About a week ago the concept of selfishness in a certain context was brought to my attention and since I've taken some time to sit back and really think about it this weekend, I feel I'm ready to write about it. Dont get me wrong, the specific statement that compelled me to write about it this evening did not anger me per se but it did make an impact on me. The gest of what was stated/implied is this - anyone who is Hiv+ and is not 100% totaly open about it with the entire known universe is selfish, for whatever underlying reason(s), such individuals are 100% totally and undeniably selfish. What I actually wanted to say to the person who made this statement in reference to all Hiv'ers who are somewhat closted about their status, myself included, was this - "Who the fuck died and made you the god of Hiv/AIDS etiquette, Sparky???" But, since everyone is entitled to their own opinion, even when it is based on irrational, biased reasoning, I thought it best to simply bite my tongue. Well, my tongue has been hurting alot this past week, to the point where it's actually throbbing, so I must formally register my disdain with that statement, and the assumptions that accompany it, here-n-now.
But before I jump in, I wanna make something very clear to all my fellow Hiv'ers out there, but especially you newly diagnosed Hiv'ers. Please remember this above many of the things you have heard about being Hiv+ thus far - what works for one Hiv'er does not necessarily mean it will work or be appropriate for another Hiv'er. Whenever you question anything, especially whether how public or private to be about your Hiv status, remember, every situation is different and regardless of what I or any of the other Hiv'ers tell you, please keep foremost in your mind that you should do whatever you personally feel is best for yourself, your circumstances and your survival in this sometimes crazy, topsy-turvey world which we all live in. Yes, if you have any doubts about status disclosure, seek assistance for it, whether talking to a fellow Hiv'er, your medical and/or moral support teams, a trained professional counselor and so on and so on. Do not be influenced or coerced by anyone on sucha a very sensitive, private matter. Process all the information that you choose to gather on the issue of status disclosure and then make the most rational, logical decision for yourself.
There's a breed of Hiv'er out there who believes in 100% full disclosure in every single friggin scenario/situation in life and even with my being somewhat closested regarding my Hiv+ status, I most certainly do not have any problem with this type of Hiv'er. In fact, one of the many people who I admire most in the Hiv/AIDS world is such an individual and being open about his status every single which way he turns does indeed work out for him perfectly fine 101% of the time. However, be that as it may, he will be one of the first people on the planet to tell any and everyone what both he and I learned over 25+ years ago - what works for one person doesnt always mean it will work for everyone else. One should follow their gut instincts and take it from there. I agree with him wholeheartedly. However, there are others who think exactly like my friend does but they are not anywhat like him because they take the open-disclosure-of-status to a somewhat unnerving new extreme. It's that type of Hiv'er I have an issue with.
Their kind believes in shouting it from the friggin roof-tops, which is perfectly fine if that is how you the individual chooses to disclose your Hiv+ status. However, what makes their concept and the rationale behind it so unsettling is that this particular breed of Hiv'er will tell you how wonderful it was for them to do so or how much it literally saved their lives and how EVERYONE else on the planet should make the same exact decisions they did because there is no other way to live life as an Hiv'er or PWA, except their way. Uhm... I dont think so. I'm not saying that because I'm not totally out about my status as some others are, I'm saying that because following an example set by several or more folks could lead many people into making illogical decisions that could actually negate almost every other angle of their lives, again, depending on their individual circumstances because realistically speaking, we ALL have different circumstances. Now if any of you other Hiv'ers out there dont agree with me on this, fine, but for myself, I'll be damned if I'm gonna make such crucial, personal decisions about my life based on one or more person's personal experiences. Yes, I am more than open-minded to reviewing other peoples stories and making notes if I felt it was necessary to do so before making my ultimate decision but in the long run, just as you live life for yourself, you also wanna make your decisions based for yourself, not for anyone else.
Dont take the context in which I use the term "circumstances" lightly because I personally feel it is the key issue on whether or not determining when or how you disclose your Hiv+ status to the world. In a small-town or a major metropolitan city? Single or with someone? Working or close to being on disability? Barely making it or independently wealthy? The list goes on and on - the reasons why not to tell? Most certainly not - just a list of the factors that you need to take into consideration before making the decision that is not only the best decision for yourself but the right decision for yourself. Dont stress out about it, you'll know what the best thing to do is and remember, it's your life, if you wanna change your mind about this-or-that part of the decision-making process, that's totally up to you. As it should always be, after all, you're the one who has to live with yourself when all is said-n-done at the end of the day, not those other people who want you to live your life the way they see fit. Personally, I say look out for #1 regarding this issue because it's one of the most personal decisions you will ever make in your entire life.
