....God created Chocolate....and it was good. I've loved that line ever since I heard it a coupla decades ago and what more appropriate way to open a blog entry regarding that most sinful (as well as most damning) of culinary pleasures, Chocolate? Valentine's Day is right around the corner so why not write about the single gay guy's pleasure on that day? No, not that, sillies, I mean Chocolate! Ahhh if I could count the ways that I love thee Chocolate, well, let's just say that if those way were worth $1 each, the American economy would be in a much better place than it currently is! There are so many things to say about this one single subject that I truly could write a book about it and perhaps someday I will; but, in the meantime, I'd like to write about the different ways that Chocolate is special to me, as well as in a coupla ways in which it most certainly is not - watch out Dark Chocolate, I finally get to have my say against you for all those 1970's Easter Sunday candy basket searches you purposely ruined for me, you sonnuvabitch! Oops! But before I jump right into the subject, a coupla little disclaimers first.
Just like with every other culinary pleasure out there, Chocolate is NOT bad for you as long as you do with it what you should be doing with any other high-calorie, high-sugar confectionary delight - consume it in moderation. Allow me to repeat that one more time, extremely loud-n-clear because this bullshit about something as lovely and divine as Chocolate getting blamed for all the medical and weight-level woes of the world needs to be stopped! Again, when it comes to Chocolate, please, CONSUME IT IN MODERATION. In other words, when you're offered a piece of Chocolate cake for desert, take a normal-sized serving, notta piece huge enough to light several birthday candles on, okay? Or if you're reaching into a bag of Reese's Miniature Peanut Butter Cups, please, just grab 2 or 3, notta whole dozen, okay Sparky? Yeah, it's really that simple. Chocolate is meant to be enjoyed by anyone out there who desires it, just dont overdo it and both your hips and your conscience will thank you for it later.
Special Note to Diabetics: just because certain Chocolate products say they are "Sugar-Free" does NOT mean they are safe for you to consume, both in moderation or even if you getta bit carried away beyond that. I'm serious about this. Warning: 99.9% of sugar-free Chocolate products out there have DOUBLE and sometimes TRIPLE the amount of Saturated Fat and Sodium in them than regular Chocolate products! It's true. Next time you are tempted into purchasing such products, please look at the percentage levels of Saturated Fat and Sodium in those products. What the manufacturers of those products do not tell you on their labels is that when the sugar is removed from those products, not only is the amount of Saturated Fat and Sodium levels within them increased but extra ingredients that go into those products can and do act as natural cathartics. In other words, eat a little of them and you're okay; eat a moderate to large amount of them and it's move over Ex-Lax! No pun intended, but I'm not shitting any of y'all on this. If you're still skeptical after reading everything I just said then humor me, just once, if you dont mind. The next time you go into your local Walgreen's or CVS and you find yourself gravitating towards the candy aisles, do this. Grab one of those sugar-free Russell Stover chocolate confections and then grab either a Milky Way bar or a Kit-Kat bar and look at the Saturated Fat and Sodium percentages on each - prepare yourself for a shock.
Chocolate comes in so many delicious forms that the choices out there for the average Chocolate Connessieur can be mindboggling. Candy, cakes, pies, cookies, ice creams, sodas, mixed drinks, you name it, there is something out there for every kind of Chocolate lover on this planet. Originally I was gonna do a Top 10 List of Likes/Dislikes when it comes to Chocolate; but, I've noticed something about Chocolate over the last 40 years that I've been eating it. Just like with everything else, what constitutes good and/or bad Chocolate is strictly and undeniably a matter of personal taste. What one person loves, another may despise and every other varying degree in-between. Though I may list some of my favorites and non-favorites along the way, the bottom line is this - it's whatever you enjoy the most that matters. Try new kinds and new concoctions of Chocolate whenever you feel like it, but if there's a kind or type that you simply cannot live without, stick with what makes you happy Baby.
