Upon viewing several posts regarding skin fillling procedures for those Hiv'ers/PWA's who suffer facial fat loss and other related conditions I've finally decided to sit down and write about something which a good many folks contending with Hiv/AIDS are afflicted with, but which you almost never see people discussing - that ashen look. Even after 30+ years into this disease, there are still many people out there who simply dont wanna talk about it, and although that may be their choice, their right, I think those who are in denial about it need to get over it. Literally.
Do you know how people are always saying "Well, you cant tell if someone is Hiv+ or has AIDS just by looking at them!!" I gotta newsflash for my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists and any other folks who religiously and vehemently claim that - you're all full of shit. There are many people out there who have the renowned wasting-away syndrome that walks hand-in-hand with being Hiv+/having AIDS; but, that's not why they "look" like they have AIDS - it's the color of their skin that sets them apart from everyone else. It's literally an ashen look - a hue between extremely pale white and light gray - and if you look at the gazillions of photos of those who survived the concentration camps during the Holocaust, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.
I realize some of my contemporaries may get get rip-roaring mad that someone is FINALLY opening up their mouth and speaking out on this issue, but it's not my fault that they dont wanna deal with the full reality of this all. So many people have treated it as one of THE MOST tabu subjects concerning Hiv/AIDS over the past 30 years and frankly, I think that's just totally ludicrous. People who have the ashen look are real, they do exist yet all I hear from alotta folks is "Oh, don't say anything, you'll make him/her feel self-conscious, you'll hurt his/her feelings and make them feel uncomfortable!"
Self-conscious? Hurt feelings? Omfg, lemme give y'all the latest newsflash, okay people? For anyone out there whose skin-tone looks like death-onna-rainy-day-in-Seattle, trust me, I'm more than certain that they are totally aware of their condition and have had to field any and all kinds of questions regarding it. I know my Jack did and yes, it was very uncomfortable for him at times but as with anything else connected with Hiv/AIDS or any other disease for that matter, you acclimate yourself to it mentally and guess what? You get over it and you keep living life.
Anyone who's had to contend with such a radical change in their skin tone because of this disease (and again, any other disease for that matter) has had a lot to deal with and believe me, my heart does indeed go out to them. I mean, it's one thing feeling sick alotta the time but then to look at yourself in the mirror and say out loud "Oh great Sparky, I friggin look EXACTLY how I feel!" Yes, it can be one helluva mental roller-coaster ride but by talking with your medical care team and other people who have the same exact condition, it does help, it really does.
But you know what really burns me up about it all, second only to everyones denial about it, especially the Hiv/AIDS community's? Those people who have it and refuse to accept it. I'm not talking about the countless thousands I've seen over the years with it, but about some of my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists who are on Facebook. In the last year or so I cannot tell you how many photos I've seen of people that either made me yelp out "Whoahhh!" or "Hello!?!??!" and literally made me fall off my computer chair! Then when they've been asked point blank "Uhm, what's up with your skin??" Do you know what the majority of their responses are? Get this - "Oh nothing, I'm totally fine, just a Vitamin D deficiency, that's all." Excuse me, butta vitamin deficiency of any kind does NOT make you look like some zombie from out of a George Romero horror flick, thank you very much!
Omg, I cannot tell you how many times I've wanted to write to some of those raging denialists and simply say "Yo, ever hear of pancake?? And I'm not talking about IHOP either!!" The ignorance as well as arrogance of people who refuse to accept the truth just burns me up to no end! Look, I've been around long enough to know the difference between reality and unadulterated bullshit and as bad as having a skin-tone problem related to an illness can be, no one can escapefrom something like that. Yes, upon consulting your physician and possibly getting a referral to a dermatologist, perhaps there are some alternative skin therapies that will help, hopefully so. But to walk around the streets of your local downtown area like the Angel-of-Death on a suburban holiday and pretend that it's not obvious, damn, that's just totally absurd.
