Looking at that title I still feel a bit uneasy entertaining the thought of starting my own "personal" or "fan" page as people call them, but a few close confidantes of mine have made the suggestion to me and after giving it a great deal of thought, I'm leaning more towards creating one. But I will admit, I feel kinda funny doing so not just because I'm modest (that's what others tell me) but because I've never been very big into self-promotion to begin with. I mean, I do have something to offer others - my friendship, commaraderie, compassion, someone who will always be there to listen and offer moral support whenever I possibly can. Perhaps even the morsels of wisdom I have learned over the years when it comes to life in general; but, like everyone else, I still have more growing to do too. I woulda entertained the thought of a personal page months ago but it's taken me awhile to step up to the plate of self-promotion due to the fact that I've always viewed myself as the average gay guy, like I always say, I'm just a very simple person, nothing fancy or glamorous about me. But if I do indeed make a positive difference in the lives of others as much as people have told me I do, then damn, I do need to put myself more out there.
Of course, you know with me, there's always a flip side to everything. I've always viewed tooting ones' own horn as a form of vanity and/or conceit, two words that have never been used to describe my personality, both online and offline. But if you have something to offer others, something you strongly and firmly believe in, even if it is just you, then you do need to get yourself out there. Then again, when you look at it that way, it almost sounds like you are prostituting yourself, a concept I've never been too keen on! Maybe that's too strong of an analogy to use in this context. I guess what I'm trying to say is that as indecisive as I have been about the personal page thing, that definitely is not the case regarding my self-confidence and self-esteem as an individual because if you can't love, as well as like, yourself, how can you expect others to?
In the past, a few folks have told me "Get your brand out there, Spice!" and I can see their point but even describing my person in that context almost makes me feel like I am detracting the human side away from HivSpice, as if I'm making myself into something plastic, a bankable commodity or what have you. I know to some out there my way of thinking on all of this may come across as extremely polyanna but people need to understand that I'm just one of those people who is extremely careful in not wanting to lose the real me, my inner essence in all this modern-day, self-promotional society stuff that some folks do indeed lose themselves in. That's never a good thing, cause if you lose yourself then you lose your sights on your purpose for being. Maybe I do think about things too much sometimes but I just wanna always be careful about staying true to myself.
As miniscule of a decision as it may be to most, creating a personal page is something that I think deserves a great deal of thought. HivSpice as a brand. I gotta admit, when I created him years ago I did actually daydream about the possbilities. T-shirts, bumper stickers, guest spots on this-or-that tv and radio programs, and the creme-de-la-creme of it all - sharing a speaking stage with some of the folks I have always considered the greats - Bobby Campbell, Vito Russo, Cleve Jones, Larry Kramer, and the list goes on and on. Okay, maybe I am daydreaming a bit too much on all of that but still, it never hurts to dream. Plus, all of it would be an extremely memorable tribute to the young man from Cape Cod/fellow Hiv'er who designed the logo that everyone sees on my Profile picture on Facebook. He was a good kid, a great guy and what better way to show him eternal gratitude, great respect and profound reverence, you know? I'm sure some folks may not think much of stuff like that but when someone has created something personally for me, I cant help but be genunitely moved by both the person and their talent. I suppose anyone coulda created that logo but the fact that it was created specifically for me is something I will always be in awe of. It's the thought, the principle, as it befittingly always is for me.
If creating a personal page is gonna promote awareness in the battle against the AIDS epidemic, as well as focus necessary attention on the other causes I personally believe in and support, then a personal page it will be. I realize that creating one is suppose to be mainly for the person who creates it but I dont want it to be all about me, I want it to be a mixture of all kinds of things, all good things. I probaly will put one together in the next several days or so. A few friends have also suggested that I do so since both the readership on my blog is increasing as are the amount of people who have been thoughtful enough to friend me. I guess it is a good idea but I really dont know how well it will take off as they say. I suppose it's worth a try but there still is that tiny bit of apprehension deep inside me. Naturally so too because as great as it all sounds in concept, everyone knows that the actual process of putting it all together is gonna have a rough spot or two in it for me due to the abscence of a certificate of computer saviness in my life! One thing's for sure, it'll definitely be a learning experience, without a doubt, that's for sure.
I'm still not 100% comfortable with considering or labeling people who would visit the page my "fans" because I just dont view myself as some famous luminary-like person. If one must use labels at all, I'd like to consider anyone who would visit the page as "acquaintances" or "friends" because doing otherwise would be implying that I am above or better than other people, of which I am neither, that is something I will remain adamant about till I breath my last breath. We're in this world together, we are all equal, at least in my eyes. And unlike several of my activist contemporaries I am definitely not out to win or compete in any popularity contests. I'm just here to be me and let's face it, we all cant be liked by everyone, there will be those out there who simply dont like a person for whatever reason. Oh well, at least I have a realistic, down-to-earth approach to all of this. Perhaps I do have a tiny bit of vanity in one angle of this personal page business - it sure would be a good opportunity to prove to those doubters still out there that you can be respected and/or like for simply being yourself, not because of some over-run publicity mill or because of knowing this-or-that person. Who knows, maybe it'd even be chance to prove that nice guys dont always have to finish last after all. Yes, anything that might be even remotely challenging is worth exploring.
So, I'll do it, I'll create a personal page in the near future, but only under the premise of unselfish benefit, in other words, attention and public awareness towards the various battlefronts in the war against AIDS and whichever other issues I feel are 101% worthwhile. If it will help educate others, then it'll be worth it. If it doesnt work, then I'll just delete it. Who knows, perhaps it will even be a page for people to exchange thoughts and ideas too. As long as it's all good, I'm all for it. Thank you for reading, as well as for listening everyone. Have a pleasent evening everyone.
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