Nobody likes being or feeling sick on a continous basis and I'd have to say, based on my own personal experiences, it's the frustration angle of it that is the worst part of all. Frustration because sometimes it feels like you simply cannot make it back to your own normal speed of doing things, your own daily routine - one of the few things that keeps any of us going. Even more frustration when you cant get over the hump that is knocking you on your ass. That's what I've been going through since this past Friday when I ended up at the ER doubled over in pain from a combination of a major UTI (Urinary Tract Infection) and some crazy strain of the flu. Crazy because like millions of folks out there, I hate having the flu and like millions of folks out there I too got that damn flu shot this past year! I guess it's true, that one single shot does NOT protect you from every single strain of the flu - but I sure as hell wish it did! I'm gonna go ahead right away and assume that others who may be in my current situation wish the same exact thing too.
Whenever you have any type of disease - whether it is considered, major, chronic, life-threatening, you name it - things such as the flu and the common cold can make you feel 10 times worse because in most cases, you already have a compromised or impaired immune system to begin with. Such is the case with being Hiv+. Hell, if you're not careful and take the best precaution of all - taking as best care of yourself as you possibly can - the symptons and side effects of having the flu or common cold within the body of your average Hiv'er seem to be so much more amplified and can wreak hellish havoc in your body like you would not believe. True, for the most part it's simply one of those things which you have no control over it except to deal with it and survive it the best way you possibly can, which is true in any illness/disease scenario, whether it's being Hiv+, having full-blown AIDS, any form of cancer, you name it. However, for those times when no matter what you do you simply get sick and are totally vulnerable in every sense of the word it's not only frightening but it can also be downright unnerving.
What I'm about to say next is NOT intended to be negative or morbid in any manner though I am certain it may very well come across that way to some people, but I intend it only in a logical, rational way, for one's own piece of mind. Regardless of what your situation is right this moment in your life as I write this, regardless if you are fightiing a major disease such as I am or not, for yourself as well as for your loved ones, make certain that you create some form of legalized will/last testament before your lifeclock ticks away any further. No, I'm not saying this because I feel like I am headed towards my deathbed - though if anyone had asked me 2 or 3 evenings ago I mighta commented otherwise! - I'm saying it because it makes good, sound common sense to have all your affairs in order so that you have one (or more) less thing to worry about should you find yourself in some degree of an incompacitated state where you are not capable of making such decisions on your own. Do not under any circumstances allow anyone to take any choices you may have now away from you under such unexpected circumstances. You'll feel a helluva lot more in control if you do something about all of this now versus later when you may not be in a position to do so. I'm not suggesting that everyone stops whatever they are doing at the moment, goes home and starts writing outta will and then run your butts over to your nearest available law firm; but, at least take some time outta of your busy schedule to think about this and perhaps put the wheels in motion as soon as you reasonably can.
Of course, there may be some things that you want to leave behind to others that you cant, some things that you definitely want others to have and perhaps even some things that you dont give two rats-asses about. I think that's true with most of us out there.
Naturally, the greatest thing that any of us human beings can leave behind to others is something that isn't material or physical but it is indeed tangible - it's called Love. Love, good thoughts, the strength for others to go onward with their lives and live as happily and healthily as is humanly possible, no matter what comes their way in their lives. That also is the greatest gift we can give to others while we are still alive, but that should go without saying.
However, there is one thing I wish I could leave behind that is most likely impossible to do so - my unexplained knack for being able to identify and bring to light previously unknown information about ocean liners. I know, I'm laughing my ass off right now too as I reread that sentence as well but only because I simply dont know how else to describe it. I'm not psychic by any means, nor have I ever claimed to be so, but to simply take a handful or two of ocean liner photographs and to be able to describe with pinpoint accuracy a minimum of 3 to 5 aspects regarding each ship - without having very little - if any - previous knowledge of each individual liner - is nothing short of amazing. Why would anyone be blessed with sucha gift? As a human being, I have no idea. As a history-lover, the only logical, legitimate explanation I can come up with is to perhaps keep the memories and histories of such ships alive for future generations. Granted, I certainly dont rank sucha talent right up there with knowing how to operate the Ark of the Covenant or solving the unexplained mysteries of Black Holes, but like with everything else, it has a purpose. Everyone and everything in this world has a purpose, that definitely cannot be denied in any way, shape or form. Be that as it may, I'm thankful for this gift, wherever it came from, for whatever reason I have been blessed with it, for it truly is phenomenal as well as fascinating to say the least.
