I really didnt know what to title this piece at first because there are so many methods or avenues of internet dating that are out there - speed dating, singles websites, actual dating social groups, and so on. Whether all these methods are effective or not, that I cannot answer for you, all I can do is share my personal experiences on the subject matter with you. The only advice I can offer on any of this is to proceed with caution, make certain whichever avenue you choose is legitimate, and most of all, use common sense, follow your instincts. As with anything, if it all sounds too good to be true, 9 times out of 10 it most likely is.
My main bulk of experience in the arena of online dating consists of a couple of the thousands of singles websites out there, SinglesNet.com and STDDating.com - I think those are the correct names but if not, feel free to Google them. Do these sites work? Only if you pay a monthly fee for them. No shit. You can place your own ad for free and answer thousands of other ads, whichever ones your little heart desires, plus you can even "flirt" back-n-forth and send single pre-written messages; but, unless you're gonna pay the $30 or more per monthly fee, it's nothing but a waste of your precious time. Even if you try to post your own email address in those ads, most of those sites don't even allow that, cause if they did, where would they make their money? Can you meet your someone special or even a few quality people on these single websites? Yes, I do believe you can; but, your chances arent any greater going that route than they are if you were to join a singles group in your local area, so again, whatever direction you choose to go in, proceed with both caution and common sense.
Speaking of that, one of the greatest concerns/fears of people who choose to explore any form of internet dating is the following - what if you run across a crazy person, a real nutjob, an axe murderer, someone who likes to watch old Ronald Reagan movies over and over again? Yes, there have been some horriffic events, even murders, that have taken place in the last decade or so that began from two or more people connecting on some internet website; but, be that as it may, it doesnt matter if its on the internet or in real life, either way you will never know if the other person has some hidden mental issues until you actually get to know that person. It's true, yes, there are some real whack jobs out there on the internet, after all, they have the safety of their computer screens to hide behind; but, the same is true of anyone you would meet in real life too - you don't know what they are really all about until you actually spend time with them and observe their actions, their body language, their habits and the like. Whichever scenario you choose to enter into, the key word here is communication. Whether you intially connect with someone over the internet or in real life, find out as much basic information as you possibly can about that person and communicate with your friends and/or families what your intentions are.
Whether you're gonna go out for coffee and a walk in the park, or to dinner and a movie or concert afterwards, let someone close to you know where you are going and what you are doing. What's that you say, what about your privacy regarding your social life? Uhm, I dont know about you but damn, I'll friggin sacrifice my privacy for personal safety and welfare any day of the week; after all, let's say you do run into a real nutjob, wouldn't you rather still have the choice on whether or not to have a social life, versus being dead and ending up playing cards with Oscar Levant and Dorothy Parker? Oh and another good question I've heard before - well, how do you check in with your designated friend/family member while you're out on a date? That's quite simple too - just excuse yourself, head for the bathroom and make your call. In this day-n-age, it's better to be safe than sorry, no matter how tough and street-smart you claim to be, it's better to simply use common sense and save both yourself and your loved ones a ton of grief.
Now regardless of what decisions you make on all of this, there are a few key components to the foundation for any successful, stable interpersonal relationship and the ironic thing about these components is that whether you are build them with someone in real life, or even on the internet, the end result should be the same - laying the groundwork for what will hopefully grow into a successful, loving relationship. Actually, that's yet another kewl thing about these components, they really apply to every kind of relationship out there, not just the ones of a romantic nature, but friendships as well. The key components are the following: communication, respect, and trust.
Communication isnt the first on the list for nothing, it is the biggest and most important part of any successful, stable, consistent relationship. If you run into anyone out there who tells you that it's over-rated or anything otherwise, run, hell, bolt away as fast as you can from that individual. Without 100% open communication, 24/7, no relationship can succeed, it's a fact. In my lifetime I've known people who have spent hour after hour together talking in person, on the phone, even on the internet and it always those relationships that have the greatest longevity. In fact, I personally know 3 couples who actually did begin their relationships on the internet itself - just simply talking about their thoughts, ideas, likes, dislikes, etc, etc - and two of those couples are still together to this day (21 years, 17 years) and the third would still be together had the husband of the one guy not been killed in an automobile accident (8 and a half years). So you see, it doesnt matter what avenue you choose - whether starting out in person or by a mere conversation on the internet, there are all kinds of possibilities out there, it's whatever you and the other person feel most comfortable with that really matters.
Respect. Before you make your final decision on whether or not the person you're interested is really and truly "the one" talk with them, spend time with them in person, get to know them, give both yourselves a fair chance, a fair amount of time and effort, before you decide its time to write that person off your list permanently. Respect them for being themselves with you, for being honest. You may find they indeed are not the person for you but in that scenario isn't it better to know that they at least respected you enough in return to be honest with you? So many people nowadays are in sucha rush to find that someone special, some with legitimate cause and some not, that they fail to take the time to realize that sometimes the best person for you is the one that you're not going to find out all the answers to immediately. Sometimes you do connect with someone instantly and you know it's the real thing, and this can and does happen; but, for those times that it doesnt happen quickly, just remember, sometimes it takes awhile to get to know someone, even a lifetime in some cases, but n the meantime, as long as you love that person and are loved in return, isnt that what really matters?
