...was the brief time period between the surgery and my 1st cycle of chemo (5 days a week, Monday thru Friday, usually 8 to 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.). The surgey was done on an outpatient basis and I was so out of it from the anesthesia that when I got home that afternoon I crashed and didn't wake up till the next morning. That is a morning I will never forget.
I woke up to go to the bathroom and when I was done I looked down at the staples pierced into my body, was overwhelmed with a quick flash of the Frankenstein(1931) movie that rushed through my mind, and then I started to cry and I cried so hard that I leaned against the bathroom wall and slid down to the floor and just bawled for about a good hour.
In the middle of all the sobbing, I remember mumbling "Jack, look what they did, look what has happened" and for what seemed like an eternity, but was actually only a few minutes, I remember being so goddamned angry at him for dying on me all over again. In those minutes I grew so resentful of him and the frustrations of the past - the feeding tubes that tangled or never worked right, emptying those damned bed pans, waiting for the medical supply place to retrieve the medical bed after he died. And I kept thinking over and over again "Who's gonna take care of me now?" I felt so alone, so scared. But as the crying lessened I remembered how when I use to lose my temper (me? get riled up? nahhhh...) he always use to say to me "Don't sweat it, it'll make you stronger for the next thing in your path" - and he was right. So I stopped feeling sorry for myself, grabbed the towel rack above my head, pulled myself up and started facing life again.
I don't smoke and I don't drink but after writing and re-reading that (remember, this baring your soul in written word is a new thing for me) boy, I sure could go for a half a pack of Carltons and an ice cold Coke right about now...
No part of battling any cancer is a joyride and there were other physical/emotional moments during that period of my life - but that one topped them all. I will cover the exact kind of cancer it was in a future posting(most of you have probaly already figured it out), but for everyone out there, both hiv'er and non-hiv'er, if you ever are diagnosed with any form of cancer, listen to what your medical team tells you and do your best to fight as hard as you can and remember to take it one day at a time. For now that's the best advice I can suggest to anyone. Thank you for reading.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment