I gotta be honest, I really dont wanna write about this right now but Lord knows if I dont, no one else will because unlike myself, there are a great many Hiv'ers, their friends & family, their physicians, their nurses and even their basic caregivers, who already know that the type of individuals I am about to discuss with you in this piece are indeed a reality in the Hiv/AIDS world. It's just that alotta people dont wanna talk about it, they wanna continue to pretend that they dont exist, but they most certainly indeed do and people need to be made aware of them so that their loved ones do not fall prey to being victimized by them in any way, shape or form. This issue really upsets me.
As I mentioned in my tiny preview note earlier this morning, I didnt want to ever have to write about it but some situations which I rather accidentally stumbled upon within the last 48 hours have not only sent actual shivers up-n-down my spine, but have sent up a red flag from my psyche which I simply cannot ignore. As I write this piece I have so many mixed emotions, so many things I wanna say. Part of me just wishes with all my might that I could literally reach through other people's computer screens, specifically these Angels of Death, physically grab them by their throats and say "Look, I know exactly what you motherfuckers are up to and none of you are gonna get away with jackshit!" True, I do not advocate physical violence of any kind, but when innocent people are at stake and are in great danger of being harmed in any way, let's just say I get angry, very angry, just like anyone else would (and does) in such circumstances.
I'd like to include some kind of disclaimer in this piece, just so that everything is out on the table so to say. Everything that I am about to share with my readers is based strictly and totally on my personal first-hand experiences as well as the experiences of several very dear and treasured friends whom I have been fortunate enough to know over the years, some now deceased, some still with us, thank goodness. I am not a licensed psychoanalyst or psychotherapist so I will not be making any type of official diagnoses regarding the individuals, the Angels of Death, of whom I will be describing to you today in this piece. If you are a psychological or psychiatric professional and are inclined to assess the information I will be sharing with you today, please feel free to do so. For myself, I'm just sharing my personal experiences regarding it with others.
Naturally, I need to provide a definition for the term "Angels of Death." Basically what they are is simply this - they are individuals who for whatever psychological reasons, feel that they need to be a part of other people's dying process. I know, if I was reading that for the very first time I too would exclaim "What the hell are you talking about??" I'll give you a classic example of this. An Angel of Death is someone who would do something like the following - they're volunteering at their local AIDS hospice and alla sudden you'll see them literally climb into bed with a dying Hiv'er and when you ask them what the hell do they think they are doing, do you know what they will tell you? "Well, I wanna be part of what they're going through, I want to experience their death with them, so I'm just gonna stay really close to them and share this with them." Excuse me? EXCUSE ME??? There's something extremely important and crucial that I need to share with all of you when it comes to death and the dying process because Lord knows I've seen enough of it in my lifetime to definitely qualify writing about it. Here's the deal - when a human being is dying, the last thing in the world they want during their final hours, their final moments is some stranger crawling into their friggin hospital bed and embracing them! Not for a bucket-of-ice-water-in-Hell would anyone, regardless of what they're dying of, want something like that taking place in their final hours. During such times, you want your loved ones, whomever that may be, around you and that's it. Yeah, it's really that simple.
But not with the Angels of Death. They feel it's their divine right to intervene with the attitude of "Well, you need to share your experience with me cause it will help you feel better." Feel better? People who die in hospitals, hospice centers, their homes, etc. etc, aren't gonna feel better sharing their final moments with someone they dont even know! In fact, they arent gonna feel better period because they are friggin dying! I just cannot fathom what people, even the Angels of Death, do not comprehend about that. Now if it's the scenario of clutching the railing on the aft deck of the TITANIC with 1,512 of your fellow passengers or perhaps jumping outta the left Promenade deck windows on the HINDENBURG, those scenarioes I could see as realistic for feeling totally comfortable dying with strangers. But while you're laying solitarily on your deathbed? I dont think so. Look, death and dying are very very personal and private experiences. Those self-proclaimed Angels of Death who still exist out there need to realize that not only is their behavior unacceptable but if they wanna experience death so friggin bad, they need to do that when it's their time to go, not other peoples' time to go.
But now here's an even more disturbing facet about all of this. Over the last coupla decades, the Angels of Death have evolved from being the somewhat unbalanced individuals whom I just described to you to the totally Grade-A whacked-out individuals they are today. Only these days, instead of just wanting to be a part of other people's dying process, they now, with the advent of the internet, and much to the horror of myself and many of my contemporaries, want to be a part of other peoples thought patterns, as well as part of how people feel about everything in their lives. Here's how the Angels of Death operate on the internet. They become a part of (or infiltrate) any certain group of people, in this case, Hiv'ers and those with AIDS. Then they psychologically acclimate themselves to the Hiv/AIDS battlefront mentality. Then they insulate themselves with all the players they will intentionally draft into their warped mindgames. Finally, if their victims are fortunate enough, they will show their true colors once their walls of patience disintegrate. I'll give an example. Let's say there is some Hiv'er who's very very sick and needs an extra bit of compassion, an extra bit of guidance, an extra bit of hand-holding to get through some of those rough spots we all encounter. An Angel of Death will be there totally 100% for their intended victim but then the first time - and only the very first time - the sick person even slightly disagrees with their theories and/or philosophies on life, BAM!! they go in for what they consider their kill. They will figuratively smack their victims with things like "Well because I experienced it this way, it is this way, there is no other way" or "Well, what you're experiencing isnt right, you should only look at it through my eyes, the way I see it." Their bottom line is this - they mistreat people strictly for the extremely charged mindrush it gives them and nothing more. That one deplorable action of theirs alone should indicate to others that such people are undeniably 4 oars short of a Cambridge-side rowing team!
