I was once considered a "lurker" when I first re-introduced the Spice nic to Facebook in April of this year but I have never been called a "stalker" - and I don't plan to ever be called that. I despise the term "lurker" even though it does remind me of the group "Berserkers" in one of my most favorite horror films of yesteryear, Clive Barker's "Nightbreed" (1990) - just loved that movie! But still, the term lurker is unsettling to me because it implies a person who lurks behind the internet scenes, instigating mischief and mayhem - not only am I not that type of person, but please, with my life the way it is I have enough problems of my own as it is, I definitely dont have the inclination, nor the time to be doing shit like that. The reason I would like to talk about stalkers is because I think it's something that needs to be talked about, especially since I have a good, sound reasoning to believe that someone is cyber-stalking me. Regardless of what kind they are, most stalkers arent usually conscious they are stalking someone until it gets to the point where you find a dead rabbit on your doorstep or you find yourself playing 2nd lead in a Morgan Fairchild Lifetime-Movie-of-the-Week production. Personally, I don't like the thought of either scenario, so let's talk.
By the way, "re-introduced" in the opening paragraph needs to be explained. In 2009, I think it might have been in late Summer/Early Fall, I decided to open the Facebook account of HivSpice. I wasn't sure about it because I thought "Golly Gee Whillickers Batman, what if I am the only visible Hiv'er on this network??" Well, that's exactly how it felt. From then until December of that year, nothing, it was as if I had never created the account. I heard from only 1 person during that time-frame. Some straight guy was trying to find some new friends for his Hiv+ lady friend and naturally, as most people have done at first, he assumed that with the Spice at the end of the nic, I was like an Hiv+ version of one of the Spice Girls. Not so, as we all know. I told him no, sorry but that if she wanted to talk, she could always contact me. Nothing came of that. So I thought to myself "This Facebook crap is a waste of my time." So I left the account as is and then one day in April, 2010, I thought to myself "Oh what the hell? Let's check to see if anything has happened." When I accessed this account, my friggin mouth dropped and hit the floor with sucha thud!! There were at least 10 to 12 "Friend Requests" and once I started clicking onto those requests I found a whole brand new Hiv+ world that I had never known even existed on Facebook. Personally, I still would like to know what the hell happened between the time that I opened the account and early April, 2010, I dont understand how I could have missed it all but thank goodness I found it, well, more like it found me. Anyways, back to business.....
I dont know how the rest of you may look at this, but I've always assumed (which yes, I know, isn't always a good thing to do, especially on the internet) that if somene felt I was commenting, chatting or privately messaging too much in their personal direction, they would have the inclination and/or maturity to let me know. So far, I've never had any complaints on my sincere intentions of keeping in touch with my friends as regularly as mutually agreed between myself and the other person(s). After all, I believe in regular, open communication with those whom I believe are my friends and/or family on places like Facebook, and obviously those other parties involved must feel the same way otherwise I think they would've told me otherwise by now. I have no hesitation in telling others "Hey look, sorry, I cant talk to you right now, can we catch up another time?" or as is the case with me the majority of the time, especially when I get home from work so late at night "Sorry, getting bombarded, having a hard time keeping up, thanks for your patience." All these types of responses and exchanges are fine-n-dandy; but, what do you do when encounter someone whom you believe is not only a cyber-stalker, but who also appears to be two-sandwiches-shy-of-a-picnic-basket? That's where it gets tricky.
There are a few ways you can deal with "cyber-stalkers", the politically correct term applied to those individuals who give you a strong indication that they indeed stalking you online. First, you can simply delete and/or block the person and be done with it. Quite frankly, that sounds like the most effective and direct way to deal with such people, simply cut to the chase and kick them to the curb. But when it comes to Facebook, that method appears to leave a certain amount of unsettled residue especially when the person you blocked is friends with your other friends. In some cases, it can lead to even further exchanges, which in turn can occassionally turn embarassing and/or heated up. I dont know about the rest of you, but drama and stress are something we all could use less of in our daily existences. This is a legitimate option but dont kid yourself, be prepared for a certain degree of fall-out.
