faker is deplorable, but profiting off of those with a life-threatening, chronic disease such as Hiv/AIDS? That is beyond inexcusable.
There's one other thing - you know those people you so graciously fool, so distinctly manipulate, the person you played today, as well as the countless others you play every single day? The next time you make a move on one of your victims you had best be sure that the other person is exactly like you, a nobody without a life, because here on the internet Baby, you never ever really know exactly who it is you're dealing with. You know that guy you tried sucking in with your transparent compliments and fake kindness earlier today? Guess what? I love him and with the Universe as my witness, I swear to you if you even remotely think of ever harming him or bringing one ion of negative energy anywhere near him, I'll make your life a living hell for all eternity. Make no mistake people will eventually see through to the real you and they will recoil from you in sheer horror when they see you for the monster you really are; but, if you think for one second you are gonna take advantage of or harm the man that I love or any of my friends, well, you're extremely disillusioned. If there is one thing in this universe I will NOT tolerate, it's the harming of innocent people. When it comes to me, sorry Mr. Evil, that's non-negotiable. Maybe I as one individual cannot stop you but there is something that will totally stop you in your tracks - the truth. You hide behind your fleeting fame and hollow prominence all you want, eventually the truth will come out - you can't escape it. None of us can.
Whew, wow, I've been wanting to get that all off my chest for at least 6 months now. Damn, I feel so much better, like a giant weight has been lifted off my soul, whew. Justa moment ago I realized something - I did it. I got rid of all the negative energy that's been building up these past several months. Wow. It's all gone, I'll be damned, writing IS theraputic after all. I cannot believe how much hatred and anger flew outta me tonight. And the most crazy thing about is that I did what every Hiv'er, as well as every human being for that matter, should do - I extracted the negative away from me and I can live fully in a more positive air. I'm serious.
When you have the sound, rational, logical conviction that there is an evildoer amongst your friends, your family, any and everyone whom you passionately consider a "loved one" sometimes you have to take a chance to fight for what you believe is right when it comes to the safety and welfare of those around you. This particular individual of whom I have vented about this evening is truly someone who needs to be stopped; however, maybe it's too late for me to stop him. Maybe I'm gonna have to leave that up to the people he has deceived in the past, to the people he is deceiving right now as I write this and to the people he plans to deceive in the future. On the other end of the spectrum, perhaps this is one of those times when it is best for me to keep my mouth shut and let others find out for themselves - I can do that, but I'm sorry, what about all the innocent people that he will suck in along the way, what about them? I truly wish that everyone I knew online would band together and see the truth and push this guy off the maps of all our lives - why do people allow someone to take advantage of them and use them only to throw them away, why do people set themselves up, why do they not realize the truth until it's far too late? I guess these are some of the things in life that I will never figure out.
In closing, I personally reserve the right to do one more thing with all that negative energy I just extracted from my soul. I want to use it for something good. I want to convert all that negative energy from that surrounds that nasty person into positive life energy for myself. When you can't save others from harm because they don't see or can't see the truth, then you go ahead and use that energy for your own person. Maybe I should thank the aformentioned individual rather than condemn him any further; after all, I'm gonna use that energy to continue to live an honest, full and happy life, something that he will never experience. For those of you who stayed on to read this entry, thank you for reading and thank you for listening.
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