This morning I woke up in tears, as I do every year on this date. The severe tossin-n-turnin I experienced about 20 minutes beforehand which also usually takes place on this date was there to greet me as well. Usually when I turn in for the night I lay on my left side and within less than 5 minutes I'm out like a light. When I awaken in the morning I'm always on my right side, without fail. But today, on this damn date everything is always the opposite of what it usually is. No matter where I am living, whatever I am doing, every morning and every day and every night on this date, no matter how busy, how active, how hyper-spazz I make myself become to take my mind off of this date in my life history, I can never escape the emptiness that permeates the air. You see, my partner Jack died on October 17, 1989 and though I have accepted his death and have since moved on with my life, even though he is in my thoughts on a regular basis. on this date I just cannot get him off my mind. It's not that I hate thinking about him and the wonderful memories of him that live in my heart-n-soul, but the memories of this date all come rushing back. Not glimpses, but every single detail - the sights and sounds of that day, the fragrance of the air, everything comes back to me as if it all recently happened.
It's kind of ironic in a way that I'm even writing this right now, well, sorta. You see, every year, either on his birthday or on the anniversary of his passing away, without fail I have sat down and written him a letter. When I attended a grief counseling group a coupla months after his death, a few of the counselors I worked with suggested doing this for theraputic purposes, sort of a cleansing ritual of the soul, as well as a way to spend some "spiritual time" with him. Personally, I've found it very psychologically healthy over the years and I plan to continue to do this for as long as I feel comfortable in doing so. But this year is different because, quite coincidentally, a very close friend of mine observed the anniversary of his former partner passing away only yesterday. This afternoon when I spoke with him I told him, in a consideate, respectful manner, that I knew our lives paralleled each other's in certain ways but I didnt realize that each of these anniversaries in our lives were so close to each other date-wise. I asked him what are the chances of that happening and he told me something that helped me deal with the emotions of today - everything happens for a reason, we connect with people throughout our lifetimes when those connections and/or friendships are meant to happen. He's right because I am extremely thankful to call him, as well as his partner, friends. They're both wonderful people.
Normally I have always written my letters to Jack on paper and then sealed them and put them away in a small, carved wooden box a former employer gave me years ago as a birthday gift. But, the last several years or so, I've taken the liberty of writing them and storing them online. So right now, I'm going to write a letter to my Jack. I realize that it's not the usual blog-fare that my readers are accustomed to reading, as well as the fact that this may end up being one of the most extremely personal entries I've ever written in this blog, but all of you are welcomed to read onward or if you choose not to, that's okay too because you see, I need to do this for myself, for my Jack.
Dear Jack....Happy Belated 60th Birthday Sweethaht!!! I'm still living in Boston, Hon, so I just had to leave out the "R" in the 2nd part of that word! Today is Sunday, October 17, 2010 and you've been gone 21 years now but I wanted to tell you how much I still love you and miss you with all my heart Honey! As much of an emotional wreck as I am on this date, I actually laughed a bit today, all in a good way of course, when I thought of how you would look today. Of course, no matter how you would look you know I'd love you no matter what but Honey, I think it's kinda safe to assume that that bald spot that was starting the year before you died would be much, much larger by now! I know you use to hate it when I teased you about it but dont forget that I kissed that area every night before you went to sleep. I could never not love you, silly. But then again you'd probaly still have more hair than me with the things I've gone through. As you probaly already know, I've hit the age of 45 now - I know, I couldnt imagine us at these ages either! Hell, the last time I saw you I was only 24 and you were 39. Ah, 39, that age seems young to me now..lol.
As you may recall from all my previous letters to you, I just thought I'd do what I do in all my letters to you - let you know what has gone on in my life this past year and bring you up-to-date with everything. As is usual, I always have so much to tell you, so get ready for an earful or two...lol.
But before I get started, I have one very important thing to tell you, something that I think will give you a very giant smile. Do you remember that trust fund you started for that one homeless family that you helped out that one Christmas, the family from outside of Watsonville? Guess what? Remember the little boy, the baby? You're never gonna believe this Honey but that little baby boy will be graduating from Harvard Law School next spring!! No shit! He started out at U.C./Santa Cruz but then after his dad died he took some time off to help his Mom out and then shortly after that he got accepted into Harvard!! Can you believe it?? I'm still in contact with his Mom, and next spring when she comes out for his graduation, she wants me to join them for the celebration! Oh Jack, I'm so proud of that kid and even more proud that your unselfishness made sucha huge difference in that kid's life. You always use to tell me that we might not be able to change the whole world all in one shot, so sometimes one life at a time is always the best starting-off point, and you were right Honey.