Second, confronting the person directly yet privately, the civilized, mature method as I'd like to call it. In my opinion, this is probaly one of the most effective ways to deal with sucha situation as a cyber-stalking scenario. Be honest, be open and try to resolve it one-on-one. Since dealing with this cyber-stalking crap is very new to me, I would think this method would work best because nine times outta ten any sane, rational person is going to also realize that if there is a problem and if they are indeed a person of good character, they will want to work with you in finding a positive resolution to the problem. For those rare times when the issue cant be resolved, I would think that both parties accepting that and parting company would be the logical conclusion. However, one can run into those folks who simply don't want "to let it go." In such rare instances, it can be extremely frustrating to know what to do, but if all else fails, it appears that deleting and blocking the other individual really is the only recourse. It's sad, but true, even if you're like me and do everything you can before resorting to sucha final measure, sometimes you just dont have a choice.
The third and final option is something that is probaly the most nondramatic, nonconfrontational, non-shared-friend-upsetting choice of them all - simply ignore those who are cyber-stalking you. It sounds easy to me. Don't respond to their comments, don't respond to their private messages and when they are in your chatbox, either say "Sorry, really busy right now" or simply don't respond at all. No one likes to be ignored under any circumstances, I think we all can agree on that, but when you are indeed being cyber-stalked, what are you really suppose to do? Although I have offered what I feel are some positive resolutions, there is no guidebook stating what is the best thing to do or not to do.
When all else fails and you have exhausted any or all of the aforementioned options, you do have the right to report the person whom you feel is cyber-stalking you to the proper authorities but I myself would utilize this as a final resort only if the person is continuously verbally harassing you as well as threatening physical violence against you and/or your loved ones. The entire world wide web was originally designed for us adults and if any of us adults out there cannot "play nicely" with each other than those individuals should not be allowed to be on the internet. Period. In this regard, even whether it's an issue of cyber-stalking or not, it's perfectly normal to disagree or even argue if you dont share the same viewpoint with another person; but, try to do so in a respectful, civilized, mature manner. Defaming, harassing or even bullying someone just because you don't agree with them is not only immature and barbaric, but also extremely ludicrous.
How do you know for sure someone is cyber-stalking you? That is so easy to answer and here it is - when it's to the point that when you sign onto the internet, you can't breath. Figuratively as I intend this, it is also possible for this to be meant literally as well. It's one thing having a large number of friends and family to converse with, I know I am blessed to interact with so many extraordinary people online and I never, ever turn a friend away, or anyone who wants to communicate with me because that's the type of person I am, I firmly believe in being nice to everyone, I really do. But when you sign-on and someone is there in your face constantly, whether it's chat-wise, message-wise, comment-wise, or all of the above, you know that there is a problem. When someone is on you so much that you cannot even hold a half-decent conversation with anyone but that person, you know there is a problem. And, when you look at that person's friends list, whether it be on Facebook or any other internet social network, and see they have a few hundred or more friends, and you exclaim to yourself "Oh my God, why the fuck am I being singled out?? Do those hundreds of other people know what this person is all about and now I am the lucky number being pulled out of the hat??" then you know there is a problem. And, when you drop hints here-n-there or even tell the other person "Look, I'm really busy right now, do you mind if I connect with you another time?" and the person keeps going on and on with the conversation, as if you didn't address the concern whatsoever, then you know there is a problem.
One of my dear friends suggested the following - just turn off your chatbox, that way, end of problem. Yeah sure but what about the other people you really really wanna talk to? I would NEVER allow someone else to control me that way - NOT EVER, whether online or in real life. I'm not kidding I MEAN IT. If any of you feel that turning off your chatboxes is a legitimate method to handle a cyber-stalking problem, hey, go for it, you have my blessings if thats truly what you wanna do; BUT, I refuse to do that. I won't. I can't. And of course, I'll tell you why. Chatting online is more than just talking, bullshitting or joking around with people - it's how I spend time with my friends, my family members and especially those who mean the most to me - my friends who are my family. I will not allow anyone to come in-between the important people in my life and myself. If you allow anyone to control you that way, you're nuts. You'd be better off telling the person who is cyber-stalking you to go fuck themselves flat out and that if they ever tried that shit with you again, you'd be the one doing the cyber-stalking, not them.
