A Special Thank You To My Readers....- Sunday, August 21, 2011

I wanted to take a few minutes today to thank all of you who read my July 13th post "Canadian Maritime History 101: Canadian Pacific Line's EMPRESS of BRITAIN" because not only did I actually have alotta fun writing that piece as well as collecting the images for it, but it means a lot to me that each of you took the time to learn about one of my most favorite ocean liner's as well as a ship that was once Canada's symbol of national pride on the Seven Seas and beyond. 

And I meant what I said in that piece too - I dont want her story to ever be forgotten, People all over the world, but especially today's Canadian citizens, need to know of her existence. In fact, if I had it my way, the story of the EMPRESS of BRITAIN would be included in every Canadian history book in print from now until the end of time itself. But dont you Canadians think I'm singling you out on this, I feel the same exact way about the American ocean liner UNITED STATES which has been wasting away in the port of Philadelphia for several decades now. It does indeed go without saying that I will be writing again about both of these extraordinary liners in the near future. Thank you for reading

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Are Two Blogs Better Than One? - Saturday, August 20, 2011

I've been doing some thinking (I know, that frightens me too!) and although it always seems I'm behind schedule these days in keeping up with all the internet stuff - i.e, creating a fan page, adding images to previous entries in this blog, and all that goody-goody-stuff - I'm really really beginning to fall in love with the concept of off-branching into another blog and mainly writing about my ocean liners. Now granted, I can and have done that perfectly well here at Luctor Et Emergo but by the same token, writing about great liners such as the EMPRESS of BRITAIN (1931-40) and the AQUITANIA (1914-50), really doesnt do a thing for Hiv+ folks or PWA's unless they themselves are as much of an ocean liner afficiando as I am. So here's what I'm thinking - maybe getting the word out about my ocean liners, as in preserving their memories by sharing their stories with others, would be even more effective if I wrote about them under a name other than the Spice nic.

Now dont get me wrong, I dont think it really matters what name you use when writing, as long as you use your own individual voice, that's all that matters, it's just that I think more people would be influenced to check out the ship entries if I penned them under my real name. I mean, there are several or more excellent ocean liner pages on Facebook, as well as the rest of the internet, and not one of them even recognized any of the ocean liner pieces I've done so far. I hold my ships very close to my heart and just as I stand proudly in the battle against Hiv/AIDS, I'd like to do the same when it comes to educating others on maritime history. I could be totally wrong about all of this, totally out in left field, but I think I need to explore the possibilities.

This blog will not depreciate in my priorities whatsoever should I decide to go ahead and give a new blog the good ole' college try. Luctor Et Emergo, as corny as it may sound for any writer to admit, is my baby, my pride-n-joy, it really is, because it has helped me learn so much about myself along the way as well as about people in general. That's something you just cant put a pricetag on, being able to watch yourself grow along the way. Plus in reviewing some of my previous pieces, I've noticed that as much as my readers do enjoy reading this blog, I've also noticed that a coupla pieces that are extra-special to me really didnt make as much of an impact on others as I previously hoped they would.

Granted, reading truly is a matter of personal interpretation but maybe somewhere along the way, I somehow realized that some of the things I've always been fearful of others finding out about me really werent as "bad" or frightening as I previously perceived. What I mean is that I always thought to myself "Oh gawd, if I bring this-or-that subject up, it could start up an entire media frenzy around me all over again, just like in the past when Jack was alive." But it didnt. It hasnt happened. And I'm not so sure it ever will. And that's good, it's a good thing that for the first time in many years people are viewing me for my contributions and accomplishments and not because of someone else's. To be respected for one's individuality, damn, not only is that yet another thing none of us can put a pricetag on but look at all the people out there who take sucha thing as that for granted, you know what I mean? Most people dont think twice about something like that, it becomes second-nature to them; but, for someone like me, who has lived the kinda life I have and who has experienced what I have? I think the waterworks rolling down my cheeks right now say it all.

Of course, this does mean that people will most likely find out my true identity. Some may wonder "How so? Why not just keep the 2 totally seperate, as you've always done Spice?" Yes, I suppose I could do that but almost everyone out there knows that you can NEVER hide your true voice. It doesnt matter what name you write under, what topics you write about or what images you post - people will always see through the mask and realize that it's the real you after all, so why even bother trying to hide it? Plus, I just wanna be able to be myself like the rest of y'all; or, at least those of you who are yourselves online....I know, that's an internet oxymoron these days, isnt it? Sometimes I just wanna stand up and say "Look Sparky, this is who I am and if you cant handle it, just get over yourself!" Quite frankly, I'm not totally there just yet but trust me, there are days and nights when that envelope gets pushed very very hard.

