I'm still not sure I did the right thing about coming out on the Herpes issue in my most recent postings, and maybe that's because I'm still not done dealing with it. My medical team and I have yet to nail down what we are fighting and whether or not our current battleplan against it is gonna be the magic bullet. I may do updates on this from time to time.
Looking back on what I wrote I did have to laugh about admitting that I'm not the most sexually active gay man/Hiv'er on the planet. Over the years people have actually asked me "Are you sure you're gay? You just don't have the same sexual habits of the average gay guy." This may be true but after all these years, I still disagree with the stereotype that all gay men are ravenous, vampire-like creatures with insatiable, sexual appetites. Oh sure, I know for a fact that some of my fellow gay brothers are that way; but, I still think that kinda thing varies from person to person.
And even though I am openminded to meeting new people and dating, I don't believe people should be "easy" and there are A LOT of gay men out there who most emphatically disagree with me on my stance. Most of them have told me "Well, on a first date you can at least give the guy a blowjob." My response to that is "Really? Got news for ya there Sparky, nothing of anyone's body is going anywhere in my body until I know them fairly well." No, I am not a cocktease, nor a player, I'm just doing what I feel comfortable with and I think everyone should have that right. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy deep, meaningful sex just like anyone else does; but, I also have learned over the years that there is more to life than just sex.
One guy I went with on one date several years ago actually became quite belligerent towards me regarding the issue of when or when not to have sex with someone who've just met. I'll never forget his exact words "Jesus Christ! This is not the 1950's and you are not fucken Gidget, so just put out!" I just looked at him, laughed (it's better than screaming), opened my mouth and the first words that came to mind flew out, "Fuck you Sparky" and that was the end of that. I'm sure we all have had first dates that have gone awry but I still think the bottom line is that if you don't feel comfortable doing something with someone you're not sure about, don't do it. It won't be the end of the world, there will always be other opportunities out there.
I'm extremely nervous about my upcoming surgery on the 8th, almost to the point where I just MIGHT have to have at least one cigarette beforehand. I'm doing my best to resist but I just don't know. Last year's surgery was a success and I must keep believing this year's will be too. Just think - for the first time in a over 1 year I will be able to walk normal again like normal people, be able to take walks, do some hiking, exercise on a daily basis - all the normal things that everyone I know gets to do. That's the main purpose of the surgery to begin with.
But then I keep thinking of that damned cancer period of mine and all those crazy, negative thoughts start rushing through my head - what if there are complications? What if I lose a few months of my life all over again? But I have to do this, there's so much to look forward to in the future, ya know? Not just daily activities but I wanna be able to make myself present in some of the Pride events next year, I wanna be able to walk with people - and not with my gimpish right leg either - a nice normal leg, strong and in good shape. I wanna walk with Pride and as corny as it sounds (no one has ever commented on that posting about my jacket, do you think they think it's a joke? Oh well, they can just "fech off!" lol) I wanna be wearing my Spice Jacket when I do - it deserves to be shown proudly in the light of day - and so do I, so do all of us. Thank you for reading.
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