One of the greatest things about a wishlist is that the wishes on them can be as realistic or unrealistic as you damn well please them to be, or they can be a combination of both. Usually when folks think of a wishlist they automatically assume that you are making a list of gift items that you'd love to get for Christmas or for any other occassion; however, this is not that type of wishlist. This particular wishlist is a list of things that I'd like to wish for the world, for my friends and for myself. Albeit, I already know that some of them may be down-to-earth, way-up-above-the-clouds or perhaps a mixture of both, but since they do come from the bottom of my heart-n-soul, I personally think that's what matters most. In addition, I not only wish these things for Christmas, but for the New Year and beyond because no matter whenever a person makes a wish that comes from the heart, it's something that is real, something that can even be eternal. Damn, now I'm beginning to sound like Jane Seymour for Kay Jewelers!
My 1st wish is, naturally, the total and permanent eradication of AIDS, followed by every other disease on this planet. This year, and every year, I have a lot to be thankful for, especially the fact that I am still alive. There isn't any greater gift than that, the gift of life and Heaven knows I thank my lucky stars for that one. No matter how many ups-n-downs I've personally experienced, I know it could always be worse, so I am thankful for what I have. But I want more. I dont wanna live like this anymore, never being able to plan too far into the future because as much as I know how important it is to take it one day atta time and live life to the fullest each day, there's always that lurking "What if this-or-that happens?" in the back of mind. Dont be mistaken, we long-term survivors of Hiv arent the only ones who think that way, ask anyone else dealing with a major chronic and/or fatal disease (Cancer survivors especially know what I am talking about and I'm not saying that because I happen to be one of those too) and they will tell you the same exact thing. Even with all the medical experiences I've had over the years, yes, I have still been able to do everything I've ever wanted to do with my life, I have still been able to accomlish all the things I would've accomplished had I been Hiv- all these years. Except for one.
I've always wanted my own kid. Okay, maybe 2 or 3, but still, just one woulda been so great. Oh I know, there are a ton of Hiv+ parents out there and they are doing just fine (much love to each and every one of them and their families this holiday season and beyond) but with being a single person and with my medical track record, there is no fucken way in Hell I could do that to a child - bring them into this world, only to run the extremely high risk of having to say good-bye to him/her due to one-of-a-zillion medical scenarioes that could go severely awry. No way. No way would I put the life and well-being of a child in the way of something as probable as that. Children, for the most part, need a parent(s) who is in good health and who will always be there for them come hell-or-high-water. If things change somewhere down the road then I'll always be open to becoming a parent but until any of that happens, I shall have to keep that on the backburner for now. So yeah, basically I wanna cure for AIDS not just because I'm sick of being Hiv+ (no pun intended) but because I wanna chance at being something I've wanted to be all my life - a parent.
My 2nd wish is that I want that terribly horrible war-crap in Afghanistan, as well as the pressure-points in the MiddleEast, Northern Korea and the world over, to end. Now I do realize that the USA and its allies are fighting this war as a means to diffuse the situation from getting worse but guess what? It's not getting any better. Personally, I think it's time to call it quitz, get all of our armed forces back home, throw a gigantic party for all the proud women and men who risked their lives for this country, as well as pay a special homage to all those fallen, and simply forget about it. Let those bastards over there slit their own throats, ya know? Maybe, just maybe if America and her buddies would back out of that atrocious mess and allow those countries over there to just literally exterminate themselves, maybe the world would be a better place and not only that, think of all the money that would be saved. Think of all the money that could be used for finding cures to diseases, food, clothing and shelter for the homeless, taking better care of the elderly and so much more. Hey, no bitching about this either you political aficiandos out there - it's a wish, remember? So it can be anything I desire.
