I know I know, if anyone had told me that I'd be writing in my blog on Christmas Eve I woulda said to them "Are you totally whacked outta your friggin mind!?!?!" But, sometimes truth can be stranger than fiction and I think this is one of those times. Hey, it's Christmas Eve and I most certainly do not expect anyone out there to be interrupting their holidays plans just to read this blog. In fact, that's probaly one of the reasons why I am writing this right now, because while everyone else is celebrating, I need to let my guard down just a little bit more than I usually do in order to write this. Besides, all my relatives are at church - or "that nasty little bastion of organized religion" as I so aptly refer to it as - and I have some time to myself. Some time to breathe. Some time to think. I'm really not sure how this is all gonna go but it actually feels right to put what I wanna say into words. I dont even know if what I am about to say is even going to get through to the individual whom I will be addressing this to but being a giant believer in the magical aspects of Christmas, as well as a sane, rational adult, I'd like to look at it all this way - when you send out something good, something pure, something totally unselfish, to the Universe, it's extremely difficult to imagine that what you hope to receive in return, if anything at all, would be something bad, you know? In other words, this is one of those times when I'm gonna be taking a chance and hoping that what I say will make a positive impact in the life of another. Just this once, for him, for me.
This one single time, it simply has to. I cant imagine the person whom I will be speaking to directly in this piece, or any person for that matter, having any type of a negative reaction toward it. I mean, if the guy was married or involved with someone else (in either case I then wouldnt be writing this to begin with!) I could imagine him feeling uncomfortable to an extent, or perhaps even somewhat embarassed I suppose; but, if he's even a quarter of the real person I believe him to be, he will have some kind of a positive reaction. Or at least one would hope. No, I've thought about this for quite some time now and I must say that when it comes to him, the man whom this goes out to, I will tell him upfront, right now, simply this - I've gone through too much in my life to not say how I feel about you. Too many times in my life, hell, in everyone's lives, we say to ourselves after connecting with another person "Oh, if only I had told him this or that, what if I had told him this or that? Maybe things woulda turned out different. Yes, they woulda turned out totally different." I'll tell you right now, I'm not one of those people who gets into second-guessing life because I know all too well how extremely fast it can flicker by you. And you see, I just cant do that anymore with you, I dont wanna waste valuable-life-time pondering any and all "What If's?" when it comes to you and I. You need to know now exactly how I feel. You need to know now.
Quite awhile back, a very close friend and I hadda conversation regarding my lovelife - more like, the lack thereof! - and I told her there were a few guys out there who caught my attention but no particular prospect at the time of our conversation. We even talked about infautations and things like that and I told her that I suppose I could always write one of those anonymous love-letters that you see or hear about in movie plotlines and the like and see what happens. But she cautioned me and told me something that no one else has ever told me regarding that subject. When you write an anonymous, bubbly, mushy love-letter to someone, naturally because of the anonymous angle they dont know it's you, what good does it accomplish? I thought about it back then, just as I am thinking about it this very moment and I'd have to say, she's right, there probaly isnt any good it can accomplish except for one thing - it does, via the writen word of course, validate the feelings that you have for the other person. However, this is not that type of scenario because the person whom I am writing this to will know it's me because he does read my blog, on quite a regular basis. So, what may or may not end up being something that closely resembles a love-letter to any degree, will definitely be received by the person for whom its intended for.
On that note, now that the groundwork has been laid, allow me to begin. But, just one more thing before I proceed, just one more thing I need to say, one more thing I need to make totally clear to the recipient of this blog entry. I realize that after reading this dedication to you, you may not even be the least bit interested in anything I had to say; BUT, at least I took the time to say it, I gave it my best shot and even after all is said-n-done if you still have no desire to take this further with me, it's okay. It doesnt make you a bad person, it simply means you're a human being and there certainly is nothing wrong with that. At least you will have taken the time to read what I had to say and hopefully somehow respect me for doing so, even if you dont see eye-to-eye with me. Okay, time to bring this Baby in for a landing..........
