This subject is a hotbed for any member of the LGBT community as well as Hiv+ community as well as..shit, everyone on the entire goddamn planet! How fitting that I chose to write it on a Sunday afternoon. A little sidenote before I get started.
I've noticed something about my writing - I'm not letting my HIV+ status affect it one iota; but, the real kicker is that I'm not doing it on purpose, it truly is happening all by itself. The majority of my experiences written in this blogspace do connect, even if indirectly, to my existence as an Hiv'er; but, not every single piece does and that's okay with me. I'm just going with the flow folks.
My problems with the organized religions of the world? I am fed up with people using the Bible as a means to justify hatred and castigation of one's fellow man. I read the entire Bible from stem to stern when I was 33 years old because I wanted to get the full gest of the bullshit that members of the LGBT community, as well as us Hiv'ers, are automatically going to hell because of their sexual orientation, or the Biblical version of that which is "perverse, sinful lifestyle" which by the way is nowhere mentioned in that book - those terms are NOT mentioned anywhere in that book, are we clear on this?
Yes, there are one or possibly two mentions of laws against "one man laying down with another man"; however, those "laws" were written during a history timeline when people didnt even know how to articulate what the hell homosexuality/lesbianism was to begin with. In addition to that, just as with everything else in the Bible, its writings are all based on PERSONAL INTERPRETATION. Do you know how many times that book has been interpreted since before the original Dead Sea scrolls were found? Exactly 5,972 times. No shit. It does not take an English major, nor a Theology major, nor even a friggin Rocket Scientist to realize that after that many translations, guess what? You answered right - there is gonna be more than one component "mistranslated"; in other words, "misunderstood."
The most recent discovery of the NEW Dead Sea scrolls revealed that they were written in Aramaic. Hmmm. Isnt that interesting? Did you know that Jesus spoke and wrote in Aramaic regularly? And that the first part of the Bible was written hundreds, if not thousands, of years BEFORE Jesus was even born? Kinda funny isn't it that these organized religions claim their actions are dictated directly via the Bible yet when asked about the Bible's timeline and its major inconsistences they trip over each other to emphatically state "Oh well, you gotta have faith." I believe in having faith too, but that doesnt mean the next time I do a Cucumber & Honey mask my face is automatically gonna look like Hedy Lamar's when I am finished, does it?
Am I the only person on the planet who finds it somewhat suspicious that every organized religion on the planet literally states that there is God, the Father, God, the Son and God, the Holy Spirit? Uhm, what about God, the Mother and God, the Kid Sister Named Trixie? I do believe in God and I do believe in Jesus (my Jewish friends would disagree but that's okay, we all have the right to believe what we choose) and even the Holy Spirit; but, here's where I have the problem.
Rather than state it, I'm gonna do a literary no-no and state it in question format - don't any of you find it extremely suspicious that everywhere in both biology and even history, every life form on the planet (with the exception of those creatures that are asexual such as the common earthworm) has had to have both a Male and Female counterpart to reproduce, yet that rule allegedly does not apply to the Bible? I'm not going to leave this to faith, sorry. Even in the book of Genesis it states that nobody popped out of anyone's crotch until Adam and Eve were created. So in essence, we're talking about a literal contradition aren't we?
This piece wasnt originally suppose to be about theology so let's get down to more specific real problems of the subject. The religions of the world need to stop preaching that it's acceptable to use the Bible as a means to not use your brain and your heart when it comes to making decisions. God gave us brains to use, not to be brainwashed by a book so old and so mistranslated that when you literally read in-between the lines, it is a very very immoral history book. I'm serious, this one and that one screwing 746 wives and having 1,780 children and 3,765 grandchildren - sorry Sparky, the world just doesn't work that way. When anyone uses the Bible as means to not think and to not have compassion and acceptance for your fellow human beings you not only hurt innocent people but you end up hurting yourself too, as well as spreading much unecessary hatred and contempt all over the planet.
And oh my God, this bullshit that all the problems of the universe are to be blamed on the Female race really really rubs my rhubarb the wrong way. I have never heard such a crock of purely unadulteratd bullshit in my entire existence. Has anyone ever thought, maybe for just one second, that Eve actually got bored in that garden and wanted to get out and develop her personality? No place to shop, no place to have a pedicure, no place to have a Dunkin Donuts coffee - why if I was her I woulda been ripping the bark off the Tree of Good-n-Evil, not just grabbing an apple or two off of it. I'm not kidding. Personally, I think that entire story was written by some assinine, chauvanistic pig who wasn't getting any at home and wanted to take his rage out on the rest of the world. And for those of you who think God is gonna damn me for saying any of this, sorry guys, you're a bit too late to register any goodhearted concern whatsoever.
Another problem I have with organized religion. I think it is extremely wrong for any parents to force religion down their childrens throats. Growing up, I was raised a Lutheran (oh that single word is a post unto itself) and every Sunday like clockwork, I "had" to go to church because it was the right thing to do. Oh yeah? Tell that to a small child who less than 5 minutes after entering the church, like clockwork every Sunday, started shaking and vomiting uncontrollably. I'm not shitting you, you all thought the pea-soup scene in "The Exorcist" was gross? Ha, only if you coulda seen me. And every time a church official or a doctor or therapist told my parents "Look, there is a problem here, you need to remove your child from the church and examine the situation" all my parents said in rebuttal was "Well, that's just the fear of God pushing the sin out of him, it's good for him."
Thank God I had grandparents that intervened when I turned 8 years old and said "You've gotta stop doing that to that kid, you're letting your religion get in the way of being good parents." My grandparents always minded their own business when it came to our family but, when it involved us grandkids, it was best to just back down from them, especially my Grandma. I think some of it had to do with the fact that after my brother died my Grandma became fiercely protective of me. Once again, thank God she made a stance and stood her ground. I never hadda normal family life with being a military brat anyways but that is another post...lol.
What do I think it was that caused me to get so physically ill in church? I've already figured it out yet I dont know how to explain it to any of you in any terms but these - some people just were not meant to be churchgoers and I am one of them. A more psychologically logical answer you prefer? When a small child is in an enclosed space such as a church and has some preacher yelling quite loudly "If you do not repent of your sins, you will be going to Hell!!! There is going to be a price to pay and you will pay it with your soul for all your nasty sins!!" it does something to their psyche, something very terrible, something very dark. Basically I think what happened is that as a small child I didnt know how to verbalize my fears of what I was experiencing so I internalized it and my inner consciousness rejected it in the form of hurling my guts out. I'm no Dr. Spock, but that's my educated guess.
I wont speak for my friends in Canada and the rest of the world on this one but I will speak for America on this one - our country has enough problems as it is right now without having the words "You are a SINNER!!!" being constantly pounded into their lives. We have joblessness, our crime rates are up, people are murdering their children left-n-right and then on top of it we need some big-mouthed fuckhead telling us every Sunday "And remember, in spite of everything you are a SINNER on TOP OF IT ALL!" Sorry, the American people have enough to deal with as it is, they do not need anymore negative, psychologically dentrimental garbage being jammed in their faces and down their throats than they already do. It's not only wrong, it defies the purpose of what real religion is suppose to really be - taking care of both yourself and your fellow human beings as well as the world you live in.
