I'll be the first to admit, I never ever thought I'd be writing about the subject of news reporters, especially after all the significant experiences I've had with them in the past via my relationship with my deceased partner, Jack; but, here I am, 23 years after his death, battling those old demons all over again. It sucks. It sucks having all my old inner defense mechanisms flickering back on to full alert, not just because I never expected to be in sucha position again but because I thought that after all these years, those old sensor buttons were all tuckered out, totally disabled and a thing of the past. Thank God, thank God for things such as the powers of ones memory banks because without those, dealing with such paparazzi-like characters is virtually impossible. But I'm okay, I'm gonna be okay. Giant jolts to the trigger region of my adrenalin gland, but my sanity still intact, as well as my sense or humor - or so I hope.
Let me start out by saying that I dont have a problem with ANYONE who does not agree with the viewpoints, opinions and subject material that I address in my blog entires. As a matter of fact, I wholeheartedly welcome people to actually disagree with me, or voice whatever their comments and viewpoints are at the end of each blog entry. Even when it comes to something such as constructive criticism, that too I do not have a problem with either. I'll listen to and discuss whatever anyone has to say on that count, but whether I agree or disagree with it, I will respect the rights of others to share their voices with me. Talking about and sharing different ideas - if this blog in any way can get people to communicate in such ways with each other, then I think that's just wonderful, that is something I would greatly enjoy as well as appreciate.
However, by the same token, if ANYONE out there is going to attack anything I say or write about in this blog and then take it to the next level, most notably character assasination of myself, then that's where I have a problem with it. I mean, if you dont like what I write and dont have the least bit of respect for me as writer, then please, by all means, stop reading Luctor Et Emergo. This blog is like everything else in my life and your lives too - not everyone is gonna like it and I'm okay with that; but, again, to lecture, chastise, insult and denigrate my strength and integrity of character because of that, well hells bells, pardon me, but that's just downright fucken wrong.
A few days ago, in one of the Facebook groups I belong to, I was very thoroughly - and maliciously I might add - critiqued and attacked for a piece I wrote regarding the Criminalization of the Hiv disease and an individual who allegedly intentionally infected others with the disease. I knew before I even sat down to write that piece that it would be controversial in doing so but I had to take a chance and write it anyways because I needed to get how I felt inside off my chest. Well, there was indeed someone out there who didnt like what I had to say and he let me know it in no uncertain terms. That's fine, as one human being to another, that was his perogative.
However, what followed in the wake of all this literary critiquing was a series of critical, negative judgements against my person - the way I write, the way I think, and everything else in-between. I was told how much of a stupid ignoramus that I am as a human being, that I live in a fantasy world, and that I have no credibility as a writer AND a human being because of my anonymous identity as HivSpice. In other words, I was pretty much dragged thru the friggin mud back-n-forth a few times or more and trust me, every single word that that individual wanted to convey to me, I got it, loud-n-clear. I think we all know that not everyone out there is gonna like us for who we are or what we have to say but to encounter someone who viciously and relentelessly attacks our person over and over again, well hells bells again, that's just downright mean and hurtful.
One of my most immediate reactions towards all of this was simply "All I did was write something, a mere opinion piece, and now I'm getting cut up into a million little pieces becuase of THAT?"
But that wasnt my only immediate reaction. When he started going after me because of my anonymity and taunting the fucking hell outta of me because of it, I wish I woulda been able to climb through my computer screen and smack the living hell outta him for treating me that way. It was like all my old defense mechanisms sprang back into full operational mode. Then all the bad memories of my previous experiences with news reporters came instantly flooding back - that meeting in '88 when Jack, several of his associates (including that reporter from the Bay Area Reporter) and myself got together with the hopes of implementing a fully operational GLBTQ organization, including services for those of us who had Hiv/AIDS; the countless times they heckled Jack and I after he got sick and advanced into full-blown AIDS; and, lastly but definitely foremost in my mind, the several reporters who barraged me less than two hours after Jack had died in my arms as I was exiting out the backside of the hospital with "Is he dead?? Is he dead yet???" Wow, it's hard writing about that day even now, though I would like to add that Ray-Ban sunglasses may be able to hide tear-soaked eyes but they sure as hell didnt do a damn thing for a broken heart, that's for sure.