Before we proceed any further, another point I wanna make about Chocolate, especially Chocolate bars and/or Chocolate candy bars. Chilled or Unchilled? That is the question. Many a chefs and various culinary experts, even the Food Network folks, will tell you most emphatically "Chocolate is served best at room temperature." Bullshit. Chocolate should be served/consumed at whatever temperature YOU the individual so desires. Room temperature my ass. Yeah, if you like the stuff all goopy-n-gloppy and halfway-melted before it even hits your mouth; but, not for me. I LOVE my Chocolate chilled, as in sticking it in the top shelf of your refridgerator for a minimum of 45 minutes to 1 hour (or in the freezer for about 20 minutes). Consider it a tecture thing or whatever you will, I think any type of Chocolate bars/candy bars are downright nasty when not chilled first, but again, everyone is most certainly entitled to their own preference regarding this.
Ah, Dark Chocolate - cast thee hence from me thou lowest common denominating whore of confectionary-dom!! I dont care how healthy the medical world claims it now is for you, I think Dark Chocolate is just downright nasty-tasting! Blechhh!! Granted, when it is infused in certain cake and/or ice cream combinations it can be fairly delectable; but, only when it is dilluted. Hershey Special Dark bars and anything with Dark Chocolate covering it were childhood nightmares for me. As much as I adored going to Grandma's house for all our major holidays when growing up, nothing upset us kids more during those early 1970's Easter Egg and Easter Basket hunts in my Grandparent's living room and dining rooms than finally locating our baskets of goodies and stumbling upon horrifying things such as Dark-Chocolate covered Marshmellow candy eggs and miniature Hershey's Special Dark bars in the middle and bottom of those baskets!! I'll never forget the Easter of '73 - I accidentally slipped in front of my parents and exclaimed "I can't believe I got dressed up to go to that nasty church only to find that nasty Dark Chocolate shit all over my Easter basket!" It was only a split-second after I caught myself saying the "S" word that I knew I was doomed! Within a matter of moments my parents were holding me over my Grandma's kitchen sink and out came something that was even nastier than Dark Chocolate - that green Palmolive Dish Soap!!! Yecchhh!!!
I tried to hold back the tears but after my punishment was over - yes, pottymouth Spice, good ole' Mr. Trenchmouth himself got his mouth washed out with soap on Easter Sunday, of all days! - my Aunt Elise came into the kitchen, smiled at my parents as they were exiting (then the second they were gone, turned around and shook her fists at them!) - suggested a ton of cool ice-water mouth rinses to me and as she was wiping my face, bent over to me and whispered "I can't stand that Dark Chocolate SHIT either!!!" We both laughed so hard that my Mom yelled from the dining room table "Everything okay in there, Aunt Elise?" she yelled back "Yes Dear, just cleaning the young lad up, go back to your card-playing, everything is fine" and then she turned back towards me, smiled and said "And dont worry about that Dark Chocolate crap either. I have an idea. You come upstairs to my bedroom before you leave to go back to Ohio tomorrow morning, okay?" We hugged each other and the next morning before we left (we always had to leave at the crack of dawn, with Dad being in the military) I snuk upstairs right before the car was loaded, knocked on Aunt Elise's bedroom door and she opened it, bent down, handed me a medium-sized brown-paper bag and said to me "You hide these in your little schoolbag and dont say a word!" Then she hugged me, smothered me with several fast kisses and sent me on my way. On the ride back to the base, while my sisters fell asleep in the car (as they always did on those long rides back) I looked inside that brown paper bag and my mouth dropped!!! Inside was the equivalency of 2 pounds of Brach's Milk Chocolate Stars!! Ahhh, I was in Kiddie Heaven and as always, my Aunt Elise saved the day.
Speaking of Dark Chocolate, since I'm on the subject of what I personally consider lousy, unacceptable forms of Chocolate, I might as well address what I also consider to be inferior or bad forms of chocolate. First off, as proud and thankful as I am for how much the Hershey Chocolate Company has become a part of our great nation's historical fabric, especially for all the Chocolate that company donated to our troops during World War II it is now time to FINALLY and for ONCE AND ALL, set the record straight on America's most well-known Chocolate company. I dont care how much anyone out there claims "Oh I just LOVE Hershey Chocolate bars!! There's nothing better than a good ole' Hershey bar!" Like Hell there is! Bottom line is this - it may be the most popular and internationally renowned American Chocolate out there but there is nothing worse in than eating a Hershey Chocolate Bar and experiencing it's equally world-renowned slighty BITTER AFTERTASTE!!! Oh my gawd, after a century or so of this country consuming that crap, I cannot believe that it took me, someone in the year 2011, to say what millions of other Americans have been wanting to say for over 100 years;BUT, have never had the nerve to do so because in some warped way they felt that doing so would be committing a hideous, inexcusable blasphemy against our great nation's pride, only to end up being picked up by the Chocolate Police and being put away forever!!
