Pre-Surgery Post - Monday. June 7, 2010

I wasn't even sure whether or not I was going to write in my blog tonight because when I get hyper-nervous about anything I can't think straight, I can't eat or drink much and I literally toss my cookies off-n-on for a 24 to 48 hour period before I deal with and/or confront whatever the hell is making me nervous.

Originally I was gonna write about the first time I met my deceased partner Jack but when I talk about him, I want it to be coming from the bottom of my heart, not the bottom of my stomach. I wish he were here right now, he always did know how to soothe me and calm me down; but, I know he's here in spirit and that's all that matters.

In March, 2009, I had to have a tumor removed from my inner, upper, right thigh area. The doctors weren't sure if it was cancerous or perhaps an infected lypoma. A lypoma is literally a mass or ball of fatty tissue that has unexplainably formed in whatever area(s) of your body, it can be as small as an America quarter or as large as a medium-sized California grapefruit. Naturally, in my case, it was the latter! You don't have to be a certain age, suffering from a certain disease, fat, skinny, short, tall, like with Hiv, lypomas do not discriminate on any of those factors.

So it was removed and thank God it wasn't cancerous - yes! But, the bad thing about it was that it was much larger than they thought and they could not extract it totally without causing permanent damage to my leg muscles in my right leg. Soooo, they decided it would be best to wait a year, perhaps longer, to go back into the area and remove the rest.

And, that is what they are doing tomorrow morning at 9 a.m., EST, to me. I know I shouldnt be nervous but any type of surgery makes me damned nervous, even one that I've had before. Why? Because any time I go under anesthesia I think back to my cancer period where I literally lost 4 months of my life. I dont want to ever ever go through something like that in my life ever again, God willing. I know the last leg surgery was fine and it was a huge success, thank goodness it was; but, this is my body and I have every right to feel the way I do about the process I will be going through tomorrow morning, just as we all do.

And that's something everyone needs to keep in mind - doesnt matter how large or how small a surgery it is, or even what kind it is, when your body is being surgically operated on you have the right to be concerned about it and react to it any way you damn well please. Don't ever let anyone belittle or demean what you are going through because as a human being you have every right to feel the way you do.

Why is this surgery so important? Because for the least year I have not been able to walk normal, exercise normal, do nothing normal with my right leg like most people can do. I have had to walk with a permanent limp in my right leg, and on bad days, even with a cane. 44 years old and walking with a fucking cane, yep, that's my idea of the Golden Years! Once this surgery is done, I will be able to walk normal again - exercise normal again - and, even better, not only do all the things that normal people with normal legs do but I will be able to rebuild my body again and restore it back to what it was before all this crazy leg surgey crap began over a year ago.

So there you have it, the full story. I will be in the hospital for 2 to 3 days afterwards. When I finally return home I will begin what will hopefully be no more than a 4 to 6 week rehab period. Yeah, it will be a major bitch at first to get around but you all don't know how much I am looking forward to being able to walk normal again. It's gonna be great.

While I'm gone, my cousin Darrell will be handling the reigns of HivSpice. No, nothing melodramatic, I have always wanted to use that phrase "the reigns of HivSpice!" Sounds kinda kick-ass doesnt it? lol...seriously though, all that means is that he will be taking care of any messages that are sent to my Facebook account - the notifications, my beloved blog, invitations to various events, that all will have to wait until I return.

One last thing. Even though the visiting nurses association will be coming to check up on me after the surgery, I am doing this totally on my own. My family who lives out-of-state, hate to say this and maybe I will write about it someday, only comes to Boston when I am near death. And that's the truth. I'm not seeking attention or invoking pity by telling you all of this, but I just want to let others know that if you ever have to go through what I will be going through tomorrow by yourself, don't tell yourself you can't handle it because you can. I know you can. This is just one of those "things-we-hate-to-do-but-you-gotta-do-it-anyways" things in life, it really is. Oh yeah, don't get me wrong, who wants to deal with this kinda stuff alone? No one, not me, but you'd be surprised how tough your inner spirit is.

I'm gonna miss you all - I mean that sincerely. Now take good care of yourselves and know I am proud and honored to know or know of every one of you. Talk to you soon.