This next point is for all my white wiccan and pagan friends. In the movie "Orca" (1978 or '79?) the character played by Charlotte Rampling states that the brain of a Killer Whale contains - I'm not sure what the number was - either thousands or millions more pieces of seperate, intricate pieces of information than the Bible itself. If that is indeed true, and not just some movie line, it makes one ask which makes more sense - adhering to the principles of a religion based on an ancient misunderstood, mistranslated man-made book like the Bible or joining one of the many nature religions that exist in the world? Remember, just because something is man-made does not mean that it was spiritually inspired.
In closing, I realize that there are many people who receive great spiritual comfort from belonging to a religion of their choice, as well as attending church every Sunday. If you are in this group I'm very happy for you, I truly am because it means that that is making a positive difference in your lives and that is wonderful. And I'm not saying that you cant be celebratory or even gung-ho about your religion either. What I am saying is that for those of us who dont have the same experiences or feelings as you do, please don't be so quick to judge. Everything that happens in this world happens for a reason and the world religions are no exception to this universal rule. On that you can truly have faith in. Thank you for reading.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
On Canada - Saturday, June 5, 2010
Originally I was going to write a piece about revealing one of the few mysteries of my life but tonight, I wanna set that deep, personal stuff aside and turn my eyes due North to Canada. Actually, doing the original piece sort of ties in with Canada because the more I think of it, the more I can't get it off my mind.
For years now several of my acquaintances/friends from all over America have told me "Spice, you just gotta go there and check it out, you really do!" Oh I too think it's worth checking out but I never thought about it much beyond visiting. You all know that I despise the word/concept of alienation and I hope that this doesn't offend any of my fellow Americans but I have to be honest with myself - in the last couple of months that my prescence on Facebook has somewhat accelerated I've noticed that more and more of the people who have taken me in as a friend and/or confidante are not U.S. citizens - they're Canadian. And that tickles me to no end!
I've always thought the bullshit of people cracking jokes about Canada was just that - bullshit. I enjoy South Park too and I know every place on the planet gets made fun of in one way or another but Canada isn't some inferior territory that borders America like most comedians make it out to be.
One of the liberal elective courses I took in college that I just LOVED was, of all things, Canadian Culture & History, and not only did I ace the class (I love learning about new places, geography and all that good stuff! lol) but I educated everyone on the EMPRESS OF IRELAND diaster, which even most Canadians don't know about. In short, it was Canada's worst maritime disaster and most people aren't aware of it cause that summer World War I took place.
The only bad thing I have ever heard about Canada as a nation - and all you Canadian folks out there please correct me if I am wrong - is that it has severe problems with its national identity because the two largest groups, the British and the French, have a lot of issues with each other. Well, that doesn't make it a bad place and it's really not their fault, it's the fault of Great Britain and France that their national identity doesn't know which way to go. Even if any of that is true (and for me personally, it's not an issue of ethnic background, I just wanna know where all the available gay bachelors are!) I think Canada is a very fascinating place. And I don't want to go for just a quick visit - I'd would really like to check it out someday.
Peanut Butter and Jelly. I told a Canadian gentleman via messaging about it one day and I think he probaly thought "Combivir getting to you again Spice??" I'm serious, you Canadians have got the BEST Peanut Butter and Jelly on the entire planet!!! I mean it. Here in the States all we got is Jif and a few others to chose from; but, in Canada, your peanut butter is made by Kraft, Inc. and we can't get it anywhere here in the States because Kraft won't market it here! Ugh! And then on top of it, Kraft Strawberry Preserves and Red Raspberry Preserves - oh my God, I don't know what they put in that stuff but my Lord, it tastes like someone made it homade! I'm not kidding! Now that's not to say when I come there to visit I wanna Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwich (or in this case probaly two!!) for dinner but damn, I have got to get my hands on that Kraft Peanut Butter, it blows Jif, Skippy and Peter Pan right off the charts! Did everyone just get that? I made a funny!! That is the neatest thing about us blondes, we can amuse ourselves so easily!
Elissa Landi. An actress, poet and novelist. Her story needs to be told more often but I wanna hone in one angle of her existence. Of all the great, talented actresses of the 1930's that I have studied over my lifetime, get this - every time she went back to Canada to visit her family members, she was never once hounded. I'm serious. I've researched tons of microfiche archives on her over the years and NOT ONCE did the press harass her any time she came back to Canada to visit. Now I realize this is just once instance of this kinda thing happening, and I realize that Elissa and I exist(ed) generations apart from each other; but, it's got me thinking - is the Canadian press more respectful of people's privacy versus the American press?
I realize that Canada and America have both changed drastically since the 1930's (Canada being the more progressive of the two in certain areas), but wow, think of the possibilities. I'll make any of you a bottom dollar bet that I could come to Canada, unload all my secrets, all my mysteries, people would listen for a few days and then I think they would drop it. I know this probaly sounds irrational on my part, but it makes me wanna ask myself - would the Canadians even give a rat's ass about who I was involved with in my past, even LGBT Canadians with me having an indirect place in gay American history? Don't get me wrong, I haven't been studying you Canadians beneath a diabolical magnifying class but damn, you really are different from the Americans - but in my book, different in a good way, a kind, genuine, compassionate way.
All the above are just thoughts and ponderings on my part, perhaps even mere speculations if you will, but it does make my wheels spin a bit in my mind; but again, in a positive way. I wouldn't go as far as to say self-serving for let's face it, no matter who you are or where you live on our planet, every place has its good and not-so-good points. My mind is definitely made up about one thing though - I wanna visit Canada in the not-too-distant future, I wanna get a feel for the place and a feel for the people (no pun intended!). I just hope it's as welcoming as some of the fine, decent people whom I consider my friends who live there. Thank you for reading.
For years now several of my acquaintances/friends from all over America have told me "Spice, you just gotta go there and check it out, you really do!" Oh I too think it's worth checking out but I never thought about it much beyond visiting. You all know that I despise the word/concept of alienation and I hope that this doesn't offend any of my fellow Americans but I have to be honest with myself - in the last couple of months that my prescence on Facebook has somewhat accelerated I've noticed that more and more of the people who have taken me in as a friend and/or confidante are not U.S. citizens - they're Canadian. And that tickles me to no end!
I've always thought the bullshit of people cracking jokes about Canada was just that - bullshit. I enjoy South Park too and I know every place on the planet gets made fun of in one way or another but Canada isn't some inferior territory that borders America like most comedians make it out to be.
One of the liberal elective courses I took in college that I just LOVED was, of all things, Canadian Culture & History, and not only did I ace the class (I love learning about new places, geography and all that good stuff! lol) but I educated everyone on the EMPRESS OF IRELAND diaster, which even most Canadians don't know about. In short, it was Canada's worst maritime disaster and most people aren't aware of it cause that summer World War I took place.
