Relationships: Hiv+ versus Hiv- Tuesday, June 1, 2010

I have been wanting to write a specific essay on this subject for almost 20 years now, if not longer. But the ironic thing about it is that after 20 years, it has changed so much. When I first found out I was HIV+ back in 1989 the rule of thumb when it came to relationships was that Hiv'er sticks with Hiv'er because it's "easier" or "a fellow Hiv'er understands exactly what you're going through, a non-Hiv'er cant even fathom it." On the former - no relationship, at least not the long-term ones - is easy - it requires a lot of devotion and commitment as well as hard work. In regards to the latter there may be some truth to that statement but I just have one question about all of this - whatever happened to falling in love with another person because of who they are and not because of what disease they do or don't have?

For years I have heard so many people, Hiv'er and non-Hiv'er alike, say "Oh, well you dont wanna become involved with someone who doesn't have it cause you'll die before them." Who in fuck's name created that kinda warped logic?? That is such purely, unadulterated bullshit! Oh my God, an Hiv'er such as myself could become involved with the most wonderful guy in the world, even get married, and then on the way home from City Hall the guy could get hit by a friggin bus! Yeah, just like that. Death and dying is something that is not one-sided, it can and does happen to all of us at some point in our lives, it's a definite guarantee.

True, yes, being with a fellow Hiv'er does relieve some of the personal stigma we Hiv'ers experience; and, I am not telling anyone who to date - all I'm saying is that when you take and alienate an entire segment of the dating population based strictly on their medical conditions (or lack thereof) you are feeding and creating the same exact stigma that all of us have fought so hard to destroy all these years.

In the last two decades I have seen things change and I must say, it's about time people. I have seen many Hiv'ers become involved with non-Hiv'ers and guess what? The medical issues or again, lack thereof, had NOTHING to do with whether the relationship fared well or not. Those relationships worked because the two people involved cared about each other, loved each other, stuck through the good and not-so-good and so on and so on. Yeah, it's pretty clear that common sense still goes a long way when it comes to this interpersonal stuff.

Take a moment and think about it. I'm serious. For those of us who are single, regardless if you're HIV+ or not, why on God's green earth (or whatever your religious beliefs are, doesn't matter) would you intentionally cut your chances in half (if not more) on finding that one special person who really rocks your world, just because of a medical condition or lack thereof? Why anyone would think or even behave with such rationale is not only imbecillic, but it's lower than prepubescent gibberish. I mean it.

Two guys - or two gals, or a guy and gal, or hell, 2 marshmellows - meet, spend some time with each other and start to fall in love. Then all of a sudden, one night as they're enjoying a nice night of dancing or going to see a show, they are driving home and the one person turns to the other and says "Uhm, Honey? I have pancreatic cancer and since you don't...uhm...we're through!" Now how fucked up is that? Hello? HELLO??? It's like "WTF Batman, WTF???"

Let me tell you something. When you love someone, it doesn't matter what the hell you're going through or what they're going through. Love doesn't have all these fucked-up rules and idiosycrasies - it's people who create those kinds of things. Love is hard? Love is cruel? No, it depends on what people do with it once they find it that makes it those ways. Love is the firm yet gentle caress of a hand, that first "Good-Morning-So-Happy-You-Are-Here!!!" kiss of the morning, the lending of a shoulder when your workday was lousy, and yes, Love is even when you're eyes are rolling up in the back of your head for over 5 minutes non-stop, as you think to yourself "Are we even suppose to be experiencing something like this?? Have Mercy!!!"
I'll admit, I'm no Dr. Ruth when it comes to relationshis and sex, but damn, it's no wonder that so many people have such a hard time finding that one person who will change their life forever, and when we let it, usually for the better. I know it's not easy out there, I live it every day but damn, is it really gonna hurt any of us to try and keep both our minds and our hearts just a little bit more open? I don't think so.

The secret(s) to maintaining a healthy, successful relationship? If I get going on this subject I will be straying away from my original subject matter; and, I don't wanna do that because I do not want to detract my focus point because again, it's been on my mind for over 20 years. Yes, there are keys to making it all work - mutual respect, 100% open communication at all times, knowing when to compromise, and the list goes on and on but here's the best advice I would like to take the liberty of offering - do what works for you two, you two make the decisions, no one else, it's whatever you two want it to be. From my personal experience? This is what has always worked for me - IF you can make your partner feel like they are the most important person in the world at the end of the day, trust me, you are there.

Like everyone out there, I have had my fair share of relationships that did and didn't work out but I'm just one of those people who loves being in love. I dont know anyone who doesnt and for those of you who say you don't - stop kidding yourselves because you sure as hell aren't kidding the rest of us. There's nothing wrong with wanting that someone who has that special touch. And, when you really think about, it really is love that has kept the world spinning around all these centuries - people will go beyond their own personal limits to secure it and why not? What else is there?

Whew, once again I covered alotta territory this evening. Please, if not for yourself then at least for those around you who care about you - don't close the door on someone just because they aren't or are HIV+, have cancer, have fluorescent pink polka dots all over their cheeks, etc. etc. - give that person a chance and most of all, give yourself a chance. Don't you think you're worthy of it? I sure do. Thanks for reading.