It's true America and you know it. There isnt one single person out there who hasnt ever tasted a Hershey Chocolate bar without remarking to others, or silently to themselves, about that heavy, bitter aftertaste that hits the back of your mouth less than 30 seconds after eating one of those Chocolate bars! Listen to me people, good-tasting chocolate is NOT good because it gives you a strong aftertaste on your palette after consuming it. With the exception of Dark Chocolate itself, there is not one single Chocolate bar/candy bar out on the American market that will give you sucha aftertaste other than a good ole' Hershey Bar, with or without Almonds I might add! Either version of Hershey's Symphony Bars are fine, both have a creamy, rich tecture, the way that Milk Chocolate should be; but the old-fashioned original Hershey's Chocolate Bar? A disgrace, a total palatable disappointment to even the least discerning of Chocolate-lovers nationwide.You're better off to switch over to the Nestle's brand; however, that also has a flip-side flavor-wise, because though it may be more mellow-tasting than it's rival Hershey's, it's also more sugary than it is chocolaty.
But yes, there are even worse Chocolatiers out there yet, and I truly feel sorry for all the kids out there who are subjected to eat either of the following two Chocolate brands just because their products are so gaily-dressed for the holidays and because their parents and other loved ones are under the illusion that cheap, waxy, flavorless Chocolate is delicious. It most certainly is not and I dont care how broke you are, if you're gonna give your children Chocolate than at least make it a point to give them edible Chocolate, thank you very much! I'm talking about poor-excuses-for-candy companies such as Palmer's Chocolates and Elmer's Chocolates. Nobody likes waxy Chocolate of any kind but if you wanna expeirence a Chocolate that has more wax on and in it than a Pier 1 Imports Candle, then there ya go! I cannot tell you how many times I've overheard parents or grandparents frequenting the local dollar stores buying grocery-bags full of that horrible clap and then saying out loud to everyone within 50 feet of their aisle, "Well just because it's cheap doesnt mean that it's crap!" to which I always exclaim right back "Oh yes it most certainly does!!! Have you ever tried that stuff yourselves??" So what happens? They actually open a couple pieces, sample them, end up with these extremely contorted looks on their faces and usually say to me "Geese Mister, thanks for the scoop." Children and adults alike should only eat Chocolate in moderation; but, if they are gonna eat it, it needs to at least taste like real Chocolate.
Now for the good stuff. I have been fortunate enough over the years, thanks to the several places I have worked and the hundreds of people from all backgrounds whom I have encountered over the years, to taste and/or sample some of the more renowned American and European Chocolates created on this planet and let me tell you, there are some that are so smack-religiously delectable that they can literally provide your stomach with multiple-orgasms over and over again! I know, I never considered the human stomach a sexual organ either but let me tell you, there are actually some Chocolates out there that come extremely close to ranking better than an actual sexual experience. There are also some that sound so hi-falutingly good and righteous, yet after you try them you want to scream out "Oh my gawd!!! Did Lindsay Lohan make this shit while doing crack!?!??!?!" Of course, there is a flip side to all of this Chocolate talk though - what I find fantastic or unacceptable, you may find yourselves reacting the total opposite of when it comes to your personal experiences.
