It is with much gratitude and sincere sentiments that I write this extremely special "Thank You" note to all my readers, all my friends, all those whom happen to be both to me and to everyone out there who took the time to let me know in one way or another that they do care about my overall well-being. Thank you sooooo much you guys!! Wow, I was TOTALLY moved by all the heartfelt good wishes that everyone extended towards me regarding my most recent medical dilemma. Each and every one of you truly moved me with your kind words and I sending a giant long hug to everyone out there.
What happened to me was simply this - it was one of those brief periods of extremely high glucose readings that every diabetic encounters in their battle against this sometimes extremely frustrating medical condition. For the last several days I was experiencing extremely high glucose readings that I kept on battling on my own until 2 nights ago when the highest reading peaked at 486, which by the way happens to be the most highest reading I've ever had since the time I was diagnosed as diabetic during one of my chemo periods many moons ago - that particular reading was 695. So for the last day and a half, test after test was run, and specialist after specialist poked and prodded me about this-n-that only to tell me what I somewhat suspected myself - I had yet another one of those lovely unexplainable intestinal infections that decided to rage a very nasty war in my body, something that apparently all my organs handled with great finesse, with of course the exception of my pancreas which obviously responded with the sentiment of "I can't handle this fucken bullshit no more, Spice!" Literally.
So, via one of those adorable IV drips that almost every Hiv'er is no stranger to, the doctors decided to pump me full of meds and see how things would go and luckily they went quite well! Everyone, including myself, was extremely relieved and happy that my body bounced back so quickly from this most recent diabetic debacle; however, while I was laid up in the hospital, I also received yet another diagnosis which I now can freely and openly admit I have been in denial about the last few months - my body is becoming very very worn out. I know, I know, some of the smartasses out there will say what they always say "You're online way too much when you get home from work late at night, it's too much!" Sorry, but I still think anyone who feels that way about me being online is TOTALLY full of shit. Hell, at most I am online 2 to 3 hours per night after work and then sporadically on the weekends. None of you are fooling me, I am online only a quarter of the time the majority of you are; but, you guys are right, what I'm doing is too much, but it has nothing to do with my internet life - it has EVERYTHING to do with my real life. Point blank, two of the three doctors who spoke with me about my exhaustion issue said this - quit my second job. Sure, I told them what I am up against financially these days but they remained adamant - so did I. I told each and every one of them that unless they were gonna personally write me a check each week or each month for the overhead on my bills that I could not afford, there wasn't a whole lot I could do about my situation. But, I listened to what they said and I met them half-way.
Starting tomorrow I'm gonna start searching for a different 2nd job, maybe even some kind of online job, something that wont be half as taxing on my system, but that will help pay my bills so that I can continue to remain in my beloved Boston versus ending up on the streets, or worse yet, ending up near my relatives in the Midwest. Now I dont know a fucken thing about finding a legitimate online job that pays well and will help make ends meet; but, as soon as I do find one, then I will give my notice to the 2nd job I currently have. Look, I know that I am not invincible and it's very difficult for me to admit this, especially since I'm an extremely stubborn, sometimes even pig-headed, person, but the doctors are right - I cant keep going forward at the current speed of inertia that is so much a part of my life these days. It's more than being tired guys, I really am close to being just plain worn out. I've always said that if you dont have at least fairly stable health, you dont have shit and I know I am still right about this. What I just went through in the last 48 hours totally proves it. So all I can do is give it my best shot and see what happens. I will survive, I must survive, but I am not gonna risk throwing what remaining stable health plateaus I still have left in the garbage can in order to do so. There are some answers out there and I hope to eventually find them. And not to sound like a martyr in any sense of that world, but you all know me, I never give up easily and I always do love a challenge cause it keeps your wit and determination finely sharpened.
Aside from the inconveniences that being in the hospital and away from our daily routines causes in all of our lives, the only thing I was really bummed out about is that I did wanna write a tribute in honor of the 29 men who lost their lives on November 10, 1975 when the Great Lakes freighter EDMUND FITZGERALD sank on Lake Superior. Being a kid in the Midwest during that time, it was an event that blew everybody's minds back then. So tonight when I got home from the hospital, one of the 1st things I did was light the candle on my tiny kitchen table in honor of every one of those souls - I burned it for exactly 29 minutes. I know my personal tribute to those men is probaly very minute, and perhaps even lame when compared to the much larger, public memorials that take place every year at this time, but I wanted to let them know that they were not forgotten, that they were remembered by me, as an adult and as that 10 year old kid I was so many moons ago.
Before I close this special note, there's one more thing I wanted to say. There were a few people out there who couldnt understand why I didnt contact anyone to let them know what was going on. That's very easy to explain. First, I accidentally left the cell phone I use at home! No shit, it truly was one of the very few times when I literally forgot the thing but then again, hell, I was too worried about myself to think of anyone but myself. In medical situations, that does not require any explanation. Second, and I guess most people online have a really difficult time accepting this about my situation - which really blows my mind because I have so clearly explained it more than once in this blog - I'm alone. I'm all alone. No, I am not soliciting for pity or sympathy by stating that - I am - once again - stating the truth to you all. I dont have the big circles of real-life friends like alotta you out there have, I'm totally by myself. Sure, I have co-workers whom I am friends with as well as folks from the few neighborhoods I have lived in over the years here in Boston, but when it really boils down to it, I have to rely on me and if I cant make it happen then I go without, it's that simple. Perhaps when I can make more time for a more normal social life that will change but for right now, this is my reality. I dont know how else to explain it. Regardless, thank you, thank you so much to every one of you for showing that you cared, I am truly blessed and I wish all of you, including myself, as much continued good health now and forever, as much as possible. Thank you for reading.
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