Some of My Personal Thoughts on Relationships - Sunday, August 30, 2015

The subject of interpersonal relationships is notta new subject for me to broach in this blog. As a matter of fact, I've previously written on the subject several times in this blog. But, now that everyone out there can see the real me, the man behind this name, in a way it changes everything because I no longer have to wonder "Well, golly-gee-whillickers Batman, what will they think of the real me??" With that being the case, here are my thoughts on the subject of "meeting" and getting to know someone online, and seeing where (if at all) things may go....

The issue of pictures/photographs. Hey, I think that's a great idea, letting others see the real person they are typing to, makes perfect sense to me. BUT, here's where I personally have a problem with that - aside from the photo posted on my real account, which the only difference between the way I look in it then and now is that I've lost about 17 to 20 lbs since that photo was taken, there won't be any new pics of me anytime soon and here is why - because I was forced outta the closet as an Hiv'er by Facebook itself and since I had no choice in that matter, I'll be damned if I'm gonna surrender anymore choicemaking decisions in the near future. I'm still dealing mentally with all of this and the last thing I wanna do at this particular point in time is say "Hey everybody!!! Look at me!!! 5 to 7 new photos of the artist formerly known as HivSpice, all for your viewing pleasure!!!" Point blank, I don't think so motherfucker. However, when I'm ready to post new pics of myself online, trust me, y'all will be the first to know, okay?

Speaking of selfies and what-not, that is something that I've noticed moreso now than ever before when it comes to being online - people are STILL fairly obsessed with what other people look like. And that just blows my mind, it really does. You would think that in the age of Hiv/AIDS which we're currently still living in, people would FINALLY realize that yes, physical looks may play a role in how 2 individuals relate/connect with each other BUT THAT should be a very minor part of any relationship, it's a person's personality and strength of character that should be the crowning prizes of the overall individual. But, it just ain't so. And that's okay, but let's get something straight right away with anyone who may consider approaching me for an interpersonal relationship....

....I am NOT a gym clone, I'm extremely lucky to be alive(!)...I'm not in my 20's, they are far behind me...I am NOT a trophy husband, those days ended way back in the late 1980's for me, kids...what I am is justa nice, decent, average-looking, honest, hardworking individual who happens to be gay, who happens to be a 26 year survivor of being Hiv+, and who would LOVE to find that special someone, especially since 50 looms closer and closer with each passing day! lol...seriously though, there is nothing fancy or extravagant about me, I'm probaly the most simplest (and perhaps even dull in some cases, I suppose)and down-to-earth person you will ever wanna meet. And that about sums it up. So if you not interested or can't handle what I am, then please, by all means, you know where the curb is. I don't need anymore bullshit in my life than I am already contending with and I'd almost bet my bottom dollar that you don't either.

What do I want most from that future special person in my life? It's rather simple and just like me - be real. All I want is a real person. Don't think of ways to try and impress me because quite frankly, my ability to be impressed by anyone out there died a long, long time ago. Just be yourself, keep it real, be honest and all that other good stuff and chances are that those things will make more of an impression on me than anything else.

I mentioned in my previous blog entry that there hasn't been any majorly negative fallout from me revealing - more like being coerced - my real identity; but, there's something that no one has bothered to take into consideration regarding me and I think this needs to be addressed right away - IF any of the media demons from my past stumble across me from here on out and attempt to make contact and/or start "shit" with me, you better make certain that THAT kinda scenario isn't gonna make you flip out and run away. I've dealt with them in the past and already know how to deal with those characters (actually, the more proper word would be "bastards" no lie), but if you're not sure, then you gotta speak up and keep your cards up on the table, where they should be anyways, know what I mean Sparky? I'm not saying any of this is gonna happen BUT I've been around long enough as well as been through enough things in my life to know that rather than be positive, negative, or whatever, it's best to be prepared, just in case. So please take this cautionary stance as just part of a mere reality check should you and I find ourselves bonding with each other.

No, this post is NOT directed towards any individual in particular, it's simply my stance on this whole relationship business since people can now see the real person behind HivSpice and that really is basically about it. I guess maybe we could even call this little essay a disclaimer in regards to my stance on interpersonal relationships, but hell, even I don't need to be that dramatic. I am who I am and hopefully you will like me and get to know me better; but, if for some reason you choose not to, oh well, que sera sera, because when it really boils down to it, I plan to keep on keeping on either way. And you should too. Thank you everyone for taking the time to read this.

Justa Few Reflections - Saturday, August 29th, 2015

It's been a little over 2 months since I've written in this blog and this past week I've had so many thoughts running through my mind that I felt compelled to write today so that I can get them all down in black-n-white so to say. In other words, even though I don't need the "writing bug" to bite me square in the ass to get me to writing, it actually did this time!

This probaly goes without saying for most of you who are still keeping up with me, BUT....I still haven't gotten my HivSpice account reinstated at Facebook and yes, I realize that most folks woulda given up by now when it comes to making that a reality but I refuse to do so. I'm not going to give up, not ever, because as much as HivSpice and the real me are indeed the same exact person that we've always been, I still feel like one of my arms has been cut off and that STILL rubs my rhubarb the wrong way. There is one more process I need to attempt and as soon as I do, whatever the outcome, I will definitely share it with you.

Over the years, I've always been extremely worried about what revealing my real identity could do to the rest of my life and as it stands right now, as to this day, none of those worries have become reality - thank God. My two foremost concerns were if anyone at either of my workplaces would find out that I'm an Hiv'er and how that would affect both my positions and my 2nd concern was if anyone from my past, most notably the years I was with my partner Jack, would appear from outta nowhere and attempt to cause great havoc in my life. On the 1st concern, nothing - and I emphatically say that with great relief! - has happened and I hope it stays that way. True, true, Boston is an extremely liberal place to be but be that as it may, shit still happens here, laws or no laws regarding us Hiv'ers. An employer can state to you "No problem, no problem at all" and then before you know it you can end up on the unemployment line because you didn't wipe your ass the right way in the employee restroom. I've seen it happen to many times to too many people in the years since I have lived in this great city.

The 2nd concern has not "yet" happened and I pray it doesn't; BUT, if it does, well then, God help anyone who tries stirring up this hornet's nest known as HivSpice. I've come too far and survived too many things over the years to allow myself to be kicked down and shit on by anyone. The only thing that has happened but yet is so distant from what I went thru with Jack that I can't technically quality it as a ghost-from-the-past is that 2 of the people on my current Friends List at my real account are actually friends (online, yes, in-person, I dunno)with one of my old foes from the old days in California. Yes, I will admit, it does make me feel uneasy and it does make the hair on my back raise up a few inches; but, right now, with all that is going on in my life, I just don't have time to worry about that. And for what it's worth, the one person is a Sister of Perpetual Indulgence and she probaly has so many damn friend requests flying at her that she may not even realize who she's friends with. The other is one of my most trusted and true friends of all time and I WILL be discussing the matter with her as soon as we we have the opportunity to meet in person - uh huh, for sure.

Oh damn, I just realized something as I'm writing this...I've always been longwinded when it comes to my paragraphs but it's actually part of my writing style, believe it or not; but, I just realized that when this blog was written from the old Posterous.com website, it evened out the paragraphs rather nicely, whereas here at blogspot.com it actually makes them look like they never will stop! Oh well, y'all are just gonna have to bear with me until I get the blog going via WordPress.com - and hey, thanks for your patience with ALL of that.

Ah, the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, which I just mentioned 2 paragraphs ago. I just wanna say a few things about them. I think they are simply one very fucking amazing group of individuals, their stances on the numerous LGBT and Hiv/AIDS issues out there, their commitment to various fundraisers towards helping others, etc., I could just go on and on with the accolades that I have for each and every one of them for they truly are some of the most profound, most creative and most unique individuals I have ever had the good fortune of running across online. They really are. In fact, some folks have wondered why I have sucha great proliferation of them on my Friends List at my real account and all I can say to that is this - because there are SO MANY of them, I truly don't know how to keep up with them all at once! I'm very honored to be on their Friends list as well and I do look forward to keeping up with their happenings as much as possible; amazing, that's the best word to describe them.