I know that sometimes when you look at me all you see are all these people fluttering about demanding my attention here-n-there and I gotta admit, there are times when I look at you in the same way but there's something I think you really need to know. While those whirlwinds of activity are enmeshing both of our lives, dont think for one second that I'm not thinking of you, because I am. We could be in a cross-fire hurricane, a thronging mass of thousands of people or perhaps viewing one of the 8th Wonders of the World, and there is no way on this earth that I would ever lose focus on all that is you. It's like one of those extremely rare real-life moments where all this noise-n-clutter is going on all around you and then your eyes meet each others and its like the entire world stops. For those few fleeting moments of that kind of visual contact it truly is like everything is suspended in time and you whisper to yourself "Oh God, please dont ever let this end....let it go on and on...".Yes, that's the type of impact you've had on me ever since we first connected and started communicating with each other.
I wil admit, it's hard sometimes to know how two people feel about each other, even as well as they may communicate with each other, especially when it's not possible to read each others facial expressions and body language. But, when there is that unexplainable, almost spiritual-like connection that exists between two people, it causes you to think to yourself "Wow, this is real, this is not part of my imagination" and it makes you wanna say to the other person "I feel you, I feel you so close." Whether in real life, on the internet, or any other medium, that's called a person's essence and when you pick up on it and begin to sense it, it can be as addictive as any other drug out there. Sure, it can be sensual, it can be erotic, it can be any and everything you feel, but when you discover it you find yourself drawn to it over and over again. Very soon after, you find yourself wanting more, wanting to learn more about the other person, as well as fine-tuning any near-psychic antennae you may have about that person. Obsession? No, most certainly not, it's just that when you find yourself wanting to get to know a person better, sometimes that's all the magic you need.
Sometimes I do wonder what it would be like to hold you in my arms. I think of all the things I'd want to tell you, not just the loving, romantic things that are shared between two people who really rock each other's worlds, but sometimes I imagine holding you and not saying a single damn word. I know, with my mouth, can you believe that? Trust me, it shocks me to even be writing that to you but it's true. I imagine just holding you, and not saying this-or-that to entice and/or capture your heart, but rather holding you close, feeling your chest pressed against mine and feeling your heart beating and simply absorbing the solitude and infinity of sucha moment as that. Whenever I get nervous I tend to laugh - okay, laugh a lot, depending on the situation- and I cant help but laugh this very moment for I wonder to myself "Is he asking himself whether or not I have gone totally loco or what??" Hey, it's very hard to write about such emotions for the first time, especially when one does have to realistically contend with the possibility of flat-out rejection but that is one area of all of this that I refuse to leave to conjecture. With all due respect, I've gotta a very good handle on how I feel about you as well as how to approach things with you - hey, I'm ready to take a chance and get to know you better. The only thing now is that I dont know if you are ready. You've been giving me an awful lotta mixed messages the last couple of months but what to do next, well, I cant decide that for you, only you can make that decision. I can tell you one thing - you know all those hurdles in life that we've mutually experienced? Taking a chance on you and I is alot less threatening and alot less unpredictable than those things because quite frankly, I dont think you'd ever lose on me.
Don't be afraid to take a chance, I mean, c'mon, what does either of us have to lose? What are you so afraid of? Whatever it is, I wanna be there for you to help pull you through cause the only way I would ever in a million years shut the door on you is if you asked me to. If you were to tell me pointblank "Uh, look Sparky, this aint gonna work" then I would accept and respect your feelings; but, I wont know how you feel about anything until you simply take that chance and open up to me. Maybe in that one regard we are different from each other - I throw my heart on the table and say "Let's get to being real Baby" and maybe that frightens you about me the way it has several others. It's okay, I'm not judging you, I just wanna get through to you and then after that happens, if you dont want anything to do with me, fine. But, I feel I deserve the chance, I feel that I am worthy of your time. Trust me, if I didnt, I wouldnt be sitting here writing this to you right now - I'd actually be rummaging through the cupboards looking for those homade Date Pinwheel cookies Aunt Nanette made for Christmas!