Look, I too am 100% for everyone out there, regardless of their circumstances, communicating with others, sharing their life experiences, comparing notes and all those extremely positive, enriching, bonding experiences which we all are entitled to in life; but, to tell someone else that what they are feeling, how they are feeling, what they are experiencing, is "wrong" because it's not identical to your experience? That is just totally unimaginable to me. Where does anyone get off treating their fellow human beings with such disregard? But that's exactly whatta Angel of Death does and figuratively speaking, they need to be done away with.
With cyber-universe after cyber-universe springing forth from outta nowhere, the worst fears regarding the Angels of Death have come true. They are now on the internet, and what better way to fool others than by sitting behind a computer screen where their psychological aberrances are not obvious, not visible to the human eye? Worse yet, and this breaks my heart to even say it, but sometimes they are even Hiv'ers themselves. I get livid when I think about that because I cannot fathom anyone dealing with the health issues that myself and thousands of others out there deal with, yet behaving so cruelly and irrationally towards others. There are a couple of tip-offs to watch out for. First, they have no major opportunisitic infections and/or secondary diseases as a result of the Hiv virus and this can be considered a major tip-off because if they themselves or no one close to them has experienced either, how can they in good conscience even consider counseling others regarding such matters? How they interact with their friends. That's another big tip-off. It's hard to detect this right away after encountering an Angel of Death but if you watch closely, let's say for a week or two, you'll notice right away that they consider their friends "disposable." You'll discover them shutting down friendships for irrational reasons as well as appearing to have many, many friends but when you notice that they communicate with very few of those friends, you'll know right away that something just isnt totally right in Denmark!
Angels of Death exist in both our real world as well as in the internet world, but naturally due to not being able to read their facial expressions and/or body-language, it's actually much more difficult detecting their prescence online, but definitely not their intentions. The ones I stumbled across this weekend really startled me, they actually almost escaped detection but while I was sitting in front of the computer, I accidentally came across a few exchanges here-n-there and then when it hit me what I just discovered, I literally jumped up off my computer chair, exclaiming to myself "....Houston?....I think we we have a problem Houston....."
I cant tell anyone what to do when it comes to encountering these Angels of Death characters but I'd like to make at least a coupla suggestions. First, if you run into anyone with that type of psychological make-up and you catch them in the act, you may want to report them to the proper authorities. By that I mean let's say you're visiting friends or family atta hospice center and you see a volunteer or hell, even a nurse, behaving that way, you need to report them because that's just not right when people do shit like that. Second, if you somehow encounter Angels of Death on the internet, be very aware of it and depending on the circumstances, you need to report them as well because whether in-person or via the internet, these people are definitely psychologically aberrant to some degree and can be harmful towards others. With the internet, it is indeed harder to prove that another person is an Angel of Death unless you yourself are the one being victimized. If for some reason you dont have enough sufficient evidence to blow the whistle on these types of individuals? Rest assured, sooner or later one or more of their victims gets hocked off at them and they blow their cover and the truth usually prevails. Regardless, always be aware of those around you and your loved ones, whether in real life or on the internet.
As for myself, last night I detected 3 such individuals who I have very sound and firm reason to believe are indeed Angels of Death. None of them are victimizing me personally but I see they have put their wheels in action towards several other people, but unless the potential victims were to choose to come forward in the near future, there's notta damn thing I can do about it and I find that extremely frustrating. Sure, I could try saying something to the involved parties but in cases such as this, I would most likely be considered a troublemaker and either be politely or rudely ignored by others. Hell, that wouldnt bother me since it does involve looking out for the best interests of my fellow human beings but this is one of those scenarioes where it will most likely take people finding out for themselves to know the truth. I just hope by then it's not too late. In the meantime all I can do is sit back, observe and sincerely pray for the best.
Looking back on this piece, I realize that people may very well divide themselves into two camps on this issue - those who realize that I am very serious and those who may not put any stock in everything that I have just shared with you. Whichever side of the fence you choose to stand on regarding this issue, it is my sincere hope that you will at least allow yourself to be aware of this issue and act accordingly in the best interests of yourself and those around you. Trust me, if I didnt think it was something to be concerned about I woulda never even bothered writing about it. Most of you out there know me pretty well by now - if people stand the risk of getting harmed in any way, then I'm the type of person who will always do what I can for the sake of protecting others.
In regards to the preview note I wrote prior to this piece, I never knew Paul Monette personally, but what I have read about him via his books, such as "Borrowed Time: An AIDS Memoir"(1988) and "Becoming A Man: Half A Life Story"(1992), he was quite an extraordinary human being. I remember after he died, the mutual friend of ours regaling me with stories of what it was like to know him in person and I wish I would've had the honor of doing so. In reference to these Angels of Death, I can truly understand how Mr. Monette and I would've indeed shared the same perception of what negative, detestable human beings (if such individuals should even be classified as such) they really are. Looking back on the last 21+ years of my life as an Hiv+ individual it still amazes me what kinds of people are born out of something like the AIDS epidemic, some great, some not so great. Either way, as long as folks try to look out for each other, as long as their is hope, I know that we will obtain victory both over AIDS and the Angels of Death. I'd like to dedicate this piece to Mr. Monette, a gifted writer and a wonderful human being. Even though we never knew each other personally, I hope I have done justice to an issue that has made an impact on both of us. Therefore, I'd like to close this piece with a quote by Mr. Monette himself, a quote that until now I never realized really is a tenet of both HivSpice and myself - "Go without hate, but not without rage. Heal the world." - Paul Monette (1945-1995). As always, thank you for reading.
No comments:
Post a Comment