The only bad thing I have ever heard about Canada as a nation - and all you Canadian folks out there please correct me if I am wrong - is that it has severe problems with its national identity because the two largest groups, the British and the French, have a lot of issues with each other. Well, that doesn't make it a bad place and it's really not their fault, it's the fault of Great Britain and France that their national identity doesn't know which way to go. Even if any of that is true (and for me personally, it's not an issue of ethnic background, I just wanna know where all the available gay bachelors are!) I think Canada is a very fascinating place. And I don't want to go for just a quick visit - I'd would really like to check it out someday.
Peanut Butter and Jelly. I told a Canadian gentleman via messaging about it one day and I think he probaly thought "Combivir getting to you again Spice??" I'm serious, you Canadians have got the BEST Peanut Butter and Jelly on the entire planet!!! I mean it. Here in the States all we got is Jif and a few others to chose from; but, in Canada, your peanut butter is made by Kraft, Inc. and we can't get it anywhere here in the States because Kraft won't market it here! Ugh! And then on top of it, Kraft Strawberry Preserves and Red Raspberry Preserves - oh my God, I don't know what they put in that stuff but my Lord, it tastes like someone made it homade! I'm not kidding! Now that's not to say when I come there to visit I wanna Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwich (or in this case probaly two!!) for dinner but damn, I have got to get my hands on that Kraft Peanut Butter, it blows Jif, Skippy and Peter Pan right off the charts! Did everyone just get that? I made a funny!! That is the neatest thing about us blondes, we can amuse ourselves so easily!
Elissa Landi. An actress, poet and novelist. Her story needs to be told more often but I wanna hone in one angle of her existence. Of all the great, talented actresses of the 1930's that I have studied over my lifetime, get this - every time she went back to Canada to visit her family members, she was never once hounded. I'm serious. I've researched tons of microfiche archives on her over the years and NOT ONCE did the press harass her any time she came back to Canada to visit. Now I realize this is just once instance of this kinda thing happening, and I realize that Elissa and I exist(ed) generations apart from each other; but, it's got me thinking - is the Canadian press more respectful of people's privacy versus the American press?
I realize that Canada and America have both changed drastically since the 1930's (Canada being the more progressive of the two in certain areas), but wow, think of the possibilities. I'll make any of you a bottom dollar bet that I could come to Canada, unload all my secrets, all my mysteries, people would listen for a few days and then I think they would drop it. I know this probaly sounds irrational on my part, but it makes me wanna ask myself - would the Canadians even give a rat's ass about who I was involved with in my past, even LGBT Canadians with me having an indirect place in gay American history? Don't get me wrong, I haven't been studying you Canadians beneath a diabolical magnifying class but damn, you really are different from the Americans - but in my book, different in a good way, a kind, genuine, compassionate way.
All the above are just thoughts and ponderings on my part, perhaps even mere speculations if you will, but it does make my wheels spin a bit in my mind; but again, in a positive way. I wouldn't go as far as to say self-serving for let's face it, no matter who you are or where you live on our planet, every place has its good and not-so-good points. My mind is definitely made up about one thing though - I wanna visit Canada in the not-too-distant future, I wanna get a feel for the place and a feel for the people (no pun intended!). I just hope it's as welcoming as some of the fine, decent people whom I consider my friends who live there. Thank you for reading.
Friday, June 4, 2010
On Larry Kramer - Friday, June 4, 2010
Several days I ago I read an article on the Poz.com website on Larry Kramer and his current battle with the GMHC. The author of the piece, Sean Strub, described Larry Kramer's powerful invective abilities akin to a whirlwind, a giant hurricane of anger and fury. He practically painted Mr. Kramer as this titanic, uncontrollable, unstopable turbine of hellfire, which Mr. Kramer definitely is; BUT, what Mr. Strub didn't add in is that not only does almost every single one of Mr. Kramer's battles end in a glorious victory championing the rights of all us Hiv'ers, as well as the overall LGBT community, but he demonstrates over and over again that he is not only the unchallenged King of Hiv/AIDS activism, but without him, the majority of today's Hiv/AIDS activists wouldn't even be in existence.
Oh I know, I know, that's a hard pill for any of you to swallow, let alone digest; but, it is without a shadow of a doubt, the full and utter truth. I'm not trying to cast judgement on any of my fellow activists, I validate that the majority of you have busted your asses (and in some cases your moneypockets) in launching your websites, your blogs, your fundraisers, etc. etc.,; but, there's a couple of points where most of you need a major reality check on.
But before I get started on that, there is one point I want to make upfront right away. The main difference, as well as the explanation for Larry Kramer's longevity and reslience on the neverending battlefront, between him and the rest of you is this - his human compassion for his fellow human being, and NOT just this one or that one, BUT EVERYONE. That is EXACTLY where some of you are fucking up.
The reality checks..I already hit on the 1st problem of my fellow activists - your flagrant inability to include every Hiv'er on your team. Hey guys, there isn't a damn thing wrong with stating "Well, we are covering this or that segment of the battle and here's how we are doing it...", that's great, but when you create your decadent, prepubescent cliques and start stating "Well, you have to be this way or that way in order to be a member" you're alienating all the regular folks out there who may not be fortunate enough to wave wands of publicity and self-righteousness like some of you do. It's wrong and it needs to stop.
The 2nd reality check...do you wanna know why the only thing that's keeping any of your "organizations" going is the 24-hour-a-day-7-days-a-week publicity mills that you've all created? Very simple answer. You do not know how to fight. You're all so goddamn busy with the glamourization of this disease that in the process you've lost your ability to connect directly with the human element of it all. When you thirst for fame, eventually that fame becomes shallow and meaningless; but, when you alienate others along the way, that's even more dentrimental to your various causes because you're hurting people along the way - and that's not right either.
What do I think you all need to do? Refocus yourselves. Start connecting with those who have been around longer than you, people like Larry Kramer, for there is so much we can learn from our elder, seasoned Hiv'ers. Stop with the glamourization of Hiv/AIDS - there are a few or more of you that are setting an extremely poor, unrealistic example for the younger LGBT generations to follow. It's like you're saying to them "See, if you get this disease like me, you can become famous like me, have enough money for all your meds, have a nice home, travel the world and you can be included in our group!" Yeah, influencing others to walk a gangplank that not one of us would ever be on if we had that second chance. Yep, that makes a lot of
sense, doesnt it?
I'm curious - while all these self-serving glitterdomes of fantasy are sprouting up left-n-right, what are any of you doing for the everyday Hiv'er? What about the Hiv'ers that can't afford their meds? What about the Hiv'ers who have children and have lost their jobs and cant afford to pay their bills? Or even afford housing? Oh you'll all make it known that you are standing up for this cause and that cause, but a few of you aren't even getting off your asses to do anything about it.