Because of the fact that I have not written regularly in this blog in a few years and also because the HivSpice FB account is currently shut-down (temporarily I still say) there is a whole array of new readers, new friends, etc., who have no fucken clue as to who or what HivSpice is. Rather than rewrite from my much earlier postings in this blog, I'd like to try to give a summarized synopsis of what I am all about. Trying to make a long, long story short has always been a major pain-in-the-ass for me, but here goes...this name was created in the mid 1990's as a stable, committed voice in the battle against Hiv/AIDS, someone who has, and always will, stand up and fight for the little guys in life, not just on the Hiv/AIDS fronts but as the years have rolled by, on many other fronts too. We all matter, we all count, and we all need to be heard. The name, on a more personal level, was created as a memorial to my deceased partner Jack, who died of AIDS back in 1989 (I was diagnosed 3 months before he died). He always told me "Don't ever give up, keep on fighting and whatever you do, make your voice known, make them listen if you can." Am I famous for anything? No, but my Jack was - he was one of the bevy of trial lawyers who made sure that Dan White ended up in jail - yes, that Dan White. And now you know why I've kept anonymous all these years behind the name HivSpice - to protect both Jack and myself. There's so much more to say about all of this, but the synopsis is over. If you wanna know more, just travel back to my previous blog postings and/or ask me personally. Thank you.

In closing, has any good come of the HivSpice name currently being stuck in internet-limbo? Probaly just one thing and I suppose it could be considered minor to some out there - all the years I had the HivSpice account, I could NEVER turn on my FB chatbox and just visit with friends in a very relaxing, nonchalant way - the second I'd turn that damn thing on "BOOOOMMMMM!!!" an instant 35 to 55 conversations would begin, horrendous to say the least(!!), even as much as I love talking with people. Now, even with all the newer friends on my real FB account, I get maybe 2 to 5 requests to chat per night, even if that. It's different, I'll say that much for it, it's probaly that damn circle-of-life bullshit that everyone is referencing these days....lol. Anywho, I'm gonna close for now and I intend to write another piece before the end of the weekend, time-allowing. Take care everyone and as always, thank you for reading.

This Is Only A Test - Sunday, June 21, 2015

I'm not sure if this is even gonna work but there is a possibility (or at least I hope there is) that I may be able to get this blog exported to my real FB account. I just wish I was more computer savvy when it comes to such matters. Regardless, just a tiny note to let folks know that either way I do plan to start writing again in the very near future. It probaly won't be as often as I'd like it to be like it was back in the day, due to the fact that I work 2 jobs back-to-back, but I really miss writing. Hope this teeny tiny note finds everyone who reads it having a wonderful summer thus far. As always, thanks for reading.

Me and Heatwaves Simply Don't Mix - Thursday, July 19th, 2012

 I feel a twinge narcissistic writing about the horrible time my aging body has when it comes to dealing with heatwaves, especially the one that we're all experiencing this week here in the Boston area but I'm hoping that by doing so it will help folks to not only realize why I drop off the internet map during such times of personal distress as well as help others who have similiar experiences with our nations erratic weather patterns realize that they indeed are not alone on this particular battlefront.

As a matter of fact, what I should be writing about is the upcoming International AIDS Conference which will be taking place in Washington, D.C. from July 22nd thru the 27th, especially which issues I think my fellow activists should and/or should not focus on; but, since I can't attend it this year due to my new job, I'll just have to sit back with the rest of my fellow Hiv'ers who also won't be able to attend and watch the news updates from the sidelines. And rather than go into a mild tirade on how I feel some of my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists should be using much more effective strategies to get their points across the table, I won't for a change. Am just gonna go with the attitude that it is what it is and concentrate on getting myself through this current heatwave.

