My Libido - Wednesday, October 12th, 2011

This is probaly one of those very rare posts where I should stamp "Parent Advisory: Explicit Language Within" on the outside of it because I gotta admit, writing about this subject - let alone even talking about it - with as sick as I've been since this past Friday evening is very odd at best, but I look at it this way. If you've ever wanted others to know some of your innermost thoughts and feelings, to know what really made you tick on all kinds of things, sharing with them this most private of one's individual psyche would definitely be an eye-opener regarding the inner you, perhaps even causing your own brow to rise here-n-there.

But for myself, I think the real reason I'm writing about it this evening is not simply because I feel like it but also because I have this unquenchable desire for people, hell, the entire world, to know that just because a person is part of any certain group does not mean that they automatically fit any given stereotype regarding that group. Libido = sex drive. Yes, it's a known fact that like any group of individuals out there, we gay men (homosexuals, queers, pansies, butthole-surfers, mud-rocket-scientists, whatever you wanna call us) love to have sex just as much as the next person. However, to instantly categorize all of us as "promiscous" due to our deep connection to the AIDS epidemic is a sweeping generalization that I find extremely offensive as well as, most definitely, incorrect.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not ashamed of being Hiv+, not by any means; but, I - and I assume many other folks out there if you were to go up and ask them - did not become infected with this disease because of weekend after weekend of endless, unprotected sexual encounters. Yes, some people did but I became infected because my partner was infected and naturally before that happened, both he and I were not too much into safe-sex. Obviously so, ya think?

But the myth I wanna debunk right here-n-now is that every gay male, every person, who is infected with the Hiv virus got it from being a major slut 24/7, seven days a week. Is it sucha big deal? Yes, to an extent it is because society itself, both inside and outside of the GLTBQ communities, has used so many blanketing, generalized statements regarding this disease over the years that it's enough to make any rational, sane-minded person roll their eyes upward in pure disgust.

Yet by the same token, no, it's notta big deal as to how any of us got it - it's how we lives our lives and utilize what time we have left with them that makes all the difference in the world. In fact, that right there can make or break a person a helluva lot more easier than this disease itself. But, back to my libido....

Let me just start out by saying this...when I joke around about being a "good gurl" and likening myself to such perennial "Good Girls" as Annette Funicello, Hayley Mills, Sally Field and Sandra Dee, to name a few, I may be utilizing humor on the latter point but most certainly not on the former point for this one simple reason - my sexual habits do NOT fit the psychological makeup of your average gay man. I'm not like most of them who will be getting off of work on a Friday night and mumble to themselves "Hey, it's Friday night, time to party, I need to go get laid." Uh-uh. Because as I've mentioned in this blog a year or so ago, I dont get into one-night stands - very VERY rarely and the reason for that is stil the same after all these years.

I'm one of those rare people (by the way, I dont think it's as rare as I've thought all these years, its just that some of us are far more honest about it than others) who, whenever I have hadda one-night stand, feels very cheap, very dirty, very used and very emotionally ambivalent the next morning. I'm not kidding. You know that girl in the Shirelle's song "Will You Love Me Tomorrow?" Baby, that IS me to the nines when it comes to casual sex. Now, alotta people out there have laughed (and probaly will continue to do so) in my face over that admission but I dont think it's anything to be ashamed of because it's simply who I am. I didnt choose to act or feel this way, it's simply the way I am. Does it make me nelly or a fellagirlie? Not by any means, but then again I suppose it depends on who you're asking.

And in regards to all of this, let me use an example to put this all into the proper perspective for everyone out there.

Do you really wanna know why it has taken me sooooooo damn long to deal with and accept the fact that I was infected with Genital Herpes by someone who did not disclose their status to me, yet someone whom I did disclose my Hiv+ status to? The answer is a double-headder (no pun intended) so get ready for this - BECAUSE not only was the guy the 1st man that I had had sex with in over 3 and a half years  - yes, that's right, 3 and 1/2 years - BUT ALSO because guess where the origin point of the Gential Herpes infection was? Get this...the origin point is on my scrotum area, directly over my left testicle. Yes, in other words, the only groinal area of my body not decimated by the Testicular Cancer, the only "ball" I have left, that's where the infection origin point is and that's where it reignites (literally, pain-wise) any time I run short by just one dosage of Acyclovir. It's more than sad, it's a shame, a downright dirty shame.

Now I ask you, what are the friggin chances of the above scenario happening to someone? I'm serious. What are the chances of surviving Testicular Cancer only to have the first lug I decide to get naked with infect me in one of the only remaining unscathed areas of my sexual genitalia? I'm notta statistician but I hope all the math whizzes out there wont mind me borrowing the "One-in-a-Million" phrase, because I think that one is absolutely appropriate. So there you have it Ladies & Gents. THAT is why the Genital Herpes infection has been sucha major issue for me, not because I couldnt mentally grasp what was happening to me but because the odds of it happening the way it did were simply astounding. 

As for what my sex drive is nowadays and whether or not what I went through with both the Testicular Cancer and the Genital Herpes affected it, quite honestly, not a lot has changed so I consider myself one of the very lucky ones. I wont lie, I'm a horny person and whether I am by myself or with someone else, I like sex about twice a day. For some folks that's not much yet for others it's like a marathon since some folks are happy if they get it once a week. So I guess in my opinion, I do have a bit of a sex drive, but do I need to go out at night hunting for it the way a vampire hunts for his next prey? No, I'm just not made that way. Dont get me wrong, I'm not critizing my fellow gay brothers (or anyone else for that matter) for being that way, I just want them to try to understand that NOT all of us are made that way. Yeah, it really is that simple.

So in my particular set of circumstances, when I say I dont put-out on the 1st date, it's not just because of how I'm psychologically designed, it's also because with all of my diseases, the other person involved usually doesnt wanna get too frisky right-off-the-bat (no pun intended) either. And that's okay. I'd rather ease into everything gradually (again, no pun intended) and make sure that we're both comfortable with everything that's happening first. After all, at my age and with all I've been through, what's the point of rushing it anyways? I love sex just as much as anyone but I think it's important to really understand ourselves intimately in that way before we start sharing that part of ourselves with others. You may call it pollyanna, goodie-two-shoes, or whatever you prefer but I think the best way to look at it at this current point in my life is this - I'm the one who has to wake up and face myself the next day, you don't. At least for now that is. Thank you for reading.

 

Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo