My regular readers, as well as those unfamiliar with my blog, are never required to read this or that entry, it's strictly a matter of personal choice on everyone's part; however, with this particular entry, it's not for anyone but me and the people who have done me wrong. If you're not in the mood to read anything that has any venomous fury in it, then you should not read this entry because this one is specifically intended only for all the naysayers, haters and a few of my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists who have come up against me, or have personally registered their disdain for my person, in the last several months since I have been on Facebook. I plan to get everything that I haven't already gotten off my chest taken care of in this piece and should I feel the need to revisit some already previously overturned stones along the way, so be it. I do not plan to revisit this subject material again, unless, of course, a need to do so arises in the future.
As is usual, my pre-entry lecture. My name dates from the year 1995 when I bought my very first computer. As I have mentioned previously in several entries, when the name HivSpice first appeared on the internet scene it created its own passing whirlpool of worldwide web controversy, passing because on the internet, your notoriety can fade about 10 times quicker than the infamous 15-minutes-of-fame standard that exists in the real world. To sum it up, I gotta lotta shit for it, but also a lot of praise and various accolades for being somewhat of a pioneer, for having the sheer nerve to create a name based from the awful disease whom so many such as myself are still fighting to this very day. That's all fine-n-dandy but as I mentioned in my most recent entry, I didn't create HivSpice for any degree of notoriety nor fame, one of the main reasons I created it was to make a positive difference in the lives of others, that is and always will be the central cornerstone of who and what is HivSpice
Why do I feel the name and the concept behind HivSpice has lasted all these years? I think it's because I have remained my true self the entire time. Yeah, it really is that simple. There simply hasn't been any room to be anyone else other than my true self when it comes to standing behind this name. It takes being real, being honest with yourself and with others, being able to know when to go the extra mile when you are reaching out to others to help them in any way you humanly possibly can and most of all, it takes one little component that is usually overlooked in this modern day-n-age, being genuine. Without intentionally copying anyone else who has said this throughout history I find this very true for myself - if I cant be me, I dont wanna be anybody else. As I have also stated previously, you can create this-or-that name, portray this-or-that personallity, but you will always be who you are in real life, there is no hiding or masquerading that. And why should there be? We all are unique but you already know my take on all of that.
Yes, originally one of the reasons I did create HivSpice was to protect myself with a wall of impenatrable armor when it came to protecting the secrecy of my Hiv+ status but over the last several months that I have been on FB and have interacted with many people whom I have personally found to be extremely extraordinary, I've come to realize that that's no longer an acceptable reason in my eyes anymore - and that's okay, if anything it means that I have grown somewhat as an individual. I've seen where openly Hiv+ people lead very normal and very open lives; but, I've also realized that some of us Hiv'ers still do need to keep our status private for certain reasons, and that's okay too. In this scenario you just have to do what is really best for you, you don't owe anyone but yourself an explanation. Another one of the more important things I have learned through all of this is that just because you create a name like I have, doesn't mean you are any less or any real of a human being. Since April of this year people have shown me how kind and caring they can be, even here on the internet; but, they've also shown me how downright cruel and vicious they can be too. Now it's my turn to bite back.
First, I've already written several times on how unfair and extremely negative a few of my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists, some even alleged friends, have been towards me. Regardless of how many times I have kindly and maturely reached out to those individuals to attempt to form a common bond, I have received nothing but ignorance and disregard thrown in my face. I'm not taking it anymore, not just because it is very immature and shallow on their parts, but because it's just downright wrong to treat anyone that way in what I've always considered to be a civilized world. I once said that being Hiv+ changed some parts of me, made me a stronger and better person - and I think it has - but I've also said that with some people, it hasnt affected them at all. They are truly rotten now and I'll bet my bottom dollar that they were truly rotten way before they became Hiv+, and it is they themselves who are solely responsible for transforming themselves into the pompous, arrogant, money-rackateering human trash that they are, not being Hiv+, this disease didnt do that to them, they created it themselves. My revenge towards them? Aside from not taking their shit anymore, I'm gonna continue to be myself and I am going to live a longer and happier life than they could ever possibly imagine. Oh, and of course, the Ultimate Challenge when I get towards the end of this piece.
Second, I personally believe, as well as practice, the concept that if you can't laugh at yourself, you can't laugh at anything. I find this to be very true. Laughter is the best medicine in the world and Lord knows I love a good laugh as often as I can have one; but, when you laugh at someone else because of what is uncontestably a derogatory joke, then I think it's gone too far. People can continue to makes funny jokes about me, even tease the hell outta me if they like; but, if you use a joke to degrade me, then that's not funny and I will not tolerate it. If you laugh at me in a negative way, you are also laughing at every principle and every experience that I have had up until this point in my life and sorry, that is unacceptable behavior.
