Although this piece is mainly going to cover the subject of having respect for yourself as a human being, I'd like to start it out with a tiny personal update on what it also means to have respect not just for yourself, but for others, more specifically, for your fellow LGBT community members. In regards to one of my previous postings about the current Target/Best Buy boycott, I wanted to let my readers know that I have indeed found a substitute to replace my now former Target shopping sojurns - the Christmas Tree Shops store chain here in Massachusetts. I've always patronized that particular store chain, and in most cases, whenever I went to Target I always stopped there first; but, for now on, when in the area my local Christmas Tree Shop will be my only stop. For those of you unfamiliar with this particular store chain, they have fantastic deals on all kinds of items - home accessories, baking & cooking needs, pet supplies, toys, miscellaneous grocery items, personal toiletries; and, even the most discerning of frugal shopper truly can find a great deal there every time one goes. I believe the chain has locations in Connecticut, Rhode Island, and even New Jersey but for those interested, you may wanna check them out online. Hopefully in the near future this current boycott will become a thing of the past but until that happens, let's all stay as strong and united as we can.
When I use the term "self-respect" I don't mean it just in the sense of loving yourself as an individual and having all the self-confidence you need to be proud of who and what you are as a human being, I mean it also in the sense that you should never ever allow another human being to degrade your person in any way, shape or form. It is very true what "they" say about loving yourself - if you cant do that how can you love others? When you do not stand in front of others as a complete, self-confident entity and allow your light to shine forth it allows them to see only part of you, not all of you, and sometimes others may try to take advantage of you because of that. Regardless of whatever you're experiencing in your life, never allow another human being to do that to you because each and every one of you is a magnificient creation, a beautiful, loving human being and there is not anyone else on this planet like yourself and that right there alone makes you extremely special. Remember, God, the Universe's Creator, whatever you choose to call Him/Her, does not make garbage. Equally true is the fact that He/She don't like ugly and there is no other way to put that except in those exact terms.
If someone is verbally harassing you, calling you names and the like, they are not only being immature, shallow, uncivilized morons but they are also disrespecting one of the universe's most unique creations - you. As we grow up and reach adulthood, the majority of us are taught to ignore such people and don't waste any of our precious energy and precious time on such individuals - better to rise above it and walk away from it. I've always found this to be true; however, there are those rare instances when ignoring such behavior is virtually impossible. In those cases, my take on it is to defend yourself in any way you possibly can, not lowering yourself to their level per say, but decimating their ignorance and stupidity with intelligent, firmly controlled verbal retalliation. I know a lotta folks in the real-life world outside of the internet, as well as some on the internet, don't believe in that, they don't believe in return confrontation in the slightest sense; however, I personally believe that there are times when not saying anything is just as poor behavior as the touting that is flying forth in your direction.
As a gay man, I'm quite certain like millions of LGBT people out there, I've heard my fair share of the customary anti-gay slanderings that prevail in this world, even in many a stand-up comedy routines - faggot, pansy, queer, cocksucker, buttfucker, mudhole rocketeer (I think that one is hilarious, but I digress...), peckerlodian, mudrocket commander, and the list goes on and on. But with the advent of Hiv/AIDS in the early 1980's, newer terms such as "AIDS-Spreader", "AIDS-Whore" and other such terms have been added to the mix. It's not an issue of whether or not you are Hiv+, if you're a gay man, let alone any active visible member of the overall LGBT community, you already know first-hand that the following standard saying is undoubtedly true - there's an asshole or two in every crowd.
My experiences of getting taunted because I am an open, totally out gay man are one thing; but, when one is getting verbally harassed because of their disease, because of being Hiv+ then I would like to take the liberty of creating a new phrase in the English vernacular - "Hell hath no fury like an Hiv'er scorned."
I've been out of the closet since age 16 and have been fortunate enough to have no more than several experiences of anti-gay harassment take place in my entire lifetime; and, only 2 incidences of Hiv/AIDS harassment. I hope there are not any more incidences like the latter again because with the exception of being physically violent towards others and towards animals, I cannot imagine what else in this world is worse than actually harassing someone for a disease they have. Granted, I'd like to think that as I've gotten older I have become more mellow and not so reactionary on a moment's notice but on the issue of harassing someone because they have a certain disease, that's one issue that is simply going too far, if you ask me. Even if you don't ask me, trust me, it's still going too far.
The 1st time anyone ever harassed me for being gay was in high school. It was my senior year and one day as I was on my way upstairs to one of my English classes, a fellow classmate whom never really cared for me the 4 years we went to school together decided he wanted to mouth off to me - and so he did. As I reached the top of the stairs he said to me "You know, (my real last name), you're nothing butta faggot." to which I chimed back "Well, gee John, I'd be a pretty poor excuse for a cocksucker if I wasn't, wouldn't I?" He shut his big mouth instantly! I kid you not and the feeling of self-pride and freedom and shoving the shit back in a bully's mouth made me feel like a millon bucks! I wish I coulda recorded that moment in my life because it felt just so goddamn liberating. And, he truly did not know what to say in return! Hey, it was 1983 and I was only 1 of 2 openly gay students at my entire high school, among the 250+ kids in my senior class and back then, not only did you not say things like that unless you wanted the shit kicked outta you after school, but nobody, notta single soul, could ever imagine a gay teenager sticking up for themselves like that. Oh I'm sure I'm not the only gay teenager from the early 80's who has such an experience, I'm sure there are many, many more out there who have similiar experiences to share; but, it's was the 1st time I publicly stood up for myself as a gay person and I will always always remember that moment in my lifetime.
The 1st time anyone ever harassed me for being Hiv+ I've already covered in great detail in my previous postings titled "Retribution." Even looking back after all these years, the memory of that situation will forever be etched in my memory. But, it was the 2nd incident - which I hope was truly the last - of being harassed for being Hiv+ that showed me for the first time in my entire life where the line between what is human inside us, as well as what is animalistic inside us, exists in the human psyche. That superfine line deep inside each and every one of us is something I don't care to ever ever visit again. Whatta horrible, unsettling feeling that was. And, I was very ashamed and extremely embarassed about it afterwards for quite some time.
The incident took place at a gay club in mid-December, 1998. At that time I was socializing with a group of Hiv'ers who were an original off-shoot of a larger group started by a few members of the Fenway Community Center in the downtown Boston area. Since it was the holiday season a couple of them suggested that we go to one of the local gay clubs on our way home from "Movie Night." Wish I could remember what film we saw that night but I guess it's immaterial at this point. Unbeknownst to myself, a couple of the members of that group were regulars at this particular club and prior to us stopping there, they had called ahead and reserved a table. Anyways, not being a drinker I was kinda against it but everyone else told me "C'mon, it'll be fun, it's the holidays, relax, unwind." I had no problems with relaxing and unwinding but my bad gut feeling that evening did not leave once we entered the club; in fact, it amplified, all the while as I thought to myself "I just don't have a good feeling about this."
So everyone ordered their drinks - beer for a few, a mixed drink for this-n-that one and of course, an ice cold Coca-Cola for the blonde on the left. Next to our table was a group of what appeared to be straight women, laughing, whooping it up a bit, most of them tipsy but one or two of the group (about 6 to 7 of them) appeared to be extremely inebriated. We Hiv'ers had 6 people in our group, a few of the members being somewhat thinner than usual due to some of the rough medical battles they were fighting at the time; regardless of that, everyone in our group was having a good time and that made me feel really good inside.
However, that inner personal happy moment of mine did not last too long. Two of the more drunker members of the straight girl group next to our table started chit-chatting amongst themselves about those who were at our table. They even went to the trouble of asking our waitress about us and who we were. Bad mistake on that waitress's part. And then the chain of events began to happen. One of the two drunky drunks yelled over to our table "I see a few of you boys are fading away into nothing, what's wrong, AIDS got your tongues??" Laughter from the straight girl table, some low growls and "You should be ashamed of yourselves" and "You white bitches, you should shut the fuck up!" from nearby tables; but nothing from our table, except for one thing. One of the guys from our group was having an extremely rough time with his Kaposi's Sarcoma outbreak and it got him kinda emotional so I held his hand tight underneath our table to comfort him while his lover who was sitting on the other side of him put his arm around him and told him to ignore it.
That single comment did something to me though. It felt like a tiny sword pierced thru my inner soul and went flying throughout my body and mind, only to land directly on my adrenalin gland. I just wasn't feeling right. And the weirdest thing was what was taking place in my mouth - it truly felt like blood was rising to the roof of my mouth. After this incident took place I did ask my Grandma if she ever heard of someone experiencing something like that ever before? She told me "Oh your Grandpa was the same exact way whenever he would get very angry, which wasn't too often. He use to say it was like the roof of his mouth was bleeding when it really wasn't, it's just the way it felt, the way his body physically reacted to deep anger." Well, that certainly explained why my Grandpa made it through combat duty in WW II unscathed as well as what I had experienced that night, like where its possible origin was from, but still, whatta bizarre sensation. This unsual fact about myself as a person was also a learning experience for me - that sensation hasnt happened since that cold winter's night back in 1998; but, now I know IF it ever ever happens again, I need to get up and walk away - immediately.
Then it started again, following the 2 drunks telling others at various tables to shut up and mind their own damn business, they made comments like "Oh my, have you ever seen any AIDS faeries prance around before??" or "Do gay elves spread AIDS the way faggots do?" By that point I was boiling and the club's manager and one of the bouncers went over to their table and told them to either knock it off or they had to leave. At that point, one of the senior members of our group flagged the manager over and told him "They can stay, we'll be the ones to leave and we won't be back." So as we all were getting out coats on, the 2 drunks started flicking pieces of popcorn at a few of us and I turned right around and said "Will you please stop it?" No response, they kept it up. So I opened my mouth again "Knock it off!". They still wouldn't stop. So as we were leaving, one of them tried to actually trip one of the two members of our group who wasnt doing too well and I feli down part-way in the process; and, as I was falling down and then getting back up I met the eyes of the person who did the tripping and that was the final straw.