My 3rd wish is for my Friends. Aside from my daily wishes of as-gooda-health-as-possible and good fortune for each and every one of them, I want to wish them all great prosperity now and in the near future because there's several of them who have been going through some very borderline-desperate times and I truly worry about each and every one of them. Everyone tells me that I should just be thankful for what I have and not worry about anyone else but I'm not built that way. Besides, anyone who would be as selfish and self-centered as that doesnt deserve to have Friends. For my Friends who are currently going through extremely difficult times at the moment, oh I wish there was so much more that I could do for every single one of you but since I can't all I can do is assure you that if you needa Friend for an ear or a shoulder, consider me there. It will get better, we must have Hope because remember, it's when we give up on Hope that everything is truly lost.
My 4th and final wish is somewhat selfish, not because it's soley for myself, but because when you expect someone else to be a certain way, that is very selfish; but, this is just a dream. Dreaming can break your heart but it cant kill you. My wish is to not only find someone special to love and be my life-partner, but for him to tell me things that I only dare daydream about when I'm having a rough day at work, a lonesome moment in my tiny little apartment, or for those times when I have turned in for the night and then find myself awake at 2 or 3 a.m. in the morning, hoping and praying that that inner restlessness would just fly outta me, open up my bedroom window and get the hell away from me. Perhaps this wish is more unrealistic versus any of the others I've listed thus far because who wouldnt want a personal savior these days? Actually, that's not what I really want from a man, but if, just if it were possible, here's the words I'd want to hear from him.....
'You know Spice, you've been working hard bustin your ass all your life, always living from paycheck to paycheck, living in one tiny hole-in-the-wall studio flat after another, having half your things with you and the other half in storage in the friggin Midwest, and always always trying to keep your head barely above water, this time working 2 jobs back-to-back. Well today is your lucky day Kiddo cause all that bullshit is done with. You're coming to live with me and not in an apartment, but inna house. No more working this-n-that job to pay the rent and the bills, you're going back to working just one job. Your nights are gonna be free, for the first time in a very long time, you're gonna be able to breath Kiddo. We're gonna get all your shit outta storage and bring everything you have to one single permanent location. No more moving here-n-there, you're gonna have a real home, a real home where you can breath and live, a real home where you can settle down and grow some mighty fine roots with me and the local community, and most of all, a real home that has a fireplace where you can burn those gypsy shoes you've been living in for the last 20+ years. Here's whatcha gonna do Spice. You're gonna stop motion itself right now. You're gonna breath. You're gonna inhale and exhale slowly, not rapidly. No more rabid-dog-like survival for you ever ever again. Relax. You're finally gonna relax and finally gonna enjoy life for a change. No more worries, just live Spice, just live."
That's what I would want my dream guy to say to me and I know, I too am not gonna ever hold my breath on this one because I'm more than certain that there are a billion or more of my fellow gay brothers out there who most likely dream the same exact dream I do, if not something closely resembling it. Of course, there might even be a few folks out there who might throw in "Make the dream guy rich too Spice, make him filthy rich!" but whether a dream or a reality, I dont needa rich man. I just need someone to love and who will love me back, someone who will treat me with simple respect as I will him; and, I need someone whom I can look over at during the night while he's sleeping and mumble to myself "You're so damn lucky. You finally have the ultimate dream come true. Dont ever lose him Spice, hold onto him for dear life." That's the kinda man I really wish for.
So those are my wishes for Christmas, 2010, for the New Year of 2011 and for beyond. Every year for Christmas, at least since I've been single (and yes, damn, that is a long time! lol) I go out and buy myself something nice as a treat for myself, whether it be a book, a piece of music, whatever, something stricly for me and me only. No, that's not selfish, I think every year, not just at Christmas, we single folks need to treat ourselves to something special because like everyone else out there, we deserve it. We need to remind ourselves that even if there isn't someone special curled up next to us in bed, or sitting across the kitchen table from us while enjoying a nice cup of coffee and some good conversation, that doesnt mean we should love ourselves and foster our self-esteem any less. Loving yourself, yes, that's a wish I didnt list but it is an extremely important wish nonetheless, as well as something I wish for everyone out there. Whatever your Christmas, Chanukah or holiday wishes are this year, I hope every single one of them comes true - and then some! Happy Holidays everyone and as always, thank you for reading.
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