And now for the biggest question of all - and oh God I would love to hear all of your answers to this question because whatta helluva pip of explanations that would be. Here it is....what are you going to do when you fall? I mean it, I wanna know, how are you gonna handle it? There are several of you who actually have the nerve to think you are invincible. Oh really? If you think that all your public fame and boo-koo bucks that you're bringing in for yourselves is gonna prevent this disease from knocking you down here-n-there, you are very fucken sadly mistaken. Yet when you do fall, when you get really really sick the first few times, trust me, you're gonna wish all those people you counted out of your circles will be there to do something to help. I'll be there for anyone because that's the type of person I am, but please, I implore of each and every one of you to heed my warning on all of this. I wouldn't say it if I didnt genuinely care.
No, I'm not saying that I am the world's greatest Hiv/AIDS activist out there, be-cause I'm not, I have a lot to learn and much to do; nor am I wishing any of you to fall deathly ill. I just wanna make it very clear in no uncertain terms that you need to keep your human touch with those around you intact, you need to be realistic that what we're all fighting against isn't a round after round of fun-n-games, but pure reality.
Larry Kramer was and is someone I admired and yes, even thought of as a hero, years before I even tested Hiv+ and I suspect I will look up to him till my last breath is gone. But you see, he sets an example not just as someone who is a relentless, true fighter that never gives up; but, also someone whom is genuinely compassionate towards his fellow human beings. The side of him that you dont see mentioned in editorials such as the one Mr. Strub published is the side that is loving, fiercely loyal to his friends, filled with great strength of character and committed, always, to making a difference in the lives of others.
One of the several things that someone whom was very close to me told me several days before he died was, believe it or not, this - "If Larry Kramer ever needs an extra soldier I want you to go volunteer." I looked at him, crying and laughing in the same breath and said "Are you fucking kidding me? What the hell would Larry Kramer want with a nobody like me?" And he told me something that perhaps I should have told all of you rather than even writing this mini-epistle - "Because everyone counts." If we all can remember this, I think we're all gonna be okay. Maybe not but I sure would like to rest easy at night knowing that I'm a member of one very formidable team. Thank you for reading.
Oh I know, I know, that's a hard pill for any of you to swallow, let alone digest; but, it is without a shadow of a doubt, the full and utter truth. I'm not trying to cast judgement on any of my fellow activists, I validate that the majority of you have busted your asses (and in some cases your moneypockets) in launching your websites, your blogs, your fundraisers, etc. etc.,; but, there's a couple of points where most of you need a major reality check on.
But before I get started on that, there is one point I want to make upfront right away. The main difference, as well as the explanation for Larry Kramer's longevity and reslience on the neverending battlefront, between him and the rest of you is this - his human compassion for his fellow human being, and NOT just this one or that one, BUT EVERYONE. That is EXACTLY where some of you are fucking up.
The reality checks..I already hit on the 1st problem of my fellow activists - your flagrant inability to include every Hiv'er on your team. Hey guys, there isn't a damn thing wrong with stating "Well, we are covering this or that segment of the battle and here's how we are doing it...", that's great, but when you create your decadent, prepubescent cliques and start stating "Well, you have to be this way or that way in order to be a member" you're alienating all the regular folks out there who may not be fortunate enough to wave wands of publicity and self-righteousness like some of you do. It's wrong and it needs to stop.
The 2nd reality check...do you wanna know why the only thing that's keeping any of your "organizations" going is the 24-hour-a-day-7-days-a-week publicity mills that you've all created? Very simple answer. You do not know how to fight. You're all so goddamn busy with the glamourization of this disease that in the process you've lost your ability to connect directly with the human element of it all. When you thirst for fame, eventually that fame becomes shallow and meaningless; but, when you alienate others along the way, that's even more dentrimental to your various causes because you're hurting people along the way - and that's not right either.
What do I think you all need to do? Refocus yourselves. Start connecting with those who have been around longer than you, people like Larry Kramer, for there is so much we can learn from our elder, seasoned Hiv'ers. Stop with the glamourization of Hiv/AIDS - there are a few or more of you that are setting an extremely poor, unrealistic example for the younger LGBT generations to follow. It's like you're saying to them "See, if you get this disease like me, you can become famous like me, have enough money for all your meds, have a nice home, travel the world and you can be included in our group!" Yeah, influencing others to walk a gangplank that not one of us would ever be on if we had that second chance. Yep, that makes a lot of
sense, doesnt it?
I'm curious - while all these self-serving glitterdomes of fantasy are sprouting up left-n-right, what are any of you doing for the everyday Hiv'er? What about the Hiv'ers that can't afford their meds? What about the Hiv'ers who have children and have lost their jobs and cant afford to pay their bills? Or even afford housing? Oh you'll all make it known that you are standing up for this cause and that cause, but a few of you aren't even getting off your asses to do anything about it.
And now for the biggest question of all - and oh God I would love to hear all of your answers to this question because whatta helluva pip of explanations that would be. Here it is....what are you going to do when you fall? I mean it, I wanna know, how are you gonna handle it? There are several of you who actually have the nerve to think you are invincible. Oh really? If you think that all your public fame and boo-koo bucks that you're bringing in for yourselves is gonna prevent this disease from knocking you down here-n-there, you are very fucken sadly mistaken. Yet when you do fall, when you get really really sick the first few times, trust me, you're gonna wish all those people you counted out of your circles will be there to do something to help. I'll be there for anyone because that's the type of person I am, but please, I implore of each and every one of you to heed my warning on all of this. I wouldn't say it if I didnt genuinely care.
No, I'm not saying that I am the world's greatest Hiv/AIDS activist out there, be-cause I'm not, I have a lot to learn and much to do; nor am I wishing any of you to fall deathly ill. I just wanna make it very clear in no uncertain terms that you need to keep your human touch with those around you intact, you need to be realistic that what we're all fighting against isn't a round after round of fun-n-games, but pure reality.
Larry Kramer was and is someone I admired and yes, even thought of as a hero, years before I even tested Hiv+ and I suspect I will look up to him till my last breath is gone. But you see, he sets an example not just as someone who is a relentless, true fighter that never gives up; but, also someone whom is genuinely compassionate towards his fellow human beings. The side of him that you dont see mentioned in editorials such as the one Mr. Strub published is the side that is loving, fiercely loyal to his friends, filled with great strength of character and committed, always, to making a difference in the lives of others.
One of the several things that someone whom was very close to me told me several days before he died was, believe it or not, this - "If Larry Kramer ever needs an extra soldier I want you to go volunteer." I looked at him, crying and laughing in the same breath and said "Are you fucking kidding me? What the hell would Larry Kramer want with a nobody like me?" And he told me something that perhaps I should have told all of you rather than even writing this mini-epistle - "Because everyone counts." If we all can remember this, I think we're all gonna be okay. Maybe not but I sure would like to rest easy at night knowing that I'm a member of one very formidable team. Thank you for reading.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Reflections On Yesterday's Postings - Thurs., June 3, 2010
I'm still not sure I did the right thing about coming out on the Herpes issue in my most recent postings, and maybe that's because I'm still not done dealing with it. My medical team and I have yet to nail down what we are fighting and whether or not our current battleplan against it is gonna be the magic bullet. I may do updates on this from time to time.
