I suppose perhaps when one has too much time on their hands, thinking about things we stumble upon on the internet is not always the most healthiest thing in the world for anyone. Granted, I'm having a wonderful holiday vacation and am throroughly enjoying time spent with my loved ones here. It's not that I really actually do have too much time on my hands because trust me, this time off was long overdue in every sense of the word in regards to my workaholic habits. After all, such ample free-time gives a person time to reflect on this past year's events and time to contemplate plans for the future and therefore is extremely healthy.
However, today, much in the same vein of shock-n-rage in a scene from the film "Mommie Dearest" (1981) in which Joan Crawford (Faye Dunaway) stumbles upon those wire hangars hidden deep within her daughter Christina's (Mara Hobel's) bedroom closet, I stumbled upon something online that extremely startled me. At first I thought to myself "Now now Spice, just calm down, surely you are seeing things, this simply cannot be." But then, when I checked things out further, I went from feeling extremely startled to feeling as if someone had physically kicked me right in the stomach. I'm not kidding, you know that horrible feeling of having all the wind literally knocked out of you? Well, that's what I felt like. I didnt overreact, I naturally calmed myself down and reviewed what I saw and as I'm certain most of you out there can imagine, that feeling of getting kicked in the stomach as well as the after-pangs which occur afterwards are not very nice things to experience. In fact, I wouldnt wish them on anyone. But after I simmered down and collected my composure, the first thought that came into my mind was this "Well, Merry Fucken Christmas to you, HivSpice."
I never ever try to rehash things in this blog unless I feel it is blatantly relevant to the piece I am currently writing at the time. Like everyone out there, yes, I do have times when I get upset, hell, even downright angry, but the anger comes, lasts for a few minutes and then subsides. Once in a very very great blue moon there are both principles and issues that I simply cannot let go of, I'll admit it. Hey, I'm human just like the rest of y'all out there and yeah, it really is that plain-n-simple. So please allow me to share with you, without naming any names out of respect for any and all individuals connected, both directly and indirectly, the matter at hand.
Since it didnt happen all that long ago, do any of you remember the piece I wrote regarding Facebook Groups? Well guess what I found out today? That a handful or more of the people who claim to be my friends are also friends with the individual who caused not only a great personal offense towards me, but towards all Hiv'ers. Yes, my fellow Hiv'ers, did you know that each and every one of us has no one to blame but ourselves for being Hiv+ and/or having AIDS? Did you also know that we are considered "the unlucky ones?" Uh huh. Fancy that. In the year 2010, those of us who are Hiv+ and or have AIDS are expected to accept and respect those who preach such heinous, archaic rubbish and sentiments identical to what those of us who have been around long enough to know better, experienced in the mid-1980's onward. I betcha didnt know that either, did you? But that's suppose to be okay, we Hiv'ers arent expected to react to such purely unadulterated bullshit because when we are confronted with such horriffic statements, guess what? We are merely over-reacting and taking things out of context. Now I dont know about the rest of y'all out there but when anyone comes across such offensive garbage I think it's pretty damn difficult to turn the other way and not have a reaction towards it, dont you? No, allow me to rephrase that - wouldnt you too?
Hey look - and this too is directed towards my fellow Hiv'ers as well as those afflicted with AIDS - we are not strangers to condemnation nor negative, hateful diatribes from society-at-large; but, from people who are supposedly our own fellow GLBTQ brothers and sisters? Sorry Ladies & Gentlemen, that is totally unacceptable behavior. In my book, that is the last and final straw to end all.
Oh but it gets better. Guess what other little holiday surprise was waiting for me during this discovery? Do you recall that special Christmas dedication that I wrote a couple of days/nights ago? Well, wait till you read this. The person who it's dedicated to? Guess what? Yes, you guessed correctly! That person is ALSO friends with that self-proclaimed Guru of Hiv/AIDS Etiquette! Or, as the character of Joan Crawford (Faye Dunaway) also said in that aforementioned scene in "Mommie Dearest" (1981) as she viciously stared at those fucken wire hangars that she held in her hand "Ohhhh.....this is just WONDERFUL!!!!" No, I am not becoming unglued people, I am just literally genuinely mortified over all of this. No shit. Even as I just wrote the last two sentences my chin is still resting on the floor from my mouth dropping it and hitting it. Oh thank God to high Heaven that my cousin and her family are visiting her in-laws tonight and that the roads here in the stix of Michigan are too damn ice-covered and slick for me to hop in their Suburu and go down to the local party store on the corner to getta pack of cigarettes! Livid is the understatement of the century.