Speaking of ships, my books. My Ships books. Who indeed will I ever leave them to or for? Not just the rare, valuable ones, such as the history of the Esso Oil Tankers of the 1930's and 1940's, published after WW II and given only to those Merchant Marine personnel who served on those fine ships (I still dont know how my Grandpa got that book, it was never released to the general public, only to those who worked for the Esso Company itself) or the small book written about the Cunard liner FRANCONIA's World Cruises of 1931 and 1933, but ALL of them, all 250-some of them. My favorites too, like "The Only Way To Cross" by John Maxtone-Graham, "Lives of the Liners" by Frank O. Braynard (indespenable for any ship buff's library collection) and of course, "A Night To Remember" by Walter Lord, both the original printing as well as the special hardcover anniversary edition. Even with leaving such things behind (as far as I know you're still not allowed to take anything with you but damn, if we arent allowed to smoke in Heaven, I'm gonna be one very upset puppy! Why would it matter then? After all, we're dead anyways, ya know?) I still ask myself "But who will tell their stories, who will indeed keep the memories of those great ships alive?" I guess that's one of those things where you just have to say to youself "Who cares? I'll be dead anyways" but I can't. They are literally part of my soul, emphatically etched into the very core of it and even after I am gone someday, I'm still gonna work on that one, come Hell or high water - literally!
Hollywood. My beloved Hollywood books consisting of film history books, major and minor film studio books, movie star autobiographies, postcards and so on and so on. Actually, I think this collection is probaly just as vast if not moreso than my ship book collection. I do love and adore the world of films and countless movie stars but I dont talk about them as much as others do, let alone write about them, but that's because there are so many people out there who make statements like "Well it was this way..." or "It was that way..." or "I think this happened because of this.." and all kinds of well-intended theories that I'd rather just keep my mouth shut in order to avoid any heated arguments. Yet almost every single time I come across such claims and statements I start laughing silently to myself because I'm gonna let y'all in on a teeny tiny secret about history that alotta us history buffs rarely share with the world. IF you indeed wanna know what any type of historical experience or historical period was like, guess what is your best and most competent source of information regarding those experiences? The people who were there. Yes, you wanna endless wealth of information? If at all possible, simply talk with the people who were there.
Now for some things that actually make me wish I did have a blood heir. They are quite unique and unusual in their own right and there has to be some practical way to write about them without others thinking I am some kinda.....I got it. The next coupla things I write about are gonna be in a genre of writing that I've rarely attempted doing. Here begins the Fantasy/Fiction portion of this particular entry... My crystal ball has been in my family since 1572. Back in those days crystal balls were made and formed into perfectly round spheres by the glassblowers of that generation with just a very minute indentation where the glassblowing torch was seperated from the sphere itself. However, that only applies to crystal balls that were made to look like every other crystal ball out on the market back in those days. Sometimes the crystal balls were formed in a certain way for a reason. Some were even made to actually look like fake crystal balls, used mainly as a centerpiece on top of a round mahoghany foyer table or for the mantle of a fireplace. Such imposters were made with a small flat surface indentation on their bottom sides, again, that way making them look fake, making them appear as common household chachkies. In addition, one must take into account that in that particular historical time period anyone even suspected of being a witch or a warlock was grounds enough for a death sentence of being burned alive or if one was extra-lucky, just hanging from your local gallows. It's a very beautiful crystal ball, simply gorgeous in every way. It was given to me when I turned 21 and it's been with me ever since. I actually feel honored to be the guardian of this very ancient piece of my family history and quite frankly, I cant imagine ever parting with it but as we all know, we're not allowed to take anything with us when we part from this world. I dont have any blood heirs and following my death my surviving blood relatives will either sell or throw out all of my things anyways- you gotta remember, I'm going to Hell anyways because I'm gay and AIDS is a divine punishment from God. I'm gonna leave the crystal ball to someone extremely special to me, a very close friend of mine. I know that she would greatly appreciate such a gift as well as take extremely good care of it. I dont know why I didnt come to this conclusion earlier. It's actually kinda ironic when I think about it. Although the crystal ball was transported by its guardian from Western Europe to America, that wasnt their direct route, America was not its initial arrival destination; therefore, it's only fitting that the crystal ball's final home will someday be at that very place.
