I dont know if it's legal or not to share people's actual names in these blog postings; however, I do respect the privacy of others and will NOT use any real names ever unless I have that individual's implicit permission. But for this particular posting, it doesn't matter cause I am gonna begin writing and just let it flow...I dont know where this is gonna end up so you may or may not need to reach for that steaming mug of coffee over on your kitchen counter at this point in time...
When he died, I didn't even get a phonecall. His closest friends and confidantes didnt even know about us, or so he told me; but, I think at least one or two did know because when you have pure, unabashed feelings for someone in the way we did for each other, that's just something you can't hide. Sometimes after spending time with each other, we would be sitting close to each other on the couch and he would hold my hand and tease me, in a loving way mind you, "You know, we dont want you to be known as my dirty little secret" and we would both laugh. Since then that laughter has turned into occassional pensiveness and the well of emotion that rises in me when I even speak of him is like a cannonball shot, sort of like the kind when you first meet someone who you know is gonna challenge every single concept you have of the word love.
Yeah I need to stop. I'm not ready for this, not this moment, but I will be, I will work through it, I promise myself. I think I need to take just 2 or 3 more steps back and re-evaluate how I am going to communicate to you the personal connection I share with the man in this piece. I can't even make the slightest infraction of inaccuracy when I describe to you the special bond we shared because I loved him so much and he truly deserved the best in every sense of the word. I knew him when he was my hero, but yet I dont mind the way the world sees him now because not only did he always always deserve the degree of recognition he's finally getting, but he truly earned every single word that is written about him - and then some.
Whoever you are, whatever your circumstances are, please dont ever ever enter into a hidden relationship because when the other person is gone, you have nothing. You cant say to someone "Oh well you know, he and I use to do this-n-that" or "Well, that's not the way it was.." because the only validation you have are the memories and what you feel in your heart. Now that's good enough for me, good enough for many of us, but it will never be good enough in the eyes of the outside world.
Right this moment I am thinking of one of my lady friends from Ireland, who practically does know my life story in regards to this particular chapter of it, and maybe I should say what she always tells me when it comes to what others think "Bloody hell, tell 'em ahl to just fech off!!!" And I should, I really should because that's one of the things the man in this piece loved about me - my fire, tempered with compassion, but with a spark unparalleled to any other(or so he use to tell me) He gave so much to others but he always made me feel like the universe, not the center, but the whole kit-n-caboodle. I will never forget him and I will always hold him close in my heart.
Rule #1 about writing anything - get a hold of yourself emotionally before composing. Then again, torrents of emotions mixed with floodgates of vocabulary can sometimes make an interesting mix, cant they? Of course, I'm sure there's some literary buttmunch out there who will say "You cant do that Spice, that's not right!" We all know from the previous paragraph what my next response would be...lol. Thanks for reading everyone.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I love the fact that you are speaking from the heart. It's part of why I connect so stongly with this blog. But stop apologising. This is your blog. It's about you, by you and to some extent for you. You are the Monarch of your blog realm. If people are going to jump on you for expressing yourself they are probably pissants and as your Irish friend says fuck them.
ReplyDeleteRamone, thank you for posting a comment and I just read it a second ago BUT I wont apologize for not getting to it sooner! Thank you, thank you for holding up that mirror that I needed to look into in regards to writing this blog. Your words of wisdom are something I will take to heart and put into action. I may fall once in awhile still but I will get back in the saddle as they say.
ReplyDelete