As for me, whew, I'm always keeping busy, busy. My health is pretty good these days, T-cells, viral-loads, you name it, things are very stable and I feel very blessed. Still cancer-free, knock on wood. And, get this - this past summer after my leg surgery and about 6 or more weeks of rehab, I finally began to walk normal again!! No more limp, no more cane, no more dreaming of running up-n-down my front stoop to fetch my mail like everyone else does, it's all reality now and it's wonderful Jack! I thought about you throughout the entire process Honey and yes, I did curse you here-n-there for those times when I would fall and couldnt get back up, for not being there, but I stopped feeling sorry for myself during those moments and I didn't give up. I kept right on getting back up, even through the terrible charley-horses and sleepless nights, I kept strong. You woulda been proud of me.
My ships. Yep, I'm still crazy about my ships and this past week the newest Cunarder, the QUEEN ELIZABETH, made her maiden voyage and you should see her Jack, she's just gorgeous! She's about the same length as the QE II, down to the exact inch even, but at least a near 30,000 tons bigger. And Honey you should see how they build ships these days - no more laying down the keel, the ribbing and then the skin like they use to do. Nowadays they actually build the ships in fabricated, welded sections and then piece them together, like they use to do with the oil tankers back in the 70's. You know me, I could go on and on about this and omg, the QUEEN MARY 2, oh I could write you a book about her, she's just out of this world, I wish we could see her together. I still havent gotten the chance to see the QE 2 though - they took her outta service and now she's docked over in Dubai but someday, someday I will see her.
Guess who I heard from last week? Your cousin Virginia! Yep, we still talk a few times a year and she called to ask me if I still wanted her to send me some more walnuts from their trees out back but I had to tell her no and it really bummed me out. Since that damn diverticulitis put me in the hospital last year, the gastroenterologist said no more nuts (you pig! lol), peanuts or popcorn ever ever again. It's just as well Honey, cause I dont wanna be dealing with no colostomy bag, I'd rather not go down that road! Though I will admit, I miss things like chocolate-walnut brownies, pistachioes and simply grabbing a handful of mixed nuts here-n-there (I heard that!). As for the popcorn, eh, I can live without that too, it always use to get stuck in-between my teeth anyways...lol.
Guys. In all the years that I've been writing you these letters, year after year they still havent changed one damn bit. You would think as much as the world has changed since 1989, even with all the advanced technology we have nowadays, that men would change how they approach the word committment, but not so. It's just as it was before. Guys connect with someone real such as myself, they show some interest, then they think of the future, they get bored and they high-tail it away into the sunset. People nowadays dont realize what we realized years ago - a real relationship can be hard work but it's always worth it in the long run, if you want it to be.
In fact, this should make you happy - even a coupla of the guys online who claimed to be interested in me, were actually jealous of you! No shit Honey. I'd be writing in this blog and I'd get comments messaged to me like "Well you could never love me like you loved your Jack" or "Are you sure you're over him, even now?" In each instance I merely rolled my eyes, laughed it off and exclaimed "Whatever." People still dont understand what love is Jack, they just do not get it. Of course, I could never love anyone like I loved you - they're not you, they're their own individual but most people dont look at it that way, they always have to do this comparsion-bullshit. If any of them had even half a brain and attempted to use some rational intelligence they'd wake-up and realize that anyone, myself included, would love them for them, not based on some imaginary comparison chart with a former partner. Yes, I am over you, over the heartbreak and the pain and I have gone on with my life, but yes, there are times when I still hurt, when I still cry over you but it's only because sometimes I get really lonely Jack and there are also times when I miss you more than usual but hell, I'm only being human.
