This past weekend I was talking with my cousin in Florida over the phone and we had one of the best conversations we've had in years and we actually had a few laughs here-n-there, particularly over something that I thought I would never ever laugh about - my Gential Herpes. I know I know, some of you out there may think "That's not one bit funny. How could you laugh at something like that?" That's very easy to answer - because I needed to. Yes, you read correctly, I needed to. I think one of the most crucial parts of the process in coming to full terms and total acceptance with any type of chronic condition/disease is to be able to take a step back from it every-now-n-then and just laugh your ass off about it! And guess what? It worked, it really worked and I cant thank my cousin enough for that.
Don't get me wrong, there are some medical conditions/diseases that should never be laughed at, especially when it comes to being Hiv+ and/or having AIDS. Yet, even in those 2 examples, there are comediennes who do include such jokes in their routines and I suppose if they are non-offensive and aid others in the acceptance process, then I guess it's okay. But not really, because I've never found any of those jokes funny unless they are the personal jokes shared between others who are battling this disease, you know, the kind about how ironic we share some of the same infections and stuff like that.
Anyways, what my cousin and I found so funny was the way in which I described to him how ironic it was regarding the way I contracted the disease itself. Those of you who are my regular readers have most likely read my previous pieces regarding my Genital Herpes infection so if any of this sounds like a repeat to any of you I promise I wont be offended if you choose to skip over this piece.
So I told him how it all happened. How I became involved with a Rabbi and how during the 3 months that we dated (I believe that might even qualify as a short-term relationship for some people) I kept saying to myself, in a self-joking way mind you, things like "Oh I just know that someday I am gonna pay for this, I just know it! Someday I'm gonna get punished for sleeping with a Holy Man!" and "I'll betcha I'm gonna get one of those "Bad Girl" diseases!" You know, those kind that we saw in those 16 mm Health Class films in high school, the ones where slinky-looking Bad Girl types were hidden beneath darkly colored trenchcoats, kerchiefs on their heads, Rayban-like looking sunglasses and were walking down the street while that perennial deep-voiced narrator would say things like "To the average streetgoer this young inconspicous-looking woman may look like the girl-next door but BEWARE!!! Beneath her casual attire lurks another young soul tortured by... THE CLAP!" or "See that attractive young woman about to cross the street corner to fetch herself a cup of coffee? The one who is now sitting down with that nice-looking chap at the local diner? Little does he know, what lurks behind her titilating smile, her graceful table manners, her invigorating personality is....THE CLAP!!!" Little did I know how prophetic and ironic those words, those jokes of mine would be for they did indeed come true. Or as I have said ever since February, 2010, when I was diagnosed with Genital Herpes, "I've heard of giving Sylvia Browne a run for her money, but this is ridiculous!!" It's true, all of it so very true.
You see, the main reason I really REALLY needed to laugh about all of this was to help give myself final closure to the anger that was at one time very deeply associated with the circumstances regarding my contracting of the disease. Shock, anger, resentment, I went through every heated emotion possible over that situation. I told the man who gave me the disease right upfront, less than 24 hours after we met, that I was Hiv+ and that we needed to practice safe-sex only, that it was totally non-negotiable and if he couldnt handle that, then it was "Seeya Sparky!" I was honest with him, 100% honest with him yet he obviously wasnt honest with me and I guess to a much smaller degree now, it still angers me a little bit from time-to-time that I really let down all my walls for him but he obviously didnt do so for me. He lied to me - before we ever had sex, during the time we were together, and even afterwards. Hey, he was my most recent sexual partner at the time and I felt I owed him the knowledge of the situation. I dont feel bad or wrong for doing so but with the way he treated me regarding it all in the first place, sometimes I wonder why I ever wasted my breath. I mean c'mon, this guy knew that with being Hiv+ I was dealing with an unstable immune system to begin with, how could he in good conscience endanger not just someone in my situation, but anyone in any situation?
Did I have any clues or tip-offs about the Genital Herpes? No. You see, that's one of most extremely tricky aspects about Genital Herpes - one person can infect another even when at the time they are not experiencing an actual breakout of the disease. There was not one single bit of physical evidence on that man's body to indicate that he had any type of veneral disease whatsoever. Plus, he was an extremely clean person, had excellent personal hygiene, nothing visible that woulda made my subconscious scream out to me "Danger Spice Robinson, Danger!!!" Oh sure, your local health department or local vd clinic personnel will tell you that there are no safe-sex guidelines for Genital Herpes, that your best bet is to use a condom, use a condom, USE A CONDOM!!!! BUT, in the same breath, they will also tell you that there is no guarantee that you wont become infected even when using a condom for it merely has to do with skin-on-skin contact, whether in the groin area or the anal area. And here comes the irony of it all - WE DID USE CONDOMS!! How could we not? I didnt wanna give him the Hiv virus and I know he didnt want it either, quite naturally!