Third, no matter how often I've had to readdress over and over again my personal reasons for being anonymous here on the internet, it never ceases to amaze me how differently people treat me because of this. Dont get me wrong, the people who are my real, true friends totally understand and respect my feelings, and I will be forever grateful for that; but, then there are those - and trust me, there are a lot of them - who continously needle me about who I really am and lately it's been getting to me. Oh dont worry, my armor wont collapse anytime soon but what I dont understand is what part of being anonymous dont people get? I'm serious, if any of you have any answers to offer up, will you please contact me and let me know? The last few weeks it's gone way over the top, it really has.
So what I did very late last night after I got offline but before I went to bed was this - I sat down, poured myself a cup of tea and thought about it. Do any of you know what it's like to plan a day-at-the-beach getaway with your special someone and have it ruined when you take your garbage out before you leave your home, only to find reporters sifting through it? Do you know what its like to simply wanna go to the grocery store to pick up some last minute items before your relatives arrive in town for a visit, but you can't because you have 2 to 3 reporters with dangling cameras blocking your friggin parking space? Do you know what it's like to walk out of a hospital ER room, looking and feeling like something ripped your entire heart-n-soul out of you, because you havent eaten or showered for the previous 24 hours because you were holding the person you planned to spend the rest of your life with in your arms as they slowly slipped into death, AND THEN having about 5 or 6 reporters with the IQ's of a burro asking you "What's going on, is he dead yet, is he dead??? Did he die???" Dont any one of you dare have the fucken nerve to judge me and ask me "Why you are anonymous?? What's the big deal?? What's the lowdown?? You callous, insensitive sonnsabitches, I bet there isn't even one of you out there who didn't have the opportunity to mourn your dead in decency and respect and privacy. I never even got that. You wanna get to the core of me? You just did; but, I'm not through yet, not by a long shot.
For every single one of you naysayers, haters and downright unadulterated nasty motherfuckers, I got two things to say to you. FIRST, I take every single insensitive, probing question, every single derogatory joke, every single negative thing that you have said to me, as well as insinuated and even thought about in your nasty little minds and I throw it back at you, only 10 times as hard as what you have done to me. I curse everything there is about you. And, for my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists who have shunned me and have continously attempted to make a mockery of me as a human being, I throw back every negative comment, every filthy joke right back into your faces. All I've ever wanted to do was help others but no matter what personal trials I was going through at the same exact time, there wasnt one of you who wasn't right there, doing the equivalency of throwing fucken bricks at my head. To every single one of you who has ever said and/or done something mean-n-nasty to me, I have this for you - may each and every one of you rent a thousand hotel rooms and die in every single one of them. No, I'm still not done.
SECOND, you think I'm not for real, you think I dont exist, you think there's zilch behind the name of HivSpice? Then I give you the Ultimate Challenge. Marry me. That's right, you read correctly. If I'm so not real and I don't really exist, then put your money where your mouth is - marry me. Yeah. What's that you say? You're afraid? You think that's totally insane? Really? Well now, for the last several months I've heard nothing from some of you that I'm not even real, I'm just an extremely bad joke that somehow went awry - oh really? Well if I am all those things, what in fuck's name do you have to fear by taking on my challenge? C'mon guys, some of you have gone out of your way to needle and dig at me like I'm some nasty scab on a 7 year old's left knee, so what on God's green earth could you possibly stand to lose by backing up your comments and insinuations? C'mon big men, you're so tough, so goddamn strong, you got so much money, so much fame, so much invincibility, surely you cant be threatened by a challenge from an alleged nobody, can you? Awwww, c'monnnnnnn, where's your nerve, where's all your fucken toughness?
Not for real, heh? Then I suppose the fact that the blessed gift of my being able to walk again isnt real either, right? Or the fact that like a lotta folks out there, Hiv'er and non-Hiv'er alike, I'm barely making it on my rent as it is, that's not real either, right? Or the fact that thousands of my fellow Hiv'ers are on waiting lists to get the medications they so desperately need in order to survive and live their lives, that's not real either, right? I gotta admit, some of the rationale some of you have used against me is like 2 miles below whaleshit, yeah, that's how fucken low it is.
