That one single word has so many varied degrees of its meaning that I truly dont know if its even the correct word to use in the title of this piece let alone in the piece itself. Either way, I think absolutions come with the various milestones of our lives, or in the way in which I would like to utilize the term, in regards to things we eventually realize we cannot change no matter what we say or do. Such is something I learned earlier today. I realized that the old addage to never give an old dog (me) a bone (the issue that was once at hand) because it's just notta good idea. Not good in the sense that when I encounter an injustice, I surround its entire circumference with an unquenchable thirst for vindication. In other words, I can be a very stubborn, muleheaded person. Does that make a person bad? No, not really, unless of course innocent people get harmed along the way, then it's wrong. Just my opinion. Then again when the innocent bystanders are also feeding the flames while nonchalantly standing on the sidelines watching the maelstrom, it does make one wonder.
Yes, for the 2nd time this week I will be rehashing a fairly aging subject but not because of newfound angers and/or frustrations, but because I think it would be extremely healthy for myself and those around me to be given final closure to it all. For the most part, I mean, at least for them. As for myself, I can forgive and forge forward but I very rarely ever forget. No, I'm not talking about grudges for I feel those are a waste of time and energy, plus such negativity has no place in my life. But as for a safety precaution against allowing something horrible ever being allowed to repeat itself, I think it's just a good idea to never forget. This piece I am writing at the moment could more or less be classified as an amendment (for lack of a better description) to my previous piece "Like A Kick In The Stomach" because it interconnects directly to it. What has happened between the writing of these two pieces is simply this - this morning I became extremely frustrated by the residual hurt I was still experiencing from the incident which took place a few weeks back in one of the internet groups I belong to and I acted on it by posting my apparent frustrations. This in turn escalated with words and opinions flying amongst myself and several other individuals. No need to rehash the hurts and angers of today, because that's not productive for myself nor anyone else involved in the discussion of the matter. However, the end result was the death knell of one of the groups I belonged to which was very saddening. But what it all should've led to are two things it didnt even touch - some degree of retribution regarding the issue that sparked the entire situation as well as some type of reprimand against the individual who cast the first stone. It's so ironic, after almost 3 weeks of off-n-on dealing with this purely unadultered bullshit, what in the hell did it all really accomplish, ya know?
Let me tell you, there were some lessons learned today on the internet that's for sure. For starters, on the internet, just as in real life, there's always gonna be someone who you not only disagree with, but who just majorly pisses you off by something that flies outta their mouth. It's unavoidable. In other words, yes, there's an asshole in every crowd. Come hell-or-high-water on that you may always depend. Do you go after the person or keep your mouth shut? That all depends totally on what the issue is. I chose to go after the individual in question because of the issue at hand; but, that doesnt mean that you have to do what I did. Feel the situation out and go with your instincts because 9 times outta 10 you are gonna be right on target.
When you believe in something that someone has attacked and made a personal affront towards, and you feel you are standing up for what is right, no matter how many people tell you otherwise, you stand strong and stick to your guns. Like myself, you may be told by those around you "Oh, you're taking it outta context" or "You're overreacting" but if you know for a fact that you are 100% correct in your convictions, then dont you dare for a second back down. Even if you're the only one in a group of many, stand tall as they say because when all is said-n-done at the end of the day, you're the one who has to sleep with your conscience, not those around you. Dont ever attempt to preserve the peace of many by discounting the significance of one because when you do that, you're flirting with disaster major big-time. Always be true to yourself.
Retribution was not obtained in this situation. Sure, I as an Hiv+ individual stood up against some very derogatory, hurtful things that were said about us Hiv'ers as a whole but did it do any good? I like to think it did, but in the long run? No, absolutely not. If anything, I learned that sometimes people have an excruciatingly difficult time telling the difference between an opinion and what can be considered extremely morally offensive behavior. Trust me, that angle alone wowed the living hell out of me - and I think it always will. I know another thing for sure - if I ever hear or see anyone in public insulting any Hiv'er because of our disease, I'm gonna nail their little asses to the sidewalk right then-n-there. There will not be one fucken ounce of what I put up with these past few weeks online regarding this issue ever ever happening to me again. I could give a rat's ass if that's someone else's opinion or not - one does not pass judgement on another because of a disease they have. That's just totally preposterous. I could imagine something like that happening in the early 1980's but in the year 2010? Uh-uh, no more, not to me at least.