So yes, I am living proof that you can use condoms and still contract certain veneral diseases. Yet in the overall scheme of things, how do I really feel about it now, as my one-year anniversary of having it approaches? Without being bitter towards the man who gave it to me, as well as towards life in general, I think it was merely a very bad stroke of fate. I really do. I mean, I ask anyone out there, what are the chances of being Hiv+ all these years, and doing the best I can to lead a normal, happy life, only to find out last year that I have yet another friggin sexually-tramsmitted disease thrown on top of it all? Personally, I'm by no means a mathematical statistician but I would like to venture, truly, one-in-a-million. Of course, the real kicker is how the damn disease is reacting inside my body. Unlike most folks with this type of Herpes, my body will never ever (unless one of my doctors discovers a new breakthrough on it) getta break from taking the Acyclovir that at this current point in time I am most certain I will be on for the rest of my life. Seriously. Most people take the Acyclovir in cycles, the breakout goes away and they may not experience another breakout anywhere from 3 months to 3 years (I'm using those figures as an example). Once the breakout is over with, off of the medication they go and they do not have to take anymore, not ever again, until they physically sense another breakout beginning. But, that's not the case with me. Irony steps in once again.
For some still-unexplained reason, something inside my body is continously triggering the Genital Herpes virus to reactivate itself over and over again. Constantly. Oh dont get me wrong, I show no physical symptons of the disease, nor do I have any pain whatsoever; BUT, that's because I'm constantly on the Acyclovir and like my doctos, I assume that eventually my body will become immune to that medication. Should that ever ever happen I dont know what I'll do but I'm hoping there will be a new answer, perhaps a new piece of the puzzle that was previously overlooked. No, I'm not worried, not really, I'm just gonna use the same approach and attitude with the Genital Herpes that I use with the Hiv virus - remain calm, take it one step at a time and live with it one day atta time. As long as you approach this kinda stuff with a rational yet good attitude, trust me, it makes it more easier to accept and live with.
I won't lie to anyone. Yes, there still is a part of this situation that bothers me from time to time but I take that one step atta time too. The part of how others perceive or view me, epsecially when it comes to the world of dating. I'm 100% honest with anyone whom I go out with about my Hiv+ status as well as the Genital Herpes because I simply could not live with myself if I ever ever infected another human being with either disease. Oh I know there are safe-sex guidelines and other alternative methods of being intimate with another person so as to not infect them with either but still, worrying about it in the back of one's mind is always a daily reality that folks like me will have to live with for the rest of our lives. I know alotta folks out there rarely say that but I think it needed to be said out loud because it is so true. Sometimes I think to myself "Gee, maybe I should just date guys who are in the same exact boat as I am - Hiv+ w/Genital Herpes - that almost sounds like a fast-food drive-thru order doesnt it? "Uhm yes, I'll have...a Steak-n-Mushroom burger, a chocolate milkshake and a fresh side order of Hiv+ w/Genital Herpes please, thanks!" And you wanna know something else? I do not blame, fault or would even think of chastising to any degree any man out there who would turn to me and say "I'm sorry, you're a real nice guy but I just cant handle all of that." No, no, no, for another individual to be that honest, that respectful, that decent towards me, I wouldnt blame him and you wanna know why? Cause let's face the truth here guys, if the shoe were on the other foot, how would you feel? I'd much rather encounter a guy who respected himself enough to be that honest with me versus the opposite extreme, a guy who says "Whoah! Get the hell away from me."
Dont get me wrong, I truly and firmly believe that any two people should fall in love and become involved with each other only if they truly care about each other and share a special connection together. In other words, because they fall in love with the other person for who they are, not based on what diseases they have or dont have. After all, why would anyone even think of considering those who are not romantically interested in them as the scourge-of-the-earth just because they cant handle one's health issues? No way, no fucken way would I treat another human being that way because all that would mean is that they are looking out for their best interests at heart and c'mon guys, how can we judge any of our fellow human beings when they are trying so hard like the rest of us to do what they feel is personally best for themselves? For myself, I personally choose to do what I've done since day one back in August, 1989 as well as back in February, 2010 - I'm going to continue to be upfront, honest and direct about all my medical conditions with anyone whom I choose to date and if they cant accept all my truths, well then, at least I know that for myself I did the right thing and I therefore have nothing to be ashamed of. To do otherwise would be both unconscionable and unacceptable for me. Just remember everybody - before you can live with and go to bed with someone else, you have to first be able to do both with yourself. Make sense? I sure hope so.
I truly appreciate the laughs I had over the phone with my cousin in Florida this past weekend. He helped me contend with the Genital Herpes issue so much better. He helped aid me in feeling more "okay" about it and he reminded me that no matter how unimaginable or frustrating some of the things that life throws at us are, we truly can find humor in everything. Do I still harbor any resentment towards the man who infected me with the Genital Herpes? No, not really. Hey, he didnt force me to sleep with him, I did that on my own accord, so no, it's not totally his fault. The only thing I wish regarding him specifically is that he would've respected me enough to have been as honest with me as I was with him, that's all. Oh well, you live and you learn, you know? Honesty. Respecting others as much as you respect yourself. Friends. True Friends. Those are some of the things that I wish for all of you out there, both now in the near year of 2011 and for many, many years to come. Thank you for reading.
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