Actually, any time I've been affronted in an online support or social group, I've stood up for myself, yet in the past whenever I proceeded to stick up for myself, in each instance, I was the one who was chastised for "creating drama" and treated like the "bad guy" when in reality I wasnt even the instigator to begin with. Of course, we all know how that he-said-she-said crap goes in the internet groups - the biggest and grandest egos always win. Well, that's not the way it's gonna be this time. I did not create HivSpice as a doormat for others to wipe their boots on and I'd like to suggest that anyone intending to do so from here on out should probaly think twice.
Here's the skinny of what's been going on....I belong to an international support group for Hiv'ers, PWA's and those who care about us. For the last 2 months, a few of the members of the group havent been too nice to me via both their slants or "ignores" on comments on public posts, as well as via inbox messaging. In regards to the public stuff, hey, nobody can be expected to agree on everything all the time, nor can any of us expect to be liked by everyone; however, the stuff they've inboxed me, well, let's just say if you dislike another human being that much, why on earth would you even wanna be their friends in the first place?
Actually I do need to clarify the number of people whom I've had conflicts within that group because a situation with 1 of the 3 guys actually came to a head last week. What happened was that he simply became a member of the group too, friended me because of mutual friends we shared and then because I didnt have a photo of myself online (in hindsight, how could I? I have an anonymous identity - now, who's the moron?), apparently found it appropriate to castigate me and then deleted and blocked me from his friends list. That's exactly how quickly it all happened, I didnt even have the opportunity to defend myself. I was put on trial, judged and sentenced without having any say in it whatsoever. He may still be a member of the group for all I know, I havent checked recently, but either way, I'm just happy I dont have to contend with his bullshit anymore.
Granted, the two guys sure as hell werent too respectful towards me when on seperate occassions they both accused me of not being a real person because I "hide" behind the Spice nic and that they really dont feel "comfortable" around gay Hiv+ men so they really couldnt be friends with me to begin with. For those offensive accusations alone, I oughta reveal their names and locations right here-n-now; but, no, I'll keep my word to myself. However, I would like to take the liberty of making a response in regards to their accusations. The latter one about them not being "comfortable" around Hiv+ gay men I will address later on in this piece; but, the one about hiding behind this name....
Yes, I do use this name as a means to protect my real identity; but, I most certainly do not hide behind it. This name is used to promote both the education of Hiv/AIDS to the general public online as well as a means to focus badly needed attention on such issues as prevention, further medical research for a cure and for the equal rights of all Hiv'ers/PWA's nationwide, and judging from my fanbase sectors in other countries, internationally as well. I have never used this name for personal gain or for solicitations of any kind or for anything of a negative nature; and, I never will because the battle against Hiv/AIDS is not all about me, it's about every one of us. In addition, I'm not the 1st person to create an identity extension of myself online and I most certainly wont be the last. As long as any identity extension or alter-ego or whatever you choose to call it, is not used for deceptive means, I see nothing wrong in it whatsoever. People may think and say what they wanna, but there it all is for everyone to see, straight from the horse's mouth (I heard that comment in the back row! lol).
Speaking of which, now I am finally gonna have my say in response to the way those particular 2 guys in the group have mistreated me for the past coupla months. This may not be pretty, it may even end up an ugly commentary on how people treat those around them but trust me, those 2 have it coming to them in spades....
Sweetie, the only reason you're still single is because any woman that comes within a 500 mile radius of you doesnt wanna date you, let alone get to know you better not because of your disease but because of your personality. Ever since I've known you, you are CONSTANTLY fucking running around and whining about "Oh poor me, poor alone me, I have no one in my life and I am sooooo sad!!! Boo hoo hoo!!! Boo hoo hoo!!!!" For once in your life, why dont you stop your goddamn whining and stand up and be a man for a change! Don't you get it? Women dont wanna man who's weak and CONTINOUSLY feeling sorry for himself and bellyaching about how his world is sooooo cruel and terrible while everyone else's is so rosey and blue-skies.
You know what the funniest part about all of that is though? On more than one occassion you have had the nerve and audacity to imply that I'm notta real man because I'm gay but guess what Honey? You sure as hell dont see me crying on everyone's shoulder about how I'm so alone and how I need someone soooo bad! I have a great suggestion for you - why dont you and the other guy actually get together as a couple? Why not? You both may be straight Hiv'ers (oh you just wait till I nail both of you bitches on that one) but damn, you both cackle-n-whine like a coupla of looney chickens in heat, so why not cancel each others idosycrasies by stepping out into the moonlight as one? Trust me, with both of you, any such change in your lives would be a most welcomed relief for the rest of the world.
Guy #2....you motherfucker. When I think about even a quarter of the shit you've said to me in the last several months, I would just love to grab you by the neck and smack you so fucken hard in the face that you'd have to shove a toothbrush up your ass to brush your teeth! (thanks "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert" for that one). I will never forget how humiliated you made me feel by the way you treated me. Like with Guy #1, I too, knew you before we all became members of the international group.