Resolve with the individual who started it all. That's probaly the most ironic aspect of this all - he got off scott-free. Literally. He shot off his mouth and literally got away with it. Some of the people I know would actually egg me on and say "Go get 'em Spice!" but I choose to not do that for two main reasons. First, what is my verbally accosting him going to accomplish? It's not gonna change his past actions, its not gonna undo any of the damage that's already been done. I know, because I've already talked to him. Second, why should I waste anymore precious time and energy on that individual when the people who shoulda brought justice to the situation chose not to? I've already spent enough time and energy standing up for what is right and if others did not see that, well then, damn them all to hell because there's only so much one person can do.
I guess the power of the written word is a power that too many people underestimate nowadays, yet another lesson learned. Hey, I'm pretty outspoken myself but I think we all need to realize that sometimes what we write and share with others has a trickle-down effect that we all need to be made aware of. Its virtually identical to that old addage of thinking carefully before you open your mouth. Heck, even like that old saying from WW II, "Loose Lips Sink Ships." You get the picture. I'm sure alotta the stuff I have written over time has offended folks here-n-there but one thing is for certain - if you tell me about something I've said that has offended you in any way, shape or form, chances are 99 to 100 that I am either gonna apologize and/or make amendz with you. That's easy to understand, it's one of the golden rules I try my hardest to live by - people are NOT for hurting. Nor are animals either but you should already know that by now.
Yeah, there was more than one absolution or lesson learned by me personally throughout this all. God forbid if I ever run into a person or group of people who is knocking Hiv'ers the first thing I am gonna do is say "Excuse me? What did you just say?" The second thing I'm gonna do is tell them to piss-off and then walk away. When it comes to standing up for what is right, I'll do it a few times in a row and then that is it. Cause otherwise it's simply too emotionally/mentally draining. It was a shame, a downright filthy shame that I literally had to explain my actions to people on 15 to 17 different occassions and each time I thought to myself "Where the fuck do these people come from???" It's simple guys. I'm Hiv+. Chances are that if you're shooting your mouth off about how or why I got this disease, I'm most likely gonna reem you an entirely brand- new asshole before the night is out. In fact, I think that's a pretty safe bet. Oh, and when you say you're my friend, even though you didnt stand by me when the going got tough? No, I wont hate you, I wont disregard you, I'll do my best to still accept you but I'll always cry deep inside whenever I come into contact with you because I know if you had been in the same exact shoes I was in, you woulda wanted me to stand beside you too. That's probaly the thing that hurt the most throughout all of this, second only to the Hiv'er angle.
Groups. Oh I'll stick with the two groups I am still a member of but no more after this. Groups are actually evil when you think about it. I mean, it's like they allow a certain number of people to get together and say whatever they want about anyone or anything, things that you would very rarely read in open newsfeed and for what? You cannot tell me in any given group at any given time that 1 or 2 people per 10 to 15 members isnt gonna get majorly hocked off at by what someone else says. It's virtually impossible. Therefore, in a way it's almost totally mute in point for me to remain in either of the groups I belong to. In the one group, where the residue of today may still rest, I'm certain I've already been branded a troublemaker or "too sensitive" so that discounts me in that one. As for the other group, designed especially for us Hiv'ers and those with AIDS, I'm considered "inconsequential" because of my anonymity, so that puts me off the Top 10 List in that one too! Actually when you think about it, it's kinda funny yet sad in a way - the non-Hiv'er groups dont know how to deal with me and the Hiv'er groups, whose strict standards I could never meet, at least not in their eyes, dont wanna deal with me! So basically, we're talking about me being pretty damn near screwed in either scenario! Oh well, that's just the way of it sometimes. Whatcha gonna do, ya know?
I dont wanna talk about this stuff anymore. Aint wasting no more time nor energy on it. If any of you out there gleam any degree of wisdom from this piece, please let it be this - if you dont meet the criteria of any group that you're invited to join, or if you're expected to be a part of a group where only certain factions are respected and/or revered, here's what you do - you tell them "Thanks but no thanks!" Because let's face it, being in a true group is being with others who are like-minded like yourself, as well as providing an atmosphere of moral support and commaraderie. If either of those things are not going to be positive, but rather negative in nature, why in the hell would you ever even think of associating with individuals like that? Besides, remember what I told you earlier - people are not for hurting. Doesnt matter who or what people are - Hiv+, Hiv-, Lou Gehrig's Disease, Spinal Bifeda, Red, Black, White, Plaid, etc., - everybody deserves to be treated with kindness and compassion, not disrespect and judgement. So stay true to yourself and if you ever have to stand alone, dont worry about it, cause you'll never ever really be by yourself on that one my friend. Thank you for reading.
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