Anyone who's had to deal with Hiv/AIDS, regardless of how many years they've been infected, has had their body affected or changed by this disease in one form or another (myself included). Yes, it is heartbreaking and it can even make you majorly-majorly pissed off at this fucken disease; but, guess what? No matter what this disease does to our bodies, we gotta do our best to stay strong guys, we gotta do our best to cling together and get through this. I am not knocking any of you whom have that ashen look, I'm only taking to task those who refuse to accept it because they are ashamed of it. Ashamed? Oh my God, how could anyone be ashamed of something which they have no control over whatsoever? Because of how society views us? Well, fuck society then because they're not the ones battling this disease, we are. The Ashen look is real and I'm glad that I've finally stood up and said something about it, though I must admit that I am extremely frustrated and thoroughly disgusted by each and every one of my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists, both in real life and online, who refuse to not only admit that sucha condition exists, but hell, they even refuse to talk about it. Sorry, but that's just not right, it's not normal. Talking about things always helps folks feel a whole helluva lot better about what they are going through, it always makes them feel so much less alone and let's face it, that beats sweeping things under the rug and living vicariously in a fantasy world of ones' own making.
Never be ashamed of what you look like because of what Hiv/AIDS has done to your body. Each and every one of us is a strong, brave warrior who deserves the utmost respect and greatest accolades. You are totally accepted and well-loved and anytime you feel like you are faltering, like you're standing on shaky ground, dontcha worry, there will always always be someone there to catch you. On that you can depend. Thank you for reading.
Note: I've chosen not to incliude any photos of Hiv'ers/PWA's with that ashen skin appearance and/or other skin-related diseases brought on by Hiv/AIDS because as many peope as there are out there you have it, like with everything else to do with AIDS, just because this-or-that person comes down with it, it doesnt mean that everyone else who has the disease will. Thank you.
I actually encountered the subject material for this piece a coupla weeks back but at that time I just didnt know how to word it but after a coupla weeks of mulling-n-stewing somewhat, I now know exactly how to put it. My readers are logical, intelligent people and if after reading this piece they still havent figured out who I'm writing about, then I hope they feel free to backtrack further in this blog if they feel inclined to do so.
Fall-time is one of my most favorite times of the entire year, so what more befitting way to write about this season than sharing a harvesting story with y'all? I do love fall very much because it's the season that reminds us that nasty, horrible, humid summer is over and much cooler temps with that definitite crispness in the air is on its way. Be that as it may, this piece is gonna be about the American Hickory Nut tree, the Shag-Bark Hickory variety to be more specific, and how this September, I learned why squirrels have major OCD issues with such trees.
Now, as a gay man I instantly wanted to say "Oh, you're a fan of late 1980's/early 1990's porn star Dino DiMarco too??" but then I said to myself "Now Gidget, that's not what the old fart means!" Instead I hollered back "You're kidding me, right?" to which he responded back "Take this metal pole and throw it up into the underheart of the tree for me, will you please? While you're doing that, I'll fill you in" which over the next 35 minutes he certainly did and lemme tell you, when we were finished (I knocked down about half a bushel full of the green nuthusks for him, not bad I think) what that elderly man taught me about the Shagbark Hickory nut trees is something I'll never forget.
SHAGBARK MAPLE COOKIES
I dunno if I'll be writing an annual 9/11 commemoration piece because I wrote extensively about my experiences on that fateful day last year in this blog and for the majority of Americans, 9/11 was such a traumatic, life-altering experience that I feel one should only write about it when a personal chord within ourselves is struck. Such is the case with me this year because there is something indirectly related to the same timeframe as 9/11 that I'd like to talk about.
Birthdays. I suspect there are many other people out there who feel the same exact way as I do on this issue, yet they continue to remain mute on the subject outta fear of being lamblasted by others, but for myself, enough is enough. I am extremely sick-n-tired of 9/11 casting this dark, looming, impenetrable black cloud over those of us who have birthdays on or near the date of September 11th. I know alotta you out there are probaly thinking "Well, people have the right to mourn and commemorate that day any way they damn well please!" Yes, they most certainly do; however, unless you yourself are one of those people whose special day is eclipsed by the tragic events of 9/11, you need to shut the fuck up because if it was happening to you, year in and year out, you'd be pretty damn piss-elegant about it too.
going to continue to be in a happy, festive on my birthday this year and every year because not only is it my right to do so, but after all I've been through in my lifetime, I cant think of a better day to celebrate my life. Naturally, living with Hiv for 22 years and being consciously alive to talk about it also puts one helluva huge feather in one's cap. Yet with the way that people react regarding anything directly or indirectly connected to 9/11, you'd think that even smiling on or around that date would be warrant enough for a person getting publicly chastised or even arrested on the spot. Quite frankly, I think alotta people take the 9/11 commemoration stuff to the extreme, to the point where it actually borderlines mental illness. Hey, if folks wanna behave that way, fine with me, but they aren't gonna piss on my birthday cake anymore.