Now, allow me to take a step or two back from all of this and put it all into perspective, okay guys? Here's the deal. No shit. Believe it or not, I am not petty like alotta folks here on the internet are. Seriously. I will not do what some people would do in a scenario such as this one. I will not make referendums or demands that my friends drop the Hiv-AIDS Guru and/or any of his cronies from their friends list or anything prepubescent such as that. I wont even leave the groups that these friends of mine as well as the Guru and his friends belong to either. Nope, for right now, no one connected with any of those individuals is gonna hear a peep outta this mouth. Do you wanna know why? It's simple. Because by condoning such inexcusable behavior as they all have condoned, they all will figuratively slit their own throats. Oh yes and I'll tell you why and how. Because it will only be a matter of time before the Hiv/AIDS Guru and his cronies start judging and condemning those alleged friends of mine for something about themselves that he and his like-minded contemporaries dont like. Then when those friends of mine come to me crying and boo-hooing about what's happening guess what I'm gonna do? Treat them the same exact way they treated me. Regard them in the same exact way that they regarded my feelings. I'm gonna tell them exactly what I was told when the situation first took place "Oh, surely you must be over-reacting" and "Oh, you're just taking it all out of context."
Wow, does this hurt. It's not that these alleged friends of mine have backstabbed me or lied to me, but by them turning their heads the other way and pretending what happened did not happen, in the process they not only have railroaded me as an individual, they also are more or less saying to me "Hey, we dont have one ounce of respect for you." If that's the way they feel, fine, but I gotta admit that does make me wonder though - what are they gonna do when someone regards them the way they have regarded me?
And yeah, knowing that that special someone I wrote that Christmas dedication to is also friends with the Hiv/AIDS Guru? Oh my God, yeah, honestly, it slays the hell out of me. I've always cared about the guy so much, have always believed in him - hell, I was even ready to actually say "Enough of HivSpice, I need to be the whole me if I ever wanna have even the remotest possibility of being with a wonderful guy like that." It's funny, and this is really evil of me to say this, but earlier I kept thinking to myself "The next time that sonnuvabitch has a public appearance I hope he has a technical malfunction, then trips and lands flat on his fucken face!" But, in all seriousness, I cant wish that on him because not only do I care about him deeply but I have to be as realistic as is humanly possible when it comes to dealing with matters as volatile as this one - he, for all I know, may not even know who and what he is friends with, nor what the Hiv/AIDS Guru and his cronies even did. I cant be unfair to him, I just cant. Somewhere in my heart the only thing I can do is believe that if he knew what happened he would choose to stand by my side on this one, versus turning the other way like so many others did.
So, there's the full skinny of how and why I felt as if someone had kicked me in the stomach. I have reviewed everything repeatedly, with both my eyes and my mind, as well as my heart. No, this isnt what anyone could classify as "internet drama" of any kind. A personal affront towards every Hiv+ person and every person suffering from AIDS was made. It was wrong. Wrong that it happened and wrong that others attempted to sweep it under the rug. I keep asking myself, "How could they, what the hell were they thinking??" That much of it, the horror and shock of it all, yes, I do admit that I need to let that part go. But the injustice of it? Never. So for now, with the exception of what I have written here this evening, I'll be a good little Spice and be very very quiet. But I will wait, and I will do so patiently because sooner or later the pendulum will swing the other way and as they say in the movies, "Justice will prevail."
Looking back in retrospect, I actually was forewarned about the things I wrote about in this piece. My one friend told me that I should stay away from internet social groups because I'm the type of person who usually gets shafted in such groups because I am simply too real for most people to handle. Well, after I what I found out today, damn, I'd have to say I think she was right. No, I need to admit that she was right. Another friend told me to be extremely careful about writing an anonymous love letter to anyone, that nothing at all may come of it. Well, I'm still holding out on that one because I still do believe (maybe even blindly and foolishly but I pray neither is the case) in the person for whom it was written for. I care about him so deeply though finding out what I did today almost did make me choke up when I saw it. It's funny, some folks over the last seveal months have labeled me a toughie, a wavemaker, and that may be true to a point but I think what I have shared this evening is yet another example of proof that I am a human being like everyone else and I have feelings too. I get hurt too.
I guess what is true in the real world is equally true in the internet world as well. Sometimes your own best friend is yourself. I think this is one of those times. Don't get me wrong, I wont turn my back on my true friends but I also cant turn my back on myself either. And because HivSpice is an extension of myself, like a proud parent dilligently watching over the safety and welfare of their precious child, so must I be the same exact way with HivSpice. Or as any good mother or good father are with any of their children "If you're gonna hurt my Baby, I'm gonna hurt you, really really bad." Yes, indeed, HivSpice and I are the same exact person but by the same token, I think ole' Spice has been through alotta crap the last several months here on the internet. So I think it's time for some reinforcement on his part, I think he's more than earned it. From this day forward (dontcha just love how melodramatic that sounds? I love it! lol) let's just say that Spice and I are gonna be doing some extra-special bonding. After all, if there was a war going on and if you were a parent, would you allow your only child to pick up a weapon and go off to battle? We all already know the answer to that - absolutely not. So if folks wanna raise their hand against HivSpice, that's fine; but, please be gently forewarned - unlike him, I wont bite or slap your hand, I'll fucken break it. Naturally, I mean this all figuratively but I think folks get the picture. Thank you for reading.
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