Based on my own personal experiences thus far, the only questionable or "bad" thing about laying down the foundation for a possible interpersonal relationship with someone via the internet is that unlike in real life, it's virtually impossible to totally read a person because you never get to see their facial expressions and body language. Anyone could very well misrepresent themselves to you, as well as downright lie to you, and you'd never ever know the difference. Granted, there are things such as Skype and the like but even those, at best, appear in slower motion than real life and as we all know, capturing the look of someone elses eyes alone can literally provide you with a crystal-clear look into their very soul. Without being able to perform this one crucial key factor, I'd venture to say that that is the only frustrating, impairing, aspect of getting to know a person online.
Can this "problem" ever be elimanated between the two parties involved? Sure. But only if they both care enough about each other to wanna work through it. But only if they both can rise above the shallow, pseudo-egotistically enhanced waters of the world-wide-web and realize that two can indeed become one, just as long as both parties involved stay focused on each other. Any relationship that has begun on the internet which has not met the aforementioned criteria has never amounted to much of anything. Maybe a friendship here-n-there, but only if one is lucky. Very lucky.
I felt compelled to broach this subject tonight because I'm getting fed up with people using my anonymity as HivSpice as an excuse to monkeywrench the getting-to-know-you process itself, especially when those very same people are familiar with my real identity as well. I'm equally disdained by such people not being able to psychologically handle the reality that HivSpice and the real me are the same identical person. I've had it with people saying "Well, I'm not gonna say this-or-that, nor post this-or-that on HivSpice's walls cause I dont want the whole world to know my business!" Look, I'm not even famous by any means, I'm just some little guy trying to make a positive difference (no pun intended) in the lives of my fellow Hiv'ers and as many other people as I can reach out to - and that is all. There's really not a whole lot more to HivSpice than that. Really.
I've already been through this a hundred times previously in this blog, but let's getta few things cleared up right here-n-now. HivSpice, at best, is merely a small extension of myself as an individual. He and I are the same person. I am not some pseudo-psychiatric dual-identity gone awry. At worst, HivSpice is a small thin veneer that exists overneath myself, simply a harmless, non-threatening, anonymous drape. How anyone could exhibit jealousy towards an anonymous identity is beyond my scope of basic human comprehension. That has got to be one of the poorest, phoniest, and most immature cop-outs of an excuse I have ever heard in my entire friggin life. Gotta little bit of insecurity going on there, heh Sparky? Now if I was schizophrenic or perhaps even bi-polar and listened to Suzanne Vega songs all day-n-night, then I'd tell y'all to be genuinely concerned, but damn, people really do need to come to reality on this one.
In the future, should anyone attempt to use the jealousy factor as a form of rationale in nixing the getting-to-know-you-better process with me, or should such people claim "Well, this relationship cant work because you're HivSpice and that's all there is to it!" here's my response to that - I cant become involved with someone who'd rather scapegoat an anonymous identity versus being a real man and accepting the responsibility for ones own actions.
I suppose what really takes the cake on all of this is when you discover that the other person who is allegedly enjoying getting to know you better is actually courting one or more other people on the side because they "cant handle the pressures of you being HivSpice." Excuse me, but what kind of whacked-out rationale is that? Personally, I think those people who attempt to scapegoat any problems onto HivSpice are simply doing so out of convenience. I'm proud, not ashamed, to stand behind this name and do what I can to help in the battle against Hiv/AIDS and nothing in the world is ever gonna change that. Sure, someday I will kick the bucket, we all will; but, until then I dont plan on going anywhere anytime soon so I suggest that everyone out there who assumes otherwise to pull their heads out of their arses and breath, just breath.
There's something I'd like to suggest to the guys who have attempted to get to know me more personally in the past coupla years to seriously think about. Have any one of you ever once taken into consideration what others must think of you when they see you making advances towards me, and then you making extremely similiar advances towards one or more other parties? When I have asked people that question pointblank here's the response I've gotten "Nobody pays attention to that, they only pay attention to what appears on HivSpice's wall." Look, if any of you out there are that ignorant enough to think that foolishly, then you're right, there is no place for you in my life because no matter how desperately hard you attempt to cover this-or-that up, I'm not the only one seeing it. So are your friends. So are my friends. So is anyone else who can even peek slightly onto our walls. It's one thing for a person to make a fool of themselves, but to make a fool outta me too? I dont think so.
People online, in general, are not as knieve as some folks assume they are. They too can see when a person doesnt have the most sincerest of intentions towards me. They too can see when someone figuratively plants their lips firmly on my ass one second, and then in the next second figuratively sticks their tongue up someone else's ass. Newsflash - I dont like double-standards and I think it's pretty fucked up that there have been people out there who literally expect me to allow them to mistreat me in this manner, yet I'm suppose to be so self-conscious and so apologetic because those very same people actually feel threatened by HivSpice? I'm suppose to turn a blind eye to the fact that some people out there are simply cheats, chronic liars and flagrant schmendriks? Give me a friggin break.
Here's the deal - I keep everything real, just as I do in my real life. If anyone cant handle that, then they need to be honest with themselves, and with me, for anything less than that is totally non-negotiable with me. If a person cant handle my less-than-perfect life, nor the ups-n-downs of my everyday existence, nor my existence as HivSpice on the internet, then they need to be a man about it and speak up, with all the cards on the table and totally bullshit-free.
I'm really glad that I wrote this piece because I really needed to cleanse and free myself of some extremely heinous bullshit I've been encountering within the last 48 hours. This has been downright theraputic for me. I suppose some people out there might think "Jeepers, Spice, are you saying you would choose a web-name over the future possibility of a relationship??" No, I'm not saying that at all. But what I am saying is that I think what's happening is that once people get to know the real me and they gradually realize my life is no different from their own - there is no fame, no glitter, no wealthy fortune - I think they feel threatened by the fact that I am indeed what I say I am - the real thing - and, that ends up scaring the living shit out of them. They cant handle it so they fabricate excuses to discredit and discount me, as well as invent reasons to toss me to the side. Well, no more. For now on, I'm tossing right back. Be forewarned. Thank you for reading.
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