Gee, for those of you out there you think you have all the answers about HivSpice, it's funny how all I've gotten from the majority of you naysayers and haters is nothing but giant Mack truckload after Mack truckload of purely, unsubstantiated bullshit. Here's the real kicker of it all, that truly lets out all that nasty hot air outta your outrageous balloons - those who condemn me have stated that it's because they don't know me, that I am a totally mysterious stranger to them - now, since that's their rationale, how in fuck's name can they in addition to that even insinuate or claim this-or-that fact about me if I am a total stranger to them??? You guessed right - they don't have a leg to stand on. They aren't even using rational logic to damn my existence! Sorta lets all the hot air outta those balloons, doesn't it??
Oh yeah, back to the Ultimate Challenge. Me, insane? Fuck no. I'm not anymore crazy than you irrational bastards who have been taking potshots both directly towards me as well as behind closed doors. Oh yeah, that's another thing. For you naysayers, haters and the select few of my fellow Hiv/AIDS activists who obviously claim I dont exist yet y'all sure do throw a lotta shit in my face? Guess what? If I were some of you I'd start taking inventory on who my true friends really are guys, cause I sure as hell would be more worried with having friends like that than fretting over some non-existent entity like HivSpice.
Okay, anyways, so here's the deal - for those of you who think you can prove that I don't exist and/or that I am not for real, I reiterate, marry me, any one of you bastards. I'm dead serious. So let's set the stage. I'm a legal resident of the Commonwealth of the State of Massachusetts, so we can do it here or wherever you're at. Oh c'mon, c'mon, dont you dare be getting those pre-nuptial jitters Sweethaht, I know you can make it to that altar, I just know you can and think of the giant, shit-eatting grin that's gonna be proudly beaming on my sweet little mug when you approach and realize how so fucken very wrong you were for even thinking of doubting my existence. C'mon Big Man, what are you afraid of? Afraid of what Mommy and Daddy will say when you take me home to them and politely tell them "Uhm Mom? Dad? There's a new Spice in the kitchen and here he is." Oh I'm sooooooo sorry, I forgot to tell you - you're not gonna introduce me to your parents under my real name because remember Sweethaht, I'm not real, remember Honey? You're gonna introduce me as HivSpice followed by the sentence "Yeah, I didn't think he was real, but here he is, in the flesh, with a set of eyes, ears, a nose and a mouth just like the rest of us." Oh Sweethaht, that's how I wanna meet my futue in-laws. Oh rapture!
Oh, since this will be an impromptu ceremony - sorry Sweethaht, no diamond-no hymen, at least that's the rule amongst us figments of other people's imaginations - no need to worry about invitations, boutineers, colors or types of clothing, because after all, how can you put any of those things on entities that consist of buckets of air? Kinda hard to do that, dontcha think? Oh and don't you dare reside in a state where gay marriages are not performed or illegal because remember, you're the real person, not me, so you gotta live in one of the best places for all LGBT people to live in, remember? Yeah cause you see I have a quirky little rule too - you aren't a real man unless you live in a real state that marries real gay guys so they can live in real gay happiness, got it??
Timeline...those of you man enough to meet my challenge have until August 17, 2011 to get your shit together and be a man for the first time in your entire lives. I will admit, I'm a bit worried about getting stood up at the altar although I probaly shouldnt cause after all, I'm not real and people who arent real arent capable of human thoughts and human emotions, are they? Regardless, there you go - any of you want to prove that I am not real, you have 1 year and since a year can fly by extremely fast, I'd start a-courting me as soon as you all are done reading this fellas. You definitely have your work cut out for you, that's for sure. Oh wait, that's right, I cant say that cause I'm not real, can I? Dont you laugh, chuckle or even make a slight guffaw, you gotta get going Sweethaht, our future is right around the corner.
Whew, I feel so much better now that I got this all off of my chest. I am serious about my Ultimate Challenge - if I'm so unreal, then you shouldnt have even the slightest hesitation of planning your wedding trip next summer to Boston, Massachusetts. Don't any of you dare say "But Spice, what if someone actually goes through with it?" I hope they do - after all, why not only prove that I am real by meeting me in person, but by validating that fact with wedding pictures? It truly is the Ultimate Challenge - if you're gonna say heinous shit about people the way people have done to me, then it's time to step up to the plate and call them out on it. Or as they use to say in the Midwest when I was a wee little Spice, "Ya either piss or get off the pot." I'm not backing down from this one, I have had it. Enough is enough. From this day forward there isn't gonna be anyone denigrating nor castigating HivSpice in any way, shape, or form. I won't allow it. In other words, you naysayers, haters and the few or more fellow Hiv/AIDS activists who think you have the sheer nerve to play hardball with me? The ball is in your court. Thank you for reading.
No comments:
Post a Comment