Trust me, this is not going to be a dissertation on the music of Britney Spears for although I assume she is worth writing about to some folks, that is most definitely not the case with myself. Ronnie Spector or Stevie Nicks? Yes. Ms. Spears? I dont think so. I did something on either the day of New Year's Eve - or was it the day before? - that I very very rarely do. It was not intended as a mindgame of any kind because let's face it, anonymous identity or not, I always always believe in keeping it real folks. I actually did it because quite frankly, I just wanted to attempt to feel just a bit more closer to the folks whom I consider my real friends out there on the internet. I wanted to try to share a part of myself with them because every day I see them sharing parts of their lives with me too so I sorta wanted to show them that I am indeed willing to meet them halfway on that angle. Is this all a cry for someone to put two-n-two together and totally out me? Hell no, I can do that perfectly fine all by myself thank you very much. After all, I did so when I came out at the age of 16 perfectly fine without any assistance whatsoever. Regardless, I guess when it boils down to it, there are a myriad of reasons why I did what I did. Cut to the chase Spice! Okay, okay....
Here's what I did - I took my real identity and I raided HivSpice's Friends List on Facebook. Okay, majorly raided. I thought of all the people I wanted to feel a tiny bit closer to, in one way or another, and sent out about 250 Friend Requests (I heard that."250!?!? Whatta whore!!") As of today, less than 100 people have responded and of that amount of people, only about 3 or 4 have put two-n-two together. This is not including the 6 to 7 people out there who have known who I really am for the last 6 months or so. Why on earth would I write about something like this? Well, quite frankly, because it was somewhat of a learning experience for me and I look at that this way - whenever you do something in life that is something that you can learn from, whether it be an action or perhaps even a form of behavior, then nine times outta ten it's usually good that you did it in the first place. Granted, everyone is entitled to their own opinion on this but that is my opinion.
The reasons why I did it - there are a few. First, as I said, I wanted so bad to meet my real friends out there at a halfway point, to show them that when they come to me and confide in me about anything, they are not confiding in some masked phantom, they are confiding in a real person just like themselves who has feelings, emotions, strengths and weaknesses like we all do. Second, I wanted to show the folks out there who still refuse to accept and believe in me as a real person that I am just as real as night-n-day. This of course was not intended with get-in-your-face vindictiveness but more of a as-of-matter-fact sense. It was akin to my way of saying "Look, here I am, just as real as you. You doubted me unfairly." And I accomplished it, I did so in a demure, nonchalant, non-aggressive way. After all, you dont gotta bang folks heads against the wall to make your point, at least not in his scenario. Third, and I suppose to a point somewhat selfishly on my part, it was my way of saying to the internet world "Look, I am human too, I am imperfect, I make mistakes, I do everything that every other person out there does - I try to live life as best as I can every single day, like everyone else." This particular reason for doing what I did is especially important to me because I have learned the hard way this past week that when people expect you to be a certain way, when they expect you to stand a certain way on any given pedastal and you somehow let them down and show your human side, sucha mask can make quite a thud when it hits the floor. I do wanna be respected as HivSpice, but not just the masked side, but the human side too.
There are also some reasons for which I did not do this for. I did not do this to attract unecessary attention towards myself, nor to fuck with people's heads nor as a loud cry to be outted. Anonymous or not, I like everyone else am the true master of my destiny, I call the shots for myself by myself, I do not need any assistance with that whatsoever. In regards to uncessary attention, I get quite enough attention as it is when under the Spice name but it's all used for good - to bring focus on issues that are equally important to both the GLBTQ and Hiv/AIDS communities. Mindgames - like I said, I dont participate in those and I have no respect or need in my life for those who do. As for outting, like I said, I have that one under control too.
Some of you will never believe who was the inspiration for me to even tackle this extremely delicate subject via a public platform. My drag queen friends. Yes indeed. Now dont get me wrong, I did not befriend them because I wanted to study them under a microscope or anything of that nature, I became friends with them because I genuninely like them, they are quite fascinating individuals to me and point blank, they are simply decent good folks who I am proud to have in my life, as well as am thankful to be in their lives too. But in the last few months I noticed something about them that I've wanted to achieve in my own life. The particular drag queens I know are both well-loved and profoundly respected when they are creating illusions with their drag dynamics AND when they are out of drag being their real selves. In other words, they are respected as a whole person and I want the same thing for both my HivSpice identity and my real identity. Personally, I think I already do have that for the most part but not totally, and that's okay, eventually everything out there in the universe does come full circle. As I have stated before in one of my pieces from months ago - when a person does drag, they are merely creating an extension of their inner psyche, yet they are still real, whole people. The same is true of me. When I am online as HivSpice, he is an extension of my Hiv+ self yet when I am not online as him, I'm still the full, real, Hiv+ me. He is a part of me as much as I am a part of him, the same identical way it is with my drag queen friends and their extensions of their selves.
Two other angles of this subject that need to be covered before I bring this Baby in for a landing. Are there people I purposely did not tell? Absolutely, those people on Spice's Friends List who really arent my friends to begin with, you know the types, the ones we all have on our lists who wanna be on that list so damn bad yet they never talk to you, never wish you Happy Birthday or Happy New Year, those ones. If they are that detached from me personally, what business is it of their's to know the real true me? Nadda. It'd be pointless. In addition, there are also those friends who like you and you like them yet the friendship rarely goes beyond sharing a comment here-n-there. For those folks, I felt my real identity would be totally immaterial to them as well, no disrespect personally intended.
The second, and final commentary on this subject is simply this - I was right. I told myself months ago that eventually, some day, I would do what I did and most people would not only not put all the pieces together, but most wouldnt even notice. And they havent. If they had, I woulda heard about it 3 or 4 days ago when I did it. Perhaps there is one more reason I did what I did - for all the guys who have flirted with me since Day One, for all the people who have been extremely insistent that I post a picture of the real me online I thought to myself "I'll one up y'all on that one, I'll not only post a real photo of myself, I'll do even more, I'll give ya the whole me accompanied by a Friend Request too." Again, all done in a sincere demeanor, not spiteful intention. The lesson learned? Exactly what I said so long ago - someday I would reveal the real me and I so easily mix into a crowd that not only did very few folks notice the real me, but hardly any of them even thought twice. It's more immaterial to people than I previously thought and I dont mind being proved wrong on that count. Besides, it should never be what a person looks like that matters, but rather what good things they can bring to other peoples tables - and no, I'm not talking about being a waiter at Bennigan's either!
I suppose now that I've written this piece, there may be some folks out there who will say to themselves "Omg, I gotta go look at my list, where is that Spice bitch hiding!?!??!" But I dont think that will happen. Besides, most people are far more intelligent than a lot of us care to admit. I'm equally certain there are many people who have figured it out already but again, that's not the point - I just wanted to share an extra piece of the real me with folks, that's all, nothing complicated, just all very simple and very real. For what it's worth, I've decided this is the last and final time I will do this - I tried it twice last year, in smaller increments, and no reaction whatsoever. The next time I decide to reveal more of the real me, it will be the full reveal or nothing at all. I dont know just yet. But one thing I do know is that I am a real, whole person either way. On that you all may rest assured. Thank you for reading.
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