Retribution (Part 2) - Sun., June 13, 2010

It doesnt matter who or what you are as a human being, when you die, you have every right in this world to die at Peace. I'm serious, don't you dare ever let anyone tell you anything different. Total and utterly complete Peace and closure towards all the events of your life, both good and not-so-good. They say no one can ever take that away from you; but, I'm here to tell you that "they" are wrong. Just as we have no guarantees that our lives are gonna turn out great, there are no guarantees that our lives are going to end in total peace either.

"Jack" isn't his real name - that is something I will reveal when I personally know the time is right; however, for the prevention of confusion in this blog, I will refer to him as "Jack."

When someone you love is dying, especially when it's someone you originally planned to spend the rest of your life with and grow old with, you become extremely protective over the other person, over their basic human rights and especially towards their wishes during whatever precious time you two have left together. And you know in your heart that you are going to personally do whatever it takes to make sure they are comfortable, to make sure they know how loved they are because although you spend every day watching them getting sicker and weaker, and thinner, you can still make mutual eye contact with them and know that after all is said and done, you'd still conquer the world for them.

My Jack was denied the right to die in Peace because the horrible memories of that meeting haunted him till the day he died. Can anyone even begin to imagine the heartbreak it can (it did) cause to not be able to give the person you loved more than anything in the world their last wish? His right to die in 100% total piece was robbed from him. It was wrong. Nothing I could say or do could change that, all I could do was exactly what I did do - love him unconditionally.

What about my anger and resentment towards what happened? For those times when I get weak in my own life, I look back - once in awhile - and ask myself "What could I have done different? Was there anything humanly possible that I could have done better?" And I remind myself - even with being a very mature near-23 year old, I wasn't much older than a kid and I took on people who were much older and more experienced about life than myself, and I did the best I truly could. And I think it's true - I truly don't know anyone else who could've done a better job than I did in defending and protecting Jack. And the funny thing of it all is that none of it was planned, not even my speech that day - the adrenalin raised, my mouth opened and the words flowed out like manna from Heaven - no shit! All I was back then was a simple young man who happened to fall head-over-heels in love with a guy who blew my world right off the map, I had no idea that things would turn out the way they did.

Nothing I say or do can bring him back, but he will always live in my heart. That reminds me, I've been asked this question several times in the last couple of months so allow me to answer it with a story. In one of "The Golden Girls" episodes, Sophia is a real stinker and pulls a horrible joke on Rose when she receives a ring from her boyfriend Miles. Towards the end of the episode Sophia comes somewhat clean of her horrible prank and when Rose answers a question she more or less states that she thinks her deceased husband would want her to accept the ring because her boyfriend can love her in a way that her deceased husband cant right now. And that's exactly how I feel about Jack. He knows how much I still love him; but, I also know that he would want me to be happy and if that meant meeting someone special again in my life, I think he would be okay with that. I know he would. He was a good, decent man.

Is there anything I want from the world in regards to one of the most traumatic experiences of my lifetime? Not really. Wait. Yeah, there is one thing I would like to request. From this day forward, unconditionally, I want any and everyone who reads this blog to promise both me and themselves that the next time they read a story about this-or-that wonderful organization - regardless if it's in the mainstream press or gay press - that you have the intelligence and common sense to realize that not every story you read is the full story. That's not asking too much from anyone, is it, really?

Do I have any revengeful feelings today? Being venegeful means being hateful, at least in my book, and I dont know about the rest of you but I have no room in my life for hatred, grudges, any of that negative stuff. All I have room for is a good attitude, doing my best to make it through the not-so-good times and living life as fully as I can with the circumstances of my overall life situation. I'm not ever ever going to give up on life or fighting this disease, because I firmly believe that we all are here for a reason. Jack did too.

As for that reporter, the rage that his cruel, heartless affront against both Jack and I caused was something that took me years to get over. For the longest time I wanted to be like Sly Stallone in one of his Commando movies and track him down and rip out his esophoghaus with my bare hands and say to him as he was bleeding to death in front of me "Mind if I use this for a jumprope, Motherfucker???" Yep, that woulda been revenge alright but that would not have brought Jack back. As I said before, the best revenge is to live as happy and as full a life as you possibly can.

And if I ever ran into him today, in the year 2010 and beyond? Hell, to be honest guys, I don't even know if he's alive but that one-in-a-million chance I ever would run into him I think I know what I would say. "Remember what you said to Jack and I the last time you saw us two? Well, he couldn't respond to you then and he can't now. But I did back then and I will again right now" and I would do one of the most severe - yet most symbolic - acts you can do to another human being - I would simply spit on him and walk away. Immature? No, most certainly not - I was there, I lived it.

Now that I have revealed one of the truths of my real life existence, I can tell you right now, there will be some naysayers who will come out against me, or even people who will demonstrate the gall to say "You're making this up!" If after reading everything I have just said, if anyone out there feels that way about me, or even has the slightest nerve to insinuate such a heinous lie I have only this to say - thank God, thank the Universe, thank whatever you believe in that you are implying such unjustifiable slander from beind the safety of a mere computer screen. No one on this entire planet will ever again defame my deceased lover's name, nor mine, ever ever again. I mean it. Cause I'm not some scared, defenseless near-23 year old kid anymore, I've grown up. But I haven't forgotten.

Retribution is a very important word because it's meaning has so many different, varying degrees. This posting is a perfect example of that. Why? Because I've done it - by sitting in front of this computer screen and telling you the reader, whoever and wherever you are, you now not only know the full truth, but you know my truth. I have achieved retribution. And no one on this earth, ever again, will take that away from me. Throw any mud you want because it's just gonna roll off my back and you wanna know why? Because today I have cleansed my soul and guess what? It feels damn near spectacular! So much so that I wish I could share with all of you even a half of an ounce of the sense of the relief I am experiencing this very moment. Consequences and fallout are words meant to scare people and why in Heavens should I be scared? I told the truth - and that my friends, can truly set you free. I'd like to close now...

My name is HivSpice and my deceased lover who died of AIDS in October, 1989, was one of the many trial lawyers who did the best he could and his damnest to make certain that justice was served for the murders of both Harvey Milk and Mayor George Moscone, as well as making certain that Dan White was put into jail. This is his legacy and please make no mistakes, I will honor it and I will defend it, you can depend on that. Thank you for reading.