I'm not planning on writing a "Christmas Dedication" series in this blog, yet since Christmas is my ultimate favorite holiday, and even though it is a chagrin to the majority of the people I know online, I'm gonna write about the holiday season whenever the fancy strikes me. In fact, I wasnt gonna write about anything "Christmasy" until the 24th or so, but for some reason tonight it feels right.
Looking back on my Christmas Dedication piece of 2010, I can actually see how much more I've grown as a person and a writer when comparing that blog post to my more recent blog entries. I still cant get over how nervous I was when I wrote that piece back then! I kept thinking to myself "What if he does indeed figure out it's about him? Will it make him smile, will it touch him, or will he be a complete and utter asshole about it??" Now when I look back on that piece, I can actually laugh about it because boy, did I have that guy pegged wrong. Embarassingly so, I cant believe I ever thought I could even stand a chance with someone like him. It goes to show you, or at least it showed me, that sometimes writing something anonymous like that and then sitting back and watching the other person's actions can really shed a bright, clear light on who they really are as people. And the funny thing is, is that I betcha he never ever really read it. Oh well, in his galaxy I'm quite certain he has much more worthwhile accolades to bask in.
But I was right on one thing about him - like alotta people who appear to clamor around me from time to time, he did get bored with HivSpice and moved on a bit. Oh, we're still friends and if he ever needs an ear-n-a-shoulder, I'll do my best to be there for him; but, we're not as close as we use to be and that's okay, I dont hold it against him or anybody when it comes to that kinda stuff, that's just the way life goes sometimes. But, I just think it's kinda funny how into me he was for awhile there and how fairly quickly the faerie dust in his eyes wore off. But I'll always care about him, as a friend and a human being, because he is an extraordinary man.
On the flip side of all this, an extremely flattering flip side I might add, there is a very special friend out there in the internet universe who privately commented to me on more than one occassion that he wished it was him that I wrote that piece about it. Well, there's something that I need to say to him about all of that right now, even though I know he hasnt read this blog in the last 6 months or so, and that is this...
I love you for who you are. There is in no way, shape or form, any legitimate way whatsoever of comparing how I feel about you with what I wrote to that guy in my Christmas Dedication piece of December 24th, 2010, just no friggin way. All that was was me taking a chance on doing a writing experiment, of seeing what effect, if any, an anonymous love-letter dedication would have on someone whom I thought might get the picture. But, he never got the picture. And even if he had gotten it, guess what? Knowing what I know about him now, it wouldve never worked out, I woulda been setting my heart up for a full and total disaster just waiting to happen and omg, isnt a broken heart at Christmas-time one of the most saddest scenarioes any of us could ever entertain about ourselves? I mean, not that any of us needs a long-term, romantic relationship to validate ourselves and our life's happiness, but contending with being single and alone is a helluva lot more pleasent than being brokenhearted, crying in ones' egg-nog and overindulging oneself on fancy Christmas cookies from the North Shore of Boston, dontcha think?
As a matter of fact, both reflecting back on writing that piece and even moreso, getting to know you better, has taught me that it truly is best to simply take a chance and let people know how you feel about them, versus writing a bubble-gummy schoolboy anonymous love-letter dedication to someone who never even had an inkling it was about them in the first place to begin with. In addition, I also have to extend a special note of thanks to my friend Ramone's mom who compassionately warned me that it's always best to take the high road on such affairs of the heart.
And I wanna tell you something else too. Not now, not ever in the present, nor the future, will another human being ever be able to tap directly into my soul the way you have with me. Now I realize that as close as we've always been, we both have drifted apart off-n-on since knowing each other and that's okay, that too is sometimes just the way life goes, even with all the warm, deep feelings and mutual respect we have for each other. But please, open up your ears and heart full-force right now and listen to this loudly and clearly - you never need to do anything to impress me because you've already done that by just being yourself. That is something that it doesnt matter who either of us ends up being with for the remainder of our lives, it is a bond that only you and I will ever share. If you ask me, I think that's pretty damn special and I'm not gonna question it, analyze it or any of that crazy shit that the majority of human beings do when they stumble upon a unique kind of love. I'm just gonna look at it, admonish it as much and whenever I can, and keeping going forward appreciating what I have with you.
Gee, I guess I have written a new Christmas dedication piece after all. But that's okay because when you're writing something which your thoughts and emotions flow so naturally and freely into the words onto the screen in front of you, well hell, it just doesnt get anymore truer than that folks. Plus the guy whom I wrote this about deserves it so very much. He has created some very beautiful things for me online in the past year or so, things that no one I know has ever once thought of doing for me - ever; and, he deserves so much praise, credit and reverence for his extremely thoughtful and unselfish ways. I dunno what his future holds for him anymore than I know what mine holds for me, but either way, I'll always love him for the special bond we have. And in an ironic kinda way, he'll never ever have to wish that I had written a special dedication just for him because quite frankly, I just did. Merry Christmas & Happy New Year to everyone out there and as always, thank you so much for reading.
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