Looking back on what I wrote I did have to laugh about admitting that I'm not the most sexually active gay man/Hiv'er on the planet. Over the years people have actually asked me "Are you sure you're gay? You just don't have the same sexual habits of the average gay guy." This may be true but after all these years, I still disagree with the stereotype that all gay men are ravenous, vampire-like creatures with insatiable, sexual appetites. Oh sure, I know for a fact that some of my fellow gay brothers are that way; but, I still think that kinda thing varies from person to person.
And even though I am openminded to meeting new people and dating, I don't believe people should be "easy" and there are A LOT of gay men out there who most emphatically disagree with me on my stance. Most of them have told me "Well, on a first date you can at least give the guy a blowjob." My response to that is "Really? Got news for ya there Sparky, nothing of anyone's body is going anywhere in my body until I know them fairly well." No, I am not a cocktease, nor a player, I'm just doing what I feel comfortable with and I think everyone should have that right. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy deep, meaningful sex just like anyone else does; but, I also have learned over the years that there is more to life than just sex.
One guy I went with on one date several years ago actually became quite belligerent towards me regarding the issue of when or when not to have sex with someone who've just met. I'll never forget his exact words "Jesus Christ! This is not the 1950's and you are not fucken Gidget, so just put out!" I just looked at him, laughed (it's better than screaming), opened my mouth and the first words that came to mind flew out, "Fuck you Sparky" and that was the end of that. I'm sure we all have had first dates that have gone awry but I still think the bottom line is that if you don't feel comfortable doing something with someone you're not sure about, don't do it. It won't be the end of the world, there will always be other opportunities out there.
I'm extremely nervous about my upcoming surgery on the 8th, almost to the point where I just MIGHT have to have at least one cigarette beforehand. I'm doing my best to resist but I just don't know. Last year's surgery was a success and I must keep believing this year's will be too. Just think - for the first time in a over 1 year I will be able to walk normal again like normal people, be able to take walks, do some hiking, exercise on a daily basis - all the normal things that everyone I know gets to do. That's the main purpose of the surgery to begin with.
But then I keep thinking of that damned cancer period of mine and all those crazy, negative thoughts start rushing through my head - what if there are complications? What if I lose a few months of my life all over again? But I have to do this, there's so much to look forward to in the future, ya know? Not just daily activities but I wanna be able to make myself present in some of the Pride events next year, I wanna be able to walk with people - and not with my gimpish right leg either - a nice normal leg, strong and in good shape. I wanna walk with Pride and as corny as it sounds (no one has ever commented on that posting about my jacket, do you think they think it's a joke? Oh well, they can just "fech off!" lol) I wanna be wearing my Spice Jacket when I do - it deserves to be shown proudly in the light of day - and so do I, so do all of us. Thank you for reading.
Looking back on what I wrote I did have to laugh about admitting that I'm not the most sexually active gay man/Hiv'er on the planet. Over the years people have actually asked me "Are you sure you're gay? You just don't have the same sexual habits of the average gay guy." This may be true but after all these years, I still disagree with the stereotype that all gay men are ravenous, vampire-like creatures with insatiable, sexual appetites. Oh sure, I know for a fact that some of my fellow gay brothers are that way; but, I still think that kinda thing varies from person to person.
And even though I am openminded to meeting new people and dating, I don't believe people should be "easy" and there are A LOT of gay men out there who most emphatically disagree with me on my stance. Most of them have told me "Well, on a first date you can at least give the guy a blowjob." My response to that is "Really? Got news for ya there Sparky, nothing of anyone's body is going anywhere in my body until I know them fairly well." No, I am not a cocktease, nor a player, I'm just doing what I feel comfortable with and I think everyone should have that right. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy deep, meaningful sex just like anyone else does; but, I also have learned over the years that there is more to life than just sex.
One guy I went with on one date several years ago actually became quite belligerent towards me regarding the issue of when or when not to have sex with someone who've just met. I'll never forget his exact words "Jesus Christ! This is not the 1950's and you are not fucken Gidget, so just put out!" I just looked at him, laughed (it's better than screaming), opened my mouth and the first words that came to mind flew out, "Fuck you Sparky" and that was the end of that. I'm sure we all have had first dates that have gone awry but I still think the bottom line is that if you don't feel comfortable doing something with someone you're not sure about, don't do it. It won't be the end of the world, there will always be other opportunities out there.
I'm extremely nervous about my upcoming surgery on the 8th, almost to the point where I just MIGHT have to have at least one cigarette beforehand. I'm doing my best to resist but I just don't know. Last year's surgery was a success and I must keep believing this year's will be too. Just think - for the first time in a over 1 year I will be able to walk normal again like normal people, be able to take walks, do some hiking, exercise on a daily basis - all the normal things that everyone I know gets to do. That's the main purpose of the surgery to begin with.
But then I keep thinking of that damned cancer period of mine and all those crazy, negative thoughts start rushing through my head - what if there are complications? What if I lose a few months of my life all over again? But I have to do this, there's so much to look forward to in the future, ya know? Not just daily activities but I wanna be able to make myself present in some of the Pride events next year, I wanna be able to walk with people - and not with my gimpish right leg either - a nice normal leg, strong and in good shape. I wanna walk with Pride and as corny as it sounds (no one has ever commented on that posting about my jacket, do you think they think it's a joke? Oh well, they can just "fech off!" lol) I wanna be wearing my Spice Jacket when I do - it deserves to be shown proudly in the light of day - and so do I, so do all of us. Thank you for reading.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
All This..and Herpes Too (Part 3) - Wednesday, June 2, 2010
I'm not going to give the whole scoop on the guy I contracted the Herpes from, even though there are a couple of humorous angles about the entire situation that I might include, because outting him for lying to me isn't going to solve anything, let alone take away the Herpes. Originally I was going to write a piece about him and title it "What Do We Do When The Other Person Doesn't Disclose To Us Hiv'ers?" but that too won't solve anything and plus it'd be downright childish.
Here's a run-down of my relationship with him. We met in a grocery store (I know, I never thought that kinda thing would ever ever happen to me either!) and dated for about 3 months. The relationship ended when I caught him cheating on me, but it would've ended anyways because we obviously didn't want the same things in a relationship, the key word here being obviously, naturally. Did I love him? Yes, for awhile there I thought I did but he obviously wasn't looking for that.
In the last couple months of my life a friend or two have said to me "OMG, why don't you out the sonnuvabitch?? Don't you want to warn others about him so he stops spreading it??" Yes, sure, I don't want him giving anyone else Herpes either but me reading him the riot act - which by the way, I did just that when I confronted him and he lied to me - is not going to change his behavior, that's up to him to change his behavior.
As for outting him what the hell is that gonna prove? Yes, what he did to me was beyond inexcusable but let's not kid ourselves, he didnt force me to hop in the sack with him, that was my own decision. And destroying another human being's life? Doing something malicious to him - hell, to anyone for that matter - is not going to solve the problem. I have this extra disease to deal with and as physically painful as it gets at times, I have to learn new ways to deal with it and live my life as best as I can. That's how you "get even" with those who do you wrong - live the best, healthiest, happiest life you possibly can.