Do you know what I think are the two best ways to get to know someone, aside from simply spend quality-time in person together? Either take a roadtrip with them or live together. It's true, and more people out there than not, know it's the truth too. Whether it's a one-day road excursion or a two to three week cross country roadtrip, trust me, if you two are still speaking to each other at the end of any roadtrip, then you know it's most likely a keeper of a relationship. Laugh or scoff if you will but it's the truth. How so? Easy to answer that - communication. What better way for you two to get to know each other than sitting next to each other, talking and interacting with each other on a daily, hourly basis? Trust me, you're gonna know, you're just gonna know, it's not only unavoidable, it's actually foolproof. And what if you lie about how you really feel while on a roadtrip? Good Heavens, why would you even think of doing that? If you wanna see what he/she is really all about, you need to be honest, with all the cards up on the table constantly, no two ways about it.
Living together is quite a large can of worms for anyone to open, so perhaps it's best that I dont say a whole whole lot about this issue but I still say its true what I've heard for many years now - there are people out there who you truly don't or even won't know, until you actually physically live with them. It's kinda funny in a way, but taking the aforementioned roadtrip is also the perfect way to find out if you and the other person are even compatible with each other in the first place. After riding in a vehicle or on a motorcyle with the other person, and sharing a hotel room or small tent with them, for a few days, you will definitely learn - and rather quickly I might add - if there's hope for a future together or not.
Trust. This is something that cannot be commanded in any way, shape or form. It's something that needs to be earned and what it needs for fuel in order to grow is this - behavior, actions and time. Just those three things. In most cases, you can usually tell whether or not you can even begin to trust someone via their simple body language, their facial expressions and how they interact with others that you come into contact with. Time is the most important component for this one because as time goes by you two get to know each other, you're gonna know exactly how far you can trust the other person. Hopefully it will be implicitly and unconditionally but as impatient as most of us are these days in our personal lives, if it doesnt happen right away, dont worry, as long as you two are headed in the same direction on this one there is no reason to have any doubt towards this happening. And besides, doesnt it feel good to be able to trust someone? I know it literally gives me an all-time high (oh how fitting for this piece, love, love ya Rita Coolidge!) knowing that you can truly run to the person you care about, the person you love, the person you desire to spend the rest of your life with, with any and everything that is on your mind. Oh and that's one other component that needs to be mentioned here - before you can have an interpersonal relationship with anyone, you need to build a friendship along the way. The inner ecstatic feeling you have inside when you realize that the person you truly love with all your heart, and are also sleeping with, is also your best friend, well, there's just no other feeling like it on this planet. You wanna talk about being on top of the world, there ya go, doesnt get any better than that Baby.
Of course, you'll also hear that age old saying "You can't love anyone else untill you love yourself" and yes, that and all other idioms comparable to it are true for the most part, but you still need to keep an open mind to those relationships that don't always happen under those terms. Personally, I've known a few folks over the years that were in dire circumstances with their carreers, education choices, etc, with their backs totally up against the wall and then one day they met someone they connected with and it truly was like their entire lives had turned around for the better. Those types of scenarioes do take place but you dont always hear about them because for the most part, some folks out there still have a hard time being honest with themselves. Don't get me wrong, I'm not faulting them, for when it really boils down to it, if they and the other person are truly happy with each other, what business is it of anyone else's to judge?
What has worked best, personally, for me? More or less what I have described in this piece - talking with the other person on a regular basis, getting to know them better in person and so on and so on. As for the roadtrip thing, I have done this several times throughout my lifetime and have found that it does indeed work; but, I'm not telling any of you to go out and do this, I'm only offering it as a mere suggestion. You really do need to do what feels best for you and the other person, regardless of what you decide. In regards to living together, personally, I'd rather get to know someone and date for awhile before going to that level. Spending the nights or the weekends here-n-there along the way is yet another way to test the waters of compatibility too. Most people set time limits with each other before approaching the issue of living together and I dont believe in that, I think you need to go with your gut instincts and simply realize that like with any "next level" in any relationship, you are taking a chance no matter how self-confident you may or may not feel. All you can really do is simply take it one day atta time and give it your best shot. Trust me, if you two really do love each other, you will find a way to make it work come hell-or-high-water.
It's true that there are advantages and disadvantages of being single versus being in a committed relationship; however, myself, I'd rather have someone special to love, and who will love me, when all is said and done. Sure, with being single I love not having to answer or explain my actions to anyone other than myself, or the 2 mourning doves who roost outside my bathroom window every morning. I love being able to throw something in the microwave at 10:30 at night, call it supper and be done with it, no planning, no mess, no fuss, no wondering "Shit, what if he thinks the chicken is too dry tonight??" I love entering the T and someone saying "Hey, we got room for one more" during evening rush-hour and having no one to worry about but myself. But all these things are truly trite and minute when compared to having someone to love. I love having to explain myself to someone else, thinking of someone else and being able to say "Honey, I'm gonna be getting home from work late tomorrow night, you want me to whip something up or you gonna fend for yourself?" I would love to hear someone at work say "Meet you at the T-stop after we get off-duty?" and be able to respond back "Nope, sorry, my boyfriend or my husband is picking me up after work tonight." You see, it's the little things that are just the mere frosting on the cake of love. I know, that was almost too gay even for me, wasn't it? Oh well, you get the picture.
I don't know what the future holds when it comes to my personal life - hell, for any area of my life for that matter! - but I do know that even with as crazy as life gets at times, I do love myself as a human being. Sure, I have my faults and imperfections, we all do but it's those very things that not only make us all human, but it makes us interesting and if we are lucky, even fascinating to certain discerning eyes. Just be yourself, be open, be honest and remember that there is no one else like you on this planet and that you are not only capable of loving someone special, you deserve to be loved by someone special, we all do. If you don't believe that, then there are a couple of mourning doves I know who would more than love to talk to you. Thank you for reading.
No comments:
Post a Comment