What basically happens every time we have heatwaves of 90+ temperatures and unbearable 55+ humidity levels, is that my body literally falls apart inside and I get sick. Sometimes very sick, in the physically ill sense. Trust me, this isn't just about hating hot weather and pissnin-n-moanin about it and how it makes me feel slimey and gross all over, what happens to me is very very much real. And, these manisfestations don't happen in any particular order they merely happen when they happen and as often as they like to happen. I have named such maladies using very simply laymans terms and they are as follows...

Heat Diarrhea. Yeah, I know, just writing that makes me wanna yell out "Oh Mary, let's not go THERE!!" but it's true. I can be at work, out window-shopping after work or just taking a simple stroll on the beach and all of a sudden, it feels like something is letting loose inside (and it is Blanche, it really is! Okay, sorry...) and before you know it, I'm racing to find the nearest facilities and it's not just annoying to have to go through that, but it's just downright disgusting. I mean, who the hell wants to go through something like that when it's so gawddamn hot out that people are frying their breakfast eggs on their sidewalks?

Heat Headaches. I don't know which is worse, a sinus headache or a heat headache, because even though the severity of pain is very similiar, usually a sinus headache can be taken care of with some simple over-the-counter pain medications, whereas with a heat headache you just have to wade it out and it's not fun, not just when you have to go to work but even when you come home and try to relax too.

Heat Exhaustion. That malady is not only not fun but it can be very dangerous if one doesn't take the essential precautions of staying outta the heat, immersing oneself in air conditioning and drinking lots and lots of fluids. For me it makes me way beyond lethargic with the worst part being that I feel so damn physically and mentally drained that I just wanna find an iceberg floating somewhere and curl up on top of it and go soundly to sleep cause that's what extreme heat truly does to me - knocks me out so much that I look for a place to lay down and simply crash to high heaven.

It's funny. When I was a teenager and a young man in his early twenties, I use to practically worship the sun, even with being a fair-skinned blonde, it didn't matter. We blondes always looked better with tans (and still do for those folks out there who still sun-worship) and laying out by a swimming pool or a nearby lake was quite an annual summertime religious experience for me. But, those days are gone and quite frankly, I really don't miss them. With all the medications I'm on (both Hiv and non-Hiv related) and plus the fact that I am extremely fortunate enough to be a cancer survivor, laying out anywhere in the sun, versus even going out in the sun without sunscreen protection, are both big no-no's for me. Plus with the cases of melanomas and other skin cancers constantly on the rise world-wide, it should be that way for everyone but, we all live by our own rules I guess.

I have no magical suggestions on how anyone can successfully conquer the human body's aversion to heat-n-humidity induced physical illness though I sure wish I did. All I know is what my doctors, and many-a local weather forecasters, have told me - during such times, try to stay indoors as much as possible, stay as cool as possible regardless of the method (swimming, air-conditioning, cool to lukewarm showers, freezing ones undergarments for about 20 minutes before using, etc.) drink plenty of water, whether chilled or at room temperature; and, IF you must go outdoors, make certain you put on a sunscreen containing an appropriate SPF level (I personally don't use anything lower than an SPF of 30) at least a good 20 minutes before going outside. In other words, take as good of care of yourself as you can because heat exhaustion can be a very serious life-threatening situation if one isn't too careful.

So in closing, I'd just like to say to both my readers and/or friends that when you hear of a giant nasty ole' heatwave blanketing the entire Eastern seaboard like it has been doing this week and you don't see me online much or you continously reach my voicemail on my cellphone it's most likely because I am laying down somewhere in my home attempting to recuperate from being so damn spent due to the heat, and yes, it does literally knock me out that much folks. I truly wish there were a summertime world where the temps would not go above 75 to 80 degrees every day and there was zero humidity but I just don't think that kinda world exists. For those of you out there who have the same issues I do with these gawd-awful heatwaves, please, look after yourselves and your loved ones too. Thank you for reading.

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Ramblings On Popularity - Saturday, July 7th, 2012

I've been debating for the last coupla weeks about whether or not to write about this subject because not only have I previously written about it in this blog, but the definition of this term is just like an opinion - everybody has one. I realize that sounds cliche but as somebody who usually receives a myriad of answers to the question "Why are you under the impression that I am popular?" it can be perplexing, even downright confusing. Perhaps a better question would be "That's great but exactly what is your definition of that term?"

With being a fairly visible Hiv/AIDS activist, I've noticed over the years, but especially over the last few months, that alotta folks out there think I'm "popular" when it comes to my activism. Perhaps to an extent that is true but when it comes to people comparing me to my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists, I really am just small potatoes. Think about it. I don't have my own individual website; nor my own spearheading organization; nor photo albums of myself posing with various gliteratti; nor my own Facebook group (gawd forbid); nor any of the other denominators that indicate popularity. There's just me, this blog and that's basically about it (at least for now). Hey, I don't have any problems with any of that, besides, the more simplified my life is the happier I am overall.

Oh sure, there is that teeny tiny space that I hold in the vast realm of GLBTQ history because of whom my partner was but as proud and silently revereful as I am towards that era in my life, let's face it, to the countless members of the younger generations who aren't even the least bit familliar with who and what Harvey Milk & George Moscone were all about, I really am considered an old dinosaur in that sense, ancient history if you will. 

It's kinda funny in a way because a coupla years back when I shared my personal connection to the aformentioned with one of the more well-known gay Canadian journalists out there, just as I was about 2 seconds away from revealing my true identity to him, he responded "Well, who's really gonna care about that now anyways? That was then." True, but moments like that don't happen in every lifetime. So maybe I am an old dinosaur after all but damn, it sure did feel very intense when it all was happening at the time. Perhaps someday someone will stumble upon such ancient scrolls and maybe even exclaim "Whoah, you're never gonna believe this but that Spice dude..."

Regardless of the past, present and/or future, I only wanna be "popular" in 2 senses of the word. First, I wanna be respected as someone who did everything he possibly could in waging the war against (as well as educating) this terrible monster called the Hiv/AIDS epidemic. Someday after I'm gone I'm hoping that at least a few folks will say "Damn, he did the best he could to save lives and comfort others. Second, if "popularity" can be gaged on the amount of people whom truly love and care about you, as well as who your true friends really really are, then I wanna be one of the top contenders when it comes to that because everything I say and do isn't soley for my own benefit but for the benefit of others. People - but especially my fellow Hiv'ers and PWAS -  need to know that there really is someone out there who genuinely cares about what happens to them and if I can't be that to others, then what the hell is there?

I won't get on my soapbox about how thoroughly disgusted I am with some (not all) of the younger generations of Hiv/AIDS acitivsts out there because like yourselves I too realize I have already said a lot in that direction; but, there is something that I need to reassure people about and that is simply this - you will never catch me being popular for the sake of my self because that simply isn't me. Like I've said before, I'm not out to win any popularity contest of any kind, but if anyone is gonna classify me as "popular" then all I ask is that others do so for the right reasons, not the wrong ones. Thank you for reading. 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Changing The Name Of AIDS - Saturday, June 9th, 2012

Wow, now I do feel bad because I thought it's been only about a month since I've written here in "Luctor Et Emergo" but in reality it's been over a month! I realize that shouldn't matter either way for it is my blog but I'm one of those people who prefers to keep on with keeping on as they say. I realize there are gonna be times when I'm just not gonna have time to write as much as I'd like to and this past month or so of dealing with my new job and my new home was one of those times butchy'all know what I mean, I'm always gonna do my best as much as I can.

With all that being said, I've been wanting to write about this very subject - changing the name of AIDS, as in literally changing it's actual name - for almost 2 months now because of an article I read online on the Huffington Post website. However, as is usually the case with the Huffington Post, you can read anything on that site your little heart desires but cross-reference the subject title over and over again afterwards and you will more than likely NEVER come across the article ever again. That bothers me because although this is a blog and I am not required to supply all my sources to my readers, I'd still like to do so whenever I can. Oh well, lesson learned, for any of us who read anything from the HP website, let us all save or email it to ourselves from here on out, just to be on the safe side.

I personally am AGAINST changing the actual name, the actual meaning of AIDS as a disease, as it being the 2nd phase of being Hiv+ and so on and so on and I'll tell you why.