As I've said before I have no specific "type" of man that I date and it so happens to be that he was the first Jewish guy I ever became involved with. For myself, a person's religion or spirituality is immaterial, as long as it doesn't involve harming people, animals or any other living creature I am okay with it.
One of the funniest aspects of the situation was where we met - in the kosher meat section of the local grocery store! It's true. To this day I cannot pass by a kosher meat section in any grocery store without blushing and thinking about all the filthy things he use to whisper to me when we were shopping! Another humorous - and defnitely most ironic - part about our entire involvement is that all the while we were together I would say to myself every now and then, "Oh, I just know God is gonna punish me for sleeping with a Holy Man, I just know it!" or "Watch, I'll get one of those "bad girl" diseases from the 1950's, the ones they talked about in those black-n-white, 16 mm films!" I'm not always right about everything in my life but those 2 comments that I would say to myself proved to be accurate premonitions. Where is Alanis Morrissette when you need her, ya know?
One other thing. The following did not have any bearing on how I felt about him as a person but looking back I can now see why a couple of friends suggested outting him. Rabbi's are suppose to be the mainstay of their local Jewish community networks, especially if you're an Orthodox Jew. However, it's also a known fact Orthodox Jews (at least here in the States) are fiercely anti-gay. So here's the greatest oxymoron of this entire story - I was involved with a closeted Orthodox Jewish Rabbi who not only led a double-life but left a calling card I will have to live with for the rest of my life. However, I know the following and I would hope you all do too - his dishonest actions towards me were a result of his person, not his religious affiliation.
Switching gears. I'm gonna recant using people's real names in any future posts because I look at it this way - this blog is mine, my sole property and I shall use it any way I choose to. As far as I know, it's not illegal to write about anyone or anything you want, with of course those one or two rare exceptions. Be that as it may, I won't say the name of the next person I'm going to speak about - you guys can track it down on the Facebook posts if you want, it shouldn't be difficult - because even though I may still ask folks for their blessing when I deem it appropriate in this case, it's immaterial at this point in time.
About a month or two back I was posting a comment on one of the Facebook posts a friend of mine made, nothing out of the ordinary; but, a couple hours later I noticed a comment appeared beneath my comment. The exact words were "HivSpice? Now THAT's funny! YAY!!!" Now as a mature, rational adult I simply reminded myself that with my Spice nic there were probaly gonna be some non-flattering comments here-n-there. However, I too am allowed to have my bad days and my bitchy days, I am no stranger to opening up and telling it like it is. And though I felt my canine teeth sprout an extra inch and my nails started to look like the Wolfman's, all I said in return was "And I find you equally amusing! YAY!!!" It really was meant to be more funny than anything and nothing really came of it beyond that, except a good friend did politely, not negatively, defend my name.
Ironically, as is always the case in my life, the guy who mouthed off about my name is also the same exact guy who not only came out as an open Hiv'er not too long ago, BUT also was dual-diagnosed as also having - you guessed it - Herpes. I ask you, what are the chances of THAT happening?
In between the name comment and the most recent development he had gone to press seperately on other things and I did even write him a little note telling him directly that I was sincerely proud of his story and that I hoped I had the same courage he did when my time comes to do the same thing. He never wrote back. And that's okay, I'm not pissin-n-moanin about that, it's just that now that I think about it, wow, he and I could probaly exchange notes and who knows, maybe even become genuine friends, maybe even lend a shoulder to each other when needed. But, I guess this is one of those times when people can't overlook what I like to call the petty chickenshit in life. Maybe he will someday but in the meantime I have to take care of myself first, in that sense, I think we all do. Thanks for reading everyone.
P.S. Just because I am living in Boston right now does not mean everything I write about has happened to me here. Why? Because it hasn't.
Here's a run-down of my relationship with him. We met in a grocery store (I know, I never thought that kinda thing would ever ever happen to me either!) and dated for about 3 months. The relationship ended when I caught him cheating on me, but it would've ended anyways because we obviously didn't want the same things in a relationship, the key word here being obviously, naturally. Did I love him? Yes, for awhile there I thought I did but he obviously wasn't looking for that.
In the last couple months of my life a friend or two have said to me "OMG, why don't you out the sonnuvabitch?? Don't you want to warn others about him so he stops spreading it??" Yes, sure, I don't want him giving anyone else Herpes either but me reading him the riot act - which by the way, I did just that when I confronted him and he lied to me - is not going to change his behavior, that's up to him to change his behavior.
As for outting him what the hell is that gonna prove? Yes, what he did to me was beyond inexcusable but let's not kid ourselves, he didnt force me to hop in the sack with him, that was my own decision. And destroying another human being's life? Doing something malicious to him - hell, to anyone for that matter - is not going to solve the problem. I have this extra disease to deal with and as physically painful as it gets at times, I have to learn new ways to deal with it and live my life as best as I can. That's how you "get even" with those who do you wrong - live the best, healthiest, happiest life you possibly can.
As I've said before I have no specific "type" of man that I date and it so happens to be that he was the first Jewish guy I ever became involved with. For myself, a person's religion or spirituality is immaterial, as long as it doesn't involve harming people, animals or any other living creature I am okay with it.
One of the funniest aspects of the situation was where we met - in the kosher meat section of the local grocery store! It's true. To this day I cannot pass by a kosher meat section in any grocery store without blushing and thinking about all the filthy things he use to whisper to me when we were shopping! Another humorous - and defnitely most ironic - part about our entire involvement is that all the while we were together I would say to myself every now and then, "Oh, I just know God is gonna punish me for sleeping with a Holy Man, I just know it!" or "Watch, I'll get one of those "bad girl" diseases from the 1950's, the ones they talked about in those black-n-white, 16 mm films!" I'm not always right about everything in my life but those 2 comments that I would say to myself proved to be accurate premonitions. Where is Alanis Morrissette when you need her, ya know?
One other thing. The following did not have any bearing on how I felt about him as a person but looking back I can now see why a couple of friends suggested outting him. Rabbi's are suppose to be the mainstay of their local Jewish community networks, especially if you're an Orthodox Jew. However, it's also a known fact Orthodox Jews (at least here in the States) are fiercely anti-gay. So here's the greatest oxymoron of this entire story - I was involved with a closeted Orthodox Jewish Rabbi who not only led a double-life but left a calling card I will have to live with for the rest of my life. However, I know the following and I would hope you all do too - his dishonest actions towards me were a result of his person, not his religious affiliation.
Switching gears. I'm gonna recant using people's real names in any future posts because I look at it this way - this blog is mine, my sole property and I shall use it any way I choose to. As far as I know, it's not illegal to write about anyone or anything you want, with of course those one or two rare exceptions. Be that as it may, I won't say the name of the next person I'm going to speak about - you guys can track it down on the Facebook posts if you want, it shouldn't be difficult - because even though I may still ask folks for their blessing when I deem it appropriate in this case, it's immaterial at this point in time.
