Very late last night in one of the Facebook groups I am a member of, a discussion or thread was begun regarding the issue of the gay male social & sexual mores of the past few decades and naturally, the issue of sexual promiscuity and diseases came up. You guessed it, for some inexplicable reason, several of those who commented on the thread did not include the term Hiv+. However, one of them had the audacity to brag that they were "one of the lucky ones" to survive the extremely sexually indulgent eras immediately before and after the disease was discovered. But it wasnt just the way it was said, it was the undertones that went with it which really upset me. I mean c'mon, you have an openly Hiv+ individual such as myself in a group of people talking about how everyone who is Hiv+ or has AIDS has the disease because they were totally irresponsible, which is indeed the truth in a lotta cases but which we all know is a loada crap in many other cases because there are a million and one reasons as to why and/or how all of us became infected with this horrible disease. But that's not the point either. The bottom line is this - if people are gonna congratulate themselves for being Hiv-, that's great, I am 101% truly happy for them; but, casting judgement on those of us who are Hiv+ and/or have AIDS in the process? That is both inexcusable and intolerable behavior and I refuse to condone it.
So I thought about it some more. Actually, I thought about it a lot. Last night when I went to bed angry, this morning when I woke up angry and all day off-n-on I thought about it and I got more and more angry. Then a few hours ago the anger finally began to subside a bit and I thought to myself "I think I can deal with this now." So after re-reading the aforementioned thread several times throughout the day I came to a very crystal-clear realization - it's not up in my head, I was not imagining it and I was not being irrational regarding the matter, not when I re-read it the 2nd and 3rd times after I first viewed it around 1:30 a.m. yesterday morning, nor the final time I read it several hours ago.
Why I even went as far as to review my own actions and behavior prior to stumbling upon that thread. I'll admit, I have been very exhausted lately, ever since last weekend when I ended up in the hospital for a coupla days due to a secondary infection on my leg. In addition to that, factor in trying to heal while working like some dirty dog all week long. Yeah, I guess I have been through a great deal of physical and mental duress this past week but regardless of those factors, I know what I saw and what I saw was real.
It's funny but I cant decide what angers me more - what was said or the fact that people who call themselves my friends stood by and did nothing about it. Can you believe it? They stood by and did not do one goddamn thing about it. Worse yet, when I went to a few of these friends with my concerns guess what I was told? "Oh, well you're overreacting " or "Oh, well, you took it outta context" or "Well, you have to remember that everyone is entitled to their opinions." On the first count, no, I wasnt. On the second count, no, I know what I saw, I know what I read, it was not a figment of my imagination. On the third count, hey, no one knows that better than I do; however, when opinions are harmful towards others, then something needs to be done about that. But you know what the real kicker was? Being cajoled and told "Well, you need to learn how to control your anger." Control my anger? Waita second here, I'm not the one who offended others with their words, someone else did, not me. A group of non-Hiv'ers feels its their solemn duty to tell an openly Hiv+ person that they are a walking plague-bearer because of this-n-that reason and a person isnt suppose to respond with disgust and rage towards such insensitive, cruel behavior? Funny how those people who are suppose to be my friends provided every possible explanation as to why I was upset, except for the most important one of all - the truth. The truth that I faced but which they refused to acknowledge.
The shock and mortification I personally experienced from this travesty of a human experience is something that I do not think I will ever forget for as long as I live. The extremely hard slap in the face that I received from such words, from the unforgivable patronizing I received versus the justifiable validation I was seeking, was comparable to the day back in 1988 when Jack and I were verbally accosted by that one reporter from the Bay Area Reporter. For over 20 years I lived with the hurt and pain of that day, even though I stood up to that sonnuvabitch and nailed his ass to the wall for what he said to us, I still never forgot it. Well, I'm not gonna suffer like that for something as absurd and ludicrous as what I read around 1:30 a.m. yesterday morning because I simply will not allow it.
But the hurt, how it cut right through to my soul, that's something that I truly and honestly dont know if it will ever subside. Damn, for years I was told by so many of my fellow Hiv'ers "Stick with your own kind, you'd be surprised how brutal the non-Hiv'ers can really be." I told people years ago that that was totally absurd, that we all are in this world together, we're all in the same boat regardless if we have this disease or any disease, that all people basically are good at heart. Well let me tell you, dont be surprised if you find yourself running up against a group of self-righteous hypocrites who claim to be loving, kind human beings yet when they show their true colors, watch out, their masks really do drop with quite a thunderous thud. Be careful, be proud, stand up for yourself and dont take shit from any bastards like that cause if they're really your friends they will stand beside you and say "Hey, that was wrong, we need to do something about this" they wont be complacent and say "It's okay that happened."
Maybe some of this is my own fault. I've always preached about unity for all, that no group should be exclusive but rather inclusive but what do I do? Once again I ended up learning the hard way that brutal awakenings are just that - brutal. But that's just it, I know it's not my fault and if the behavior which I saw demonstrated in that group during the last 24 hours is a prerequisite for membership, then I dont need to be a member.
So if you are asked or invited to be a member of any group on Facebook, or any other internet social network for that matter, check it out first before joining, because just like any other social group out there on the internet, you never know who or what you're gonna run into. I'm serious. Try to be a member of the groups where they all share a common goal or cause. Sure, it's great to be part of a group where the majority of your friends are but keep this in mind - what are you gonna do if a problem arises between friends of your friends and yourself, and you quickly find out who is really being a friend to whom? Trust me guys, it's notta very good feeling, especially when you're telling the truth and folks simply refuse to accept it. Reading that thread was like someone kicking me in the stomach but watching my friends lack of reaction towards it was like all of them laughing at me while I was getting kicked. I wouldnt wish that kinda horrible feeling on anyone. And you wanna know something? It hurts, it still hurts very much.
In closing, I'd like to remind everyone out there that I will not tolerate any form of disrespectful comments or actions taken against anyone who is Hiv+, has AIDS, or has any other disease for that matter. If you want me to be your friend and a part of your life, you have to accept this as one of my conditions. This is non-negotiable. Don't ever expect me to choose a friendship over standing up for what is right because in the long run the latter will always win out. Differences of viewpoints and/or opinions is totally acceptable; but, when those viewpoints and/or opinions openly and flagrantly harm others, then that is unacceptable behavior and I will not tolerate it. That is not allowed in my life and it shouldnt be allowed in yours either. Thank you for reading.
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