Instantly I lurched forward for her neck and I got it and let me tell you, oh my, I think I even surprised myself that night for what happened next happened so quickly that after almost 12 years, I still cannot believe it happened. I grabbed her throat with both of my hands, literally yanked her out of her chair and pushed her up against the club's wall behind us, looked right into her eyes and said to her "I fucken asked you nicely to knock it off but you wouldnt listen you nasty little bitch so you gotta ask yourself Tootsie Pop, do you feel lucky tonight???" She was justa choking and sputtering and she managed to get out something to the effect "Take your mitts off me you AIDS faggot or I'll get my boyfriend to kick your ass!" And I stared her right down and said "Go right the fuck ahead, get your fucken boyfriend but remember this, when I'm thru ripping him apart I'm coming after you Bitch and who the fuck is gonna protect you then? Huh??? Where's your fucken big mouth now Bitch???" Then I slammed her down from the wall to the floor and trust me, she hit it with quite a thud.
Throughout the entire course of that one event, people were flipping out left-n-right and by the time one of the bouncers got to me, it was all over with. Those moments flew by quickler than lightening flashes but the most bizarrest thing of that night is that no one called the cops, not one single person. Once my adrenalin rush began to subside that's the first thing I thought "Oh great, I'll be calling my Grandma on Christmas Eve from some damn jail cell in downtowon Boston"; but, it never happened. The one drunks friends were hovering over her after she hit the ground, all except 2 of them and I was told on the way home that night that apparently they tried intervening but I pushed one and kicked the other away. Damn, I had to have moved pretty fast for doing those things cause I truly dont remember my hands ever leaving the grip of her throat. Before our group left the club, this sweet, old black lady came up to me and said "Are you alright young man?" and I thought to myself "My God, if I was black this dear woman could be my Grandmother, what do I say to her??" and I said to her "Yes m'am, I guess I lost my temper, didnt I?" She let out the biggest whooping laugh out of her tiny body, she couldn't have been more than 5' 2" or 3", and said "Ooohhhh child, you showed 'dem bitches! Good for you son, good for you!" and I didnt know how to react so I just started laughing and she kept hugging me over and over again and saying "It's okay Baby, you did good, you did good, God ain't gonna damn you for this one." Her reaction was all so unexpected but I will never forget her for as long as I live - deep down I'd like to think that she felt the same exact way that I did - that it's not very pretty for anyone to ever lose control like that, but that we are all human and sometimes we do lose control. Doesn't matter who or what you are, it just happens sometimes.
The only other thing that happened before I reached my tiny apartment that night was that all the other Hiv'ers I was with kept saying that they never ever saw another human being move so fast in their entire lives and I believed them but it's funny, when you are the person who is caught up in the moment, you don'[t think of that stuff, all you think of is totally depositing every ounce of hatred and anger that was thrown in your face back onto the source of its origin. And that's exactly what I did. It was somewhat uncomfortable hearing everyone's take on what happened on that ride home on the T that night but I listened and commented with the "Oh really?"s and "You're kidding me"s that usally accompany the retelling of a physical fight story. But that's where I differed from the others, not just because I was the one involved in it but because I viewed it more as a standing-up-for-what-is-right experience, more like a the-little-guy-has-had-enough-and-isnt-gonna-take-it-anymore experience, versus an actual physical fight story.
Yes, I have said repeatedly in several of my previous postings that physical violence against any other living creature, especially humans and animals, is unacceptable behavior and should never be encouraged under any circumstances; and, perhaps the horrendous experience that I just shared with you may now cause others to view me as a hypocrite. As I've also always said, each and every one of you is certainly entitled to your own opinion. But before possibly saying to yourselves things like "Hmmm, I dont know if we'd ever wanna hang out with this guy in a social setting" or "Maybe we should get to know him only so well" keep in mind that not only am I human and not only did I happen to lose control one night many years ago, but that we all are human and what happened to me could happen to anyone, even any one of you. None of us are exempt from this type of scenario taking place, whether you're an Hiv'er or not, it can and it does happen in peoples lifetimes. Knowing when to stop, knowing when to put the lid back on the anger and rage, as well as stepping back from that precipice of uncontrolled chaos is truly what seperates us humans from the other creatures we share this planet with.
I wish that I could tell you that the experiences I've shared with you today will never ever happen to me again, or in anyone else's life for that matter, but just as with almost everything else in life there are no guarantees. However, the way in which we control our emotional reactions and physical actions are something that we as an entire race of people need to strive to keep in check because after all, nobody is perfect. That doesnt justify any negative actions we take towards another, whether the other person involved is the instigator or not, but at least being able to understand why we humans react the way we do in certain situations may somehow provide a deeper and better understanding towards human nature itself. I wish that I could personally protect each and every one of you out there, especially the up and coming younger generations, from even 1/4 of the negative, spiteful bullshit that you may experience as being an open, visible member of the LGBT and Hiv/AIDS communities; however, I'd like to share with you what I personally learned that night - we can't avoid adversity in life, sometimes we got it under control, sometimes we don't; but, we just gotta keep trying, we gotta keep having faith in ourselves as well as in each other. Thank you for reading.
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