The Seven Books of Moses. No, not the ones the Catholic Church has claimed for centuries are "the Lost Books of Moses" these particular books of Moses are the real McCoy. Remember the Biblical story where Moses was up on that one mountain when God was instructing him to inscribe the Ten Commandments onto those stone tablets? Remember all those divine powers Moses was suppose to have afterwards? Well, let's just say that that day Moses was doing more than recording the Ten Commandments. He was also recording the words and Hebrew incantations God gave him to harness those divine powers. How do you bequeath something as powerful as those books to someone? Very carefully. Perhaps with a note that may very well read "P.S. By the way, IF any modern-day descendents of Hitler's Third Reich, the Vatican or the Jewish World Federation comes looking for them, you just might have to give James Bond a call, pronto!!" In that sense, those books would be more of a curse than a gift. Those who tried to get their claws on them most likely forgot about them after the ATHENIA was torpedoed especially since their guardian's name showed up on the list of those who didnt survive the sinking anyways. These books survived not only the rise and fall of Hitler's Third Reich, but they also escaped the only failed attempt to capture them. As for the Vatican, the majority of their circa 1939 thru WW II hierarchy have long gone to their graves; and, the modern Catholic Church still claims they already have "the Lost Books" in their posession - oh how these major organized religions of the world continue to lie to and mislead their followers. Regarding the Jewish World Federation that existed in 1939, as well as those who survived the Holocaust, the majority of them have since passed away as well. Even now, with as many educated Rabbis as there are currently associated with that particular organization, the Jews too have more than once publicly claimed that such books dont even exist to begin with. So, maybe there really is no threat after all; but, if you were me, would you feel 100% comfortable in entrusting them to someone lightly, without explaining their full and real truth to whomever you left them to?
Whenever I've written about any subject under the Sun, the Moon and the Stars themselves, I've never once claimed to have all the answers. I'll be the first person on this planet to admit that I am not perfect and that I do make mistakes. By the same token, I'll be damned to Hell itself if I'm going to allow those books to fall into the wrong hands just because my earthly life would be ending. Both the generations that came before me and myself made a promise to keep them safe from harm and danger of any and all kinds. Like those who came before me, I do not take promises lightly in any way whatsoever. These books will continue to be protected and preserved now and long after I am gone.
I'm gonna leave the Seven Books of Moses to a friend, a close friend who is like a brother to me. It's funny, we dont share the same spiritual beliefs but I cannot think of anyone better to leave these books to. After all, he doesnt believe in such things, so who better to entrust these books to than someone who doesnt believe in the power they hold within them to begin with? I have the right to be equally concerned with who will take care of them after I'm gone just as much as I have the right to be concerned about whether or not what's inside of them will remain in total peace or abused horribly. I have no reason to believe that my friend would ever ever use them for personal gain or to harm others. That right there is good enough for me. With the exception of myself, nobody else on this planet could keep those books as safe-n-sound as they have been for the last 3 or 4 centuries as both my ancestors and myself have, than the friend I am referring to right now. He is one of the most intelligent, most outspoken and most fiercely passionate people I have ever known in my entire life. If anyone ever wanted to know someone who is deeply committed to standing up for the truth and for justice, without ever deviating one iota from either, he's the one. Without a doubt. The books will be safe with him. Here ends the Fantasy/Fiction portion of this entry.
I'm hoping that by tomorrow at the latest, I will totally feel back to normal, that the achy/nautious reside of the flu will be long behind me and that the remnant discomforts of the UTI will have totally subsided as well. It is my sincere hope that some of the things I have written about in this piece will resonate within others and possibly influence them to consider the suggestion I made about keeping their affairs in order just in case. Another thing I think that needs to be stressed from that angle is that it doesnt matter what illness or disease you have, whether it's being Hiv+, having AIDS, variuous forms of cancer, etc., it's always good to be as prepared as you possibly can be regarding such matters. for none of us truly knows what lays ahead in the future. But in the meantime, let's take the best care possible of ourselves as we can, as well as those around us and truly live life as fully and happily as is humanly possible. Thank you for reading.
Note: I originally wrote this piece on Thursday, February 3rd, 2011 but due to the fact that I've been so sick this past entire week I held off on posting it until this evening, Saturday, February 5, 2011.
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