Of all the things that you've said to me, there are two things that you said which will always resonate within me.
1st and foremost....you have repeatedly told me, on more than one occassion "I dont feel comfortable being your friend because you are gay." Oh really? Well then, before I ream you a new asshole, let me ask you this - how on earth could you go to your infectious diseases doctor knowing that he/she works so closely with gay male Hiv'ers? How could you not be humbled to the fact that regardless of who any of us are sexual orientation-wise, we all are in this battle together? There are no division lines when it comes to the battlefields againstHiv/AIDS, except those perpetrated by true hatemongerers such as yourself. Tell me something, how could you have managed to totally escape the rebirth of your human spirit, like the rest of us have, via your experiences as an Hiv+ individual? It totally perplexes me but one thing is for certain, you are certainly one major asshole.
When you said those words to me it was like I had gone back to BEFORE I came outta the closet at the age of 16. All the negative, nightmarish, experiences I had before I realized I was gay all came flooding back into my mind. I felt that kinda hurt and humiliation all over again. And then I stopped thinking of myself and began to think of others and realized "Oh my gawd, what if this sick miserable prick is saying the same exact bullshit to the younger gays, to the younger Hiv'ers? There just no way he could be doing that to other people,is there??" I think we all know the answer to that question, dont we?
I wanna get something straight with you motherfucker. You take your goddamn hatred, your goddamn bigotry and your goddamn contempt for anyone who is GLBTQ and blow it straight out your ass because I and millions of other people have no place in our lives for the brand of hatred you're spreading in this world.
But that's not the only frosting on top of the cake. For the last several months I've put up with you praising your God - yeah, your God, remember,? The one that says only certain chosen people get into Heaven? - and saying how wonderful and glorious He is and how anything can be conqueored and obtaining by believing in him; yet, tell me, where the hell was your God when you fell off the wagon last month? Where was your God when you were hitch-hiking across the country (omg, at your fucken age, how stupid and idiotic can you be motherfucker?). C'mon Mr. Smartypants, where was your God then??? For a person who claims to be the world's greatest Christian alive, you sure are one of the most hateful, most negative and most spiteful people I have ever known on this planet, let alone a majorly-major hypocrite on top of it all. Just remember Sweethaht, God don't like ugly and that's what everything you spew outta that piehole of yours is all about, nothing but ugly.
Furthermore, try to imagine how much more angrier I must feel towards you personally when I see or hear of one of my fellow gay men and/or his partner passing away in each other's arms, and then a confused, messed-up piece of shit like you is allowed to breath, live, walk and spew forth such hatred on this planet? I may not be God but I'll tell you one thing right now - you're lower than an animal because animals wouldnt do to their own kind what you've done to your fellow man as well as your fellow Hiv'er. It just blows my mind that good, decent people are keeling over left-n-right yet a piece of living shit like you is still alive. I mean, where the fuck is the justice in something like that? I do not believe that Hiv'er should ever be pitted against Hiv'er but you my Dear, are certainly the exception to that rule.
There's something else that apparently some of you heterosexual Hiv+ males out there need to be made aware of - regardless of what you think of us homosexual Hiv+ males, we were the ones responsible for securing better medical research, better patient care and better, more effective drugs from the early years onward within this epidemic and thanks to us, the majority of you heterosexual Hiv+ males havent had to go through even a 1/4 of the fucken misery and tragic loss that us gay Hiv'ers experienced since the early 1980's onwards. As the decades have gone by,the division lines based on sexual orientation have become a thing of the past. In fact, I thought they were gone for good, until, of course, it was brought to my attention by a couple of major assholes over the past couple of months that being an Hiv+ gay male is a bad, dirty thing to be ashamed of. And people in support groups entrust you two to raise pubic morale? Maybe in a support group for wayward Nazi youth, but that's about the extent of it.
As I finally bring this baby in for a landing, I just wanted to let both of you guys know that I'm not leaving this group just because you dont like Hiv+ gay men; but, I will say this much. If I ever catch either of you goading and harassing the other gay male Hiv'ers in that group about who and what they are as people, in the ways that you both have done to me, I'm gonna do more than run to the nearest administrator and cry wolf, I'm gonna do everything in my power to putta stop to both of you from ever bullying anyone ever again in that group. The sick, sadistic behavior that both of you have exhibited in the interntional group shoulda never been tolerated in the first place and why it has been allowed to go unchecked will always puzzle me.
I've said all I can say about this issue but just remember, it doesnt matter how unlikely or unimaginable it can seem at times, bullies do indeed show up in the most strangest of places and settings and no one should ever be complacent regarding such matters because being so not only condones such behavior, it actually enables it as well. Just remember, we cannot have victory and peace in the world outside of the Hiv/AIDS community unless we have those things amongst ourselves first. Thank you for reading.
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