Yes, it has happened. I would say it has actually or finally happened but I think it sorta did happen sometime last year when I had that incident at my local Walgreen's with that very sweet elderly lady who like myself was waiting in line for some prescriptions, whose grandson also happened to be Hiv+. Based on the most recent incident that took place today while at lunch with a few of my co-workers, I know for a fact that it indeed did actually happen today - somehow, someone matched up HivSpice with my real identity online and presto! Talk about feeling like Clark Kent accidentally leaving his Superman cape sticking outta the collar of his business suit or Diana Prince forgetting to nonchalantly put away Wonder Woman's golden lasso prior to a meeting with Steve Trevor and General Blankenship at the U.S. State Department, and that's EXACTLY how I felt today during and after lunch! I really shouldnt be surprised in the least but that's not too easy to say when you find yourself in such a unique scenario as I was in earlier this afternoon. Perhaps in a way I naturally shoulda expected it to happen. After all, my Facebook Friends List, as well as those of the few hundred friends who are on my list, and their friends, and their friends-of-friends, and so on, that are visible on my wall and other people's walls could very well lead to some very innocent cross-referencing by others and then before you know it, someone is messaging to someone else "I just figured out who HivSpice really is..." Plus, the little experiment I did on New Year's Eve regarding my real identity probaly didnt help matters either. Regardless of the reasoning, what happened today during lunch was quite eye-opening and mouth-dropping - to say the least.
I dont always go out for lunch/supper while at either of my jobs. On my 1st job, I usually pack a nutritious, high-protein (helps with the Type II Diabetes) meal, usually a sandwich, a piece of fresh fruit and then either yogurt or some cottage cheese mixed with canned fruit (peaches or pineapple are my personal favorites); on my 2nd job, sometimes leftovers from my weekend meals but usually some kinda freezer meal that I can pop into the microwave or whatever the 2nd-shift personnel may order in. But today, a few of my co-supervisors and home health aides whom I supervise suggested we treat ourselves to a pre-Valentine's Day meal so I thought to myself "Oh what the hell, why not?" So off we went to the local Applebee's in the Brighton-Allston area of town. For those of you who are not familiar with the Boston area, the Brighton-Allston areas of Boston are not only 2 of the oldest existing neighborhoods in Beantown history, but that area is also home to the infamous Boston University, which by the way is kinda neat place to walk around when you're bored on a Saturday afternoon and have nothing else to do.
Anywho, so the four of us naturally waited in line to get seated at the place and upon being seated and viewing our menu's, I noticed a coupla of the waiters that were standing at one of the meal orders computer station were whispering kinda loudly. I say loudly because there is always so much background noise in any busy restaurant, especially during the noontime rush-hour period. They probaly thought no one was paying attention to what they were saying; but, I certainly was. Jeepers Creepers Batman, thank gawd I was! Trust me, after you start reading their exchanges and perhaps begin muttering to yourselves "Mannnnnn, I betcha Spice felt like crapping his pants!" that would be the biggest, truuest understatement here in the early months of the New Year of 2011! Here it is.....
Waiter #1:" Hey, see that guy over there? I think THAT's HivSpice".....Waiter #2: "Dude, you're fucking ripped! That aint no fucken HivSpice, the dude dont even have a pic online." Waiter #1: "He sure as hell does, his real name is...." And then he told the other waiter my real name and the other waiter then said "Aight, hold on, brb..." So Waiter #2 disappeared into the men's bathroom with his cell-phone (I saw him pulling it outta his back pocket as he was walking into the bathroom). About 10 minutes passed by and while I am suspiciously watching outta the corner of my eye and waiting for the bathroom door to swing open and Waiter #2 to emerge, our food arrives. Speaking of which, I highly recommend Applebee's Club Sandwich for lunch, accompanied by the WildBerry Lemonade, both are extremely righteous to the palate if I may say so myself.
