I'm laughing at that title right now because once again my life is so friggin ironic that I think that's the healthiest thing I can do at this very moment. Later tonight when I get home from work, there is nothing better I would love to do more than do what some folks in those broken-hearted pop lovesongs or cryin-in-yer-beer country songs do - buy a pack of cigarettes, pour myself a glass of wine or open a bottle of beer and just sit down on my loveseat and have a good, long 30 to 45 minute cry, and just let it all out! But alas, I am greatly committed to my non-smokerdom; the booze would definitely knock me for a loop and put me back in the hospital; and, though I have always personally believed that crying is healthy, that it releases and relieves all the hurt-n-pain built up in our souls, well, feeling sorry for oneself has never accomplished anything. The only regret that I have is that I shoulda listened to my instincts much much earlier. Perhaps it wouldnt have changed the overall outcome that I stumbled across a coupla hours ago here online but at least it woulda made me feel better knowing that I at least made more of a conscious effort to get through to the other person.
Before I tell y'all what happened, let me just say that after getting outta the hosptial last night and surviving a diabetic debacle, as well as getting some badly needed rest while I was laid up, I felt like it was time to take on the world again so I thought what better way to do that than to jump right back into my writing, ya know? As does happen occassionally to anyone who writes, I wasnt sure what topic to take on next; but, that was solved late this afternoon when I stumbled upon what upset me. It's actually kinda embarassing to even write about this but I've always been one to bore my soul in my writing so what the hell?
Here it is - one of the guys that I have hadda crush on for the last 6 months or so is now "...in a relationship." The instant I read that the words "Oh no!" popped outta my mouth (dont worry, nobody heard it, I was in the employee lounge by myself) and my heart started to drop and I actually did look up at the ceiling tiles and saida Sophia Petrillo (from "The Golden Girls") line "This is your idea of sarcasm, isnt it...??" I still cant believe it. And mixed emotions? Yes, a few. I know that right now some folks are probaly thinking "Oh God, he's gonna write about some school-girl-like-crush isnt he? Boy, it's the Atripla again, isnt it??" No, it's not the meds, I have the right to feel the way I do and I'm more than certain that I am not the first, nor the last, person on this planet to have a crush on a someone who has obviously became involved with someone else.
Yet another ironic angle to all of this is that this isnt the first time I've written about this guy. I actually wrote about him (and 2 others, but I'll comment on them later - after all, why not update that too?) in one of my pieces prior to my blog being switched over from Blogspot.com to here at Posterous.com, only get this - I cant remember the name of the piece!!! Isn't that just so very sad? I'm sure I can locate it once I backtrack but due to the fact that I am writing and autoposting this from work, there is no time to sift through any of that at the moment. Be that as it may, crushes can be exciting and thrilling to a degree but in most cases, the person who has the crush is the one who ends up getting hurt in the long run, with the rare exception being those situations where the person is honest with the object of their affection and finds out the other person feels the same way, ya know, like Molly Ringwald discovered towards the end of "Sixteen Candles!!" Albeit, I'm notta teenager anymore but it doesnt matter how young or how old you are, crushes can happen to anyone. Funny how something so sweet and dreamlike is called "a crush" yet it can also be used as an adjective for how your heart feels in the end - crushed. Well actually, I don't feel that way, I guess the best way to describe it is that I feel disappointed and let-down by it all; but, I will get over it. Besides, it all really began as a mere physical infatuation.
I'll never forget the very first time I saw his picture and started reading a little bit about him. It was shortly after I returned to my FB account after letting it sit dormant for a little over a year and when I saw there was a "Friend Request" from him, I looked at his photo, my heart stopped for a split-second, and then I looked again! The first thoughts I had were "Oh my, who is that!?!?! Oh my God, he's gotta be the best-looking man I have seen in years...oh and he's single too!...hmmm...more like the best-looking gay bachelor I have ever seen on the entire North American continent!!" That's what I thought too, followed by one of my Gidget-like expressions, circa late 1950's - "va-va-va-voooommm!!!" Wow, now THAT is what a man should look like! I've said it before and I'll say it again - I never judge a person by his physical looks but when I saw him I thought to myself "Oh those eyes, those nicely chiseled features, that sexy, gorrgeous...oops, dont wanna give it away! His eyes really drew me in. I thought to myself "Now, THERE is someone I could fall in love with instantly, without a doubt!"
Again, I dont wanna sound like a hypocrite when it comes to the physical looks angle so allow me to reclarify all that. Even though I do not base my interpersonal realtionships on a person's physical looks, I must say this about the man - IF - and that's a giant IF, folks - I were to be able to describe what my personal take on physical perfection is, to describe what I find physically attractive in another man in every sense of the word, to describe what my "type" is, this one single man embodies all those appealing accolates into one single package. Yeah, no shit. When it comes to looks, wow, he does indeed rock my world! I've always humorously prided myself on being the "good-gurl" type, ya know, someone who doesnt do a damn thing on the first date and other similar scenarioes; however, I know for a fact that if I was even in the same room with this guy, I wouldnt even realize that my clothes had just flown off my entire body! Isnt that just terrible? I feel dirty and shameful just by writing something like that! But, back to reality.