About a month or two back I was posting a comment on one of the Facebook posts a friend of mine made, nothing out of the ordinary; but, a couple hours later I noticed a comment appeared beneath my comment. The exact words were "HivSpice? Now THAT's funny! YAY!!!" Now as a mature, rational adult I simply reminded myself that with my Spice nic there were probaly gonna be some non-flattering comments here-n-there. However, I too am allowed to have my bad days and my bitchy days, I am no stranger to opening up and telling it like it is. And though I felt my canine teeth sprout an extra inch and my nails started to look like the Wolfman's, all I said in return was "And I find you equally amusing! YAY!!!" It really was meant to be more funny than anything and nothing really came of it beyond that, except a good friend did politely, not negatively, defend my name.
Ironically, as is always the case in my life, the guy who mouthed off about my name is also the same exact guy who not only came out as an open Hiv'er not too long ago, BUT also was dual-diagnosed as also having - you guessed it - Herpes. I ask you, what are the chances of THAT happening?
In between the name comment and the most recent development he had gone to press seperately on other things and I did even write him a little note telling him directly that I was sincerely proud of his story and that I hoped I had the same courage he did when my time comes to do the same thing. He never wrote back. And that's okay, I'm not pissin-n-moanin about that, it's just that now that I think about it, wow, he and I could probaly exchange notes and who knows, maybe even become genuine friends, maybe even lend a shoulder to each other when needed. But, I guess this is one of those times when people can't overlook what I like to call the petty chickenshit in life. Maybe he will someday but in the meantime I have to take care of myself first, in that sense, I think we all do. Thanks for reading everyone.
P.S. Just because I am living in Boston right now does not mean everything I write about has happened to me here. Why? Because it hasn't.
All This...and Herpes Too (Part 2) - Wednesday, June 2, 2010
I couldn't figure out where I got it from, seriously. I kept doing research and finally found out that even though the majority of Herpes cases usually surface within 3 to 6 months (or longer) after infection, like HIV, the dormancy period can be YEARS; and, that 80% of the North American population has it and doesn't even know it because they have no symptons of the disease. Plus, on top of it all, get this - there is no safe-sex preventative measure to stop the spread of Herpes! No lie. Even if you're NOT having an outbreak you can spread it by mere skin-to-skin sexual contact. Condoms are great (never 100% foolproof though) but condoms can't stop the spread of Herpes.
In other words, Herpes is alot like what I call my HIV - "the Christmas gift that never stops giving all year round, year after year." I'm going to keep researching all of this but I am dead serious about my inquiry in Part 1 - what does this mean for me, and others, who are in this boat? Does it mean we should only date others who have Herpes also? If so, that sure will make me a hypocrite (a classification I have never had my entire life) about the piece I wrote on Hiv+ versus Hiv-, won't it? I guess I'll have to figure it out along the way.
The very few people who have known about it before this posting asked me "What does it look and feel like?" The best way to describe it is this - physically, it looks like teeny tiny white bumps, sorta like an acne breakout that got way out of control. On me personally, it still scares me and I still cry about it from time to time because quite frankly, I'm extremely protective over my last remaining testicle, sorta the way a mother is protective over a child. If it's doing anything that both my doctors and myself are unaware of, I'm gonna be one very pissed off individual.
Oh, what it feels like is this - at least on us males, I assume females who have it might experience similiarities - the full outbreak itself is like a burning sensation that never stops; but, usually will stop within a few hours of taking the 1st dose of medication. You can always tell an outbreak is coming because it feels like little, teeny tiny pings or pops of Vick's Vapo-Rub is popping up all over your crotch. That's the best way to describe it. The trick is this - the second a person feels ANY tingling sensation, pop the pills right away and that way it will lessen the length of the outbreak. Well at least for most people, not yours truly.
I traced back my sexual history and naturally, I got this from sexual activity. But, here's the kicker - I disclosed my HIV history to him but he obviously didn't disclose his Herpes to me. And, when I confronted him about it, he lied to me. How do I know for sure it was him? Hate to tell all my personal secrets, but as much as I love sex, I don't get it too often. My Herpes remained dormant for exactly 1 year and 3 months - because that was the last time I was sexually active with anyone.
Get ready, ole' Spicer is making blog history - Part # 3, a first for me, coming soon. Thanks for reading.
In other words, Herpes is alot like what I call my HIV - "the Christmas gift that never stops giving all year round, year after year." I'm going to keep researching all of this but I am dead serious about my inquiry in Part 1 - what does this mean for me, and others, who are in this boat? Does it mean we should only date others who have Herpes also? If so, that sure will make me a hypocrite (a classification I have never had my entire life) about the piece I wrote on Hiv+ versus Hiv-, won't it? I guess I'll have to figure it out along the way.
The very few people who have known about it before this posting asked me "What does it look and feel like?" The best way to describe it is this - physically, it looks like teeny tiny white bumps, sorta like an acne breakout that got way out of control. On me personally, it still scares me and I still cry about it from time to time because quite frankly, I'm extremely protective over my last remaining testicle, sorta the way a mother is protective over a child. If it's doing anything that both my doctors and myself are unaware of, I'm gonna be one very pissed off individual.
Oh, what it feels like is this - at least on us males, I assume females who have it might experience similiarities - the full outbreak itself is like a burning sensation that never stops; but, usually will stop within a few hours of taking the 1st dose of medication. You can always tell an outbreak is coming because it feels like little, teeny tiny pings or pops of Vick's Vapo-Rub is popping up all over your crotch. That's the best way to describe it. The trick is this - the second a person feels ANY tingling sensation, pop the pills right away and that way it will lessen the length of the outbreak. Well at least for most people, not yours truly.
I traced back my sexual history and naturally, I got this from sexual activity. But, here's the kicker - I disclosed my HIV history to him but he obviously didn't disclose his Herpes to me. And, when I confronted him about it, he lied to me. How do I know for sure it was him? Hate to tell all my personal secrets, but as much as I love sex, I don't get it too often. My Herpes remained dormant for exactly 1 year and 3 months - because that was the last time I was sexually active with anyone.
Get ready, ole' Spicer is making blog history - Part # 3, a first for me, coming soon. Thanks for reading.
All This...and Herpes Too (Part 1)- Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Believe it or not, even as I'm sitting down to write this piece I am still debating on how to go about it - do I just write the Herpes angle of it or do I write the human side of the story? Can I integrate it all without writing something as large as the sequel book to "Gone With The Wind?" Guess we'll find out. This is gonna be long so get the coffee, the Vienna Fingers and if you smoke, will you please have 2 or 3 for me? God it's no wonder that Lillian Hellman and Dashiel Hammett smoked 3 and a half to 4 packs PER DAY when writing! Now I finally understand why...
It was early in the morning of February 20th, 2010, sometime between 3:30 and 4:00 a.m., when I woke up groaning loudly in severe pain! Being more than halfway asleep at first I thought "Oh great, the flat is on fire and after surviving this nasty disease this long I'm gonna end up a human matchstick, just my friggin luck!" because I thought my body was on fire. Lo and behold, close but no cigar - thank God. I felt around and it was my crotch - my crotch was on fire! Or so it felt! At first I mused to myself "Did somebody let Dino DiMarco in the room and no one told me???"