I really dont know how else to get through to you, which is perhaps another reason I chose to write to you via my blog. I've been direct, honest, upfront and consistent and if you dont know by now that I do indeed have (or at the least, feel I have) some fairly profound feelings for you, then maybe it really is me, maybe I do have a problem after all! But Sweethaht, ya cant blame a guy for trying. You may think I'm a pretty tough act to follow but I think it's more the other way around. Oh Hell, let' face it, when it comes to personalities as headstrong as your's and mine, it'd be a miracle if there werent some kinda sparks either way. I'd love to say to you this very moment "Can you imagine how unbeatable we'd be if we were together?" But then I immediately think after writing/saying that "But this isnt about the worlds we frequent, it's about us." Then I take it just one more tiny step further and realize that it is you and I that I am talking about. With our honesty, our passion for life, our strength of spirit against all kinds of adversities on the road of life that exist out there, Hell, we really would make a good team. Right now as I write this I just wish I could hold you close to me and whisper in your ear "C'mon, open your heart to me, I wont hurt it, I promise....."
It's funny, figuratively standing naked before you (in the literal sense, oh that's another blog entry unto itself) it's not any easier than when I sit down to write about the variety of topics or subjects which I normally cover. But please know right now that you're more than just the words I write on this computer screen, you're more than just what those words mean. Gee, maybe I should stick to being the hard-assed bastard I occassionally come across in my writing but I cant, not when it comes to you. Its like that giant wall that I've purposely built between HivSpice and the real me starts a-shaking and a-rattlin and acts like it's gonna come tumblin down every single instant that the real me wants to meld with the real you. I know, that's not exactly waxing poetic but I dont know how else to describe it.
It's Christmas Eve and though I am anticipating the quality time that I'll be spending with my Grandma and several of the relatives I actually get along with while here in the Midwest for the holidays, in my heart-n-soul its you that I'm thinking about. I wonder what you're doing this very moment. Are you looking out the window, watching the snowflakes falling and smiling at the blinking Christmas lights, and thinking of me as I am thinking about you? If you could only imagine how much I'd wanna be sitting next to you, holding you in my arms so close to me, looking at the Christmas tree lights as the flickering of the lit candles nearby makes the shadows on the wall dance like they've never danced before; and, telling you how much you mean to me and how much I would like just one chance, just one single chance, to be able to love you. When you actually sit down and take a moment to think about all the shit that goes on in both of our lives, that's not really asking too much is it? It isnt, is it? Then again, I cant make those decisions by myself, you need to make those decisions too, as it should be. So thank you, thank you for finally listening to what I had to say. Selfishly, I'm hoping you'll lean more in my favor but either way, just wanted to let you know, I am very proud and thankful to even be considered your friend. I hope that's something we never lose.
Chrismas-time truly can be a magical time of the year because it's one of those rare times during the year where if anything good, anything great, anything even with the slightest hint of being considered a miracle, can happen, the possibilities are greater than on any other date of the year . Or so we've been told via the stories and legends that are handed down to us over the years. Yeah, I feel very confident and very good about writing what I did tonight because as I mentioned when I first started this piece - everything I have written comes from the heart and there is nothing wrong or negative about. Perhaps on a personal level it could be considered somewhat selfish but I dont think so. Not when you see the beauty and awe of another human being's psyche in front of you and you find yourself so damn entranced by it that you want to learn more about that person and possibly become part of the bigger picture of their life. Maybe I have made a fool of myself this evening, I dunno but one thing I do know is this - I will always stand true to myself and to those who are or become a part of my life. To anyone who may have taken the time to read this entry, a very special Thank-You and Best Wishes for a very Merry Christmas & A Happy New Year to you and all your loved ones. Thank you for reading.
No comments:
Post a Comment