I'm not gonna lecture about the other side of crushes either, how we may find others attractive but how their emotional and/or mental make-up may very well be a horriffic, extreme opposite of how they appear to be physically. In some cases that is very true but in almost every case, even our own, we all have issues to deal with, no one on this planet is exempt from that and no one is perfect - not even the guy I just wrote about. Quite frankly, in all actuality, he could very well be a major whack-job in real life; but, from what I do know of him, I think he is a very nice, sincere, genuine person who probaly doesnt have any more issues on his platter of life than the rest of us do.
Yet another true fact about these things called crushes. Bottom line - they are only as harmful as you allow them to be. Yeah, it really is that simple. Yes, I did have a crush on the man whom I am writing about but do I anymore? No, because quite honestly, I am actually very very happy that he has found someone special in his life. Several times over the past few months I've asked myself about him "Doesnt he realize that its okay to keep busy and even burn the candle from both ends, but that in the end, having someone to come home to, someone to laugh with and make love to, someone to hold you even in your darkest hours is what it's all really about?" Obviously he FINALLY does realize that jand I am genuinely happy for him. Regardless of how I feel personally about any individual out there, whether friend or foe, that is something I will always wish for everyone - to find someone to love because I truly dont think there is nothing greater on this earth than that. As long as the guy is happy, then I am too because I want what is best for him - to wish anything otherwise is just wrong, if you ask me. And, on top of it all, he is my friend and I wouldnt trade our friendship in for anything in the world, because I do feel he is an extraordinary individual.
Be that as it may, yes, there was a lesson learned here. For now on I have decided that no matter what, if I feel anything for another individual, I'm gonna talk them to them about it. As I stated previously, perhaps doing so wouldnt have affected the overall outcome that I came across today but I think it woulda made a difference for me personally to know that at least I tried to get through to him. I suppose in some ways I did but he just never put two-n-two together and that's okay, I'm not gonna fault the guy for that. From here on out, I'm gonna use the "piss-or-get-off-the-pot" approach when it comes to men. In other words, I'm simply gonna ask, ask away, probaly something along the lines of "Look, I have feelings for you and I wanna talk to you about them. If you're open to doing that, great, if not, then just let me know so that I know where you stand." Open communication, Baby, that's what it's all about. I still think if more people would just use a bit of extra courage and open up to the other person and explore the possibilities, more people would be both healthier and happier in love. That's what I'm gonna do from here on out, follow my instincts and take a chance.
As for the other two guys that I previously wrote about having crushes on....the one that I got off on a bad foot with is totally outta the picture, because quite frankly, the guy's just weird, he really is. I just dont know how to describe it or put it into perspective to y'all...it's like this...long, long story short, this guy condemned me and made fun of me for having an anonymous identity, yet after all this time, there are more people out there who see the real me as I am, versus seeing the real him, even though his real identity is out there, ya know what I mean? I know that sounds confusing but I dont know how else to put it. So with the guy from today and him outta the picture, that leaves me with only one crush left. How are things going with that? Well, let's put it this way - I have a fantastic friendship with that individual and he's actually become one of my closest confidants. I really trust him and I feel safe with him but again, he's my friend, nothing more. If what I have with him now is something I will always have with him, that's good enough for me because like with anyone else, I want him to be happy too.
Keep in mind though that there is a very fine line between having a crush on someone and being interested in someone romantically. Is there anyone I am currently romantically involved with? No, not really and if there were I would most likely be very cautious in revealing that information because I wouldnt want anyone to be in the way of any firing line just because of who I am online. There have been a coupla guys here-n-there in the past several months who have told me they really really cared about me but when I asked them "As a friend or something more?" they didnt know how to respond, which was odd unto itself since they all claimed to be single. Perhaps next time I ask that question maybe I should rephrase it to "Exactly how single?" Of course there's also the type who implicitly claim they are interested in something more than a friendship but then they get busy with their offline lives or get bored and disappear. In either case they usually forget they asked, or could it be selective memory on their part? Whatever the reasoning, I'm still single if that tells you anything.
Maybe I'm not as bad-off about all this crush stuff as I originally thought when I first started writing this piece. I'll admit, after getting outta the hospital last night, then finding out that my Posterous link will no longer connect to my Profile section on Facebook, plus finding out that Mr. Perfect (yeah, let's call him that, sorta as a fitting tribute, ya know? lol) is now taken, it's been quite a eventful past 24-hour period in my life. Just remember, rolling with the punches is what life is all about and as long as you come out on top (no pun intended!) with a level head and a good attitude intact, you're doing pretty damn good Baby. And even if you dont, it's okay, there will be someone there to lenda shoulder-n-a-ear, you can count on it. Thank you for reading.
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