I am laughing profusely as I sit down to write this piece because if you woulda told me that I would be writing about this topic a couple of months back I woulda exclaimed "Are you whacked??" No surprise, but I enjoy deep, meaningful sex just as much as the next person, especially when it's with someone you care about and/or love. Maybe I should switch to reverse and change the title to "Gidget Talks About Sex" for when I'm finished with this entry I am almost certain some folks might just exclaim "Pollyanna!" or "Oh, he's a "Good Girl!" Think what you will, but as much as I think good sex is wonderful, I think sex in general is over-rated.
On that note, this is also the juncture where some of the people I have openly discussed this subject with have actually had the nerve to tell me "Well you aren't a normal gay person at all!" or "Why aren't you promiscious like other gay men??" My response to both that statement and that question is this - I don't think our sexual drives have one goddamn thing to do with our sexual orientation. I think the stereotype that all gay men are sexually promiscious is nothing but a banquet of bullshit. And, I don't think I'm the only person on the planet who realizes that. I may be one of the extreme few who will admit that, but I think it's the truth.
Sure, I've had my fair share of sexual encounters with other gay men but I was never promiscious and you wanna know why? This one might knock some of you off your chairs - because I cannot stand one-night stands! Most gay men - hell, most breathing, walking, living human beings on this planet for that matter - think nothing of it. They get all fancied up, hit the clubs, hook-up with someone, go somewhere and do the humpty dance, then wake up and get dressed and both parties go on their own seperate ways as if they never laid eyes on each other. Oh really? Not me.
Gidget-labelers, get ready. The several (yeah, really) one night stands I have experienced over my lifetime have all been identical in one regard - in every single instance I woke up the next morning not only feeling dirty and cheap, but I coulda sworn "Will You Love Me Tomorrow?" by the Shirelles was playing very low in the background somewhere, every single friggin time. I am a sane, rational, intelligent human being but for some reason, when I have sex with someone it not only taps into my physical energy but my emotional energy as well. My reaction is this - we just spent (whatever amount of time) enjoying each other's bodies and now you wanna throw me away like a stale bag of Doritoes?? Sorry, Homey don't play that way. And I don't.
Don't get me wrong, we are all human, we all have physical needs that we feel we need to fulfill and maybe I will yet encounter another few one-night stands or so in my life; but, I would much rather share my body and my sexual energy with someone whom I care about, especially if there is a genuine possibility that it could lead to something more than just a slam-bam-thank-you-Sir experience. And I don't care how friggin Pollyanna that sounds and you wanna know why? Simple - because I am the one who has to deal with the mixed emotions after you leave, not you. I'm the one who has to wonder "Will he really call?" as I stay up till 2 or 3 a.m. in the morning waiting for the phone to ring and trying to diffuse my tears with a pint of Ben & Jerry's Dublin Mudslide ice cream, not you. And, I'm the one who has to wonder "Couldn't he see beyond what we just did, that there is more to me that just that?" I'm serious about all of this but I can't help but hear some of you in the background exclaiming "Oh Gidget! Get a hold of yourself!!" (figuratively, not literally, sorry! lol).
On the other hand, I also find sex totally hilarious! I'm serious, when I think of all the sounds, exclamations and what-not I have heard over the years and how some people are extremely melodramtic before, during and after intimacy, I just cannot contain my laughter! Where is the "America's Best Home Videos" production staff when you need them?? There are a few examples of this....
Guys who talk dirty to you before and during sex....I'm sure we've all heard the lines before but they are the men who say "Oh yeah Baby, ya know I wanna do this-n-that to your hard, throbbing.....or ....hot, tight,......" and every time I just wanted to say "Why do you feel the need to narrate what you're going to do to my body? Aren't we here together right now, can't you just shut up and do it and let it go???" I mean it's like "WTF Sparky, WTF??" Or the ones who say "You like it when I do this-or-that to your hot.....dont you Baby?" And again, every time I wanted to say "Well yeah, if I didn't I dont think I'd be here right now, do you??" It just amazes me that people lose all sense of common rationality when it comes to moments of intimacy, ya know? I figure, just enjoy it and play it by ear. If I wanted a friggin narrater I woulda sought out Tom Brokaw or Brian Williams years ago!