But with me, it goes even further. I've said it before and I'll say it again - there isn't a person I wont help out there if they need someone to help them and if it is in my power to help them. I will NEVER turn away anyone who comes to me in need. This is especially true of my fellow Hiv'ers. There are about a dozen or so of my fellow Hiv'ers whom I speak with online on a regular basis, not because I feel required to because we share the same disease, but because I want to speak with them. We're like our own private little family - notta clique, no, not by any means - justa simple group of people who try to be there for each other as much as we possibly can. And since most of us live all around the world, what better way to connect, talk and share with each other than via the internet? These people are as much my friends and family as my non-Hiv'er friends. I enjoy spending time with them as I do with many of the people I know online.
So factor in a cyber-stalker into this mix. I work almost 12 hours a day - so do many folks I know, I'm not complaining, nor crying about it - and my jobs are very demanding; the main one moreso than the 2nd one, but either way, when I get home at night I am exhausted from work and like to relax and chillout as they say by going online and visiting with my friends on the internet. Plus I love making new friends and getting to know the ones I currently have much better, especially if there is a possible love/relationship interest out there, ya know? After all, I'm a single guy and ya know, you gotta explore the possibilities. All hunky-dorey, right? True, BUT when you have a cyber-stalker, you are expected to set aside everything that you wanna do and can do, whether talking with friends or helping others, all for the sake of that other person. You are expected to put them first above everything else, even if someone is half-dead, you're expected to sit at your computer screen and listen to your cyber-stalker's conversation and God damn you to hell if you even remotely entertain doing otherwise. Uh-huh, and that's how it is. You wanna know how the mind of a cyber-stalker works? Re-read this paragraph and there's your answer. Please, do NOT allow anyone to control you this way, not ever. Do what you gotta do, ignore them, tell them off, banish them permanently from your internet universe if you must, but get rid of them. They are nothing but psychic vampires who will fucken prey on anyone they can sink their teeth and claws into - don't let them do it. Stop them right in their tracks. I mean it. There's no way you will ever get through to people like that, there is no compromising, there is no rationalizing, there's not even any point of having a calm, mature conversation with them because none of those things will work. Throw them outta your lives like yesterday's trash - you'll be so fucken glad you did.
Awhile back I was once accused of using this blog to attack others, but the person who accused me is no longer a part of my life. When it first happened, I thought to myself "Well, they are a friend, maybe I need to take good hard look at myself, maybe I have done something wrong." But after a good reality check I realized I wasn't in the wrong. And when my accusor began to attack me repeatedly not just on what I write in this blog, but even on things I would comment on, I realized that that person was really not my friend to begin with, but the person in the wrong, not me. But that's not the point, one of the glories of having a blog is that it is your sole property - you can do whatever the hell you want and you are not required by anyone or anything to explain or justify your actions to anyone. If I did wanna attack my cyber-stalker, name and all, in this blog, I would, but I dont play low and dirty like that. Talking about what is going on without naming names is good enough for me. Besides, there's always a chance that person will read this entry and even if they do, do any of you really think that person is gonna get the picture? I doubt it. I highly doubt it.
Before I close this piece, I just wanna say one more thing - please, all of you who know me and joke around or talk with me on a regular basis, please dont get paranoid or freaked out by this entry. There are so many of you out there who I truly adore and I think are some of the most fascinating people I have ever had the privledge of knowing and caring about, as well as being allowed to call my friends and family. It may have taken me a few days to further confirm my suspicions and warning signs that someone is definitely cyber-stalking me, but I have the situation under control and I hope and pray that if this ever ever happens to any of you out there, that it too will only take you a few days or more to accept and confront the reality of it all. Actually, I consider myself kinda lucky, most people deal with this kinda bullshit for several months or longer; but, not me. I cant afford to waste what I consider precious life-time on someone belligerent like that - and none of you should either, not ever. Thank you for reading.
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