So when I do attempt to do this 2nd blog, I'm just gonna be myself and if folks put two-and-two together, well, we'll see if that will ever even happen. Everyone knows about me and my Jack, they know of my close friendship with Vito Russo and so far - knock on wood, please, thank you! - no media blitz fall-out. So my guess (or should I classify it as an admission?) is that folks are gonna be much more laid-back about it when the real me surfaces anyways. They'll probaly just exclaim "Eh" and the next day it will be business as usual.

The new blog is definitely NOT gonna be here at Posterous.com. Enough of that bullshit, I'm gonna do it over at Wordpress.com or maybe back to Blogspot.com where I originally started blogging from in the first place. I plan to name it in honor of what a close friend once called me - "The Ship-Whisperer." Some folks may find that semi-humorous, but I love that name, it suits me perfectly. I may not know everything there is to know about every ocean liner ever afloat from yesteryear up until today, but I know a helluva lot more than most people could ever know in a lifetime. So, we'll see what happens. Thank you for listening to me ramble on about all of this and as always, thank you for reading. 

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STD Dating Websites - Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Last night when I was checking my messages in my Facebook inbox, I came across something which I not only found somewhat appalling, but which also made my eyeballs pop right outta their sockets. A "friend" of another friend more or less stated in her message "Got Herpes? No big deal, just join my online dating website and everything will be just fine!!" Excuse me? Since when are online dating websites the perfect prescription for anyone contending with an STD? It's like whoooooahhh, am I missing something here or what?

This isnt an issue about whether or not the individual who runs that particular "STD Dating Site" is a legitimate friend of my friend or not cause I could could less about that; but, what does hock me off in a majorly-major way is the fact that that bitch has the friggin nerve to capitalize off of other people's unfortunate circumstances. Granted, that's not to say that anyone who does have one or more STD's needs to be handled with kid gloves and treated like a fine piece of Royal Doulton china; however, to think that any online dating website is gonna cure all the woes associated with any of the one-million-and-one STD's that exist on this planet is totally preposterous. Why it's like saying "Oh, if your crotch feels like it just collided with an Esso Oil Tanker, check out the raven-haired hottie from Poughkeepsie and you'll be just fine!!" Uh, yeah, right. Doesnt anyone even bother to entertain the thought that maybe that that's why the infected person has the STD to begin with?

Look, I think that regardless of what kind of STD a person has, socializing on any level with others who are in the same exact shoes can indeed be a great thing. After all, it's always nice to be able to talk with someone who can identify with the same ups-n-downs we experience (no pun intended!) as well as lend moral support when we need it most. However, when even the slightest inference that STD dating websites are the cure-all for those suffering from any STD is made, I think that's similiar to playing Russian Roulette with one's psychological well-being and I just dont think that's right.

So bottom line, the next time anyone out there even considers sending me links and/or information regarding any of the overabundance of STD dating websites, please do us both a favor - don't. Not only do I not want to hear about them but if anyone out there thinks I'm going to actively promote such questionable garbage anywhere on my Facebook homepage let alone this blog, then they're extremely mistaken. I dont care if you're a mere internet acquaintance or the best friend of one of my closest friends, you're not peddling your unadulterated bullshit in or anywhere near my space.

As for the warped individual who sent me that message about her STD dating website last night, I dont appreciate your attempt at trying to take advantage of me just because I have an STD, and even moreso, one of the most fatal of all STD's out there. Now I realize that some of those STD dating websites may indeed be legit, maybe yours is, I dunno; but, people like you need to respect the fact that not all of us choose to use those websites. You need to take a coupla steps back and think about that rather than attempting to jam your website into other people's faces. Thank you for reading.

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My 22nd Anniversary, A Week Late - Wednesday, August 17, 2011

I've always been one of those people who believes that every milestone and time-honored tradition deserves a fairly appropriate amount of pomp-n-circumstance yet with the deluge of emotional and mental anxiety that I experienced on a daily basis from being here in Connecticut literally draining the living crap outta me it's extremely difficult for me to focus on writing while being out here in the middle of BFE (Bum-Fucked-Egypt), I mean, Connecticut. And although the following doesnt mean it's the end of the world, I am somewhat ashamed by the fact that it's now an entire week PAST the actual date; but, rather than sulk, rather than let it get me down, I'm gonna try write, I need to try to write, because to let sucha special anniversary such as this go by without giving proper credence to it is akin to pretending that it never happened and it not only did happen, but it needs to be revered as one of the pinnacle points of my earthly existence. 

True, I've already broached the subject of this anniversary more than several times previously in this blog but it's one of those dates that needs to be validated not just by mere spoken words but also by the written word as well. For it was on August 10, 1989, that I was diagnosed as Hiv+ and to be brutally honest, I truly thought that like so many other members of my generation, I woulda been six-feet-under by now. But I'm not. And I'm not the only one. There are many more just like me out there, even folks who have been living with Hiv and AIDS even longer than me. I'm one of the many who are thankful to still be alive and as I posted on my Facebook homepage this past week, I hope to be around for another 22 years or until they find a cure - whichever comes first.