M
ake no mistakes, I was in Boston, where 2 of the planes which crashed on 9/11 originated from, and it was totally unnerving and heartwrenching to experience everything that most of us did that day; but, just because all that stuff went down so close to my birthday doesnt mean I'm gonna automatically dress in black and contemplate slitting my wrists every year around 9/11. In fact, I refuse to give up celebrating my birthday just because some terrorist buttmunches responsible for such an unimaginable catastrophic act of hatred and murder decided to pick out a certain date near my birthday to carry-out their Nazi-like vendettas.
e reason I used "commentary" versus a "review" in the title of this piece is because I have yet to view the 2010 remake of "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark"(1973) but I will say this much about the new film - I dont care how scary folks claim it is, in it's own unique way, the trailers alone from this film have actually helped me deal with the heebie-jeebies the original film gave me as a child growing up in the early 1970's. Perhaps heebie-jeebies is an understatement because let me tell you, as a made-for-tv movie or not, the original "Dont Be Afraid of the Dark" scared the living shit outta my sisters and I so very much because it indeed was scary the way a horror film should be scary. I'm one of the biggest horror-film afficiandoes on this planet and yet I'm not ashamed to admit that "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark" petrified my siblings and I to no avail.
If anyone out there were to watch the 1973 version of this film right this moment and get back to me on it, even in spite of the last 38 years of extremely vast special effects improvements and developments within the film industry, I can truthfully say to each and every one of you that no horror film out there has literally scared me silly as much as that one single film! The thing that sets it apart from all other horror films is that it not only was ABC television's 1st made-for-tv horror film, but because it's success has nothing to do with the blood-n-guts-fest that most horror films of the last 30 years or so have been. As a matter of fact, it has no gore whatsoever - but rather due to the eerie, goose-bump-causing, fist-clenching shivers that the film delivers.
about a month ago when I first stumbled upon the trailers for the 2010 remake of the film I kept saying to myself "Damn, I MUST write about this film and warn everyone about how extremely frightening the original one was!!" but then I hesitated because it brought back alotta nightmarish memories from my childhood. I know, it's amazing, of all the other types of films out there that have impacted my life the 1973 version of "Dont Be Afraid of the Dark" may be the film that has impacted my life the most because my sisters and I had nightmares over it for at least a good 6 months or so afterwards. Now I know alotta you are probaly thinking "Well hell, you all were children, that's understandable" but trust me, regardless of what age you are, horror films were meant to frighten the living bejesus outta people and that's exactly what this one does.
I remember that several years after the film was made it seemed to totally disappear from the American film market as well as the cable re-run treadmills of the 1980's and beyond. In fact, I think the last time I saw it being broadcast on tv was sometime back in 1984 while I was home for college for the summer; and, when my parent's asked my sisters and I if we were gonna watch it that night, we all emphatically shook our heads "No!!" Of course, my parents busted-a-gut laughing at us but we knew better.
Now I could go into the plotlines of both the 1973 and 2010 versions of this film but since I havent seen the new one and since I dont know how many of my readers out there have or havent even seen the 1973 version, I really dont wanna ruin it for anyone. Then again, perhaps some introspections on the original version will help give those out there who havent seen it before an extra one-up on the initial comprehension of the remake.
n a nutshell...a woman and her husband move into her grandmother's house which has a history of strange events, unexplained noises and stuff like that taking place in it...the unexplainable stuff is caused by these tiny, midget-like demons who somehow were locked into the furnace or boiler-room of the house...the woman, Sally (played by Kim Darby) accidentally opens the locked door of the boiler, the demons come out later at night while she and her husband are asleep and thus begins all the spooky events which lead up to the climax/end of the movie, where Sally ends up being abducted by the demons and "joining them." A few other points to keep in mind - 1st, her husband NEVER believes her, he even gets her into counseling and the shrink drugs her up which in turn makes her totally vulnerable to the little demons; 2nd, the demons are TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS towards ANY light whatsoever, it actually hocks the living hell outta them; 3rd and finally, the demons always talk in whispers and are constantly saying "Sally! Sally! Sally!! Come join us, please come join us and set us free!"