Although we Hiv'ers are like everyone else out there on the planet - we come in all shapes, sizes, professional backgrounds, ethnic backgrounds, religions, etc., etc. - I've noticed that there is a predominant personallity makeup with these self-righteous, glorificating Hiv'ers as I'd like to appropriately call them. Such individuals will swear up-n-down "Well you know, it was the best friggin thing I ever coulda done with my life and because I did it and that was my experience, then goddamn it, you need to do it too!" Of course, such people who so fervently claim such a stance always always fail to factor in the circumstances of their particular life situations at the time of doing so. Did they do so totally on their own, or were they involved in a relationship at the time? Was their one or two revenues of income/financial stability at the time of their open disclosure? Did they happen to be barely making it or totally financially secure when disclosing their status? Do all these factors make any difference in the world? You goddamn bet your sweet ass they do. Because I'll make you a bet this very moment that if you, as an Hiv'er or any other Hiv'er you know, were to personally sit down and discuss with such individuals the circumstances at the time of their various public disclosures, and then compare your current situation with theirs, whether or not to disclose, with them knowing full-well the end results would be totally different when comparing the two scenarioes, nine times outta ten, such know-it-all-expert-Hiv'ers will tell you almost instantly "Oh well, this-or-that doesnt matter, you just need to do it, just do it!" Yet if you then ask them "Well, what do I do if this-or-that happens?" rather than be realistic and tell you that you need to have a back-up plan in place regarding practically every angle of full public disclosure, they wont tell you that. They are so consumed in their own personal, raptuous fantasy, they will say shit like "Oh, well, dont worry about that" or "Oh, well, that won't happen."
I dont know about the rest of you out there, but there is no fucken way I would allow anyone, including myself, to play Russian Roulette with my life, especially when it's something that may or may not very well affect my basic, daily survival. If you ask anyone else out there, Hiv+ or Hiv- or whatever, they will tell you the same exact thing I have shared with you in this piece. I'm serious. Anyone who states that being Hiv+ has become their personal savior is not dealing with a full deck of cards. Please dont misunderstand me, if being Hiv+ has indeed changed your life for the better and has influenced you to take the best damn care possible of yourself, as well as helped you grow and mature regarding life in general, then hey, I'll personally join you in shouting "Halleleujah!!!" from the mountaintops; but, for those people who literally overly-gloat about being Hiv+ as well as glorify this goddamned disease way above the welfare and safety of their fellow Hiv'ers, to the absurd level where they are putting the lives of their fellow human beings at risk, well, quite frankly, there is somethiing very VERY disturbing as well as mentally unbalanced about such behavior. Don't allow anyone to challenge you on your convictions because there are some people out there - such as the type of Hiv'ers I just mentioned to you - who there is no rationalizing and/or reasoning with. Their tunnel vision is something they have to live with, but it most certainly is not something you have to live with, unless you yourself make that decision.
I'm not gonna lie to anyone about this or any other angle regarding being Hiv+ and/or having AIDS - I dont have all the answers, but then again, I dont think anyone else does either. That too is yet another difference about the breed of Hiv'er that I have discussed in this piece with you, they think they have all the answers but they dont. They just might when it comes to their lives, but not yours. Actually, I should come up with a specific name for them because they are unlike any other variety of Hiv'er I've ever come across. Trust me, after living with this disease for almost 22 years, I've seen many different types of Hiv'ers come-n-go, let me tell you. So whoever you are, whatever you do, when it comes to being Hiv+ and who to tell and who not to tell, please, do yourself a favor, process all your informantion and then make the most positive beneficial decision(s) for yourself and again, remember, it's totally up to you, you're the one who calls the shots, no one else. Being a braggart is something I have never been, nor ever will be, but if you wanna go tit-for-tat on this selfishness/disclosure angle, look at it this way - aside from being fortunate enough to still be alive after all this time, long-term Hiv'ers such as myself havent survived this long by following other people's advice but by following our own instincts and being true to ourselves. If you can do those two things, you'll get much further ahead with your Hiv status and your life than anybody else, including yourself, could ever possibly imagine. Just remember, you're never ever totally alone. Thank you for reading.
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