But in all fairness towards Chocolatiers worldwide, there really is only one other Chocolate company which I have a bone to pick with left, one which many of my fellow Bostonians will shout out "Sacriligeous!!" or "How dare you!!!" towards me; but, I must call 'em as I taste 'em. Godiva Chocolates. Yes, world-renowned, but extremely popular in Boston and a good portion of the East Coast, as well as all over the country. Yes, their Chocolates can be delicious and to swoon for; BUT, there are two distinct defects in Godiva Chocolates. First, the layer of Chocolate surrounding whichever of their countless confections you choose to taste is TOO THIN. Hey, if you're gonna be paying $20 for about a pound of Chocolates, dont you want to be able to at least taste the Chocolate? Second, waxiness. Yes, indeed. For those of you who have tried Godiva, didja ever notice that no matter what you do, you cannot get a Godvia Chocolate to melt in your hand to save your life? Some will exclaim "Oh well, that's because they are fine-made!" Fine-made my ass. Take out your kid's jackknife or perhaps even one of those cuticle tools and slice any Godiva Chocolate in half; BUT, make sure you are looking at it as closely as you possibly can. Why? Because you will have one very shocked glaze coming from your eyes when you see that extra-thin veneer of parrafin wax cause your instrument to literally slide off the Chocolate! Following your disbelief with the exclamation "No way, that can't be!" you may very well be tempted to follow it with yet another exclamation - "No way, I'm not paying a fortune for that kinda crap!" Godiva Chocolates are not shiny and firm on the outside because each one is individually polished with a pastry cloth, on that you can bet your bottom dollar.
Dont get me wrong, everyone just tingles at the thought of receiving Godiva Chocolates for Valentine's Day, or for any occassion of the year; but, please, buy a small box of them off the front counter of your local Barnes & Noble Booksellers before breaking the bank to impress someone, okay? It's true, 9 times outta 10 the recipient of such tantalizing appearing Chocolates will have bulged eyes and a great look of appreciation on their faces upon receiving them, yet after tasting them they may very well realize what I did years ago "Oh wow, these arent as great as everyone said they were....damn....." Please, if you wanna treat your Sweetheart to some mighty righteous-tasting Chocolate that not only will impress them visually but will cause them to thank you several times or more afterwards, go out and buy them a heart-shaped box of Lindt, Dove or Russell Stover's Chocolates. You wont regret it and neither will they.
Since Chocolate taste, flavor and texture is strictly a matter of personal preference, I will not tell you which Chocolates to try or not to try, all I can do is what I have done in this piece - share with you what my personal experiences have been thus far. You already know what my least-favorite Chocolate candy/candy bar products are - Hershey's. True, the Symphony bars arent too too bad but watch out for Hershey's Bliss chocolates - designed as a rival to Dove Chocolates or not, they still have a bit of that bitter aftertaste the old-fashioned stuff does. My most favorite tasting Chocolates in the world? There are several. Personally, I think some of the best-tasting Chocolate bars/candy are made by the following companies - Lindt, Cadbury (BUT, only when it was totally British, now that the Americans have bought it out, God only knows what will happen next), Ritter-Sport, Milka and Perugina-Bacci. The majority of my favorites are not American but there is a reason for that and it's quite simple - just as in the world of fashion and colognes, the Europeans simply make better-tasting Chocolates, period. As a matter of fact, much more richer, creamier and better-tasting than any American company could ever dream of doing. I'm serious. Plus, you will NOT find one European Chocolate out there that has even one-quarter of the aftertaste that a Hershey bar has. Dont believe me? Go ahead, make my day - sample any of the ones I just listed and you'll see.
One other thing. As much as I do relish the majority of the European Chocolatiers, I still am a true and proud American at heart, even when it comes to Chocolate. After all, European Chocolates are outta-this-world in flavor but even I cant afford them on a regular basis. When it comes to the national American brands of Chocolate bars and/or candy bars, I do have my favorites in that category as well and they are as follows: 1. Milky Way....2. Reese's Peanut Butter Cup....3. Baby Ruth.....4. Kit-Kat Bar.....5. Fifth Avenue. I think the neatest thing about this list, or really any candy list for that matter(!), is that it's always subject to change and that's okay because this is one of those things in life that it doesnt really matter what others think but strictly what you think that really matters. Regardless of what kinds/types of Chocolate you may or may not be purchasing this year for Valentine's Day, your best bet is to simply follow your instincts and let that set your own standards. There are no rights-or-wrongs on this one guys, just merely choices and/or preferences. But remember, if you are gonna get into some Chocolate this Valentine's Day, it's perfectly okay to treat yourself, just do so in moderation, okay? Since I started this piece in a religious-sounding tone, I might as well close it that way too - I bless all of you in the name of the Lindt, in the name of the Cadbury (U.K. Only!) and in the name of the Ritter-Sport. Amen. And as always, thank you for reading.
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