Finally, Waiter #2 comes outta the bathroom, heads over to the order station - all the while acting like he doesnt see me nearby - and waits for Waiter #1 to show up. Then - get this - yet ANOTHER waiter shows up(!) - naturally we'll call him #3 - and another round of loud whispering takes place - Waiter #3 to Waiter #2 - "Hey Dude, so where is this Spice-stud??" to which I instantly thought to myself "Holy Fucken Shit!!! I cant believe this is happening to me!!! I FINALLY feel better and now I have to gear up for a mini-nervous-breakdown!!" Plus on top of the mere shock of it all I wanted to yell over "Spice-stud!?!?! Sweethaht, I havent been a stud since the summer of '85!!" Ah yes, you know me, campy humor always pulls me through!
Then like a great astronomical configuration taking place in the midnight sky, all 3 waiters meet up at the ordering station (Waiter #1 standing their nonchalantly with a couple of dirty plates in his hands) and the loud whispering starts all over again; but, this time I did not hear everything that was being said due to the fact that a couple of my co-workers were engaging in some conversation at the time. But what I did hear was the following exchange...Waiter #2: "Oh my gawd, Dude, you were right! THAT is HivSpice, just like in the blog, Dude, THAT's him!!!!" to which I thought to myself "Damn, I guess people really REALLY are reading my blog after all!!" followed by my very low trademark Charles-Nelson-Reilly laugh from the mid-70's, which I did quietly to myself ! Waiter #1: "See Dude, I toldja, I toldja!" and then they did that hand-clap thing that hip-hoppers do and I thought to myself "Oh gawd, this just isnt your day Spice, it just isnt your day, Kiddo!" So then the 3 waiters got close for a brief 2-minute huddle - but it felt like 2 hours to me! - and they were whispering so low by that time that I could not figure out what they were actually saying; but, I do know that it did not appear to be anything of a negative nature (I'm good at reading both lips and facial expressions, for the most part). Then the 3 disbanded and went about their business while both my luncheon companions and myself finished our meals. But, there's more - isnt there always in my life?
Only a few minutes after we finished our lunch, Waiter #2 comes streaming by our table, looks at me straight in the eyes, smiles, and says "Would you like me to take that away for you, Sir?" so I smiled back at him and said "Yeah, sure, that'd be great, thanks" to which he said "Notta problem - can I get anything else for you?" to which I wanted to say "Yeah, you, totally naked on a couch made outta Corinthian leather, with "Touch Me" by Samantha Fox blaring in the background, can you do that for me Sweethaht?" but you know me, Mr. Good-Girl himself politely responds "Uhm, no I'm fine, thanks for asking." THEN, he rendevous with Waiter #1 at the ordering station once again and I hear him say "Whoah Dude, you gotta go look at his eyes! And...." then the rest I could not make out but as anyone would be, I was extremely and very much flattered by the compliment about my eyes, though by the same token I've always thought to myself "Why is it always my eyes?? What about my ass? My thighs?" Oops, sorry Dear Readers, gotta watch that stream-of-consciousness thing. Seriously though, my Grandma always has told me that you can tell a lot about a person by looking into their eyes, so maybe that part of the incident was a very good thing.
So as we're getting up to leave and walking towards the front door, Waiter #3 approaches me and says "Excuse me Sir, one of the bus-persons found this watch near your table, is it yours?" I stopped, paused and looked directly at him for a few split-seconds (which I think is exactly what the guy wanted), smiled, held up my left wrist and said "Nope, I dont think so, see, mine's right here" to which he laughed and said "Sorry man" to which I did, in all seriousness, accidentally blurted out "Dont sweat it, Sparky"(!) I'm serious guys, I truly dont know what possessed me to say that but both online as well in real life, I do call almost everyone Sparky but it's usually under my breath! Anyways, he said "What!?!" and then didda little laugh and said "I gotcha, have a nice day."