Actually, there are times when I get really really lonely Jack, as well as times when I get so goddamn sick-n-tired of doing everything by myself and on my own, it'd be nice to meet someone special again in my life, someone to share my life with, but I really dont know if that's gonna happen or not. I'd very much like it to but I sincerely dont know if I will meet someone who will look into my eyes the way you did and see in them what you did. I do know if someone could, they'd instantly realize what you did about me - that I have so much love to give to the right person. Until that person comes along, I guess I will be scaring the living shit out of alotta people Honey! Oh Jack, it's so funny sometimes, I wish you could see how transparent some of these people are. They start talking to me, getting to know me and then an alarm goes off in them and they start scurrying away, only they think I dont realize what's going on yet I usually see the writing on the wall after the 2nd or 3rd round of communication. I guess it's better to laugh about the humor of it all rather than get depressed and teary-eyed...lol
Jack, I wanna tell you something, in regards to what I just wrote. Sometimes having all these diseases does make me feel extremely self-conscious about looking for someone special. I know that it shouldnt but in the last few months or so it has made me wonder if there's any validation to any of it. I have experienced or still have the following diseases: Hiv+, Testicular Cancer Survivor (minus one nut), Gential Herpes, Diabetes, Diverticulitis and MRSA - wow, I guess that would make me rattle in my boots a bit too! Damn Jack, I guess I do indeed sound like the Disease-of-the-Month posterboy after all! Still, there's so many ways around those kinda things and I've always looked at it from this standpoint - if you love someone, you love them for who they are, not because of what diseases they have or dont have. I guess what I'm trying to say to you is this Honey - I don't wanna spend the remainder of my life alone, I want someone to love, and someone who will love me in return; but, if for some reason that doesnt happen, oh well, what are ya gonna do, ya know? No matter what happens, I have experienced true love in my lifetime, some folks never get to know what that's like. Besides, I always got my memories of you to keep me warm, to give me strength and to give me hope.
Work and my social life, or lack thereof! Oh I've been working a lot lately Jack, more than I ever have in my entire life. I always thought things would slow down after I hit 40 but that pre-conceived notion we all had back in the 1980's is a thing of the past Honey. Things are kinda tight for me financially these days but I'm doing my best to keep my head above water. The Boston gays, as well as the Boston Hiv'ers, are somewhat different than the Northern California gays that you and I were accustomed to. They're not as friendly, they're kinda stand-offish, almost aloof. But then again, until my work situation changes and I can get out more often, perhaps I shouldnt bitch about it. But it does kinda hurt Honey, I think that's part of the loneliness problem too. I'm gonna try to change that in the next week or two, I'm gonna knock on their doors, figuratively, and let them know that they need to let me in. Regardless of that, I plan to stay in Boston for as long as I can but if that changes I'm sure you'll know before I do...lol.
Friends. Though a good majority of my close friends are mainly of the internet variety, I gotta tell you Jack, some of the folks I have met online are truly some of the most extraordinary people I've ever come across. Honey, they are so nice to me, some of them even shoot me a note or message just to see how I am doing - they may be on a computer screen but they really do care about me. I'm so blessed with them, I really am. In fact, next year, if the vacation-times for my work schedule will configure to it, I plan to make 2 major trips next summer - Northern California and Canada. A few of the guys from the last two law firms you worked for want me to come out for an informal memorial service they are planning for you. I think it'll be healthy for me to do this because it'll give me a chance to visit with the people and places we use to know. As for Canada, I've always wanted to go there but now even moreso now that I have friends there, real friends, I think it'd be a blast to meet with some of them, schedules allowing and all.
One last thing before I close this extra-long epistle to you. Remember that Harvey Milk Foundation thing that group of us were thinking of forming back in '88? Well, there finally is a Harvey Milk Foundation now and it's a wonderful organization Honey, you'd be really impressed, especially since Harvey's nephew Stuart is heavily involved with it. They stand up and support alotta the important causes out there and so far they are a pretty damn good success if I may say so myself. Thought you would wanna know.
I'm gonna close this letter to you now Jack. It may sound kinda silly but in a way I'm actually afraid to, can you believe it? I know you can believe it because right now you and I are the only ones who can see my tears falling. Oh I know, I can write to you or talk to you anytime I damn well please, I know you'll always be there for me, but it's just that I'm really really missing you something awful today Honey. I dont know if it's cause of all the things that are going on in my life right now or maybe it's because I'm older now, but oh Jack, I miss you so much. Even with feeling you so close to me at times and remembering how it felt to hold you and be held in your arms, you're a pretty tough act to follow Honey. Tonight I was gonna write about the first night we met but I know that you of all people will understand why I couldnt do that tonight, because Jack it simply hurts too much today. I'll write about it another night, I promise, cause I always loved that story. I'm gonna go now. I love you so much, dont you ever forget that. Love Always, (Me)
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