Now that I am an adult and much wiser, would I ever watch the original version of "Dont Be Afraid of the Dark" again? I must admit my interest in doing so has greatly increased because in a way the inner child within me wants to view the film again so that I can finally put to rest any remaining tenets of those old childhood fears for once and for all. From the trailers for the new 2010 version itself I not only immediately noticed the distinct differences between the two films, but most notably how the director, Guillermo del Toro, specifically redesigned the "monsters" in the new film, creating creatures that I admit are TOTALLY different from those portrayed in the original film, therefore helping me in diminishing a great deal of the fear factor for myself. In other words, without even seeing the new film in its entirety, the trailers themselves have already aided me in coming to terms with any psychological residue the original film left on me.
For me, the combination of altering of the physical appearance of the demons or "monsters," as well as the fact that I have "grown up" a lot in the last 38 years, has spearheaded the heart of those childhood fears. Since being that frightened little boy in western Ohio all those years ago, I've evolved into someone who automatically despises anyone (or anything), be it real or imaginary, that would even think of harming one single hair on any child's head. I guess I'm sort of a natural predator towards anyone/anything that has the intention of harming children; and, in the 2010 version of "Dont Be Afraid of the Dark" those demons/monsters arent anywhat like the scary, spooky-looking ones that scared me shitless in the 1973 version. In this new film, they are these hideous-looking motherfuckers who think they automatically have the right to abduct/harm any child that comes near them, which rather than setting off those old childhood fears of mine for me, they actually set off my adrenalin-rush/defense mechanism button. In a never-never-land sorta way they literally transform me from that terrified little kid who tugged on his Mom's arm asking if he could pretty pretty please sleep on the floor on her side of the bedroom to a full-grown adult who would literally chase after those little demons till each and every one of them was physically torn apart by my very own hands, i.e., if it were a real-life scenario versus an intense horror film.
In other words, you know how we all have heard over the years that films can actually be theraputic for a person? Well, the remake of "Dont Be Afraid of the Dark" has been just that for me and again, I have yet to see the film in its entirety yet it's already helped me a great deal with the demons of the past (no pun intended!).
Yet another keypoint from the 1973 version of "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark" is something that literally angered me about the film all those years ago and actually still does when I think about it. This could apply not just to the plotline of the film itself but in other various scenarioes that do take place in our lives in general - the issue of trust. Rather than believe his wife, who truly has no ulterior motive in lying to her husband about the entire matter - he simply refuses to believe her when she tells him about her experiences. The guy is so busy with his career and naturally since she's a housewife he automatically thinks her mind is playing tricks on her, that she is bored and needs to get outta the house more often. In other words, the age old idiom that if it's not happening to the husband, but only to the wife, then it's really not real. Pardon me, but I've always thought that that is sucha major loada crap. 
That particular angle of the film is especially ironic because towards the end of the film it's only when he tries to rescue his wife and actually sees one of the little demons that he realizes she was indeed telling him the truth all along. Doesnt get anymore ironic than that, ya know? His huge indescrepancy towards his wife, his lack of having faith in her, is really what causes her to be taken away by the demons. He gets extremely emotional and upset, naturally, and that is fine-n-dandy, but still, it is really his own fault. Whether watching a horror film or going about your daily life, I think when anyone you know seriously tells you "Uhm, Sparky? You're not gonna believe this, BUT...." people should listen to them, give them the benefit of the doubt (even if you instantly think the individual is complete mistaken), investigate the situation and THEN IF there is any reason to think that the person doesnt have both oars-in-the-water, then suggest they seek professional help. I know it may even sound silly to some folks out there that I make that suggestion based on a mere film, but it's still applicable because again, after viewing the original version of the film, I'm fairly certain that you too will exclaim "Omg, why isnt he believing her?!?!?!"
As reluctant as I was at first in writing about "Dont Be Afraid of the Dark"(1973) I'm glad that I did because it's really helped me in dispelling any inner child residual fears I had left over from watching the film all those years ago. If you're someone who loves horror films as much as I do, I highly recommend you to not only see the 2010 version of the film but try to watch the original 1973 version too because I do think it'd be worth your while. As for me, I do plan on going to see the 2010 version as soon as I get the chance to but if not, there's always renting it on dvd or getting it from Netflix. Either way, I'll be certain to keep a close watch over my heating vent covers outta the corner of my eye, just to be on the safe side...and as always, thank you for reading.