Speaking of Facebook, one of my friends from there shared with me that on this momentous occassion she secretly wished I woulda chosen August 10th of this year to come out all the way as an Hiv'er and reveal my true identity but that regardless, she'd always love and accept me for who I am. I can see her point, perhaps last week woulda been the ideal time but when I thought about it some more I said to myself "No, that date is specifically reserved - and preserved - in my personal history as a testament of a very tumultous time in my life. By the same token, it's also a date that represents the links between my past and my present. It was a time when my Jack was still alive, still battling like hell for his life but still always within my arms reach. So naturally, it's my memories that have ownership of that day - August 10th, 1989 - nothing more, nothing less.

Naturally on that date a whole floodgate of memories come into my mind but every year that goes by, there are always certain ones that dominate my thoughts. Now that doesnt mean that I am sad or morose on that day, quite the contrary - thanks to life, thanks to being alive, I can reminisce and savor any or all of those memories if I choose to do so. Granted, they may vary from year to year but that's one of the best parts about being alive - I can still remember them. This year there are 2 particular memories that stand out the most for me.

Actually, the 1st memory is more of an admission of truth than anything else to myself and to my fellow Hiver's/PWA's of yesterday and today, and that is this - I've been around long enough, I've survived long enough to know that it's okay for me to share, as well as let go of, all the anger that I had when I first found out I was Hiv+. Angry because I have the disease? Perhaps a little bit but it is so much more than that. I was angry because unlike alotta Hiv'ers out there, I never had the chance to let it all sink in and mourn my own individual mortality like many people did. My lover was dying and at the time we found out about my Hiv+ status, there was no time for either of us to deal with it, no time for me to get rip-roaring pissed off and scream at myself, as well as the rest of the world for that matter, no time to ponder the shoulda's, the coulda's or the woulda's. The only thing there was time for was to be strong for Jack and to give him my best - and that's exactly what I did.

Oh sure, we cried about it, we got upset, we got angry together and that was okay; but, the next day there was no picking up the pieces for me and saying "Oh rapture, today is a brand new day, aint it great to be alive?" No, I needed to take care of the person I loved more than anything else in the world and that's what I did. Have I ever regretted it? Absolutely not. But, I'd be a liar if I told anyone out there that I wasnt envious of all my peers who at that time were busy going about their daily lives of going to work, going out on the weekends, dancing to this-or-that new dance-track at the local club or local social fundraiser. You know, all those little daily things in life most of us take for granted - those are the things I missed out on. But still, being with my Jack, no matter what, well, that was a pretty hard act to follow.

That leads into the 2nd memory I've been thinking about a lot lately. A whole lot. And hey, that's not in the depressing sense either everyone. Remember, when we experience any kind or any degree of adversity in our lives, looking back on those happy memories are one of the key things that pull us through. Seriously. And that memory was one of the last moments that Jack told me how much he loved me.

Although I've always been a Coco-Cola person, the Pepsi company launched a free-concert series in the Santa Cruz Boardwalk/Amusement Park area back in the late 80's and one of the classic groups we got to see perform live at one of those free concerts was none other than one of my (actually, our) favorite girl groups - The Shirelles. Oh mannnnnn, I have never been much of a concert-goer, not ever, but boy, when I saw those ladies up on the stage and listened to all my favorites, I was in Heaven!! Hits like "Soldier Boy," "Will You Love Me Tomorrow?" "Mama Said" and one song that was actually one of Jack and I's songs "Baby It's You."

I'll never forget what it was like hearing the Shirelles sing that song. Jack and I looking up at the brightly lit stage that night, the flashing multi-colored lights of the ferris wheel, the other amusement park rides, and of course, the twinkling lights of the Boardwalk arcade. And the air that night...for an August night you woulda never thought the breezes of the Pacific ocean could be so cold but they most certainly were. That night was magic, it really was, Jack and I holding hands very firmly and as the song ended, hearing him say "You know it's true, baby, it is you." Even though his very life was beginning to drain away at that time, to hear him say those words to me, to look deep in my eyes as he said them and most of all, to know that he meant them from the bottom of his heart, well, that kinda feeling totally cancels any resentements that either of us coulda had at that time period in our lives together.

It's 2011 now and I still love the Shirelles and I'll always love Jack, I'll always carry him in my heart but from here on out I gotta keep doing what I've been doing - living life - so that I do indeed survive another 22 years or again, until a cure for AIDS is found - whichever happens first. Taking things one day atta time, keeping busy and keeping the good fight going. I wish I did know the true secret to my longevity but maybe this is definitely one of those times when one shouldnt look a gift-horse in the mouth, as they say. I've said it numerous times before and I shall say it again - as long as any and all of us has hope, even one tiny kernel of it, we got a lot because all it takes is that one single glimmer to set the world in motion. So to Life, I salute you with gratitude because even though the road hasnt always been easy, it's always been worth living. Thank you for reading.

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