Any experienced sea captain, of any vessel, of any waterway or ocean, will tell you one of the cardinal rules of safety-at-sea is to never, ever expose your broadside to danger. This applies to every vessel afloat thousands of years ago and even to those that have yet to be imagined and built into present and future reality. This is one angle where man-made objects such as ships and human beings actually have something in common.
When I wrote "Retribution" (Parts 1 & 2) I took a giant chance of risking a tremendous backlash from not just you readers but any members of the general public who might stumble upon it and read it. But now, looking back in retrospect, I still know in my heart and soul it was the right thing to do. Carrying that weight around me all these years, and on top of what I most recently went through with my health, it was just too much. We all feel on some level that we are invincible towards the harsh realities of life but not so - I needed to get rid of that baggage and am I ever glad I did.
It's only been several days now, there still could be some kind of backlash but I'm not afraid anymore because the truth has been recorded, it is validated and most of all, I received exactly what I was working towards via the title of the piece - retribution.
My reflections...a couple of readers have graciously messaged me directly and shared with me that the degree of love, as well as protectiveness, that I had/have towards Jack was just astounding, that those feelings of unconditional love really came through in the piece. I am both flattered and honored by such comments and if Jack were here, I think he would feel the same way. But I've also noticed that there is an Achilles Heel on this issue that needs to be addressed.
Yes, I did love that man with my entire heart-n-soul; but, everyone needs to realize that as much as I did (and still do) love him, that doesn't mean that I can't love like that again - I can and hopefully I will. That love that others have complimented me on is something that I can have for the next special guy that enters in my life. No one should make the assumption or mistake that I could never love anyone the way I loved Jack because not only would I never compare anyone to him, but every individual is different - and that truly is why the world is sucha fantastic place to be.
I will not become involved with someone and use Jack as a measuring gauge against another person because when I do fall in love, it's not because of "Let's see, Jack did this and you do that" or "I dont know, that's not the way Jack did it." Not only is that wrong and demeaning towards another individual but that kind of behavior undermines the whole purpose of a relationship - to love and care for someone because of the person they are. I, HivSpice, as well as I, under my real identity (in case you havent figured it out, it's just one person here folks, none of that Joanne Woodward/Sybil crap going on!) will only fall in love with someone because of who they are, and for no other reason than that.
I hope we're all clear on that now! Another reflection...what I went through doesnt make me a better-than-anyone-else person than any other LGBT or Hiv'er, or any human being for that matter, out there. It may make me a better and stronger person based on my own personal pluses/pitfalls as a human being, as well as validates both my existence and the truth of the subject material, but that's all. I'm sure there's many of you out there who have experienced just as traumatic or intense situations, if not worse, in your lives, than I have. I just happen to be one of those people who believes that by talking about it and sharing our experiences with others, we can make a difference in our lives as well as (hopefully) a difference in the lives of others.
Most people I know, both in real life and the internet, know that I am looking or hoping to find someone special again in my life. And though I do try to be careful to not overexplain myself, the bottom line is this - psychologically, yes, I am both 100% fit and totally capable of loving someone else.
As for my protectiveness over Jack, it wasnt just because of what we were going through as a couple, when I state that I am protective over those whom I love and care about, whether it be a life partner, a friend, a family member, I mean it. If someone looks at you a certain way or says something not-so-pleasent to you, will I flip out? Hell no. When I care about anyone, I respect their boundaries and their space; and, I figure - at least in most cases - they are old enough and mature enough to handle their own situations and/or battles on their own. But, unless I'm told specifically not to, if I'm hanging out with you and someone comes along and causes you an unmeditated personal attack, chances are I'm probaly gonna open my mouth, just so you know! I lived in so many different places across the country while growing up that you had to develop a tough shell if you wanted to survive; and, I guess that's what I did. As always, thank you for reading.
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