Guys who make those sex sounds - oh that subject is a hoot! The ones that go really REALLY loud and go "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" or the perenniel announcement "I'M GONNA CUM, I'M GONNA CUM!!! I mean it's like "Well what do you want me to do about that?? Do I call the radio station and let them know, even though I am certain they can hear you from 10 miles away? Shall I Twitter it?? I mean c'mon Sparky, share with me, share with me!" I'll admit, when people are in the midst of a sexual frenzy, sounds and words come twittering out and that's fine but please, does it have to be so melodramatic that even the tv show "48 Hours" wants to investigate too?? I don't know, maybe it's just me.
Guys who are even MORE melodramtic than the above example...once I was with this guy who I met at a club, He was from outta town and was staying at one of the nicer local hotels. As usual, I didnt know if I should do it or not but I was young and thought "Oh well." So we got together and after we were done making out, he stripped and got into the bed and while I was undressing, all of a sudden I heard these "Ohhhhhhh! " sounds and I turned and looked at him and said point blank "But I haven't even gotten my clothes off yet! Are you sure there isn't someone else in the room with us right now? It is kinda dark in here...!" and OMG, he about blew a gasket and asked me to leave! I laughed so hard that night that I almost didnt make it to the bathroom and I thought to myself on the way home "That's justa shame that people have to behave that way, it really is!"
Guys with those PRICELESS facial expressions! My favorite is the guy who looks like he's lifting a refridgerator all by himself in your grandmother's kitchen, you know, face all red, beads of sweat everywhere, bottom teeth baring and his eyes halfway rolled up into the back of his head! Every time I wanted to say "Oh my God, we're just having sex Sweetheart, no one is expecting you to swim the English Channel or climb the friggin Himalayas!!" But they do, they really do, some guys just feel the need to make all kinds of facial expressions and I'm just one of those people who just can't keep a straight face when people do that, I really can't!
Or the ones who purse their lips afterwards and are breathing really REALLY heavily and say "Ohhhhhh" or "Ahhhhhh" afterwards and you just wanna say to them "I'm sorry that you're going through so much physical durress at the moment, may I get you a glass of water, perhaps a bottle of Gatorade?" I mean I've heard of sex being a real physical workout, but c'mon, one doesn't need to pretend they're in a friggin Nike commercial before, during and after. Damn, that too is a shame.
Bottom Line (no pun intended! see what I mean? we blondes can always entertain ourselves!) is this - when it comes to even casual sex with another human being, all I ask, all I desire, all I crave is just one thing - please, just be yourself - okay? That's it. I'm not impressed by various sounds, someone talking dirty to me, outrageous exclamations. If you wanna do that, please, go make a porno film cause those things simply do not impress me.
Oh, one other one....guys who expect a gold medal afterwards....you know, the type who say "Hey Baby, was that good enough for you? Did I do it just right??" to which every time I wanted to say "Well, you're still here, I haven't kicked you out of the bed and chances are I will probaly make you a plate of scrambled eggs in the morning, as well as some rich black coffee, so chances are everything worked out just fine Sparky!"
Make no mistake, I'm not the type of person who is impressed by a person sexually, or how they make love to me, or how well they get me off - all I want to be impressed with is who they are as an individual. It really is that simple and that non-complicated. So many gay men out there think "Oh I gotta do this" or "I gotta do that" - no, no, no, you don't have to do anything, just relax, be yourself and let things happen naturally. Since when does sex, let alone intense foreplay, have to be so planned, so intricate?
One last thing on this subject (at least for now) - communication. Communicate with the other person who you are planning to be intimate with BEFORE intimacy. If more people would do this, I think the majority of us would have more positive sexual experiences versus damning horror stories. And without going into my song-n-dance routine about how important it is for us Hiv'ers and you non-Hiv'ers to disclose any and all STD's we have, let me put it to you all this way - practice safe-sex and protect yourself as if every person on this planet is Hiv+. I mean it. Thank you for reading and remember, if you're gonna play, please play safely, responsibly and maturely, okay? Love, Gidge :)
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