I wasn't sure if I was ever gonna write about that day or not but with Fourth of July just around the corner, I think it's an appropriate time to write about my own personal Independence Day. I love it when others share that special day in their lives with me as well because it's more than just a shared experience, it's also a bonding experience as well. The thing I remember foremost about that day was the huge weight of chains that had fallen off my shoulders, like a giant personal wall of bricks, metal and mortar had been dashed to smithereens not from some weapon, not even from sheer human physical force; but, from the inner spirit's desire to live life totally open, totally proud. And duhhhhh, Pride celebrations all over the world are taking place as I write this piece this very moment, so yes, now is indeed the time to tell that story.
But right before we jump into my own personal experience, two things I need to put out on the table right away. First, for those of you who haven't come out, I want to share this with you - the act of coming out was one of the most liberating experiences of my entire existence. No one can tell you when or how is the right way to come out because it's totally a matter of personal choice and personal discretion. For me personally, the year or so before I did come out was so intense emotionally, that I truly could not avoid it. I had spent so much time reading books and articles from the Advocate about how others felt and the experiences they shared not only made me feel less alone but gave me a great deal of inner strength. What was the final, deciding factor for me? Every author of every coming-out story I had ever read from the first couple years of the 1980's put it best in a question that I answered by coming out - why live a lie? It's cliche but it's true - the truth shall set you free. And I will never be able to fully describe via the written English language how indescribable and immeasurable the sense of freedom I felt when I came out. Second, in case you didn't already know, this one will probaly be a two-parter guys.....
It was June 13, 1982, I was 16 years old and had finished my junior year of high school in the Midwest. I'm pretty sure that school had let out June 10th of that year and like most teenagers, it was so friggin nice to not have to get up at 5:30 a.m. that morning to get ready to catch the bus by 6:15 a.m.! Thank God that personal hell would be over with till the first week of September. Since we had an actual house at that time, no more living on military bases, I spent the entire day doing nothing at all, well, that is, in adult eyes. In teenager eyes I was having a great day - watching HBO off-n-on between laps in the swimming pool out back. Oh to be that young again. Laying by the pool, Madonna and Dead-Or-Alive blaring on the radio, nice ice cold Coca-Cola in hand and a cigarette hanging outta my mouth - life just couldn't get better than that, ya know?
As I was laying by the pool and soaking up some rays, around 2 in the afternoon, I rolled over and laid on my stomach and stared into the blades of grass next to me (back then I didnt even know who the hell Walt Whitman was, I swear - being blonde I just thought "Wasn't he Russell Stover's rival in the candy business?) as the sun beat down on my backside, and I started to think of how so many of the kids I knew, as well as myself, always thought that the adults around us were always ragging on us about not being "mature and responsible enough, especially when it comes to your own actions!" And, the lightbulb turned on. If you don't know me as person well enough by now, then you need to know that I rarely back down from a challenge - and my teenager years were definitely no exception that rule. I had made my decision, I would come out to my parents and my two sisters that evening, I just could not wait, it had to be then-n-there and it had to be my Independence Day.
Before I go any further with my story, let me just say this - please, for any of you who have not yet come out, I beg of you, never do it at the dinner table in the middle of dinner!!! Looking back, I wish I woulda waited till AFTER the meal, but I was just so bound and determined that evening.
We sat down to dinner and like I said, I shoulda waited justa tiny bit longer; but, as an impatient teenager the minutes counted as hours and I just could not wait any longer. The meal was a family favorite - my Dad's homeade spaghetti-n-meatballs, with homade garlic bread and a wonderful tossed salad too - hmmm, good eats for a carbohydrate-burning machine such as I was back then. My Mom was asking how everyone's day was and when it came to my turn, I said "Uhm, I don't know how to tell you all this but I've been doing a lot of thinking and a great deal of soulsearching and I need to tell you all something" - less than a nano-second after I said that, all gorging of food (yeah, the food was really that good!) stopped and everyone turned and looked at me, and my Dad said "What is it?" I took one deep breath and then let it all out (actually I had rehearsed some of it the week prior) "I just wanted to let you all know that I am gay. I'm still the person I've always been, it's just that my sexual orientation is a bit different from the rest of you. I love you all as my family and I hope you will still love me, as well as accept me." What happened next I was not only shocked at, at the time, but it also made me giggle a bit - that must be an anxiety release mechanism with me, ya know?
Almost instantly, everyone reacted to my statement like a stack of dominoes falling around the dining room table! My Dad coughed on his food and turned and looked at both my Mom and I and said "Oh Jesus Christ you sick sonnuvabitch, I knew you were your Mother's child and not mine!" to which my Mom said nothing, notta single fucken word, she just smiled as if it was some kind of sick joke and went back to eating, whereas my Dad left the dining room table to go toss his cookies in the bathroom. My older sister simply said "Thanks for letting us all know this but I figured it out about a year or two before you did Honey!" It may not have been full-wide acceptance at that point in time but for the moment her reaction was good enough for me, plus it did make me laugh and I thought to myself "And all these years I thought she was just some nasty bitch I was unfortunate enough to be related to. Gotta rethink that...." As for my little sister, she actually started flipping out and crying and left the table to go toss her cookies in the other bathroom. After all the commotion had dissipated I turned and said "Ya know Mom, I didn't say this to upset anyone, it's how I feel and I don't wanna pretend to be someone I'm not." And she turned and said to me "Well Honey are you absolutely sure about this, totally sure? You sure you don't need to get some counseling for this?" And I said to her "Mother, it's who and what I am, it is not a form of mental illness" to which she said "Well I still think we need to get you some counseling for this, maybe even get you to talk to the Pastor" and my Mom, knowing how I felt about organized religion backed off a bit. So I said to her " Why can't you just love me and accept me for not only who I am, but for being honest about it?" After I said that, I got up from the table as everyone else was re-entering the dining room, wiping their tears - what the hell was all the crying about? It's not like I said "I've decided to become a mass murderer" - and looked at them all in their faces and said point blank "I'm not the one who is sick here, you all need to get some goddamn counseling, not me" (yes, even back then I had horrible trenchmouth) I was beyond pissed off so I got on my bike and rode 2 and a half miles down the road and went to the only place I ever knew true acceptance - my grandparent's house.
In spite of all that happened that evening, looking back 28 years, I still do not regret coming out when I did. My viewpoint now is the same it was then regarding that subject - just do it and get it over with, that way there are no lies, no awkward situations, and all the facts are up on the table. Maybe I do owe a lot to being an impatient teenager because it certainly changed my life for the better. I remember the following year when I went to visit my aunt in California for the very 1st time, she would tell me how proud she was of me for being such an honest person and that "you should never ever hide your light from the world, do you hear me? To thine ownself always be true dear boy, always." I remember hugging her and telling her how much I loved her and how bad I wanted to get away from the Midwest. She use to say "Don't worry, you'll get away from there, I know you will." And as we all know, I most certainly did.
Thank you for reading everyone. I plan to do a follow-up to this piece either later this evening or sometime tomorrow morning, it all depends on how my neck holds up.
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