Both figuratively and literally, having one ball is better than having none at all. Anyone who has gone through Testicular Cancer and hadda orchiectomy surgery (removal of one or both testes) knows this for a fact to be true. Granted, those TC folks who have had both testicles removed are not the lost, wayward eunuchs that most people would like to believe they are. Via prosthetics, testosterone patches, and other such paraphanalia, the majority of men who find themselves in such circumstances can for the most part lead perfectly normal sex lives with the same degree of sexual stimulation they had before undergoing such surgeries and I think that's great because Lord knows that means a lot to me to know "just in case."
Well, luckily I wont have to find that out for sure anytime soon and yes, it does make a helluva difference to me because although I know I would adjust and adapt in the above scenario, I'm happy to know that my one remaining testicle is still gonna be staying with me for awhile because like any and every other part of my body, it's part of me, part of whom I am, part of my identity. Some straight friends recently joked with me "Well, hey, if it's the cancer again, just think you could go a bit further for gender reassignment!" In each case I merely looked at the individual straight in the eyes and said in a calm, yet demure tone, "Fuck you." We all laughed, but I most emphatically meant those two little words because quite frankly, I'm happy and proud to be exactly who I am, a gay man; and, testicles or not, that will never change, just as I'm certain that those out there who are now transgendered are happy with who and what they are too.
For the last 2 weeks I have been extremely physically ill with what I thought MIGHT be the beginning pre-Testicular-Cancer symptons I experienced back in the late 1990's prior to being diagnosed with Testicular Cancer, then going through an orchiectormy, followed by chemo in the springtime months of 1999. After all, that's how it all happened the last time - flu & cold-like symptons, with a persistent fever, before the actual diagnosis was made. Luckily, and most thankfully, I was wrong. Never before in my entire existence was I so damn happy to be wrong, lemme tell you.
Thursday morning (October 13th), I woke up, sick as usual, but right before I got outta bed, I hadda morning itch down you-know-where. No, not THAT kinda itch, but an actual itch! So I'm gently scratching the area (trust me, when you got only one jewel left, you treat it like gold, Baby) when all of a sudden I felt something, something not quite right in Denmark. Instantly I thought to myself "Nah, can't be, there cant be anything there cause everyone told me the chances of having it a 2nd time would be close to zilch." So I decided I better give myself one of those Testicular Cancer self-exams I learned how to do over a decade ago. I did and sure as shit, I DID find something. The first words outta my mouth were "Oh no, this can't be, this just cannot be happening! This has gotta be some kinda sick joke..." But, it was not.
I immediately flounced out of bed, got on the phone and called both my urologist and oncologist and decided that whichever one I got to speak to first, that's the one I'd go to. I got through to the urologist first and they scheduled my appointment for this past Tuesday. When I finally heard back from the oncologist (an hour or so later) they told me I did the right thing cause IF the urologist found anything substantial, they'd definitely wanna see me afterwards.
Tuesday came, my urologist appointment was on-time and as I was standing there in the exam room, while he was examining my testicle, I let out 3 consecutive giant yelps in a row(!) to which each time he said to me "That hurts, doesnt it?" to which I automatically responded, with half-sarcasm, half-humor "Noooo, ya think so??" He was obviously amused and laughed, while I on the other hand looked into his eyes and said "Okay, so what's the deal?" to which he responded, "Well, I just found something very hard and considerable sized near or on your testicle." When he said that a few tears flew outta my eyes, my heart sank and I said "Oh no, please dont tell me..." and he said to remain calm and explained to me that IF it was something OUTSIDE of the testicle or even slightly near it, it was most likely some kind of a cyst; IF it was ON or INSIDE the testicle, then more evasive action would need to taken.
Evasive action. Those words didnt sound any less ominous than they did over a decade ago when the board of oncology directors at two different downtown Boston cancer clinics got together and asked each other "What do we do with this guy? By physical appearance this young man DEFINITELY appears to have Testicular Cancer; yet, there are no tumor markers showing up in his bloodstream. Do we operate? Do we do chemo? Which one do we do first? What do we do if we are totally wrong about all of this??" After they presented all their information to me, I took the chance that it indeed was Testicular Cancer and to this day, I've never regretted sticking with that decision.
So, before I left his office that afternoon, he told me "Look, we gotta do an ultrasound on this thing as soon as possible so we know exactly what it is what we're dealing with." Naturally, I couldnt have agreed with him more. So that's what we did and rather than go to work at all the next day, I went directly to the hospital before my ultrasound and then sat there and chilled for a good hour or so afterwards "just in case." It's funny, I even called a few of my online friends just to have someone to chat with (for some reason, every waiting room I visited that afternoon was dead, no pun intended) but now that I look back on it, had any of them answered their phones, I probaly wouldnt have known what to say anyways. I probaly woulda sounded very blue, so I guess it's best that I never really got the opportunity to speak with any of them.