I got up outta my bed and attempted to walk, but I could not do so without being in extremely excruciating pain. Oh you guys, it was so bad I literally hollered upward "Is this some kind of sick joke on your part???" I didnt know what to do and it wasn't getting any better. I even tried a special cream that us testicular cancer survivors have to apply anytime we get any kind of an infection down-you-know-where. Waited a half hour. That didn't work. So, rather than call an ambulance or take the T, I called up for a cab and off I went to the ER.
When I got there and was finally seen by the ER doctor he said to me "Did you notice these little white bumps on your scrotum?" and instantly, with my medical history I jumped to the wrong conclusion and thought "Oh fucken great, the cancer is back and now it's on the other testicle!!!" Funny how irrational a person can get in those mighty medical moments. I told him no and his words were, literally "I hate to tell you this with your medical history but Mr.________, you have Genital Herpes." I looked at him and I dont know if it was an anxiety release or not but I started laughing uncontrollably and my exact words were "Are you fucking kidding me? Are you trying to tell me that I ended up in the ER because I have a new STD??" He knew I was using humor to try to diffuse the emotional shock of the situation and laughed with me. But I just couldn't believe it. He prescribed some medication for me and before I left said to me "I'm so sorry Mr. ________" and I just laughed and said "You're sorry? Do you know how hard it is for someone like me to get a date? Think what this is gonna do to my social life Sweethaht!" We both laughed and then I cried all the way home in the cab.
Since that morning I have been on the medication I was prescribed non-stop. I'm still learning about this horrible Herpes thing and I don't have all the answers for myself yet, nor can I tell you much about it outside of my own personal experience. But here's the kicker with me - mine wont stop replicating. We're still running tests and trying to figure it out but so far no one has any answers. I still can't believe it.
Most people who get Genital Herpes will experience 1 to 3 major outbreaks over a 1 to 3 month period, with each outbreak being less in severity than the 1st orignal one; and, then it may "go away" for a year, a few years, maybe even 10 years. Those who have to remain on the drug indefinitely, such as myself, get a break from it WHILE they are on it because it literally stops replicating; BUT, again, mine's not stopping. What do I think is going on? I betcha in some evil, sinister way the friggin DNA from the HIV and the DNA from the Herpes are getting it on with each other and creating a whole new strain of Herpes. IF that's what is happening, in the next few years you will probaly see Herpes pamphlets at your local STD clinic stating there are 3 known strains of Herpes - Oral, Genital and Spicesational!
Whew, this took a lot outta me and thank God I don't smoke anymore, would've easily gone through at least 3/4's of a pack on this piece alone. Here's what I am gonna do - gonna rename this piece Part #1 and then do the human story angle in Part #2, which will also include a brief commentary on a fellow Hiv'er who not only is in the same boat as me, more or less, but who went public with it a few days ago. I didn't want to be "the first" on this one anyways, that kinda thing isnt my cup of tea, but if he or any of his friends read this will you please tell him I feel so much less alone because of him? I'd tell him myself but he's ignoring me - yep, another story, another posting. Or as one of my journalistic heroes, Linda Ellerbe would say "And so it goes." Thanks for reading everyone.
It was early in the morning of February 20th, 2010, sometime between 3:30 and 4:00 a.m., when I woke up groaning loudly in severe pain! Being more than halfway asleep at first I thought "Oh great, the flat is on fire and after surviving this nasty disease this long I'm gonna end up a human matchstick, just my friggin luck!" because I thought my body was on fire. Lo and behold, close but no cigar - thank God. I felt around and it was my crotch - my crotch was on fire! Or so it felt! At first I mused to myself "Did somebody let Dino DiMarco in the room and no one told me???"
I got up outta my bed and attempted to walk, but I could not do so without being in extremely excruciating pain. Oh you guys, it was so bad I literally hollered upward "Is this some kind of sick joke on your part???" I didnt know what to do and it wasn't getting any better. I even tried a special cream that us testicular cancer survivors have to apply anytime we get any kind of an infection down-you-know-where. Waited a half hour. That didn't work. So, rather than call an ambulance or take the T, I called up for a cab and off I went to the ER.
When I got there and was finally seen by the ER doctor he said to me "Did you notice these little white bumps on your scrotum?" and instantly, with my medical history I jumped to the wrong conclusion and thought "Oh fucken great, the cancer is back and now it's on the other testicle!!!" Funny how irrational a person can get in those mighty medical moments. I told him no and his words were, literally "I hate to tell you this with your medical history but Mr.________, you have Genital Herpes." I looked at him and I dont know if it was an anxiety release or not but I started laughing uncontrollably and my exact words were "Are you fucking kidding me? Are you trying to tell me that I ended up in the ER because I have a new STD??" He knew I was using humor to try to diffuse the emotional shock of the situation and laughed with me. But I just couldn't believe it. He prescribed some medication for me and before I left said to me "I'm so sorry Mr. ________" and I just laughed and said "You're sorry? Do you know how hard it is for someone like me to get a date? Think what this is gonna do to my social life Sweethaht!" We both laughed and then I cried all the way home in the cab.
Since that morning I have been on the medication I was prescribed non-stop. I'm still learning about this horrible Herpes thing and I don't have all the answers for myself yet, nor can I tell you much about it outside of my own personal experience. But here's the kicker with me - mine wont stop replicating. We're still running tests and trying to figure it out but so far no one has any answers. I still can't believe it.
Most people who get Genital Herpes will experience 1 to 3 major outbreaks over a 1 to 3 month period, with each outbreak being less in severity than the 1st orignal one; and, then it may "go away" for a year, a few years, maybe even 10 years. Those who have to remain on the drug indefinitely, such as myself, get a break from it WHILE they are on it because it literally stops replicating; BUT, again, mine's not stopping. What do I think is going on? I betcha in some evil, sinister way the friggin DNA from the HIV and the DNA from the Herpes are getting it on with each other and creating a whole new strain of Herpes. IF that's what is happening, in the next few years you will probaly see Herpes pamphlets at your local STD clinic stating there are 3 known strains of Herpes - Oral, Genital and Spicesational!
Whew, this took a lot outta me and thank God I don't smoke anymore, would've easily gone through at least 3/4's of a pack on this piece alone. Here's what I am gonna do - gonna rename this piece Part #1 and then do the human story angle in Part #2, which will also include a brief commentary on a fellow Hiv'er who not only is in the same boat as me, more or less, but who went public with it a few days ago. I didn't want to be "the first" on this one anyways, that kinda thing isnt my cup of tea, but if he or any of his friends read this will you please tell him I feel so much less alone because of him? I'd tell him myself but he's ignoring me - yep, another story, another posting. Or as one of my journalistic heroes, Linda Ellerbe would say "And so it goes." Thanks for reading everyone.
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