I think that everyone in the world should respond to this issue by simply asking the following question - who in their right frame of mind should even consider giving two-rats-asses about this subject in the first place, especially when there still are millions of people dying from AIDS itself, as well as millions more becoming infected with the Hiv virus on a daily basis? This issue totally deflects from what the real focuses of the battle against AIDS should be. I mean, if putting this issue above the importance of human lives is a priority then people who dream up such irrelevent trifle as this need to reorganize their priorities. It doesn't matter how much AIDS has evolved over the years, both as a disease/medical condition or how people describe/discuss it in the written word - it's not gonna change the fact that it's a killer disease that still needs to be stopped dead in its tracks. Doesn't get anymore uncomplicated than that folks.

Another facet that concerns me regarding all of this is that hypothetically if all the political terminologists out there do indeed get their way and actually do find a way to change the meaning and concept of AIDS, what will that say about the millions of people who have died during the first 30 years of this horrible epidemic? Does that mean we all should think of their deaths in a lesser degree because now magically the harsh realities of AIDS as defined by the new terminology would no longer exist? No, diminishing what the majority of us have gone through with this disease ever since it raised its hoary head back in '80/'81 (I say the latter but "experts" state the former figure) by changing the public's entire perception of AIDS does the deceased, their survirors and those of us who are still battling this awful disease a great disservice because it's like saying "Well, it's not all that bad." Trust me, unless you yourself are Hiv+ or have full-blown AIDS, it IS all that bad, and in a lotta cases, even worse.

In addition, by intentionally downgrading the severity of the AIDS epidemic, these Hiv- politically correct terminologists and theorists automatically divert the focus on research and finding a cure for AIDS, which in turn affects the quality of life for those of us still battling the disease. Think about it. If any group of persons approached you with the concept of "Well, you know that disease you have, the one that's eventually gonna rob you of your life? We've decided to re-classify it because we're so bored with it that we simply don't know what else to do with ourselves!!" you'd be pretty damn fired up and outraged too.

Look, many of us Hiv'ers, as well as our medical teams and caregivers, know all too well how extremely frustrating and disheartening it is to deal with a disease where 4 or 5 steps backwards for every 1 to 2 steps forward is generally the norm, but by attempting to change the entire definition of AIDS, both as a disease and a terminological phrase just because people are so damn frustrated by not being able to deal with it does NOT make it any better, let alone easier, for the rest of us to deal with. We all need to keep our focuses on the straight-n-arrow on working on improving research possibilies, even more effective (and more affordable, mind you) medication possibilities and even better care options for those who are very sick and dying versus being worried about something as buttmunchish as how people who look up the term AIDS in their dictionaries and medical terminology textbooks 20 years from now will comprehend what this disease is/was really all about in the first place.

Priorities, it's all about priorities people and regardless of what any of us may or may not believe from a theological and/or spiritual context, as far as any of us knows we only get one shot at this lifetime and I dunno about the rest of you but I plan to secure and preserve my opportunities at makling this life last as long and as fully as I possibly can. So although changing the name of AIDS and what it means to the world in general is not a top priority of mine by any means, I definitely do not agree that it should be a top priority for anyone else on this planet either. Research, more affordable better drugs, better care options and a cure, those are the goals we need to keep our sights set on. Thank you for reading.

 

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo

Moving On Up - Sunday, April 29th, 2012

Though I had originally planned on returning to a more frequent writing schedule within this blog the last time I wrote in it, that simply hasn't happened because lately I've been extremely pre-occupied with all the good things currently taking place in my life - my new job, my new apartment (which I should be totally moved into by the end of next week/weekend) and just the all around general atmosphere that things in my life are definitely and FINALLY taking a turn for the better in my life. Of course, that's not to say that life is a bed of roses but let's just say there haven't been as many pricks lately!