The ultrasound itself went extremely well though I was pretty damn nervous throughout it the entire time. As the technician put that icky gel all around my groinal area and performed to scan me with the roller-wand all over that area, all I could think of was how it was the 1st time I had that procedure performed more than 12 years ago. The room was darkened and all one could hear was the small beeps on the computer as well as the sound of my heart beating and my semi-paced breathing. Had I not seen a small digital calendar in the exam room opposite from mine, via my exam room window, there would not have been one differentiating factor setting the exam that took place in 1999 with the one I was going through at that moment.
Of course, all of the above thoughts and reminisciences were continousy overshadowed by the big question of the hour "Oh God, what IF it is IT again? What do I do then?? Oh please, dont let it be the cancer again God, I just dont wanna go through it again, I dont know if I can go through it again..." So many thoughts raced through my mind...I've never even gotten the chance to look into the eyes of my next special someone to see if he really really does care...I've got so many things to do, so many places to go and so many people to meet....I just gotta be around when Crush unvails its next new soda flavor! Okay, okay, maybe not so much the latter point but you get the picture...
But I didnt think all those whirlwind thoughts for too long...I about jumped up off the exam table when the technician told me calmly and firmly - "Omg, you wanna take a look at this...? THAT is what's been causing you all your pain.." and I saw what looked like a blackish, pointed mass shaped similiar to what would be considered a thin, narrowish Andy-Warholesque black chocolate-chip of some sort eminating from somewhere near my remaining testicle. We found it. It was real, it wasnt a fig-newton of my imagination. I stared at it for a moment and the tech said to me "Penny for your thoughts?" to which I responded by looking at the computer screen and saying "You sonnuvabitch, the pain you've caused me!!" to which she chuckled and guffawd....
When the exam was done, I was told I was free to go home but I told them I was gonna stay there for an hour or so "just in case" I gotta call from my urologist's office and when I finally did hear from his office, they told me as soon as he reads them, he'll let me know, definitely no later than Friday morning. Well, they were wrong, I didnt find out till last night, early evening but that really didnt bother me in the least because I spent the rest of the afternoon just sleeping on my loveseat because even as I am writing this piece this very moment, I'm still battling whatever virus it is that I have. Around 5:15 p.m., I FINALLY got the call from my urologist and I was never so damn happy to getta call from a doctor before in my entire life
1st, I do NOT have Testicular Cancer a 2nd time - yes!!! What I do have is what is called an epididymal cyst, a common occurrence among Testicular Cancer survivors, something that you just more or less live with. Eventually the pain of it goes away but if not, painkillers and/or antibiotics may be prescribed for it. If it grows larger, or even swells a bit, then more tests will have to be run, perhaps even some type of surgery; but, that doesnt automatically mean it's the cancer again. Also, the reason why it didnt feel like an epididymal infection (which I've had a few of already over the years) is because of where it's located, which is why I didnt have any of the usual symptons to begin with.
2nd, all these cold-n-flu-like symptons I've been having? Just the current flu-cold virus strain that is currently sweeping itself up-n-down the entire Eastern seaboard at the moment. Some folks have been known to have it up to 3 weeks or longer but from his examining me in general, it looks like mine is on the tail end of it. In other words, just suck it up and make the best of it. I just knew that I shoulda gotten my flu shot earlier than usual this year...
So, that's why I have been so sick the past coupla weeks. Both my pcp and my urologist said that if I dont feel better by Monday, to just let them know; otherwise, I'm just gonna have to wade this all out like everyone else does. But again, the thing that I'm most thankful for is that I continue to remain cancer-free and I hope I always will be from here on out. I mean it's one thing to never be able to get rid of the Hiv+ status and the diabetes, but a 3rd chronic, possibly life-threatening disease? Sorry, two is enough for me, thanks.
As coupla more things before I close this piece. First, I cannot stress enough to all the guys out there, whether you have a history of Testicular Cancer in your family or not, please, try to give yourself a Testicular Cancer self-exam at least once every few months, if not more, and IF you ever find anything abnormal or not quite right about the feel of either of your testicles, please do not hesitate to contact a urologist to have it checked out. Doing so may very well save your life someday.
Second, a very special thanks to each and every one of my friends, readers and online family members who went above and beyond the call of true friendship in sending me numeorus get-well wishes, good thoughts and sincere prayers for full recovery from everything I've been going through these past coupla weeks. Several of you told me "You may be facing this all by yourself in real life but you'll never ever be alone in spirit, Spice" and those people were right. I never felt alone, not even once. I'll never forget any of you, I mean it. As always, thank you for reading.
Posted via email from Luctor Et Emergo
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