It's kinda funny in a way - if that reporter from a few days ago woulda taken some time to get to know me as a person before judging and figuratively executiing the living hell outta me as a human being, maybe he woulda felt differently about me overall in the long run. But, I doubt it. For those of you who know of my disdain and contempt for certain states in this great land of ours, you're never gonna believe this but yes, he hails from one of the states I despise the most. Kinda ironic, dontcha think? He hails from an area of the country that I fought tooth-n-nail to get away from in my early years and when I look back on those yesteryears, as well as what has transpired between him and I the last few days, am I ever still thankful that I did.
I'm not gonna name this thing - I'd call him a human being, but hell, he lost that classification the second he started ripping me apart - because apparently I can get legally sued for any and all of my blog entries, or so I was informed. I'm not saying that couldnt happen to me, or to anyone else for that matter, but here's my take on that - this blog is my sole property. I own it, I write and talk exactly the way I damn well please in it and I'll be damned if anyone is gonna defy my First Amendment rights in doing so. Yeah, imagine it - a sue-happy bastard that has it out for both Luctor Et Emergo AND HivSpice - what are the chances, ya know? Well, one thing is for sure, no one can ever say that my existence as HivSpice has ever been boring because it most certainly hasnt, that's for sure.
As to where does this all lead next? I really dunno. The fierce attacks I've been experiencing the last few days have finally subsided; but, that's not to say that they wont happen again. After all, there is more than just one nosey news reporter out there in internetland, folks. I gotta admit, I never in a million years imagined this would happen to me, not this many years after Jack's death. Even a few of my closest confidantes reassured me over and over again over the past coupla years that most people by now wouldnt even remember who I really was; but, I'm not so sure anymore. I plan to keep my eyes peeled, both in front of me and in the back of my head, because my red flags are all up and I think they're probaly gonna stay that way for awhile. I think that's an awful shame and I'll tell you why.
Because for the last coupla years that I've been interacting with so many extraordinary people online, so many people whom I truly consider real friends, I've become more and more lax about sheddiing my skin as HivSpice and stepping out as the real me. I'm serious, I'm not pulling any of your legs. There are so many of you out there who have personally reached out to me and have told me "Hey, we like you for who you are, doesnt matter if you're Spice or not." Wow, y'all just cant imagine what that kinda thing means to me - you like me because of me. You're not liking me because of who I use to be, but because of me, because of who I am right here-n-now. That right there is one of the more personal reasons why this name was created - so that I could prove to myself and others that I can do things on my own, I am totally self-sufficient as a human being in every sense of the word, I dont need to rest on the laurels that Jack worked hard for and fought for when he was alive or the fact that I was his life partner - I can do everything myself. That goes way beyond a feeling of independence folks and trust me, it's a very damn good feeling. And I have a lot of you to thank for that, not just myself.
With all this being said, no, I'm not gonna step out into the light as my real self anytime soon. I wanna wait until I feel more confident in doing so because the experiences of the last few days have really thrown me for a loop. Was I considering doing so in the near future? Yes, actually I was because personally, I feel that I've accomplished everything I set out to do under the auspices of HivSpice. I think it's high time that the real me starts getting credit for all his hard work and accomplishments, dont you? I mean, wouldnt it be nice to just be able to drop the gawddamn mask and step out into the real world as the full, total, real me? I think it would be. But, again, I'm gonna wait a bit longer because quite frankly, just as in real life, those bullies we encounter along the way are always gonna be around and there's nothing that HivSpice, the real me and the rest of you can do about that - it's a part of life we just have to live with.
I wanna give all my readers out there an extra special Thank-You for taking the time to read this extra-lengthy piece because it was more about my experiences and a form of therapy for myself more than it was anything else. I know that we're all just names and personalities on a computer screen but I know that I am real and I also know that for the most part, so are the rest of you too. I dont know if my most recent bully will surface again or not. I kinda think he will cause you've never seem someone that hell-bent on spite like he is. Like, wow, double-major-wow. But thats okay because sooner or later we all learn that the best way to defeat any bully is stand up to them and stand strong. Thank you for reading everyone.
Note: I've taken the liberty of including various images from Northern California and my beloved Boston in this piece, in honor of Jack and me, our lives together and our lives apart. Seeya in Heaven, Kiddo.
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