Let me tell you, on the way back to my office I wanted soooooo bad to ask one of my co-supervisors "Hey, you got one of those nasty Marlboro Ultra-Lights on ya!?!?" BUT I didnt, I was a good boy and resisted all temptation but let me tell you, today was the ultimate test to wanting to literally break-down and light up!! If this woulda happened on any other day, perhaps I wouldnt have been so innerly freaking out inside myself, but after being so goddamn sick this past week I thought to myself "Great, I make it through all this physical illness bullshit, now let's pile on the mental malady crap on top of it all." Oh well, I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later, and in all honesty I have no one to blame but myself, but still, that doesnt make the incident any less somewhat unnerving. Dont get me wrong, like anybody else out there, whenever anyone finds me attractive even in the slightest sense, I am quite flattered by it. The most unsettling part of it was/is my natural human curiosity, naturally, towards the answers to the folllowing questions - how in the hell have 2 waiters atta local restaurant figured out that Spice and the real me are the same exact person? Is my blog really reaching that many people? Who on my friend's list or the numerous friends-of-friends lists is somehow directly or even indirectly connected with them? I suppose some folks with my anonymity circumstances would ask "Arent you worried about them coming to where you work?" but quite frankly, I'm not in the least, for not only is my main place of employment (I oversee more than one group-home) sorta aways away from the restaurant, but with the simple-looking clothes I wear to work, you wouldnt look at me while walking down the street and say "Oh yeah, that guy looks like a group-home manager, he must be HivSpice" ya know what I mean? So in all honesty, I'm not the least bit worried. Plus it's very easy for anyone to say in response "I'm sorry, you must be mistaking me for someone else" if need be.
Of course, the main question for me right now is this - what do I do about all of this now, if anything? Quite frankly, I really dunno. I know one thing is for sure - should that type of scenario ever take place again, or at least until I do decide to come out totally as an Hiv'er in the public eye I need to to exactly what I did today - remain calm, cool & collected, just be myself, smile and remain polite, which I do anyways because as a whole person I really am one of those nice-guy types, but not in the push-over sense, please make no mistake about that. Aside from that, I think the only other thing I could do is possibly remove myself - my real identity, that is - off of all the folks who I am currently friends with online. Dont get me wrong, it would not be an action of personal offense towards any of my friends but rather justa precaution to protect myself, just to be on the extra-safe-side, that's all. But then if I did that, there are a coupla flip-side aspects to consider. First, unless I did it in the wee-wee hours of the morning, there is a possibility that several people might take notice and ask "Hey, where did so-n-so go?" Second, as much as I am proud of my Spice name, damn guys, there are times when even I needa break from HivSpice, when I'm the one who needs some extra moral support for what I'm going through, when I'm the one who needs someone to talk to. Besides, I like being able to be the whole me with my friends. Being able to be your total self, that's something that you may need to sacrifice in certain situations, but to do so 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Sorry, but that simply unacceptable to me as a whole person. After all, what's the point of living life if you cant keep it real 99.9% of the time?
So, looking back in retrospect, this was an extremely interesting and fairly enlightening experience that I had today. Perhaps in a way today's experience is a further confirmation of what a few dear friends told me last year - that I really do reach more people than I think I do. Hey, I'm in no way a braggart (okay, maybe just when it comes to my ships!) but as long as I am accomplishing what I've set out to do since Day One of this name's inception- to raise public awareness as well as make a positive difference in the lives of others, then that is all that truly matters. It really is. Being outted as an Hiv'er is a very serious thing but so is making it a point to be of help as well as be there for others. And I suppose in a way maybe we need to come out to ourselves first before we can do so to the rest of the world. By the same token, I think coming out as an Hiv'er is just as much of a gradual process as coming out as a gay man was, though with the former I think there might be more intense ramifications. I know, I know, there are some folks out there who will exclaim "Oh, it's no big deal!" but as I have stated several times previously, that statement usually originates from those who either have a partner to fall back on or who are no longer part of the workforce. And no, those arent excuses everyone, they're called realities. Whether mild or harsh, they are what they are. Yes. Yes, I think that is a very logical and intelligent lesson that I have learned today. As I always say, I may not have all the answers but at least my heart is always in the right place. Thank you for reading.
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