When I think of the word "friend", so many different thoughts and images come to mind, but one that always is at the top of the list is one of my most favorite films of all time, "Fried Green Tomatoes" because this film is not only a story about friends, it's actually a definition of that term. A friend, a real friend, a true friend, is someone who sticks by your side and never leaves you, be it "through thick-or-thin" as they say, or "come hell or high water" - you get the point. But over the years I have noticed, both in my own life as well as in the lives of those people whom I consider friends, these friends of ours are more and more becoming family, and going way above and beyond the definition of the word friend, or at least the definition I learned while growning up.
Families are suppose to be people to whom who you are related to via blood/biological ties, but also the one group of people that you can always count on, who will stand beside you throughout your entire life with open arms and unconditional love, no strings attached whatsoever. I do believe that such families do exist and for those of you who do have such a family, you are truly blessed. However, in my own case, I've never had a family like that. Oh sure, there is my grandma and a few cousins scattered throughout America who are truly there for me, but this concept of having parents and siblings with a touch of that pseudo-Brady-Bunch feel to it? Realistically speaking, I know that is not the case in my own life.
My immediate family, which nowadays consists of a remarried parent and siblings, is, simply put - too involved with their organized religion to give a rat's ass about me - and no, that's not a complaint, that is the truth. In their eyes I exist only in memories of when I was younger, I'm already physically (as well as spiritually, naturally) dead in their eyes for as I have mentioned in previous posts, I'm an abomination, remember? Believe it or not, I actually laugh whenever I see that word cause when I was growing up one of my friend's parents jokinly said to one of their kids "Stop being an A-word."(without saying the actual word) I automatically thought "You mean you're an abomination too??" I didnt even realize they meant "asshole" till I found out a coupla days later; and, all that time I thought "Oh good, I'm not the only one!"
Whenever one of us members of the LGBT community starts talking about family problems and the journey we went (or in some cases are still on) through regarding our sexuality, people almost always automatically think "Oh let's exchange therapy stories" which is fine-n-dandy, but I really don't have that type of story to share. Like with any situation under the sun, if you have a problem with someone or a certain group of people, you simply need to communicate with those individuals to either resolve and/or make a compromise with them; however, in those somewhat rare circumstances, IF no positive repoire can be mutually agreed upon, then you have two choices - you either put up with all the bullshit for the rest of your life OR you turn and walk away.
With my immediate family, the answer was crystal clear - I turned and walked away. I truly did try to make things work but I realized rather quickly that there is no way on earth that I, nor any other person for that matter, could compromise their sexual orientation. It's not like you can say (though there are many who actually do attempt to do this) "Okay when I am with you guys I will not be gay, I will drink a 6-pack of Bud Lights, discuss how much I love the Bible and re-arrange my crotch every time I see a gal in a string bikini prounce across the tv screen, how's that for a compromise y'all?" That's not anymore realistic to expect than if the shoe were on the other foot - "But when y'all come to see me you can only drink Tuscan Moon Chianti - 2006, discuss what is your favorite Kylie Minogue song and why, and yell "Oh Mary!" every time we see a player's basket jiggle during the World Cup games, okay, how does that sound Hon??"
This piece isn't suppose to be about how I've risen above all the personal family bullshit in my life to succeed with my life (though it most certainly could be a runner-up for that kinda story, couldnt it?), it's to deliver a message to all of you out there reading this this very moment. You may already know it - people do NOT have to be blood-related to be your family. Please, don't ever forget that, always keep that one single factoid close to your heart, always. Of all the truths I have shared or attempted to message in these entries, this is one of the Top 10 to remember. My leg surgery this past month is a prime illustration of this - did you know that my own mother didn't call me, throughout the entire process, not even once? Nor my sisters? The only people that were even the least bit concerned about my welfare and well-being were my grandma, a few of my cousins and a whole lotta folks on my Facebook friends list. Hey, that's good enough for me, I am tickled every color of the rainbow by that, and am truly a blessed individual. Here's the lesson - when the people who care about you the most, not just through a leg surgery, but through every day of your existence, through rain-or-shine are people who aren't even biologically related to you, guess what? Those people are not only your true family, those people are the definition of what is a family.
And, up until the time of my most recent leg surgery this past month, did you know that I have gone through almost everything similiar to that alone? No shit. Oh I have many friends, the majority of them scattered around the world, dont get me wrong; but, no one realizes what it's like to be laying in a hospital bed watching everyone around you have visitors, receive Get-Well cards, even flowers, until it actually happens to them. Well it's happened to me, more than once, and if you want to talk about what being alone or extremely lonely is all about, go through that. I'm serious. You hear so many people today saying "Oh I'm so alone, I need to go do this-n-that"; but, when you're confined to a hospital bed there isn't a damn thing you can do about it except keep your chin up and realize that it's not gonna last forever. And as corny as this may sound to some of you, you know what kept me company during that last hospital stay? Every single good-wish message that came from my Facebook friends that was relayed to me via my cousin in Seattle. Like I said, from my own mother, nothing - from about 20 to 25 of you out there? Priceless.
If there are any of you out there right now experiencing any kind of difficulties with your friends, or those people whom you consider the closest to you, I want you to promise yourselves and I something, okay? Please, communicate with those people and work together as a team to resolve your differences. The reason I am making this request is because you just might be surprised someday by who is there holding your hand (both figuratively and literally) when you need it to be held the most.
When I look back on the adventures of Ruth and Idgy in "Fried Green Tomatoes," those two characters were there for each other through every phase of their lives - birth, various renewals of life, death, even a murder trial - and always with their friendship intact from beginning to end. We always hear that life is all about taking chances and that it's always constantly changing, and even though that is the way it is, you always hear someone pissin-n-moanin and saying "Why can't things just stay the same?" Even I too have been known to say that from time to time, I think we all have; but, I think what can make all the difference in the world is knowing that whatever happens to you in your life, those who care about you will be there for you, to rally around you and believe in you, as any true friend would. But when the dust from whatever life situation is settled, and the world is calm, you may look over at the person standing next to you and say to yourself "They're still here." And, that is who you call family. Thank you for reading.
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