Yet as extremely happy as I am with all the new positive changes currently taking place in my life, I've had my emotional moments here too. Whatta lotta folks don't realize is that when I moved here to the Boston area back in 1995, it was the first time I literally stood totally by myself on my own two feet since my college days, right before Jack and I moved in together, so naturally the process of my leaving the downtown Boston area altogether has been a helluva lot more pivotal for me on a personal level than anyone could ever realize. 

As outrageously expensive as it's been for me to live in the downtown area, especially over the last 4 to 5 year period with inflations, tax raises, the economy bottoming out and what-not, one becomes extremely spoiled living in a vaccum where everything is so darn centrally located. Come any weather pattern, or even hell or high-water for that matter, whenever I needed something, regardless of the hour or the day or night, all it took was taking a coupla blocks walk or so in any direction or just jumping on the T and there ya go, all was taken care of - last minute prescriptions, last minute meal/desert preparations for friends or family, last-minute birthday gift-buying, or hell, even last-minute "Gee, I think I will go get that quart of coffee from D.D's after all" runs, it's all been so damn convenient. I'm gonna miss that kinda lifestyle and not just part of it but all of it. Who wouldn't?

Ironically, all the aforementioned perks are also exactly why I am so grateful and eager to be moving away from the city because my new life situation is gonna be so much better for me all around. A new job, a new apartment and best of all, everything within my immediate environment, not only centrally located just as it was for me in the downtown Boston area BUT ALL at a more affordable living expenses range! Oh rapture over and over again on that one single count. No more worrying about how this-or-that change in my prescription coverage is gonna dictate how I distribute my monthly funds for bills, for rent, for everything. From here on out, every aspect of my daily survival will be configured to a safe, stable, steady income that should be more than enough to ensure my continued survival as well as even having a few extra bucks left over each week to put into this-n-that fund. After all, with the way our national economy has been in the past 5 years, I think that both myself and anyone else who's a fellow passenger in the same boat as myself should be beyond ecstatic about this, don't you? Or as I've posted recently on Facebook, "Life is good, Batman." 

There's only one little thing that tugs at my heartstrrings when it comes to the upcoming final phases of this move and it's something that I've already come to peace with yet it continues to resonate within me. Before I go ahead and say it, I just wanna say that even though I already know that my friends who are spiritual will make an effort to reassure me that my affirmation on this issue is true, it still doesn't make me feel any less emotional about it. 

Even though I realize that our loved ones who have passed on before us are always with us, no matter where we go or where we are, in the back of my mind I still worry about Jack. Every time I go to fill up a packing box or send out a change of address notice, I stop, I pause and I say to myself "Oh my gawd, what if he needs me and he can't find me? What do I do then?"  I know that's just my heart and subconscious talking to me, that special place within me that will always miss him coming through, but again, it still doesn't make it any easier to deal with mentally. In my mind I know that he'll know where to find me should he ever need me but in my heart I just fall to pieces about it sometimes.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 I've even hadda a coupla nightmares about this during the last month, yet in every one of those nightmares there has always been a period of where at first I hear him saying "I can't find you, I can't find you!" followed several minutes later with him saying "There you are...." and then the nightmare dissipating into a dream that ends with us holding each other in our arms. I mean, I know that I carry Jack in that special place in my heart that is reserved especially for him (you know, just that one part, so that it frees up the rest of ones heart for the next special someone to come along; after all, life does go on.....) and he'll always be with me there and in my memories, but it's just kinda ironic in a way that whenever something really really good happens in our lives, that part of us that is insecure about the unknown factors of those good situations can sometimes invoke all kinds of mixed emotions about our previous life sitiations which do not have one iota of connection to the present - at least for the most part.

So yeah, I'm beyond thankful that like George-n-Weezy I am truly moving up in life again and wow, I sure as hell didn't expect for it to happen this much later in my life but then again all the good fortune I've been experiencing in my life for the last month or so is living proof that age truly is nothing but chronological. You're never too old to start a new beginning in your life and regardless of all the gems of wisdom we learn along the way, you truly don't know exactly what is gonna happen around the next corner, you just have to always hope that it's something damn near spectacular and even moreso, that you'e ready for it, whatever it may be. Thank you for reading.

 

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo